Tag: worth

I’m talkin’ in my sleep about YOU

There are some very special people in my life who I love with my whole soul. One such person is my beloved Nana, Lois Jordan. Today, she turns 77 years young, and I want to express my appreciation and love for her today.

When I was growing up, one of my very favorite places to go was “Nana’s House.” There was just something magical about that place. There was the front yard that we loved to run around in. There was the attic, where I would find old clothes and collect them for costumes. There was the music room where Granddad taught us piano lessons. We often enjoyed the treats from the massive cookie jar in the room. There was the great room, so beautifully decorated, especially at Christmastime – Nana would have angels all around, and the most beautifully-decorated Christmas tree you ever did see. There was the dining room, where Nana would lay out the best silverware, tablecloths, and glasses for special occasions. My favorite room, though, was probably the kitchen. Nana almost always had cookies in the cookie jar, or Peppermint Patties stashed in one of the cupboards. She would make the best toast in the world for us whenever we wanted. Nana is one of the best cooks and bakers I have ever met. We were always spoiled each Thanksgiving and Christmas with the enormous amount of food she would make. For Christmas, she would make so many cookies and other treats that we didn’t even really need dinner (but we still ate it happily). I loved that house with all of my heart. Just sitting on the porch or back deck, looking at the trees, would bring me peace. Why? Because two people I loved dearly lived there and brought a beautiful spirit to it.

Because of my Nana, I found a great love for singing. Have you ever heard her sing? She says that her voice isn’t what it used to be, but every time I hear her sing next to me in church, my mind goes back to my childhood and how much I loved to hear her sing. She was the chorister in our ward (congregation) all during my childhood and adolescence, with Granddad at the organ. What a pair they were.

You will never meet anyone more generous than Nana. She would give you the shirt off her back. I can’t tell you how many times I would admire something of hers, and she would immediately offer it to me. She loves beautiful jewelry, clothes, shoes, and decorations, but the love she has for her family is so much stronger. When I was a little girl, I remember more than once Nana taking me into her large closet, and pulling out a special gift just for me. I always felt so special whenever my Nana would give me something, even if it was something very old she thought I would enjoy.

I have always thought my Nana was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She doesn’t see that, but I truly have always thought that. From her fluffy hair to her lovely nails to her pink cheeks to her stylish shoes, she was and is beautiful. What makes her even more beautiful is her smile and her jolly laugh , complete with her tongue on her upper lip.

She is also so dainty. I love her sneeze. She usually sneezes three times in the row in a little high pitched tone, and then says “Excuse me” sweetly. She always has handkerchiefs with her. I have a couple hankies of hers, and I will always keep them.

Nana always has gum and red cream to keep hands soft. I remember growing up when would take my hand very gently in hers and rub the red cream onto my hands. It was so tender, and my hands were always so soft afterwards.

Nana is very smart and well-traveled. I love hearing her tell about her experiences, specifically to Egypt, Israel, and Jordan. I think that is why she has such a special connection with Jad. She liked him from the very beginning.

She also has a great knowledge of the scriptures. Speaking of her scriptures, she carries dried flowers in them as well as pictures of her loved ones, and even special papers, such as a poem I wrote for her when I was young. It means so much to me that she has kept it all these years.

My Nana and I share so many memories, and we also share a tradition. When we say goodbye to each other, we alternate saying the words to a song called “A Bushel and a Peck.” Ever since I was a little girl, Nana has smiled at me and playfully said, “I love you a bushel and a peck.” Then I will say, “And a hug around the neck.” Then she will say, “A Barrel in a heap.” Then it is my turn with, “Talkin’ in my sleep.” To end, we both say, “About you!” and hug each other.

This tradition means so much to me. Perhaps I didn’t realize how much until my baby shower in November 2016. I wasn’t expecting a gift from her because she had already given me one, but there it was. I opened it, and burst into tears. It was a large wall-hanging that said, ” I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” At the bottom were pictures with her and me in them when I was little and then a picture of my baby girl with my mother. It was, by far, the most sentimental gift I received at my shower, or perhaps ever.

I have always considered my Nana one of my best friends. I feel safe with her, and happy. I love spending time with her. We get together most Wednesdays at her apartment to chat and maybe watch some TV. I love watching old movies, and when I was a teenager she turned me on to them. She loves movies, and there are so many amazing ones from long ago still worth watching.

She is a wonderful Nana to me and my siblings, and a wonderful Big Nana to her great grandchildren – my children. Casey, Rigel, Kamren and Eve are so blessed to have their Big Nana near them. She loves them so much. As she sits next to them, or reads them books, or gives them little treats, I am reminded of my childhood and how much I enjoyed my Nana.

She is a passionate and opinionated woman, and always speaks her mind. She will tell you exactly what she thinks. But, even in those rare instances where I don’t agree or relate to everything she is saying, I can still hold onto the image and memories of the woman who has filled my life with indescribable joy.

We spoiled her yesterday by making her a lovely meal and ice cream cake, and giving her gifts. She was so excited about the cute things from the boys, and her camel pin. She loves camels, maybe even more than Jad does.

Nana, I love you. You are one of the most extraordinary people I know. You have been through so much in your life, and are stronger than you realize. You are more loved and respected then you will probably ever know. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. There is so much more I could say about you if I had more time to ponder and write. Granddad called you his queen. That is one of my favorite memories of him, for it showed his true love and devotion to you. Never forget how much you are loved.

Happy birthday, Nana!

February 6, 2017
When you don’t feel beautiful
I have spent a lot of time crying this pregnancy. Some of it has been tears of joy as I finally got pregnant after nearly a year of trying, or finding out that I was finally having a little girl after preparing myself to have a fourth boy. I wish I could say my tears were all joyful, but too many of them have not been.

