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Category: Memories/Stories

  • Let’s do what we can

    I wish we could travel more. Why don’t we ever go out to eat? My shoes are starting to look old. My coat is a little snug around the middle. My clothes don’t all fit quite right. Our van is disgusting; it has crumbs and dog hair all in it. The baby’s socks are stained from walking outside without shoes. The furniture in our house doesn’t match. Our TV is too small. We have to go to the store again? We have too much junk in this house. Let’s get another of that toy so the kids won’t fight over it.

    I could go on forever posting examples of complaints that I have made about life and possessions. As I look at these complaints today, I am ashamed. I realize the pettiness of it all.

    Yesterday, my perspective on material possessions changed. I am a member of a Facebook group where people in the area post things they are giving away for free, or ask for things they need.

    Recently there has been an outpouring of posts where people have been pleading for things I take for granted every day. There are people who have no heat in their homes, people who don’t have warm clothing, people whose babies need diapers, people who feel terrible that they can’t afford a Christmas tree or gifts for their kids, and people who are asking for food to eat because their cupboards are bare.

    Yesterday as I was looking at some of these posts, I felt very strongly that I needed to help who I could.

    I felt a very strong impression that I needed to specifically help  a mother of two boys who was on crutches and in desperate need of warm clothing, heat, and food.

    I reached out to my church and my neighborhood to see if anyone had clothes to spare. I felt that the need was more urgent than the length of time it would take to find help from others, so I actually went to Goodwill and picked out three shirts and two pairs of pants for each boy. Even as my boys were screaming and yelling and fighting in the store, I felt good inside knowing I was doing something to help this family. While I was shopping, Jad was at home cooking a hot meal for this family just because I asked him to. When I got home with the boys, I gathered some food storage items and the meal, which would feed them for a couple days.

    I had also agreed to help another family, one who was in desperate need of two sizes of diapers, and wipes. Before I left the house, I also gathered these items.

    I kissed my children and husband goodbye, leaving them to eat dinner, while I did something I had never done before – give to the poor face to face.

    I met the young mother at a gas station. I instantly liked her. She told me more about her situation, and was so grateful for the clothes and food. She had tears brimming in her eyes, and it was really humbling to me. A handful of clothes, one bag of random food items, and a meal was precious to her.
    I have been working to get more help for her with food, and some members of my neighborhood have been so gracious as to donate clothes to her sons. One thing that impressed me about her is that she didn’t ask for anything for herself, though it was obvious to me that she was also in need of warm clothing. All she had on that cold night was a very thin cotton jacket.

    The second interaction was much shorter. I met the family at a drugstore. They were sitting in a very old vehicle. The children’s grandmother got out of the car without a jacket on that cold night. She was kind to me and thanked me for the diapers and wipes. She showed me the kids in the back seat, and said that the son had just had major surgery, and has been sickly since birth. I told them I hoped they could get the other things they needed, we said goodnight, and they went on their way.

    Did they have warm beds to sleep in that night? Did they have full bellies? I don’t know, and it made me wish I had the money and resources to help needy families get on their feet.

    As I drove home that night, I felt a new desire to help the poor. I knew that I could do more than I had been. I have always been one to help others when they need it.  Most of the service I have done in my life, though, has been for people I know. I haven’t ventured out to touch the lives of people I have never met, who have such basic and crucial needs.

    Helping others brings me joy, and fills me with love for them and helps me see God’s love for them. To those that are recipients of help, I pray you also feel God’s love, hope for tomorrow, and peace to replace your sorrows.

    It takes so much humility to ask for assistance, and I have made a promise to myself to do all I can to bless other people’s lives.

    We don’t have much to spare in my family, but I know as we give of ourselves – our time, our love, our extra resources, that we will be blessed with what we need too.

    May we all do what we can to bring hope and solace to those who need it most.

  • Let the Memory Live Again


    As I have been writing this blog, I have felt this bold, and dutiful desire – even obligation – to share my past experiences, mistakes, trials and heartaches with  anyone in the world who would read my words.

    If you asked me last year if I would ever make a lot of these things public knowledge, I would have laughed and shook my head, thinking of how embarrassing and humiliating it would be.

    I have pondered this change in my perspective. Why am I now so comfortable talking about really personal parts of my life? Why do I desire to pour my heart out to people I may not even know?

    The conclusion I have come to is that by writing my memories down, I can help make the lives of others a little easier, and their hearts a little lighter, today.

    Somebody can benefit from knowing that I was too scared to stand up for my beliefs in high school, when someone made the claim that Mormons weren’t Christians – and that I regretted it for years.

    Somebody will find direction in knowing that I struggled many times in my life with modesty, and that lack of it led to many poor decisions.

    Somebody will find comfort in knowing that there is someone else who has felt the pains that come from a spouse with a pornography addiction, and that there is hope for those who want to change.

    Somebody needs to feel the necessity of forgiving someone after years of holding a grudge, and the freedom that comes from it..

    Somebody who feels overwhelmed as a parent may need to hear how their struggles can be for their ultimate good.

    Somebody needs to feel that miracles do still happen, that our trials can make us stronger as we see the Lord’s hand in helping us overcome, and that the Lord will lead us in the right direction as we seek His counsel.

    In my blog posts, I try to bring a spirit of hope to resonate out.I try to emulate a spirit of love and compassion. I try to show that I am not perfect, but that I have learned from my mistakes. I try to show that God knows us, loves us, and helps us, that He has a plan for us, and that He allows us to endure trials to bring us closer to Him.

    Sometimes we have control over what happens to us, and sometimes we don’t. We have a choice to hold on to the bad, and live life in fear, bitterness and despair. Or, we can find all the good that comes despite the bad.  I have been able to forgive myself for my faults more readily now that I know I can help others find their way. I can see the hand of God in my life more, and the purpose and plan He has for me as I delve down deep into my memories of adversity.

    I thank God for this new found desire to bring light to others through my thoughts and experiences.

    I truly believe that every single person on this planet has memories that could benefit, and even change the world.

    Tell your stories. I promise it is so rewarding. It can bring you freedom from regret and heartache. It can form friendships in unlikely places. It can save a life.

    I would love to hear your stories, and I know others would too.

    May God bless you in your efforts to open your mouths and hearts to your fellow brothers and sisters. 

  • You Aren’t Weird, but Your Beliefs Are Part 1: My Life as a Mormon

    Many of my friends are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS church) just like me. However, I also have many treasured relationships with people not of my faith. For those of you who aren’t a part of my faith, but who know me well, you may have asked yourself at one time or another why I would be a part of such a religion. I know what people say about Mormons, and I know what preachers teach about them. You may have looked at me and thought, “Mandy is a smart, kind person. She has a good family life. I just don’t get how she is a member of such a church that believes such weird things.”

     I can appreciate that, and now,  I want to respond to this paradox by first telling you about my life as a Mormon.

    I was born to two parents who were both members of my church, so since birth, I have attended the LDS church. You may be interested to know, however, that my father joined the church in his early adulthood, while my mother grew up with parents who were members (though one of her parents also joined the church later in life).

    blessing day
    This is my mother and me when I was two months old, on the day my father gave me my baby blessing at church.

    My earliest memories of attending church include going to a wonderful place called Primary each Sunday, where we would sing songs about Jesus, prayer, Heaven, and sometimes even popcorn popping on the apricot tree. We learned lessons from teachers about many different things, such as prophets, families or the fact that we are all children of God. We, the kids, also sometimes got to go in front of the microphone and speak to the other kids about a topic like this. We had classes for our age groups, where we would learn scripture stories or ways to be more like Jesus. Primary was so much fun, but also helped me learn that I was special and that God loved me.

    baptism
    This is me on my eighth birthday right before my baptism.

    When I was eight years old I made the decision to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My dad baptized me. I remember him taking me out into the hallway to practice how he would put me under the water. I actually had to be baptized twice because my foot came up a little the first time. My dad was also the one who laid his hands on my head and gave me the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I remember feeling so happy that day, and enjoying the loving attention I got from family, teachers and friends for my decision.

    The next day in church, we sang a hymn called I Am a Child of God. I had sung it many times before in Primary. That day, though, as I sang it, tears fell gently down my face. I asked my mom why I was crying, and she said it was because I was feeling the Holy Ghost.

    As a member of the church, I grew up praying before each meal, as a family, and on my own before bed. We read our scriptures around the table every night after dinner. We did family nights called Family Home Evening, where my parents would teach us a gospel lesson and then we would do a fun activity, like the “tasting game,” and would sometimes have a dessert. We also loved celebrating holidays together. Dressing up for Halloween was always so much fun. We gave special focus, though, to Christmas and Easter, so we could not only have fun, but remember our Savior.

    mary and joseph
    My brother, Aaron, and I pretending to be Mary and Joseph.

    Our family had so much fun spending time together. Sure, we as kids annoyed each other, and we didn’t always listen to our parents. But, we loved each other and made family a priority. I have many fond memories of going to the movie store and getting ice cream, playing make believe, having “school” on the chalkboard, riding bikes, and going to Nana’s house.

     

    12
    This is 12-year-old me on my first Sunday as a Young Woman.

    When I turned 12, I no longer attended Primary. I started a new program, called Young Women. I was in that program until I turned 18. It was a program where I learned how to love myself and love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Each Sunday we would stand as a group and recite something called the Young Women Theme. In it, we spoke of our knowledge that we are daughters of God and that he loves us. We promised to stand as his witnesses at all times and in all things and in all places. Then we would recite values we promised as Young Women to live by. There were many, but some of my favorites were individual worth, choice and accountability, good works and integrity. Throughout all my years as a young woman, I did assignments, projects and activities to help me learn more about, appreciate, and act upon these upstanding values.

    This is me with a group of young women, dressed up to perform the Parable of the Good Samaritan.

    Each year all the girls from a large geographical area would come together at a girls’ camp. Girls’ Camp was one of my favorite times of year. We were each secret sisters, and would do nice things for another girl each day. We did many activities and lessons to help us learn how to take care of ourselves physically and spiritually. We ate great food. We got to know each other better. Most importantly, we felt closer to our Savior as we bore testimony of Him.

     

    jesus

     

    I remember one year we followed a path through the camp site. We stopped at different areas where someone would speak to us. I don’t remember what they said, but I remember the final destination –  a tent. Inside that tent was a picture of Jesus Christ. I remember tears streaming down my cheeks. I knew the man in that picture really was my Savior and Redeemer, and through Him, I could be clean, and I could stand have the strength to always stand up for what was right.

    Additionally, once a year from age 14-17, I went to something called Youth Conference, meant for Young Women and Young Men. For a few days, we would come together as a large geographical group and focus on our spirituality. I always loved this time of year too. I left loving Christ a little more, and having a greater desire to do good.

     

    yc
    My friend, Kate, took this picture of my in our dorm room our second year of youth conference at SVC, now SVU.

    During all four of my high school years, I attended a class called Seminary. It was held at 6AM each morning before school. Each year we studied different books of scripture. It sounds crazy to get up at 4:30 in the morning to go to a spiritual class, doesn’t it? Why not sleep in a little more? I can tell you that Seminary was one of the best things I ever did as a youth. I learned and grew so much. I understood the scriptures better, I felt a desire to do what was right, and I felt the Spirit on a daily basis. I will always be grateful to my Seminary teachers who worked so hard to  prepare those lessons for us, and teach them so early in the morning, when they too, could have been sleeping.

    As a child, we sang a song in Primary called I Love to See the Temple. I always loved that song, and in the Young Women program, we focused so much more on the temple. We learned that our decisions and our chosen paths should lead us to the temple. In the temple, we make covenants with God and receive instruction for our spiritual benefit. As a Young Woman, I knew that I wanted to be married in the temple, for marriages in the temple were not just until death do us part, but rather, for all eternity. I knew I wanted nothing less.

    washington-dc-temple-spring-1160328-gallery
    The Washington, DC Temple

    I have such special, spiritual memories of attending the temple as a Young Woman. We would go to the temple in Washington, D.C. as a group of youth and perform baptisms on behalf of those who had died without having that ordinance. The Spirit was always so strong there. I knew that was the Lord’s house and that we were blessing lives.

    All of the things I have mentioned helped ground me in the gospel of Christ. Life wasn’t always easy in middle school and high school, because my friends were doing things I knew to be wrong, whether legally or morally. I knew I was supposed to have integrity. I didn’t always make the right decisions, though. Sometimes I gave in to peer pressure, and sometimes I wasn’t completely honest about my faith for fear of rejection. However, I always knew deep down in my soul what was right and what was wrong, and what the Lord wanted from me and for me.

    grad
    My family and me at my high school graduation.

