“Love the sinner; hate the sin.” Have you ever heard that before? Of course, you have. Have you ever used it? If you are a Christian, most likely, and maybe even often.
I have heard this statement my whole life. To be honest, it has never sat well with me. I have never really thought about why before, but I recently saw it multiple times in comments on certain religious social media posts, and I decided to finally put my thoughts down.
I think the reason I have never liked it on a surface level is because I dislike the word “hate.” It is not a word that I associate with Jesus, so it isn’t something I have ever felt comfortable saying.
There are many more reasons this statement puts a bad taste in my mouth, and I feel the need to share. Please don’t think that I am judging anyone who says this. I know it isn’t used with ill intent. I just want us all to think about how it comes across, and if it is actually serving anyone.
Let’s break this down into two parts. Here is why I feel “Love the sinner” is troubling:
We are all sinners. Why not just say “love your neighbor,” which is what Christ asked us to do?
The reason number 1 above doesn’t happen is because we only say this statement when talking about certain people committing certain sins. That’s because in our minds we rank certain sins as worse than others, when in reality, we all fall short of perfection.
When we call someone a sinner, we are defining them by their sins. Because of that, we are not thinking of the person as a child of God first, or as one of our brothers and sisters first. We are thinking of the person as a sinner first, and sometimes only as such.
If you are calling someone a sinner, do you really love them? Do you truly feel the love of God for them when you call them that? It would definitely be hard to do so if that’s how you are defining them.
Now onto the second part, “hate the sin:”
When we say the word “hate,” that denotes anger, disdain, resentment, negative judgment, and more. It does not denote anything righteous or loving.
Do we “hate” our own sins or just the sins of others we think sin worse than us? That’s definitely something to ponder.
The definition of what is sin will vary depending upon belief systems, so is it fair to call someone a sinner who doesn’t believe his/her actions are a sin?
When using this statement, it takes away thoughts of anything other than the “what,” or the sin itself. There is no effort to try to understand what led someone to commit the so-called sin. There is no effort to encourage or support someone in changing if they desire to.
And now some thoughts about the whole statement, “Love the sinner; hate the sin.”
It is used as a way to simplify human existence and brush away the need to get to know people on a deeper level.
Nobody’s identity can be fully separated from their sins, for our sins help make us who we are at any given moment. Overcoming sin also helps us be better than we were before.
When we say this statement, we often are justifying doing what we say we aren’t doing: negatively judging others and loving only conditionally.
We are coming across as prideful as we call someone else a sinner but not ourselves.
This teaching is not found in scripture.
The second part gets the focus and disagreement with the sin is the reason we say this in the first place.
I believe that in order to love others the way God loves each of us, we have to stop defining people by their sins. We have to see their divine nature and individual worth. We need to allow each other the gifts God has given all of us: agency, the ability to gain wisdom and knowledge from our experiences, repentance, forgiveness, and redemption.
For all these reasons, and maybe some I haven’t even realized, I will not be using this statement in my life. This doesn’t mean I am perfect at not judging. It also doesn’t mean I condone all actions people take. No, I actually have a very strong moral compass and I also am not always completely merciful and understanding. However, I know I am a sinner just like everyone else. I know I wouldn’t want someone saying this statement when talking about me because it would be hurtful.
I listened to a little reel from Mr. Rogers yesterday and it touched my heart. He used to always say this to the child viewers. The world would be a much better place if we treated others with this sentiment:
I also adore this quote from Mr. Rogers:
I leave us all with the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8:
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
I hope and pray that we can all strive to see each other the way God sees us and that even if we don’t agree with something someone is doing, we can still befriend, love, respect, and show compassion for them. That is what I know Christ would do.
It took me far too long to fall asleep last night. My heart was heavy with many things, but I finally went to sleep, hoping and praying that Asher, our six-month-old, actually slept well.
I found myself being suddenly awakened during the 3:00 hour. I could hear movement in my bathroom. Then a light went on, and something dropped a little too loudly.
I knew it was Eve, my six-year-old daughter. I was barely awake, but I dashed into the bathroom to try to quiet her and find out why she was there. I could hear what I dreaded most too – the baby waking up. Eve told me that she had planned to lay out the soft sleeping pad we have and sleep in our closet the rest of the night. This didn’t surprise me at all, and though this normally was a welcomed action, this time I whispered a little too harshly and told her to go back to her room.
Jad took our baby, Asher, who was indeed awake, so I could go back to sleep. I, of course, didn’t, because I usually can’t when I know the baby is up. Instead, I sat at the edge of the bed on the verge of tears, so, tired and feeling bad about sending Eve away.
A few minutes later, Jad gently placed the baby back in his bassinet. That was the fastest he had ever gone back to sleep. I should have felt relieved at that point- ready to drift back off to dreamland.
But I just lay there. I was thinking about the little girl – my little girl – who I had sent upstairs feeling unloved. I felt prompted to go to her. I hesitated, but only for a moment. I knew what I had to do.