During my second trimester, I was overly sensitive and everything bothered me. I found myself bursting into tears, thinking certain people in my life hated me, or didn’t love me. I still sometimes have episodes like that.

Lately, though, most of my tears, sadness, and even low self-esteem have come from being the biggest I have ever been when pregnant. I weigh so much more than I ever have, I have gained more weight than I ever have, I have been so much more swollen than I ever have, and because of that, I often feel ugly and gross. What’s ironic is that this pregnancy I have been the most physically active, and most mentally prepared to be better in my eating and exercise habits. Alas, though, regardless of how active I tried to be or how well I ate, my weight has kept piling on…and I am only 33.5 weeks.

Yep, I feel pretty sorry for myself quite often. Last week, my family did a series of day trips, and nearly every picture of me had me groaning in disbelief at how awful I looked. Ah, look at my fat neck, or fat thighs, or never-ending belly rolls. My husband didn’t like me deleting or cropping myself out of pictures, so I kept some, even if I felt I still looked bad.

Why am I saying all this? I promise it isn’t for pity. Maybe I want you to know I am self-aware that I don’t look healthy. But, mostly, (believe it or not), it is to help me focus on what matters most. I know in my head that outward beauty is insignificant. I don’t usually judge myself on my looks, and I am sure most of us don’t completely. But, something happens to us when we don’t look like we know we can or should. We are our own worst critics, and our self-criticism eats at us until we sob in despair at a moment’s notice and call ourselves names, forgetting who we really are and all we offer.

The other day, I posted a picture of myself from when I was 18 on Facebook and Instagram.

This was actually 14 years ago. Oddly, I thought my hips were too big even then.

I didn’t think anything of it really. It wasn’t a “woe is me” post, or a “look how good I used to look post”, but just a nonchalant wish of looking like that again. I was surprised at some of the comments I got:
1. I have those same thoughts about me! Then I look at my amazing kids, and I’m happy to trade the better body for them…
2. Beautiful then and now. The thing I noticed first about you when I moved into our ward is how you always have a smile on your face. You definitely glow.
3. Lovely, but it is good to remember there are so many more important things than our size. You are a truly beautiful person! Always!
I hadn’t posted that picture looking for comments like that, but you know what? I needed them. I needed to be reminded that beauty is not in our outward appearances alone, but most importantly, in our deeds, our words, our characters, and our hearts.

These comments reminded me of a post a friend of mine did earlier in the month. She asked:

Why is it the most beautiful women are the most insecure? If they only knew…

I responded:

Maybe they realize outer beauty isn’t lasting or most important. Maybe they don’t know what else they can offer. I wish everyone knew it was heart, character and actions that make you attractive and confident.

She agreed and sweetly said:

Exactly!! That’s one reason I find you beautiful… You’re so kind and caring!

I was so grateful for her comment. Sometimes I don’t realize that people see good attributes in me. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes – that nobody can see who we really are – that perhaps they are judging us on our outwards looks and clothing and talents alone? I wanted to make sure this friend knew she was beautiful too, and that I appreciated her:

Aw, you are sweet! As are you! You have an infectious, cheerful smile. People need to see it!

So, yes! I am a huge believer that beauty shines in our countenances. It comes from the inside out. I have always cherished this scripture:

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

You know what I just realized? When I spend all this effort and energy feeling sorry for myself and how awful I look, my countenance doesn’t shine. On the contrary, it exhibits nothing but clouds, rain, and darkness. SATAN wants me to feel this way. He wants me to focus on what is “wrong” with me physically so I don’t take the time to build myself spiritually. He wants me to feel sorry for myself so that I feel like I have nothing to contribute, that people don’t want to be around me, and that I can’t be trusted in taking care of others since I clearly don’t take care of myself.

If you are reading this and feeling like I have been feeling, let’s give each other a virtual hug. Let’s think about what we love about each other. Let’s truly look on the heart – our own hearts and the hearts of those around us. Let’s encourage each other to remember our worth. Let’s help each other remember that the Lord will test us throughout our lives, and that those tests ultimately lead to cherished lessons.

The lessons I believe the Lord is trying to teach me during this trial are that:
1. I need to focus on the joy this pregnancy is bringing me, not the pain (physical and emotional).
2. I must keep a spiritual perspective on beauty and worth (mine and others) because that is what He does.
3. I have to hold close to those who love me most, and know they love me no matter what.
No matter what our reasons are for feeling less than beautiful, may we strive to remember that God defines beauty differently. What does your heart look like? Keep it clean and pure and strong. This is what matters to Him.
October 18, 2016
God gives you who you need

As many of you know, I have three sons, ages 11, 5 and 3. Ever since getting pregnant with my fourth child, my friends and family have cheerily and optimistically expressed that they hope I have a girl this time. Usually in conversations like this, I admit that I would love to have a daughter, but that I will be happy either way.

I have tried so hard this pregnancy to leave my heart and mind open to having a fourth boy. We talk about girl and boy names, and pray for our baby to healthy and strong no matter what the gender. I also thought of a cute way to reveal the baby’s gender to Casey, who is still in Utah and will not be home to enjoy the moment with us. I took just as much care choosing the boy package as the girl package, and truly want both choices to be exciting to Casey, and to all of us.

Late last week I decided that for this week’s Family Home Evening, I wanted to discuss with my family why it is good to have a baby brother, and why it is good to have a baby sister. We did this family night on Sunday evening (July 10) just before bed.

Kamren didn’t have anything to say, but Rigel, Jad and I had a lovely conversation. Later on the phone, I also asked Casey’s opinion. Here is what we came up with.