    As I graduated from high school and entered my adulthood, I felt spiritually prepared for what the world had in store. All those years of spiritual education and experience had given me great faith, and a conviction to remain a member of the LDS church even after I left my parents’ home and went off on my own.

    vegas
    Mom and Nana went with me out West to get me settled at SUU. This is us visiting Las Vegas for a day.

    About six months after high school, I left home to attend Southern Utah University. It wasn’t that difficult to stay an active member of the LDS church there, since so many people were members, but it was still an every day challenge to stand as a witness and keep God’s commandments. That challenge has never gone away, and never will.

    This is me with some of my college friends at a park in Cedar City in 2003.

    One thing that helped me stay a strong member of the church, without my parents, was becoming a member of  the world’s oldest and largest organization for women: the Relief Society. It is a place for sisterhood, charity,  faith-building, strengthening families, and  finding joy in our divine nature as daughters of God. Throughout the years, my love and appreciation for this great organization has increased, and my love for my fellow sisters has grown exponentially.

    dance
    A group of friends at a dance. My date later became my husband.

    While I was at school, I fell in love, and at age 19 and a half, I was married in the temple of God. The previous day I had made special covenants with the Lord in preparation for my marriage. Those two days I felt the Spirit of the Lord so strongly. I knew, as I had as a youth, that the temple was the house of the Lord. I knew that it was a sacred place, and I knew that if my husband and I stayed faithful, our marriage would last for eternity.

    Most of you know that my marriage did not last, for my husband did not stay faithful to the Lord. He did not put God and his family as a priority, but rather his own lusts. That was a very difficult time of life for me as a young divorcee and mother. However, I was able to get through it. It took me longer than it should have, and I know that is because I wallowed in self pity, and  I had forgotten the things I knew so well – that Heavenly Father loves me and knows my name. I am his daughter and he wants me to be happy. I can be happy and endure my trials if I pray to Him for help. My worth does not change as my circumstances change. Jesus Christ, who felt and suffered every sin, pain, sickness, and trial anyone on this earth would ever experience, can lift me up because He knows what I have been through. I always have a friend, and I am not alone. When I finally remembered and enveloped myself with these truths, and remembered that I was still so blessed, I was able to move on and be happy again with my little son.

    This is Casey and me in the fall of 2006.

    My marriage ended, but my membership in my church did not dwindle. My entire adult life I attended the LDS church every Sunday. I have never been one to skip church, and I can tell you that the times in my life when I have missed due to sickness, I have felt like something was missing. I have always longed to be there amongst my fellow brothers and sisters, to receive spiritual nourishment.

    There has only been one time in my life when I have questioned my faith. It was during a time when I put my own personal desires above God’s will, and above keeping His commandments. I was dating someone I shouldn’t have been dating, doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. I justified it by saying that I was sharing my faith with him, and that maybe he would join my church someday. You see, I still believed that marriage between and man and a woman was eternal. I still wanted to marry in the temple, but I couldn’t if I was dating someone not a member of my faith. Beyond that, he did not share in many of my values. I kept going on with it, though, because I was in love.

    One day, we were talking on the phone, and I was talking to him about my church. He suddenly threw out all these “facts” in my face, trying to prove that my church wasn’t true – that everything I had held dear my ENTIRE LIFE was a lie.

    I remember getting off the phone with him shaking. I could feel evil all around me,like a deep, dark cloud, and I wept. I can’t explain exactly how I felt, but it was definitely not the Holy Spirit. I truly questioned – is my church true? Is it?

    Through mighty prayer, reflection on my life, reflection on this person’s intentions, and reflection on my past and how my faith had guided me all those years, I learned what I already knew – that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is  and always will be true.

    I stayed a member, and I had to repent for sins I had committed. I had to get myself back on track. As I did that, and as I remembered what was truly important, the Lord brought Jad into my life, someone who just the year before had found his way into the LDS faith. He and I were married, and a year later, we were sealed in the temple. We know that if we are faithful throughout our lives, that our marriage and our family will be eternal.

    This is Jad, Casey and me on March 6, 2010, the day Jad and I were married.
    This is Jad, Rigel and me at the Raleigh, NC LDS Temple on March 12, 2011.

    We have been so blessed, and thank our Heavenly Father every day for all He does for us. Our lives are not perfect, though. In our family, we still have sickness, disagreements, financial trouble, etc., just like every other family.

    We do have a strong faith in Jesus Christ, and in the church we belong to. My oldest son, Casey has been the first of our children to make the decision to be baptized, a decision he is grateful for and finds joy in each day.

    This is Jad, Casey and me at our church on June 15, 2013, the day of Casey’s baptism.

    In the past few years I have made it a goal to share the gospel of Jesus Christ every day of my life. I strive to be a good example, a good friend, a good wife and mother, and a good missionary. I am stronger than ever in my faith.

    As a family, we do our Family Home Evenings, we study our scriptures, and we pray often. We have fun together, and show love for each other and our neighbors.

    This is my life. Does is sound weird? As I look at my life, maybe it is weird because I devote the vast majority of my life to my family and to Christ. The world around us tells us to follow self-serving pursuits, and do what feels good, what is comfortable, what is convenient. In that case, yes, I  and all the members of my church are indeed peculiar.

    You may be thinking, but what about your beliefs, though? Your life isn’t too weird, but some of your beliefs are.

    Think about this a bit, and I will talk about those beliefs and why they may not be so weird after all, in part two of this blog post. Much love!

  • One Step Enough for Me

    Last Saturday I went to Women’s Day, an annual event put on by my church, for women living in this area. Each sister that was there was able to sign up for three different classes of her choosing. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes, and am anxiously awaiting next year’s Women’s Day.In one of my classes, we learned about ways God speaks to us, how we receive the answers, how to recognize the answers, and what to do if we don’t think we have gotten an answer. It was such an uplifting class for me.

    As we went through these different points, my mind kept going back to a memory – an experience that happened to my family almost exactly a year ago. My husband had gotten a new job opportunity, which we felt was an answer to our prayers. We quickly realized, however, in just a short month’s time, that it was not the right path.

    For a while, we were confused. We thought we had received a spiritual prompting that Jad was supposed to take that retail management position.

    In class we talked about how sometimes we listen to our emotions, and assume it is the Holy Ghost speaking. I think in some ways this may have been the case with us. We didn’t do enough research on the job, and just blindly assumed everything would be  fine because we were so excited about the opportunity for change.

    In other ways, though, we really felt like the Lord brought that opportunity to Jad. He had been applying for jobs for years, and this was the first time he was contacted by a company (that wasn’t a sales company), was interviewed, and offered a job that fit his experience, with an ability for growth in the company.

    But it was the wrong decision, though…

    I learned a couple things in this class at Women’s Day that go along perfectly with this experience:

    The first is a quote by Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who said, “When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, Go will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision”(Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer, Ensign, May 2007).

    It was true. Jad and I felt very strongly after his first day of work (after a month of training), that this job was not right. We felt prompted that he should quit. We thank the Lord for giving us that prompting, and giving Jad the strength to listen to it.

    So, why did the Spirit tell Jad to take the job if it wasn’t right? Well, we watched this beautiful video in  class called Wrong Roads, a true story from the life of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, another apostle in my church. Watch the video for the full spiritual message, but in essence, he said that sometimes the Lord takes us in a direction that isn’t right so that we can quickly discern what is right.

    It’s true. We learned so quickly that retail was not the path Jad should go down. We stopped applying for retail manager jobs after that experience, and instead, researched different career paths Jad could take.

    We also learned other wonderful lessons from him taking and quitting that job, two of which were to be grateful for what we have, and to make more quality use of our time as a family.

    The lesson doesn’t end there, though. We learned which path wasn’t right, but it took us almost a year to find out which path was right. Why so long?

    Elder David A. Bednar, another apostle in my church, said something that makes it all make sense: “Most frequently, revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation” (The Spirit of Revelation, Ensign, May 2011).

    Heavenly Father wants us to be patient, to trust Him, to keep His commandments, and to continue to pray to Him earnestly.

    He also wants us to do our own work and research. In modern scripture to Joseph Smith, the Lord said, “But behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right” (Doctrine and Covenants 9:8).

    Jad and I had to do all of these things, and when we were ready, Heavenly Father prompted Jad on the next steps in his career.

    Retail wasn’t the answer, and getting another Bachelor’s degree wasn’t the answer. The answer Jad received was to go into the IT profession, in the field of networking. He searched out schools, and felt at peace with My Computer Career.

    It was a leap of faith, though. It is an expensive school. We had to take out a hefty loan. He had to figure out how to go to school but still run his store, knowing that he would not stay there much longer. He had to deal with family disgruntlement and lack of support. He and I knew, though, this was the right choice.

    Jad  has now been attending My Computer Career for two weeks. This is going to be at least a one-year schooling journey. It has been hard – the information has been coming quickly, and is a bit overwhelming for him. He is home much less and it is affecting time with our kids, and  with us as a couple. We are both much busier than ever before.

    There is a difference this time, though. In contrast with his retail position where we never saw any light ahead of us, we definitely know in this case that the Lord is there and lighting our way.

    In a video entitled Patterns of Light: Spirit of Revelation, Elder Bednar talked about three different patterns of light we receive as we get revelation. As Jad is in school, I can see that our pattern is that of a foggy day. There is just a little light ahead of us. If we just keep taking a few steps, though, the light will help us see far enough ahead that we can continue to press forward.

    We can’t see the end result yet. We don’t know when Jad will get an IT job, where, how much money, how it will affect our lives, etc., but we trust the Lord wholeheartedly that he will guide us in the right direction. We are so excited to see where this path leads our family.

    If you would like to read all about Jad’s retail management journey from 2013, read below:

    Have you ever called someone a quitter who left a job
    instead of sticking it out? Have you ever seen a messy store and assumed it was
    because of lazy employees and management? Have you ever thought badly about
    someone because of what someone else tells you? Well, I have a very interesting
    story to tell you about my husband, Jad.

    Ever since we have been married (four years next March), Jad
    has traveled out of town at least three days a week to work at his convenience
    store in Kinston. Though he has always been off work the other four days of the
    week, our family has found this arrangement very difficult, for several reasons.
    Because of this, for years we have prayed for another job to come along where
    Jad could have benefits and be home every night with his family.

    Well, in July and August, our dreams started to unfold.  Jad had an interview with a popular retail
    store to be the assistant manager at its Chapel Hill location. His interview
    process moved forward, and on August 12, he was offered the job. We prayed
    about it, and it just didn’t feel quite right. It wasn’t going to be quite
    enough money, and we thought his skills exceeded that of assistant manager.
     
    Jad told the district manager that he wasn’t going to take
    the job, and we were both surprised and excited when the district manager
    offered Jad to be the store manager of the Reidsville store. He told Jad that
    it was a large, lucrative store, full of loyal employees, and the best office
    manager around. Jad would be paid plenty of money as a manager, would have
    benefits, and would learn great skills he had not yet had the privilege of
    learning. We prayed about it and felt good about Jad accepting this job. So, he
    did.

    During the month of September, Jad trained to be a store
    manager in the Chapel Hill location. He was overwhelmed much of the time,
    worried he wouldn’t be trained in time. We didn’t see him much during
    September. We also couldn’t communicate with Jad during the day, but had to
    wait for him to call us and talk to us for maybe five minutes. We noticed both
    of us having less and less sleep, and less time together as a family. It wasn’t
    so bad, though, because Jad saw us each day, at least for a little while.
    Sometimes he only saw Casey for a few minutes before he went to school. The
    house got increasingly messier.  

    We kept reassuring ourselves it was going to be a raise and
    a good opportunity. Jad ended up needing an extra week to train. He completed
    his training successfully October 4.

    During the weeks Jad trained, we did not know how much money
    he would be paid once becoming a store manager. We didn’t know if he would be
    able to work with the retiring manager at the Reidsville store. We didn’t know
    what his schedule in Reidsville would be like. We didn’t like how we didn’t
    know these things in advance. At the conclusion of training, Jad was told that
    he would have one day with the newly retired manager and then the Reidsville
    store would be his starting the 8th of October.