It wasn’t easy to go up the stairs with my sore knee that I had hurt in a fall before church the day before, and then avoid the clutter in the long hallway, but I was nonetheless drawn to Eve’s room.
I knelt by her bed, caressed her cheek, and gave her a kiss. She opened her eyes and tearfully told me she was sorry. I apologized to her, saying I had actually been the one in the wrong.
She explained that she had had a bad dream and that she felt safer being around us, her parents. She knew she wouldn’t have any more bad dreams if she were with us. That melted my heart. I knew all along that was probably why she had come down. We said a prayer together, asking that Heavenly Father give her peace and comfort, and restful sleep until morning.
I told her I would stay with her until she fell back asleep. I tucked her in, stroked her hair, gave her a doll, adjusted her pillow, and just stayed next to her, holding her hand until she drifted back to sleep. At one point she told me she was okay and that I could go, because she knew I was tired, but I felt the desire to stay with my sweet girl until she was again at rest. It didn’t take long.
I felt so much better knowing that I had mended her little broken heart. Sleep did not come easily after that, but I was so grateful when little Asher slept until after 6am. I felt that was a little blessing that came to me from Heaven because I had listened to that spiritual prompting just a few hours before.
As I am writing this, Eve just walked into the office and gave me a hug, thanking me for coming to her last night. Then a little while later, during breakfast, she told her brothers how sweet I was to go to her and help her go back to sleep last night.
Imagine if I hadn’t listened to that prompting?
I decided to write about this experience because I want to remember that the Still Small Voice reached out to me and prompted me to do the right thing by my little girl. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost who helps me right my wrongs and be a better person every day.
I’m also so grateful for my sweet Eve who is so loving, forgiving, and tender-hearted. She has so much love in her heart, and I hope to be as pure in my love as she is.
As a parent, I need to make sure that I am always aware of what my children need from me to feel safe, happy, and thriving. I’m grateful for the lesson I learned early this morning.
My daughter’s favorite show is currently Elena of Avalor. I don’t blame her – it’s funny, has some really interesting characters and stories, has catchy songs, and also teaches some really awesome life lessons. All of my boys even like it.
I was watching an episode with her today, an episode we have already seen, in fact, where Princess Elena and her best friend, Naomi, are busy planning an important festival for the entire kingdom. Then, a cousin of one of their royal staff, a young woman named Rita, shows up and has a keen desire to help with the festival. Things start going wrong all over the place, and Naomi has a sneaky suspicion that Rita is responsible.
When Naomi finally accuses Rita of specific wrongdoings, Rita sweetly denies it, and Princess Elena, rather than agree with her friend, expresses genuine worry about Naomi’s stress levels.
The audience knows that Rita is in fact not who she appears – she is actually an evil young woman named Carla who wants to steal a special crown from the treasury, and has only been pretending to be helpful so she could get to it.
Now, in real life we might have trouble figuring out if “Rita” were genuine or fake, friend or foe. Naomi probably should have gotten proof before attacking Rita’s intentions, and Elena probably should have been more supportive of her friend’s gut instincts.
This episode made me think about judgment. I know people who think that having any constructive opinion or concern about someone is wrong because “you are just being judgmental.”
But judging isn’t necessarily wrong – we have to do it all the time. We have to judge people and situations for our own well-being and safety.
Are we wrong sometimes? Absolutely. I can think of plenty of times I have been wrong, for better or for worse. Here are some examples:
I have blindly trusted someone for years, believing she was a victim of so much familial hatred, and it was only years later that I realized her true colors, that she was the prime source of the hatred, and that her family didn’t actually hate her at all. They just felt they had to keep their distance for their own well-being.
I have misjudged when someone was trying to hurt me, even my friends. Rather than give the benefit of the doubt, I have assumed the worst, letting my irrational hurt feelings cloud my sound logic.
I have taken sides in situations where I know for sure one person has done bad things and I have listened only to the words of the person who was hurt, not realizing that hurt often goes both ways.
I have had bad feelings toward someone, getting very frustrated at their seeming inadequacies, only to get context later that humbled me greatly.
On the other hand, I have judged someone more correctly than I would ever want to, only to be treated horribly for thinking about the safety of my family above all else.
Judgment can hurt whether you are correct or incorrect in your judgments. Does that mean we should never judge anyone and just assume everyone is always a good person who will only do good to you?
No, for that would be misguided. As I have thought over the years, I have learned some tips to help me in making appropriate judgments (something that will be a lifelong struggle for most of us, including myself):
When something doesn’t sound right or feel right, it probably isn’t. Trust your gut and do some investigating to confirm.
Look at a person’s fruits. Words aren’t nearly as powerful as someone’s actions over time (See St. Matthew 7:16-20).
It’s okay to be concerned about a person’s past. Just don’t let it define how you think about them forever. Let their present actions speak for them. People can, and often do change.
If someone you love has deeply hurt you, talk to that person. Don’t wait. Don’t stew. Don’t assume. Talk to that person. If he/she loved you before you got hurt, most likely that love didn’t just disappear into thin air.