Why it is good to have a baby brother:

Rigel – I will play with him and be sweet to him. I will want to play with him outside on the trampoline, swing on swings with him, push him on the swing, and eat with him.

Daddy – The baby will help me be a better dad, helping me be more responsible, and diligent in giving the kids responsibilities. I will want to be a better priesthood holder and example if we have another boy. I believe that if God wants us to have a boy, there is a reason. I will be motivated to lose weight to keep up with all those moving boys. The boys will have fun playing with their brother, and Kamren will have an opportunity to be a big brother to a boy.

Mommy – We will not need to go shopping for boy stuff because we have what we need. The boys will have another automatic best friend. The kids will have a lot in common and will play together well. We will have another future worthy priesthood holder in our home. I will have another boy to cuddle with me, and to motivate me to do sports. God gives us who we need, so a boy will be wonderful.

Casey – I will have someone to play with and be a friend to, who I can help learn and grow.

Why it is good to have a baby sister:

Rigel – I will play with her in my room, play outside with her, push her on the swing, and jump on trampoline with her. I will rock in the rocking chair with her, be gentle with her, and have fun with her outside with Mommy.

Daddy – I will be protective of her as her Dad. Having a girl will help me to watch what I say more. It will be a great feeling to have a girl, and will be a new experience for me. I will get to do her hair and do girl things with her, like make up games, playing with barbies, and teaching her how to sew and cook (two things I am good at).

Mommy – She is a girl so it would be nice to have another girl in the house. It would be so fun to dress a girl, and have girl stuff in the house, like dolls, ponies, princess movies and books, tea sets, etc. We will be able to do the Young Women’s program and Girls’ Camp together, and talk about girl stuff with each other. I can tell her what I know from my experiences too. Hopefully the boys will calm down a little with a sister, and be protective of her and gentle with her.

Casey – There will be someone for Mom to play with. It will be nice to learn how to have a sister, and to be gentle with her. She will be someone to play with and be a friend to.

Having this conversation really brought me peace. It was interesting to me that Casey and Rigel generally had the same reasons why having a baby brother or sister would be good. I had no doubt my boys would be happy either way. Jad and I had more complex, and differing reasons as to why having a son or daughter would be good, but we had plenty of good reasons for both.

When I found out Casey was a boy, I was overjoyed because just the idea of having a baby was amazing. With Rigel, I was surprised he was a boy because I was convinced he was a girl, but I wasn’t sad. But when I saw that little boyhood in my third ultrasound, with Kamren, I admit I was upset and had to get the pizza buffet at Pizza Hut to recuperate. That afternoon, when I told Casey that my third was a boy, he was really upset. That forced me to think of the blessing having another brother would be, and Kamren has truly been such a cherished blessing in our home.

All three of my boys are precious to me, and I can’t imagine my life without them. I truly believe that God gives us the children we are meant to raise.

I woke up this morning (July 12) excited, but nervous. On the way to UNC Hospital, I told Jad I was more nervous than I was before going on stage for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because this knowledge will help change the direction of our lives.

We got to our appointment a little early, and everything went very smoothly. It was only minutes until I was sitting in the chair, having warm goo put on my tummy.

Rigel, Kamren, Jad and I looked at the screen, and got to hear the baby’s strong heartbeat. After some measuring and looking around at vital organs, I knew the gender reveal was coming up.

I never took my eyes from the screen, and then as I saw the camera go between the legs, I heard the ultrasound tech say the word “boy.”

Confusion came over me as I looked again. I said, “I don’t see a penis,” right as she started typing “Girl” on the screen.

“It’s a girl!” I exclaimed, my voice breaking as tears started streaming down my face. She had been asking if my oldest was a boy, not telling me I was having a boy.

Jad got emotional too, staring at our baby girl in wonder. I could see his excitement as he thought of the possibilities of being the Daddy of a little girl.

We were both so happy, it was overwhelming. The rest of the ultrasound was dedicated to the health of our baby, with some cute pictures here and there. I loved how the tech talked about “her” feet and “her” stomach, helping us really live in the moment.

Rigel really enjoyed the ultrasound, and could recognize a lot of the body parts. I really think he will go into medicine someday. Kamren’s behavior consisted of moving around in boredom, and occasionally making sure I was okay (he is very protective of me.)

We had to wait for a few minutes for the tech to show the photos and information to the OBGYN on duty. While we waited, and noticed the boys acting crazy as usual, Jad talked to them about having a sister and about how they need to be gentle with her.

When the doctor came in to see us, she optimistically informed us that our baby is growing well and is healthy.

Knowing our baby is healthy is even more wonderful than knowing she is a girl. We beamed all the way out to the car.

Jad suggested that we say a prayer before leaving the hospital. I said it, and I thanked Heavenly Father with pure gratitude for the ability to have the technology to know the gender of our baby. I couldn’t control my emotions as I thanked Him whole-heartedly for the opportunity to raise a little girl. It was a sweet, Spirit-filled moment in our minivan.

We spent some more time together as a family before Jad went back to work. It was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-Fil-A, so we took the opportunity to get free breakfast.

All the while, I anxiously awaited to hear Casey’s reaction to opening package A. I finally heard from him just before 10AM. He was quite tired, having just woken up in California, but expressed his excitement over having a little sister.

I had sent him two DVDs. In the Girl package (labeled A), was a triple feature of The Swan Princess 1, 2, and 3. I thought it would be cool to send a princess movie for a girl, and a prince movie for a boy. I sent The Swan Princess specifically because one time I suggested the boys watch it and Casey said, “Do we have to watch princess movies?” My reply was that someday he may have a sister, and then he will definitely be watching plenty of them.

On the back of the DVD was a little note card for Casey to write his feelings. He wrote: I am so happy to have a sister to play and be a friend to.

