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Tag: love

  • A tribute to my siblings

    I am the oldest of four. My brother, Aaron, is two years and two months younger than me, and my other brother, Mark, is five years and two months younger. My only sister, Mariah, is eight years and 10 months younger than me. 
    My relationships with each of them have ebbed and flowed over time. I love them all so much, and wish to share my strongest memories and feelings about each of them. 
    Aaron 

    When we were little, Aaron and I were best buds. We colored out of the same coloring books at the same time. Sometimes we did coloring and drawing competitions. Most of the time we didn’t cheat by tracing, but sometimes we did. 
    Aaron went through a phase where he drew countless pictures of Jafar from Aladdin.
    We sang Disney songs together in the fan, to make our voices vibrate. He played paper dolls and barbies with me, and I played trucks and Ninja Turtles with him. He would wake me up early on Saturdays to watch all of our super hero cartoons. We also watched tons of movies, mostly Disney (his favorite was The Little Mermaid and my favorite was Lady and the Tramp). 
    It wasn’t all roses, though. We had arguments over whether long noodles were called “spaghetti” or “basghetti.”
    Sometimes I would blame him for things I did (my parents always assumed it was Aaron, anyway). Once, I was in my parents’ room and I saw a dark pink jar. I turned the lid to open it, and I accidentally spilled out this strong-smelling liquid (I found out later it was used to clean jewelry). I quickly got my mom’s towel from the bathroom, and sopped it up. My mom always had a long doily thing on her dresser then, so I know it got soaked. I think I left it there. My dad questioned us that day. When he asked me if I did it, I denied it, looking down at my food. When he asked Aaron, he said “I don’t know. It’s possible I did it.” I think he ended up with the blame, but didn’t get in trouble. Yep, I was a good sister. 
    As we got older, and I bloomed into adolescence, Aaron and I seemed to fight more than get along. At an age where I locked my door to get some peace, he took that opportunity to be as annoying as possible. He would stand outside my door and start making this weird clicking sound with his tongue, making it louder and louder (we called it the “tongue thing”). Then, he would stick his thumbnail into my lock, and slowly unlock the door, all the while making that maddening sound. I would scream, run to my door, and press all my weight into it so he couldn’t get in. I would prop my feet up on the wall in front of my door, even, just to keep him out. Sometimes, he would employ the help of our little brother, Mark. I couldn’t win then, not even with propped feet. 
    That is the face of an annoying brother for sure. 
    Aaron would also be annoying at the dinner table. I remember one night, while we were reading scriptures after dinner, he made me so mad. Every time he read a sentence, he would sniff, loudly. Like EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wanted to smack him. I tattled on him, but my parents were completely unaware of how he was trying to ruin my life. 
    I am still not done. We had three couches in our family room, and two of them were good for TV watching. Well, Aaron would always sit on the same couch as me. He would perch so that his butt would be up in the air, facing me. He did it on purpose to aggravate me. I hated it when he taunted me with that heart-shaped bottom. I would always lift my leg up high, and bring my heel down hard on his butt. He would just laugh, which drove me even more crazy. 
    As he became an adolescent, all this annoying stuff died down. I wish I could remember a lot about our relationship, but really, I just remember that I put him down sometimes because I was jealous. At one point, a girl at church really liked him, and I was upset because I didn’t have anyone who really liked me. I remember telling him that she flirted with other boys, and he shouldn’t go out with her. I wasn’t always sensitive to my brother’s feelings, and I regret it now.

    Even though I wasn’t always a good sister to him, and he was kind of annoying, he was always a great friend to others, hilarious, loving, and a very talented pianist. 


    Aaron and I didn’t see each other much for the years after I graduated high school. It wasn’t until a few years ago, that we started to reconnect, and even then, he had times when he lived other places. He is about to go to Peabody Conservatory in a few short months. 
    I am really going to miss him. He is so intelligent, funny, loving, sensitive, talented, humble, among many other things. He is the best uncle in the world to my children. They love him so much. He is so much still like a kid himself, so he is so much fun. I can always have a great conversation with him too. 
    Thanks for being my brother. I love you.
    Mark

    You already know that Mark would help Aaron unlock my door. 
    When he became a toddler, after his cute baby stage, he became our annoying younger brother. Aaron and I would try to play, and Mark would want to play too. Didn’t he realize he was in the way?
    Once, we were all lying on the floor playing, and I thought it would be fun to take my gum out of my mouth and slowly string it onto Mark’s hair. Oops, I couldn’t get it out. In a panic, I got some scissors, and cut the gum out. Later, my mom was worried, thinking Mark had a bald spot. I felt guilty and told her the truth. I learned that day that peanut butter will get out gum. I am sure I got in trouble, too.
    Mark was a cute little boy. He was really chubby, with kind of buck teeth. He always wore huge t-shirts to bed without shorts. I remember he would sit in chairs and we could see his underwear. Aaron and I would giggle about it. Once, I drew him in my “journal” (Aaron and I had composition books we drew in). 
    When he got older, he and Aaron played all the time. They had separate rooms, but ended up sharing because Mark always wanted to be with Aaron.I think when Mark and Aaron became close, was around the time Aaron started to be annoying to me. 
    I don’t remember having a really close relationship with Mark. He was so quiet, and always to himself. He drew a lot. He was really talented. I, unfortunately, don’t remember having much in common with him.

    However, when he got old enough to really play without being in the way, he would join Aaron and me in our puzzle building, gameboard playing, cartoon watching, make-believing, and trampoline jumping.

    As a teenager, I was really busy with homework, drama club, and, as Mark recently reminded me, singing musicals in my room (mostly Phantom). I am sure that is why I didn’t have a strong relationship with Aaron or Mark during those years. 

    Then I went to college. When I came home, Mark was still in high school, and I had a little boy.  I remember thinking Casey looked like Mark when he was little. It was nice to have Mark around. He was good at holding Casey for me. 
    He even drew a portrait of Casey as a baby for his a high school art class. That was awesome. I still have the portrait. 
     
    Mark and I have had a few good talks in our adult years, though he isn’t much of a talker. I remember one time he told me how much he admired me and how I lived my life. I will never forget that, and I appreciate it so.
    Now Mark is married to a lovely Brit named Laura. I helped Laura find her wedding dress. I set up my house for their wedding, and even made their wedding cake with Swedish fish. 
    Mark and I have more in common, now – more to talk about. We also both have love for cooking, and have made yummy things together.

     I am so grateful that he made the decision to marry Laura, and that he has stuck with her through hard times. I have very high hopes for the both of them in their continuing life together. 

    He continues to be a fabulous artist, a quality I admire greatly. I keep hoping he will get back into it, and bless others with his God-given gift. 
    Mark, I am so glad you are my brother. I love you. 
    Mariah
    I was much older than Mariah, so I helped out with her a lot when she was little. She was the cutest Easter baby ever, and the chunkiest. No, really, the chunkiest. Think Michelin man. 
    When she was a newborn, my mom wouldn’t let me hold her unless I was sitting down. I remember not liking that. I wanted to do what my mom did. I loved having a baby sister. 
    When she was about two, Mariah was terrified of the vacuum cleaner. Every time my mom vacuumed, I held her in my arms until it was over. I cherished those moments as her protector. 
    I remember fondly how she used to say “hunder” instead of thunder, and “marshfellow” instead of marshmallow.

    I remember watching Barney and Blue’s Clues with her all the time.

    She was so adorable, and so sweet. She was still pretty young when I went off to college. She was not even 10. 
    After college, my divorce, and my move to North Carolina, Mariah was at the agreeable age of 13. She was huge into jewelry. She had some cute clothes, some I even borrowed. I let her borrow some of my clothes too, like a dress for her career day at school. 
    I found a lot of her passions annoying – well, maybe one passion – a boy who didn’t treat her well that she was madly in love with. 
    Mariah and I have butted heads many times since I have lived in NC. We are so different.Those of you who know us, know what I am talking about. 
    I used to make the mistake of acting more like her mother than her sister. She hated that, and resented me for it. I have worked really hard to change that – to be a loving, supportive sister who offers a listening ear and genuine advice, minus the judgment. 
    We have been much closer the past couple years she has been out of high school. Mariah is a wonderful person. I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She and I are still very different, but we share the ultimate goal of having a loyal marriage and raising happy children.
    I admire her love for animals, her desire to make a difference in this world, her acceptance of everyone, and her giving nature. She is a hard worker. She also is a fantastic aunt. She spoils her nephews, and loves them to death. 
    I love you, Mariah. Sisters forever!
    The Thacker Kids
    Mandy, Aaron, Mark and Mariah. We are the Thacker kids. We grew up in VA, and now are all together (for a little longer) in NC. 
    We are a passionate, stubborn, hard-headed, slightly crazy, bunch. We love good food, and loud laughs. We are full of love for our family. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for raising us. You did a great job!

