Last night before midnight, our family discussed our year and what events were most meaningful to us. It was no contest: Asher’s birth was the most wonderful and memorable event to happen in our 2023. And our lives have never been the same since he came home to us two weeks later. You can learn more about his birth and first month of life here: A Onesie with Meaning | Making Life a Bliss Complete
The other experiences that meant the most to me in 2023 were directly related to Casey. Seeing him graduate from high school, turn 18, prepare to serve a mission, leave for his mission, and then feeling of his spirit as he serves his mission have been life-changing for me. You can read more about Casey’s transition into adulthood and missionary here: A Month without My Missionary | Making Life a Bliss Complete
It’s interesting to me that the God saw fit for me to simultaneously begin raising a child and wrap up raising a child at the same time. I know I will always be Caseys’ mother no matter how old he gets, but it feels a lot different having an adult child than having a baby.
So for me, Asher coming into the world and Casey leaving the nest are my two major highlights of 2023. This past year has also been filled with many other challenging and fulfilling things, such as:
Rigel turning 12 and receiving the Aaronic Priesthood. Seeing him pass the Sacrament and speak in church have been so special to us.
Joining an LGBTQ ally group with other members of my church to cultivate love, education, and understanding around our LGBTQ siblings.
Attending monthly girls’ nights with friends, old and new. This is so therapeutic for me.
Enjoying having a son with a driver’s license and then six months later having to adjust to not having him there to run errands and drive people around. We definitely appreciated that while we had it.
Learning how to have a baby in the house again and bursting with love for my baby and for the rest of my kids as they adored their new brother.
Eve and Casey performing in our church’s musical of “The Secret Garden.” It was Eve’s first musical and Casey’s first musical playing a lead. I was so grateful to be able to experience this musical from the audience.
Joining a new book club and sometimes reading the books, ha!
Seeing my husband be called to the Bishopric of my congregation and noticing the changes in him for good, as well as feeling for him as he experienced more stress, less time, and more concern for his fellow man.
Making new friends through one of Casey’s best friends. I am so grateful for these new friends and all the memories we have made in half a year!
Learning how to help Casey as he suffered from depression.
Feeling inspired to go back to my book draft from years ago and get back to work on it so I can self-publish it. I will never put it down and give up on it again. I know I was directed to write it and I will publish it this year.
Mourning as my first son moved away from me for the first time in 18 years.
Feeling such joy and love for this same son as he faithfully serves the Lord each day.
Singing in the local Messiah concert for the first time in four years. It was wonderful to have the group back together. There is such a special spirit that comes from worshiping through song.
Kamren, Eve, and Rigel starting karate lessons. They absolutely love it!
Suing our builder over flooring issues and losing because of a technicality over the name. We will sue again this month under another business name. We hate doing it, but we know it’s the right thing to do.
Donating to the Light the World Giving Machine. It took only a few minutes of our time, but it is something we will never forget.
Sleeping poorly almost every night since Asher was born.
Adjusting to not being able to accomplish things nearly as often or quickly as I am used to.
Dealing with self-image issues due to my weight and health. I hope that I can work on this more in 2024 after Asher turns one and is weaned.
Having very little time with my husband since Asher won’t sleep until late at night.
Enjoying family fun times, like school concerts, birthday parties, Monster Jam, the Richmond, VA Temple Open House, strawberry picking, the Greensboro Science Center, a trip to Hendersonville, a day at Carolina Beach, tons of fun times in our pool, family visits, Chestnut Ridge, and Carowinds’ Winterfest.
There are so many other things I could mention about 2023. I have learned a lot about adapting, simplifying, managing my time, loving more deeply, being more present, following the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and more.
I’m so grateful for each year of my life. Some have been harder than others. All have been full of learning opportunities, blessings, and love.
I hope and pray that 2024 will be a fulfilling year and that my family, friends, and I can all progress in our lives and feel joy and peace throughout our successes and struggles.
It took me far too long to fall asleep last night. My heart was heavy with many things, but I finally went to sleep, hoping and praying that Asher, our six-month-old, actually slept well.
I found myself being suddenly awakened during the 3:00 hour. I could hear movement in my bathroom. Then a light went on, and something dropped a little too loudly.
I knew it was Eve, my six-year-old daughter. I was barely awake, but I dashed into the bathroom to try to quiet her and find out why she was there. I could hear what I dreaded most too – the baby waking up. Eve told me that she had planned to lay out the soft sleeping pad we have and sleep in our closet the rest of the night. This didn’t surprise me at all, and though this normally was a welcomed action, this time I whispered a little too harshly and told her to go back to her room.