After talking to Casey, I was able to message the rest of my and Jad’s family with the good news. I have loved reading their responses.

My mom said: I knew it! I am sooooo excited! Congrats my daughter!

And she did call it. She told me before that she knew it was a girl because she had had a dream about her. I must admit that last night and this morning, I had a feeling in my heart that I would be having a daughter too. I love the way the Lord speaks to us.

My cousin, Lisa’s, reaction very closely reflected my own: …Even if it was a boy I would have been ecstatic!…She’s got 3 big brothers who’ll watch over her and protect her…I am so happy and excited to get a girl cousin! I am close to tears…

I love every person in my family, and I know that having the first granddaughter on both sides, and our first daughter, will be a great blessing to all of us. My heart is full today!

July 12, 2016
The Cries that Go Unheard
Sometimes you just feel that you have to write about something. I feel that way tonight. I am writing about something I am completely passionate about. Why have I not written about it before, you ask? I didn’t feel compelled to. Now I do.

Many people who are passionate feel the need to spout out statistics, post sarcastic memes, name-call, or Bible bash. I am not going to do any of those things. I am going to speak from the heart, and defend the defenseless.

You know what I am talking about, don’t you?

In our modern world, we can’t go a day, or even an hour, without hearing about people’s rights to do or say or think something. Sometimes, people wish for their rights to be fulfilled by taking away the rights of others. In this case, I am referring to the rights of an unborn child to live, to love, to make decisions, to thrive, and even to fall.

I can’t think about abortion without tears coming to my eyes. I don’t wish to villainize any woman who chooses to abort her baby. I simply wish to speak the words of my heart, in hopes that someone will listen to the cries that go unheard.

There have been so many stories in books, movies, and real life, of people who reflect on their lives with regret and despair, who wish they had never been born. Inevitably, someone, whether an angelic being, or a loved one, will help them remember all they have done to affect people’s lives, their community, and even the world, for good.

George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life

Think, for a minute about the concept of never being born. There are millions, billions, of humans that will never be born due to the practice of abortion. Think of all they will never be able to do, or say, or think, or change. We don’t tell our loved ones that the world would be better had they never been born. Most people on this earth bring goodness, bring knowledge, bring ideas – who have we denied that opportunity to? And who and what are we missing out on through this denial?

What if the people who would discover the cure for cancer, or technology to travel to other planets, or advances in solar power, or ways to feed and water the world, were aborted by their mothers? Hopefully someone someday will find these answers, and more, that plague our world, but the more people that are born and given the opportunity to make a difference, the more likely these problems are to be solved.

If you read the stances of pro-life verses pro-choice advocates, you can see at least some sense in both sides, whether you agree with them or not. I do agree there are some instances when abortion might be necessary, though I believe that decision must be made with sincere thought and prayer. I can’t answer every question, and do not wish to refute the stances of those I disagree with.

Here is what I do know:
1. A baby is a work of creation between a man and a woman. Every child who is born is unique, with his/her own individual worth, and so much to offer if given the chance. How do I know this? Because I look at my own children with adoration. Each will do something different with his life. As long as I love and nurture each of them throughout their lives, and teach them what is right, they will be instruments for good in this world. I also know this from looking at each of my siblings and myself, by looking at my husband and his brother, and by looking at each and every person I have ever known. Everyone is different, interesting, and amazing. No human being is just disposable, and an unborn child becomes a human being just like you and me.
2. A fetus moves, a fetus feels, a fetus has a personality. I have felt it each and every time I have been pregnant with my three children (and one on the way). I had an ultrasound with my current pregnancy at about 12 weeks, and my husband and I smiled adoringly at each other as we saw our little baby jumping up and down in the womb. A fetus isn’t just a sack of cells, but a unique individual, a perfect blend of his father and mother.
3. A fetus may not be able to live outside of his mother’s womb until a certain time, but then, a small child cannot live on his own if abandoned either. A child, unborn or born, needs his mother to nurture, love, and protect him. This adds more value to him, not less!
4. Something that is wrong is wrong, whether legal or not. Laws should be there to protect, and to advocate for peace, rather than to bring convenience to those who would make unwise, and possibly unsafe, decisions.
5. Accountability is a trait that is admired, and expected in this world. It is important that it is consistently expected, especially since we can’t choose the consequences of our actions. Abortions are not necessary in most cases. It is true that there are many women who don’t want babies, or who can’t afford them, or who aren’t in a mental/emotional position to take care of them. However, with proper education, and safe practices, unwanted pregnancies in most cases, can be avoided. Without educating about, or expecting these precautions, society is telling girls and women that they do not have to be accountable for their actions, and that there is a painless, safe, easy way out. Except, there really isn’t if you look at the big picture.
6. Abortion affects not only the mother and baby, but the father of the baby, as well as immediate/extended family, and possibly others. If you abort your baby, you can’t take it back. It is permanent, and rather than taking away all your problems, it can cause so many more.
7. I believe with all of my heart that God weeps over every single child that is aborted. Those are His children, as are all of us. He created every soul, and wishes all to be able to live a life on earth, to have a body, to make choices, to love, to grow, to flourish. Why is it that most see the wickedness of murder and the tragedy of suicide, but often do not feel the lament of abortion?
8. It doesn’t matter when life begins and when it doesn’t. We cannot know that for certain, and it may be different for each baby. Government, people – we can’t make those decisions about when it is acceptable to abort a baby. What is “decided” makes no difference to the fetus who is being torn apart, and robbed of the rights, privileges, and blessings of living on this earth.
9. The world would be at peace if loving was what we did best – not arguing, not hating, not fighting for the sake of fighting. Nobody can argue that abortion is an act of love. Who can say that she loves her baby so much she will abort it? Living is always better than being denied life. Look at your own life. Even with all the trials and heartaches you go through, is there not sunshine? Is there not accomplishment, fulfillment, and joy? Is there not hope and faith?
10. Being a parent is the most rewarding role I have ever held in my life. My heart hurts for the women and men who cannot have children. I can only imagine how they must feel yearning for a child every day, and seeing how millions of women do not see the blessing that is right in front of them. God will provide a way for women to care for their babies if they have faith in Him, and take on the responsibility with real intent, but should they not wish for it, adoption provides a blessed opportunity for parenthood to those longing for it. Motherhood is really hard, and really taxing, but I would never even think to possibly imagine giving my children up. They are my joy, and they bring my husband and I closer together. Our children give us real purpose, help us be humble, help us see clearly, help us choose wisely, and help us love completely. They help us see God in our lives, because as He is the divine Creator, we are also co-creators with Him.

