I remember the day I turned 22. It was only a couple months after my divorce was finalized, and a month after I had moved to North Carolina to live with my parents (along with my nearly 1-year-old son, Casey). At that point, I had been attending the LDS Singles Ward (congregation) in Chapel Hill, and had made a handful of friends. Some of them took me for ice cream that night, and I remember saying that I felt old being 22. As ridiculous as that sounds, I think I must have felt old because of all that had happened to me in my life up until that point.
That year was one of the hardest of my life, trying to figure out who I was again, seeing where I fit in and who would accept me, and looking for the path that would lead me out of my current, difficult situation.
I didn’t remember at that time that I was a beloved daughter of God, that He loved me no matter my circumstances, that I should be grateful for my experiences, and that I was indeed blessed. It took me a lot of time not to define myself by things I couldn’t control.
I may have felt old at age 22, but since then, as I have aged, I haven’t concentrated on getting older, but rather, getting wiser.
I am 33 today. Eleven years ago, I would have freaked out about turning this age. Honestly, though, these last 11 years have included some of the most important, difficult, and miraculous experiences of my life: finding an excellent job, dating and getting remarried, quitting the job I loved after having our first child together, having faith that my husband would survive a surgery that would remove a huge mass of his liver, buying our first house, bearing a son early and unexpectedly in the master bathroom at home, taking a leap of faith and taking steps for my husband to completely change careers by going back to school, and finally having our baby girl, though prematurely.
Those are only some of the experiences I will never forget for the rest of my life that have happened in the last 11 years. I can’t express how much each of those experiences means to me. They have each strengthened my faith in Christ, and helped me remember how much God loves me, and how much His hand guides my life, and the lives of my family members.
That being said, though, this past year has also been one of the hardest of my life. First, though, I must express how it has been one of the most joyful at the same time: I had the pleasure of planning for a baby girl to arrive in my home, and I got to deliver her, bond with her in the hospital, and then take her home and enjoy raising her. Eve has brought so much joy to our home, joy that we all truly needed. She has brought a tenderness to my boys that I didn’t realize they had.
Why was year 32 so hard, then? Well, during pregnancy, I gained more weight than I ever have, while trying very hard not to do so. Since having Eve, I have tried to lose weight, and was successful in losing 20 pounds, only to find out I just gained nearly all of it back on vacation. It has been so hard for me to lose my baby weight, and I often feel so gross. My confidence has been low. For a while, I gained some confidence back after finding a clothing line I felt beautiful in. But then, I found myself buying way too much, and that turned into a temporary shopping addiction that I had to work really hard to overcome. Thankfully, I have.
I also haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all this past year, not to mention I have also been busier than I have ever been in my life (hence why I never blog anymore). Having four kids is no joke, especially when you have two boys that fight all the time, and a baby girl, though precious, who wants you to hold her and give her attention all day long.
Being busy and sleepy leads to more eating as a way to cope with stress, doesn’t it? Well, at least it does for me. I think that is why I am having such a hard time getting healthy again.
I have been down quite a bit this year. I have never been one to be depressed. I am usually the type of person who is there cheering other people up and having a positive outlook on life. I can be that person still, but sometimes I find myself saying things I know aren’t true (like, I am the ugliest person on earth, for example) and I sometimes just cry and can’t deal with everything around me. Yes, life is hard right now.
The good thing is, that in moments of peace and clarity, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I will eventually get healthy again, as I always do. I know that as my kids continue to get older, that they will grow out of some very frustrating stages. I know that my husband loves me (even when I irrationally think otherwise), and that he will be there for me through it all. Most of all, I know what I learned years ago, that I am a beloved daughter of God, that He loves me and wants me to have joy.
I pray that age 33 gets a little easier, but if it doesn’t, I know the Lord will help me endure what comes. I also know that through the lessons I learn, I can help others. I try to focus on the positives as much as I can. I have my beautiful family, my husband moving up in his career, loving friends and extended family, a good home and all the necessities of life, and most importantly, the gospel of Jesus Christ.
If any of my friends or family is struggling right now, just know that though I am also struggling, I am here for you. I am always willing to lend an ear, a hand, or an embrace.
Here is to another year. I look forward to what it will bring, good and bad. I know I can do anything with the Lord’s help, as can you.
So, most of you know I have four kids now: Casey (almost 12), Rigel (6), Kamren (almost 4), and Eve (nearly 5 months).
When people see me with all of my kids, or when people talk to Jad and find out he has four kids, the question inevitably arises, “Are you done having kids?”
Sometimes the tone sounds more like, “You are done having kids, right??” Other people will just smile and say, “Well, you have your girl now, so you can be done!”
To me, this “Are you done” question is one of the hardest questions I have been asked, and continue to get asked. There is something so final if you say “Yes,” isn’t there?
I find myself debating back and forth sometimes. For those of you who have been asked similar questions, here might be some of the arguments people give you for each stance:
Be DoneDon’t BeDone
You are getting older.
Think of your past health and labor issues.
Can you even handle all the kids you have?
Kids are expensive.
Don’t you want to lose weight and stay thin?
Pregnancy is so hard on the body.
You will be really old when your last kid goes off to college.
Notice how the Not Done list is blank? That’s because people don’t usually encourage you to have more when you already have four, or a perceived other large number of kids.
Has anyone else had this experience? I mean, the reasons to be done are quite logical. The problem is, the feeling of whether or not you are done having kids isn’t necessarily logical. So, what should we do? Follow our brains or our hearts?
For me, it isn’t as much about what my brain tells me, as it is about what I feel. My husband and I feel the same way.
So, when people ask us, “Are you done?” we just say “We don’t know yet.” Really? Oh…
I wish I could say that I have had a strong feeling one way or another about it. I haven’t, and neither has my husband. We may at some point in the next couple years, but we are leaving our options open.
Would I like to be able to get past that baby phase of life? In some ways, yes. In others, no way. It would be nice to not have to change diapers anymore, and be able to have consistent sleep. It would also be nice to get rid of all the baby stuff and have all my kids in school.
But, then the other side of me is worried that this will be the last opportunity I will have to see what a new baby of ours looks like, to hold that baby in my arms for the first time, to snuggle and sing to that baby, and to teach him/her everything I know.
That is why I am leaving it up to the Lord. I have always done that. I felt very strongly, after being married to my first husband for nine months, that it was time to have a baby. I thank the Lord I listened to that prompting, else my first born had never been born. Rigel was meant to be with us, as we got pregnant with him so quickly after marriage. With Kamren, we both felt it was time to have another baby. And with Eve, I knew before Jad, and once he knew, it took nine months to get pregnant with her. In each situation of conception, it was clear what God’s will was. It was also clear in each and every delivery, that God was with us all along the way.
It is up to you, your spouse, and the Lord as to how many children you will have and when. If you have a large family, and feel pressured to stop having kids, don’t let it bother you. Perhaps that advice with help you, but if you aren’t feeling it, that is fine. Just be patient and wait on the Lord’s promptings.
I certainly have had days where I feel I couldn’t feel any more joy than I feel right now with my beautiful, precious, Eve. She is truly the sunshine of my life. Then, there are other days when my husband asks me what another child of ours would look like, and I feel that wonder arise within me.
We are taking it one day at a time. We don’t owe anybody an answer right now, and neither do you, if that is your situation. Only you and your spouse and the Lord know what is best for your family. I pray that my husband and I, and your spouse and you, make the decisions that will be most in line with God’s will, always.
I seem to always be in a hurry. Yesterday, I had my husband’s car, so it wasn’t nearly as easy to get the baby and my three-year-old into the car. I finally got them, and myself, strapped in exactly ten minutes before we had to be at Kamren’s speech class. That’s okay – that’s perfect, I thought.