  • This is how we do it.

    I took the boys to the library last Monday night. I don’t usually look forward to it because Kamren always opens the elevator, he and Rigel try to run upstairs, and one or both run in the aisles. When in line to check out, Rigel was trying to touch the big screen. I asked him to stop, and went to get him when he didn’t. I then heard a voice call my name, “Amanda.” I looked up to the other young man working. He asked: “How do you do it? How do you raise
    three boys?”
    I answered that they love each other very much and are usually good boys. I chuckled as I told him that they bring me much more joy than pain.
    As I walked to the car, I felt that I needed to give this young man a better answer, and I thought about it all evening. As I started to pay more attention and take notes, I was shocked at how much thought and work goes into raising kids. After over a week of pondering, here is “how I do it:”
    Make the most of my time.
    I speed walk around the house, doing everything as quickly as I can before the kids start fighting or something gets broken. On my way to do a task, I pick up toys and books from off the floor.
    I also multitask all the time, often using one arm to do one thing, and the other to hold a child. I help Casey with his homework while starting dinner and cleaning the kitchen, or make a phone call to an insurance company while playing outside with my kids. If I put something in the microwave, you better believe I am using that minute to wash a few dishes. When there are groceries to bring in the house, I use all my strength to make only one trip.
    Make the most of nap time.
    There are a lot of things that can’t be done well when the kids are awake. During these couple hours, I usually pick up the really messy things as quickly as possible, and then spend the rest of the time doing things that I need or want to do – church responsibilities, reading, shopping online, talking to friends, planning, and blogging. You would think I would nap during nap time…
    Get some me time.
    This helps rebuild my sanity, and also helps me miss my kids. I am with them most of the time, but when my husband is home, sometimes I go work out, go to a church activity, or go to the movies with friends. Sometimes, we get a babysitter, and go somewhere fun together!
    Deal with daily destruction.
    Boys are really rough and crazy. They are constantly jumping off things, pretending to fight with “swords”, throwing things, and tumbling around.
    Every week something in my home gets messed up. We try to learn from every destructive act by putting something up higher, locking more doors, listening for when it is “too quiet,” or buying more durable or less expensive
    stuff.
    My house is also a little greasy, and I have to be okay with the fact that I can’t keep it spotless. We often find dried up food on door knobs or the wall. There are always crumbs on the floor and smeared food on the couch. We just clean it up as we see it and move on. The kids will probably always have stains on their clothing, or messy hair.
    Making a mess often makes the kids so happy, so sometimes we sit back and let them do it (or help them in the process). Seeing them make memories and have fun is more important than avoiding a mess.
     Do a lot of physical activity.
    My boys love to have piggy back rides, play “run from mommy,” pretend to be super heroes on the trampoline, and spin around so much, everyone falls down in dizziness. They want to run, and run fast. They want to be outside all
    the time. I have to somehow find the energy to do all this physical activity. Luckily, I have their dad, who can take on that role a lot of the time.
    Do activities together.
    I want my boys to be best friends. My husband and I really think hard as to what toys to have inside and outside, and what special things we can do that all of the boys will enjoy, at their very different ages. We also encourage them to play together, to hug each other, and to help each other.
     Going places as a family helps us make fun memories, and learn more about each other’s interests. It also helps decrease boredom and irritability to have something to look forward to. The kids always enjoy going to the children’s museum, the library, the playground, the park, and play dates. Sometimes we take them out to eat, to a movie, or on a trip.
    Be flexible.
    Things aren’t always going to go according to plan. Kids can get sick or hurt. The weather might change. Someone might cancel a play date, or an activity might be postponed. It is important for me to stay positive and flexible, so I can help my children do that too.
     Be silly!
    When I am having fun, being silly, and laughing with the children, they enjoy life even more. The house is lit up in joy. We do a lot of tickling, and making goofy faces and funny sounds. Much giggling ensues.
    Show love and attention to each child. 
    Our boys have very different needs and personalities, so they all need individual attention. They want to show me what is important to them. I need to make sure I focus and show them I care.
    They also communicate in different ways. Kamren barely talks, so I have had to learn how to decipher him. I often tell him to “show me,” and he takes my hand.
    All of my boys really treasure affection. It could be by cuddling, giving hugs and kisses, playing with them, or saying “I love you.” It is so important that they feel equally loved.When they are in bad moods, it is usually because they need attention, so I give extra hugs, talk to them, or tell them I love them.
    Praise and reward them.
    My boys need to see their mother as their biggest fan. I congratulate them on their hard work, hang up their drawings, attend my oldest’s award ceremonies and performances, reward my oldest when he does well on a
    report card or gets an award, and do lots of high fives and fist bumps when they cooperate, do something nice, or learn to do something new.
    Celebrate special occasions and have family traditions.
    We make every child’s birthday special. We do a special meal and cake. We usually have family over, but also sometimes do parties. We also do special things for all other major holidays. They are definitely times to
    look forward to.
    We have some fun traditions too, like whenever we make pizza or get a fun snack, we eat it picnic style while watching a movie. Every Sunday, we eat dinner with our extended family, and when the weather is good, we take walks together.
    Capture adorable moments.
    We always need reminders of how much we love and cherish our children. I feel it the most during those quiet moments when they are reading together, watching a movie together, or sleeping. This is when they appear the
    most angelic. I treasure the pictures I take and the stories I write about my three boys.
    Teach them constantly.
    I do my best to answer their questions. I read them a lot of books. I point things out, and explain things when I see teachable moments. I help Casey with his homework daily.
    Jad and I also teach by letting the kids help us cook, fix things, fold laundry, vacuum, and garden. We share our talents and hobbies with them to build connections, and expand their capabilities. For example, I teach Casey
    piano, and Jad teaches the children Arabic.
    If one of the kids is trying to do something, but struggling, I don’t just take over. I give them some time to try again before I help. Often, they teach themselves.
    Manners are also something we constantly teach. I don’t know what it is about boys, but they think all kinds of bodily functions are funny. I try to teach my boys to say “excuse me” when they burp, etc. I also remind them to
    say “please (Kamren gives me a kiss instead),” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and “yes, ma’am/sir.”
    Give them responsibilities.
    I want my children to be self-reliant and learn the value of work. My oldest has the most responsibilities because he knows how to do the most. However, the little ones know they need to clean up their toys, put their dishes in the sink, and put their leftover drinks in the refrigerator. We sing the “clean up” song a lot in our house.
    Be strict and enforce the rules.
    My kids need to know who is boss. Having a lot of rules helps discipline them, and enforcing the rules helps them learn the value of obedience and respect. “Yes, you are always going to wash your hands after using the bathroom or eating.” “No, you are not going to play and run around until after you have eaten all your food.” “You can’t play with your friends if your room and bathroom are disgusting.”
    There are so many rules the kids, especially my little ones, ignore. My husband and I have to follow them and make sure they are following the rules, and if they aren’t, we have to redirect them. If my oldest breaks a rule on purpose, there are consequences.When they hurt each other, we always make sure they apologize and give each other hugs.
     Provide for their temporal needs.
    My husband and I make sure our children are fed, clothed, rested, bathed, warm, socialized, and happy. This includes in the home and outside it (got to keep the diaper bag well-stocked). As they get older, we help them learn how to do these things themselves, but we are always focused on their well-being. Most of the time, we make sure their needs are taken care of before our own.
     Keep them safe.
    There is a lot of looking around, holding of hands, calling of names, yelling to stop, and running to catch up in my mom life. Kids do not understand how dangerous the world is, so my husband and I are constantly teaching them about looking both ways before crossing the street, wearing seat belts, staying close to mom and dad at all times, not touching certain things, etc.
    Run errands with them, even though they are crazy.
    I always kind of dread going to the store, the library, or anywhere the kids need to reigned in and quiet. The opposite always happens. I could just wait until my husband is home to run all the errands, but time with him is limited. I want our family to have fun when Daddy is home, not worry about all the things we have to do.
    Don’t worry about what everyone else is thinking, but just do my best.
    People are going to judge me for having three kids, and for going out in public with them. They are going to judge my parenting by how my children behave. It is very important for my self-esteem, my sanity, my productivity,
    and my relationship with my children, to not care what other people think.
    Even without thinking of what others are thinking, I can sometimes be hard on myself when I can’t keep the house clean, stay patient, or have the time or energy to accomplish all my tasks. I try to remember to just do my best
    based on my capacity for that day, and then strive to be a little better the next day. My children know I love them. With faith and hard work, I know I can endure all the hardships of parenting.
    Ask for advice.
    There is no instruction manual for moms. It is really hard to know what to do in every situation that comes up. I ask for help from other moms who have gone through things I go through. Often, I get really good advice on how
    to help my kids, and even how to be a better mom.
    Be united with Daddy.
    It is so important for my husband and I to be united in rule-making, disciplining, traditions, and in all other aspects of raising our children. Children need a safe haven. If Mommy and Daddy show love for each other, they will know they are safe. They will feel loved, and want to be at home.
    Keep God in our home.
    We sing a lot of children’s hymns in our house. We also read the scriptures every night, and pray as a family often. We have pictures of Jesus around the house, and talk about how He loves us. We do family nights where we
    talk about how to be better children of God.  Our sweet kids find comfort in these routines, even if they don’t always seem to be paying attention. Love is stronger in our home as we make God a big part of it.
    Pray a lot.
    My husband and I aren’t perfect parents. We really struggle with stress, lack of sleep, and concerns about our children’s behavior and happiness. We pray constantly for patience, for guidance on how to better teach and show
    love to our children, and for the well-being and safety of our family.
     I don’t parent my children alone. My husband, God, and I raise them together. That is how we raise three boys.