When you are caught in the middle of two or more people and are not sure who to trust, talk to all of them. Get all perspectives. Make the best judgment you can and try to be supportive in whatever ways coincide with your values.
Be understanding if someone feels like they need to make constructive judgments about you or someone you care about. If someone is misinformed, please kindly and respectfully inform them, but if that person has valid concerns, respect them, realizing judgments in and of themselves are not bad.
Try not to make judgments based on looks alone, just one interaction, or solely the opinions of others. You should definitely the opinions of others into account, but don’t blindly believe everything you hear either.
When you make a judgment, ask yourself if you are being fair or kind. Do you really have enough information to make a fair judgment? If not, it would be best to postpone judgment.
Always remember that you are not perfect so you can’t expect others to be perfect. By the same token, some actions are far worse than others, and bad enough that precautions must be taken.
Pray for help to know how to handle and judge a particular person or situation when you just aren’t sure what to do.
I love the Savior’s Sermon on the Mount. In St. Matthew Chapter 7, he talks about judging. First, he says to “judge not.” Then he says that we will be judged the way we judge. He goes on to say we should worry about our own imperfections before pointing out everyone else’s. Finally, he said that we will know a person by his fruits, or his deeds.
These are wonderful words of wisdom from our Master, but can be a little confusing, for he seems to at first be saying not to judge at all, but then says how we should judge.
I love a talk that Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave at BYU in 1998. He discusses this very thing, and he makes it clear that final judgments are what are wrong, where we look at one particular part of someone’s life and decide what type of person they are and always will be. That is not up to us – only God can make final judgments. But, it is acceptable to make righteous “intermediate” judgments. Please read his talk linked above. It helps so much!
The most important thing I take from all this it is that we need to remember that Christ atoned for all of us. We all have our moral agency to do wrong, but we also have the moral agency to turn our lives around and do better. That is a gift we all have, and it isn’t our place to determine what someone deserves eternally. And even if we make an intermediate judgment that someone or something isn’t good for our well-being and safety at this time, it’s important to keep our minds and hearts open to the possibility of change later. That’s why we need to continuously pray for what to do, and how to handle people and situations.
I pray that people forgive me when I do wrong and do not judge me on one thing I have done, or the way I was at one time of my life. If that is what I want for myself, then I must do my best to give that same courtesy to others.
Judging is a tricky business, and Satan uses it to bring contention, pain, and hopelessness. I hope we can all try to judge righteously so we can still feel love and hope for others regardless of the intermediate judgments we must make each and every day.
Sometimes we hurt. We have feelings of loneliness, frustration, confusion, embarrassment, defeat, or ostracism, all wrapped up in a bow of harsh judgments.
It is heart-wrenching, and it leads to headaches, depression, and lots of crying.
Sometimes the tears are from those who have been wronged, and sometimes the tears are from those who were judged harshly of doing wrong when they meant no harm.
I have found more and more that Satan doesn’t just prey on us, tempting us to sin. No, quite often, he feeds on our emotional weaknesses, tempting us to be overly offended, unforgiving, critical, and on the other side, so downtrodden and defeated that we can’t shine our light anymore.
The latter strategy of Satan is growing in intensity, and it is so sly and brilliant of him, seeing as how the two greatest commandments are about love – loving God, and loving each other, including ourselves:
Mark 12:30-31: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.
Without love, there cannot be peace. Christ is the Prince of Peace. Satan wants to destroy our peace, and he is doing a good job of it, isn’t he?
This song is all about loving and serving our fellow brothers and sisters, and thus loving, following and serving our Lord.
This song always brings the Spirit into my heart. It is Truth. This is how we need to be to be like Him.
There is a reason why the Lord loves the little children so much, why He taught us to be like them. It is because they love unconditionally. That love doesn’t change when you make a mistake or when you hurt their feelings. That love is strong and constant, and they are always discerning of how you feel, wanting to make you feel better. They hug and kiss with such tenderness that you are certain that they love you – you never have to second guess. They also want to make things right when they hurt you – they don’t blame you for their wrongdoings. They genuinely want you to be pleased with them, and so they apologize and try to be better.
We all need to be like that. It is really hard, though, because our natural selves want to be right, want justice, want others to be hurt the way we have been hurt, and don’t like apologizing or finding out truth beyond our own perspectives.
I know this can be overcome. This is the best way to become like Christ. This is how we attain true charity for one another.
I have a long way to go to reach this too. I certainly am not perfect. But, I do try very hard to forgive and not hold grudges, even when it would be so easy and seemingly justified to do so. For me, the way to get through these hurts has always been to try to see them as God sees them, and as they could be, not what a snapshot of their life has shown me.