Then, I started the car. A message mocked me: Fuel levels low. Yep, the gas gauge was on empty.
Great, I sarcastically thought. A negative thought instantly popped into my head about how irresponsible and inconsiderate my husband was for leaving me with a car that had no gas.
And then, just as quickly as that thought entered my mind – along with the idea of calling him and loudly complaining about it – the thought left. It just…left. That rarely happens, I am ashamed to say, as I am often quick to judgment.
I surprised myself as I thought of my husband’s perspective. I knew that he wouldn’t have purposely done that. I realized he probably just didn’t have time to get gas the day before, or he decided not to do it so he could be home quicker to see his beloved family.
I thought of how thoughtful he was to take my van to get tested (since the engine light had been on for a few days). I remembered how he had taken the car seats out of the van and left them for me, and how he had pulled the car into the driveway that morning because it had been raining.
And then I thought about myself, and how I should have been more diligent about getting ready on time, rather than cutting it so close. Then I wouldn’t have a need to feel frustrated at all, because I would have had time to get gas and still get to speech class on time.
My husband is my partner; he is on my team. As I embraced that comforting thought, instead of calling him out for not getting gas, and thus causing a fight, I gave him my gratitude when he got home. I praised him for getting the van tested and ordering the part that it needed.
This is such a simple, seemingly insignificant story, yet, how often to the little things cause huge rifts in marriages?
My husband and I have had many arguments over the years that stemmed from petty things. But, I want to end that. I don’t want to do that anymore.
I have a lot to learn, but I am going to do my best (and keep trying over and over again) to have the best marriage possible.
So, if you find yourself in a similar situation that I was in yesterday, ask yourself these questions:
What was likely my spouse’s intention?
Does my spouse love me and care for me? Would he/she do this on purpose?
What does my spouse’s load look like right now?
Have my actions played a role in my plight?
What things can I be grateful for that my spouse does for me?
As you reflect, you will hopefully feel more love, appreciation, and patience for your spouse.
And don’t beat yourself up, either. I didn’t dwell on how I couldn’t get out the door faster. I am trying to come to peace with the fact that my life is very hard right now with a small baby and three other kids.
I am doing the best I can, and so is my husband. Our best is going to look different based on our circumstances. I am going to work harder to give the benefit of the doubt, choose my battles wisely, and always remember that my spouse is my best friend, my protector, and the love of my eternity. I am complete with him by my side (because he is a good man who loves me, his family, and God), and NO fight is worth losing that completeness or that joy.
There are some very special people in my life who I love with my whole soul. One such person is my beloved Nana, Lois Jordan. Today, she turns 77 years young, and I want to express my appreciation and love for her today.
When I was growing up, one of my very favorite places to go was “Nana’s House.” There was just something magical about that place. There was the front yard that we loved to run around in. There was the attic, where I would find old clothes and collect them for costumes. There was the music room where Granddad taught us piano lessons. We often enjoyed the treats from the massive cookie jar in the room. There was the great room, so beautifully decorated, especially at Christmastime – Nana would have angels all around, and the most beautifully-decorated Christmas tree you ever did see. There was the dining room, where Nana would lay out the best silverware, tablecloths, and glasses for special occasions. My favorite room, though, was probably the kitchen. Nana almost always had cookies in the cookie jar, or Peppermint Patties stashed in one of the cupboards. She would make the best toast in the world for us whenever we wanted. Nana is one of the best cooks and bakers I have ever met. We were always spoiled each Thanksgiving and Christmas with the enormous amount of food she would make. For Christmas, she would make so many cookies and other treats that we didn’t even really need dinner (but we still ate it happily). I loved that house with all of my heart. Just sitting on the porch or back deck, looking at the trees, would bring me peace. Why? Because two people I loved dearly lived there and brought a beautiful spirit to it.
Because of my Nana, I found a great love for singing. Have you ever heard her sing? She says that her voice isn’t what it used to be, but every time I hear her sing next to me in church, my mind goes back to my childhood and how much I loved to hear her sing. She was the chorister in our ward (congregation) all during my childhood and adolescence, with Granddad at the organ. What a pair they were.
You will never meet anyone more generous than Nana. She would give you the shirt off her back. I can’t tell you how many times I would admire something of hers, and she would immediately offer it to me. She loves beautiful jewelry, clothes, shoes, and decorations, but the love she has for her family is so much stronger. When I was a little girl, I remember more than once Nana taking me into her large closet, and pulling out a special gift just for me. I always felt so special whenever my Nana would give me something, even if it was something very old she thought I would enjoy.
I have always thought my Nana was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She doesn’t see that, but I truly have always thought that. From her fluffy hair to her lovely nails to her pink cheeks to her stylish shoes, she was and is beautiful. What makes her even more beautiful is her smile and her jolly laugh , complete with her tongue on her upper lip.
She is also so dainty. I love her sneeze. She usually sneezes three times in the row in a little high pitched tone, and then says “Excuse me” sweetly. She always has handkerchiefs with her. I have a couple hankies of hers, and I will always keep them.
Nana always has gum and red cream to keep hands soft. I remember growing up when would take my hand very gently in hers and rub the red cream onto my hands. It was so tender, and my hands were always so soft afterwards.
Nana is very smart and well-traveled. I love hearing her tell about her experiences, specifically to Egypt, Israel, and Jordan. I think that is why she has such a special connection with Jad. She liked him from the very beginning.
She also has a great knowledge of the scriptures. Speaking of her scriptures, she carries dried flowers in them as well as pictures of her loved ones, and even special papers, such as a poem I wrote for her when I was young. It means so much to me that she has kept it all these years.
My Nana and I share so many memories, and we also share a tradition. When we say goodbye to each other, we alternate saying the words to a song called “A Bushel and a Peck.” Ever since I was a little girl, Nana has smiled at me and playfully said, “I love you a bushel and a peck.” Then I will say, “And a hug around the neck.” Then she will say, “A Barrel in a heap.” Then it is my turn with, “Talkin’ in my sleep.” To end, we both say, “About you!” and hug each other.
This tradition means so much to me. Perhaps I didn’t realize how much until my baby shower in November 2016. I wasn’t expecting a gift from her because she had already given me one, but there it was. I opened it, and burst into tears. It was a large wall-hanging that said, ” I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” At the bottom were pictures with her and me in them when I was little and then a picture of my baby girl with my mother. It was, by far, the most sentimental gift I received at my shower, or perhaps ever.
I have always considered my Nana one of my best friends. I feel safe with her, and happy. I love spending time with her. We get together most Wednesdays at her apartment to chat and maybe watch some TV. I love watching old movies, and when I was a teenager she turned me on to them. She loves movies, and there are so many amazing ones from long ago still worth watching.
She is a wonderful Nana to me and my siblings, and a wonderful Big Nana to her great grandchildren – my children. Casey, Rigel, Kamren and Eve are so blessed to have their Big Nana near them. She loves them so much. As she sits next to them, or reads them books, or gives them little treats, I am reminded of my childhood and how much I enjoyed my Nana.
She is a passionate and opinionated woman, and always speaks her mind. She will tell you exactly what she thinks. But, even in those rare instances where I don’t agree or relate to everything she is saying, I can still hold onto the image and memories of the woman who has filled my life with indescribable joy.
We spoiled her yesterday by making her a lovely meal and ice cream cake, and giving her gifts. She was so excited about the cute things from the boys, and her camel pin. She loves camels, maybe even more than Jad does.