     

  • The Biggest lessons we learn come from the Smallest people we love

    “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3–4).
    Jesus loves and cherishes little children. God has commanded us to bear children when we are able. The greatest joys we will ever experience will be within our own homes with our little ones.
    As we conceive and bear children, we are creators of life. Our children come to us as soft, adorable, innocent babies. We love them with a true love we could never describe. As we feel this overwhelming love, we get a small taste of the love God must have for each of us.
    Our little ones rely on us for most everything they need, as we should rely on our Savior for our spiritual needs. Our children love us and trust us more than anyone, which is the relationship we should have with our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.
    One of the reasons we are commanded to bear and raise children is so we learn firsthand how to become like little children, who:
    Find beauty and wonder in everything.
    Children never get so busy or distracted that they forget to gaze at the sky, listen to the birds sing, watch the bugs crawl, pet the animals, or smell the flowers. They are truly grateful for all of God’s creations.
    Value the simple things in life.
    Little kids don’t need much to be happy. They need food to fill their tummies, clothing to keep them warm, a bed to rest in, simple toys to play with, and most importantly, family to love and comfort them. They don’t find joy in material things, but rather in their experiences with those they love most. They smile and laugh more than anyone else because they are satisfied.
    Thirst for knowledge, and are teachable.
    Children are curious, and they always have questions. They want to learn new information.  My kids would read books all day if they could, for they are learning new words, learning about different animals, and learning how friends help each other.
    They also want to learn how to do more things – things we do.  When we are cooking dinner, they want to stir the noodles or crack the eggs.  When we are picking the tomatoes from the garden, they want to help pick them too. They want us to teach them how to play sports, how to do magic tricks, how to play the piano.
    Our kids trust us to teach them what they want and need to know. We have a great responsibility as parents to teach them the right things.
    Are Active.
    As parents, we wish our little ones would just sit still and not always want to do something. What a great trait, though, that they always want to be learning, doing, experimenting, accomplishing.  If we teach them to sit around and play video games and watch TV all day, they may learn to do that, but it is not in their natural characters to vegetate. They thrive off of physical and mental stimulation.
    Love themselves.
    Little children are comfortable in their own skins. They aren’t embarrassed by their traits or personalities. They are themselves, and they love it.
    They seem to most enjoy being themselves around their siblings. They can be anyone and do anything when they are with each other.
    Make friends wherever they go.
    Once children get to an age where they start playing with others, they make friends easily. They have conversations with, and play with any kid they meet. They don’t judge by looks, age, or circumstance, and they don’t think they are too good to play with certain kids. They just see a chance to have fun together.
    Love unconditionally, give willingly, and forgive immediately.
    Little children can love anyone. They do not hold grudges. They forgive as quickly as they get angry.
    One of the sweetest things about my kids is that when they get in trouble, they want me to hug and kiss them and hold them, even though I was the one doing the disciplining. It makes it impossible for me to stay angry, and their
    unconditional love permeates through me, softening my heart.
    They also are so sweet to share their food with us, or to do nice things for other family members, like draw pictures or just give sweet kisses. Casey has gotten to an age now where he wants to buy gifts for special occasions, when he can. He bought Rigel a toy for his birthday, and this past Valentine’s Day, he bought Jad and I some candy.
    Want to be around us all the time.
    Our children cherish us. They want to be with us. They want us around to help them with their needs, to give them kisses and hugs, and just to be in the same room as them. There is nobody they would rather cuddle with, nobody they would rather comfort them when they are sad, nobody they would rather sing to them, talk to them, or tell them stories.
    My children ask about their daddy every day when he is at work or school. They are sad when he won’t be with them that day, and they pray for him. They also don’t like it those times when I am not there to put them to bed. As parents, we are everything to our little ones.
    Desire our approval.
    They get upset when we are upset with them. They want us to be proud of them. That is why they proudly show us the picture they drew, or tell us the cool thing that happened at school that day, or show us their empty dinner plate when they eat all their food.
    Can tell when we are sad, and want to make it better.
    Children’s priorities and countenances change when they see that their strong mother or father is sad.
    All my kids, even my oldest, are so discerning. When I cry, or appear low, they will ask me what is wrong with the cutest concern in their tones and eyes. They then proceed to hug me, kiss me, and tell me they love me in the ways they know how. That really does make it all better.
    Teach us to be better.
    We often hear the phrase “From the mouths of babes.” It is true. Little ones say the most profound truths – truths that are so simple, but so essential.
    My son, Rigel, when I am upset, will always ask, “Mommy, can you please be happy?” or “Mommy, can you please be happy with me?” This always stops me in my tracks. If I am distracted with something unimportant, Kamren
    will take my hand and lead me to play with him or read him a book. My oldest, Casey, though not so little anymore, will have the most wonderful gospel conversations with me. He teaches me lessons he has learned from reading his scriptures.
    Are honest.
    Little children don’t say what they think we want to hear. They call things exactly as they see them.  They are still working on tact, but what a great example they bring. It is true sometimes children lie when they are afraid of getting in trouble, but they don’t do it for any other reason. They don’t want to hurt anyone, and they aren’t trying to betray trust. As a matter of fact, when they realize that is the reaction, they are usually heartbroken.
    Follow a lot of rules, just because we tell them to.
     
    We give our children many rules, ranging from cleanliness, to good manners, to safety, to kindness, to routine. We spend much of our day enforcing them. Our children sometimes choose not to obey the rules, but much of the time, they do what we ask, even if they don’t understand why, because they love us and trust us.
    Have the light of Christ in their eyes.
    Little children are the most precious angels in our lives. They are pure. They are the most like Christ of any other people on this earth. Their countenances shine with His light.
    Jesus has commanded us to be like little children for all of these reasons and more. He wants us to apply their sweet traits into our interactions with others, as well as our devotion to and trust in God.
    Sometimes we don’t see all the wonderful things about our little ones because, in our day-to-day lives, there may be an abundance of tantrums, messes and disobedience. I truly believe that these are mingled into our lives to help
    us feel a little of what our Father in Heaven feels when we do not listen to, obey, or show love to Him. However, His love never falters and He never gives up on us.
    We must always appreciate and love our children, as they are little, and as they grow. They bring us true happiness.

  • You are Replaceable

    On January 25, 2011, I had my sweet baby boy, Rigel. Up until that day, I had been working full time at the AICPA, and had been, ironically, since January 25, 2007. When Jad and I knew we were going to have a baby, we started discussing what should be done.