    On the morning of the 7th, we were all excited
    for Jad to start his new job. I waited for him to call me all day to talk to me
    about it.  When he didn’t call me, I
    texted him instead. He said his day wasn’t going very well – that it was just
    too much. I encouraged him, saying I knew he could do it.
    That evening, I made his favorite dessert, knafeh, to
    celebrate. To my surprise and sadness, it was not a celebratory dessert after
    all, but more of a therapeutic one. The rest of the evening was filled with
    tears and sadness as we discussed the day’s events.

    Jad told me that the whole way home he just wanted to cry.
    The store was filthy beyond belief, with boxes everywhere, a disgusting carpet
    that wasn’t going to be replaced, a horrendous back room, no Christmas items
    set out, and a mess that would take weeks to clean up.

    At work, when the district manager for Reidsville walked him
    around the store, he pointed all these things out, all the while putting down
    the manager who just retired. Jad agreed there was much to be done, and felt
    confident he would be able to fix everything. Then, he talked to the manager
    himself. He got a different story.

    The newly retired manager told him how happy he was to be
    leaving that store. He said that he worked over 60 hours a week and worked hard
    all the time, but there weren’t enough employees to get anything done. Only a
    small percentage of store profit can go to Payroll, and the numbers are
    strictly enforced. Several of the employees at the Reidsville store have been
    there many years, and thus, make much more money than most cashiers would. Because
    of this, no extra help can be hired. Despite this, the retired manager had the
    same expectations put upon him, with no leniency or compassion of any kind.

    Jad got a different outlook then. After talking to the
    retired manager, he realized that this manager had to clean bathrooms and run a
    register, amongst other non-manager duties because there weren’t enough
    employees to do those things. A salary-paid employee gets paid the same no
    matter how many hours he works. Jad figured out that based on how many hours he
    would have to work, he’d only be making maybe $9 an hour. He’d also have to
    work at least two Sundays a month.
    In addition to working at least 60 hours a week (managers
    are only supposed to work 48-52 per week), he would have nearly an hour drive
    back and forth each day. Plus, he would only get a total of three days off
    during November and December each year, and would have no paid vacation until
    after his first year.

    Jad and I had a very long discussion about this whole
    situation. I told him he had to quit. As we kept talking, I knew that was what
    had to be done, and kept reiterating it. He was relieved, and told me he was
    worried that I would tell him to stick it out because of the money.

    It really wasn’t even an option for him to stay with this
    company. Jad wouldn’t be able to fulfill his church responsibilities – not his
    calling nor his home teaching. The kids and I would basically never see him.
    He’d miss out on all school and church activities. The house would stay messy
    forever… no, this was not going to work.

    We did consider the cons of him quitting. The only thing we
    could think of was how people would think about him for doing it. People might
    gossip. We decided that was not a good enough reason to stay with the company.

    Jad got excited about quitting. The next day was actually a
    big meeting with all the managers of his district, the district manager, and the
    district trainer. He said he would go to the meeting, get a final feel for if
    this job could work by talking to the district manager, and then quit if
    necessary.

    He left for Greensboro early Tuesday morning. On my way to
    the church class I teach, I got a phone call from Jad. He told me he was
    shaking from the inside and that he thought he caused a big stir. I asked him
    what happened. He then started to tell me of the morning’s events.

    When Jad first got to the meeting, he noticed all the
    managers were older. He found this peculiar. He had been told that he would
    have an opportunity for promotion. If that were the case, all the people in
    this room should have been promoted by now.

    After the first hour and half of the meeting, Jad felt
    prompted to start asking his fellow managers questions. He asked each of them
    how long they had been working at the company and how many hours they worked
    per week. On average, they had been working as managers for 15-20 years and
    were working about 60 hours a week or more. Jad asked them if they liked their
    job. Not one person said yes; they just looked at each other.

    One manager, who was a little younger, said she is at work
    more than she is at home. She has not been able to spend quality time with her
    children for 15 years.

    Jad went outside then to speak to the district manager. He
    asked the DM for 15% to use towards payroll or a significant pay increase. The
    DM said no, so Jad asked to speak to the whole group inside.

    He boldly stood up in front of everyone and said that he
    would not be working for this company because he would be a slave. He said he
    would rather spend time with his family than work all the time for more money.
    Throughout his speech, he told the managers to stop him if he said something
    wrong.

     Jad wasn’t afraid to
    tell everyone that this company wasn’t run in the right way.  There weren’t enough hours to give the employees,
    so the managers had to work for basically $9-$10 an hour.
    Jad firmly testified that money is not important. After we
    die, we only take our family and knowledge with us. His relationship with his
    family was much more important than any job. He reiterated that he would not be
    working for the company. He said it was nice to meet all of them, apologized
    for the trouble, and stated his name before handing the district manager the
    keys and heading to his van to come home.

    As he looked around the room before departing, he noticed
    the faces of those around him. He was surprised that the only person who looked
    upset was the district manager. Most of the other people had looks of
    understanding, or eye-opening awareness. One female manager even smiled at him
    and told him to go home to his family.

    I was proud of him, and we were both relieved for him to be
    going back to the job we so desperately wanted him to leave.

    Later we talked about all this. Why did we have to go
    through this experience? Why go through all that training just to quit a job
    after one day? Well, we actually learned much from this and are grateful we
    went through it:

    1.
    The grass isn’t always greener on the other
    side.
    2.
    What we had was actually good in many ways, and
    we should have acted more grateful instead of complaining. Jad’s work
    arrangement of going to Kinston three days a week is still not perfect, but we
    will be much more positive about it now.
    3.
    Quality family time is so important. Getting
    more money is not an excuse to take that away.
    4.
    Do sufficient research on what you are accepting
    before taking a job. Don’t just take someone’s word for it.
    5.
    Be careful of listening to the “flattering
    words” of others.
    6.
    Get both sides of all stories. Things are not
    always as they seem.
    7.
    When we thought we would not be spending much
    time together anymore, we thought of ways to spend more quality time as a
    family, and we will continue to implement those ideas.
    8.
    Only someone who was about to quit a job could
    speak so boldly as Jad did. Perhaps his words will influence a change in the
    company, or at least in the hearts of some who work there.


    Jad
    and I both thank our Heavenly Father for knowing what we need and how we need
    to be taught. 

  • The Monster and the Miracle

    August 28, 2011 was just like any normal Sunday. We went to church as usual, and had dinner at my parents’ house. Everything seemed fine. Then, that night, after we put the kids to bed, Jad started to get stomach pain. He said he felt like knives were stabbing him. He started to throw up, and he kept wailing in pain. He was freezing cold, but sweating too. He couldn’t even stand up. He just kneeled over the toilet and screamed that he needed to go to the hospital.

    I was very worried. I knew Jad wouldn’t say that unless something was really wrong. I couldn’t take him there because I had two children (one a young baby) asleep in their beds. I then thought of calling my brother, Aaron. He graciously accepted my plea to take Jad to the emergency room.

    When Aaron arrived, I had managed to get Jad down the stairs, but he was kneeling over the steps moaning, with a bucket nearby. It would have been comical, had it not been so disconcerting. I watched, feeling helpless, as Aaron slowly led Jad to his car and off to Durham Regional Hospital. Aaron told me he drove as fast as he could, recognizing just how bad it must be… Jad was a very tough person, and he could barely talk.

    I didn’t sleep well that night. I keep waiting for my phone to ring with an update. The only comfort was in knowing my brother was with him.

    Aaron related to me the events of that first night, and it made me even more grateful he was there. When they first got to the emergency room, nobody seemed to notice Jad could barely stand. While he was bombarded with paperwork, Aaron gingerly held up his body weight.

    When Jad got to a room, he was given an IV to remove the pain. Ridiculously, though, the nurse had to stab him many times before finding a vein. She kept apologizing, saying she was new. Jad didn’t seem to notice at first, but finally grunted in displeasure.

    Jad saw a doctor soon after, and after explaining his symptoms, the doctor recommended that he get a CT scan. Aaron and Jad were then told to sit tight until the doctors transferred shifts. That ended up being several hours. When the second doctor finally arrived, he confirmed the need for a CT scan. Jad had to drink a liquid in three doses to cleanse his body. A nurse was supposed to check on him to give him each dose, but she didn’t. Aaron took it upon himself to administer the liquid to Jad.

    Finally, he got the CT scan. Brian McDonald, someone we didn’t know then but do now from church, gave him this scan. The doctor came in to show Jad the x-ray, which showed a large growth on his liver. He told Jad grimly that he most likely had a cancerous tumor.

    At receiving this news, Jad wept. He did not want to die and leave his family alone. What would they do? He wasn’t ready to leave this earth yet.

    I am so grateful Aaron was with him to comfort him during this heartbreaking time.

    I came to the hospital the next morning after taking Casey to school. I asked for prayers from my friends and family, and held on to faith that all would be well. After all, they had not yet confirmed it was cancer.

     

    Rigel and I visiting Jad in the hospital.

     

    We were so blessed and grateful to soon hear that cancer was out of the list of possible diagnoses. If that huge growth were a malignant tumor, Jad would have been dead long ago. We breathed a sigh of relief, but longed to know what was really wrong.

    That whole day, we waited to know what was in his body. At one point, a whole room of doctors came in, and said they didn’t have an answer but were still working on it. All they knew was that he had something large, living, and growing inside of his liver. They said that Jad would have to have a lot of blood taken. Some of the blood would be sent to Maryland to be tested.

    We were so grateful for the visitors we received during all this waiting. It made it a little easier to endure.

    The following day, August 30, the doctors had a theory: Jad had a Middle-Eastern parasite that had been growing inside his body for years. They said his condition must be very rare since none of them had ever seen it before.

    Once the blood tests were sent off, Jad was able to return home to await a diagnosis. He would have to return to the hospital once the blood tests came back. The doctors said if the blood tests were inconclusive, he would have to have a liver biopsy.

    Exactly one week later, on September 6, Jad and I went to Duke University Hospital to get the news from Dr. Luke Chen, the Infectious Disease Specialist there. After about four hours at the hospital (most of it spent waiting), we got our answer: Jad had Echinococcus.

    Dr. Chen, a Chinese man with an Australian accent, drew pictures for us of what was going on in Jad’s liver. He had never actually seen anyone with Echinococcus before, but he said Jad must have had the disease for at least 10 years, based on the size of the cystic matter. He told us how this parasite can infect many organs, and that Jad was very lucky it was the liver, because the liver is the only body part that can regenerate itself. He also expressed relief that the infection manifested itself when it did, because it could have ruptured at any time, ending Jad’s life.

    A doctor in the Northeast told Dr. Chen about a patient she had had with Echinococcus. She said that if Jad needed surgery, it would be best for a cancer surgeon to operate. Dr. Chen told Jad that if he had surgery, Dr. Bryan Clary would be his surgeon. He had never operated on someone with this condition, but he was one of the best out there.

    He put Jad on a pill that is supposed to cure Echinoccocus (it had to be specially ordered), in the off chance that he could be cured. More realistically, though, Dr. Chen expected the medicine to just stop the cyst from growing. Jad had to be on this pill for two months before he could have surgery

    We left the office that day a little overwhelmed, but with faith all would be well. We really liked Dr. Chen, and knew Jad was in good hands. He was so interested in Jad’s case, and wanted to learn everything he could. He was also very friendly, helpful, and offered us as much information as possible. We could tell he cared about Jad’s well-being.

    After that appointment, we were really curious to find out how Jad got this infectious disease.

    Well, after some reflection with his mother, Salma, Jad figured it out:

    In the Spring of 1999, when Jad was 17 years old, he and many members of his family went to have a barbecue near a farming community on the Dead Sea. There were people on the street selling lettuce from their farms. Jad’s family ended up buying a large box of lettuce. Jad loves lettuce, so naturally, he started to eat it. One of his mother’s cousins said that the lettuce should probably be washed before it was eaten, but the consensus of the group was that if they just shook the lettuce off, it would be fine. His whole family ate the lettuce without a problem. That evening, though, Jad started to get very itchy. He also had bumps all over his body, and swelling. Salma took Jad to an urgent care to be checked out. The doctor attributed the bumps and itching to an allergic reaction. He gave Jad a shot to help with the itching and swelling. The shot worked, so Jad went home.

    This would not be the only time Jad had a reaction over the next few years.

    In summer 2002, when Jad was living in Port St. Lucie, FL, he had another reaction. He had gone out to eat and eaten a tuna salad. Late that night, he got very itchy, with bumps and swelling. His uncle Hani took him to the hospital, and the doctor said he probably had food poisoning. He was treated for that, and sent on his way.