Nana, I love you. You are one of the most extraordinary people I know. You have been through so much in your life, and are stronger than you realize. You are more loved and respected then you will probably ever know. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. There is so much more I could say about you if I had more time to ponder and write. Granddad called you his queen. That is one of my favorite memories of him, for it showed his true love and devotion to you. Never forget how much you are loved.
Home sweethome is what America is called in this familiar, beautiful, patriotic song. But, sweet isn’t the word I would use to describe it, at least based on the words and behaviors of many of my fellow Americans.
I must ask you with all respect to please stop. Stop the judging. Stop the hating. Stop the arguing. Stop the name-calling. Stop the gloating. And for a smaller minority, stop the violence.
The majority of what I see on social media, and in the news, involves most or all of those things. Unfortunately, I think most of the people doing it don’t realize the damage they are doing.
Today our new president, Donald J. Trump, was inaugurated. Before and after the election, up until now, I have witnessed alarming amounts of division, fear, and criticism. At times, my feelings have been hurt, but I have chosen not to participate in it.
I personally would not have chosen Donald Trump to be the Republican presidential nominee, and up until the week of election, I didn’t feel comfortable with any of the choices for president. But, I never publicly called any names, accused friends of different political parties of being racist or stupid, or tried to cause arguments or unrest of any kind.
I do not plan to do that now. But, what I do want to express loud and clear is that contention, pride, anger and fear are not of God. From God comes love, light, harmony and faith. I have seen a few people hold true to those, but too many have gone the other direction.
Doubts and disagreements, and expressions of triumph and defeat are acceptable when done in a peaceful, respectable manner – when we strive to understand the other side, when we give the benefit of the doubt, and when we realize that people can change.
People do change.
Yes, Donald Trump has done some bad things in his past. It is understandable to be concerned, even disgusted. But, we are not his judge. God is. I know that I would be devastated if people judged me solely on my past and never gave me a chance to dictate a brighter future for myself.
You may not agree with all of his ideas and perspectives, but you probably agree with some. You may not like everything about his character, but you probably like something about it. And you may not be a member of his party, but you are still an American.
Or, you may be on the opposite side of the spectrum where you are ecstatic he is president. Expressing your joy is great, but realizing others are hurting at the same time shows compassion. Gloating about it and putting down others’ feelings, on the other hand, shows a disregard for about half of your fellow Americans.
I thought President Trump’s speech today had some great points, one of which was the necessity for unity in our country. You may not be happy he is the President, but he is the President just the same – the president of your country and mine.
Concerns are valid, but something I have learned in my life is that yelling and complaining in themselves don’t bring change. Looking only to your own opinions doesn’t bring understanding of those with differing opinions either.
My heart-felt advice for what to do now, whether you love our new president or not is this:
Pray for him, that he will be open-hearted to the voice of the people, and that God will provide him with ongoing inspiration on how to lead this great land.
Talk to those of different political and social views respectfully. Find out what makes them tick, and in turn explain how you feel. Try to find common ground.
Vote in local elections to make your voice heard.
Help the poor whenever you can, for God will bless us for serving His children.
Try not to bash any party or person, for all it does is cause division and heartache.
Have a positive attitude and hold to your hope that America will continue to flourish regardless of who is president.
Most importantly, love and cherish your family, and teach them the principles that mean the most to you.
I truly believe that for our nation to be great, our citizens must be kind, service-oriented, and driven to action. It takes each and every one of us to spread light to the world.
A friend on Facebook today posted that the Quakers believe that the “Light is in all people and we should look for it in all people, ESPECIALLY those who are different than us.”
I believe with all of my heart that even people we dislike, disagree with, or disapprove of, have this light. Sometimes they need help to unlock it in themselves.
What helps you to be a better person? People showing you love, respect and encouragement, or people showing your hatred, disapproval, and unkind judgment?
We have two choices for the next four or more years:
Continue to dislike and reject each and every decision President Trump makes or will make -or –
Support him, pray for him, and set a positive example for him
Only one of these choices brings real, long-lasting, positive change. Christ brings light. Let’s be like Him.
And what did He do? He forgave, loved, and saw potential in everybody. That is what I choose to do today and always.
**Looks like I started this 7 years ago on January 9, 2017 and never finished it. Pushed publish by accident, and here we are! Sorry for any confusion haha!
Our area of North Carolina got several inches of snow and ice this past Friday. Even three days later, it is still here preventing most from safely traveling outside their homes.
You would think that being snowed in would get boring and annoying, and for many it probably does get that way. For us, it has been an opportunity to spend more time as a family, have fun in weather we don’t get often, hang out with neighbors, and most importantly, talk, learn and teach together.
Our family attends church every Sunday, unless we are sick, have a baby, or are snowed in. Our meetings were canceled Sunday due to the hazardous road conditions. Keeping the Sabbath Day holy is important to us, so we wanted to do something that resembled a Sacrament Meeting.
That particular Sunday would have been a Fast and Testimony meeting. We didn’t fast, but did decide to bear our testimonies to each other.
We began with a song and prayer, and then Jad began by sharing his testimony. All of us shared, except for Eve and Kamren (he wasn’t too interested – maybe next time). It was a very sweet experience to hear what we truly believe in our hearts to be true about the gospel, Jesus Christ, eternal families, the scriptures, prayer and more. I really felt the Spirit when we all spoke. It was extra special because it was the first time Rigel had ever shared his beliefs. We may think our children don’t listen to us, or hear what is being taught at church, but they do. That was clear when Rigel talked about how he knew the church was true and that the scriptures were true. He shared his love for his family too, which in our church, is so essential to joy in this life and in the next.
My boys are crazy – they run, scream, and fight, and their energy never seems to end. They play bad guys and good guys, and are rough to say the least.
Now that they have their baby sister, they are still all those things, but around her they are gentle, sweet, and affectionate. They want to protect her and to take care of her. They want her to feel the love they radiate towards her.
Last week, Casey and Rigel decided to rewrite the song Hush, Little Baby to be from their point of view as Eve’s brothers.
It goes like this:
Hush, little Evey, don’t say a word.
Brother’s gonna buy you a singing bird.
If that singing bird don’t sing,
Brother’s gonna buy you a silver ring.
If that silver ring turns to grass,
Brother’s gonna buy you a looking glass.
If that looking glass gets broke,
Brother’s gonna buy you a baby goat.
If that baby goat runs away,
Brother’s gonna buy you a Barbie today.
My heart about melted the first time I heard them talk about rewriting it, and then hearing them sing it to her filled me with unspeakable joy.
I recorded the boys singing the song to her yesterday. I hope you love these recordings as I do. You can see their regular silly personalities along with their unconditional love for their baby sister.
I know that Heavenly Father blessed us with Eve. Our hearts have become fuller – she really completes us all. And as my boys sing to their beloved sister, they are singing praises to God, and raising a prayer for her and our family.
For about 11 years I have wanted to name my first baby girl Raina after a beautiful 3-year-old girl I watched at my daycare job. Well, once I found out I was having a girl this pregnancy, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I wanted to make sure that Raina was the right name, so I went through hundreds of names as I usually do. Jad and I discussed them, and he didn’t like most of the names, not even the Arabic ones. I was shocked he had an opinion since he hadn’t had one with the boys. So, we kept looking and looking. We thought about Rose (or a name with Rose in it), a name with Belle/Bella in it, and more lovely names like Ariana, Ella, Ava, Adaline, and Alayna. Jad loved Rosalina, but I thought it was too long. We went back to Raina at one point and felt pretty good about it, until people at work started using it and Jad decided he didn’t like it. So, back to looking at the long list of maybes. My mom kept telling us names she liked, and one day she said she loved Evey. I liked it, but Jad wasn’t sure. Then we got a 4D ultrasound done for our baby girl on October 18.