     

    Very pregnant me in January 2011

    By January, after much contemplation and prayer, I was pretty sure I would not be returning to work after Rigel was born. I planned to start working from home a couple weeks before my due date to avoid going into labor at work, which was a good excuse to clean out my desk and cubicle very well just in case I wouldn’t be back. I also was going to have three months of maternity leave, and wanted to give paperwork to the right people, and effectively train the two individuals who would be doing my humongous workload when I was gone.

    After Rigel was born, and I held him and cuddled him, it wasn’t long before I knew I really wanted to stay home with him and my older son, Casey. I wanted to be a full time mother, to see my children grow and be there for every special moment.

     

    Rigel and I right after he was born.

     

    Newborn Rigel and I at home.

    I sent an email to my senior manager a month into my leave, expressing that I would not be able to return full time, but that I was willing to come to work part time if there was an opening. I don’t have a copy of the reply, but it wasn’t what I was hoping to read. I was denied the opportunity to come back, and I don’t recall any warmth or appreciation being expressed either.

    This was my Facebook status after I got the reply. I was crushed, but I was so appreciative to my friends who commented on that status, helping me know that I would be missed.

     

    Mandy Al-Bjaly

     

    February 24, 2011 ·

    is thrilled to be able to stay home with her babies, but didn’t realize how hard it would be to say goodbye to good old AICPA. I was hoping for a part-time position, but was told no.
    Like · Comment · 

     

    April 11, 2011 was the day I went to the AICPA as an employee for the last time. That was the longest elevator ride I had ever taken,this time with my husband and infant. It was the day I would have to clean out my laptop and the rest of my desk, say goodbye to all my friends and associates, and turn in my badge. The exit interview was very emotional, and I felt a part of me was missing when I walked out of those doors to my car, knowing I would never go to another meeting, QA another call, write another page of documentation, or laugh (very loudly) with the people I had grown to admire and love so much.

     

    My team decorated my cubicle the day I found out I was having a boy – 8/30/10

    I have been gone from the AICPA for four years, the same amount of time I worked there. When I see pictures of my old coworkers at work, I truly miss the conference rooms, cubicles, and the giving, fun-loving nature of my coworkers.

     

    Christine, a friend and member of my team, threw me a work baby shower at her home – 12/4/10

    I miss walking with members of my team during their 15-minute breaks. I miss sitting in the diner eating lunch, though sometimes I would only be there for a few minutes until I had another meeting. I miss team meetings, the birthday parties we celebrated, the one on ones. I even miss the meetings with management, from my department and others (except for the QA meetings. I never liked those).

    I learned so many things from my time at the AICPA – nine months as a specialist doing inbound calls, and over three years as a supervisor of different teams. I went from Phone Response supervisor, to Phone and Email Response supervisor, to Outbound Service and Retention supervisor, consisting of three groups doing three very different functions. It was challenging. At one point I had 13 specialists reporting to me. In my last supervisor role, I also worked very closely with the IT department and the Member Value department. I was constantly writing and editing documentation too.

    During those four years at the AICPA, I learned so many valuable lessons, many of which I continue to incorporate on a personal level:

    Always be kind to members/customers, even if they are unkind to you.

    I remember once a member was so mean to me that I started crying. My supervisor got on the phone and took over for me, defending me, saying I was doing all I could, and the member should not take his frustrations out on someone who was only trying to help him.

    In this job position, I was always taught to stay kind and respectful regardless of how I was being treated on the phone. Phone and email specialists are the face of the AICPA, and our professionalism weighs heavily on the perception people have of our organization.

    Ironically, the members and customers who got the angriest usually got what they wanted – something they didn’t deserve. At what cost, though? Crushing a specialist’s self-esteem, bullying your way to what you want, and being talked about in the office as a difficult member?

    Kindness and courtesy go a long way on both ends.

    If you hold yourself to a high standard of excellence, you will be asked to do more. As you take on more responsibilities, and do them well, this will lead to greater opportunities.

    I was thrilled to be promoted to supervisor after only nine months of being a specialist. It was such an honor, and I think one of the reasons I got promoted was because I was constantly asking for special projects to do. I expressed interest in learning more and doing more, all the while doing my best in my required functions.

    To be most efficient in a work environment, you must also have fun.

    This was something I feel I did well. I always had names for my teams. My first team was the Phunny Pharm. We had a Pheel Good Jar where we wrote kind notes to each other before every team meeting and passed them out. It really did lift spirits. We also had snacks at every team meeting, and a game, along with business. I often brought treats to work and passed them out to anyone who wanted them. We celebrated every specialist’s birthday on my team, and I did superlatives and other recognitions. We also talked socially as a team, and just had a good time. I held everyone to a high standard, but tried to make work fun too.

    Take a break. If you work too hard, you will be too stressed to be productive.

    There would literally be days when I was a supervisor when my entire Outlook calendar was filled with meetings and other responsibilities from 8-5. I wouldn’t even had time for lunch, so I would just wolf something down at my desk. Those were terrible days, and I would always go home in a bad mood. Taking a walk, eating a lunch without distraction, and having some breather room, makes so much of a difference in the quality of your day, and your capacity to give.

    Laugh a lot. It’s contagious.

    My team, and others, used to always tease me for my very loud, bell-like laugh, a laugh that They always knew when I was coming.

    Smile and speak kindly to everyone.

    Sometimes management can be intimidating, and seen as all work and numbers. If management is kind to everyone, it levels the playing field, and also builds relationships among teams, who often tend to be competitive.

    In contrast, as you are always friendly with your superiors, they know you trust them and would go to them for guidance and advice. That helps them feel that you like and respect them, but also that you want to know more and be more than you currently do and are.

    Even if you don’t like someone, do your best to be friendly and show appreciation. This will greatly improve collaboration and cooperation.

    There were a couple people here and there over the years I didn’t like very much at work. There was one in particular who annoyed me a lot. One day, I decided to implement a new strategy, which was showing interest in her interests, complimenting her, being kind and talking to her socially, and not just in meetings. That really improved how we worked together in the future, and my respect for her grew.

    When someone comes to talk to you, stop what you are doing, and give him/her your full attention. You should not multitask when someone is speaking to you about an urgent/important matter. 

    One of my managers taught me this, and though I had so much work to do, that it was really hard to take my fingers off the keyboard, I tried to implement that advice. I can’t say I was always successful, but I do know that when I did, I got the full message the first time, and did not have to clarify a question or concern.

    Respond to requests as quickly as you can. This builds trust, and helps those you serve know you are their advocate.

    Because I had had experience with a supervisor who was not timely in answering emails, and a manager who answered emails but didn’t always answer the question, I realized the value of reading and responding to my specialists’ emails as quickly as possible. I also encouraged them to just come to my desk and talk to me personally. I tried to be as helpful and positive as possible.

    If you care about those you supervise and make their success a priority, they will be more motivated, work harder, and enjoy work more.

    I really feel strongly about this. As a supervisor or manager, you have a responsibility to make sure your team performs at a high level of efficiency and quality. Sometimes it can be easy to concentrate only on numbers, and put individuals down when they don’t perform exactly right. When you change your approach, show them individually you care about their success, ask how you can help them every day, and work with them on a regular basis, while listening to their ideas and concerns, it makes so much of a difference.

    Provide feedback in a constructive manner. Always start with positive feedback and then move on to the opportunities. Let the person know you want to help him/her succeed.

    As a supervisor, I did one on ones with each of my specialists either bi-weekly or monthly, depending on their positions. Sometimes, I had to give feedback on performance that was less than satisfactory. That is hard and intimidating. I learned, though, that if I concentrated on what they did well first, it softened my tone enough that I could give the constructive criticism in a way that wasn’t offensive. I always expressed a desire to help my employees succeed, and offered , as well as asked for, suggestions to do so.

    When someone is performing at a very low level, you work as much as you can to help him/her start meeting expectations, rather than just turning your back.

    Sometimes you will have an employee who is just awful, either with a bad attitude or really poor skills. You can’t just give up and throw in the towel. You have to be patient and work with that person in every way you can, with specific, documented steps. Sometimes people will be let go, and if that happens, you should be perfectly satisfied that you did all you could, and that you stayed their advocate until the end.

    If you are annoyed or offended, do not send that nasty email. Save it as a draft, and go back to it later, after you have calmed down and gained some perspective.