Jad took our baby, Asher, who was indeed awake, so I could go back to sleep. I, of course, didn’t, because I usually can’t when I know the baby is up. Instead, I sat at the edge of the bed on the verge of tears, so, tired and feeling bad about sending Eve away.
A few minutes later, Jad gently placed the baby back in his bassinet. That was the fastest he had ever gone back to sleep. I should have felt relieved at that point- ready to drift back off to dreamland.
But I just lay there. I was thinking about the little girl – my little girl – who I had sent upstairs feeling unloved. I felt prompted to go to her. I hesitated, but only for a moment. I knew what I had to do.
It wasn’t easy to go up the stairs with my sore knee that I had hurt in a fall before church the day before, and then avoid the clutter in the long hallway, but I was nonetheless drawn to Eve’s room.
I knelt by her bed, caressed her cheek, and gave her a kiss. She opened her eyes and tearfully told me she was sorry. I apologized to her, saying I had actually been the one in the wrong.
She explained that she had had a bad dream and that she felt safer being around us, her parents. She knew she wouldn’t have any more bad dreams if she were with us. That melted my heart. I knew all along that was probably why she had come down. We said a prayer together, asking that Heavenly Father give her peace and comfort, and restful sleep until morning.
I told her I would stay with her until she fell back asleep. I tucked her in, stroked her hair, gave her a doll, adjusted her pillow, and just stayed next to her, holding her hand until she drifted back to sleep. At one point she told me she was okay and that I could go, because she knew I was tired, but I felt the desire to stay with my sweet girl until she was again at rest. It didn’t take long.
I felt so much better knowing that I had mended her little broken heart. Sleep did not come easily after that, but I was so grateful when little Asher slept until after 6am. I felt that was a little blessing that came to me from Heaven because I had listened to that spiritual prompting just a few hours before.
As I am writing this, Eve just walked into the office and gave me a hug, thanking me for coming to her last night. Then a little while later, during breakfast, she told her brothers how sweet I was to go to her and help her go back to sleep last night.
Imagine if I hadn’t listened to that prompting?
I decided to write about this experience because I want to remember that the Still Small Voice reached out to me and prompted me to do the right thing by my little girl. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost who helps me right my wrongs and be a better person every day.
I’m also so grateful for my sweet Eve who is so loving, forgiving, and tender-hearted. She has so much love in her heart, and I hope to be as pure in my love as she is.
As a parent, I need to make sure that I am always aware of what my children need from me to feel safe, happy, and thriving. I’m grateful for the lesson I learned early this morning.
Wow. Church today was just about as beautiful as it could be. I personally felt the presence of the Holy Ghost during every congregational hymn, musical number, and talk given. That beautiful spirit, often manifested by involuntary tears, continued into Relief Society (a class for our church’s women’s organization). The main theme of the day centered around gathering Israel on both sides of the veil, most specifically through sharing the gospel and doing temple and family history work.
Our Bishop made the wise remark that nothing we do in our church, whether a mission, assignment, or calling, is about us. It’s about the people we serve. It’s about loving God and serving His children. I thought about this verse:
Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.
He also spoke about the paradox of losing verses finding our lives, mentioned several times in the Bible. Here is one version from the book of Matthew:
He who seeketh to save his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
The purpose of life is not just to have fun and do whatever we please for personal pleasure. Rather, it is making sacrifices of our time, talents, and heart in order to do God’s work will help us find out who we really are and who we have the potential of becoming.
The tears really flowed when our Relief Society President, Dori, got up to present her talk. Jad had sent her a very sacred experience surrounding the recent illness and death of his uncle. She didn’t have time to present her entire prepared message, but she made sure to share all of Jad’s story. That was what she felt was most important to share. There were many sniffles and tears in the congregation, including our own. Here is that story completely in Jad’s own words, written on May 16, 2021:
Due to COVID-19, My uncle William was admitted to a nearby hospital on Monday, April fifth. I would call him every other day to check on him when I am driving to work, and on the weekend I give him the chance to talk to my family. He has been asking to talk to the kids a lot lately those days. On April 17 Kamren spent more time talking to my uncle about his upcoming soccer game. at that time he took a selfie with my uncle that I did not know till later. later on, on the same day, my mother said that she had a bad dream about my uncle dying but I stopped her and I told her everything would be fine, don’t worry mother.
Mother came for a quick unexpected visit on Monday, April 19 and as soon she walked into our home she starts crying and we said what is wrong Teta “Grama in English”. your uncle William in the ICU. We all comforted her and said he is not going to die. And I assured her that he will be just fine. I didn’t think that he will die at all.