As I looked at her pictures over and over, I knew she was someone special and needed a really lovely name. I thought of the most beautiful and important names of all time, and my mind went to the Bible. We had already said we liked Esther, but then Eve came to mind. I instantly loved it. Jad wasn’t so sure, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The 23rd at my mom’s house, I told her that we were strongly considering Eve. She was ecstatic. Jad still wasn’t sure, but on the way home we asked the kids if they liked the name Eve. Rigel had been wanting to call her Rose, and Casey loved Ella, but when we told them about why we wanted to name her Eve, they got really excited, and we knew she would become Eve Marie Al-Bjaly.
Let me tell you her story…
My due date for my fourth child: December 2, 2016
My actual delivery date of my fourth child: October 26, 2016 at 10:10PM.
Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born at 34 weeks 5 days gestation at UNC Hospital via induced vaginal delivery. She was a tiny 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches long.
All during my pregnancy, I had a small worry at the back of my mind that my baby girl would be born quite suddenly, just like Kamren was. His labor was around 20 minutes or so – how long would hers be?
Then there was the concern about Thanksgiving – could we have it? What if I had the baby right around then? Because of that, we decided as a family to cancel the holiday this year.
My pregnancy had been very normal the whole time, but then at my October 5 midwife appointment, I had very high blood pressure. I was told we needed to keep an eye on it, and then October 19, I had high blood pressure again. That time, I was told that I may have gestational hypertension and that I needed to go to UNC Hospital that day to get monitored. I was surprised because I have never had that problem before. I had to call Jad and ask him to leave work and get Kamren. After a quick lunch at Harris Teeter, I drove myself to UNC Hospital for the first time. I admit I was a little worried.
I thought I would be seen right away when I got to the hospital, but there were no rooms. I had to sit in the waiting room for quite some time. I was happy to have met another pregnant woman that day who I could talk to. She was there for pre-op for a c-section the next day. She was so nice, and we had a great conversation. She put me at ease. Finally, I was taken back. I honestly don’t remember much, just that I was told I do in fact have gestational hypertension and that I would be induced three weeks early. I got really no explanation of how they figured out I had that and why I had to be induced, but I just accepted it. The only silver lining to that day was I met a really nice woman named Karen who was in charge of a study for preeclamptic pregnant women – a study trying to find a blood test to figure out if a woman has preeclampsia. I got a $25 gift card before I left that day just for giving a little blood.
The following day I had to get an ultrasound at the hospital to check on the baby. She was totally healthy, which made me happy. So, I tried to prepare myself to have a baby early. Some friends told me I should question that, and I was prepared to. But then, October 25, at my appointment to plan my care leading up to the induction, my blood pressure was crazy high again.
An OBGYN came into my room, shook my hand, and basically looked at me in the eyes and told me I needed to go to Labor and Delivery right away. She didn’t clarify, and I immediately assumed I had to have an emergency induction. I cried out, “What? But she’s too tiny!”
I immediately started to cry and get really worried. She explained I would have to be monitored at the hospital, likely for 24 hours, and then a final determination would be made. I calmed down a little, and said I would need to make some phone calls and figure all this out. She told me I had to stay in the office (a monitored location) to make those arrangements, and then I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
The phone call I made to Jad wasn’t easy. I told him I needed him to leave work early and take care of the kids – that I may not be coming home that day – that I may be having a baby. My voice was quiet and weak, and Jad was worried. He talked to his boss, and then left work to take over with the kids for me.
I walked slowly to the car, shaken up. Could I even get myself there? As I sat down in the drivers’ seat, I burst into tears and sobbed. I prayed and I probably hyperventilated a little. The unknown had never been scarier.
This time when I checked myself into the hospital, they had a triage room ready for me. I got into a gown, and was hooked up to the blood pressure machine. As I was lying on the bed in a moment alone, the tears started streaming down my face again. I was scared and worried about my baby girl. Just when I felt the tears would never stop, a soft but steady movement started in my tummy. My baby had woken up, and it was as if she was telling me that everything would be okay. I immediately felt that she was trying to comfort me, and that I could stop crying. I know that her moving for that long period of time was just for me. The thought occurred to me that she was acting as if she were my mother. Mothers comfort, and she was doing that for me. At that moment, her name was confirmed to me: her name really would be Eve.
I had to get back to reality as nurses came in and out. My blood pressure was taken over and over. I was in that room for hours, and had nothing to do but flip the channels. I hadn’t eaten at all since 7:30AM, and got really hungry. Jad came to see me, and I finally got food after he left again.
My blood pressure wasn’t going down, so they decided I needed to stay in the hospital overnight. I was to start a 24-hour urine collection. I would give blood a few times, and my blood pressure would continue to be taken. I would also be given a steroid shot that day and the following day to help my baby’s lungs develop should I need to deliver her. I had to start making arrangements for my kids. Jad came to me that evening and brought me an overnight bag. After a little visit, I found company with the cast of Into the Woods on the TV.
The next day, as my pee bucket got fuller, and my blood pressure stayed high, I could feel it in my heart that I wasn’t going to be sent home. What would it help to send me home? My blood pressure would still be high, and who knows what could happen? What if I developed preeclampsia?
I finally just confronted the issue with the nurses. I was up front and said I wanted to know the truth. They said they would ask for me, and they agreed with my logic. Well, not a few minutes later, an OBGYN came to speak with me to address that very thing. She basically told me that it was time for me to have a baby. She said I did in fact have preeclampsia, even though I had no other symptoms, and that it is safer for the baby to be born than remain in the womb with a placenta not doing its job.
When she said that, I felt a little nervousness, but overall peace. I asked how much time I had to make phone calls and prepare. The doctor said they would start preparing a room for me, but that I had time. I called Jad and my mom. I wasn’t surprised that Jad wanted to finish a few things at work and make sure it was okay for him to leave. I gave him the job of packing some stuff for me at home, and reassured him we had some time. My mom wanted to come right away to be with me – that is just her personality, and I love her for it.
Well, she got there, and it turned out I had to wait a long time to move up to a room, even though I packed quickly and was told it was going to be much quicker. I called Jad and told him about the delay, and he decided he wanted to clean out the van really well before he came to prepare for our baby girl.
Finally, I got to go to a room and change into a gown. When Jad got there, he brought me lots of bags, and even rolled in the stroller. That was kind of funny to me, as I knew that Eve would not be coming home right away.
I really don’t remember a lot about the details of my labor. There was no clock in the room, oddly enough, so I don’t know when I was induced or how long the labor was. I believe I was induced sometime between 2:30 and 3:30PM, but I am not sure.
Some details of note are that I was given my second steroid shot and given continuous doses of magnesium to prevent seizures. The nurse recommended I have an epidural due to my blood pressure. I didn’t contest, though I was a little sad thinking of how my plans for a natural birth were no longer possible. I asked for the epidural before my pain got bad (around 4PM), and when the team came in, I jokingly asked if it would hurt like crap, knowing full well how much it hurts. They said it wouldn’t hurt badly, and I was surprised, though quickly realized they were lying as they pushed and fiddled around inside my back over and over trying to find the right spot. It was excruciating, but it did work, thankfully.
My sister-in-law, Laura, surprised me by coming to visit me in the hospital. I was so grateful to have her, my mom, and Jad there with me. It was pleasant just talking together.
The labor was steady and there were no issues. We were a little impatient, though, as the hours went on. Finally, my mom and Laura left to go home to their families, not long before 8PM.