    I never got in trouble formally at work, but once, when I was still a specialist, I had taken on an additional responsibility of writing a training quiz. I got some feedback on it from a manager, that offended me, and I felt wasn’t correct. I sent a passionate email expressing my feelings. My supervisor had to speak to me about it, and I promptly apologized. From then on, I always took a breather before responding to an email that I didn’t like, or I just spoke to the person in person.

    Another point about nasty emails: I had a manager that would periodically sent me a rude email asking why something was done or wasn’t done, or why it was done in the wrong way. It would inevitably upset me, but mostly annoy me, as he was almost always incorrect in his accusations. In my management role, I tried not to do that, but rather talk to a person one on one if I had a concern.

    Be passionate, but not too passionate; don’t sweat the small stuff; and look at the bigger picture. 

    That was one of my biggest faults at the AICPA as a supervisor. When I saw injustices, especially in QA, I was very passionate about defending my cause, or the cause of one of my employees. There would inevitably be tension in the room, and often, I still didn’t get my way. You need to be passionate enough to care that things are done fairly, but also see that there are other perspectives out there other than your own. Sometimes I would sweat the small stuff by being mad that others were sweating the small stuff. That really isn’t productive.

    Don’t be afraid to express concerns, but always be respectful and provide proof to validate them.

    There were so many occasions, especially in my last supervisor role, when demands were made that just could not realistically be met. I had to speak with my senior manager often in his office about these things. I usually had reports to prove my concerns, many of which were made by one of my awesome employees. I strived to be respectful of what upper management said, but I still expressed my concerns rather than keeping them inside. I had my team to advocate for, and if I said nothing, and simply bowed down to every command, my specialists would not have respected me, and would not have wanted to come to work, knowing they couldn’t accomplish what was required of them.

    It isn’t us against them. We are all working together for a common goal. 

    I was in the Service Center during my whole four years. There would often be annoyances from my department toward the IT  department, and mostly the Member Value department. I had to learn to give the benefit of the doubt, realize every team has pressures of their own, and train myself to really believe we were all working toward a common goal. I made it a priority to just communicate better, and stay kind.

    The most profound truth I learned came after I left the AICPA, and that is that I was replaceable.

    It really hurt to know I put my heart and soul, and blood, sweat and tears into my job at the AICPA for years, and when I left, everyone moved on. Someone else took my position, and business continued as usual. I don’t know what I was expecting – management to beg me to stay perhaps.

    No matter how well you do at your job, no matter how many awards or bonuses you get, no matter how many policies and procedures you implement, no matter how many documents you write, no matter how many meetings you go to, no matter how many problems you identify and help fix, no matter how many people you train, no matter how much you are trusted to get the job done, you are replaceable in the workforce.

    It was like a punch in the gut to realize that. Now, though, I have found that truth to be a remarkable blessing. It has really reaffirmed and validated my husband’s and my decision for me to stay home and raise my children.

     

    To them, I am irreplaceable. Only I know what they desire, what they need, how to calm them down, what to sing to them, which books to read to them, what their favorite toys and blankets are. Nobody can kiss their boo boos like I can, or teach them that Jesus loves them like I can, or love them and cherish them like I can. They need me, they love me, and they miss me when I am not there. I am irreplaceable as their mother as long as I teach them in light and truth, show them love, and care for them body and soul.

    I will always cherish my time at the AICPA, especially the friendships I formed, and the lessons I learned. I will never forget any of you, and I love keeping up with you as best I can. Thank you for your examples that help me be a better person and mother.

     

  • Faith is the key

    *An abridged version can be found on familyshare.com.
    As someone who has many friends and family members who have questioned their faith, whether it be in their specific religion, or God Himself, this subject of losing faith has been consistently in my mind.I am someone who loves to help. Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly am looking for ways to serve. I feel one of the most important ways to serve is by helping others in spiritual matters.

    If you are one who has lost his/her faith, let me try to help you.

    Let’s start with a simple physical analogy. When you lose a key, or your phone, or your kid’s favorite teddy bear, what do you do?

    1. You realize you have lost it and slightly panic.
    2. You look around the immediate area.
    3. If you don’t see it there, you retrace your steps.
    4. If you still can’t find it, you ask other people who may have seen it to help you find it.
    5. You look for as long as it takes because that item is essential to you.
    6. If you don’t find it after all that, you may feel defeated and sad. Then, and only then, do you even consider replacing what it was you lost.

    Guess what? These same steps can be used for when you lose your testimony of one or all aspects of your faith.

    First, you will realize that something is missing. You don’t feel that fire like you used to. You find you have doubts, a lot of them. You wonder if you ever really knew God was real, or that Jesus is your Savior, or if certain books of scripture are true.

    There are many options you can choose as you realize you have lost your faith, but the best option, the only option that will lead you to your end goal of finding your faith, is to reflect on your life. Reflect on the blessings you have, on the goodness you see because of the faith you have lived by.

    If you can’t see that because you have been slowly detaching for a long time, you should retrace your steps, meaning look back upon your past. Think of special times that you exhibited faith, made a commitment to God, felt the Holy Spirit, felt a prayer answered. Perhaps you will want to write those things down.

    I have spoken to people who question if those special spiritual experiences of the past were a hoax. It saddens me to hear that. I think that we each have a conscience, we each have an inherent goodness, and we each have the light of Christ within us. If we felt peace and joy in those moments, it wasn’t a lie.

    Perhaps, though, you really struggle believing that what you once felt was really right. That is when you can talk to others. You can talk to friends and family who do have their faith, and who can testify to you. Most importantly, you can and should commune with your Heavenly Father. Pour out your heart to Him earnestly, sincerely, and humbly. Ask for His guidance, for His love, for His spirit to rest upon you and envelop you. Ask Him to help you remember, and to confirm to you the truth you once knew.

    You may lose heart if you try these things and nothing helps you find your faith. Be patient. Keep searching. Read your scriptures, continue to pray, fast, talk to those who help lead you back to your faith rather than push you away from it, for running away from what you lost will not help you find it. In fact, it most certainly guarantees you never will.

    I have had enough experience in my life with prayer, scripture study, and soul-searching to testify to you that this method will work if you are willing to hear God’s answer. If you already have your mind made up, you will never be able to hear His voice.

    I believe that in most cases, number 6, replacing your lost faith with something else, will not be a necessity as long as steps 1-5 are taken very seriously and sacredly. However, if you have done all of the other steps with full purpose of heart, and you still don’t find your faith, perhaps God is telling you there is more out there for you. Just remember that it is in God you must trust if you wish to find and nourish your faith once more.

    I am there for anyone who ever wishes to have conversations with me about faith. I want to help, and by so doing, I know my faith will also grow.

    Much love to all of you who are confused and unable to find your way. There is hope, and you can get the answers you seek.

  • My Favorite Love Story

    Today is Jad’s and my fifth wedding anniversary. I am so grateful to call him mine. When we were newlyweds, I wrote about our courtship. I think our story is grand. Here it is:
    Jad and Mandy met at a YSA dance in Apex, NC on April 3,
    2009. Mandy had a boyfriend at the time, but liked to go to the dances to have
    fun with friends and well, dance.  Jad
    didn’t really like going to dances, but his friends had gotten him to go a
    couple times before. He saw Mandy and was amazed at how beautiful she was. Her
    dancing also caught his attention and he knew he wanted to ask her to dance.
    They danced once that night. It was hard for Mandy to understand all that he
    said because it was loud and because he had a strong accent, but she did think
    he was cute and sweet. Jad asked Mandy for her phone number that night, but she
    said she couldn’t give it. They ended the night saying that they would
    hopefully see each other at the next dance.

    A picture of Casey and me around the time Jad and I met.

    May 1 was the next dance. Mandy had broken up with her boyfriend
    soon after the previous dance. She saw Jad as she was dancing that night, but
    he didn’t approach her for quite a while. He was pleasantly surprised when she
    remembered his name. This time Mandy paid more attention to Jad, noticing how
    good he smelled and how good-looking he was. They danced a lot that night; Jad
    asked her to dance as often as he could. He also pulled her out in the hallway
    to talk to her in the quiet and learn more about her. Mandy noticed that he
    liked to stare at her. They had a wonderful time together that night, and the
    night ended with them exchanging phone numbers.

    A few short days later, Jad and Mandy talked on the phone
    for the first time. He surprised her when he opened up quickly and told her he
    was divorced. She had been afraid to tell him about her divorce and child, but
    it was so easy to tell him. He didn’t judge her at all but told her that she
    was a wonderful person and shouldn’t be judged on her past. It was a good
    conversation. Mandy and Jad were eager to go out on their first date.

