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Tag: modesty

  • About this ban…

    Since seeing President Trump’s tweet about no longer allowing transgender persons to serve in the U.S. armed forces, and then seeing the plethora of articles, comments and opinions on it, I can’t get it out of my mind.

    When I first read the tweet, I didn’t have an overwhelming sense of acceptance or abhorrence, so I decided to find out what other people felt. Here are the most common arguments I have seen for or against (these opinions do not necessarily mirror mine):

    FOR

    • Uncomfortable living quarters and shower situations need to be prevented.
    • Transgender surgery is expensive and the government should not have to pay for it.
    • Transgenders are mentally ill and unfit to serve.
    • Not everyone can serve in the military – there are physical health, age, legal status, criminal, and family considerations, etc. This isn’t any different.
    • The military is not a social experiment.
    • It is wrong to be transgender.

    AGAINST

    • Every person should be able to serve in the military – this is discrimination.
    • Plenty of transgender individuals have served our country honorably.
    • President Trump is just doing this to distract us from real problems with Russia.
    • There should be equal rights for all LGBT people.
    • It shouldn’t matter who protects our country.

    I don’t like to jump to conclusions about anything, but rather get input from all sides. I think many of the opinions of those for and against are valid (religious viewpoints are not one of them, in my opinion, though I am a very religious person).

    I wonder if there is a way to compromise here.  Since we can’t read minds or hearts, we shouldn’t assume that this decision was made for corrupt reasons and without careful deliberation (though that is a possibility). If the U.S. generals and military experts really feel that it does more harm than good to have transgenders serve in the military, how can we alleviate some of this perceived harm so that ANYONE who fits the necessary qualifications and wishes to honorably, courageously, and patriotically serve our country, can do so?

    Rather than this ban, why not:

    1. Require that all sex reassignment surgeries be paid for by the individual rather than the military.
    2. Do mental health screenings on every new applicant for the military. Anyone who isn’t mentally stable cannot serve. This way, we don’t make assumptions on the mental stability of transgenders. This seems to already be in the works.
    3. Add to the current military policies for sexual harassment, modesty, and privacy, if deemed necessary.

    So far, there has only been a tweet, so there is time to modify this new policy. What are your thoughts on how to compromise?

  • Let the Memory Live Again


    As I have been writing this blog, I have felt this bold, and dutiful desire – even obligation – to share my past experiences, mistakes, trials and heartaches with  anyone in the world who would read my words.

    If you asked me last year if I would ever make a lot of these things public knowledge, I would have laughed and shook my head, thinking of how embarrassing and humiliating it would be.

    I have pondered this change in my perspective. Why am I now so comfortable talking about really personal parts of my life? Why do I desire to pour my heart out to people I may not even know?

    The conclusion I have come to is that by writing my memories down, I can help make the lives of others a little easier, and their hearts a little lighter, today.

    Somebody can benefit from knowing that I was too scared to stand up for my beliefs in high school, when someone made the claim that Mormons weren’t Christians – and that I regretted it for years.

    Somebody will find direction in knowing that I struggled many times in my life with modesty, and that lack of it led to many poor decisions.

    Somebody will find comfort in knowing that there is someone else who has felt the pains that come from a spouse with a pornography addiction, and that there is hope for those who want to change.

    Somebody needs to feel the necessity of forgiving someone after years of holding a grudge, and the freedom that comes from it..

    Somebody who feels overwhelmed as a parent may need to hear how their struggles can be for their ultimate good.

    Somebody needs to feel that miracles do still happen, that our trials can make us stronger as we see the Lord’s hand in helping us overcome, and that the Lord will lead us in the right direction as we seek His counsel.

    In my blog posts, I try to bring a spirit of hope to resonate out.I try to emulate a spirit of love and compassion. I try to show that I am not perfect, but that I have learned from my mistakes. I try to show that God knows us, loves us, and helps us, that He has a plan for us, and that He allows us to endure trials to bring us closer to Him.

    Sometimes we have control over what happens to us, and sometimes we don’t. We have a choice to hold on to the bad, and live life in fear, bitterness and despair. Or, we can find all the good that comes despite the bad.  I have been able to forgive myself for my faults more readily now that I know I can help others find their way. I can see the hand of God in my life more, and the purpose and plan He has for me as I delve down deep into my memories of adversity.