By that time I was 4 CM dilated and 50% effaced. When they finally broke my water, hardly anything came out, but I knew she would come soon. I wasn’t scared, but excited instead. I could hear the stark contrast between this labor and Kamren’s. With Kamren, I was screaming bloody murder: “My baby, my baby!” With this delivery, I was excitedly exclaiming, “My baby is coming! She’s coming!” I had such joy, and no fear, even though she was going to be a premature baby.
Well, she came out after a few pushes, and after Jad cut the cord, she was put on my body for a few seconds and then taken from me to be examined. I couldn’t even see her the first time because they didn’t put her up high enough.
My first picture with Eve
https://youtu.be/ES4aT2QEkoQ
Put me back in!
Once they wiped her off, I got to hold her skin to skin for a few moments. The first thing I noticed was her long, slender fingers. I loved them, and her instantly.
Our first picture as a family
I wanted to snuggle with her forever, but she had to be taken. She did start to nuzzle my neck a little, so the crew in the room said I should try to nurse her. It was so hard. She was so small, and I was afraid of hurting her. She didn’t know how to suck, but at least we tried, and I got to hold her a little longer.
And then she was gone. I couldn’t be with her for 24 hours because I would continue to have the magnesium pumped into my body. I sent Jad after her, and he got to witness her first feeding, and adore her in the NICU.
https://youtu.be/nA8RqlRlEMQ
https://youtu.be/s406plgb244
The next day for me (Oct 27) was sleeping, attempting to express (with a nurse’s help) and pump, and trying to catch up on text messages and Facebook comments from friends. It was so hard to function because of the magnesium. I would get small spurts of energy throughout the day, and then suddenly feel nearly dead with exhaustion. I looked forward all day and night to get off that magnesium so I could eat, get out of that bed, and see my baby girl.
At least Jad got to visit with her. He even did a Skype call with me so I could see Eve: I couldn’t keep from crying tears of joy looking at her and talking to her peaceful, sleeping face. Oh, I can’t wait to snuggle her again.
Most of that day was very boring, but at least I got to see my beautiful sons. They were a little weirded out that I couldn’t cuddle them or get out of bed. I felt so bad, and was worried about Kamren especially, since until a day before, he had been my baby. They were so excited to meet their sister that night, though!
They took me off the magnesium about 9PM. All my tubes were removed, and I ordered a huge meal. I have never eaten faster – it had been 33 hours since I had last eaten. Standing up and moving around wasn’t so easy. My legs were literally like limp noodles. I had to have help going to the bathroom, and getting into my wheelchair. I didn’t let that stop me from seeing my baby, though. My nurse wheeled me to the NICU to see Eve before taking me to my new room.
She was so precious. The love I felt for her was indescribable. I watched her, and then held her, cuddled her, and tried to nurse her. She couldn’t nurse, so I just snuggled her some more. I didn’t want to leave her ever again, but I had to. Up to my new room I went to rest, and regain leg strength. Once I got my legs back, nothing could stop me from going to my baby as much as possible (every three hours to be exact).
On October 28 I wrote: I got to see my sweet baby a couple times late last night, once around 11 and the next time a little after 2. Both times we snuggled and tried latching/nursing. It wasn’t easy, and we tried different things so she could still eat and also be with me, and by the end of the second time, she was already latching on me as a pacifier. She cried unless she was with me. I see that as a great sign! I got a little sleep, am much steadier on my noodle feet than last night, and have the energy to get clean, eat, and spend as much time with Eve as possible today. Gosh, she is gorgeous and precious, and so full of personality.
Most of that day Eve was really sleepy and tube fed. I knew that she couldn’t go home until she was feeding via bottle or breast all the time, so that was a little disheartening. At least she was healthy otherwise with her temperature regulation and blood sugar. And I got to do a kangaroo hold with her – so special!
It was so helpful to my spirit having family visit me and Eve in the hospital those first couple days – Jad’s uncle Hani, my Nana, my sister, my mom, Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, and his wife Aundrea and their son, Landon…I really appreciated their love and gifts.
Oct 29 started out well as I got back to my girl: I took one break from sweet Eve in the middle of the night to sleep, but sleep was so hard for me. When I went down at 5, I found out she had been fussy off and on since about 12:30am. I felt bad that I had missed her and she had missed me. But, with that came a lovely session of stares, lots of kisses, and even some good nursing, once we figured it out together. Then, oh, sweet snuggles commenced. I love my girl!
Overall, that day was really hard on me. It was the day of my discharge. Let me explain with a post I wrote the next morning: I must admit that yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was supposed to be discharged, but found myself waiting in vain nearly all day into the late afternoon. I was all alone in the hospital without my family, and the only solace came when I was with my sweet baby. My family finally came to get me not long before dinner time. I got to hug them all quickly, and then Jad brought each kid down to see Eve for a few minutes, I got to take the boys to the snack room for ice cream and juice, and that was the most fun I had had all day, haha. Finally, it was time to get the car and take all of our stuff down to check out of the hospital. Imagine packing up your car with all kinds of baby stuff, and not being able to put the baby in the car with you. Imagine having spent all your time for five days in the hospital, not being able to think of anything but having and taking care of a baby, and then knowing that your future is uncertain. When I got in the car, and we headed to the Ronald McDonald House, I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same place as anyone I loved. We got there quickly, though it felt like an eternity. I had to dry my tears. Well, after paperwork and a tour, I was check into my new “home.” The boys and Jad had been eating tacos and playing while waiting for me. I could tell they were all irritable and struggling with the unknown too. The kids just wanted some normalcy and fun, like they are used to. As we drove home for me to simply pack and come right back, I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming. I am glad we had tissues, because I used so many of them. My throat, by the time we got home, felt like a cat had clawed at it. I just couldn’t function. I was so overwhelmed and sad. I needed time with my husband and kids, but barely got to spend any time with them at all. I didn’t know how much to pack to take to the RMH – how long will I be there? What will happen with Eve? Will my kids and husband be okay without me? I know that Jad has been working so hard while I have been gone since last Tuesday, and my family and friends have also stepped up graciously. When I walked into the house for that little time, I noticed how clean the house was, and how much care Jad had put into getting it ready for Eve. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been able to help at all in days, and I could tell how much my family needed me. After I packed, my boys were so sweet to say they loved me and give me hugs and kisses. Casey and Jad carefully put my stuff in the car, and Jad even had a couple falafel sandwiches ready for me to eat, since I had missed dinner. A couple kisses later, and I was on my way back to Chapel Hill. My exhaustion was strong, but I made it. Bringing everything in, and unpacking took me quite some time, but calmed me. I felt love for my husband as I saw how much food he carefully packed for me. I was happy to see a Bojangles biscuit and boberry biscuit in there. It was comforting to eat those before I went up to my room, unpacked, read my scriptures, pumped, and got a little sleep. I got up quite early to pump again and get ready to see my baby. I can’t express how inadequate I feel, but at the same time, I feel like I am being blessed with drive and energy, and hope. I am filled with love for my baby girl, and I yearn for when we can all be together. I am so grateful my baby will be okay, and that we are a family of six now. Life will be normal before we know it – for now it is just really hard. I appreciate the continued love and prayers. I really do.
I was in tears when I wrote all that. The only real joy I had was in being with my precious Eve. She got a real crib on the night of the 29th, and just seeing her sweet face and holding her hand helped me get through the pain.
I realized later on the 30th what therapy I really needed as my husband came to visit: I cannot even tell you how therapeutic it was for Jad to come visit Eve and me today. We spent several hours together. It was our first time bonding we three. And I didn’t realize the sad fact Jad hadn’t held her since the night she was born. They are such a pair. She stayed awake for quite some time staring at her daddy.
