Tag: baby

Becoming an Informed Pro-Lifer
I am pro-life.

For all of the elections I have been old enough to vote in, I have used this conviction as a major and main factor in choosing my president. Thus, I have always voted Republican, and have felt a duty to do so as a defender of the unborn.

Earlier this year, though, Jad and I decided for multiple reasons to become unaffiliated. We mostly did it so we wouldn’t feel boxed into a party and so we could be more well-rounded and free-thinking. It has felt amazing because without guilt we can consider all parties equally and choose candidates who at this time fit our needs and desires, and the needs of our country, the most.

Because I am unaffiliated, but mostly because I have been unsure of who to vote for this election, I have taken the time to really learn about each of the four main candidates. I even prayed about the election before watching my church’s General Conference the first weekend in October. I heard so many profound and recurring themes to help me ponder on exactly what our country needs right now to thrive.

After really studying Conference in this way, I realized for the first time that to be pro-life, I must truly think about ALL life, including those in our country who are suffering for any reason, be it racism, inequality, poverty, etc. That means that in my research for the best presidential candidate, I can’t just look at each candidate’s abortion stances, but also at their stances for all living people who need a voice for positive change.

On October 6, I wrote this post on Facebook:

I want to make something incredibly clear, and this is coming from a person who is unequivocally Pro-life: It is unfair, unkind, and incredibly judgmental to say that people who are Pro-choice and/or Democrats are hateful, evil, baby-killers who are going to rot in Hell. It makes me cringe when I hear people be so hateful to the living while professing to be Pro-life. A Pro-life person should love all human life! It doesn’t make sense to defend the unborn and then make vicious accusations to the living – people who are all around you trying to do the best they can. If you are really Pro-life you will consider the BEST ways to prevent abortions. And you will make sure ALL babies, once born and throughout their whole lives, are treated with love, respect, equality, and dignity. It’s not just about the right to be born – it’s about the right to live your best life. God commanded us to love one another. He never said to only love those who agree with everything we do. I truly believe that most of us want what is best for humanity, but we just have different ways of fighting for it. But let us stand tall and set good examples rather than fan flames of anger and hatred. That will never help any good cause, no matter how passionate we are about it. Please, please, if you profess to be Pro-life, be Pro-life for all – the unborn and born, the young and the old, the male and the female, the gay and the straight, the black and the white, the poor and the rich, the healthy and the sick, the educated and the uneducated, the natural-born citizen and the immigrant, the Christian and the Atheist, and everybody in between. We are all worthy of God’s love because we are all His children. Let us spread His love.

Does this new conviction mean that my goal is now to forget the unborn and only think of the living? Not at all, but I have realized that in order to choose my presidential candidate wisely, I have to better balance my conviction to protect the unborn with my conviction to make life better for every living human being, even if that balance means possibly choosing a pro-choice candidate.

This isn’t easy to do since, though I’m ashamed to admit it, I have often felt uncomfortable with Christians, especially members of my church, voting Democrat.

This is a clear point of concern and confusion for many people in my church, as was made evident as I read the comments on the letter our First Presidency wrote regarding its political neutrality and how there is good in each party. Sadly, for as many positive comments I saw, just as many were unkind and divisive. I saw too many people angrily accuse people voting Democrat as being un-Christlike and wicked, and that bothered me a lot. These reactions were the opposite of our leaders’ counsel to be kind in political discourse.

For all of these reasons, I have decided to take the time to research abortion – why women get abortions; what is Roe V. Wade really about and what has been done in the past to overturn it; what is the truth about pro-choice candidate’s views on partial-birth and late-term abortions; what do Joe Biden’s plans for Women’s Reproductive Health mean for abortion; and has the abortion rate gone down in recent years and why?

This research has greatly informed me and given me comfort and hope.

Firstly, why do women have abortions?

I read many articles about this, citing studies from multiple years, but the patterns remain overall the same:
1. The vast majority of women who get abortions are living in poverty and cannot afford a child (About 70-75%)
2. The vast majority of women having abortions are single mothers (about 65-70%).
3. Almost half of women who have abortions have already had an abortion previously.
4. The most common reason provided for having an abortion is that pregnancy would interfere with education, work or ability to care for dependents. Normally 2-3 reasons are chosen, though.
5. Most women who have had an abortion are already mothers.
6. Most women who have abortions are in their 20s.
7. About half of women who get an abortion had an unintended pregnancy, most often from not taking contraception or not taking it consistently.
8. Less than 1% of abortions occur because of rape, health of the mother, or incest.
https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/abortion.htm

https://www.thoughtco.com/abortion-facts-and-statistics-3534189

http://www.pcuc.org/statistics-on-abortion/

https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2019/mar/07/abortion-late-term-what-pregnancy-stage

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/who-are-the-1-in-4-american-women-who-choose-abortion/

https://www.abort73.com/abortion_facts/us_abortion_statistics/

https://www.hli.org/resources/why-women-abort/

I read this analysis from one study that I thought was very well-rounded and addressed these issues well:

“Identifying one single approach that will address every woman’s concerns and change her mind is difficult, given the multiplicity of the reasons and rationales given by women for seeking abortion. Some will be benefited by being connected to better support systems, while others need practical economic assistance. Anything making men more responsible for the children they father will go a long way towards helping many of these women care for their children. Yet abortion’s legality and the implied social sanction that comes with it is clearly a major part of the cultural machinery that forces these cruel choices on women, that lets men off the hook, that leaves women to care for households of children all alone, and that makes society less accommodating to the demands of motherhood. Collectively such factors may conspire to force many of these women to consider an option that goes totally against their nurturing natures and pit the needs of one or more of their children against another. If we believe the survey, most of the women seeking to abort here did so, not because they were triumphantly exercising their “power to choose,” but because they felt like–given the circumstances–they had no other realistic choice.”

Secondly, what is Roe vs Wade about, and can it be overturned?

History.com explains, “On Jan 22, 1973, the Supreme Court, in a 7-2 decision, struck down the Texas law banning abortion, effectively legalizing the procedure nationwide. In a majority opinion written by Justice Harry Blackmun, the court declared that a woman’s right to an abortion was implicit in the right to privacy protected by the 14th Amendment. The court divided pregnancy into three trimesters, and declared that the choice to end a pregnancy in the first trimester was solely up to the woman. In the second trimester, the government could regulate abortion, although not ban it, in order to protect the mother’s health. In the third trimester, the state could prohibit abortion to protect a fetus that could survive on its own outside the womb, except when a woman’s health was in danger.”

The decision for Roe V. Wade centered around the 14th Amendment’s right to privacy:

The 14th Amendment‘s Due Process clause states: No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Overturning Roe v. Wade has been a hope of people like me (pro-lifers) for a long time, and many hope that President Trump will be the one to do it. I did quite a bit of research, and here is what I found out:
1. For 49 of the last 50 years, there has been a Republican majority on the Supreme Court. Even when Roe V. Wade was passed, there was a Republican majority on the Supreme Court. Five out of the six Republican justices were for it.
2. One perfect time presented to overturn Roe V Wade was in 1992 with the Planned Parenthood V. Casey case, but it did not happen. In fact, this case ended up outlawing restrictions putting an undue burden on women seeking abortions. Justices Sandra Day O’Connor, David Souter, and Anthony Kennedy, all nominated by Republican presidents, supported this action.
3. Another perfect time to overturn Roe V Wade was in 2005 with The Sanctity of Life Act. The Republicans were in the majority in both houses of Congress and many of these Republicans were endorsed by pro-life groups, as was the president. Yet this bill never passed.
4. In 2018, when Justice Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed to the Supreme Court, many wondered if he would help overturn Roe V. Wade. But, instead, during his confirmation hearings, Justice Kavanaugh reportedly told Senator Susan Collins that the Supreme Court’s decisions “become part of our legal framework with the passage of time.” He also said honoring prior Supreme Court decisions is essential to maintaining public confidence in the Court.
5. Even with all this past evidence of it not being overturned, if Roe V Wade is somehow overturned, abortion will not be illegal. The purpose of RVW was to prohibit states from banning abortion completely. Without it, some states could potentially ban abortion completely, but it would not end abortion in our country. Read what some states have done already here.
https://www.americamagazine.org/politics-society/2020/09/18/republicans-supreme-court-abortion-overturn-roe-v-wade-pro-life-catholic-trump

https://supreme.findlaw.com/supreme-court-insights/could-roe-v–wade-be-overturned-.html

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/addybaird/scotus-overturn-roe-explainer

https://thenewamerican.com/congress-has-the-power-to-overturn-roe-v-wade/

Thirdly, do Democrats and other pro-choice parties encourage and champion partial-birth and late-term abortion?

Firstly, it’s important to know how often these types of abortions happen. Based on the studies I read, over 90% of abortions occur during the first trimester. About 1% of abortions happen after 21 weeks.

Also, only 1% of pregnancies end in abortion. It’s still too many, but it’s comforting to know it isn’t as common a practice as some people think.

Joe Biden recently said, in response to the possible appointment of Amy Coney Barrett as the new Supreme Court justice: “The only responsible response to that would be to pass legislation making Roe the law of the land. That’s what I would do.”

President Trump’s response to this statement was, “Biden and Democrats just clarified the fact that they are fully in favor of (very) LATE TERM ABORTION, right up until the time of birth, and beyond – which would be execution.”

Biden also said, “It’s a woman’s right to do that. Period.”

Biden has made many points about Roe V. Wade and abortion over the years that may be helpful to review.

Jo Jorgensen, Libertarian candidate says this about abortion: “I am personally opposed to abortion, but I am unwilling to vote to use the power of the state to impose my views on other women.” She has also said, “Keep the government out of it, no subsidies, no regulations.”