    Mandy took off work May 26 to meet Jad in Raleigh. It was a
    very exciting and fun day. They went to the Science Museum in Raleigh to see
    the Chocolate Exhibition. It was invigorating learning all about the history of
    chocolate, and the items in the gift shop were exciting and unique. Mandy got
    chocolate bubble bath and Jad got chocolate soap. They ate Chargrill for lunch
    and then went to the rose garden behind Raleigh Little Theater. 


    Jad took lots
    of pictures of Mandy with the flowers.

                       


    He thought she was beautiful.

      Mandy was flattered but embarrassed.
    She took a picture of him to make it even.
    The garden was fragrant and lovely, and helped both of them see how they liked each other.

    Then they went to the movies to see Star
    Trek. The mall was next. They looked at everything from furniture to legos.
    Then they ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Jad got Mandy to eat some of his
    dinner. This was the first time they shared a fork. Jad asked Mandy to hold his
    hand that night, and she did even though she wasn’t ready. The whole day was
    wonderful and both knew that the other was great. The night ended with a hug
    and a smile.

    Mandy and Jad continued to talk on the phone periodically.
    Jad got busy during the summer working double shifts, so they did not see each
    other at all in the summer. During that time Mandy got back together with her
    previous boyfriend when he came home on leave. She felt really bad when Jad
    emailed her about seeing her at a dance, as if he wanted to pick up where they
    had left off. She knew she had lost out on a great opportunity when he
    responded to her explanation with grace and said how he would never regret
    knowing her or spending time with her. 
    Mandy’s relationship didn’t last. She ended up telling Jad and they
    wanted to see each other again.

    September 5 was the next time they saw each other. That was
    the evening Jad met Casey. He was wonderful with Casey and Mandy loved the time
    they spent together. She learned a lot about his country’s food that day too.
    She kissed him on the cheek that night after feeling overwhelmed with how
    wonderful he was.

    The courtship continued for five months. Mandy and Jad spent
    nearly every weekend together. They took turns traveling to either Kinston or
    Hillsborough.


    Mandy knew she loved Jad October 23, the day they went to the
    state fair together.  That day she, Jad
    and Casey had such a fun time and felt like a family.  Mandy could see herself being with Jad always,
    but it took him a little longer to know.



    Mandy and Jad got to know each other’s families and spent a
    lot of time eating and doing fun activities together like going to see Phantom,



    visiting Battleship, NC and Wilmington,


    celebrating Christmas together, 
    I got custom wind chimes made for Jad. The bottom said Just like music, you soothe my soul. I love you, Jad.

    Jad got Casey a soccer ball.

    I giggled that he put From the Kitchen of Mandy and Jad. It must come true now!

    Jad drew this picture for me.
    I thought Jad’s interaction with my Nana was so adorable. If she liked him, it was even more confirmation he was wonderful.
     going to a
    formal New Year’s dance,


     bowling,


     and ice skating. 

    They had little rough patches
    along the way, but never doubted how much they cared about each other.


    After New Year’s, Mandy and Jad knew they wanted to be
    married and talked about it often. He even indicated that he had looked at
    rings. Mandy hoped every weekend that he would ask her to marry him, but for
    weeks he didn’t. She got a little upset that he was taking so long since they
    knew they wanted to be together, but he always smiled his beautiful smile and
    told her to be patient.

    February 6 was the day. It was freezing cold and snowing.
    Mandy had suggested going to Duke Gardens as they were planning what to do that
    day. They almost didn’t go because of the snow, but still went after a strong
    suggestion from Mandy’s mom. They both took their cameras in to take pictures
    of the scenery and each other.

     It was freezing, but kind of romantic. Mandy
    didn’t know this, but as they were walking, Jad was trying to find the perfect
    spot to propose. They had stood under a lovely gazebo earlier, and Jad led her
    back up there to take a different route later on. 


    Outside of the gazebo was a
    quote from Francis Bacon: God almighty first planted a garden. And
    indeed, it is the purest of human pleasures.  After reading it, Jad pulled three red roses
    from his jacket. The roses, all varying in the amount of bloom, represented the
    past, present and future or their relationship. Jad said some poetic words
    about him and Mandy and how much he loved her. At that moment, a huge crowd of
    people walked by. It was very embarrassing, so Mandy and Jad walked into the
    gazebo as they were passing by. Then Jad continued. He talked about how their
    relationship started out in a garden and implied that they were going to take their
    next major steps in a garden as well. He said many beautiful things, but did
    not get to the point quickly. It embarrassed Mandy and she shyly nodded and
    smiled, adding little interjections. He did not get on his knee when he made it
    known that he wanted to marry Mandy, but she was very willing. Then, he said
    that he also had something for her in his pocket that he’d had for about a
    month now. Jad took it out of his pocket, and got down on his knee to present
    it to Mandy. She wanted to take the ring out, but he put it on her. It was
    beautiful and Mandy was overwhelmed with happiness. She started to tear up and
    realized the wait was worth it.

    Our first picture together as an engaged couple.


    Mandy and Jad started their married life together March 6,
    2010 and were married by President Milton under the same gazebo where Jad had
    proposed exactly a month earlier.


    Though getting married at that time and that place was unexpected, Mandy and Jad were still so happy to be married and start their lives together. 

                It was a perfect day to become the Al-Bjaly family.


                                 

     
    Our little Al-Bjaly family has grown by two in the last five years, with the births of Rigel and Kamren. We have also been sealed in the temple for all eternity, put Jad through life-threatening surgery, bought our first house, seen Jad become a citizen of our great nation, gotten a dog, started a blog, put Jad in school onto a new career path, and mourned the loss of family members, including his grandmother and my aunt. 
    I am amazed that we have gone through so many trials, tests of faith, and triumphs. I love my husband and my family with all my heart, and look forward to the next five, and fifty years. 

  • My Day without Little Ones

    Last night, before bed, I felt a little broken inside, like a piece of my heart would soon be missing. I was already regretting the day to come’s arrangement where Jad would take Rigel and Kamren to Kinston with him early in the morning, and not bring them home until very late. They would play with their Teta and other members of his family while I got nearly a full day alone.

    You are probably shaking your head in disbelief. I should have been celebrating the possibilities for the following day, planning all the fun I would have and relaxing I would do.
    I guess I am just tender-hearted, because it broke my heart to strap them into their car seats and watch them drive off with Daddy at 6:45 AM. I kissed Kamren a million times, and felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. 
    When they drove off, I went back upstairs, thinking I would go back to sleep. I needed more sleep, and not having kids wake me up sounded amazing, despite it all. I couldn’t do it, though. I was too busy thinking about my babies, hoping they, and I, would be okay today. 
     So, my day without little ones started at 7AM. 
    I felt a lot of pressure on myself to have a really good plan for the day, and not waste my time, because this quite possibly could have been the only day for a very long time I would have to myself (until Casey got home from school anyway). 
    This is the day I came up with, and I am very satisfied with it,and grateful I had it:
    1. I read the second half of my book club book. I am now done, and it was very enjoyable.
    2. I lifted weights. I always love doing that. It makes me feel buff. 
    3. I ate breakfast alone, and the only mess was a dirty bowl and spoon. No crumbs, spills, or stickiness. That felt nice, I must admit. 
    4. I got ready for the day, and didn’t have to rush, though out of habit, I still went pretty quickly.
    5. I ran some errands in the pouring rain (without an umbrella because they were all with Jad): Dollar Tree to make an exchange, Walmart to buy a can opener, flowers, and a few spices, the bank to make a deposit, and the library to check out a couple movies for Casey. I joked with the librarian that this was the fastest and quietest trip to the library I had ever had. 
    6. I dropped by Loving Hands Food Pantry for the first time. I loved seeing my friend, Norie. I got a tour of the office. I got information about what their needs are relating to a food drive we want to do soon, and I made a cash donation. It felt good to do some service. 
    7. I visited an elderly sister in our church. This was the most rewarding part of my day. I had bought the flowers for her, and also brought her a card. We talked for the better part of an hour, and would have talked longer if schools hadn’t let out an hour early. She was so appreciative of my visit, and I loved hearing her stories, and also having the blessing of lifting her spirits. 
    8. I went home as fast as I could, and had to get Casey from our neighbors because I got home after he did. To redeem myself, I made cinnamon sugar popcorn, got out a box of Crush candy I had gotten at Walmart, and turned on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Casey recently read all the books, but hadn’t yet gotten to watch any of the movies. We had a great time just watching and snacking. He told me later how much he loved spending that one-on-one time with me.