Back to me not being perfect. It has come to my attention that recently I offended some people by something I said in church. It breaks my heart to know that, and I am genuinely and deeply sorry. I can say with full sincerity that no offense or criticism was meant. It was just me following advice that though it worked well for some audiences, apparently did not work well for the one I was in. It was an ignorant misjudgment, but there was no ill intent. Again, I am sorry, and I would be more than happy to discuss it with anyone who was offended. I can promise you that your perceptions of that one moment are not who I am. I would give anything to take that moment back, but since I can’t, I want to make it right going forward. Please allow me that second chance. I would be so grateful to you.
There are always two or more sides to a story, and the side of the person deemed as the offender often goes overlooked. Talking directly to the person who hurt you can help so much. The worst that can happen is that that person doesn’t apologize or take responsibility, but the best that can happen is that wounds can be healed and friendships mended and strengthened. Since most of us are trying to live good lives and be good people, my hope would be that the best would happen more often than the worst.
I have so much love in my heart for God and for my fellow brothers and sisters. I am a very tender-hearted person though, so my hurts run very deep, sending me sometimes into a depression. It takes me time to process and heal, and realize that I can rise above and be the person God knows I am. I am not my mistakes, whether they are intentional or unintentional. I am not unloved, though I may feel that way. Even if nobody else in the whole world loved me, my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ always will. The Holy Spirit loves me too – He is the one who brings that beautiful reminder to my heart.
If you are like me and are feeling hurt, for whatever reason, I know that love is the answer. Love can be found in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Satan wants to win – he wants to steal your joy. Don’t let him. And don’t let him tell you that others are unworthy of your love either – everybody on this earth is worthy of love, even the most difficult and unkind people of all.
My heart reaches out in love and pleading to any I have hurt. Please forgive me. I love you and I know God loves you. I know that we can make it through and find goodness in each other.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive. Let us truly be our brother’s and sister’s keeper. It will change our lives and the world.
My beloved Eve, you are one year old today. Mommy and Daddy couldn’t love you more. You have brought so much sunshine to our lives. You are our Sweetheart, our Princess.
Many parents call their daughters Princess. I actually vowed I would never call you that because it was so cliché and 2-dimensional. But then, as the months passed and I couldn’t come up with a name that suited you, you became Princess anyway.
It isn’t because I want you to have a beautiful voice like Ariel, or a gorgeous face like Aurora.
It isn’t because I want you to be artistic like Rapunzel or a master of the bow like Merida.
It isn’t because I want you to have magical adventures like Jasmine or find your handsome prince like Snow White.
No, this is not why I call you Princess.
Ariel was full of wonder and saw the beauty in everything.
Aurora was sweet and innocent.
Rapunzel was trusting and found joy in the journey.
Merida was completely comfortable with who she was.
Jasmine was forgiving to one who had deceived her.
Snow White was cheerful and had a strong connection with animals.
Anna had faith in her sister and didn’t give up on her.
Kiara saw the good in all lions, and wanted to unite them.
These are all wonderful qualities, but it isn’t why I call you Princess.
None of these princesses had perfect lives – they all had difficult trials to endure.
Ariel had her sea witch, and Aurora a cursed spinning wheel.
Rapunzel had a kidnapper who posed as her mother, and Merida a mother who she turned into a bear.
Jasmine nearly had to marry a wicked man, and Snow White was nearly killed by a poisoned apple.
Anna lost her parents, and almost lost her sister, and Kiara felt alone and untrusted by her father.
They all made it through their trials stronger and happier than before, but that isn’t why I call you Princess.
Most of these young princesses also had flaws, as we all do.
Ariel lacked common sense and sought help from a sea witch, and Aurora trusted and fell in love with a stranger.
Rapunzel was indecisive about being disobedient, and Merida was hot-headed enough to change her mother.
Jasmine was rude to anyone who she didn’t agree with, and Snow White was naïve and unaware.
Anna made a huge error in judgment, and Kiara snuck around.
We can learn from these princesses’ flaws, as they did, but that isn’t why I call you Princess.
Do you know why I call you princess?
It is because you are one. YOU are the daughter of a King, a Heavenly King.
His name is Heavenly Father. He is your father and mine, and the father of us all.
He knows you by name, and He loves you more than you could ever imagine.
He sent you to earth and to our family so that you can grow, learn, and choose to follow Him.
He will watch over you and send angels (earthly and heavenly) to assist you in your earthly journey.
I want you to always remember who you are. Being our daughter is something we hope you are always proud of, but more than that, we want you to truly feel that you are a spiritual young lady who has unlimited divine potential.
Your Heavenly Father has given you spiritual gifts that you can use to bless the lives of those around you. Even at your young age, we recognize some of them:
You are someone who makes people smile. Never stop doing that.
You love to share your food. Keep on sharing your abundance.
You are independent and try to be self-reliant. If you can help yourself, you can better help others.
You are funny, always making people laugh – this will help lighten heavy hearts over and over again.
You love yourself. If you can love yourself, you can love others even better.
Using these gifts, and more, with a loving heart, will bring you much happiness now and in the life to come.
My sweet daughter, Eve. You are named after our first mother. She was the first of God’s spirit daughters to come to this earth. She was the first princess. Follow her example of keeping the commandments. Just as she was chosen to live in the beginning, you have been chosen to live on earth at this time in this place for a reason.