And this is what Howie Hawkins’ view is: “I support the legal framework established in the Roe v. Wade decision. During the first trimester, it is up to the pregnant woman to decide whether to get an abortion. During the second trimester laws can only regulate abortion to protect the health of the mother. During the third trimester, or after fetal viability pursuant to Planned Parenthood v. Casey (1992), laws can restrict or prohibit abortions except in cases where it was necessary to protect the mother’s health. This framework should be codified into federal law by an act of Congress. I oppose targeted regulation of abortion clinics and providers through laws or policies that go beyond what is necessary to ensure patients’ safety. I support laws that allow physicians as well as non-physician health professionals, including physicians’ assistants, nurse practitioners, and certified nurse midwives, to perform abortion procedures.”

Hawkins also believes that providing birth control, sex education, and more social services will help reduce the number of abortions.

The rhetoric surrounding supporting partial birth abortions and late-term abortions seems to be more a reaction and interpretation rather than a reality for pro-choicers, especially since there is already a federal law in place to outlaw partial-birth abortions, called the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003.

Regarding late-term abortion, it is a term for abortions happening at 21 weeks gestation or more. As mentioned above, thankfully only 1% of abortions happen during this time span.

Dr. Barbara Levy explained, “Abortions later in pregnancy typically occur because of two general indications: lethal fetal anomalies or threats to the health of the mother.”

You can fact-check here.

Fourthly, what do Joe Biden’s platforms for Women’s Reproductive Health mean for abortion?

Here is what his website states:

The Affordable Care Act made historic progress ensuring access to free preventive care, including contraception. The Biden Plan will build on that progress. Vice President Biden supports repealing the Hyde Amendment because health care is a right that should not be dependent on one’s zip code or income. And, the public option will cover contraception and a woman’s constitutional right under Roe v. Wade. Biden will also:
- Stop state laws violating Roe v. Wade. Biden will work to codify Roe v. Wade, and his Justice Department will do everything in its power to stop the rash of state laws that so blatantly violate Roe v. Wade.
- Restore federal funding for Planned Parenthood. The Obama-Biden Administration fought Republican attacks on funding for Planned Parenthood again and again. As President, Biden will reissue guidance specifying that states cannot refuse Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood and other providers and reverse the Trump Administration’s rule preventing these organizations from obtaining Title X funds.
- Just as the Obama-Biden Administration did, rescind the Mexico City Policy (also referred to as the global gag rule) that President Trump reinstated and expanded. This rule currently bars the U.S. federal government from supporting important global health efforts — including for malaria and HIV/AIDS — in developing countries simply because the organizations providing that aid also offer information on abortion services.
- Restore the Affordable Care Act’s contraception mandate in place before the U.S. Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision. The recent U.S. Supreme Court decision makes it easier for the Trump-Pence Administration to continue to strip health care from women — attempting to carve out broad exemptions to the Affordable Care Act’s commitment to giving all women free access to recommended contraception. Biden will restore the Obama-Biden policy that existed before the Hobby Lobby ruling: providing an exemption for houses of worship and an accommodation for nonprofit organizations with religious missions. The accommodation will allow women at these organizations to access contraceptive coverage, not through their employer-provided plan, but instead through their insurance company or a third-party administrator.
Let’s talk about each of these:
1. Repealing of the Hyde Amendment: The Hyde Amendment does not allow Medicaid federal funding to pay for abortions except in instances of rape, incest or to save the life of the mother. Biden supported the amendment for a long time, but has just recently changed his viewpoint because “I can’t justify leaving millions of women without access to the care they need and the ability … to exercise their constitutional protected right.” Biden had always been for this amendment until he started running for president and felt pressure from other Democratic runners. It remains to be seen if he will change his mind again. I personally am in favor of the Hyde amendment, as a pro-lifer, but also understand why someone who was concerned with women’s rights would disagree with my sentiment.
2. Codifying Roe V Wade: The goal is to create congressional legislation protecting a woman’s right to choose an abortion in each state, even if RVW is overturned. We already learned that overturning RVW would not make abortion illegal, and states would have their say on abortion laws. Based on this proposal, no state could flat-out ban abortion, but it does not specify the regulations that each state could make.
3. Reinstating federal funding for Planned Parenthood: Perfactcheck.org, Planned Parenthood “provides reproductive health care to women nationwide. It offers a variety of services, including abortions, birth control, emergency contraception, general health testing and screenings for sexually transmitted diseases.” I remember when Trump stopped funding Planned Parenthood, I was so happy. I remember as well many of my friends being horrified by it because they chose to focus on the life-saving good that Planned Parenthood does for women and men, especially those in poverty. I had seen charts back then regarding the very small percentage of PP’s work that goes towards abortions, but didn’t want to think about that. It remains true, however, that PP’s abortion services account only a small percentage of their health services, though the exact percentage has been up for debate (they say 3%, but by some it has been interpreted differently based on the costs surrounding each service). You can read this document and this document that help explain more of what they do. There are good, Christian people on both sides of this argument.
4. Rescinding the Mexico City Policy : The Mexico City Policy was introduced in 1985 and has been rescinded and reinstated multiple times (rescinded by Democrats and reinstated by Republicans). We must decide if supporting global health efforts for developing countries is worth it, even if such health efforts also sometimes include abortion.
5. Reinstating the ACA Contraception Mandate: Burwell vs. Hobby Lobby Stores in 2014 ruled that a for-profit company can refuse to provide free contraceptives to their employees based on their religious beliefs. Biden wants to go back to the original ACA policy that only churches and non-profit religious organizations can say no to providing free contraceptives based on their beliefs. We must decide what is most important to us: reducing abortions through access to free contraceptives, or religious liberty for for-profit organizations. It’s not an easy thing to weigh, but it must be weighed. *Note: a friend of mine reminded me that millions of women use birth control for non-contraceptive reasons, but rather for health-related reasons. With this ruling, women working for for-profit organizations who are against birth control, are unable to get the care they need at the cost the need – something else to consider.
Finally, has the abortion rate gone down in recent years, and why?

The best news that I found in my research is that yes, abortion rates have been in steady decline, which is wonderful! The CDC reported in 2018 that the national abortion rate declined 26% between 2006 and 2015, reaching a historic low.

As we talked about earlier, most abortions have been due to unwanted pregnancies. In the same study, the CDC reported that the number of unintended pregnancies decreased from 51% in 2008 to 45% between 2011 and 2013, noting that more women using contraception and more effective forms of contraception like intrauterine devices, might be factors.

Alina Salganicoff, director of women’s health policy for the nonpartisan Kaiser Family Foundation said, “If your priority is to reduce abortions, one of the best things you can do is make sure that women have access to high-quality, affordable and effective methods of birth control.”

The CDC also reported that the availability of abortion providers and regulations such as mandatory waiting periods and parental consent could also be contributing to fewer women having abortions.

Per the CDC, between 2006 and 2015, the abortion rate for girls between 15 and 19 plummeted 54%. Some reasons for that are more teens being abstinent, as well as teens who are sexually active more likely to use birth control. Some experts have also said that better sex education has reduced teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancy rates are also down, reaching a record low in 2017.

Colorado has been very successful at reducing teen pregnancy. You can read about what they have done here.

The Guttmacher Institute also reported on the decline in abortion rates last year, focusing on 2011-2017. Their research correlates well with that of the CDC, and they also reported: “While 32 states enacted 394 restrictions between 2011 and 2017, nearly every state had a lower abortion rate in 2017 than in 2011, regardless of whether it had restricted abortion access. Several states with new restrictions actually had abortion rate increases.”

To be fair, the Guttmacher Institute is a pro-choice institute, so I looked for a study/analysis of the abortion decrease from an educated. Christian pro-lifer named Joe Carter from 2018. He had some skepticism about both the CDC’s and Guttmacher Institute’s studies, but at the conclusion of his analysis on why abortion rates have decreased, he said,

“There seems to be no clear answer. If we had to hazard a guess, though, we could say that it’s likely a combination of fewer teens having sex, increased contraceptive use, lower rates of unintended pregnancies, increased opposition to abortion by the young, and a greater willingness to have a child after an unintended pregnancy.”

So, even with his initial skepticism, his findings match that of the CDC and Guttmacher Institute very well.

There are people in both major political parties that claim that their party has been better at helping the abortion rate decline based on their chosen approaches. What I hear a lot right now is that Republicans want to make abortion illegal and Democrats want to make it unnecessary.

Here is what Snopes has verified regarding the claim that abortion rates go down more under Democrat presidents:

What’s True

“The abortion rate has steadily declined since the 1980s throughout both Democratic and Republican administrations, with a greater rate of decline during the former.”

What’s False

“The reasons behind differing rates of decline in the abortion rate cannot be definitively tied to actions undertaken by the administrations of different political parties.”

So, yes, it is true that abortion rates decline more during Democratic presidents, but there is no clear reason why.

I think my favorite quote I found about reducing abortions is this: “The one strategy for reducing abortions that has been proven to work runs through love, not power: support for women who may not feel able to carry a pregnancy to term. This requires not blind allegiance to a political party but the promotion of a culture of life.”

So, what have I learned from all this research?
1. Women who choose to have an abortion most often do so because they don’t think there is another, better option. It isn’t because they are evil or heartless. They just need help. We must each responsibly research which candidates are addressing poverty, education, and easy access to contraceptives to help reduce the perceived need for abortions. Getting rid of the root causes for abortion will take away the need for them.
2. Republican presidents have been unable to overturn Roe V. Wade for the last almost 50 years, even though they tried multiple times and had a Republican majority in the Supreme Court. Supreme Court judges are supposed to be impartial in their rulings, though, which is likely why it has not been overturned. Even if somehow Roe V. Wade is overturned, the states would have power to make their own laws which could potentially be better than the current regulations, but could in other cases be less humane.
3. Partial-birth abortion is illegal in the United States. Late-term abortion is a term used for abortions over 21 weeks gestation, and only 1% of abortions happen beyond that time. It isn’t good, but it is not as huge of an issue as suggested.
4. Joe Biden’s platforms for Women’s Reproductive Health are food for thought as there is potential good in nearly all of them. We must just personally all weigh what is most important to us.
5. The abortion rate is decreasing every year, and it has many contributing factors. Democratic administrations have actually brought more decrease in abortions, but the reasons are unclear.
I didn’t know hardly any of this information before I started researching. I hope this analysis can help ease the minds of pro-lifers like myself who have held negative views about Christians who vote any other way than Republican. It has certainly helped me, and I hope that any pro-lifer who is unsure how to vote this election, or in any election, can feel at peace considering many candidates rather than just one.