    9. We quickly got ready to go to my parents’ house so I could drop Casey off and go out for the evening with my brother, Aaron, in Chapel Hill.
    10. I met Aaron, and we walked to B-Skis for dinner. He treated me, which made me feel special. Then we went to a lovely performance of Britten War Requiem. All the soloists, for whom Aaron was actually the rehearsal accompanist, were phenomenal. We had so much fun enjoying a common interest. I was amazed at how many people my brother knows on campus. He kept stopping and talking to so many people. 

    11. I picked up Casey from my parents’, got shooed out quickly, and took my tired boy home. We ate cupcakes on the way back that I had bought on a whim after the concert.
    12. I started working on this blog post.
    13. At 11 PM, Rigel walked into my room with a cute little smile on his face because he was home. We embraced, and I told him how much I missed him. Kamren was already asleep in his bed. I will look at him lovingly in his crib later.

    So, that was my day. I didn’t do nearly as much as I thought I would. I thought I was going to finish filing our taxes, catch up on church responsibilities, organize my recipes, and more. 

    I am okay with not doing everything on my list because I spent the day doing good, and spending time with people I love (did you hear Barney’s voice when I wrote that, because I did). 

    I am so glad to have my babies home, and am looking forward to the messes, smells, noise, and Barney songs that are in store for tomorrow. 

  • The Pathway to Perfection

    President Harold B. Lee taught that: “Christ came not only into the world to make an atonement for the sins of mankind but to set an example before the world of the standard of perfection of God’s law and of obedience to the Father. In his Sermon on the Mount the Master has given us somewhat of a revelation of his own character, which was perfect,… and in so doing has given us a blueprint for our own lives.”

    The Sermon on the Mount is found in Matthew, Chapters 5-7 in the New Testament, and is filled with invaluable counsel from our Savior on how to live righteous lives, and to be more like Him.

    I wish to focus on the beatitudes, which are blessings we can receive if we come unto Christ. President Lee said that the beatitudes embody the “constitution for a perfect life.”

    The beatitudes are interrelated and progressive in their arrangement, each one building on the others. We can receive the blessings of each as we choose to come unto Christ.

    1. Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    When thinking of the poor in spirit, I first think of people who are sad, depressed, lonely, and without hope.

    President Lee explained that the poor in spirit, “means those who are spiritually needy, who feel so impoverished spiritually that they reach out with great yearning for help.”

    The Lord gave this invitation, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

    Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair… Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way…If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.”

    2. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

    It may at first glance seem strange that one who is feeling such a deep loss is considered blessed. However, through such loss, our hope of the resurrection is strengthened, we come to a greater understanding of the eternal perspective, and we become more aware that, as Elder Russell M. Nelson has said, “Life does not begin with birth, nor does it end with death.”

    Robert E. Wells of the first quorum of the 70, taught,”When we can see the Lord’s purposes fulfilled in that which gives us sorrow, the Holy Ghost can give us full consolation, and the atonement and resurrection truly become to us the cornerstone of our faith. In the midst of mourning one discovers deeper dimensions of love, friendship, and brotherhood…It is in the midst of mourning that one discovers the personal closeness of his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ and the comfort of the Holy Ghost… We will be blessed in mourning and be comforted as we reflect on eternal marriage, eternal families, eternal values.”

    This is one way that we mourn in this life. Elder Spencer J. Condie of the 70 also reminds us that we should mourn, especially for our sins, as “godly sorrow worketh repentance tosalvation.” This is an important step in our journey to perfection.

    3. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

    When I hear the word meek, I always think about Christ, for that is how he was described. He was gentle, submissive, kind, selfless and humble.

    Elder Neal A. Maxwell said that “one cannot develop those other crucial virtues—faith, hope, and charity—without meekness…Meekness…is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control. Without meekness, the conversational points we insist on making often take the form of “I”—that spearlike, vertical pronoun.”

    If we do most often only think about ourselves, like Elder Maxwell warned, we are not humble. President Spencer W. Kimball said that to be meek one must be humble. He asked, “How does one get humble? To me, one must constantly be reminded of his dependence. On whom dependent? On the Lord. How remind one’s self? By real, constant, worshipful, grateful prayer.”

    4. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.


    If I hunger or thirst for something, that means I desire it, and I need it for my health. Those who desire righteousness, consistently look for opportunities to do good so they can stay spiritually healthy. They work hard to find ways to be more like Christ, who is the bread of life and the living water.

    Sheri L Dew explained: “Hungering and thirsting translate to sheer spiritual labor. Worshiping in the temple, repenting to become increasingly pure, forgiving and seeking forgiveness, and earnest fasting and prayer all increase our receptivity to the Spirit. Spiritual work works and is the key to learning to hear the voice of the Lord.”

    The Lord promises us that if we do these things we will be filled with the Holy Ghost. I know I have felt an abundance of the Spirit when I do these things, and I would also add studying my scriptures, serving others, and sharing the gospel with others.

    With this gift, comes great responsibility. Elder Robert D Hales counseled that “We who have the gift of the Holy Ghost must be true to its promptings so we can be a light to others. “‘Let your light so shine before men,’ said the Lord, ‘that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.’”

    5. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

    When I think of being merciful, I think of being kind to someone who isn’t kind back. I think of, instead of judging someone or disliking someone, trying to see into their hearts, and realize we don’t know all that people go through. I think of turning the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge, when you have been wronged.

    From the scriptures, I think of Captain Moroni, who commanded the Nephite army to stop slaying the Lamanites, and rather call a truce, when he saw their terror at being surrounded on all sides. I think of the good Samaritan, seeing only a person in need, and not taking thought to his race, culture, or background. I think, most of all, of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, who have provided a way for we imperfect people to be clean and return to live with God again.

    President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminds us that …”that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. …How can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven? Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.”

    I know that as I have chosen to let go of grudges and judgment, that I have been able to really see God’s love for others, and also for imperfect me. I have seen His tender mercies in my life the more compassionate I am to others, whether it be giving to the poor and needy, helping someone who doesn’t show me appreciation, or just choosing not to be offended, but rather to forgive.

    6. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

    When I think of being pure in heart, I think of having “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” I think of “[shaking] at the appearance of sin.” I think of having a strong conviction that there is no other option but to do what is right.

    Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin defines being pure in heart this way: “To be without guile is to be pure in heart, an essential virtue of those who would be counted among true followers of Christ. … “If we are without guile, we are honest, true, and righteous. Those who are honest are fair and truthful in their speech, straightforward in their dealings, free of deceit…Honesty is of God; dishonesty of the devil, who was a liar from the beginning. Righteousness means living a life that is in harmony with the laws, principles, and ordinances of the gospel.”

    L. Whitney Clayton of the 70 added that “The condition of our heart determines how much evidence of divinity we see in the world now and qualifies us for the eventual realization of the promise that the pure “shall see God.” Ours is a quest for purity.”

    President Joseph Smith said that if we strive for this purity, we “will be able to more perfectly understand the difference between right and wrong—between the things of God and the things of men; and [our] path[s] will be like that of the just, which shineth brighter and brighter unto the perfect day.”

    7. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

    Within His sermon, Jesus warns us against anger, which is of the Devil. He instead councils us to love our neighbors, and even love our enemies – to pray for them and do good for them. This makes sense, for we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us. That is the golden rule.

    In a recent news conference on religious freedom and nondiscrimination, Elder Holland wisely said: “Every citizen’s rights are best guarded when each person and group guards for others those rights they wish guarded for themselves.”

    A large part of being peacemakers is being merciful to our fellow citizens, neighbors, friends, and family.
    There is more being a peacemaker, though. Elder Bruce R. McConkie said that “only those who believe and spread the fulness of the gospel are peacemakers within the perfect meaning of this Beatitude. The gospel is the message of peace to all mankind.”

    When I first read this quote as I taught Institute, my testimony of missionary work grew exponentially. Elder Dallin H Oaks said that “…peace can only come through the gospel of Jesus Christ.” President Joseph F.Smith added to this truth, saying that to bring peace, the gospel must be “understood, obeyed, and practiced by rulers and people alike.”