The unborn child cannot speak for himself, cannot protest, and cannot plead his cause. But, I always will. God expects it of me because of what I know.
June 30, 2016
Are they RIGHT about me?

Compliments are meant to lift us up and make us feel good inside. But does criticism also have a place in our lives?

Whether we realize it or not, people are constantly saying negative things about us, either to us or behind our backs. My son had a bad experience last week at recess when a boy was picking on him. He was getting in his face and telling him what an awful basketball player he was. He was mean and condescending. It hurt Casey’s feelings. When he told me about it, he said he knew what the boy said wasn’t true, but I heard a tinge of doubt in his voice.

So, how do we know if a disapproving comment made to us about our skills, talents, character, etc., is true? How do we know if we should take it to heart, or change, or give up?

I think the easiest way to know is to follow the “WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY HOW” method. I exclude small children from this method because pretty much anything they say is done without a filter, and the good, bad, even the ugly, is usually true, much to our embarrassment and dismay. (You know you are thinking of a time and nodding.)

WHO is the one making the comments about you? Is it someone who knows you well, someone who cares about you, someone who you trust, or is it someone who generally doesn’t speak to you or get along with you?

Now, sometimes the WHO is tricky, because even the people who are supposed to love and care about us the most can say things that aren’t true.

Another important thing to consider is WHO else has said these things about you? Was it just this person, or are there others? Has anyone told you the opposite, and do you trust that person? In my son’s basketball situation, two of his close friends comforted Casey by saying that they thought his basketball playing had readily improved over the year, and that he does a great job.

WHAT is the person saying? Is the person using words like always and never? Is he using words that belittle or uplift? Is he saying things that you already know or suspect are true, or things you have never thought about before?

The WHAT is also tricky, because when under extreme stress, sadness, etc., sometimes even the kindest people say hurtful things. Additionally, sometimes we are unaware of our own downfalls, weaknesses, and bad habits. Let’s keep thinking.

WHEN is the person talking to you? Is it during a fight, or is it when you are speaking calmly to each other? Knowing the WHEN can help you determine if what the person said was rational, or just based on heightened emotions.

Also, think about how many times a person has said the same thing to you. Oftentimes, especially if someone we love says something multiple times in different occasions, there is truth to it. In those cases, even though the first couple times the person said it, he may have said it calmly, don’t be surprised if that calm becomes irritation or anger.

WHERE are you when the person says these comments? Are you in public where everyone can hear, or are you in private where discretion is appropriate? Sincere compliments are often quite appropriate to be said in public settings, but criticism is normally best said in private. So, thinking of the WHERE can help you determine if the person is trying to help you or hurt you.

HOW is the person making these comments? Is he angry and irrational, or is he trying to be objective and helpful? Is he in your face and yelling, or is he calm and focused? Is he engaged in the conversation, giving you eye contact? How is his inflection? Is he frowning, smiling, scowling, laughing?

Someone who really wants to help you will act a certain way. I think you can guess how.

WHY is perhaps the hardest of all, because that is something we often have to figure out on our own, based on past interactions with a person, and based on the other questions we just discussed.

Since there are some cases when criticism is positive, and necessary for personal growth, then there must be people who offer it with the best intentions. I believe that the people who truly love us want to help us be the best we can be. So, in appropriate moments, they may gently mention opportunities for improvement.

On the other hand, someone who doesn’t care about your best interests doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings or if what he is saying is even true.

He may be saying those things because he is envious of you, because he has been treated similarly by others, because he is insecure or unhappy in his own skin, or maybe even because he has a mental illness and cannot control all he says.

I went through a time in my life when the person who was supposed to love me the most, treated me the worst. I was often called worthless and unimportant. Was it true? To him, perhaps. To me? Well, it ate at me, and even though in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t true, I couldn’t believe that someone who loved me would talk to me that way. There must have been a WHY. For this person, I believe part of it was self-inflicted shame because of harmful choices he was making and hiding from me.

I think the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE AND HOW are what help us know if what someone is saying is worth holding onto, but the WHY helps us understand, and hopefully have compassion on that person – enough compassion to forgive and move forward.

Doesn’t all this seem obvious? Yet, it isn’t. I have spoken to so many people damaged, seemingly beyond repair, because of hateful, often repeated, attacks to their character, talents, education, relationships and lifestyle. Even when they know that something shouldn’t be true, hearing it makes them doubt themselves, and fear that it could be.

If you are one of these people, know that you are doing better than you think you are, and certainly better than those who verbally abuse you.

Every person on this earth is a beloved child of God. We all have that going for us, and Christ atoned for us all. Nobody is better than anybody else. Pride is a big cause of verbal mistreatment.

Let us all try to be humble, and see our own weaknesses clearly before we point out others’. And if we do point out others’ faults, let us do it appropriately, in love and gentleness, with a true desire to bless the lives of others.