    I thank God for this new found desire to bring light to others through my thoughts and experiences.

    I truly believe that every single person on this planet has memories that could benefit, and even change the world.

    Tell your stories. I promise it is so rewarding. It can bring you freedom from regret and heartache. It can form friendships in unlikely places. It can save a life.

    I would love to hear your stories, and I know others would too.

    May God bless you in your efforts to open your mouths and hearts to your fellow brothers and sisters. 

  • You Aren’t Weird, but Your Beliefs Are Part 2: Why Are There So Many Churches?

    Have you ever wondered why there are so many Christian churches? Has that ever bothered you? Why would that be anyway? All Christians have access to the Bible. All (well, most) Christians believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ and accept Him as their Savior; yet, there are countless denominations, and even non-denominations.

    light-of-the-world-jesus-christ-1301483-gallery

    Some of you may say that it doesn’t matter which Christian church you go to, or what doctrines it teaches, because all that matters is loving Jesus and being kind to others. The rest is up to your personal feelings.

    The two greatest commandments are in fact to love God with all your heart, mind, might and strength, and also to love your neighbor as yourself.

    However, Jesus said that if we love Him, we will keep his commandments. Which commandments is he talking about? There are the ten commandments, of course, and the higher law for those commandments. There are also countless others.

    Do all Christians keep all the commandments? Do they agree on how to keep those commandments? Are there any Christians out there who think some commandments are outdated? Here are some examples of commandments Christians churches follow/don’t follow differently:

    1. Keep the Sabbath Day holy (Exodus 20:8) – Does this just mean go to church? Does this just mean think about Jesus more? Does it mean that you spend the whole day a little differently than every other day? Is this commandment even valid anymore?

    2. Be baptized of water and of the Spirit (John 3:5) – What age should people be baptized? Do little children need to be baptized? Should baptism be done by sprinkling or by immersion? What must we do to be worthy of baptism? Who has the authority to baptize? How does one get baptized of the Spirit? Is baptism really even necessary for salvation? What was Paul talking about when he spoke of baptism for the dead?

     

     

    3. Do not commit adultery and flee fornication (Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:28, 1 Corinthians 6:18) – Most Christians agree on not committing adultery, but what about fornication? It has become more and more common for Christian people to live together and engage in sexual relations before marriage. Is this an outdated commandment, or is it still valid?

    4. Love one another (John 13:34)- This one should be easy, but it isn’t. Does ‘love one another’ mean that we accept all behaviors around us, even if we don’t believe in them? Can we still love one another but not agree or condone or vote for causes that go against our beliefs, or does that mean we don’t love our neighbor? Does this commandment trump keeping the other commandments God has set?

    5. Let your light so shine (Matthew 5:14-16) – Does this just mean that we are good people, or does this mean that we share the gospel of Christ with others? Should we be vocal about our beliefs, or be quiet about them so as not to offend those who do not share our beliefs?

    6. Throw away the things that make you sin  (Matthew 5:29-30)- Well, what things are sins? Does the definition of sin change as times change or are all the abominations spoken of in scripture still abominations?

    7. Pray to the father (Matthew 6:5-13)- Should we only pray to the Father, or is it also acceptable and encouraged to pray to Mary? How often should we pray, and should we recite prayers, or speak from the heart?

    8. Partake of Christ’s body and blood in remembrance of Him (Luke 22:19-20) – Are we literally partaking of Christ’s body and blood, or is it symbolic? What are we promising to do when we do this? How often must we do this, and does it matter what we use as representation of the body and blood? How should the body and blood be blessed and passed?

     

    Each of these commandments, and many, many others, are interpreted and kept in diverse ways in the hundreds of Christian denominations in the world. It is not only the commandments, but also doctrines which are disagreed upon. Here are just a few of the doctrines that Christians do not agree upon:

    1. The truthfulness of the Bible – Is it inerrant, or is it just a book full of good ideas? Does it tell us everything we need to know, or are some parts no longer relevant due to the changes in the world? Did all the Bible stories actually happen, or are they just ways to teach us a message?