I also want to say that I greatly respect Republican presidents for their devotion in protecting the lives of the unborn. They are using their convictions in the way they feel is best. This post was in no way meant to suggest otherwise.

No matter what stance you take on abortion rights, or who you choose to vote for, know that you have my respect and love. I hope we can all respect each other in the choices we make and convictions we hold.

I am pro-life and I am pro-living, and I’m proud of that!
October 14, 2020
We Didn’t Cry

Eight days ago we moved from our home of 8.25 years into a rental home in the next town over.

That night we ate Cook Out on the floor of our empty dining room and played outside together at our home, probably for the last time.

I thought I would cry that night, but I didn’t.

We went over a few more times to clean and collect things, and then the night before closing, the 12th, I left a gift for the new owners, as well as the keys. I knew that none of us would ever step foot into that home or yard again.

I thought I would cry that night, but I didn’t.

I talked to Jad on our date night on August 14, and he told me he hadn’t cried. Neither had I.

It surprised both of us that we hadn’t cried and neither had the kids. In fact, they love the rental home. They have a big family room up front, a long hallway for running, and a huge basement for playing. They are as happy as can be.

Tonight we took a walk down our street and realized just how close we are to the Haw River!

Do I miss my home? Absolutely. I miss the back yard most of all, and I know Jad does too. We don’t use the back yard here really because we couldn’t take our playground or trampoline with us. Maybe we will start running around in it when it gets less hot.

I realized the first day or two after we moved that my heart is not, and never was attached to the four walls of our house. My heart is attached to my husband, my children, our dog, and the memories we have made and will continue to make together.

Our belongings are mostly still with us, which also helps us connect to our new surroundings.

Perhaps what helps the most is that we know that this is a stepping stone to what we really want – a new home built in land we chose, in a town and location we want to always live in.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father sent us to 110 Norwood Court in Collington Farms, Mebane, NC.

I know that we were sent to that particular cul-de-sac, for we have made wonderful, lifetime friends who we trust, admire, and value greatly.

Our downstairs floorplan was perfect for large family gatherings, so we had plenty of holiday celebrations there. I also loved hosting girls’ nights, which I hope to do again after we move into our new home.

The most exciting and memorable thing that happened in our home was that I had a baby in my master bathroom. But, I don’t have to have that bathroom in my life forever to remember the miracle that happened. And that applies to all the amazing things that happened there.

So, my heart is full of all kinds of emotions, but mostly gratitude, not grief, and excitement, not regret.

Perhaps it’s silly to write about this, but I know I will wonder how we all felt 10 years from now.

We hope the new owners love our home the way we did, and we hope that they love our neighbors as we always will!

August 16, 2020
Heavenly Protection for Eve (Times Three)
Rigel and I drove together, just him and me, to our dentist appointments last Thursday, July 23. We were both quiet, but then I asked him if there was something he wanted to talk about.

He thought for a moment, and then asked me to tell him more about my Granddad, a man I so love that he never had the privilege to meet in this life.

I always love talking about Granddad. I told Rigel the story about the Washington, DC Temple Dedicatory Session, and a few more things, and finally ended with I think of him often and have always felt that he is near us protecting our family.

Then Rigel said, “Like Eve.”

I had him explain exactly what he was talking about, and then it all came back to me. In fact, there had been three times in the first couple weeks of July that we felt Eve had been protected by angels.

I feel that I must share these to show the tender mercies of the Lord and the truth that we are protected by those beyond the grave, perhaps even by my own beloved Granddad.
1. The first experience happened at home when we had taken down most of our pictures and then were strategically hanging certain ones up to make our house look nice before putting it on the market. I was doing something in the loft, and all of a sudden, I noticed the power had gone out upstairs. Jad was working on hanging something in Eve’s room. He look around and gasped. Eve had just taken a wall hook that had two nails sticking out of it and had inserted it in to a wall socket! We were shaken up, knowing that she could have easily been electrocuted! We hugged her and comforted her, and we all felt that she had been protected in that moment.
2. The next experience was the one Rigel remembered. We were at my aunt Kathy’s house swimming. She and my uncle John have a great slide that goes right into the pool. Eve was climbing up the stairs to go down the slide, and she slipped off one of the steps towards the top. She could have easily fallen and hit her head on the concrete, but somehow, she fell on her bottom. She was scared, but not hurt. We all recognized the heavenly help she received.
3. The final experience was also at Kathy’s house. We were about to go back into the pool after putting on sunscreen. I told the kids to wait to get in the pool until their sunscreen dried and I was down by the pool with them. I was in the screened-in back porch putting my sunscreen on, and then I heard the kids talking about getting in the pool. I started to go down at that moment, reminding them they couldn’t get in without me, but I wasn’t fast enough because Eve had already walked into the pool without a life vest and without someone to watch her. Thankfully, Casey saw her as she went into water too deep for her, and he swam quickly to rescue her. We all thanked God that she didn’t drown.
As I mention all these three experiences, I must explain that Eve is not much of a risk taker normally, and she doesn’t get hurt often. She also is normally a rule follower who stays close to her parents (and we close to her). Why then, in the course of a week or so did she have so many close calls that could have ended up in great injury?

Perhaps it was so we could be reminded that God and His angels are near us and are watching over us. Perhaps it is for us to cherish our daughter a little harder. I don’t know, but this I do know – that in these three instances, my little girl received heavenly protection. I know this with all of my heart and I am so very grateful for those angels on the other side of the veil, which I believe also includes my Granddad, for taking care of my sweet baby girl.

Can you think of any times in your life where you or someone you love should have been hurt, but was protected by some unseen force? Write it down and share it with someone!
July 27, 2020
18 Years Since I Turned 18
I realized today, my 36th birthday, that it has been 18 years since I turned 18! Crazy!

And then I thought just how much my life as changed – how much I have changed – as a result of what has happened in my life the last 18 years.

June 21, 2002

June 21, 2020

I still remember my 18th birthday a little bit. It was at Nana’s house, just like most of my birthdays were, since my Granddad’s was one day after mine and my uncle’s was one day before mine. It was always very special.

At age 18, I had just graduated from high school. What kind of a person was I then? Well, I was a good person who did well in school who made relatively good choices and who befriended anyone who needed a friend. I went to church every Sunday. I was also obsessed with theater and musicals. I did not have the best self confidence due to being made fun of for so long for my pale skin and freckles. I also never had a lot of close friends my age in high school largely due to my values.

I was excited to go to college that January, but would work for six months to help me raise money. I was going to go to Southern Utah University in Cedar City and I was excited to get away and do my own thing.

So what happened the next 18 years? Allow me to highlight some of the biggest things from each year:

2002 – Graduated high school, worked two jobs (CVS and Walmart), and began going to the Singles Ward, where I met my first “love,” and thought I didn’t want children

2003 – Flew in an airplane for the first time, went off to college, started growing out my bangs for the first time, dated a lot, got engaged, went to the temple to make covenants with God, got married for time and all eternity

2004 – Got pregnant with my first born and going to school full time

2005 – Had my first baby, Casey Scott Lewis, and filed for divorce

2006 – Was greatly saddened by the deaths of my beloved Granddad and my two great grandmothers, got a divorce, graduated from SUU, moved to North Carolina for the first time, tried to fit in with singles again and had the worst self-esteem ever (see some of my struggles through being single from 2006-2010 here: https://ablisscomplete.com/finding-joy-in-my-circumstances/ )

2007 – Got a full time job at the AICPA, moved into my own apartment with Casey, put him in daycare (super hard for me), dated here and there

2008 – Fell madly in love with a man who loved me back but kept trying to get me to leave my church, met and fell for a Marine who would soon be deployed

2009 – Met Jad, decided between him and my marine (guess who won?), and made wonderful memories with this man I was falling in love with and felt was the one for me

2010 – Got engaged and then married to my true love, Jad, went on a belated honeymoon to Pigeon Forge, got pregnant with Rigel

2011 – Rigel was born, quit my successful career at the AICPA so I could raise him, started an Avon business, got sealed in the temple to Rigel and Jad, and Jad had major surgery to remove most of his liver due to having Echinococcus

2012 – Moved into our first home in Mebane, NC, got pregnant with Kamren

2013 – Kamren was born at home in the toilet – the scariest, yet most miraculous event in my life other than Jad’s surgery two years before, started teaching an Institute class on the Book of Mormon, Jad became a citizen of the United States, I performed in a musical with my church called Sing Down the Moon: Appalachian Wonder Tales

2014 – I started this blog, which I felt was a calling from the Lord! (See a summary of my blogs from that year here: https://ablisscomplete.com/a-blissful-anniversary/ ), we got a dog, celebrated my 30th birthday in DC, and Jad started IT school, which kept him very busy

2015 – Quit my Avon business, later started an It Works business, started doing book reviews for Cedar Fort Publishing and writing articles for Family Share, started singing in Messiah in Mebane (Just in case you want to know all about that year: https://ablisscomplete.com/2015-with-the-al-bjalys/ )

2016 – Won a trip to Disney world, went to Disney World for almost a week, got pregnant with my fourth, performed in my church’s musical Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, quit It Works, helped edit an author’s book for the first time (I would do so a few more times in the coming years, and I hope to do this as a job someday), found out I was having my first girl, attended the open house of the Philadelphia, PA temple, had my daughter, Eve, 5 weeks early

2017 – Started an online e-commerce store, lovingly called PB and Apple Jelly

2018 – Attended an elite training to help me scale our business, spent most of my time that year on my business, coached the next set of trainees at the same conference I went to earlier that year, started working with amazing women in the stake primary presidency (my first time working in the stake – district of smaller wards or congregations)

2019 -Performed in my church’s musical of Seussical, went to Palmyra, NY and got to see all the sacred sites of our early church history

2020 – Closed down PB and Apple Jelly, went on a wonderful 10 year anniversary trip with Jad to Asheville, NC, felt inspired to post Book of Mormon quotes on Facebook often, am still enduring Covid-19 and learning how to better stand up for the needs and rights of all my brothers and sisters in this world, and also working very hard to get our house ready to sell and build a new home on over 5 acres

I am sure I am missing a bunch of things, but these are important to how I have changed and developed as a person over this time.