My mother left with my brother back to his house, and that night I had some bad dreams, that I was in Jordan near my uncle hospital and there was broken glass from the hospital windows everywhere, it was at unease all the time, and then I walk up to my brother calling me around at 1:30 AM. I had a feeling of very bad news. my brother said that our beloved uncle William died. I cried and cried for 2 hours then around 4 AM I drove to my brother’s home so I can be there before my mother walk up, but I soon parked by the home I can hear my mother screaming and crying from outside. I stayed beside almost all day to comfort each other.
A week later on May 1st after my mother spent the day with us, I drove here back to my brother’s home and on the way there she asked me Jad where is your uncle William now. For a moment I was wow I never thought my mother would ask me this question, I felt the spirit so strong and I took this opportunity and talked about the plan of salvation, She felt comforted knowing my uncle is still there and he is doing he learning the true gospel and eventually once his work is done in the gospel he will be helping the lord in his work. She may think this is to be good to be true but at least it makes her feel happy knowing so. In my mind what she did not ask her Brother in law or her sister who are preachers and study the religion for years or any other preacher from back home. See at one time in my life around 9-10 years old I asked my mother what are those feeling that I have about life and earth and our souls and what will happen to it the afterlife, and she did not know and referred me to the priest which he told not to think about such things, it will make you crazy.
after that on my mother said, “Jad I have not told you this, but 3 days before your uncle died I had a dream that I was at our old home overseas and I was looking for my brother everywhere and I can’t find him, then your deceased grandmother appear to me, so I asked her mother where is my brother William, and she said go ask Jad, and she repeated three times.”
That is why she asked me.
I and mandy did the work for my both of my grandparent from my mother side. and the spirit was so strong when we baptize and seal them together later.
My Uncle William was kind and charitable and very giving to all. a stranger will love and feel peace and trust him after they meet home. he was a father for us since our dad left us when we young and we forced to leave our home and live with my grandparent and our uncle and aunts.
He treated me like a son and reward me when I do great at school, took us to nice places, and taught us how to swim.
He was married late in his life and left behind a 10-year-old girl name Yara and a 12-year-old boy, Yousef “Joseph”. His kids are having a really tough time now, Mom arrived today to Jordan to comfort them.
William with his mother and with his sonWilliam with his wife, children, and Jad’s motherKamren with William
I had several people come up to me at church telling me how touched they were by Jad’s experiences. Dori told me she felt this was perfect representation to her of gathering Israel on both sides of the veil, and the miracles that can ensue. She said Jad’s story is now a part of her life, which really meant a lot to me.
Our Relief Society lesson helped continue this beautiful conversation as we focused on the phrase, “every nation, kindred, tongue, and people.”
We spoke about each word. It was emotional for me having a husband who is from Jordan – a country that is not open to the preaching of the gospel yet. I shared that I know with all my heart that Jad was sent to the United States when he was and how he was so he could find the Church and help his kindred also embrace it when they are ready. God cares about each and every family and wishes for them to be united eternally. He will and does provide a way for that to happen.
I read over Elder Gong’s talk (the talk we discussed in the lesson) after coming home, and these words hit me the most:
Our 2020 bicentennial proclamation begins with the profoundly inclusive promise that “God loves His children in every nation of the world.” To each of us in every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, God promises, covenants, and invites us to come partake of His abundant joy and goodness…
In the household of faith there are to be no strangers, no foreigners, no rich and poor, no outside “others.” As “fellowcitizens with the saints,” we are invited to change the world for the better, from the inside out, one person, one family, one neighborhood at a time.
Elder Gerrit W. Gong
Elder Gong also wisely said:
By small and simple means—in which we are each invited to participate—great things are brought to pass.
Elder Gerrit W. Gong
God has been refining me over the years in many ways, and one way He has done so is by helping me see goodness in all people – to help me realize and honor that all people on this planet, regardless of choices, beliefs, circumstances, or any other defining factor, are children of God and beloved by Him. There is nobody who does not need Christ and there is nobody that does not deserve to partake of His goodness and love. We have a choice as Saints to either push others away because we don’t think they are good enough, or realize none of us are good enough, but God loves us perfectly anyway, and wants us all to come unto Him. We then take that to action through our kindness, encouragement, service, compassion, and understanding.
I left church feeling so uplifted and inspired. On the way home, I got really emotional as I was talking to Jad. I have felt for many years that God has a very special purpose for my husband. It is so clear to me just how much God has been with Jad every step of the way in his life. There have been countless direction, miracles, and interventions that there is no doubt in my mind Jad has a very important mission to fulfil on this earth to help gather Israel. I choked up as I wondered why I was chosen to be his wife – his companion – on this earth and for eternity. It was a really sweet conversation as Jad shared clear examples with me of how I had been such a crucial part of his life in helping him make the best decisions, as well as accepting him and loving him in his circumstances early on.