    2. The nature of God – Are God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost three separate beings or one being? Does God have a body or not?

    3. Salvation – If we accept Jesus and are baptized, are we guaranteed salvation, or can we lose it based on our deeds? Do we have to keep the faith? Do our works help us be saved? How does repentance work? How do we know if we are forgiven, or are we just automatically forgiven?

    4. The Second Coming – Is it going to happen? Will there be a rapture? What will happen if Christ comes again?

     

    5. Life after death – Will we really be resurrected? Do people go straight to Heaven or Hell after death, or is there a resting place before the final judgment? Is there even a Hell at all? Will everyone who didn’t accept Jesus on this earth go to Hell? What is the third Heaven that Paul saw?

    6. The priesthood – What is the priesthood? Are there guidelines as to who should be ordained to the priesthood? How is one conferred the priesthood? What does one with the priesthood do?

     

    It is true that there are many  doctrines that Christians generally agree on, such as the divinity of Christ, that he was born of a virgin, that he lived on earth and died for our sins, and was resurrected. These other doctrines are essential to know, however, because our understanding of them can completely change the way we live, how we interpret scripture, and how our churches function.

    Even in the early days of Christianity, Paul chastised the people for moving away from the doctrines of Christ. He said to the Galatians (1:1-6):

    I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel: Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ. But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, If any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man. For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ.

     

    Unfortunately, I have only begun to scratch the surface of the differences in Christian denominations. Some other differences are how Christians feel about:

    1. Abortion – Even if we don’t agree with it, should we vote for it to be banned, or vote to give a woman choice?

    2. Suicide and Euthanasia – Is this the equivalent of murder or is it sometimes acceptable? Is it forgivable?

    3. Contraception – Is birth control always wrong to use, or is it okay in some or all circumstances? What kinds of contraception are acceptable?

    4. Death penalty – Is the killing of others for a crime committed ever justified? Should we be able to make that call?

    5. War and military service – Should war be avoided at all costs, or is it sometimes the right thing to do to defend our freedoms, lands, and families?

    6. Eating of meat – Is it murder to eat animal flesh, or is meat a gift from God for His children?

    7. Marriage – Should marriage be between only a man and a woman, or should any consenting adults be allowed to marry? Should priests remain celibate or be allowed to marry?

    8. Divorce – Is divorce ever acceptable? If one is divorced, can he/she remarry and remain part of the body of Christ?

    I am by no means the first person to realize the vast differences between Christian denominations. I read many articles discussing it. Most of these articles say that we should respect all Christians, regardless of disparity, and learn how to love each other. The people writing these articles usually also show sympathy that other Christians don’t know the full truth like they do.

     

    I totally agree that we should respect all Christians. However, look around. Do Christians really love and respect each other? Many do, yes. However, I am saddened at the flat out bashing and judging that goes on because of the differences Christians have. I read all the time where Christians call out other Christians and say they must not be true Christians, because Jesus wouldn’t think or do what they are thinking and doing.

    Most Christians believe they have the full truth, and they most closely follow the Lord, Jesus Christ. I fully and wholeheartedly believe there must be absolute truth in Christianity. There must be. All of the things we have discussed must have a true answer from God. He does have an answer for all the differing opinions of men and women. There is a pure doctrine. None of the doctrines I listed can be more than one way. There must be one answer. To be acceptable in the Lord’s eyes, we must keep his commandments as He intended for us to keep them. We must know the truth. How do we find it?

    The answer most commonly given amongst Christians is to use the Bible. Well, don’t most Christian denominations (and non-denominations) use the Bible? They definitely use it, and yet there are countless combinations of beliefs in Christianity. This doesn’t make sense. Don’t get me wrong –  I believe with all my heart that the Bible is true. Those who have a conviction of this are right.

     

    I have studied the Bible many times in my life, and it is a book I treasure. I know it is the word of God. To say there is not confusion, though, would be a lie. There are many verses in the Bible which are very difficult to comprehend, and many concepts are introduced but not elaborated upon. Have you ever come across a scripture you didn’t understand? The book of Revelation is incredibly difficult to fathom… there are many others as well.