We knew that you would be a very special little girl, and we were right. We know you have a divine mission to fulfill on this earth. Embrace it and know that your earthly and Heavenly parents will be with you through it all.
Those of you who know me well know that I love people. I want to be friends with everyone I meet, and I do care what people think of me. I try to be honest, kind and service-oriented. If you need anything, I will do my very best to help, and if I can’t, I feel bad about it and want to make it up to you. I am not perfect, but if I do something wrong, I will apologize. The idea of someone thinking badly of me breaks my heart.
I have many faults, but this is one area where I have strength.
There have been a couple instances in my life where I have lost a friend. One I still don’t know why. I miss her and wish we could be friends again. I have reached out to her multiple times over the years without any type of explanation. It saddens me.
In the other instance, I chose to end the friendship, at least temporarily. This person and I have been friends and have had great experiences together since we met several years ago. She said and did hurtful things multiple times in those years, but I always forgave her and moved on. However, a few months ago, she laid heavy accusations and unkind words at the feet of someone I love very much. This person was confused and upset by these accusations, and did not deserve them in any way.
Due to this, I had to choose between one loved one and the other. I chose the one who was blameless, but said that if my friend would apologize and make things right, I would happily be her friend again.
Unfortunately, since that time several months ago, this good friend of mine has said very unkind things about me on Facebook and to others. She has also contacted my husband many times with passive aggressive comments about me and my family.
Most recently, she said that she forgave my loved one for what she did wrong. Perhaps this made me the most upset of all, as the whole reason why we stopped being friends is because she accused my loved one of doing something she absolutely did not do, and called her horrible names.
I have tried very hard to forgive this person, and honestly, I want nothing more than to be her friend again. I love her, and I do think back to the wonderful interactions we have had, and the service we have rendered to one another. But, I can’t bring myself to be a friend with someone who thinks I am a hypocrite, talks about me behind my back, and continues to believe something about my loved one that isn’t true.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, perhaps one of you have felt down-trodden due to something similar, where someone you care about has betrayed your friendship or trust, where someone puts hear-say or pride above truth and love.
I feel for you. It is a horrible feeling. It is especially difficult when you cannot avoid that person’s presence.
This whole situation eats at me, and I really want to make it right. Sometimes you can’t, though. When someone has made up her mind about you irrationally, what can you really do to change it?
What I have to do is remember that the names I am called do not describe or define me. My conscience is clear and my intent true. I must defend what I know is right, and the ones I love.
The Lord has commanded us to always forgive, and I will continue to forgive. This does not require me, however, to rebuild a relationship that will only cause harm to me.
I felt that I must get this off my chest, and if any of my readers and friends needs to talk to someone about something similar, please feel free to contact me. I will do my best to listen and to reach out with love and encouragement.
I do feel it is important for me not to condemn and judge this person with finality. I am still open to being her friend again, as I know that change can happen for anyone through the atonement of Christ. My door is always open if one chooses to knock gently.
Each of us is a child of God and is of infinite value to Him. We all need friends and we all need love. We must choose our friends wisely, and for those who hurt us, may we pray for them and wish them understanding, comfort, and a softened heart.
To this friend, I say that I love you, and have never stopped. I am frustrated and hurt, but that can change if you wish it to.
May I state the obvious? I am not black. Quite the opposite. I am white, but may I state something that isn’t quite so obvious? That isn’t stopping me from being in tears after reading about Alton Sterling and Philando Castile – two black men with loving families, who were brutally killed by police officers this week.
Alton Sterling
Philando Castile
You may expect me as a white woman to say that maybe there is something we don’t know; maybe the police were justified; or let’s stop generalizing cop on black behavior. No, I am not going to say any of those things.
You may expect me to turn my back, or say let’s stop focusing on this because #AllLivesMatter. No, I am not going to do that either.
Rather, I am going to mourn for these men and their families. I am going to mourn with all the black men and women in this country who feel scared, inferior, angry, persecuted, and fed up.
Good people all around us are posing the question: #WhatDoWeDo?
Have you ever seen a movie or read a story where a force of evil desires to take over the world, and through his cunning devices becomes stronger and stronger until it seems all hope is lost? Well, how is he defeated? It is by good people joining together with courage and a higher purpose. It is when they realize the impact they can have together, and stop fearing the evil force, that they can defeat him.
These movies and stories, though perhaps fantasy, are filled with so much truth. For those of us who are God-fearing, the force of evil we all know is Satan. He is the real enemy, and he is the one behind all the horrible crimes of this earth, including brutal, senseless murder. He works in mysterious ways, sometimes by making evil look good, telling us that it’s not that bad, or nobody really cares, or do what makes you feel good, or that is the way it is supposed to be.
William Shakespeare
He also preys on our weaknesses – perhaps hot tempers, racist upbringing, or pride – and then leads us down the path to destruction if we let him.