    Jad’s uncle Hani complained to the restaurant about the food poisoning, but the restaurant did not want to take responsibility. The hospital recommended that Jad to go to an allergist to try to find an explanation for his symptoms. After the tests, the allergist told him he had no allergies at all. The restaurant still claimed it wasn’t food poisoning, but offered to pay for the allergist appointment.

    The following summer, something much worse happened. Jad had eaten dinner at home with his uncles William and Hani, and his other roommate, Ihan. Hani had made chicken wraps with large amounts of onion. After dinner, Jad felt bloated. That night, while he was sleeping, Jad got a huge stabbing pain in the right side of his body. He was terrified because he couldn’t feel or move his right side at all. William and Ihan quickly took him to the same hospital as the year before. The doctor was not that concerned about Jad’s condition, and said he just had bad gas. He gave him a lot of pain medication and pills for bloating.

    In late summer 2004, when Jad was in Jordan, something else happened. He got something called a Christmas Tree rash. It lasted for about 45 days. The doctor said it was very common and not dangerous – just an allergic reaction.

    Following that summer, Jad did not have any serious symptoms. He would just occasionally have pain under his ribcage. He always assumed it was gas.

    After we told Jad’s family that the issues he had all those years were due to Echinococcus, they started to do some research. They said that many people in Jordan over the years had gotten the same infection – many in their lungs – and there had been many deaths. Only in the past 6-7 years had Jordanian doctors finally started to get familiar with the disease.

    Did it bother you that all of these doctors just made assumptions instead of finding out the issue? Did you recognize, as we did, that had any of these hospitals done a CT scan, Jad could have easily been cured, with no need for surgery? We had a little frustration over this, but mostly just held on to our hopes that the Lord would bless Jad to make it through this, and that our family would come out stronger with lessons learned.

    Before surgery was scheduled, Jad had another CT scan, just to see what was going on in his liver. The cysts, as anticipated, were still there, as big as ever, but there had been no progression. Yes, Jad definitely needed surgery.

    He met with Dr. Clary to get options for the surgery, and to set a date. I wasn’t there for that appointment, but Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, accompanied him. Dr. Clary gave Jad two options: robotic surgery or invasive surgery. With robotic surgery, Jad would only have a couple small scars, but his risks of dying were higher. In contrast, invasive surgery would be less risky, but he would end up with a huge scar, and cold weather would cause him pain going forward. Dr. Clary let Jad choose, but made it clear which was the safer choice. Jad chose the invasive surgery option.

    Surgery was scheduled for November 10, 2011.

    You may wonder how Jad and I were feeling as the date approached. It’s interesting. Jad and I were never really that scared. We both knew everything was going to work out. We even went into it all with a positive attitude, looking for the benefits for our family. For example, here is my Facebook status post from November 4, 2011:

    Ah, I love my family so much! I can’t wait for Jad to come home tomorrow. Then we’ll be together every day for at least a month while Jad heals from surgery, which is next Thursday. I’m sure this experience will only bring us closer.

     

    A picture of our happy family just a couple weeks before the surgery.

    November 9 arrived, and I asked for my friends and family to pray that Jad’s surgery would go smoothly the following day. I received an outpouring of support, love and prayers. My friend, Jada, put a post on Facebook that brought me great peace. She said:

    Much love to Jad and the entire Al-Bjaly family. God has an army of angels to watch over you all. I pray with all my heart that His grace and mercy will be with you and that you will have peace throughout the entire process of surgery and recovery. Much love. Let me know if you need anything.

    We went to bed that night ready to face the day. We had to be at Duke Hospital really early in the morning, like around 5:30 AM. My mother was an angel to come to our home before we left, and take care of my sleeping children. She would get Casey off to school and then bring Rigel to the hospital to wait with me until the surgery was over.

    I remember riding the elevator together when we got to the hospital. We were going up into the unknown. We had only been married for less than two years, and here we were, going through something so serious, something we never would have expected. After Jad was prepped for surgery, I was taken back to wish him well and give him my love. The anesthesiologist said I needed to give him his “goodnight kiss.” I did just that, and then turned to leave him in the surgeon’s hands.

    It was amazing how many people were in the waiting room. They were all waiting for a loved one to come out of surgery. My mom and Rigel were with me the whole time, and we watched people. We even had a conversation here and there. I was never afraid. I was a little impatient, though, especially as the four-hour mark went by. He should have been done with his surgery by then. The minutes kept ticking, and I yearned to hear my name over the loud speaker to come get an update. At one point, I did go up and ask. The person at the desk inquired with Dr. Clary for me, and he just said the surgery was taking longer than expected.

    Tick tock. Tick tock. Late in the afternoon, Jad’s mom, Salma, aunt Rania, grandmother, Nada, and uncle Hani, came from Kinston to sit in the waiting room and show their support. They brought lots of Arabic cookies. Aaron came to visit too.

    After about eight hours, I got called up to the desk. The surgery was finally over. I gave a huge sigh of relief and contentment.

    Dr. Clary called all of us into this office to explain what he had found during the surgery. He said that he removed a mass about the size of a football from Jad’s body. The cysts had been attached to Jad’s diaphragm and gallbladder as well. Not only was most of Jad’s liver removed, but also his gallbladder. Removing the cystic matter from the diaphragm was very intricate work, causing the surgery to last so much longer than planned. We were shocked at all this, and even more grateful Jad was alive and well.

    My mom and Aaron headed home with Rigel, and I stayed behind with Jad’s family to be able to hopefully see him. After about an hour, I was the first to be able to see Jad. I was a little nervous walking down the long, cold hallway. When I approached my husband, he was moaning and could barely talk or keep his eyes open. He didn’t seem to quite know what was going on. Jad may not have realized I was there, but regardless, I held his hand, spoke sweetly to him, told him I loved him, and sweetly kissed his forehead.

    When I was with him, my first feelings were that of sympathy for my poor husband…but then I felt God’s love surrounding both of us. I knew that He was with us, and that Jad’s surgery went well because of faith and prayers, and because Jad had a special mission to perform for the Lord in this life. He would recover, and he would go forward in faith.

    It was hard to leave him, but I promised I would be back the next day. Jad’s family members took turns visiting him too. I saw tears as they re-entered the waiting room. We said our goodbyes, and left Jad at the hospital.
    He did not remember any of us visiting him that evening. Late that night, though, after I put the kids to bed, I got a phone call. A nurse from Duke told me that Jad had woken up and was asking for his wife. My heart broke a little, and I wished I could be with him. I promised I would be there the next morning.

    My cousin, Lisa, yet another angel in this story, came down from Virginia for several days to help watch my kids so that I could be with Jad as often as possible. I drove back and forth to Duke way more times than I ever thought I would in my life during the next six days. Often, Salma came with me. Other times, when Lisa wasn’t able to watch the kids, I would take Salma to the hospital, go home, and come get her later. I wanted someone with Jad as often as possible.

    When I first saw Jad that first day after surgery, I was so humbled. Seeing him that way, I realized how much we take our bodies for granted. He needed help with everything – eating, drinking, adjusting pillows – moving at all. As I observed his difficulty, I started to giggle – something I do when I am nervous or unsure. I think the nurse thought I was either really crazy or really insensitive. I actually was a little alarmed. I hadn’t expected him to be so bad off.

    Jad told me that the previous night he had a dream. I won’t recount the details, but it was a confirmation to him that there is life after death, and that it was not his time to go.

    Throughout the next few days, Jad slept a lot, and I read more books than I had in a long time. He also had to practice walking. The first time I walked with him, both Salma and I helped him, and he literally walked as slowly as a turtle. It was hard to walk that slowly, but I always held his hand.

    To quickly summarize Jad’s progress through November 16, the day he went home, here are my Facebook statuses for those days:

    Saturday, Nov 12 – For those of you who want an update on Jad, here it is: He will be in the hospital until at least Tuesday. He is lucid, but is still very tired and weak. He is also still in a lot of pain. He has gotten up and walked around a couple times, but it’s really hard for him. We were told this is the worst day for him, so hopefully it only goes up from here. He can have visitors any time, as long as they are 12 or older. He is in room 4115 at Duke University Hospital.

    Sunday, Nov 13 – Jad was feeling much better today. He isn’t hooked up to all the tubes anymore. It is still really hard to get up and walk, and he still sleeps a lot, but he is definitely getting better. Hopefully tomorrow he can get out of the hospital gown and put on some real clothes. I know he’s looking forward to it.

    I believe this was the only day Jad saw Casey and Rigel during his hospital stay. My mom brought them to Duke, and we talked to Jad in the hallway. He was still in his hospital gown. The kids couldn’t go into his room, which is why he had to venture out. It was so nice to have us all together, even just for a little while.

    Tuesday, Nov 15 – Jad is feeling much better today and after today, no more tubes. He should be going home tomorrow or Thursday. It’s still hard to walk and move a lot because of pain, but hopefully that will get better in a couple weeks.

    Wednesday, Nov 16 – I am so proud of Jad. I walked into his hospital room this morning, and he had gotten a shower, shaved, gotten dressed, and done his hair all by himself. AND, he is coming home today!!!!

    It sounds kind of silly to say I was proud of him for doing normal things, but honestly, after such an intense surgery, the ability for him to do anything on his own was impressive.

    Later that day, I was able to bring Jad home. I was thrilled. I had longed for our family to be together again. I remember going to get the van, and waiting by the front for him to come out. I kept looking and looking. Such joy overcame me as I saw him being wheeled out of the hospital. After being assisted into the van very slowly, we started our journey back home and to recovery. I felt bad because I know that he was in so much pain the whole way home, but he tried to be strong. When we got home, it took us several minutes to get him out of the car, down the steps, and down the walkway to our townhome. Each step was a victory.

    The first thing he wanted once he got situated on the couch was Jello with pineapple in it. He had really enjoyed his Jello at the hospital. He had been on the “bland diet”, so that was the most exciting food he had eaten there.

    The next week or two were very hard on me. I was taking care of my husband and my two children by myself. We so appreciated the meals our friends brought to us, as well as the love and support from everyone. Going up the stairs was really hard for Jad for a while, and he had to sleep sitting up with lots of pillows around him. Slowly, though, the pain started to lessen and the wounds started to heal.

     

    The first picture of Jad holding Rigel after his surgery.

     

    The family on Thanksgiving Day, not long after the surgery.

    Now, Jad is healthy and life is back to normal. We will never forget that time of our lives, though, for we learned so many lessons:

    We knew that the scare that Jad had was a blessing from God, for without it, he may have eventually died from a ruptured cyst.

    We gained a stronger testimony of the Word of Wisdom. Jad quit drinking in 2008, when he was investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He used to drink every night. Had he kept drinking, he very well may have died from his infection, because his liver would have been completely destroyed.

    We received a second confirmation that leaving my job was the right thing to do. It had been really hard for me to adjust to not working, but, had I still been working when all this was going on with Jad, I would not have been able to be with him and help him through it. Those times in the hospital, and the weeks following, were such a tender experience for us. I needed to be with him during that time.

    We found one more reason that Jad was supposed to live in North Carolina: excellent doctors and surgeons who would take the time to properly diagnose him and operate on him.

    We felt so much love from family and friends. We will always remember the kindness, generosity, faith and prayers.

    Most importantly, we felt God’s love for us. We knew He was with Jad, that He was always with Jad. This was all part of the plan, and He prepared a way for him to survive, from moving to United States, to joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to moving to North Carolina. This trial he faced was only a test. It would make him stronger, and was for his good.

    Maybe it is a good thing Jad has such a large scar. It is a constant and profound reminder that miracles do happen.

     

    ***If you would like to see pictures of Jad’s liver, see below. If you get queasy easily, you probably shouldn’t scroll any further. Enjoy!***

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Holy Ghost led me home

    Exactly one year ago I had a spiritual experience behind the wheel. This is how I told it on Facebook that night:
    I have to share a spiritual experience I had last night while driving home from babysitting my good friend’s kids. I got in my van and tried using my trusty phone GPS to get home since I haven’t been to my friend’s house enough times to memorize the route (she lives way out in the country, by the way). There was no signal. I couldn’t find my car GPS.

     I hoped there would be a signal by the time I got to the end of the gravel street. There wasn’t.

     I sat at the stop sign trying to fiddle with the GPS, and then and older man turned onto the gravel street, rolled down his window, and started talking to me. That freaked me out a little, so I quickly turned right since I could get away from him faster that way. I was pretty sure I went the wrong way, but I figured I could just turn around soon.

     I kept trying to get my GPS to work, to no avail. Remember, it was pitch black outside.