From my experiences, I have:
1. Realized I can still be happy even in difficult circumstances, as my circumstances do not equate to my worth.
2. Learned more about love and what qualities I really needed in a lasting, eternal companion.
3. Increased in self-esteem as I decreased in envy and realized that God loves me for me.
4. Received a confirmation over and over that God is real and that He watches out for me through angels (on both sides of the veil) and that miracles still happen.
5. Learned that to be good you must act with goodness, not just believe in it. You must serve, share, and speak up boldly for the right.
6. Gained a stronger testimony over the years of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and of His role as my Savior and Redeemer.
7. Realized that really matters most in my life – not money or success or social media likes and shares, but the love I have for my family and my role as a disciple of Christ.
8. Grown in boldness in sharing the gospel of Christ with those around me and online.
9. Learned more about who I am – the good, bad and the ugly, and have worked hard to improve myself (an on-going project).
10. Learned what makes a good friend and how to be one, and appreciated so many friends, family, and acquaintances who have helped me become who I am today.
There are countless ways that I have learned and grown through these 18 years. I see God’s hand in refining me, and I pray in the next 18 years I will be closer to my true potential.
June 21, 2020
One Roadtrip, Four Ways to Use the Potty

Since we have been at home so much due to the restrictions surrounding COVID-19, I thought it would be an awesome idea for us to take the kids on a little road trip to Troutman, NC to visit Zootastic.

We know a couple families whose kids recently called it the best place ever, so we knew we had to go!

So, yesterday, we left the house mid-morning to make the 1 hour 40 minute drive there. It was around lunchtime when we got to the area, so we dropped by Randy’s Barbeque to get lunch first.

Jad ordered the food from the car and we waited for him to go get it. The food was pretty good, though the order wasn’t all the way right. The cups of drink were gigantic, though. We were surprised, but sure grateful for that later. (Stay tuned.)

My brother-in-law and his family decided to go to Zootastic too, after our last minute invitation. They ended up “arriving” before us since we had stopped for lunch. We knew to expect some traffic as we got there, since we had seen a little when we passed it to go get lunch, but as we approached the entrance to the park, we stopped well down the road due to ridiculous amounts of traffic.

We knew it would be a while, so Jad turned on Bedtime Stories on his phone (thank you, Verizon, and thank you, Disney Plus!). We laughed hysterically as we waited in the super long line (thank you, Adam Sandler!).

We finally turned left onto the road the park was on, but we were still in bumper to bumper traffic. At that exact moment, Rigel cried out that he really had to go to the bathroom.

Well, we weren’t near any businesses. We just had a grassy area on our right, and I was not about to have him pee out there when there were cars everywhere. I explained that to him, but it wasn’t registering.

I looked at one of the gigantic styrofoam cups and said that he should pee in that. Rigel did not like that idea at all. He got panicky and begged for a place to go to the bathroom. He was freaking out about it. While he was doing that, I, being a most compassionate, sympathetic mother, was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face. Rigel was nothing but cries of agony, even after realizing the horrible truth that he would have to PEE IN A CUP. He then screamed out about not being able to unbutton his pants, and after we reminded him he didn’t need to, he yelled at Eve not to look. More panic came, but then only relief flooded over him as he finally let it go… and peed in his cup.

In the 10 years Jad and I have been married, we have NEVER had to have anyone pee in a cup in the car. So, when Eve then said she had to go potty, the joke was on me. Jad told me to handle it.

What??? What if she pees on me? And on herself? And on the car? Okay, I can handle this.

I pulled down her pants, told her to bend her knees and squat as much as possible. I held another gigantic cup under her, praying I had positioned it right and I wouldn’t drop it. I was awkwardly leaning down, holding part of her weight on me, and holding the cup. She kept saying that it was coming, but it wasn’t coming. But, then, finally, when I felt hope slipping away and resigned myself to being peed on while the cup cracked in my tired fingers, it finally did come out, and she peed perfectly into the cup. I didn’t drop it, and the day was saved.

Jad wanted to toss the pee outside, but I said that was gross and tacky, so we didn’t for a while. I heard they did it when I took Kamren to the porta potty a little while later, when we finally turned into the park. Stinkers.

We thought we were in the home stretch when we turned into Zootastic’s parking lot, but yeah, we could haven’t been more wrong! We were just starting the eternal, snail-paced zigzag of cars. The line was so long, we finished watching Bedtime Stories, and watched most of Tangled before we finally got to the part where we paid, and that’s with pausing the movies every time someone went to the bathroom (which was a lot). I was grateful for the porta potties, which I never thought I’d say, as well as for the extra baby wipes I had packed!

I found I was grateful for a lot during those hours of sitting in the car. The cell phone movies, cups and porta potties were just the beginning. I was grateful that the kids could unbuckle their seatbelts and move around due to the slow pace. I was grateful that people had their windows down and we could wave to each other and smile at the cute kids. I was grateful for Facebook messenger where we could see my brother-in-law’s family and talk to them. I was so grateful when we were able to wave to their car about three zig zags away. It’s so weird to say it felt amazing to just wave to them, but it did.

The sweetest experience of waiting in line was Eve being able to sit in her Daddy’s lap and help him “drive” the van. He taught her about turning the wheel, and it was adorable.

We were all exhausted by the time we paid to enter Zootastic, but also excited. A little ways in, Jad was able to get out and open the trunk so Casey and Rigel could sit in the back. Eve also was in the back occasionally (she kept moving around). It was a chance for my two oldest to bond.

When compared to how long we waited in the car before actually seeing the animals, the Zootastic experience was quite short, even with the cars going slowly.

But, we did see some beautiful animals, and some of us got to pet and try to feed them.

At one point, Kamren really had to go to the bathroom (again), so Jad took him to the portapotty that was right by where our van was at the moment. I didn’t feel right about it, suggesting he also pee in a cup (hey, we were experts by now), but he said they’d be able to catch up.

Well, the cars started moving faster, and when Jad and Kamren came out, they were going really slow and not catching up. Then Casey and Rigel told me they weren’t moving at all, but were talking to an employee.

Meanwhile, we kept going further and further away. I couldn’t turn around or pull over. Then, we noticed someone in a tractor drive up to them. Kamren and Jad got to ride in it across the bison field back to the safety of the van! I think they loved it. They may have had an initial scolding from one of the Zootastic workers, but it was an experience they wouldn’t have had otherwise!

When we finally were done with the drive through zoo, we got to park for the first time in hours to go into the general store. It was well past closing time, like almost 7pm, but we felt so happy to just get out and stretch our legs! And we were grateful they kept the store open. We didn’t get anything (except a gigantic $.99 pen for Kamren), but the kids loved looking around.

And then I was grateful for a cute picture of our kids outside of it!

None of us was super excited to get back in the car and go home, since we had been in the car since 10:30ish that morning, but we did. We also had to get food. We weren’t thrilled about going out to eat twice in one day, but at least we have been saving a lot of money on gas and entertainment lately!

I researched the closest Papa John’s, found one 15 minutes away in Mocksville, placed an online order quickly, and it was ready by the time we dropped by Sheetz to get drinks and then arrived to pick it up. I am grateful for modern technology that made the food ordering so easy! And I’m grateful Sheetz has gum, because Eve was having a huge tantrum about wanting gum right before we got there (she hadn’t had her “beauty rest”).

We didn’t watch any more movies on the way home. We just ate, listened to music, and relaxed the best we could. And we made it home, only having to stop once for Kamren to go to the bathroom. So, that day, people went to the bathroom one of four ways – in a cup, in a porta potty, in a real bathroom (thank goodness for one of those by the general store), and the side of the road. What a potty-tastic adventure!

Not long before getting home, we sang a hymn and read scriptures on my phone. I was grateful once again for cell phones.

Are you tired reading this? Imagine how we felt!

But, at least we can remember this day of trying to have fun during COVID-19 with fondness and hilarity.

And maybe we’ll just go back to hiking until this mess is over! Hiking is easy and we can get out of the car. 😀

May 3, 2020
Goodbye, PB and Apple Jelly!
You know the end of the story based on the title, but let me start at the beginning: Back in October 2017, Jad and I excitedly and proudly opened our e-commerce store, PB and Apple Jelly.

We had spent tons of time and effort on it, and really loved what we came up with. We knew something good would come of it. Once we launched, I did the best I could to run the store with the knowledge I had, but I knew I needed some more help to really help my store thrive.

Then in February of 2018, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to go to an elite training in Maryland with the very successful creator of ZeroUp, Fred Lam, and his associates. It was such an empowering experience and my store began to quickly excel from the knowledge I gained.

Because my store had done so well, and because I had been such a “ninja” at my elite training, I was asked to be an elite trainer for the October 2018 ZeroUp Elite conference. That was such an honor. I got to sit and eat with Fred Lam many times, and I was his equal there. Can you imagine me, an equal to a multi-millionaire??