Are we letting him? I can tell you one thing for certain – it is only the unconditional love of God and our fellow man that will defeat him. Are we doing that?
Reactions to these recent killings have been all over the map, from despair to threats of violent uprisings. Which reactions, and actions, will bring God’s influence? Which show sincere love?
Though our natural inclinations may lead us to argue, separate ourselves because of stereotypes and generalizations, speak hateful words to and about individuals or groups of people, use foul language, or even curse God, there is truly a better way.
Instead of…
blaming the victims, pray for their families and friends.
minimizing what has happened by making generalizations or quoting statistics, see these people as real people. See and feel the tragedy of the moment.
pushing people away from your race who you think don’t understand you, join hands as brothers and sisters, and friends, in the fight for right.
pointing fingers at government, communities, guns, or anything else, seek for understanding so you can help change perspectives and find real answers.
demanding a tooth for a tooth, pray for the strength to forgive, as God forgives.
shaking your head at those who want to show that #BlackLivesMatter, remember that it could be you in another facet. If your race, religion, culture, gender or creed were under attack, wouldn’t you want to say that your identity mattered?
protesting with hateful words, raging fire in your hearts, and thoughts of anything goes, stand up for your beliefs with knowledge, respect, and tenderness.
making violence your first resort, make it your last.
focusing on differences, thus causing divisions, focus on similarities. We are all members of the human race, and are all children of God. That is what matters most.
Pray for discernment, my friends. No matter how you fit into these tragedies, and so many others of same or different origin, you must have discernment to know the good from the evil, the right from the wrong, the light from the dark, and the truth from the lies.
I am not sure that we can directly stop senseless violence from happening, from police violence to terrorist attacks, but the more soft, loving, kind, courageous, peaceful hearts there are in this world, the less power Satan will have over our brothers and sisters, and us. When we shine as a light, that light touches others. They can feel the warmth, and see the light. They can feel God’s love for them, and for those around them.
We must share our light – share the love of Christ, and then, we can truly make a difference.
Update: My heart is aching even more after finding out last night that five Dallas officers were killed during a protest regarding the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile. This violence and hatred is the opposite of everything that we must do to make a change. Some of my friends are focusing on the tragic deaths of these officers, and others are focusing on the deaths of Sterling and Castile. In my opinion, to really make a change, we must unite as brothers and sisters. We must see the devastation of all tragedies, and mourn for all. This will be the only way to prove we value all life and wish for peace.
Compliments are meant to lift us up and make us feel good inside. But does criticism also have a place in our lives?
Whether we realize it or not, people are constantly saying negative things about us, either to us or behind our backs. My son had a bad experience last week at recess when a boy was picking on him. He was getting in his face and telling him what an awful basketball player he was. He was mean and condescending. It hurt Casey’s feelings. When he told me about it, he said he knew what the boy said wasn’t true, but I heard a tinge of doubt in his voice.
So, how do we know if a disapproving comment made to us about our skills, talents, character, etc., is true? How do we know if we should take it to heart, or change, or give up?
I think the easiest way to know is to follow the “WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY HOW” method. I exclude small children from this method because pretty much anything they say is done without a filter, and the good, bad, even the ugly, is usually true, much to our embarrassment and dismay. (You know you are thinking of a time and nodding.)
WHO is the one making the comments about you? Is it someone who knows you well, someone who cares about you, someone who you trust, or is it someone who generally doesn’t speak to you or get along with you?
Now, sometimes the WHO is tricky, because even the people who are supposed to love and care about us the most can say things that aren’t true.
Another important thing to consider is WHO else has said these things about you? Was it just this person, or are there others? Has anyone told you the opposite, and do you trust that person? In my son’s basketball situation, two of his close friends comforted Casey by saying that they thought his basketball playing had readily improved over the year, and that he does a great job.
WHAT is the person saying? Is the person using words like always and never? Is he using words that belittle or uplift? Is he saying things that you already know or suspect are true, or things you have never thought about before?
The WHAT is also tricky, because when under extreme stress, sadness, etc., sometimes even the kindest people say hurtful things. Additionally, sometimes we are unaware of our own downfalls, weaknesses, and bad habits. Let’s keep thinking.
WHEN is the person talking to you? Is it during a fight, or is it when you are speaking calmly to each other? Knowing the WHEN can help you determine if what the person said was rational, or just based on heightened emotions.
Also, think about how many times a person has said the same thing to you. Oftentimes, especially if someone we love says something multiple times in different occasions, there is truth to it. In those cases, even though the first couple times the person said it, he may have said it calmly, don’t be surprised if that calm becomes irritation or anger.
WHERE are you when the person says these comments? Are you in public where everyone can hear, or are you in private where discretion is appropriate? Sincere compliments are often quite appropriate to be said in public settings, but criticism is normally best said in private. So, thinking of the WHERE can help you determine if the person is trying to help you or hurt you.
HOW is the person making these comments? Is he angry and irrational, or is he trying to be objective and helpful? Is he in your face and yelling, or is he calm and focused? Is he engaged in the conversation, giving you eye contact? How is his inflection? Is he frowning, smiling, scowling, laughing?