    Did you know  there are over 100 English translations of the Bible? I definitely haven’t read all of these translations, but I do know from looking  at a few different ones that if you compare a scripture passage in different Bibles, often you will find that the meaning is not the same. Even more astonishing is that I have read interpretations of the same scripture from the same translation that didn’t match – in fact, they were opposites.

    An example of that is Luke 24:39:

    Behold my hands and my feet, that it is I myself: handle me, and see; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have.

    I have seen religious articles that use this verse to prove that the resurrected Christ is a spirit, and in contrast, to prove that He has a body.

     There are also passages of scripture in the Bible that make perfect sense, but appear to be contradicted in other passages. Christian denominations tend to hold fast to a verse and make it part of doctrine, but do not always acknowledge the other verses that seem to say the opposite. Here are two examples of many:

    The Nature of God

    1. John 8:16-18, 28-29

    And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me. It is also written in your law,
     that the testimony of two men is true. I am one that bear witness of myself, and the Father that sent me beareth witness of me.

    Then said Jesus unto them, When ye have lifted up the Son of man, then shall ye know that I am he, and that I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me, I speak these
     things. And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.

    2. John 1:1

    In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

    The Means of Salvation

    1. James 2:20-26

    But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar? Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God. Ye see then how that
    by works a man is justified, and not by faith only. Likewise also was not Rahab the harlot justified by works, when she had received the messengers, and had sent them out another way. For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

    2. Romans 10: 9 -10

    That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth
     unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
    There are also many positions and practices amongst Christians of all faiths that are not mentioned in the Bible at all. Individuals and denominations have had to infer God’s will based on their interpretations of the Bible – e.g. contraception, abortion. Then there are things that are condemned in the Bible, but are thought by some to now be irrelevant due to changing times – e.g. chastity, modesty, divorce, traditional marriage. There are others, though, that hold strong to what the Bible says. Who is right?
    Yes, the Bible is true, but alone it has not brought Christians together in one Lord, one faith, one baptism (Ephesians 4:5).

    Here is a scripture verse I want you to consider in the same chapter of Ephesians (vs 11-15):

    And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;

     For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:
    Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
    That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
    But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

    Is Paul talking about himself and the other apostles following Christ’s resurrection? He could be, but most Christian religions strive to follow the words of these apostles as found in the New Testament. Nearly 2000 years later, Christians still do not have a unity of faith, and are nowhere near accomplishing it.

    I have done a lot of reading on what Christians believe about prophets. I have read articles where individuals really want to believe in prophets, and feel they are needed. They just don’t know where to find them.

    There is an even stronger conviction, though, that prophets no longer exist, that they were no longer called after the twelve original apostles died, and will never be called again. After Christ gave the higher law, and completed his work on the earth, He stopped speaking to the world. All of His word is in the Bible, and no other word is ever needed to help His children live Christ-like lives.
    For those of you who do believe there could be prophets, you might be worried about the Lord’s caution to beware of false prophets. Many Christians believe that because the Lord said that, that means all men professing to be prophets in these days must be frauds. That would especially be true if Christ no longer speaks, and there is no further revelation to bring forth.
    There are Christian churches that believe their spiritual leaders, though not prophets, do receive inspiration for interpreting God’s word as in the Bible. Thus, their interpretations would be the correct ones.
    We run back into the same question again: Which church is true, and how can we tell? Let me tell you a story of someone who had this question.

    In 1820, in Manchester, New York, a 14-year-old boy was looking for truth. In his town, the Methodist, Baptist and Presbyterian churches were promoting their religions, looking for followers. They were all very convincing, but spoke harshly of each other. They tried everything to denounce the other religions.

    This boy was a believer in God, and he wanted to align himself with one of these Christian faiths. He was overwhelmed, and uncertain of which church to join, as each church interpreted the Bible so differently. He said,

    What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be right, which is it, and how shall I know it?

    This boy started looking for an answer. One night, as he was studying his Bible, he found this verse in James 1:5-

    If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.


    This verse pierced him to the very soul, and he knew that if anyone needed wisdom from God, it was him. He decided that if James was right, he could receive his answer through prayer.

    Up until this point, the boy had never prayed vocally. He chose a beautiful, clear day in the Spring of that year to go out into the woods to pray aloud to God, and hopefully receive the answer he most desperately sought.