I loved training new e-commerce store owners who were eager to learn and succeed. At that point, my store wasn’t doing as well as it had before, but I was still working hard on it and learned some new things at the conference. In contrast to the conference in February where I was a student, I actually didn’t feel as happy at this conference. I missed my family more, and I felt like I didn’t fit in. Fred and his people had a different lifestyle that included lots of eating and drinking at fancy restaurants and focusing on making lots of money. Fred’s assistant and I had a good conversation one day at lunch, though, about her wanting a baby, and that was the one time I felt like I made an authentic connection with any of these successful people. Other than that, I really felt like a poseur. But, I did enjoy my time training, and I was sad to say goodbye to the students I helped.

I continued to work as hard as I could on my store, but then in 2019, when I was super busy learning lines, music, and dance moves for my church’s musical Seussical, I realized that I just didn’t have the time to put my all into my business at that time. So, I stopped doing ads, and either did less or no marketing emails. I kept the store open, but knew I couldn’t invest the time I had previously done.

There were many times during the beginning of 2019 and beyond that I felt maybe it was time to close the store down. But, every time I thought about it, like magic, I would get a really good order or two. To me, it was a sign from God that I needed to continue. So, I did.

Later in the year, though, I decided to turn off most of my store apps and only pay for the website monthly fee. I did try another ad once or twice, but no matter how good I thought they were or how awesome the products were, they surprisingly weren’t successful.

And finally, at the end of last month (January 2020), I made the difficult decision to completely shut down my beloved PB and Apple Jelly, a store that was built from my heart, a store that I had spent thousands of hours building and operating. I had a month from shutting it down to make the final decision whether or not to reopen it. I decided not to.

So, it’s gone now.

People often ask me how my store is doing, and the couple people I have told that I shut it down have been quite surprised. They knew how passionate I was about it, how successful it had been at one time, and how many people loved shopping on the site, especially for clothes.

So, let me explain a little more why I came to the decision I did:
1. Remember the miracles I talked about – how every time I talked about closing the store, I would get an awesome order? Well, that stopped happening.
2. We initially started the store to make extra income. Well, we got it for quite a while, but because of promotions at work, we no longer needed the extra income.
3. The store, though a very exciting endeavor for me, took up an incredible amount of time. I would wake up every morning early and work on it for a couple of hours. Then I would work on it here and there during the morning while I was with Eve. I would work super hard on it all during naptime too, and then when my boys got home from school, I would still be working. I would also work in the evenings sometimes too, which kept me from spending quality time with Jad. It was way more work than I ever anticipated – way more work than the gurus at ZeroUp said it would be. (PS – that’s the way it always is with home businesses. They always tell you that you make your own hours and work around your schedule, spending as little or as much time as you want, but that’s just not true!)
4. Because I spent so much time on the store, and thus energy, I would eat to curb exhaustion and to help me keep going. I’d often make myself bowls of edible cookie dough or eat a large cup or more of sugary cereal. It was bad, and definitely keeping me from losing weight.
5. I figured out too late that if you want to make a ton of money with an e-commerce store, you have to invest a ton of money in ads, in apps, in videos and pictures, and so much more. I didn’t have money to burn, so I couldn’t put a lot into it.
6. I realized from my training class and from the class I trained at, that almost nobody who takes the classes ends up being successful with e-commerce, and that frustrated me. We always had to be on top of the market, paying for more training and programs. Too many of us just couldn’t do it. We tried so hard and did what we had learned, but the money was scarce and so was time.
7. When I would get returns, it was hard to make that money back. I would lose all the profit, and sometimes I wouldn’t even get back the product cost because it was too hard to resell the item.
8. The store stopped bringing me joy. It brought me more frustration than anything towards the end. Even when I did no work on the store at all, and just let orders organically come in through google searches, it was still a lot of work to make sure all went through.
9. It just was no longer necessary. It had served its purpose. I learned a lot and met some cool people. But, it was keeping me from doing many things that were way more important to my life.
So what am I doing instead?

Well, I have spent quite a lot of time pondering and praying about what is best for me to do with my time. It has been a glorious exercise, and organically changes over time.
1. I have been trying very hard to focus on my children when they are around me and not doing other projects unless absolutely necessary.
2. I have been reading my scriptures and working out every morning.
3. I have been writing a book, blogging more, communicating with my extended family and friends more, doing more service, reading more spiritual messages, and working hard on my genealogy, which has been my favorite hobby. It brings me so much happiness!
So, looking above at what I have been doing, doesn’t that seem so much more rewarding than stressing about an online store all day and all evening? It is – so much more so!

I don’t feel like a failure. I know that I put my all into my store, and it was fun and rewarding for the time it was supposed to be there. I also truly experienced what it might be like to live life with completely different priorities, and it solidified in me just how precious my family is, as well as my physical and spiritual health.

If anyone reading is drowning in an endeavor that just isn’t bearing fruit the way you hoped, please ponder and pray to see if it’s right to continue. And don’t feel bad if it’s time to move on. I really think that we should often ponder our lives and reprioritize what’s most important. It is such a rewarding process.

Goodbye, PB and Apple Jelly. Thank you for the learning experiences you provided me!
February 29, 2020
Want to Visit Palmyra? Read This!

My family just did a 1-week trip to Palmyra, NY the second week of July, 2019. We experienced and learned so much, so I wanted to share some tips, suggestions, and experiences to help anyone else who wants to visit this wonderful area!

For those of you who have no idea where Palmyra, NY is, it’s in upstate New York. It doesn’t look anything like you would expect. It’s green and gorgeous, with lovely mountains and valleys, and lots of farmland. You will love driving there if you do!

So, why is Palmyra important? Well, it’s the place where the history of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints began. There are many places in and around Palmyra that members of the church hold very sacred. It is a place I highly recommend anyone visit. Now that we know where it is and why it’s significant, let’s move on to my tips, shall we?

Planning your trip: I spent countless hours planning our trip to a T. We barely followed what I planned. We did go to the places I planned, but the order in which we did everything, and the days, changed based on weather, how long we were at certain places, etc. I do recommend if you are going to the church history sites and are able to spread them out, do it, especially if you have small children. It’s nice to do the spiritual, historical things and then do something more creative or fun. All the Palmyra places are close to each other, so it’s okay if you drive a little out of the way. It does not matter which order you do the church history sites, but you will probably want to go to the Priesthood Restoration Site on your way to your trip or on the way home. The only other site outside of Palmyra is the Peter Whitmer Farm. Just go first thing in the morning and then head back to Palmyra, or wherever you want to spend the rest of your day. Do not skip ANY of the sites if you can help it. Those two sites were two of our favorites.

Driving in the car with kids: I wish I had the magic answer for this, haha! I do know the kids did best when they had movies to watch (we just brought and hooked up our laptop), books to read, and fun music to listen to. They also liked having blankets and stuffed animals with them. Bring lots of food and snacks. We often ate lunch in the car throughout the trip. The more space the kids have, generally the better. Maybe put a bag in between them. That actually helped us!

Stops along the way: If traveling from the east coast (we are in NC), great stops going up or coming back from Palmyra are Hershey, PA and Gettysburg, PA. We stopped in Hershey on the way and Gettysburg on the way back.

Hotel Recommendation: Homewood Suites by Hilton in Victor, NY. We loved it because they served breakfast each morning (with variations on the menu), and they had a social M-Th from 5-7 that worked super well as dinner. We took advantage of the social three out of four nights. They also had a pool, hot tub, nice fitness room, and more. They even have fresh cookies at the front desk every morning. It was a very clean and comfortable place in a great location in between Palmyra and Rochester. As another note, we booked our hotel in January to stay in July. Book your hotel early!

Tolls: There are tolls around that area of upstate New York. The first toll you stop at you will get a ticket. At the second, you will pay the toll. It’s cash only, but isn’t super expensive. Just have cash and change on hand.

Weather and Bugs: Definitely pack the bug spray. There are tons of mosquitoes in the summertime. We heard it would be really humid there, but honestly, it was nothing compared to NC. It was actually sometimes too chilly, so maybe pack a light jacket or sweater.

Anti-Latter-day Saint Protesters and Sites: The church history sites of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are sacred places. They are places where you will feel the Spirit of the Lord very strongly, places where you will feel peace and a tugging at your heart. You will feel of God’s love so abundantly. Unfortunately, Satan is also at work. Near or at most of the sites you will see buildings that advertise websites, exhibits or videos that are meant to pull you away from that Spirit. At the pageant, it is no different. There were a group of people with signs, and one man on a megaphone saying some very hurtful, untrue things about Latter-day Saints. My best advice is to not listen to them. They are not trying to help, but rather to hurt. If you are a member of the church, just think about how you feel when you are in these sacred places and at church. Remember God’s love for you and don’t doubt it. If you aren’t a member of our church, please try to find out for yourself if what our church claims is true. Listen to your heart, study it out, and pray. You will not find truth about our church from those who hate it, but only through the Spirit as you read the Book of Mormon, learn about Joseph Smith, and pray fervently. Truth will always be opposed, and to find truth, we need to go to the source.

The Hill Cumorah Pageant:

This pageant is the biggest reason we went to Palmyra. The pageant ends after next year, sadly, so we highly recommend you go in 2020. It’s free, there is ample parking, and it’s right next to the Hill Cumorah Visitors Center. The stage is huge, and there really isn’t a bad seat. If you do wish to reserve a seat, you can do so from noon on. I do recommend doing it if you can, but it’s not required. Watch the weather and be prepared for rain. Bring blankets, ponchos, jackets, etc. It will not only be wet, but cold. The pageant is only canceled if there is thunder and lightning.