     I decided to turn onto the next street I saw and turn around. Big mistake. This was a very narrow gravel road that went on forever it seemed. I saw signs saying Private Property and then got nervous about being shot at. Finally, I saw a spot to turn around, and then I drove for about half a mile to get back to the road. 

    I turned right, back towards my friend’s house. I knew I was going the right way but still had no idea what to do next.

     I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to help me get home. My GPS did not magically start working – no, it never worked. However, though I didn’t know where I was going, I managed to remember road names when I got to them. I never passed a turn, and I never went the wrong way on a road. The final test was when I wasn’t sure whether to turn right or left onto a road I would had to drive five miles on. I turned the way I felt I should, and five miles later, I recognized my surroundings.

     I know with all my heart that the Holy Ghost led me home. Not once did I make a wrong turn. Not once did a vehicle drive behind me, forcing me to hurry and making me nervous. Not once did I see a deer or any other animal. Though this was a scary experience for me, it was a testimony builder. God is there for us. We need only to trust in Him.

  • Don’t try to be hot. Try to be you.

    My mind has been going to modesty lately, and I realize I have a lot of experiences and thoughts I would like to share with you to help you see just how crucial it is.

    Members of my church think about modesty on a daily basis. You usually won’t see active Mormons wearing short skirts, low-cut tops, saggy pants, or even sleeveless attire. Why?

    Here is some of the official reasoning from the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

    Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is. You can show that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ.


    Prophets of God have always counseled His children to dress modestly. The way you dress is a reflection of what you are on the inside. Your dress and grooming send messages about you to others and influence the way you and others act. When you are well groomed and modestly dressed, you invite the companionship of the Spirit and can exercise a good influence on those around you.

    Never lower your dress standards for any occasion. Doing so sends the message that you are using your body to get attention and approval and that modesty is important only when it is convenient. (For the Strength of Youth: Dress and Appearance)

    I was also interested to see what the dictionary defines modestly as. A couple ways dictionary.com defines modesty are:

    1. Freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
    2. Regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
    I love these definitions, because they go so perfectly with the standards of my church. The way we dress does matter. It affects what others think about us; it reflects our own feelings of self-worth; it brings different kinds of attention.
    I really believe that vanity plays a huge part in how we choose to dress. There are certain ways to dress that will definitely be great for our egos. I like the second definition too, though, because modestly isn’t just about dress. Our speech and behavior can be immodest as well. Let me tell you some stories from my life to help illustrate this:
    As a little girl, there were certain clothes I liked better than others, and I would choose my clothing accordingly. All kids are that way. It wasn’t until middle school, however, that I felt pressured to dress and look and act differently than I would naturally choose to.
    I started 6th grade not really caring a whole lot how I looked. I remember wearing my mom’s old shirts that she didn’t want anymore. They were obviously too large for me. I also remember wearing some boy clothes because they were more comfortable. I was happy in this style (or lack thereof), until kids started to talk. I remember one day I wore a casual pink dress to school and paired it with dark blue Tweety Bird tennis shoes. A girl in Technology class laughed at me and said that my clothes didn’t match. On another occasion, I was wearing my favorite long-sleeved pink shirt with a satin pink bear on the front. Someone remarked rudely that I always wore the same shirt, and didn’t I have anything else to wear. I told that person I wore that shirt often because I loved it, but from that day on I made sure to wear it less.
    At 11 years old I was starting to learn that clothes mattered. People were going to either praise you or make fun of you for your clothing choices. At some point in that year I noticed that girls were starting to wear make up. I soon found some old blush of my mom’s in our hall closet, took it secretly, and then started to put blush on my cheeks after gym class every day so I would look prettier.
    Then after a summer, my parents took me to get new clothes and I started 7th grade. I remember sitting down in one of my classes and a boy saying a little too loudly for a whisper, “That’s Mandy? She looks different. She looks good!” I was wondering why that boy was saying that, but I blushed a little, excited to be looked at so differently than the year before. I recall that year making more certain I looked pretty at school. I even rolled up my shorts sometimes to make them just a little shorter. I wanted to get the attention the other pretty girls were getting. At that age, girls were starting to develop, and noticing I didn’t have much, I started to stuff my bra. I am not sure if someone told me to do that, or if I came up with it on my own, but I did it. I also took some large hoop earrings that my mom didn’t want me to wear, and wore them to school. I also remember on the days I wore button-down shirts, unbuttoning them from both ends so I showed way more skin that I should have. Why did I do all this? I knew it was wrong because on my walk home after getting off the bus, I would take off the earrings, remove the stuffing, and button my shirt. I was starting to learn that girls who dressed like that got more attention from the boys. That’s why. I liked not being the nerd anymore.
    I think I calmed down a bit in 8th grade. I wasn’t stuffing my bra anymore, but boys were still talking about breast sizes on the bus. I remember one day there were a couple boys pointing to different girls and yelling out a letter – a guess at cup size. I got embarrassed. I started thinking about it. I didn’t stuff my bra again, but I did make sure to pull my shirt down in the front whenever I could to make it look like I had something there. One day after school, right after I had gotten home from the bus, I got a phone call from a boy in my neighborhood. He told me I had looked extra hot that day, and he was wondering if I wanted to come to his house and make out. I was horrified. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t dressed like that so that boys would want to do stuff with me. I was doing it because I wanted to be pretty and just wanted attention from the boys. I didn’t know they were thinking about that. I turned him down saying I wasn’t like that. I never told my mom about it, but oh had I wished she had been home when I got home from school that day.
    In high school, I dressed pretty modestly. I think the incident in 8th grade woke me up a bit. Plus, in high school, kids just weren’t as mean. I actually was shocked when girls I knew from church would go to school and change their clothes in order to show off more skin. It really bothered me, actually. At the end of my junior year, I went to the Senior class dance because I was a Junior Marshall. One of my church friends, a Senior, came to the dance in a halter top and mini skirt. I couldn’t understand it, and I was upset by it.
    I was a little vain in high school, though. There was a time (Freshman year, maybe?) when I had to check my face almost constantly to make sure it looked good. I would hook my powder case to the drawstring in my gym shorts just so I could check my face periodically. Every time before I went up to the front of the class, I would have to check my face too. I didn’t want to look ugly and be laughed at.
    Though I dressed modestly in high school, my behavior didn’t stay so modest. Being in the theater program introduced me to a whole different way of behaving. I will say I was probably really good my Freshman through Junior year, but my Senior year was when I had my first kiss. I was in a musical called Pippin and I had to kiss the boy playing Pippin. I didn’t know this when I got the part, and freaked out when I realized I had to. I was also freaked out that I had to get under bedcovers with him in one scene. My parents laughed when I told them about it, probably because they knew I was so anxious about it and could be trusted;  I ended up performing in the musical.

    After having my first kiss during a rehearsal on stage, and then practicing kissing for months, I got pretty good at it. That opened me up to other boys wanting to kiss me, you know, just acting. I remember I would kiss random boys for fun. I just got way more comfortable with boys in general. That lead me to not always having modest behavior. Teenage boys like girls that will show them affection. Teens expect each other to have boyfriends or girlfriends. If you don’t, you are lame. Some of my friends had very immodest speech. They would talk about making out, and even sex. I couldn’t believe some of my friends were having sex. People would ask me about my sex life at school, and at work too. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so I would either be silent, or say that was personal. Was my speech modest? Well, it wasn’t immodest, but I probably led people to believe I was doing things I wasn’t.

    After high school, I started going to the Singles Ward – a Mormon congregation for Singles. I met MEN there. No more boys. Immediately I got the attention of men 3-5 years older than me. In high school, you were lucky to get the attention of someone one year older. I started dating. There was one guy after an activity who told me, as he drove me home, that he would stop the car right then and make out with me. I told him no because I had already kissed a guy that day. No joke. I had actually threatened a guy I had talked to most of that activity that he was being annoying and that if he didn’t stop, I would kiss him. He didn’t believe me. Well, I am a woman of my word… That annoying man and I actually dated for a  few weeks, and he was the first man I ever “fell in love” with. He would spend time with me, kiss me, and take me out, only to break my heart when he went back to school.
    After my first love left, I started dating again here and there. One evening, a guy who I had just been out on a date with, and who had given me a ride to an activity, asked me if I wanted to fog up the windows. I didn’t even know what he meant at the time. If I had, I would have been tempted to smack him and never talk to him again. You can see from these early adult experiences, I was still pretty naïve. The immodest people were the men I was going out with. But, I was getting a feel for why they liked me. I started to assume again that men only liked girls who were attractive to them. During my time before I went off to college, I really fell for a guy. He was so funny and sweet, and good looking. I remember one time at an activity I gave him a hug and lifted my leg around his waist to be funny. Thinking back, I have no idea why I did that. That wasn’t appropriate at all, and he told me he didn’t want me to do it. Mixed messages. So hard to figure out what behavior was best.
    Then I went off to college in Utah. From my first day there, I had men flocking to me. I went out on a date my first night after Institute (scripture class). I dated a lot of guys my first semester in college. They would all tell me how pretty I was. Many of them would try to put their arm around me or kiss me way before I was ready – sometimes I wasn’t even attracted to them. One evening, I went to a guy’s house to play games with his other friends. During one of the games, it came out that one of the guys loved my legs. I wasn’t wearing a short skirt, but he still felt he had to mention that. After the games were over, everyone went home, but the guy whose house we were at asked me to stay to talk. He told me he cared about me. He spoke words that made me want to stay with him a little longer. He gave me clothes to change into to be more comfortable.  He took advantage of me – of my innocence, naivety and trustworthiness.
    During this first semester, there was one man, only one, who treated me like a real person. He admired me for my personality – for being me. He didn’t spend all the time telling me how pretty I was. I was not attracted to him for months, but he kept being my friend and helping me. He never pressured me to date him. Then one day, I realized that I was in love with him. He was someone who saw passed physicality. He didn’t try to get me to engage in immodest behavior. I ended up marrying him… and ironically, he had a pornography addiction. What a conundrum.
    So, after two years of marriage, I was single again. I felt the lowest self-esteem I had ever felt. I was heavier because of having a baby. I was way too young to be divorced. I was desperate to find someone else. I expressed that desperation probably more than I realized, and it turned men off.
    I worked hard to lose all my baby weight, and that helped my confidence a bit. I started to try to look prettier, “hot,” even. I dated around. That seemed to help some of the men look passed my past and go out with me. None of the men I dated were right for me, though.
    At work, I started noticing that I got some attention on the days when men around me liked the way I looked. I don’t know why, but these men had no filter and would tell me straight up if they liked the way my butt looked in certain jeans, etc. One Halloween, I dressed up as Miss Scarlett because the supervisors in my department were doing a live Clue game. One of the IT men, an older man in a wheel chair, told me how much he liked how I looked. I don’t remember his exact words, just that he really found me attractive, and that I threw up a little knowing that. The outfit I wore wasn’t revealing, but looking back, your clothes don’t have to be revealing to be immodest. They don’t have to be revealing to get men’s attention. There are certain colors, fits and fabrics that make the men look a little harder and a little longer.
    Towards the end of 2007, I became good friends with a couple new people I met at work. We called ourselves “The Trio.” By the beginning of 2008 I realized I had strong feelings for the male in this trio. He wasn’t a member of my church, and I figured his values weren’t the same, but I felt this overwhelming desire to be with him. One night, he and I went to an art show that my work told us about. He went willingly because he loved art and was an artist himself.
    We had a wonderful time, and decided to watch a movie at his apartment afterwards. I didn’t think anything of it because we were just friends. He was so nice and rubbed my feet for me during the whole movie, and afterwards, I was ready to go home. He told me how attracted he was to me. I found this as a complete shock because he had never told me he had feelings for me.
    Well, he ended up kissing me. It didn’t take long, though, before he said nobody could know because I was a supervisor and he wasn’t. For months, I went through a roller coaster “relationship” with him. He kept telling me that we weren’t right together, but he was just so attracted to me at the same time. I found myself not dressing as modestly as I should. It wasn’t that I was wearing really revealing clothing either. I just made sure to show just a little bit of cleavage, wear really beautiful and flattering clothes everyday, and walk, talk, speak and look at him just right. Where did I learn how to do all that? I still don’t know. But I knew how to swing my hips just right, bend over at the right moments, ask him about how hot I looked that day, smile with my eyebrow raised and my lips pursed. That was how I got him to stay along with me, and not totally let go.  Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t playing him. I was madly in love with him, in fact. I wanted to marry him. He knew my son and got along well with him. I helped him get a promotion at work. I talked to him about religion all the time. He, however, even though he said he loved me, treated me like a doll. He would put me on the shelf whenever he was done with me. He would act tenderly with me, and then turn around and tell me we couldn’t be together.  It was terrible. We ended up never really being together as a steady couple.
    I realized throughout that time, though, that other men looked at me a certain way when I looked good. They would follow me with their eyes, almost hungrily. It was a little creepy at first, but then I learned to relish it because at least I was getting attention. Maybe some of the other women at work were even jealous of me.
    I got out of this phase when I met another man (a member of my church) a couple months after my work love ended. I never felt a need to talk, act, or dress immodestly with him. However, I still tried to look “hot” most of the time so that he would stay attracted to me. I guess I never really realized he grew to love me for me, and not how I looked. My relationship with him didn’t work out, though, because of personality issues and goal differences.
     Then I met my wonderful future husband, Jad. When I first met him, we were at a church dance. He had a very strong accent and I didn’t understand him well. All I knew was he was really handsome, knew how to dress, and smelled amazing. My first attraction to Jad was looks (and smell). His first attraction to me was also looks, so he tells me.
    The thing that was different was that our relationship never dwelled on our looks. He fell in love with me and I him for reasons having nothing to do with looks. He accepted my past without judgment. I wanted to look beautiful for him when we were first getting to know each other, but I never felt I had to look perfect. We went out and did activities where I didn’t always look my best. He loved me anyway. I never dressed immodestly with him. I never spoke that way, or acted that way either. In fact, I never liked it when he would call me “hot” or some other word like that. I was different. I think after my work love, I realized that when someone said he loved you, it wasn’t always love. Sometimes it was lust, and it stemmed from immodesty.
    I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years. You might be wondering if I have let myself go. No, I haven’t , actually. I still care about my appearance, but I don’t wear make up every day, and I don’t take nearly as long to get ready anymore. I don’t leave the house every day making sure I look “hot” or “sexy” before I get in the car.
    No, I don’t care about looking “hot” anymore because I have learned from all the experiences I just told you that when someone’s goal is to look “hot,” a lot of things happen:
    She forgets who she really is and what makes her special, and starts to become something she isn’t. She starts to make looks a priority, becoming vain. She desires men to desire her, and is often successful. She is viewed outwardly so penetratingly, people assume that is who she is inwardly. She starts to make poor choices because she does not have the Holy Ghost right there with her warning her of temptation and testifying to her of truth.
    There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, sophisticated, beautiful, or well-dressed. It is not vain to take care of yourself, and to help express on the outside who you are on the inside. There is something wrong, though, with turning away your self-respect just to gain attention. Your outside should match who you want to be on the inside.
    When I dressed immodestly, or acted or spoke as such, that wasn’t me. I am not by nature a vain, selfish, immoral person. I was starting to become that way, though.  I also found myself being different in different places. I was a hypocrite. I didn’t want my fellow church members, or my parents, seeing me act that way. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. I care now, and that is why I have written all this.
    The stories I told each of you are very personal, and at times embarrassing. I told them so that you can see what I have come to know. I want the young girls, just starting to feel the pressure, to know that they should remain true to themselves. Don’t change your clothes, speech, or behavior to try to be popular or to get attention. Be you, and be the best you!