May 26, 2016
1, 2, 3, 4!!!

Last June, I started to have this great desire to do something. I told my husband, but he wasn’t quite on board with it. I was a bit surprised, but patiently waited. Two months later, he decided that my idea was a worthy one. So, we set to work to accomplish this desire.

Except, it didn’t work out. Nothing happened. We knew it was a righteous desire, but apparently it wasn’t the right time.

Hope and anticipation turned to more and more months of disappointment, which started to creep into worry.

Then, in late March, I had an exciting realization that our desire might be coming to pass. We tested out my theory, and found that I was right. Jad was in disbelief at first, but then it hit him, and flutters of excitement and yearning took hold in both of us.

Over the last few weeks, we have told some of you about this reality, and Rigel has told every person he speaks to. But, now it is time for us to officially announce that:

A new Al-Bjaly will be joining our family at the end of this year! In case you couldn’t tell by my quick weight gain, and overly emotional and tired self, I am pregnant, and couldn’t be more thrilled.

The baby’s due date is December 2, 2016.

It was hard for us not to be pregnant when we desired it, but even with my limited understanding, I see God’s wisdom in it. Kamren, my youngest, still needs that tender, loving, ever watchful attention. He is a special child in many ways – and some of those ways have made him a more challenging child. I am grateful he will be older when his little brother or sister is born. I am also grateful I was able to participate in our church’s musical Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Had I been big and pregnant, I would not have been able to be a part of it, at least not in the capacity I was in.

We are so grateful for this blessing of a fourth baby. Our children are so excited, especially Rigel, who tells everyone he sees, “My mommy has a baby in her tummy.” I am excited to see Rigel in an active big brother role.

I am also so thrilled that so many of my friends are having babies in the latter part of this year. Something about being pregnant together brings women closer.

My ultrasound to confirm due date was today, and Jad and I held hands peacefully as we got our first glimpses of our sweet baby. He/she was bouncing up and down in the womb. We laughed and knew that was definitely something our child would do.

Here are some photos for your enjoyment:

As I saw my baby, I was quietly reminded of the true miracle of conceiving, growing, and birthing a child. God designed this, and there is nothing I can do that is more sacred. I am so honored at this privilege and responsibility.

It was a special moment as I showed some of the pictures to my children.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjT2JATQrmc

Wow, we are going to have four children before Christmas! And, even if it is another boy, we will still be completely in love!

May 17, 2016
Murmurings and Medicine

Jad and I were very worried about Rigel Tuesday morning. He had a lot of swelling, discoloration, and pain on a sensitive part of his body. We strongly felt that we needed to take him to the doctor.

When we got there, I was unpleasantly surprised to find that I had to pay $100 for the visit, since our coinsurance didn’t kick in until after the deductible was met. That wasn’t fun, but I paid it knowing that my son would receive a sound diagnosis and treatment for his condition.

We love our pediatrician. She examined Rigel gently yet thoroughly, and surprisingly to me, didn’t see any cause for concern. She said most likely the cause was a bug bite, and that with some Benadryl, he would be fine.

I left the office with my little boys, suckers and stickers in hand. When I sat in the car after buckling them in, I sighed in distaste.

It was time to call Jad, who I knew was worried sick. Well, wait until he hears what a waste of time that was, I thought to myself.

Exasperated, I told him how much money I had to spend, and that there was nothing wrong with Rigel. All he needed was Benadryl. I sighed, and said I would be getting him his medicine. We got off the phone both annoyed at our new insurance.

The whole rest of the day, I found myself doubting the doctor. It must be something else – I mean, his condition just isn’t normal.

But, it hit me that night that my attitude had been all wrong. It was almost as if I wanted something to be wrong with Rigel to justify the doctor’s trip and the large bill. I had been feeling that my time and money wasn’t worth it because he was actually fine.

I am ashamed at how I acted! I should have been praising God that there was nothing to be worried about! Had the swelling been for a more serious reason, he likely would have needed surgery.

I should have been thanking people who prayed for him, and thanking my Heavenly Father for hearing my own prayers.

I should have hugged and kissed my child, and told him how much I loved him, and how happy I was that he was going to be alright.

My pride got the better of me that day, and someone didn’t want me to see the Lord’s hand, be grateful, or focus on what matters most.

Rigel is all better now. The swelling did go down with one dose of Benadryl.

Just as the doctor knows what medicines heal us physically, Heavenly Father knows what will heal us spiritually. He healed my hardened heart through the whisperings of the Spirit. I am eternally grateful for my renewed perspective, and for the safety and health of my precious Rigel.

Photo Credit: Nikki Miner Nichols

November 12, 2015
Matching My Inside

I must be crazy. I am a super busy mother of three, with a husband, a house to keep in order, a church I worship in and provide service to, a blog I love, books to read and book reviews to write, an aspiration to write my own book, and more.

Photo credit: Nikki Miner Nichols

Phew. That is a lot of stuff. Why would anyone want to add something else on?

A few months ago, I joined Planet Fitness Gym. In my free personal training session, the trainer told me nonchalantly about greens I could use as a nutritional supplement to help me stay nourished when I work out. He gave me a website to look at, called It Works. I was kind of interested, but decided not to buy them.

Throughout this year, I have brushed shoulders with multiple women who are consultants/distributors for a variety of marketing companies. All of the products are great. I have used many of the brands. These people seem to be doing very well for themselves, and more than once I have been told I would be great in such a business.

I always appreciated the compliments, but felt that I was too busy for such things, and probably wouldn’t be good at it. After all, I had tried Avon, and I never did well.