Here is our experience: As we walked to our seats, it was wonderful to speak to cast members before we sat down. They were all so nice. Right before the show was to begin, sadly, it started pouring down rain. It was a cold and fat rain. Luckily, we had ponchos and rain jackets. The show began anyway, and even though the weather made it a little hard to focus, it was still a beautiful production. The rain let up occasionally, but always started to pour back down after a few minutes. Just when I felt I could no longer take the cold and wet (I had given my poncho to one of my sons), the rain stopped and stayed stopped. It stopped around the time the Savior was introduced into the story. It was poignant for me. My little girl ended up next to me at one point when Jesus was on stage. I whispered to her that Jesus loves her, and not long after that, she fell asleep on me. I felt the Spirit so strongly at the pageant, especially closer to the end with Christ visiting the Americas, Moroni burying the plates, and then finally the miraculous events leading to the restoration of the gospel. Oh, it was so worth seeing. Once it was over, we followed thousands of people to the parking lot. My husband was able to help get a car out of the mud. Our hearts were full that night.

Our experience with the historical sites of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

Priesthood Restoration Site in Oakland Township, PA (used to be called Harmony) – As we got closer to the site, and were driving along the river, My husband and I both felt such a peace. We felt that the place we would soon arrive at was a sacred place, and that miraculous events truly happened there. The whole experience was wonderful, from the video to the Visitors center, to the walk to the Hale and Smith home, to the cemetery visit where Joseph and Emma’s first sweet baby is buried, to actually being at the river near where John the Baptist appeared to Joseph and Oliver and gave them the priesthood authority to baptize. We loved our visit to this wonderful place.

The Hill Cumorah – The Visitors center was beautiful and we felt so happy there. We loved sitting in front of the Christus and hearing Christ’s words. There were so many things to read and watch there. My husband was so full of the Spirit there. He sat and contemplated alone for a bit. We then walked up to the actual hill, the Hill Cumorah, where the prophet Moroni buried the gold plates hundreds of years ago, and where he, as an angel, would show them to Joseph Smith with a sacred charge to translate them. I loved being there. We didn’t want to go down. Walking back down, we felt so much joy and peace.

Grandin Building, the Book of Mormon Publication Site – It wasn’t easy in there because nothing was really touchable, and our little ones wanted to touch everything and run around. Regardless, we gained so much appreciation for the time and care that went into publishing this sacred work. It took two years and $3000 up front to publish 5000 books. The whole process was painstaking. I think I would have lost my mind doing any one part of it. We got to take home a replica of the first 16 pages printed. One of our sons was so excited about that. I was too! We also loved seeing the gorgeous original works of art. We felt the Spirit so much.

Peter Whitmer Farm – This site is about 35 minutes from Palmyra in Waterloo. We watched a wonderful video. The kids were good the whole time and very quiet. I felt the Spirit so strongly. This farm was where Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery finished translating the plates. It’s where the three and eight witnesses were chosen. And it’s where the church was founded. The first Sacrament meeting was in the Whitmer home. It was such a beautiful and special place to be. I loved how excited one of my sons was to hold a replica of the first edition of The Book of Mormon. He wanted me.to take photos of every angle.

The Sacred Grove and Smith Family Farm – This is where the restoration all began. It wasn’t my favorite site, mostly because there was no video in the welcome center and the tour wasn’t very organized, but ultimately, it felt amazing to be able to walk into the grove where Joseph Smith as a 14-year-old boy knelt to pray vocally for the first time. He was not sure which church he should join, and somewhere in that grove of trees by his home, he was visited by two Heavenly personages, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Walking in that grove only further solidified my testimony, and that of my family. I was so proud of my boys for individually going off, finding a spot in the grove, and praying to their Heavenly Father. It was so precious, and an experience I will never forget.

Places other than the church history sites that we went to and loved:

Palmyra:

Park down the road from EB Grandin Building – I don’t know the address, but if you are walking past the Grandin building as it’s on your right, you will see a cute little park with old-fashioned play equipment. My kids had so much fun there and it was a great place to relax for a while. It was hot, but pretty shady.

Pal-Mac Aqueduct County Park –The Eerie Canal runs through it and there is a small waterfall. There isn’t much there, but the kids had a lot of fun in the open field and jumping off rocks. It was a nice place to just relax and run for a bit.

Palmyra Community Library – I am so glad I found this library! They do lots of fun activities all summer, and they also served free lunch to all children up to age 18 from 12-12:30 M-Th. We ate lunch there twice on our stay. It’s also a great library in general – it’s big and there’s a great children’s section with toys and books.

Alvin Smith’s Gravesite – Alvin Smith was Joseph Smith’s brother who died in his 25^th year. It was tender to talk to the kids about how Alvin hadn’t been baptized, which worried his family, but what a blessing it was when the Lord revealed to Joseph Smith about baptisms for the dead in the house of the Lord.

Palmyra New York Temple – My husband did a session at the temple one day while the kids and I were at a storytime at the library. If you aren’t an endowed member of the church, it’s still wonderful to walk the temple grounds. It was so humbling and beautiful to think that on the Smiths’ very farmland now stands a glorious temple of the Lord. Did Joseph forsee that day? We felt so happy at the temple.

Macedon:

Long Acre Farms – This town is super close to Palmyra. It was hot and we were almost the only ones at the farm, but there is so much for kids to do, like jumping pillows, playgrounds, a huge tube to slide down, and much more. All of my kids had a blast, and it’s affordable to go there.

Rochester:

Highland Park Playground – We went here to play for a bit before going to the Strong Museum. It’s a great place to climb, practice balance, and use your imagination. We loved it.

The Strong Museum of Play – If you are ever in upstate NY, and have kids, you must take them here. We were there for a super long time and barely got through the whole thing. It’s probably the coolest, most fun museum we have ever been to in our lives. All of my kids found things they loved. My husband and I also had a blast. Little tip- if you spend $20 on tokens to play in the arcade, you will be able to play 100 games. That was a great deal, lol. It was so cool to see how toys have changed throughout time. Talk about nostalgia. I loved every second there. They also have a great food court, as well as a Bill Gray’s, a gift shop (don’t bother shopping there as it’s way pricey), and a carousel.

Seabreeze Amusement Park – The park is an amusement park and water park. It hosts the oldest running roller coaster in the US, the Jack Rabbit. It was cool to ride it. The park isn’t huge, but we were there from 11-6:30 anyway. It was almost too chilly for the water park, but we managed. Maybe try going on a hotter, or at least sunny day. We went on a cloudy day – hint, even if it’s super cloudy, wear sunscreen. The price was pretty affordable – get your tickets online for a discount.

Ontario Beach Park – This was not like beaches we usually swim at because it was a lake rather than an ocean, but I loved it because the water was calm, the sand was soft, the only things we saw in the water were algae and rocks, and it doesn’t get deep quickly. It was great for all my kids. The water was a little chilly, but we got used to it. The bathrooms were gross and there was lots of bad language and some making out seen, but overall, we loved being there. Sometimes they do outdoor concerts. They also have a huge pier you can walk on, a carousel, and a playground. It’s free to park and swim. They also have lifeguards on site.

Must-Visit Restaurants:

Palmyra – Chill and Grill – This is a small restaurant with hamburgers, hot dogs, junk plates, and lots of awesome ice cream flavors. It was pricey, but really good. In case you didn’t know (I didn’t), NY has something called a garbage plate, or junk plate, or great plate. It usually includes a layer of baked beans and mac (macaroni) salad on the bottom, and is topped with two cheeseburgers, hamburgers, or hot dogs (or a combination of any). It also has lots of toppings and condiments. You can customize to your liking. It sounds gross, but I loved it. One junk plate here fed my husband and I very well. This restaurant is very close to the Grandin Building, Pal-Mac County Park, and the Palmyra County Library.

Rochester – Bill Gray’s – This restaurant is right behind Seabreeze, so is a perfect place to eat dinner after you leave. It was delicious! They have a large menu, and also a kids’ menu. I got my second junk plate here (they call it a great plate). They also had Abbott’s Frozen Custard, which was so silky, creamy, and downright fabulous! We all left with full, happy bellies!

Gift Shop Ideas:

Palmyra – Latter-Day Harvest – We didn’t get a chance to go in because their hours were limited, but it is right by the Grandin building and sells wonderful gifts and things to help you remember the spiritual history of Palmyra. They also have a website – oldnauvoo.com.

Rochester – Simply New York Marketplace & Gifts – This store was very clean and well-organized. The lady working was super friendly and patient with my kids. The store has tons of things made in NY, and everything is made in the USA. Some things are pricey and other things are more affordable. It’s a great place to shop if you want to bring a little bit of NY home with you. It’s right down the road from Seabreeze.

Places we considered going but didn’t go to, but are still awesome:

Niagara Falls – We didn’t go because we don’t have passports and the Canada side is much better. Also, we wanted to stay close to where we stayed. Finally, it didn’t seem to be a good activity for our toddler.

Watkins Glen Park – It looked so lovely, but we didn’t go because we felt the hike would be too hard for our toddler, and it wasn’t really close enough to go to, or on our way to anything else.

Genesee Country Village & Museum –It looked really fun and interesting, but it was pricey, was a little out of the way of where we were, and we were already doing a ton of history stuff. My kids weren’t super interested.

George Eastman Museum – This looked like a really interesting and lovely museum, but it didn’t seem very kid-friendly, at least not for littles.

Rochester Museum and Science Center – Due to time, it was either go to this or the Strong Museum of Play, and the Strong Museum looked way cooler to us.

Chimney Bluffs State Park – This looked like an amazing landscape, but the kids weren’t super interested.

Pittsford Farms Dairy – It looked like a fabulous ice cream place, but since we found Abbott’s, we didn’t feel we needed to go. We also didn’t do anything else in Pittsford.

Six Flags Darien Lake – Of course this would be a fabulous park, but we almost felt it would be too big, and thus too hard, to keep up with all of our kids there. It was also out of the way and pricey.