  • Pornography: I say it. I talk about it. You should too.

    Once upon a time, there was a young woman who went out to college. She met a young man. Though she for a long time only saw him as a friend, her feelings finally turned into something more and they fell in love. 

    They had many conversations about their pasts. He told her that he used to have a pornography addiction but he was over it. She believed him. 

    He visited her over the summer after that semester and asked her to marry him. She said yes. 

    One night, after she was back at school, he told her he had viewed pornographic images once during their engagement, while she was away for the summer.

    This was very hard for her, and she considered breaking off the engagement. But she ultimately decided she loved him and still wanted to marry him. They got married.

    Married life was good sometimes, and other times really hard. He often did not treat her with love and respect. He once told her he loved himself more than her. They had good times too, though, and during one of these good times, the young couple chose to have a baby. They had a baby boy.

    Having a baby did not heal their marriage woes. The marriage continued to decline. She finally found out that he had gotten back into pornography. That explained his declining grades, his secretiveness, his temper, their lack of intimacy.

    She was angry and heartbroken. She quickly realized, though, that even though her love for her husband was gone, she did not want to sever the relationship. For her child, she was willing to work hard to fix her marriage. They counseled with the bishop of their congregation. The young man started a 12-step addiction recovery program.

    There seemed to be some hope, but it soon faltered. He decided overcoming his addiction was too hard. His family was not worth all that trouble. He asked for a divorce. She obliged, but it was the hardest thing she had ever had to do in her life. 

    After college graduation, she and her son left him. They moved far away.

    And they lived happily ever after?

    Well, after years of self-esteem issues, guilt over leaving her son in daycare, and feelings of ostracism for being young and divorced with a child, she finally found happiness again. She is happier than ever. 

    His life has not changed for the better. 

    *******

    This story is not one that any of us would want to write into our histories, nor into the histories of our children. However, because this is a true story, and there are so many others like it, it is important to explore how this story could have been written very differently. 

    The first thing that is important for us to consider is that a pornography addiction can happen to anyone regardless of age, sex, religion, or marital status. In the story, he was the one with an addiction, but it could have just as easily have been her. 

    Because age is not a factor in whether or not someone will develop a pornography addiction, we need to start teaching our children about pornography from a young age. 

    Before we can tell our kids about pornography, we need to tell them about passions and feelings. 

    Sister Linda Reeves, the 2nd Counselor in the General Relief Society presidency in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS church) explained, “One reason we are here on earth is to learn to manage the passions and feelings of our mortal bodies. These God-given feelings help us want to marry and have children. The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit and body, and brings a fulness of joy and happiness as we learn to put each other first.”

    These same feelings aroused outside of marriage, however, are not characterized as love, but rather lust. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the LDS church spoke of the different between love and lust:

    “Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about… But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite.”

    Now that our kids know that participating in pornography is a poison to true love, we need to now tell them what pornography actually is. According to the Miriam-Webster dictionary it is movies, pictures, magazines, etc., that show or describe naked people or sex in a very open and direct way in order to cause sexual excitement. 

    As I ponder the “etc.” in the definition, I think of books (think romance novels, for example), TV shows, music, music videos, video games, photo advertisements, and sometimes even products. Anything created to induce sexual excitement can be considered pornography. It doesn’t have to be Playboys, movies from adult video stores, and naked images from porn websites. As long as the materials arouse a person sexually, they are considered pornography. Explicit nudity is not a prerequisite.

    Some might might call this a difference of “hard porn” and “soft porn.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle in the LDS church, said, “Some seek to justify their indulgence by arguing that they are only viewing “soft,” not “hard,” porn. A wise bishop called this refusing to see evil as evil. He quoted men seeking to justify their viewing choices by comparisons such as “not as bad as” or “only one bad scene.” But the test of what is evil is not its degree but its effect. When persons entertain evil thoughts long enough for the Spirit to withdraw, they lose their spiritual protection and they are subject to the power and direction of the evil one. When they use Internet or other pornography for what this bishop described as “arousal on demand” (letter of Mar. 13, 2005), they are deeply soiled by sin.”

    In this quote, we see some of the dangers from pornography: loss of the Spirit and subjection to the Devil’s power. 
    Sister Reeves explained how important it is to talk to our kids about these dangers: “We as parents and leaders need to counsel with our children and youth on an ongoing basis, listening with love and understanding. They need to know the dangers of pornography and how it overtakes lives, causing loss of the Spirit, distorted feelings, deceit, damaged relationships, loss of self-control, and nearly total consumption of time, thought, and energy.”
    It is so important that our conversations with our kids are ongoing, and even go beyond the damaging effects of pornography.

    Jeffrey J. Ford, MS, a marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT, advised to have many conversations with our kids about pornography to clarify our values, let our kids express opinions, instill truths about sexuality, and answer our kids’ questions. We should also discuss the “what if” scenarios with our kids so they know what to do if a friend tries to show them a dirty magazine, or if a teacher starts showing an inappropriate movie, etc. This way, if they do come in contact with pornography, they have already made the decision of how to get away from it. Dr. Ford stresses that kids need a safe place to talk about porn, and that should be in the home. 
    The Utah Coalition Against Pornography encourages us to tell our kids about our experiences with pornography. This way they can see that we also have struggles, and have empathy for theirs. We should encourage our kids to tell us within 10 minutes if they have had contact with pornography, and then praise them when they do.
    My friend let me borrow a CD of a sermon her pastor had given a few years back about sex and pornography. Several of his points were excellent. He said that we need to be the ones to tell our kids about sex and their bodies. (You may need to have the same conversations more than once and with varying detail – my son already forgot what sex is and I told him less than four months ago.) If you tell them about everything, they won’t feel the need to look up this information and, as a result, come in contact with pornography. We should always tell our kids the truth when they ask us, and look for teachable moments. Talking about pornography can be a little embarrassing, but we should remember it is the Devil who does not want us to talk about it. “Silence is a reckless option.” Our kids can only make good sexual choices if they know what they are. 

    As a young kid, maybe 10, I was exposed to pornography. A friend of mine showed me a copy of one of her father’s Playboy magazines while her mother was running an errand. On another occasion, she closed us up in one of the rooms of her house and showed me, on mute, parts of a pornographic movie. I never told my parents about it, probably because our family did not ever sit together and talk about pornography, how it is wrong, and what to do if you see it. As mentioned, it can be embarrassing to talk about pornography, but it must be done to protect our children, and to help them know how to react when porn comes into their grasp.

    I just had a conversation about pornography with my 9-year-old son on Sunday. I told him about the feelings and about what pornography is. At that age, he doesn’t really understand. However, he does understand our bodies are temples, that we are created in the image of God, and that bodies should be viewed and treated with such respect. He does know what to do if he sees naked images. He knows what to do if he hears a song that makes him uncomfortable. I also gave him the advice that if friends at school whisper for him to come look at something, he probably wouldn’t want to go over there. Any time a kid feels the need to be secretive about something, most likely he/she is breaking a rule.

    In our counsels with our children about pornography, we should decide what our media standards are going to be and why. These media standards should be kept by all members of the family. If you wouldn’t want your kid looking at it, reading it, or listening to it, then it most likely should not be in the house at all. Don’t think they won’t find it. Kids snoop around when you aren’t home. They find the romance novels and the dirty magazines. 
    Even with standards, we need to safeguard further by keeping our TVs and computers in common areas, as well as installing parental controls for our computers, TVs, and handheld devices, such as cell phones and tablets. (Sister Reeves mentioned that most kids get involved with porn through these handheld electronics.) This way members of the family will not accidentally, or be tempted to purposely, partake in pornography. 

    A couple good free internet filters are k9webprotection.com and opendns.com. For cell phones, you can install parental controls that can even disable the internet and texting, if you like. I recently downloaded Kids Place on my phone, and it has many options for safeguarding kids from inappropriate content.

    Social media is also a place where pornography is rampant. It would be beneficial for us to be friends with our kids on Facebook, Instagram, etc., to monitor what they are posting and liking.

    These filters are great at helping prevent the viewing, listening, and reading of pornography, but Sister Reeves has an even better filter option:  “…The greatest filter in the world, the only one that will ultimately work, is the personal internal filter that comes from a deep and abiding testimony of our Heavenly Father’s love and our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for each one of us.”

    Elder David A. Bednar, an apostle for the LDS church, said, “Such testimony fortifies faith and provides direction. Such testimony generates light in a world that grows increasingly dark. Such testimony is the source of an eternal perspective and of enduring peace…”

    Once Sister Reeves and her husband were praying because they were overwhelmed with their young children and all their other responsibilities. The answer to their prayer was, “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

    These spiritual filters – testimony, scripture study, prayer and Family Home Evening, bring an abundance of the Holy Spirit into the home, and can be a protection from the temptation of the Devil.
    Sister Reeves also spoke of the protection that can come from many other worthy practices:
    1. Doing family history work and attending the temple
    Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, in regards to participating in family history and temple work, “I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life” (“The Joy of Redeeming the Dead,”Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2012, 94).
    2. Following the prophet
    President Wilford Woodruff stated: “I say to Israel, the Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as president of the Church to lead you astray. It is not in the program. It is not in the mind of God.” (The Discourses of Wilford Woodruff, pp. 212–13.)
    3. Prayerfully studying the Book of Mormon
    The Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ
    Elder Boyd K Packer said, “The scriptures hold the keys to spiritual protection. They contain the doctrine and laws and ordinances that will bring each child of God to a testimony of Jesus Christ as the Savior and Redeemer.” (The Key to Spiritual Protection October 2013)
    It is the job of the parents to explain the sacred feelings given to us to use in our marriages, explain what pornography is and its dangers, set up regular times to discuss pornography with our kids, set family standards, install parental controls, and finally, make our homes safe havens by the spiritual deeds performed there. 
    Once we have done this, it is in our children’s hands to make the right choices. We have set the example and taught them the right way.We have to remember that they will be in other people’s homes. They will be around other people with different values at school and work. We can’t protect them from everything.