Last week, something changed. My friend Amber, who was one of my best buddies in middle school, posted something on Instagram about her business, and I lit up in excitement. I told her I was interested, and asked her questions.

My biggest concerns were about time commitment, and also if I had to do a lot outside of the home. She told me that she does almost all of her work with social media, and that she rarely does parties. I love being on social media. I am a fast typer, and I am a good writer. I could do this! I set up a time to have a phone call with her and get started with It Works.

But then a thought came to me yesterday afternoon: Mandy, you haven’t prayed about this to see if it is the right thing to do.

I knew I needed to pray, so I slowly knelt in my closet and started to do so. Immediately, I felt a swelling all around me, as if my body was engulfed in spirit. I felt warm, and tears came to my eyes, then started flowing. The answer was clear. Yes, this is the right thing to do.

So, last night, I signed up to be a distributor with It Works Global.

I don’t know why Heavenly Father wants me to do this. The obvious reason is to bring extra income to my family – we want to have more children, and Jad wants to go back to school. Perhaps it is also a way to bring more readers to my blog. Perhaps there is someone who would only be persuaded by my voice and my story to change his/her life.

I don’t know, but I have realized something: To do well in a business such as this, you have to be passionate about the products you are selling.

There are people who are passionate about makeup or cleaning supplies or oils. Me? Well, I am passionate about products that are going to help me minimize my physical flaws. I have brittle nails that never look nice. I have belly pudge that I just can’t get rid of, no matter how much weight I lose. I have issues with unhealthy food cravings. I have stretch marks, and have always struggled with skin dryness. I can see how the It Works products can change my life for the better. I also love that the market includes men. They care about their health and appearance too, and I want to be able to serve them as much as I serve women.

Photo Credit: Nikki Miner Nichols

The name I chose for my website is www.matchingmyinside.itworks.com.

The reason I chose it is that I truly believe that we all have individual worth. Each person on this earth is special and unique, with a multitude of talents and skills to share with the world. Unfortunately, as in my case, our confidence to do so can waver as we are uncomfortable with how we look and feel.

Some might think that becoming healthier and improving our flaws means we are proud, and focus too much on the outward appearance. On the contrary – if done without pride, doing this can help us shift our focus to what’s wrong with our outside to how wonderful we are on the inside.

That is my goal for myself and for others. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about himself/herself. I want people to have faith in themselves and better hopes for their futures.

Our spirits and bodies are interconnected. As we take care of our bodies, our spirits will shine forth as a light to those around us.

So, this is a new journey I am on. Should you like to join me in any way, to use the products, or sell them, please let me know. I would love to work with you.

God knows us and what we need. I am grateful for this opportunity. It will be hard to add this on to my plate, but it will be worth it!

October 20, 2015
The Boy Who Played the Piano
There once was a teenage boy who was kind, friendly, funny, and very musically talented. He spent most of his social time with girls because they were nice to him. When around boys his age, though, he smiled less, and wished to be alone. So, he often took refuge at the piano.

Most who saw him probably never knew that when he went off alone, he was actually crying out for understanding, crying out for acceptance, crying out for compassion, crying out for acknowledgement, and crying out for friendship.

This time of life was extremely painful for him because he didn’t fit the mold of his leaders’ and peers’ definitions of “manly” and “masculine.”

Most of his peers were “tough” boys, who thought it was fun to prank others, and shove and push them around. Swirlies, wedgies, and wet willies were hilarious, and no big deal, even to the adults. But this boy wouldn’t do those things because he thought they were mean-spirited.

The boys were often obnoxious or demeaning to the girls their age, but he wanted to be their friends.

Basketball was the activity of choice, but for him, it was too ruthless, and he didn’t like playing.

To be fair, the boys were all friendly when alone, but most of them became “scoundrels” in group social settings. They ganged up on those who were different, and bullied them.

My friend took the bullying really hard, but what was even worse than that, was the lack of recognition from his leaders. They didn’t see how he was being victimized, because they thought that type of behavior was a normal use of masculinity – the “boys will be boys” complex.

He didn’t feel like he could talk to his leaders about his fears, because crying, expressing frustration or sadness, was seen as a form of emotional weakness. Boys were supposed to be strong and manly. Anyone who couldn’t be strong was a “sissy.” He knew he would be told to “man up” if he came forward, instead of being met with the compassion he needed.

Most of the male leaders focused on sports and being tough, and because that wasn’t his forte, it was really hard to bond with anyone. He did enjoy being a Boy Scout, but he was stressed about how anything he would say or do would be judged.

It was a really isolating experience to feel that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. He really felt that something was wrong with him because he didn’t fit in with others’ expectations. He thought he was flawed and limited because he just wasn’t like the other boys, and could feel himself being judged with the unspoken, but clear, masculine standard.

Women and girls were easier to bond with because they didn’t normally recognize the masculine ideology. Older men were also very kind and sweet to him. They had lived long enough to become wiser, and see more clearly.

But even with the kindness of these groups of people, he still wished things could have been different with the men and boys in his life. Perhaps his teenage years and early adult years would have been happier.

When I spoke to this young man about his experiences, I became worried. I have three boys of my own, and I have already witnessed some of the stereotypes given to boys. I have also heard many accounts of bullying from my oldest, all of which break my heart. How can I prevent this? How can I spread the word that this isn’t right?