Someone who really wants to help you will act a certain way. I think you can guess how.
WHY is perhaps the hardest of all, because that is something we often have to figure out on our own, based on past interactions with a person, and based on the other questions we just discussed.
Since there are some cases when criticism is positive, and necessary for personal growth, then there must be people who offer it with the best intentions. I believe that the people who truly love us want to help us be the best we can be. So, in appropriate moments, they may gently mention opportunities for improvement.
On the other hand, someone who doesn’t care about your best interests doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings or if what he is saying is even true.
He may be saying those things because he is envious of you, because he has been treated similarly by others, because he is insecure or unhappy in his own skin, or maybe even because he has a mental illness and cannot control all he says.
I went through a time in my life when the person who was supposed to love me the most, treated me the worst. I was often called worthless and unimportant. Was it true? To him, perhaps. To me? Well, it ate at me, and even though in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t true, I couldn’t believe that someone who loved me would talk to me that way. There must have been a WHY. For this person, I believe part of it was self-inflicted shame because of harmful choices he was making and hiding from me.
I think the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE AND HOW are what help us know if what someone is saying is worth holding onto, but the WHY helps us understand, and hopefully have compassion on that person – enough compassion to forgive and move forward.
Doesn’t all this seem obvious? Yet, it isn’t. I have spoken to so many people damaged, seemingly beyond repair, because of hateful, often repeated, attacks to their character, talents, education, relationships and lifestyle. Even when they know that something shouldn’t be true, hearing it makes them doubt themselves, and fear that it could be.
If you are one of these people, know that you are doing better than you think you are, and certainly better than those who verbally abuse you.
Every person on this earth is a beloved child of God. We all have that going for us, and Christ atoned for us all. Nobody is better than anybody else. Pride is a big cause of verbal mistreatment.
Let us all try to be humble, and see our own weaknesses clearly before we point out others’. And if we do point out others’ faults, let us do it appropriately, in love and gentleness, with a true desire to bless the lives of others.
I wrote this article for a new website, mum.info. Before I submitted it, I had Casey read it. He said it was beautiful, and he started to cry. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he wasn’t sad, but that he had felt the Spirit. He said reading my words helped him remember the importance of family. He kept repeating over and over that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever read. His reaction penetrated my heart, and I never want to forget it.
“Mommy, why is my last name different than yours? I want your last name!” My son, Casey, was only four when his little voice trembled out those piercing words. He and I had shared the same last name his whole life. It had just been me and him since before he was one year old. I had recently remarried, so my last name was different. And now, I was going to have a baby who would have my new last name. I wanted to cry with Casey, simply because he was sad.
That was six years ago, and I have done all I can to make sure he has no reason to cry over his last name again by:
Encouraging Him to Cherish His Last Name
That was the first step – helping him see that his last name was wonderful. No, it wasn’t my last name, but with a name holds a legacy going back generations. By holding onto his last name, he would be showing pride in his rich heritage, and extending love and appreciation for not only his father, but his father’s extended family.
Showing Him Love Daily
I think it hurt Casey a little when I got remarried. It was no longer just us. Then, when I had more children, he was no longer the only child. There are five of us in our household, and he has a different name than the rest of us. But, as I share my love, attention, and devotion to him daily, having a different name will never make him feel less cherished or important.
Not Asking Him to Pick Sides
It isn’t me against his dad. It never has been. I don’t tell my son that he can’t love, respect, or have a relationship with his father. I don’t tell him that I am a better parent, or place any blame or bitterness in his father’s direction. I do not judge his dad, or speak ill of him to my child. We rather pray for him and his family. I always keep the mind-set that his father is on the same team as me, my husband, and all other family members working to help Casey have a happy life and be a good boy.
Letting Him Spend Time with His Dad
Casey’s father lives far away, so he can’t see him often. However, I encourage regular phone conversations. He also flies to see his dad and extended family each year for several weeks. I have had people tell me that I shouldn’t have to do that because of the circumstances surrounding our divorce, but I feel very strongly that regardless of what happened in our marriage, Casey’s dad will always be Casey’s dad. They should have a relationship, and a strong one at that.
Being Honest about the Divorce
I did not do this when he was four, but about a year ago, I told my son why his father and I divorced. I didn’t water it down, but I also didn’t place blame or judgment. I encouraged my son to continue to have a strong, loving relationship with his dad. I told him to forgive him, pray for him, and encourage him to change his life for the better. I told him I am not sad about the divorce anymore. Though I wish that Casey could always be near me and his dad, I know we are blessed and things have worked out well for us.
Blending Our Family in Love
My husband of over five years is so wonderful to Casey. He always has been, and I knew he would be a wonderful father to him the first time they met. Casey doesn’t refer to him as his stepdad, but as his Daddy. He has two dads, and that is cool. He also thinks of his half-brothers as his brothers. That’s what they are to him. We are a family, and we love each other. There is no need to create those lines of division.