(He would start coming to see Eve every day after that. Taking care of the kids and doing all the chores was hard on Jad, not to mention the cleaning and projects he was trying to do to prepare for our sweet girl to come home.)
Before I went to bed super late that night I wrote this:
Most cherished moments of today: spending time with Daddy
Funniest moment of the day: Eve pooping five incredibly smelly poops in about 30 minutes
Proudest moment of the day: this morning when my milk came in! It is going strong.
Warmest moment of the day (literally and figuratively): when Eve snuggled her head just under my neck, and lay content and wide awake. This was right after all her poops. She was really fussy until this time together.
October 31 was Halloween! I was feeling a little lonely that morning, when a lady came into the reference room I was sitting in, and asked if I was Eve’s mom. She then asked me if I had chosen a Halloween costume for her. I lit up and smiled broadly because I wished I had had a costume for her. This surprise made my day: Oh, how wonderful today is Halloween at the UNC NICU. I got a very special surprise for Eve this morning: the choice of a costume for her! I was so thrilled. Picking a costume and dressing her in it have been such a joy for me. She got her picture taken professionally and will be in a judging contest later today. 😀
My ballerina
But the day got even better because my mom and sister came to visit, and then Jad brought all the kids, picked me up, and we all went trick-or-treating together at Southern Village. It was a perfect neighborhood, and we all enjoyed being together as a family. You don’t fully appreciate your family unit until you can’t be together – at least that’s how I felt.
I went to being emotional again, though, as I missed a feeding with Eve by about 15 minutes. I didn’t make it back by 8PM because we had to drop by the RM House first for me to grab a few things and for us to eat a little bit of leftovers. Oh well, at least I got to snuggle with her!
November 1 was a good day. it started with Jad coming and bringing me roses!
Eve had a couple firsts today, like her first blow-out poop (super duper stinky one), and her first excellent nursing session. Progress is being made. Her nurse has no doubt she will fill out quickly, especially considering her mama’s amazing milk supply. 😉
Slender foot!Tiny hand!
And here were the highlights of Eve’s day on November 1:
She got to snuggle with Daddy (but not before pooping on him!)
She got to spend time with each of her brothers (Casey held her for the first time/Rigel drew her a double-sided picture).
She got her IV taken out for good
She got a sponge bath and I got to help! She smells amazing.
The flower and the “awesome”The picture was of Eve living in a house with spikes on it, surrounded by a force field so she could be safe. And I taught Rigel how to write her name.
November 2 was Eve’s one-week birthday. The morning started out wonderfully. She nursed amazingly, needing no supplemental feed. We snuggled for a long time after that.
My cousin, Lisa, came to visit me in the hospital that day, bringing me much needed newborn clothes, and we ate lunch together (which ended up being free somehow). She took lovely pictures of Eve and me.
Then Jad came to visit after Lisa went back with the kids (we were so grateful for her).
We celebrated Eve’s one-week birthday with cupcakes. Did I mention the food at UNC hospital is awesome!
I wrote down all the things about Eve as of a week old:
She loves to: Look you in your eyes Snuggle Get her head rubbed Hear your singing voice Cross her eyes and stick out her tongue Feel warm and bundled Be kissed
She hates to: Get her temperature taken Get her diaper changed Be poked at all Be woken up
A comparison of Eve to Rigel and Kamren…
On November 3, Eve was really sleepy all day. I would nurse her for 10-12 minutes, and then Snoozeville for her each time.
Isn’t she gorgeous in pink?
But there was some great news that day:
Eve is gaining weight. She is 5 pounds 1 ounce today
We are doing less and less supplemental tube feeding, which means we are getting closer to going home.
Chick-Fil-A gave me my lunch free today because I had a baby in the NICU. I felt so special.
That night was also so wonderful: Jad and the boys came to visit tonight. Rigel and Kamren held baby Eve for the first time. We also got a Rainbow Bright stuffed animal from the Ronald McDonald room at UNC. There were lots of options but I had to get that one because I loved Rainbow Bright as a little girl.
https://youtu.be/kWkymAsefGY
Late that night she was finally awake, something I had yearned for all day!- I was about to take the shuttle back, but then little girl decided to be wide awake for the first time today with very squeaky hiccups. Another hour at the NICU waiting for the next shuttle it is (12:50AM)! I can’t complain…
I had lots of promising news and events on November 4: Today has been the opposite of yesterday so far. Little Eve has been very alert, and very interested in nursing. We aren’t worrying about a feed schedule anymore, but just listening to her cues. She is doing great, and as long as she has no issues, she will be going home Sunday! She passed her hearing test, is all set up with a pediatrician, and now just has to pass a car seat test. I get to room in with her at the hospital tomorrow night. I am so excited!
Here is another update from that day: I love this card Jad made for Eve. It has been a good day. I have had time with my hubby, and time with my dear cousin, who has been so helpful this week. Eve has been so alert and adorable today, and she got her feeding tube out today too! I feel so blessed in every way, even in just the days going by quickly.
feeding tube gone!
Her first smile!
As great as that day was, it ended sadly for me as I left Eve before 9PM so I could pack up at the RMH: I left Eve tonight 2-3 hours earlier than I usually do. It was so hard to leave – so hard, I got teary-eyed. I mean, are the nurses going to snuggle her enough? But, I have to start packing up and try to get some decent sleep for the first time in a week and a half. Sleep and eat well, my little love.
I was overjoyed to get to Eve the next morning, the 5th. I can’t explain my excitement, and it was a great first meeting: This is the face of a baby girl who not only drank ridiculous amounts of milk overnight by bottle, but also just nursed strong for 35 minutes! That is like three times her average nursing time.
She also passed her car seat test last night.
And she might come home today because she is doing so well!
I left her quickly, though, to go to my baby shower. I was so excited for it. Getting out of the hospital and being around women I love was so needed. It was wonderful, from the food to the décor (mostly consisting of pictures of my precious girl) to the company to the gifts to the service project. There were tons of people there, and I was there having a fabulous time for hours. As a bonus, I got a voice mail during the shower saying that Eve could definitely come home! Yay~!
Jad picked me up with the kids to go to the hospital and get our baby girl. They went up to the Ronald McDonald floor while I got her ready to go. Ironically, it only took just a few minutes for her to get checked out, and they wanted to stay where they were because it was so fun. I had to understand the boys’ perspective, though I really just wanted to get my girl home!
I am grateful that Eve was well-taken care of at UNC Hospital. I never worried about her. She was constantly watched over by nurses and doctors, and they had her best interests in mind. I was given freedom to change her, take her temperature, help with her bath, and hold her whenever I liked. The hospital also helped make me comfortable by putting me in the Ronald McDonald House, giving me one free meal a day, providing limitless water bottles, giving me a manual breast pump, and sometimes providing a meal. It was as good of an experience as it could have been. I was thrilled to go home, but would somehow miss that special time at the hospital.
We finally got out of the hospital around 2:45 or so and ran into a lot of traffic: Even though it is a little frustrating not being able to get home as quickly as we would like, we are so blessed that our baby is healthy enough to go home.
It took forever to get to the RMH. Then I had to clean and check out, and then we had to drive home. We were so so blessed that Eve stayed asleep that whole time.
Entering my house after being gone for a week and a half felt like Heaven. We enjoyed our evening together as a family of six.
In her bassinet for the first time!
Even the night wasn’t so bad: I actually got more rest last night than I ever did when Eve was in the NICU. She woke up to eat three times, and went back to sleep. Twice she stirred a little as if to wake, but I was easily able to get her back to sleep the first time by looking at her and holding her hand, and the second time by stroking her cheek. She is so affectionate.