Roseland Water Park – We had to decide between this and Seabreeze. Because some of us really preferred roller coasters and non-water rides, we chose Seabreeze. Roseland would be better on a hot, sunny day when all you want to do is water rides.

Historic Palmyra – These are five museums showing Palmyra history. Because we were already going to so many historical sites, we decided not to go. The price is really good, though!

Nick Tahou Hots – This is the home of the garbage plate. We didn’t go, though, because the reviews weren’t super good, and we were able to get the same thing at other restaurants.

Wegmans – Apparently this is the best grocery store ever. We passed one but never had time to go in one. We did see a play one at the Strong Museum, though!

Dinosaur Barbeque – This restaurant came highly recommended. It looks fabulous for people who love barbeque, ribs, wings etc. It didn’t look so appetizing for the kids, and was pretty expensive, though.

There is so much to do in this area, and that’s not even most of it – these are just the places I was most interested in! There is something for everyone.

As you can see, this was a full trip. We came home better people with stronger testimonies of Christ. We will truly miss upstate New York. It changed us and filled our hearts with joy!

July 18, 2019
Must They Grow Up?

As the thunder roared and shook our house Sunday night, my husband went to check on our little Eve, who is two months shy of turning two years old.

She was, as he suspected, frightened by the storm. He lovingly brought her to our bed, snuggled with her for a bit, and then left her to fall asleep peacefully.

This is actually a photo of her sleeping in our bed a few nights before. She was sleeping in nearly the same position Sunday night too.

As we went upstairs later to get ready for bed ourselves, I asked soon Jad if he wanted to put her back in her bed. He was sitting next to her on the bed just staring at her, and said that he just wanted to enjoy her for a while longer because these moments wouldn’t last forever.

I don’t know why, but his comments hit me like a ton of bricks. I got emotional to the point that I started weeping.

Eve is my fourth, and most likely last, child. She is my only daughter, and the love I have for her is indescribable.

All of my babies have been like therapy for me – their softness, their innocence, their playfulness, their hilarious idiosyncrasies – everything about them brings me to life.

I guess it hit me in that moment that all the things I love about having babies would someday be going away, never to be replaced by the appearance of another little one.

I cried and cried for a while. I couldn’t explain it, but I did ask Jad, “What if when she grows up, she doesn’t remember? What if she doesn’t love me the way she does now? What if we don’t have the bond we do now? What if she never realizes all that I have done for her and how much I love her?”

At that moment, I caught a glimpse of what parents of adult children may go through sometimes, and I appreciated my parents even more. They loved me so much that they raised me from infancy to adulthood. There is very little love that comes close to the love of parents for their children.

Another thought came to me the next day – that even though I cherish each moment with my squishy, perfect, baby girl, if she stayed young forever I would miss out on so much. I would never get to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her, or comfort her when she had a bad day, or give her advice about a hard situation. I would never be able to teach her how to read, how to cook, or how to flirt with boys. I would never be able to help her make and grow her testimony of Jesus Christ. I would never be able to see her marry her sweetheart or have a baby of her own. I would never be able to truly have a best friend in her, which is what I want more than anything.

I took these photos of her Monday morning as all my thoughts were still fresh in my mind. She looked so beautiful to me in those moments.

I am still struggling with the idea of her growing up. She brings a joy to our family I could never describe. She is absolutely perfect for me, and for our family, from her hair, to her smile, to her love of cleaning,to her interesting food choices, to her sassiness. We can’t imagine life without her.

A part of me really wishes she could stay little forever, and then another part of me is excited for the future. As I sit here typing with a stray tear rolling down my cheek, I am mostly sad about the idea, but I know that it will be okay. God will fulfill that part of me in other ways, and I will be able to help raise my beloved daughter into the young woman she has the potential to become.

My dearest Eve, if you ever read this, just know that you are one of my greatest gifts and joys. I look forward to our years together.

August 14, 2018
A Trip Just for Me
My husband and I started an ecommerce business called PB and Apple Jelly a little over four months ago. It has been a ton of hard work with successes here and failures there, with a lot of learning and frustration in between.

A little over a month ago, Fred Lam, the 29-year-old multi-millionaire entrepreneur who created the system we use to operate our store, announced that he would be choosing up to 25 people to come to an elite training in February to really scale up their businesses. It sounded great, and Jad and I thought it would be a good idea to fill out the application just in case. But, there were a lot of issues with the sign-up page, and we thought our opportunity was gone. Over a hundred people had already signed up before us, after all.

But the page was fixed the next day and we were able to fill out the application and sign up for a phone interview. Long story short, the phone interview went very well, and the elite member I interviewed with said he was very impressed with our story and our store and wanted us to have the opportunity to go to this workshop. It would come with a cost, though. It was a BIG cost.

I talked to Jad about it, and with thought, prayer, and reflection on what it really takes to make a business grow, we decided to go for it. There were preparations to be done. As the day drew upon us for me to leave the kids, it was really hard for me. I was afraid to drive to Maryland by myself, and I was worried about how Eve would do since I had never left her. I left my family on the morning of January 31 with many kisses and hugs, and got in the car to go to this Elite workshop.

My day ended up being so wonderful. Here is my account:

Today has been quite a day! I said goodbye to my babies and husband this morning so I could drive up to Maryland to do a four-day elite training workshop to help me scale up my little store. I hated saying goodbye to them, and I was very nervous about driving by myself up there, but Jad gave me a blessing and I found myself calm and at peace as I made the 4.5 hour trek.

I decided to go to the Washington DC Temple before I headed to my hotel. I first spent some time in the beautiful visitors center where I got to watch two very spirit-filled videos about Oliver Cowdery and David Whitmer. Their stories are full of miracles and they truly had great missions to fulfill in the restoration of the gospel of Christ.

Then I went to the temple. I was last there at my cousin’s wedding, but hadn’t done an endowment session there since I did my own in 2003. It was a very different experience being in such a huge temple, but everyone was so helpful. The beauty and spirit in the House of the Lord is unparalleled. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost more strongly today than I have felt in a long time. I turned to a passage of scripture after my session that brought clarity to me, and gratitude. I didn’t want to leave the temple.

I could have stayed there forever, but it was getting dark and I had to get to my hotel. Driving to Gaithersburg from Kensington was very scary. There was major traffic, blinding lights, and unfamiliar roads. I sang hymns all the way to the hotel and prayed in my heart that I would be safe. I was, and I am so grateful.

I took a walk alone by the lake and shopping mall behind the hotel after checking in. It felt lonely, but I was able to reflect on my many blessings. I miss my family, but I know that this trip will be for my and my family’s good. I thank my Heavenly Father for His hand in my life.

Here is the scripture I read in the temple:

Mosiah 3:19 from the Book of Mormon: For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

The part that stood out to me the most was ‘willing to submit to all the things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him…’

The clarity came that I need to always submit to the Lord’s will, and accept and find peace in the trials that come my way instead of fighting them and being frustrated or impatient or downtrodden. If I am living righteously, then I must trust that all things that come my way, joyful or sorrowful, are for my benefit.

It’s pretty cool to me that the hotel chosen for this training was a Marriott, and every Marriott hotel has a Bible and Book of Mormon in the bedside table drawer.

I went to bed that night nervous about the next day, but filled with joy and peace. I made sure I made it to breakfast right at 8. There weren’t that many people there, but those that were already there told me about the assigned seats. I found my name tag, a notebook, and a white journal. I introduced myself to those there already, and we all admitted we were nervous and didn’t know what to expect. Breakfast was delicious. Finally, right before 9, Fred Lam came in. It was amazing to see him. He was a short man, but I knew how powerful he was.

At the beginning of the day, after breakfast, an elite member named Jedi, got up and asked us to write down what was holding us back from being successful in our businesses. He told us to write in great detail and then rip it out of our books. Then he asked us to follow him outside. He had a bowl and asked us to put our papers in the bowl. He set the papers on fire. The ashes flew all around him and us, and then blew away with the wind.

That exercise immediately helped us all calm down, find a way to connect with each other, and have the mindset that we can accomplish anything. Nothing can hold us back if we don’t let it.

That first day was full of tons of hard work, and though we were supposed to be done by 5, most of us didn’t leave until almost 6. We were exhausted and overwhelmed.

I was hungry and decided to get some dinner. I walked all around the huge strip mall behind our hotel, and found a diner. The food was delicious, but I knew I had to get back to work. So much for having relaxing evenings. Oh well.

I won’t tell you about every single detail about every day because I know you don’t care. But, there are a few things I want to share that mean so much to me.

I can’t remember exactly what day it was, but we were asked to write down our “perfect day,” a day that would exist when our businesses are thriving and money is no longer an issue. I surprised myself as I reflected and wrote. My perfect day looked very much like any other day. The difference was that Jad was with us, that we could do what we wished together without worrying about money, and that we could serve others around us, thinking first about their joy, and not about the financial burden. The end of my perfect day was Jad and I planning our family trip to Jordan. It amazed me just how much that means to me, to visit my husband’s homeland and have my children learn and appreciate the culture and history. That was my perfect day – not fancy vacations or going to the spa or shopping all day – it was having a full, joyous day with the people I love most.

Each day we had different motivational moments to help us get into different mindsets and know what is really most important to us. These moments were the smallest moments, but some of the sweetest.

One day, we were shown an image with words starting at the bottom and going up. It read like this:

Light=Reality

Gravity

Thought

Feeling

Acceptance

I Am

“I Am” refers to what I want for myself. The “Acceptance” is knowing this can happen. The “Feeling” part is related directly to the “Thoughts.” If we think back to times where we had joy and prosperity, our thoughts will be positive and will weigh upon us so much that it can become our reality.