     

    The rest of the story is best told in his words:

    After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

     But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.
     It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!


    My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join.

    I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.

    My friends, this 14-year-old boy was Joseph Smith. He had a question and he asked of God. He asked with all the energy of his soul, yearning for an answer, willing to do what the Lord would ask of him. He received his answer – an answer he never expected, in a way he never would have dreamed. If Joseph, this poor, uneducated, farm boy, really did see God and Jesus Christ standing side by side, then Christianity could become one step closer to absolute truth, and to unity of faith, for the question of the nature of God was now answered. It was answered by Jesus Christ himself. I read through the most common Christian creeds, such as the Nicene Creed and the Apostolic Creed. They all claim the oneness of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. If untrue, those statements would be an abomination in the eyes of Christ and His father, though unbeknownst to the devout followers of Christ who lived by them.

    If this vision really happened, it shows a love of God and Christ for all people on the earth, that they want all people to be united, to know the full truth as God intended, and to bring forth  more knowledge to bring clarity, rather than continuous confusion.

    Joseph’s vision was not just for him. It would bring him great responsibility, as well as tremendous oppression and persecution for the remainder of his days. His name would be known for good and evil throughout the world, and still is to this day.

     

    Joseph Smith was called to be a prophet of God and to bring the fullness of Christ’s gospel to the world.

    This is the testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and mine. I do not ask you to believe it; I just ask you to open your minds to the fact that there could be prophets on the earth today. I believe God is a loving God and He does not want us to live in confusion. Christians today live in confusion, and often worry about how to respond to an increasingly wicked, godless world. Christians are not yet united in faith. The world is not yet united in faith.
    May God bless you in your search for truth.
  • Don’t try to be hot. Try to be you.

    My mind has been going to modesty lately, and I realize I have a lot of experiences and thoughts I would like to share with you to help you see just how crucial it is.

    Members of my church think about modesty on a daily basis. You usually won’t see active Mormons wearing short skirts, low-cut tops, saggy pants, or even sleeveless attire. Why?

    Here is some of the official reasoning from the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

    Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is. You can show that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ.


    Prophets of God have always counseled His children to dress modestly. The way you dress is a reflection of what you are on the inside. Your dress and grooming send messages about you to others and influence the way you and others act. When you are well groomed and modestly dressed, you invite the companionship of the Spirit and can exercise a good influence on those around you.

    Never lower your dress standards for any occasion. Doing so sends the message that you are using your body to get attention and approval and that modesty is important only when it is convenient. (For the Strength of Youth: Dress and Appearance)

    I was also interested to see what the dictionary defines modestly as. A couple ways dictionary.com defines modesty are:

    1. Freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
    2. Regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
    I love these definitions, because they go so perfectly with the standards of my church. The way we dress does matter. It affects what others think about us; it reflects our own feelings of self-worth; it brings different kinds of attention.
    I really believe that vanity plays a huge part in how we choose to dress. There are certain ways to dress that will definitely be great for our egos. I like the second definition too, though, because modestly isn’t just about dress. Our speech and behavior can be immodest as well. Let me tell you some stories from my life to help illustrate this:
    As a little girl, there were certain clothes I liked better than others, and I would choose my clothing accordingly. All kids are that way. It wasn’t until middle school, however, that I felt pressured to dress and look and act differently than I would naturally choose to.
    I started 6th grade not really caring a whole lot how I looked. I remember wearing my mom’s old shirts that she didn’t want anymore. They were obviously too large for me. I also remember wearing some boy clothes because they were more comfortable. I was happy in this style (or lack thereof), until kids started to talk. I remember one day I wore a casual pink dress to school and paired it with dark blue Tweety Bird tennis shoes. A girl in Technology class laughed at me and said that my clothes didn’t match. On another occasion, I was wearing my favorite long-sleeved pink shirt with a satin pink bear on the front. Someone remarked rudely that I always wore the same shirt, and didn’t I have anything else to wear. I told that person I wore that shirt often because I loved it, but from that day on I made sure to wear it less.
    At 11 years old I was starting to learn that clothes mattered. People were going to either praise you or make fun of you for your clothing choices. At some point in that year I noticed that girls were starting to wear make up. I soon found some old blush of my mom’s in our hall closet, took it secretly, and then started to put blush on my cheeks after gym class every day so I would look prettier.
    Then after a summer, my parents took me to get new clothes and I started 7th grade. I remember sitting down in one of my classes and a boy saying a little too loudly for a whisper, “That’s Mandy? She looks different. She looks good!” I was wondering why that boy was saying that, but I blushed a little, excited to be looked at so differently than the year before. I recall that year making more certain I looked pretty at school. I even rolled up my shorts sometimes to make them just a little shorter. I wanted to get the attention the other pretty girls were getting. At that age, girls were starting to develop, and noticing I didn’t have much, I started to stuff my bra. I am not sure if someone told me to do that, or if I came up with it on my own, but I did it. I also took some large hoop earrings that my mom didn’t want me to wear, and wore them to school. I also remember on the days I wore button-down shirts, unbuttoning them from both ends so I showed way more skin that I should have. Why did I do all this? I knew it was wrong because on my walk home after getting off the bus, I would take off the earrings, remove the stuffing, and button my shirt. I was starting to learn that girls who dressed like that got more attention from the boys. That’s why. I liked not being the nerd anymore.
    I think I calmed down a bit in 8th grade. I wasn’t stuffing my bra anymore, but boys were still talking about breast sizes on the bus. I remember one day there were a couple boys pointing to different girls and yelling out a letter – a guess at cup size. I got embarrassed. I started thinking about it. I didn’t stuff my bra again, but I did make sure to pull my shirt down in the front whenever I could to make it look like I had something there. One day after school, right after I had gotten home from the bus, I got a phone call from a boy in my neighborhood. He told me I had looked extra hot that day, and he was wondering if I wanted to come to his house and make out. I was horrified. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t dressed like that so that boys would want to do stuff with me. I was doing it because I wanted to be pretty and just wanted attention from the boys. I didn’t know they were thinking about that. I turned him down saying I wasn’t like that. I never told my mom about it, but oh had I wished she had been home when I got home from school that day.
    In high school, I dressed pretty modestly. I think the incident in 8th grade woke me up a bit. Plus, in high school, kids just weren’t as mean. I actually was shocked when girls I knew from church would go to school and change their clothes in order to show off more skin. It really bothered me, actually. At the end of my junior year, I went to the Senior class dance because I was a Junior Marshall. One of my church friends, a Senior, came to the dance in a halter top and mini skirt. I couldn’t understand it, and I was upset by it.
    I was a little vain in high school, though. There was a time (Freshman year, maybe?) when I had to check my face almost constantly to make sure it looked good. I would hook my powder case to the drawstring in my gym shorts just so I could check my face periodically. Every time before I went up to the front of the class, I would have to check my face too. I didn’t want to look ugly and be laughed at.
    Though I dressed modestly in high school, my behavior didn’t stay so modest. Being in the theater program introduced me to a whole different way of behaving. I will say I was probably really good my Freshman through Junior year, but my Senior year was when I had my first kiss. I was in a musical called Pippin and I had to kiss the boy playing Pippin. I didn’t know this when I got the part, and freaked out when I realized I had to. I was also freaked out that I had to get under bedcovers with him in one scene. My parents laughed when I told them about it, probably because they knew I was so anxious about it and could be trusted;  I ended up performing in the musical.

    After having my first kiss during a rehearsal on stage, and then practicing kissing for months, I got pretty good at it. That opened me up to other boys wanting to kiss me, you know, just acting. I remember I would kiss random boys for fun. I just got way more comfortable with boys in general. That lead me to not always having modest behavior. Teenage boys like girls that will show them affection. Teens expect each other to have boyfriends or girlfriends. If you don’t, you are lame. Some of my friends had very immodest speech. They would talk about making out, and even sex. I couldn’t believe some of my friends were having sex. People would ask me about my sex life at school, and at work too. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so I would either be silent, or say that was personal. Was my speech modest? Well, it wasn’t immodest, but I probably led people to believe I was doing things I wasn’t.