I won’t go through the next whole month of Eve’s life detail by detail because that would take forever, but here are some highlights and my favorite pictures of her:
Nov 6 – Our first morning at home!
Mariah got this cookie cake to celebrate her homecoming.
Nov 7 – First Dr appointment: Eve had her first pediatric doctor appointment today. Dr. Boylston said she is doing great and likely in a couple months, we won’t even be able to tell she was a preemie. We are also going to try not supplementing and see how she does! She has a weight check Thursday. Today she was up to 5 pounds 6 ounces.
Just some cute Nov 8 pics:
Eve and my dollEve and her unicorn
Nov 10 – Weight check – Eve had her weight check today. She is up three ounces in three days, which is perfect. At 5 pounds 9 ounces, this baby is healthy and needs no supplementation. Yay!
Nov 10 – First bathtub bath – she didn’t like it other than her hair being washed.
Nov 11 – The day I was supposed to be induced!
Cute pic from Nov 12 –
Cute pic from Nov 13 –
Nov 14 – Jad went back to work – can I handle it???
Spiky hair!
Nov 16 – I had just started nursing my baby. The dog came into the room licking her lips but I hadn’t fed her anything. It was quiet- too quiet. I called for my son. No answer, but the bathroom door promptly closed and locked. Was it as I feared? I unlocked the door. Yes, yes it was. It was horrible. The smell. The mess. The pleading, yet guilty look in my son’s eyes. The squished brown substance on the floor and the wall and the toilet and his legs. The torn toilet paper everywhere. I realized at that moment my dog was the most disgusting dog on earth and that the floor is my son’s new favorite place to poop. Will he ever be potty trained? Will I ever let my dog kiss any of us again?
You can’t make this stuff up. This is the life of a nursing mother…
Nov 17 – loves her hair being brushed (three weeks old!).
Nov 18 – Eve’s first walk
Nov 19 – She has grown!
Nov 20 – First time at Nana and Papa’s house!
Cute pic from Nov 21 –
Nov 23 – Excellent sleep and 4 weeks old! – This beautiful girl made her parents very happy last night. She slept from just after midnight to 6:52AM without waking up at all! This was her first night sleeping through. She just drank lots of milk and went back to sleep too!
Nov 24 – Eve’s first Thanksgiving! – My house has 21 people in it right now. I am upstairs feeding Eve, and can hear talking, playing and laughter all around. I am so grateful for snuggles with my baby, my family, good food, a cozy house, and lovely weather. I am grateful for the great land I live in, for good friends, and most of all, for a loving Father in Heaven, His beloved son, and the Holy Ghost.
Nov 25 cute pic –
Nov 26 – One month old!!! – Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born one month ago today. She was born at 34 weeks five days gestation at 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches. Today we are thrilled to say that she is 7 pounds 9.6 ounces and 19 inches. That is a whole lot of growing in a month. We are so in love with her. Her favorite thing to do is eat. She also likes her hair brushed and her feet rubbed. She loves walking around and taking in the sites. She cries like a goat, squeaks like a mouse, and purrs like a kitten. She does not like to be cold or wet. Snuggles are always appreciated. And she gets like 5000 kisses a day.
My beautiful one-month old
dancing with daddy
Nov 30 – One-month Dr appointment! – She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 19 1/2 inches
Eve in my blessing gown and cape
Dec 2 – Her due date – today!
If it looks like there hasn’t been much excitement since Eve came home from the hospital, that’s because there hasn’t been. Eve and I have spent most of our time at home snuggling and nursing and watching Studio C. I am not going to be taking her anywhere public (except Dr appointments) until she is 2 months old, per doctor orders. Visits from friends and family have brought us much joy, however, and we have visitors often.
I must express my sincere gratitude for everyone who has been helping with my boys during this time, whether play dates or driving them to appointments. I am also so grateful for everyone who brought us meals when I was in the hospital and when we were first home. And how could I forget the kind women who donated clothes and other baby gear to me? Eve will be well-dressed and very warm for a long time.
Life has been quite hard, honestly. Even without much excitement, it is really hard to keep up with cleaning, projects, and just day-to-day responsibilities. Thus, our home is messier than we are used to, and our meals are pretty simple. But, we wouldn’t trade having four children for the world. Hopefully this phase won’t last too long.
You may wonder how the boys like their new sister. Each of them absolutely adores her. They love holding her, and kiss her and touch her so gently. I have never seen them so sweet. Eve brings such a special spirit to our home. Even Kamren, who had been the baby for so long, adjusted immediately to being a big brother. Sometimes Kamren and Rigel still need hugs, kisses, and snuggles, and we do our best to still oblige, but they understand sometimes we just have one arm instead of two now.
Our home also looks different. For several months, Jad and I worked hard to transform Kamren’s old room into Eve’s nursery. For the first time, we have pink in our home. We love her room!
We didn’t expect Eve to come so soon. We had some scary moments, some lonely ones, some overwhelmed ones, but also some faith-promoting ones. Would I have chosen for Eve to be born early and for her to be in the NICU for a week and a half? Maybe not, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Sometimes that plan involves adversity to make us better people, and bring us closer to Him. This experience has done just that. My prayers and yours were answered. They brought me peace, and Eve her health. Not to mention that I know that Eve and I would not have the bond we have, and will always have, without that time alone together in the hospital.
I love my baby girl more than I could ever tell you. I am honored to be her mother, and I am so excited to raise a little girl to womanhood. I hope we are best friends forever.
I have spent a lot of time crying this pregnancy. Some of it has been tears of joy as I finally got pregnant after nearly a year of trying, or finding out that I was finally having a little girl after preparing myself to have a fourth boy. I wish I could say my tears were all joyful, but too many of them have not been.
During my second trimester, I was overly sensitive and everything bothered me. I found myself bursting into tears, thinking certain people in my life hated me, or didn’t love me. I still sometimes have episodes like that.
Lately, though, most of my tears, sadness, and even low self-esteem have come from being the biggest I have ever been when pregnant. I weigh so much more than I ever have, I have gained more weight than I ever have, I have been so much more swollen than I ever have, and because of that, I often feel ugly and gross. What’s ironic is that this pregnancy I have been the most physically active, and most mentally prepared to be better in my eating and exercise habits. Alas, though, regardless of how active I tried to be or how well I ate, my weight has kept piling on…and I am only 33.5 weeks.
Yep, I feel pretty sorry for myself quite often. Last week, my family did a series of day trips, and nearly every picture of me had me groaning in disbelief at how awful I looked. Ah, look at my fat neck, or fat thighs, or never-ending belly rolls. My husband didn’t like me deleting or cropping myself out of pictures, so I kept some, even if I felt I still looked bad.
Why am I saying all this? I promise it isn’t for pity. Maybe I want you to know I am self-aware that I don’t look healthy. But, mostly, (believe it or not), it is to help me focus on what matters most. I know in my head that outward beauty is insignificant. I don’t usually judge myself on my looks, and I am sure most of us don’t completely. But, something happens to us when we don’t look like we know we can or should. We are our own worst critics, and our self-criticism eats at us until we sob in despair at a moment’s notice and call ourselves names, forgetting who we really are and all we offer.
The other day, I posted a picture of myself from when I was 18 on Facebook and Instagram.
This was actually 14 years ago. Oddly, I thought my hips were too big even then.
I didn’t think anything of it really. It wasn’t a “woe is me” post, or a “look how good I used to look post”, but just a nonchalant wish of looking like that again. I was surprised at some of the comments I got:
I have those same thoughts about me! Then I look at my amazing kids, and I’m happy to trade the better body for them…
Beautiful then and now. The thing I noticed first about you when I moved into our ward is how you always have a smile on your face. You definitely glow.