    For example, I used to babysit my cousins some nights while their parents were out. Their TV did not have parental controls. Once I was flipping through the channels and came across a very sexually charged movie. I was curious, the heat rose within me, and I secretly watched much of it. It was the wrong choice. I should have known better.

    Sister Reeves admonished, “Youth, take responsibility for your own spiritual well-being. Turn off your phone if necessary, sing a Primary song, pray for help, think of a scripture, walk out of a movie, picture the Savior, take the sacrament worthily, study For the Strength of Youth, be an example to your friends, confide in a parent, go see your bishop, ask for help, and seek professional counseling, if needed.”
    A person’s spiritual well-being relies on so much more than not participating in pornography. The standards must be much higher. 
    Sister Reeves mentioned the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, a guidebook on how youth (and all of us) should live our lives to be like Christ and return to Him. One of the standards in this book is Entertainment and Media. 
    It says: Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit. 
    I also love the counsel given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the LDS church:
    1. “Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you.”
    2. “Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil.”
    3. “Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds…Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down.”
    4. “Cultivate and be where the Spirit of the Lord is. Make sure that includes your own home or apartment, dictating the kind of art, music, and literature you keep there. If you are endowed, go to the temple as often as your circumstances allow. And when you leave the temple, remember the symbols you take with you, never to be set aside or forgotten.”
    Parents lead the way, and then the children make their own choices. There will be times, though, when despite all the good direction you have given your kids, that they may still develop an addiction to pornography at some point in their lives. 
    Sister Reeves gave humbling counsel: “We would be wise not to react with shock, anger, or rejection, which may cause them to be silent again.”
    The natural reaction to finding out a loved one has a pornography addiction would be all the things she said not to do. I thought about it, and even if someone is engaged in such a horrifying sin, that person is still a child of God. That person still has the ability to change and become better. By showing compassion and care, we can help the person know that the change is possible and worth it. 
    A father sitting at a kitchen table with his teenage son. The father and son are talking with each other.
    For more advice about how to respond when you find out someone you love has a pornography addiction, click here. 
    The young woman in the story may not have reacted the best at first, but she did sincerely want her husband to overcome his addiction. She wanted to save her marriage and keep her family together.
    She suffered greatly because of her husband’s addiction. It made her feel betrayed, unloved, not good enough, and defeated. 
    woman pondering
    Sister Reeves has offered words of hope to people like this young woman: “We as leaders are also greatly concerned about the spouses and families of those suffering from pornography addiction. Elder Richard G. Scott has pleaded: “If you are free of serious sin yourself, don’t suffer needlessly the consequences of another’s sins. … You can feel compassion. … Yet you should not take upon yourself a feeling of responsibility for those acts.” Know that you are not alone. There is help. Addiction recovery meetings for spouses are available, including phone-in meetings, which allow spouses to call in to a meeting and participate from their own homes.”
    Elder C. Scott Grow has also provided comfort with his words: “The Savior felt the weight of the anguish of all mankind―the anguish of sin and of sorrow. “Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.” Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed” (“The Miracle of the Atonement,” April 2011 General Conference).
    If this young woman had realized that her husband’s addiction was not her fault, that there were support meetings for other spouses like her, that she could be healed as she exercised faith in her Savior and forgave her husband, her suffering would have been much less.
    Forgiveness. That is a very difficult thing to do when one has been betrayed so deliberately and painfully. President James E. Faust spoke about forgiveness in a way to make it more attainable. He said:
     1. Forgiveness is not always instantaneous.”
     2. “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss.”
     3. “Forgiveness comes more readily when … we have faith in God and trust in His word.”
     4. “If we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us.”
    Now what about the one with the pornography addiction? The young man in the story chose not to repent of his sins. He chose not to go through with the program. He chose to end his marriage. Maybe he just didn’t understand this, spoken by Sister Reeves:
    “Young people and adults, if you are caught in Satan’s trap of pornography, remember how merciful our beloved Savior is. Do you realize how deeply the Lord loves and cherishes you, even now? Our Savior has the power to cleanse and heal you. He can remove the pain and sorrow you feel and make you clean again through the power of His Atonement…He has paid the price for our sins, but we must kneel before our Father in Heaven, in deep humility, confessing our sins, and plead with Him for forgiveness. We must want to change our hearts and our desires and be humble enough to seek the help and forgiveness of those we may have hurt or forsaken.”

    No, as a youth, this young man must not have realized he had to repent to really get over his pornography addiction. Then as an adult facing divorce, he must not have known that forgiveness and purity was within his reach if he would only reach out to his Savior.

    There are so many wonderful resources to help those affected by pornography addictions. Anyone with an addiction, or spouses and family of one with an addiction, can find live or phone support meeting schedules at addictionrecovery.lds.org.    
    Much of the information I put in this blog post came from overcomingpornography.org. It is a site dedicated to educating, preventing, dealing, and healing. Everything you need to know about how to teach your children correct principles is there. Advice for how to safeguard your home is there. The signs of a pornography addiction are there. It is all there. Most importantly, this site is meant to help you or a loved one overcome pornography through the atonement of Jesus Christ. 
    Only Jesus Christ can make us clean. Only through Him can we live with our Father in Heaven again.
    Perhaps someday the young man in the story will feel Christ’s outstretched arms, beckoning him back, reaching to him, yearning to pull him into a warm, loving embrace.
    God bless this young man, and any other person who has fallen into Satan’s trap of pornography. It is not too late for you. You can overcome. You can find peace. You can be pure again. All you have to do is trust in the Lord. 

  • Pioneer: One that goes before, showing others the way to follow.

    Every year on July 24, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) celebrate Pioneer Day, the anniversary of the day that the first Mormon pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847. It is a day to honor and remember the faith, courage, sacrifice, and perseverance of the early members of the church.
    The early Saints were such powerful examples of putting God first and following His will no matter what the circumstances. They endured more hardships than most could ever imagine, fearing for their lives, being driven from place to place, grieving over the martyrdom of their beloved prophet, and traveling hundreds of miles by foot (some with only handcarts in the bitter cold of winter), to finally find a resting place where they could worship the Lord, Jesus Christ, in peace.
    A pioneer is one that goes before, showing others the way to follow. Because of their commitment, unity, faith and selflessness, the pioneers paved a way for millions to find the joy and truth they had received.
    There is so much to be learned from these Mormon pioneers, and they actually still exist today. They don’t deal with the same hardships, but Mormons from all over the world strive to follow Jesus Christ as valiantly as the faithful men, women and children who crossed the plains.
    I love this video narrated by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He speaks of the idea of modern-day Mormon pioneers.
    One definition of a modern Mormon pioneer is one who is the first member of his/her family to join the LDS church.
    My husband, Jad, is one of these pioneers. He grew up in Jordan with a very large family, all who affiliated
    themselves with the teachings and traditions of the same Christian religion.
    Throughout his childhood, Jad had many questions. He would look up at the stars and wonder where he came from and what the purpose of life was.
    When he was about 9 or 10, he asked a priest these questions. He was quickly rebuked saying that he should not ask such questions as they would make him crazy.
    When Jad sadly learned that there were no answers to his questions, he slowly slipped away from his religion and
    God. He finally denounced religion all together when he stopped attending his Christian school at age 15.
    In his early adult years, after graduating from college in Jordan, he moved to the United States for a business opportunity with his uncle. A few years later, his friend told him of another opportunity in North Carolina.
    One night as he walked through Wal-Mart to shop for his store, he saw two young women and walked up to them. They were kind to him and invited him to a party. He accepted and was excited to attend.
    When Jad arrived at the party, he noticed it was much different than he expected. It was a family party, celebrating with family members who would soon move away. He stayed, though, and accepted an invitation to visit this family’s church, called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
    That Sunday he met many new, smiling faces. He felt good as he listened to the children of the congregation put on a musical presentation. He left church with an invitation to help someone in the congregation who needed a ramp built for his home.
    This was Jad’s first experience with the Mormon Church, but not the last. Over the course of the next nine months he would attend church every Sunday. He would have the missionaries in his home on a weekly basis, and feed them each time.
    He was full of questions, and sometimes skepticism. He asked for a long time that the missionaries only answer his questions through Bible verses. They were always able to do so.
    After one lesson with the missionaries, they challenged Jad to not drink the next time he went out socially. He took the challenge, and he was surprised at how different everyone acted when intoxicated. He didn’t like it. So, even though for years Jad had drank nearly every night, he never did again after that experience.
    Not everything came so easily for Jad, though. He found many Mormon beliefs to be strange, but he kept listening
    and studying and spending time with the members and missionaries.
    Though he resisted with his brain, his heart could not sever him from the church. Even when members of his family presented him with anti-Mormon materials to read and view, he did not stop investigating.
    Through the months he investigated the church, Jad got many answers to questions. The teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made sense. It all made sense, but he was nervous it was too good to be true.
    One night, he prayed to Heavenly Father and told Him that if He answered Jad’s prayers on behalf of his friend, himself and his uncle, all with different needs, that he would know the church was true, and that he would join.
    The next morning, after talking to these two individuals that he had prayed about the night before, he joyfully
    realized that his prayers had indeed been answered. Jad knew that he would then accept the invitation to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
    He was baptized on his birthday, July 22, 2008. Soon he was called upon to be a ward missionary in his congregation, and then the ward mission leader.
    Jad had a testimony, and felt happy in his new faith. The questions he had had his whole life were answered. He still had more questions, though, and kept asking.
    Over time, Jad gained a stronger testimony of things that weren’t as clear when he got baptized. After the first General Conference he viewed, he knew that there was a living prophet. When he paid an honest tithe, he gained a testimony of tithing.
    Jad’s change of lifestyle, faith, and heart did not come without its struggles. Several members of his family ridiculed
    him for changing his lifestyle and no longer following the traditions he had always known. His own brother told him he would never talk to him again, though has since changed that stance.
    For the last six years, however, Jad has remained true to his baptismal covenants. He has tried his best to stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places (Mosiah 18:9).
    He has had numerous conversations with members of his family about the faith that he loves so dearly. He tries to set a good example for them, and help them find the full truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He has not given up, and will never do so. The gospel means that much to him.
    Jad and I truly believe that he was meant to live in the United States so that he could find the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. He never meant to live here, but instead wanted to be a pilot in Jordan. But, he is now one of very few Arabic members of the church. We believe that he has a great opportunity to help spread forth the kingdom of God
    to those of his heritage.
    Jad Al-Bjaly is a modern-day pioneer.
     Many members of our church have a long line of members in their family. However, all Mormons can be pioneers as
    they stand for what is right even when it isn’t popular, when they live their lives in service to God and to their fellow men, and when they share the light they have with others.
    Last Sunday, our worship services began with talks about the growth of the church in the Hillsborough and Mebane areas over the last several decades. Members of the church that grew up in these areas prayed and hoped for many years for an LDS chapel to be built closer to them so they could better serve and worship the Lord. That day has come.
    At the end of the meeting, our stake president gave a heartfelt and beautiful dedicatory prayer. The greatest desire emanated from the prayer was that the church members would work diligently with the missionaries, and dedicate their efforts to lovingly and boldly sharing their testimonies and spiritual knowledge with others. By so doing, our
    new church building can be filled with new faces to love and nourish with the good word of God.
    Mormons see beauty and truth in all religions, with respect for them all. We believe that there is much truth in all Christian religions about Jesus Christ and His gospel. The difference is that we believe that our church is the same church that Jesus established on the earth, with the same doctrines, the same priesthood authority, with the same focus on living the commandments as He presented them himself. We believe that God still speaks to a prophet today, and that we don’t have to be confused in today’s increasingly wicked world. We believe in loving and serving others every day of our lives, and we want with all of our hearts to share this joy and fulfillment that we enjoy every day.
    Every single member of the church who shares this light with others, in hopes that they join with us, is also a modern-day pioneer.
    I am a modern-day pioneer. My blog is dedicated to sharing my testimony, my faith, my hope with each of you. I want every person in this world to have the blessings of eternal families. I want everyone to know that God loves them and knows them. I want everyone to know what my husband wondered – where they came from and what this life is for.
    Another apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Neil L. Andersen, narrated a very spiritual video about pioneers, old and new, and about their love for their Savior, Jesus Christ. Please watch it. I promise it
    will touch your heart, as it does mine each time I watch it.
    President Gordon B. Hinckley, our beloved prophet from 1995-2008, said, “We honor best those who have gone before when we serve well in the cause of truth.”
    Elder Oaks expounded on this by saying, “That cause of truth is the cause of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whose servants they were, and whose servants we should strive to be.”
    I strive every day of my life to be the Lord’s servant. As the song “True to the Faith” says,
    True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
    True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
    To God’s command, Soul, heart, and hand,
    Faithful and true we will ever stand.
    Faithful and true I will ever stand – soul, heart and hand. I am a modern-day pioneer. Thank you to all of you who are and will someday become a modern-day Mormon pioneer. May God bless you in your zeal and devotion to the cause of truth.