These artificial lines of division apply to me too. When I was first divorced, I thought it would be strange to continue having a relationship with my ex-husband’s extended family. I was uncomfortable by the phone calls and gifts at first, but finally I realized that they hadn’t abandoned me, and there was no rule that they had to. The fact that I wasn’t married to their family member anymore, didn’t all of a sudden erase the bond and love we had with each other. I still speak on the phone with my ex-husband often, and keep in contact with much of his extended family on social media and occasional emails and phone calls. It is a good thing, and it helps.
It is safe to say that my 10-year-old has a very happy life. He has three family trees to call his own. He is loved and cherished by all of them. He knows that there is so much more to family than a name. He knows all families look different, but as long as we are there for each other, we can always feel that we belong and that we are safe.
*I fully recognize this model may not work in its entirety for everyone. I strongly believe, though, that doing as much of this as possible will help your child feel that he belongs, and that life in any family situation can be grand.
I wrote this article for Family Share. It feels good to know I can help others through sharing my experiences and lessons learned during difficult times of my life:
It is hard to know when you should date after a divorce. I was 21 years old and a recent college graduate, trying to raise my baby boy. I had just moved across the country to a place I had never been. For me, whether I was ready or not, the first thing I wanted to do was date.
Everyone who divorces has a different story, but most of us share feelings of failure, fear and desperation. We are trying to fill the void in our hearts caused by losing our spouse. While change is difficult, dating when you aren’t ready can make things even more challenging.
I wish I had known then what I realize now about dating after a divorce. I know that I would have avoided tears, frustration, and a few heartbreaks. There is not a cookie cutter rule on when you should start dating again. The goal is for you to have healthy and happy dating relationships, but no one but you can say when that will be. However, you can get an idea of where you stand by answering “yes” to these eight questions:
1. Do I live each day without wallowing in self-pity?
If you spend most of your time weeping about all that has happened to you and can’t imagine moving on, you are not ready to date again. Divorce is horrible, I know. And it is okay to cry sometimes. But if you can’t see hope, dating will not help you find it.
2. Have I moved on from my ex?
If you are still in love with your ex, you will probably compare everyone you date to him or her. It will be impossible to find anyone who is good for you if you are only dating to compare. Stop measuring every date against your former spouse and treat dating as a fresh start.
If you aren’t over your ex, you may also find yourself mentioning your ex one too many times which will push your date away. Take the time to be over your ex before you start dating again.
3. Am I ready to talk about my past?
When you are dating, at some point you will need to talk about your past. I remember when I was newly divorced, I was scared to death to tell any young man about it. I especially didn’t want to tell my date that I also had a baby boy. I was afraid that no man would accept me because of my past. Sometimes I would hide it until it became impossible to continue dodging questions.
I realized that I needed to be ready to talk about my past. By the time I met my second husband, I was at a point where I could talk about my past almost right away. It went smoothly, and I didn’t regret it.
4. Am I happy where I am now?
In my early divorced days, I thought I couldn’t be happy unless I was remarried. Especially as a single mother, I wanted my life to be a certain way. I was engulfed with an urgency to date and get married. I am sure I came off as desperate.
Because I was so focused on wanting a life as a married woman, I missed out on some true friendships. I missed out on having fun and truly appreciating the joys and blessings that I still had in my life. Although this isn’t what you thought your life would be like, you can learn to be happy in your situation.
5. Do I love myself?
If you don’t love yourself, dating again can be a nightmare. You will feel like you have to keep secrets to maintain a perfect and unrealistic image of yourself. No matter how you hide it, low self-esteem shows and it isn’t attractive. Take time to learn to love yourself. If you have self-confidence and know your inner-worth, you will be able to talk honestly, listen better, and smile radiantly. If you love yourself, you will still have your self-worth even if a new relationship doesn’t work out.
6. Do I know what I want in a relationship?
Perhaps you were in a relationship where your spouse was selfish, or even abusive. Have you figured out what kinds of behaviors you want to avoid, and which qualities you want? Do you know what you really need to have a relationship that will last forever? It is a good thing to be picky if you are looking for life-long happiness, rather than another divorce.
7. Have I forgiven my ex?
It can take a long time to forgive your ex, especially if you felt that he or she was the main cause of your pain. I can testify of the great peace that comes from forgiveness, and how necessary it is. To find the right person for you, forgiveness must be a part of your process.
8. Would I want to date or be married to someone like me?
Though it would be nice if divorces were always your spouse’s fault, most of the time both people share some of the responsibility. Are you in a place where you would be a loving, caring, and devoted spouse? Or would another relationship only end in more heartache? If you aren’t as good as the person you want for yourself, it is time to improve.
Being divorced does not make you less of a human, or less worthy of love. I found a wonderful man who loves me, and cherishes our growing family. There is hope for all who have had the misfortune of divorce. Don’t rush the process. Take the time to heal. You will have your chance at love once again. It is worth it to be patient to find someone who will be with you forever.