    What an essential mission we followers of Christ have. He trusts us to help bring peace to our homes, communities, and even the world. I can only hope I can always be worthy of that sacred trust.

    8. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    If we are being true peacemakers and sharing the light of the gospel, we will be persecuted, for as Elder Lawrence Corbridge said, “The truth will always be opposed.”

    We know this is true. Jesus brought the Truth to the world – He was the Truth – and he was rejected, betrayed, scourged, abandoned, crucified.

    Christ was persecuted more than we will ever be, but he still loved and forgave those who hurt him. He endured the persecution without retaliation, but rather turned the other cheek.

    Elder Hales said that when our beliefs are criticized, we need to follow the Savior’s example. He said, “Some people mistakenly think responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak… But to “love [our] enemies…takes faith, strength, and, most of all, Christian courage.”

    Elder Holland counseled, “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them. In courageously pursuing such a course, you will forge unshakable faith, you will find safety against ill winds that blow, even shafts in the whirlwind, and you will feel the rock-like strength of our Redeemer, upon whom if you build your unflagging discipleship, you cannot fall.”

    This promise brings me so much peace. I will continue to defend my faith throughout my life, with as much courtesy and compassion as I can. I am grateful that if I do this, the Lord will not let me fail.

    Just as President Lee said that the beatitudes embody the constitution for a perfect life, Christ, in His sermon asked us to “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”

    President James E. Faust explained that “Perfection is an eternal goal. While we cannot be perfect in mortality, striving for it is a commandment which ultimately, through the Atonement, we can keep.”

    I thank my Savior for giving us the course we need for perfection. I know that as we strive to follow the principles in the beatitudes, and utilize the Lord’s atonement for forgiveness and spiritual strength throughout our lives, that we will receive the blessings God has promised us, most importantly, a place in His kingdom for all eternity.









  • Bliss Within a Mess

    The baby is hurt and cries for me.
    He runs to his fallen lunch plate, then tearfully reaches
    for me to hold him.
    I hug him, kiss his little face, and then gently place him on
    my lap and begin to rock.
    The big boy also wants to cuddle. I make room on my lap for
    his larger, yet still soft body.
    We rock peacefully back and forth, one hugging me and the
    other licking peanut butter off his fingers.
    The little dog approaches, sad, wanting to join us on the
    comfy rocker.
    I think there is not enough room, but hearing her little
    desperate cry, I tap my knee twice and summon her to join us.
    She happily leaps onto my lap. Suddenly, there isn’t enough
    room.
    Her body is lying on my shoulder, neck and head. Her fur is
    going in my ear.
    That is when we start to giggle.
    The little black dog finally gets comfortable curled up with
    the big boy, and then her playful kisses start.
    She kisses me on my ears and mouth as I try to turn away,
    only stopping to lick the generous baby’s pointer finger that is tempting her with its peanut buttery goodness.
    We continue to rock, a little less quietly than before, and
    I realize I have three people in my lap that love me. I smile.
    I inhale the fragrance of the big boy’s freshly shampooed
    hair while the baby pushes his wet, messy mouth onto my left sleeve, laughing mischievously.
    The baby is about done with this moment. He slides off my
    lap, then adorably holds up his sock, shocked that it is off his sweet little
    foot.
    He then runs off to see what he can do while mommy is otherwise occupied.
    The big boy still wants to rock with me. I hold his head
    tenderly under my chin and pat his little bum rhythmically.
    I realize that this is bliss, and it can be felt and enjoyed
    even within a mess.
    The moment ends just a touch after, but it is
    enough to remind me I have all I will ever need.

  • The only way to have a friend is to be one

    I have been thinking about the idea of friendship the past few days. I went through a time not so long ago where I felt really down. I felt like I didn’t have a really close friend- best friend – who I could talk to or hang out with any time.

    I felt sorry for myself that I moved into a neighborhood with several families that I knew, expecting to become best buddies with all the women, and not seeing it happen instantaneously like I hoped it would. 

    I just felt kind of alone, and unwanted, like I wasn’t good enough for anyone to want me as a good friend. 

    I have always been kind of shy of meeting new people, and I feel very uncomfortable in large group settings where I have to be social. That is one of the reasons I longed for a best friend so that if I were in a social setting, I could just spend time with her and not worry about anyone else. No awkward situations required.

    I actually did have someone I considered a best friend several years ago, before I remarried. She and I would hang out at all the church Young Single Adult activities, go to the dances together, go shopping together, go out to eat together, talk on the phone late at night, talk about boys and look at engagement rings for fun – you know, normal best friend stuff.

    I was heartbroken when she moved away and decided not to remain my friend. I have never known why, and have reached out several times to try to reconcile. Nothing worked, but ever since that awesome friendship, I had hoped to find another such best friend.

    That is understandable, right? One day, when I was really down about it, I posted this on Facebook: 

    October 19, 2012 

    Does anyone else wish they had a best friend? I feel like I haven’t had one of those in years. It’s not for lack of trying because I try really hard to genuinely be kind to everyone and help everyone, not to mention get to know people whenever I can by inviting them over. I never seem to get past the friendly acquaintance or friends when we have time stage. What I need more than anything is someone I can call any time I want to talk (and it can be about anything), or want to hang out, and it will be welcomed with enthusiasm and joy. I want someone to see me that way too. We would actually do the things we say we want to do together (make an actual plan) – we wouldn’t dream of letting it slide. Forgive the self-pity. I’m just really feeling it today. I hope I am the only one that feels this way, because it really stinks. If you are in the same boat at me, just know I am happy to be your friend.

    When I posted this, nearly 20 women responded to me saying they knew how I felt, because they were there, or had been there, too. It touched me, and saddened me at the same time, that so many women were feeling like me.

    After I saw that I wasn’t the only one, that gave me strength, and I started to pray for help to make friends, and to be a better friend myself.

    I don’t know how those lovely women are feeling now, but I want to make an update to my feelings from almost 2 1/2 years ago.

    My problems aren’t over. I am still so uncomfortable in large social settings. I still don’t have someone I can call my best friend. However, I have been blessed as the Lord has answered my prayers and brought understanding to my tender heart. Here are some of the things that I have learned:

    1. Though having a best friend is a really beautiful thing, I personally cannot grow as well as a person if I cling on to one best friend. Because I am sometimes socially awkward, I need to be stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone.

    2. As adults, especially with spouses and kids, we are really busy. We are pulled in so many directions, and our priorities are different than they were when we were younger. However, it is possible to care deeply about someone even if we don’t have time to talk on the phone or spend time together on a regular basis.

    3. It is a good thing to befriend as many people as you can, and touch as many lives as possible. I have felt so blessed to be given the desire to have different people in my home for dinner, play dates, and girls nights. I have come to know so many wonderful women this way. I can call all of them my friends, and I hope they know that I am there for them when they need me.

    4. You can have special friends of all ages, races, religions, political affiliations, cultures, and personalities. As long as we respect one another, our differences make us uniquely able to build each other up.

    5. I have a husband, and he can fulfill most of the criteria for a best friend. In the areas he can’t, I have my other friends.

    6. Your parents, siblings, in-laws, and children can be some of your closest friends because they know you the best and need you the most.Make them a top priority.

    7. I have, just like each of you have, special gifts that I can share with others to help their days be a little brighter. I don’t have to be called someone’s best friend to be admired, appreciated, and loved. If I do my part to bring joy to others, they will call me friend.

    8. People are put into your life for a reason. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have a best friend, I should feel honored that God loves me enough to put special people in my path, and trusts me enough to put me in theirs. I may not be close friends with everyone I meet, but we have something we can give to each other. 

    9. It is much more fun to have many women to call my friend. There doesn’t have to be special rules around what makes a friend. If you welcome me into your home, you are my friend. If you exercise, bake, go to movies, chill with me, you are my friend. If you love my kids, you are my friend. If you listen to me and give me advice, you are my friend. If you give me a smile and a hug, you are my friend. If you laugh with me and cry with me, you are my friend. If you help motivate me to be a better person, you are my friend. If you appreciate my gifts and talents, and help me feel good about myself, you are my friend. If you share your love of God with me, you are my friend. If you do any of these things, you are my friend. 

    10. Whenever I feel sad or alone, I always have Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father as my true friends who love me, are there for me, and want what is best for me.

    The only way to have a friend is to be one

    To all of you reading this, you are my friend. Thank you for your support.