This exercise, and others like it, were not religious in nature at all. In fact, most of our visuals and videos were incredibly scientific in nature, but each and every time, I thought of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. With this visual, I thought about the fact that “I am a daughter of God.” As I accept this, I know that with God nothing is impossible for me. When I thought of my most joyous moments, my thoughts went to the day my husband and I were sealed in the temple, and I thought about the day each of my babies were born. I felt the Spirit so strongly so often during my trip.

On another day, we had to write why we really want to be successful in our E-Commerce business. Once we wrote that, we had to keep asking ourselves why the previous statement was important until we drilled down to the heart of our “why.” This exercise was so important to me and to others in the group. As many of us shared, I got teary-eyed. We came from so many different backgrounds and experiences, but our final “whys” were so similar most of the time. We aren’t doing our businesses because of money, cars, or big houses. Most of us deep down want to help others or spend more time with who matters most.

Here are my “whys:”
1. We needed more money. It was my husband’s idea after great research. He prayed about it and felt good about it. I wasn’t on board at first, but because I trusted him, I prayed about it too. I felt good about it as well, so we started. I put so much work into it, I wanted to succeed.
2. The previous statement is important to me because I have faith in answers to prayer and because I love my husband and family. I also do not like to fail.
3. I believe in God and that He loves me and my family and wants us to be happy. I believe I was given talents and skills for a reason.
4. God gives me purpose to my life and I know He has a plan for me.
5. If He has a plan for me, then He will tell me what it is and I will need to follow it.
6. God has already given me answers in my life because of how I have already been blessed and have been able to bless others.
7. I am kind, compassionate, hard-working and service-oriented, and through this endeavor, I can bless more lives through my store, and through the funds we get, we can help the poor and needy by helping them find success and joy in their lives. I want my children to be involved in blessing others so they can be the best they can be.
None of this is about the money. It is about fulfilling my mission on this earth. It is about being like Christ and bearing one another’s burdens.

Jedi, our motivational speaker each day, presented to us a “power move” that he does when he gets an order. He asked us to do his with him, and it felt great. The next day, the last day, he asked us to come up and do ours. I never went up because if I were to do one, it would be very different than what he was looking for. I told a colleague later that night that if I were to do a power move, it would be me looking up and thanking my Heavenly Father for this blessing. I get my power from Him.

This trip did so much for me. I needed it, and God knew that. I was able to:
- Remember good points of my childhood as I passed Kings Dominion, Potomac Mills, and see the temple.
- I was able to have a wonderful time visiting my brother, Aaron, on Saturday. We had dinner, saw The Greatest Showman, and talked. We laughed a ton, and also had many poignant conversations.
- I was able to really miss my family. It made me love them more.
- I had time alone to focus and to reflect on my life. I didn’t do much vegging like I thought I would, but then, that wasn’t what I needed.
- I was able to learn from the best of the best. Fred Lam was very down-to-earth, and so easy to talk to. He answered all my questions, was very encouraging and patient, and celebrated each person’s victories as they happened. I never expected him to call me a “Ninja,” compliment my store and my children, or give me a big hug the last night.
- I saw goodness in myself as I always acknowledged everyone with a “Good morning” and a smile. I talked to and complimented the food staff and other staff as much as I could, always being grateful. I was very aware of that gift in myself, and I am so grateful for it. The smiles from everyone meant so much to me.
- I made new friends and had so many valuable conversations. Sometimes it was just about the job – helping people with their ads, etc. But I also got to encourage others, talk about parenting, memories, and most importantly, Heavenly Father. I had so many opportunities to talk about faith with other people, and I absolutely loved the experience.
- I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost so abundantly when I was gone. I read my scriptures twice a day and prayed more. I am sure that helped me a lot. And when we did meditation exercises, I was just filled with light. It permeated through my body as I thought about my family, my blessings, and about my loving Heavenly Father, and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Saying goodbye to everyone Sunday night before retiring to my room was so hard. I had met some absolutely wonderful people from all around the world, such as Australia, Dubai, Canada, Africa, and more. At my table all week were Scott, Relfe and Ricardo. I had some great heart-to-heart conversations all week with them. I also had some lovely conversations with others (like Julie, Michael, Sanja) about God, about parenting, how to find joy in your life, and more. I feel so incredibly blessed to have met all of these people. Many people came up to me, even those I hadn’t really talked to much, saying how much I inspired them and how my story, enthusiasm, and success bring them hope. It touches my heart so deeply to think that my actions and words could really affect others so much.

Yesterday morning, I got up very early and left the hotel a little after 6AM. The parking lot was very icy and it was incredibly cold outside. It was nerve-wracking to leave in the dark in these conditions. But, I said a heart-felt prayer. For a long time while I was driving in the dark through the huge cities, I kept singing one song over and over. It has always been a favorite, but now it is my absolute favorite and has brought me so much peace. It is called A Child’s Prayer and goes like this:

1. Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child’s prayer?

Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.

Heavenly Father, I remember now, something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

‘Suffer the children to come to me.’ Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee.

2. Pray. He is there. Speak. He is listening.

You are his child. His love now surrounds you.

He hears your prayer. He loves the children.

Of such is the kingdom – the kingdom of Heav’n.

This song may be written for children, but it applies to us all. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is really there. I know he answers my prayers. I truly felt Heaven all around me on my trip. His love filled my heart and soul, and permeated from my body. I felt God’s love for me and for His children. He helped me truly love others that I just met, and helped me have an even greater eternal love for my husband and children.

I think they felt it too, as we had a very sweet am emotional reuniting.

This trip was for business. Its purpose was to help me become more successful in my store. It already has, and will continue to as I apply the new knowledge and resources I have. But, what is more important to me is how it has changed my heart and changed my life for the better. I pray I always remember this experience.
February 6, 2018
A joyful but difficult year

I remember the day I turned 22. It was only a couple months after my divorce was finalized, and a month after I had moved to North Carolina to live with my parents (along with my nearly 1-year-old son, Casey). At that point, I had been attending the LDS Singles Ward (congregation) in Chapel Hill, and had made a handful of friends. Some of them took me for ice cream that night, and I remember saying that I felt old being 22. As ridiculous as that sounds, I think I must have felt old because of all that had happened to me in my life up until that point.

That year was one of the hardest of my life, trying to figure out who I was again, seeing where I fit in and who would accept me, and looking for the path that would lead me out of my current, difficult situation.

I didn’t remember at that time that I was a beloved daughter of God, that He loved me no matter my circumstances, that I should be grateful for my experiences, and that I was indeed blessed. It took me a lot of time not to define myself by things I couldn’t control.

I may have felt old at age 22, but since then, as I have aged, I haven’t concentrated on getting older, but rather, getting wiser.

I am 33 today. Eleven years ago, I would have freaked out about turning this age. Honestly, though, these last 11 years have included some of the most important, difficult, and miraculous experiences of my life: finding an excellent job, dating and getting remarried, quitting the job I loved after having our first child together, having faith that my husband would survive a surgery that would remove a huge mass of his liver, buying our first house, bearing a son early and unexpectedly in the master bathroom at home, taking a leap of faith and taking steps for my husband to completely change careers by going back to school, and finally having our baby girl, though prematurely.

Those are only some of the experiences I will never forget for the rest of my life that have happened in the last 11 years. I can’t express how much each of those experiences means to me. They have each strengthened my faith in Christ, and helped me remember how much God loves me, and how much His hand guides my life, and the lives of my family members.

That being said, though, this past year has also been one of the hardest of my life. First, though, I must express how it has been one of the most joyful at the same time: I had the pleasure of planning for a baby girl to arrive in my home, and I got to deliver her, bond with her in the hospital, and then take her home and enjoy raising her. Eve has brought so much joy to our home, joy that we all truly needed. She has brought a tenderness to my boys that I didn’t realize they had.

Why was year 32 so hard, then? Well, during pregnancy, I gained more weight than I ever have, while trying very hard not to do so. Since having Eve, I have tried to lose weight, and was successful in losing 20 pounds, only to find out I just gained nearly all of it back on vacation. It has been so hard for me to lose my baby weight, and I often feel so gross. My confidence has been low. For a while, I gained some confidence back after finding a clothing line I felt beautiful in. But then, I found myself buying way too much, and that turned into a temporary shopping addiction that I had to work really hard to overcome. Thankfully, I have.

I also haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all this past year, not to mention I have also been busier than I have ever been in my life (hence why I never blog anymore). Having four kids is no joke, especially when you have two boys that fight all the time, and a baby girl, though precious, who wants you to hold her and give her attention all day long.

Being busy and sleepy leads to more eating as a way to cope with stress, doesn’t it? Well, at least it does for me. I think that is why I am having such a hard time getting healthy again.

I have been down quite a bit this year. I have never been one to be depressed. I am usually the type of person who is there cheering other people up and having a positive outlook on life. I can be that person still, but sometimes I find myself saying things I know aren’t true (like, I am the ugliest person on earth, for example) and I sometimes just cry and can’t deal with everything around me. Yes, life is hard right now.

The good thing is, that in moments of peace and clarity, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I will eventually get healthy again, as I always do. I know that as my kids continue to get older, that they will grow out of some very frustrating stages. I know that my husband loves me (even when I irrationally think otherwise), and that he will be there for me through it all. Most of all, I know what I learned years ago, that I am a beloved daughter of God, that He loves me and wants me to have joy.

I pray that age 33 gets a little easier, but if it doesn’t, I know the Lord will help me endure what comes. I also know that through the lessons I learn, I can help others. I try to focus on the positives as much as I can. I have my beautiful family, my husband moving up in his career, loving friends and extended family, a good home and all the necessities of life, and most importantly, the gospel of Jesus Christ.

If any of my friends or family is struggling right now, just know that though I am also struggling, I am here for you. I am always willing to lend an ear, a hand, or an embrace.

Here is to another year. I look forward to what it will bring, good and bad. I know I can do anything with the Lord’s help, as can you.

June 21, 2017