     

     

  • Meet Charlotte

    Jad and I had been content for four years not having a pet. We never discussed even wanting a pet any time soon, and definitely not a dog. A hamster might have been okay when Casey got older. So, how did we end up with a dog, you ask?
    Well, in the beginning of March, I got a feeling that there was something missing in our family. My first thought was a baby, but Kamren was still so young (not even a year old), so I knew that couldn’t be it. Then my mind envisioned us with a pet. It felt pretty good. I knew a turtle, fish or hamster wouldn’t work. No, it would have to be a dog or cat, and since Jad and I are both allergic to cats, a dog it would have to be. 
    I brought my thoughts up to Jad, thinking he probably wouldn’t agree. Surprisingly, though, he had had the same thought. We were nervous, yet excited, about the idea of adding a new member to our family. And so the search for a dog began.
    For nearly a month I searched daily to find our perfect match. I did many hours of research trying to find hypoallergenic (did I mention Jad is also allergic to dogs?), low-shedding dogs that were friendly and playful. I checked into which breeds and sizes were best for kids. I made list after list. I figured out that I wanted a dog past the puppy stage, most likely medium size, and some type of mix of a hypoallergenic dog, like a schnoodle or something.
    I started finding options, but many of the rescues had very strict rules on adoption, such as you have to have a fenced in yard, or you have to have a home visit and an interview process. I didn’t like the idea of going through all that. Needless to say, I didn’t easily find a good match for my family.
    At the beginning of April, we started dog sitting for two families in our neighborhood. We had a large breed in our home, and then one each of a medium and small breed that we checked on often. It was during those couple days that I really felt confident and comfortable about getting a dog. We loved watching our neighbors’ dog in our home, and my son, Casey, was just so good with her and the other dogs. I knew that a dog would really make our kids, and us, happy.
    One evening, Casey told me that he thought he would want a small dog since he got along so well with the small dog we were watching. Well, that changed my search for sure, since I had been avoiding small breeds.
    That evening, April 3, I found a posting for a 4 and half month old Shih Tzu/Jack Russell Terrier mix puppy named Lola. These are the pictures I saw:
    I fell in love with that face. When Jad got home from work that night, he also fell in love with that face. Lola had a sister named Luna, who looked more like a Shih Tzu, and was also adorable. I figured that Luna would be more likely to be hypoallergenic, but Jad really liked Lola better. I went ahead and emailed Robin at Finding Great Homes for Jack Russells in Greensboro, telling her of our interest in either Lola or Luna.
    I could hardly wait to get her reply the next morning. She asked that we fill out the application and then we could come see the dogs they had that day. She said Luna was getting groomed, but we could see Lola. We excitedly got ready to go to Greensboro, thinking that we would be coming home that day with a new dog. 
    Our first view of Lola was her urinating on Robin, but Robin just laughed it off and let us go play with her. The kids immediately loved her, especially Casey. She was so playful, sweet, and adorable. It was so fun watching her leap around and play with her toys.
    We actually did look at several other dogs. I saw another one I liked, but Casey ultimately said that he loved Lola the best. I had wanted an older dog, but seeing Casey so happy melted my heart.
    We were told that Lola would shed, and Jad actually got a little itchy holding her. We decided to do a trial adoption for a couple days to see if Jad could be around her without a severe allergic reaction. We signed the paperwork, and loaded little Lola in the car.
    Then we had to go buy her everything she needed – food, leash, crate, toys, treats, collar, etc. That was fun, though not easy on the wallet. At least Petco gives discounts for those who adopt a pet. 
    When we took Lola home, we set up her belongings, and tried to help her feel at home. She quickly found comfort under Kamren’s piano toy. For the first few days we had her, she loved sitting under there.
    While she hid under the toy, Rigel played in her crate.
    It was really fun giving our pup her first bath. She hadn’t been bathed in a while because she had been spayed a few days before. Jad had to put petroleum jelly on her incision.
     Later we took her to play with the other dogs we were watching. She was a little nervous, and kind of hid out on her own. She felt safer having Casey cuddle her.
    During the first few hours of owning Lola, we tried our hardest to figure out another name to call her. We thought of names like Oreo, CC (for cookies and cream), Peppermint (or Puppermint) Patty. I was pretty sold on Puppermint Patty, and Casey liked Oreo, but it just didn’t feel right. Then, as we were walking around our neighborhood (mostly carrying her since she wouldn’t walk on a leash), I thought of the name Lottie. I loved that name from the Phantom of the Opera. Casey kind of liked it but wanted to know what it meant. I looked it up and realized that Lottie was short for Charlotte. Casey then exclaimed that he liked the name Charlotte, and that was what he wanted to call her. I wasn’t so sure, but he was. And so, Lola became Charlotte.
    It was so exciting having our little pup, and having a new name for her, and having everything she needed. 
    There were challenged, though, like teaching her to walk on a leash, which took nearly a week. Having accidents in the house was also a challenge we had to overcome by taking her out every hour. 
    The really hard thing, though, was that Jad realized he was allergic to Charlotte. She made him itch around his face and neck. Uh oh. Well, we had told the children that we may have to give her back. We told Casey about Daddy being allergic, and he just wasn’t having it. He said he loved Charlotte and didn’t want to give her back.
    It was Conference Weekend. After one of the sessions of conference, on Sunday I believe, we prayed together to see if we should keep Charlotte. I remember feeling a strong impression that we should keep her. 
    Jad said his itching wasn’t so bad that he couldn’t function. He just decided not to hold her and cuddle her as much. I was happy I didn’t have to give up this sweet little girl. 
     We were really smitten with Charlotte the first couple weeks. We expected accidents in the house, and things to be chewed up sometimes. She even chewed through our lap top cord. Jad fixed it, and she did it again. It was hard, but we tried to stay patient.
    After we had her for a week we took Charlotte to a friend’s wedding reception. Everyone just loved her and said how well-behaved and gentle she was. My friend, Hayley, loved her so much, I thought she was going to take her home. She also surprised us by jumping into the river and swimming around. It was so cute and funny. We were thinking, wow, if everyone just loves her so much, and says all these nice things about her, we can definitely get through this hard puppy time.
    We also ordered a lot of stuff to help her not chew, destroy, and have accidents. We got her a doggie bed to hopefully keep her off the furniture (she had been having accidents and chewing on it). We also got her a tether so she could play outside. We had to get her some new, more durable toys too. 
    Rigel loved playing outside with Charlotte, or just sitting under the trampoline with her.
    Jad had the idea to enclose her a bit in the house too. We got a baby gate enclosure and set it up with her food and toys in it. This worked for a week or two until she started jumping out of it. It progressed slowly. She would really struggle to get out, but one day she just started leaping out. We then got rid of the enclosure.
    After a while, it got harder and harder to stay patient. Our cute little dog had accidents in the house several times a day, continued to chew things, and worst of all, she got scared often. She was scared to death of Jad for some reason. He would be playing or talking to her, and she would have an accident on the floor. She was scared of me sometimes too. We figured that at some point she would get over the fear and just needed more time, though it was hard to really believe that. Not long after we got her, we found out her back story was much darker than we were originally told. Even though we wanted to believe she would snap out of it, we weren’t really sure.
    The saving grace for her is that she was so gentle with the kids, at least most of them. Charlotte was always so sweet with Kamren, kissing him all the time. She didn’t care when Kamren and Rigel pulled on her or played rough with her. Casey, though, she liked to nip at, sometimes causing him a little of his own fear.
    Her beauty helped us hold out too. I mean, have you ever seen a dog with such beautiful coloring?
    Every time we thought of maybe getting rid of her, she would do something really cute, or we would see the kids just love and love on her. 
    Towards the end of May, Charlotte limped around the house a lot. One day I realized that she had a bad crack in her nail. Jad and I worked together to research what to do for her, and to patch her up. This helped us feel compassion for her. No matter what, Casey was always so in love with his dog.
    A few days, later, though, just two months after we got her, Jad and I couldn’t take it anymore. We felt like we were angry at her so much, and it was affecting our home life. I sent an email to the rescue about returning her. This is how I described Charlotte:
    She is a beautiful, playful, sweet dog. We love those parts of her. However, she pees in the house all the time (even though we take her out often), gets scared very easily, destroys many things, and sometimes bites/scratches us. We have been trying to train her, and it is going okay, but she is very stubborn. 
    Robin, from the shelter, explained that Jack Russell Terriers often play bite. She also told me about a thing called a Thunder Shirt, that is supposed to help with dog anxiety. She said the accidents might have something to do with a UTI, but I knew it was a nervous pee. I had recently read about it online.
    Even though we really wanted to get rid of her, our only option, per the rescue’s policy, would be to trade her in for another dog. I wasn’t sure I wanted to risk getting another problem dog, so I got the Thunder Shirt.
    I am not sure that the shirt worked. It was something to help us be patient and hopeful again, though. She looked awful cute in it too.
    I am telling you, her cuteness and her way with the kids kept us from giving up so many times. The picture above is her running on the outside of the trampoline, chasing Casey around it over and over. It was so cool to watch that. 
    A week later we got a break from her as we went to Charlotte, NC for a few days. Casey was on his way out to Utah for three weeks. When we got back, our friends told us that she was so wonderful and a joy to be around. They complimented her on her independence, playfulness and sweetness. We found it hard to believe she wasn’t scared, stubborn or incontinent. 
    Then Jad and I got another break from her when we went to D.C. We came back and our cousin told us she was really wild, always jumped on the furniture, had accidents, and even chewed up Rigel’s church shoe. Thank goodness we were so pumped from our vacation that the news didn’t bother us much. 
    Not long after we got back from our second vacation, I started to realize something. Charlotte really had improved a lot. She walked great on a leash. She was not getting scared of Jad or me hardly at all anymore. She wasn’t having constant nervous accidents. I could trust her in our yard without a leash because she would come when I called. She was more loving and affectionate towards me and Jad. 
    These past few weeks, Charlotte has really evolved into being a cherished member of our family. She is not perfect. She still goes upstairs when she isn’t supposed to. She doesn’t always listen when I tell her not to come in the kitchen when we are eating. She still chews up things periodically. 
    However, we have changed. We have worked hard to find out how to avoid mishaps. We have learned to really love her. Spending money on new, stronger toys for her did not bother us because she is a member of our family, and that is what she needed.
    Jad and I love spending time with her after the kids have gone to bed. It is a time we do a lot of laughing and smiling. Jad even likes to share his food with her.

    Charlotte is a unique and special dog. She can jump incredibly high. She has developed crazy strong teeth and can destroy toys quicker than I could have ever imagined. She gets incredibly excited sometimes and races all around the house. She loves each one of us, and feels so happy when we pet her and rub her. She wants to be everyone’s friend, and gives no shortage of kisses. She just wants to be around her family because that is who she loves.

    I think she has changed too. She didn’t always see us as her family. Now she does. 
    My whole point of writing this is not just to tell you a story about a dog, but to tell you that my faith has been strengthened from my experiences with her these past few months. I never should have doubted that she was right for our family. Jad and I individually felt that we needed a dog. We were drawn to her picture. We prayed to know if we should keep her. The answer was yes. I know that if we had held on to that answer, that we never would have considered giving her up. I am so grateful that we didn’t, because Charlotte is really the best dog in the world.
    Jad and I truly look forward to her growing up with our kids, and being a companion for them, and for us, for many years to come.