Lovely, but it is good to remember there are so many more important things than our size. You are a truly beautiful person! Always!
I hadn’t posted that picture looking for comments like that, but you know what? I needed them. I needed to be reminded that beauty is not in our outward appearances alone, but most importantly, in our deeds, our words, our characters, and our hearts.
These comments reminded me of a post a friend of mine did earlier in the month. She asked:
Why is it the most beautiful women are the most insecure? If they only knew…
I responded:
Maybe they realize outer beauty isn’t lasting or most important. Maybe they don’t know what else they can offer. I wish everyone knew it was heart, character and actions that make you attractive and confident.
She agreed and sweetly said:
Exactly!! That’s one reason I find you beautiful… You’re so kind and caring!
I was so grateful for her comment. Sometimes I don’t realize that people see good attributes in me. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes – that nobody can see who we really are – that perhaps they are judging us on our outwards looks and clothing and talents alone? I wanted to make sure this friend knew she was beautiful too, and that I appreciated her:
Aw, you are sweet! As are you! You have an infectious, cheerful smile. People need to see it!
So, yes! I am a huge believer that beauty shines in our countenances. It comes from the inside out. I have always cherished this scripture:
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
You know what I just realized? When I spend all this effort and energy feeling sorry for myself and how awful I look, my countenance doesn’t shine. On the contrary, it exhibits nothing but clouds, rain, and darkness. SATAN wants me to feel this way. He wants me to focus on what is “wrong” with me physically so I don’t take the time to build myself spiritually. He wants me to feel sorry for myself so that I feel like I have nothing to contribute, that people don’t want to be around me, and that I can’t be trusted in taking care of others since I clearly don’t take care of myself.
If you are reading this and feeling like I have been feeling, let’s give each other a virtual hug. Let’s think about what we love about each other. Let’s truly look on the heart – our own hearts and the hearts of those around us. Let’s encourage each other to remember our worth. Let’s help each other remember that the Lord will test us throughout our lives, and that those tests ultimately lead to cherished lessons.
The lessons I believe the Lord is trying to teach me during this trial are that:
I need to focus on the joy this pregnancy is bringing me, not the pain (physical and emotional).
I must keep a spiritual perspective on beauty and worth (mine and others) because that is what He does.
I have to hold close to those who love me most, and know they love me no matter what.
No matter what our reasons are for feeling less than beautiful, may we strive to remember that God defines beauty differently. What does your heart look like? Keep it clean and pure and strong. This is what matters to Him.
There are a lot of things that set my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, apart from other churches. One big one is that our church congregations are run by its members. We do not hire our spiritual leaders, teachers, choristers, custodians, pianists, etc. The members are asked to, or called, to do these responsibilities for a time. These callings are given through inspiration, and as members, we are given the opportunity to accept those calls.
In December 2014, I was called to be the Primary Secretary in my ward (congregation). Primary is the organization for children in my church. We have a Nursery program for ages 18 months to 3, and then the official Primary program for ages 3-11.
When I first was extended the call, I admit I wasn’t excited. I had done this calling before in another ward, and it was mostly paperwork and organizational stuff. But, I accepted the calling out of obedience, and a willingness to serve in whatever way I could.
Fast forward to September 18, 2016, the day I, and the rest of the Primary presidency of my ward, got released from our duties. It was the day of our yearly Primary Program, where the children ages 3-11 get up in front of our congregation to sing songs they have learned all year, and present speaking parts about spiritual topics also learned that year. The day of the Primary Program is one of my favorite Sundays each year, and this past one was extra special because it would be my last one in the presidency.
I was so proud of the children, and my love for them spilled out through my tears. I couldn’t hold back the emotion that day as I was released. I sat quietly during my last Sunday in the Primary room with them, sad I would be leaving them, and that I wouldn’t be able to teach them anymore.
In the past year and nine months, I have learned so much from these wonderful Primary children, and from serving as Primary Secretary. It is a calling I am so grateful I had because, not only was I able to assist in keeping our Primary dealings organized, I was able to collaborate with the other sisters in my presidency on many issues, like activities, callings, and needs of children. I was also able to teach the children periodically (my favorite part), sing the songs with them, and just get to know and love each child.
Here are some of the things I admire about the Mebane Ward Primary children:
They are helpful. When something falls, or there are chairs to be put away, there are kids always willing to lend a hand.
They love to participate. Some of the kids would come to me asking, sometimes practically begging, to say a prayer, recite a scripture, or give a talk. Others would get upset if not asked to participate enough as sticks were pulled out of the bucket to choose helpers.
They like to tell stories about their lives – and usually those stories correlate with the lesson. I loved hearing about the kids’ missionary, service, or family experiences. They often brought tears to my eyes.
They are loving and compassionate. One little boy always wanted to give me a hug each week. I always looked forward to those hugs and his sweet voice. I can think of a couple times, too, where I got emotional in Primary after teaching a lesson and bearing my testimony. There would inevitably be kids who wanted to make sure I was okay, and I loved them even more than I already had before.
They work well in competitive scenarios. Once, I was substituting as chorister, and the kids were singing very quietly. I told them that I could hear myself over all of them. I admitted I sing loud, but with that big group, they should have been able to at least sing as loud as me. And you know what? They rose to the challenge and sang their little hearts out. After that time, I often reminded them they could sing as loud as Sister Al-Bjaly.
They have a hard time sitting still and staying quiet sometimes. Why did I admire this? Well, in the moment, maybe I didn’t. But, it helped me gain some understanding and patience as I realized that these are good kids – it is just really hard to stay reverent for three hours at church. It brought perspective as I thought about adults who can’t sit still or stay quiet that long either. For all we expect of them, they really do a fine job.
They try even when they are afraid. My heart melted over and over seeing the little ones get up, sometimes for the first time, to the podium to deliver their talks, prayers or scriptures. Sometimes, they wouldn’t say a word, but would lean on their parents for support. Even when their parents would say their part for them, I was so proud of them just for getting up there. I know adults who won’t give talks or prayers in church, but these little ones will at least get up and try.
They find joy in singing. Well, maybe not all of them, but most of those kids really open up through song. They haven’t gotten to an age yet where their singing voices embarrass them, and they think they aren’t good enough to sing. No, regardless of singing talent or even knowing the words, most of the kids sing, sing, sing. And I love it!
They have good parents who teach them the gospel of Christ. This was incredibly apparent to me, especially as I taught lessons. I was amazed at how knowledgeable the kids were about the scriptures and their heroes, how many answers they knew without thinking, and how many spiritual experiences they recognized in their lives and in the lives of their families.
They feel and recognize the Holy Ghost. Even though there were definitely some days where the kids were loud and seemingly out of control, sometimes they would hush. They would become contemplative. They would get serene looks on their faces. I recall more than once at the end of a lesson (sharing time) or singing time, the kids would be uncharacteristically quiet. It was a beautiful noise, because it accompanied feelings of God’s love and peace. One time, (I think it was the last time I taught them), I ended my lesson by singing a duet of I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus with one of our talented young 10-year-old ladies. I felt the Spirit as I sang with her, and as we finished, you could hear a pin drop. It wasn’t necessarily our voices, but the praises we sang, that helped the children feel that Jesus really does love them, and that we can all be like Him.
I just love Primary. I felt Heavenly Father’s and Jesus’s love for them and for me over and over again as I sat and watched them, helped them, taught them, or sang with them. It has been hard the last few weeks not being with them, but I know the Lord has another responsibility waiting for me. I will do my best to fulfill whatever it is, for I know it will be for my spiritual good.
Thank you, dear Mebane Ward Primary children, for all you have done for me! You are special children of God!