It is clear what the problems were in my friend’s life, which problems still often exist today:
1. Ranking masculine above the feminine. It is misogynistic to say that boys are “sissies” for showing any type of “femininity.”
2. Stereotyping what a boy and girl should be. Saying boys should be tough and hold back emotion is incredibly damaging.
3. Invalidating the feelings of a boy who is hurt or upset, saying he needs to “be a man.”
4. Using pejorative terms for boys who don’t follow the gender stereotype. “Sissy” is a bad word. The correlating terms for girls, “tomboy,” normally is not, though both bring pressure to conform. Why use these terms at all?
5. Giving implicit approval to mean-spirited behaviors because “boys will be boys.”
6. Dismissing qualities that don’t fit the mold of what boys should be interested and excel in.
7. Not paying attention to or trying to understand boys who are different, who are struggling, and who are crying out for help.
8. Correcting or punishing a kid for being “different.”
Implementing these unfair gender standards, lead the victims to feel that they have to conform or not belong, or bully to not be bullied.

My friend gave me some very thoughtful and profound suggestions of what adult male teachers, leaders, and even parents, can do to be an advocate for all boys, not just those that fit the “norm”:
1. Celebrate and acknowledge each boy’s talents and gifts. Give him a chance to demonstrate his qualities and talents. When my friend was growing up, he felt that only two men in his life were proud of him. It should have been much more than two. Everyone deserves to feel that those who love them and hold stewardship over them are proud of them.
2. Do a variety of activities. Sports are good sometimes, but what about talent shows, science experiments, or music lessons? Not every boy likes or is good at sports, believe it or not!
3. Get to know each kid personally. Be curious about what makes him tick, so you can know how to best minister to him. Desire to love and understand him.
4. Be careful of the words and behaviors that you use. If you want boys to be respectful and kind, you must also be that way. Bullies beget bullies.
5. Should you be tempted to call a boy a “sissy,” stop yourself from being judgmental by trying to see his perspective. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and strive to make sense of his actions. Answer to his experience, rather than to your perception. After all, you can’t say that you love him if you don’t stretch your mind to seek where he is coming from.
Perhaps the most important change should be the way men and boys define what it is to be a “man.” Where should we look to find the qualities of a man to be admired – a man to be emulated?

My friend surprised me, and humbled me, when he looked to Jesus Christ as an example of a real man.

He said that Jesus never avoided those who were different, or who didn’t live the way he felt they should. No, he spent time with everyone – the prostitutes, the lepers, the poor – everyone. He was compassionate and merciful. He showed that there is no need to fear someone who is different.

The Jews were looking for a powerful man to deliver them, to save them from Roman power, and bring them national prosperity. But, Jesus, who was the true Messiah, came as a lamb, not a lion.

Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world (St. John 1:29).

It would be unfair to say that every man who is guilty of these words and behaviors is far away from Christ. Most men likely have good intentions, but they, as do everyone else, have blind spots. Sometimes people don’t see how their behavior works against their goals of being affirming, kind, and even Christ-like.

Should you know any men who fit the character of these teachers and leaders my friend had growing up, please share this message with them. Help them see that though they may have good intentions, they could be psychologically damaging a boy who just needs their acceptance and love.

Thankfully, this boy, now man, still plays the piano, and has since become confident that he is special, smart, and that his talents are indeed worthy of admiration. I thank him for sharing his experiences with me, to help other boys like him.
October 16, 2015
Because I know what’s best for you

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I was home with my two little ones by myself one night, and my 4-year-old was winning a debate at the dinner table. He was refusing to eat his dinner, no matter what bribes – or threats – I threw out.

In desperation, I finally screamed out: “I’m in charge and you NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!”

I was taken aback when his little voice, rather than arguing, simply asked, “Why?”

My voice caught a little when I answered, “Because I know what’s best for you.”

When I said it, I felt like a huge hypocrite – no, the biggest hypocrite in the world.

It was time for self-reflection.

I inwardly asked myself, “If I really know what’s best for my son, does that include yelling, screaming, and demanding impatiently that he do something?”

My second question rolled off the first, “What is my real goal – to fill tummies and warm hearts, or to be right and obeyed?”

At that moment of anger and annoyance, the answer was clear. In my impatience, I had forgotten the real goal – the goal that would actually be what was best for him – and moved to the selfish goal of satisfying my pride.

I realized that night that Rigel just wanted to know why he had to eat his dinner before willingly doing it.

In my church’s General Conference this past weekend, I heard a message from Carole M. Stephens that completely affirms my feelings that night.

As she spoke of her granddaughter, Chloe, who had taken her seat belt off so many times, that she had to stop on the side of the road, unable to go any further, I was first so impressed and inspired by her continued patience with this small child, only a year younger than my Rigel.

After unsuccessfully re-buckling her granddaughter several times, and bribing her to keep her seat belt fastened, Sister Stephens prayed for guidance on what to do. She got the impression to teach her.

After expressing that wearing her seat belt would keep her safe, and that it would make her grandmother upset if her sweet granddaughter got hurt, Chloe finally understood:

“Grandma, you want me to wear my seat belt because you love me!”

After that, she kept her seat belt on.

Sister Stephens counseled, “We have rules to teach, guide, and protect children. Why? Because of the great love we have for them. But until Chloe understood that my desire for her to remain securely fastened in her car seat was because of my love for her, she was unwilling to submit to what she considered a restriction. She felt her seat belt limited her freedom.”

I really think that is why our kids don’t listen to us sometimes. It is because they don’t see a need to do something, or because they think that by doing it, they can no longer do what they want.

If our children see that we truly want what’s best for them, and decide what is best based on our love and concern for them, they will obey so much more willingly.

I know I am not the best mother. I have so much work to do to become the gentle, patient, tender mother I know my children need me to be. The simple experience I had with my wise son, Rigel, followed by this simple and tender message from Carole Stephens, has helped me refocus on a way that I can be a more worthy mother, wife, friend, and daughter of God.

Rigel, I promise you and your brothers that I will try harder to show you that I love you when I ask you to follow a rule. I truly do want what is best for you.

October 7, 2015