    After high school, I started going to the Singles Ward – a Mormon congregation for Singles. I met MEN there. No more boys. Immediately I got the attention of men 3-5 years older than me. In high school, you were lucky to get the attention of someone one year older. I started dating. There was one guy after an activity who told me, as he drove me home, that he would stop the car right then and make out with me. I told him no because I had already kissed a guy that day. No joke. I had actually threatened a guy I had talked to most of that activity that he was being annoying and that if he didn’t stop, I would kiss him. He didn’t believe me. Well, I am a woman of my word… That annoying man and I actually dated for a  few weeks, and he was the first man I ever “fell in love” with. He would spend time with me, kiss me, and take me out, only to break my heart when he went back to school.
    After my first love left, I started dating again here and there. One evening, a guy who I had just been out on a date with, and who had given me a ride to an activity, asked me if I wanted to fog up the windows. I didn’t even know what he meant at the time. If I had, I would have been tempted to smack him and never talk to him again. You can see from these early adult experiences, I was still pretty naïve. The immodest people were the men I was going out with. But, I was getting a feel for why they liked me. I started to assume again that men only liked girls who were attractive to them. During my time before I went off to college, I really fell for a guy. He was so funny and sweet, and good looking. I remember one time at an activity I gave him a hug and lifted my leg around his waist to be funny. Thinking back, I have no idea why I did that. That wasn’t appropriate at all, and he told me he didn’t want me to do it. Mixed messages. So hard to figure out what behavior was best.
    Then I went off to college in Utah. From my first day there, I had men flocking to me. I went out on a date my first night after Institute (scripture class). I dated a lot of guys my first semester in college. They would all tell me how pretty I was. Many of them would try to put their arm around me or kiss me way before I was ready – sometimes I wasn’t even attracted to them. One evening, I went to a guy’s house to play games with his other friends. During one of the games, it came out that one of the guys loved my legs. I wasn’t wearing a short skirt, but he still felt he had to mention that. After the games were over, everyone went home, but the guy whose house we were at asked me to stay to talk. He told me he cared about me. He spoke words that made me want to stay with him a little longer. He gave me clothes to change into to be more comfortable.  He took advantage of me – of my innocence, naivety and trustworthiness.
    During this first semester, there was one man, only one, who treated me like a real person. He admired me for my personality – for being me. He didn’t spend all the time telling me how pretty I was. I was not attracted to him for months, but he kept being my friend and helping me. He never pressured me to date him. Then one day, I realized that I was in love with him. He was someone who saw passed physicality. He didn’t try to get me to engage in immodest behavior. I ended up marrying him… and ironically, he had a pornography addiction. What a conundrum.
    So, after two years of marriage, I was single again. I felt the lowest self-esteem I had ever felt. I was heavier because of having a baby. I was way too young to be divorced. I was desperate to find someone else. I expressed that desperation probably more than I realized, and it turned men off.
    I worked hard to lose all my baby weight, and that helped my confidence a bit. I started to try to look prettier, “hot,” even. I dated around. That seemed to help some of the men look passed my past and go out with me. None of the men I dated were right for me, though.
    At work, I started noticing that I got some attention on the days when men around me liked the way I looked. I don’t know why, but these men had no filter and would tell me straight up if they liked the way my butt looked in certain jeans, etc. One Halloween, I dressed up as Miss Scarlett because the supervisors in my department were doing a live Clue game. One of the IT men, an older man in a wheel chair, told me how much he liked how I looked. I don’t remember his exact words, just that he really found me attractive, and that I threw up a little knowing that. The outfit I wore wasn’t revealing, but looking back, your clothes don’t have to be revealing to be immodest. They don’t have to be revealing to get men’s attention. There are certain colors, fits and fabrics that make the men look a little harder and a little longer.
    Towards the end of 2007, I became good friends with a couple new people I met at work. We called ourselves “The Trio.” By the beginning of 2008 I realized I had strong feelings for the male in this trio. He wasn’t a member of my church, and I figured his values weren’t the same, but I felt this overwhelming desire to be with him. One night, he and I went to an art show that my work told us about. He went willingly because he loved art and was an artist himself.
    We had a wonderful time, and decided to watch a movie at his apartment afterwards. I didn’t think anything of it because we were just friends. He was so nice and rubbed my feet for me during the whole movie, and afterwards, I was ready to go home. He told me how attracted he was to me. I found this as a complete shock because he had never told me he had feelings for me.
    Well, he ended up kissing me. It didn’t take long, though, before he said nobody could know because I was a supervisor and he wasn’t. For months, I went through a roller coaster “relationship” with him. He kept telling me that we weren’t right together, but he was just so attracted to me at the same time. I found myself not dressing as modestly as I should. It wasn’t that I was wearing really revealing clothing either. I just made sure to show just a little bit of cleavage, wear really beautiful and flattering clothes everyday, and walk, talk, speak and look at him just right. Where did I learn how to do all that? I still don’t know. But I knew how to swing my hips just right, bend over at the right moments, ask him about how hot I looked that day, smile with my eyebrow raised and my lips pursed. That was how I got him to stay along with me, and not totally let go.  Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t playing him. I was madly in love with him, in fact. I wanted to marry him. He knew my son and got along well with him. I helped him get a promotion at work. I talked to him about religion all the time. He, however, even though he said he loved me, treated me like a doll. He would put me on the shelf whenever he was done with me. He would act tenderly with me, and then turn around and tell me we couldn’t be together.  It was terrible. We ended up never really being together as a steady couple.
    I realized throughout that time, though, that other men looked at me a certain way when I looked good. They would follow me with their eyes, almost hungrily. It was a little creepy at first, but then I learned to relish it because at least I was getting attention. Maybe some of the other women at work were even jealous of me.
    I got out of this phase when I met another man (a member of my church) a couple months after my work love ended. I never felt a need to talk, act, or dress immodestly with him. However, I still tried to look “hot” most of the time so that he would stay attracted to me. I guess I never really realized he grew to love me for me, and not how I looked. My relationship with him didn’t work out, though, because of personality issues and goal differences.
     Then I met my wonderful future husband, Jad. When I first met him, we were at a church dance. He had a very strong accent and I didn’t understand him well. All I knew was he was really handsome, knew how to dress, and smelled amazing. My first attraction to Jad was looks (and smell). His first attraction to me was also looks, so he tells me.
    The thing that was different was that our relationship never dwelled on our looks. He fell in love with me and I him for reasons having nothing to do with looks. He accepted my past without judgment. I wanted to look beautiful for him when we were first getting to know each other, but I never felt I had to look perfect. We went out and did activities where I didn’t always look my best. He loved me anyway. I never dressed immodestly with him. I never spoke that way, or acted that way either. In fact, I never liked it when he would call me “hot” or some other word like that. I was different. I think after my work love, I realized that when someone said he loved you, it wasn’t always love. Sometimes it was lust, and it stemmed from immodesty.
    I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years. You might be wondering if I have let myself go. No, I haven’t , actually. I still care about my appearance, but I don’t wear make up every day, and I don’t take nearly as long to get ready anymore. I don’t leave the house every day making sure I look “hot” or “sexy” before I get in the car.
    No, I don’t care about looking “hot” anymore because I have learned from all the experiences I just told you that when someone’s goal is to look “hot,” a lot of things happen:
    She forgets who she really is and what makes her special, and starts to become something she isn’t. She starts to make looks a priority, becoming vain. She desires men to desire her, and is often successful. She is viewed outwardly so penetratingly, people assume that is who she is inwardly. She starts to make poor choices because she does not have the Holy Ghost right there with her warning her of temptation and testifying to her of truth.
    There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, sophisticated, beautiful, or well-dressed. It is not vain to take care of yourself, and to help express on the outside who you are on the inside. There is something wrong, though, with turning away your self-respect just to gain attention. Your outside should match who you want to be on the inside.
    When I dressed immodestly, or acted or spoke as such, that wasn’t me. I am not by nature a vain, selfish, immoral person. I was starting to become that way, though.  I also found myself being different in different places. I was a hypocrite. I didn’t want my fellow church members, or my parents, seeing me act that way. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. I care now, and that is why I have written all this.
    The stories I told each of you are very personal, and at times embarrassing. I told them so that you can see what I have come to know. I want the young girls, just starting to feel the pressure, to know that they should remain true to themselves. Don’t change your clothes, speech, or behavior to try to be popular or to get attention. Be you, and be the best you!