When I got home from church, I felt prompted to share this to Facebook:
The best tears are those that freely flow when feeling the presence of the Holy Ghost all around you. As they wet your face, they cleanse and refresh your soul.
I really felt that. But it wasn’t only thinking of Jad’s experiences that brought so much emotion to my soul today. It’s also because I feel like God has been nudging me a while on this subject. I actually got really passionate about family history a year or so ago. I loved doing it so much, but because I have been so busy and distracted with things related to selling, renting, and building homes (among many other things), I have pretty much let it go, and have felt guilty about it. I have been passionate about some good things since, but not that.
The first nudge came in early June of this year as Jad and I sat together to watch a church broadcast about supporting children and youth. The most important part of the broadcast (to me) wasn’t even the main message, but it struck me like an arrow to the heart. It was a clip of President Russell M. Nelson saying this:
These surely are the latter days, and the Lord is hastening His work to gather Israel. That gathering is the most important thing taking place on earth today. Nothing else compares in magnitude, nothing else compares in importance, nothing else compares in majesty. And if you choose to, if you want to, you can be a big part of it. You can be a big part of something big, something grand, something majestic!
President Russell M. Nelson
He said “nothing else” three times! It hit me so hard. I had been focusing on several good things, but I had let the most important thing, where nothing else compares to it in importance, slip.
Then, I got two more nudges this past Friday. I was going to be able to go inside the Raleigh Temple for the first time since February 2020 (pre-pandemic) for a baptism trip. I wanted to bring family names, so I printed some female names off of my account and some male names off of my son, Casey’s account. But I couldn’t stop there. I kept printing and printing and printing names. I couldn’t help it – I just felt that there were so many ancestors waiting to receive their ordinances and make covenants with Heavenly Father. I printed as many as I could until Jad reminded me probably not all would be able to be completed that night.
Then the time came to go. I was going as an observer and helper, specifically for a new member of the church, Kourtney, who has become my good friend. I rode with her on the way to the Temple, and she couldn’t contain her excitement. I knew she was ready to be there. We walked the Temple grounds first, and I could tell that she and the other two new members (such sweet sisters as well) were so at peace looking at the temple and breathing in the beauty and peace that was there.
Kourtney was nervous about doing something wrong or not knowing what to do at first, and she made sure I would be with her or within her sight at all times. I saw a shift, though, as the baptism session went on, and I could tell she didn’t really need me anymore. She was just really loving the spiritual experience she was having.
I also loved being able to sit in the Temple and watch the youth and new converts help those who had not previously had the opportunity, to be baptized. I loved hearing names called out that I knew were from my ancestry.
As we left the Temple, there was a lasting peace and calm. I turned to Kourtney and asked her what her favorite part of the session was, and she said that as she was watching the first several young men be baptized on behalf of deceased persons, she realized that those were not just names – they were real people who had been hoping and praying for a long time that they could receive these ordinances. That rush of revelation prompted her to volunteer to be baptized next, but not before she studied each name in her hand and felt of their righteous desires. She said that she felt very strongly after being baptized and confirmed for them, that each of those sisters accepted their baptismal covenants.
I was amazed at her wisdom and I knew what she said was true. I was even more grateful because the women who she had been baptized for were all ancestors of mine.
The Holy Ghost has been giving me gentle nudges for a while now about how I need to refocus my greatest efforts on gathering Israel. That is the most important thing I can do on this earth. It’s the most important thing any follower of Christ can do. I’m grateful for those nudges as they have strengthened my testimony greatly.
I pray that I will be able to keep my sights in line with God’s will for me. I know that by doing this I will be happier and holier, and that I will find myself by losing it for His sake.
When I was at church on Sunday, I had to go to the bathroom (I know, TMI, but I have a point, I promise). When I entered, I saw the toilet seat up. I smiled a little, knowing it was freshly cleaned. At that moment, a memory from kindergarten came rushing back to my mind.
I am almost 37 years old, so that was a long time ago. But, here is what I remember:
A girl in my class came rushing into the classroom after going to the bathroom exclaiming something like, “Ew, Ross went into the girls’ bathroom. I can tell because the seat was up!”
My little five-year-old self was shocked that this boy, Ross Wheeler, would go into the girls’ bathroom. The girl laughed at him, and I joined in because it was just so silly and gross.
My teacher, Ms. Fisher, noticed this exchange, and came up to the girl and me, and perhaps others. She then informed us that when bathrooms are cleaned, the seat is left up to show that it is clean. Ross had not in fact used the girls’ bathroom and it was not nice of us to say that he did.
I believed my teacher and moved on with my life, but I don’t remember if I apologized to Ross. To be honest, I probably didn’t. I was a good kid, but at that young age, I didn’t see any harm in what had happened. Ross was often the subject of jokes and laughter at his expense.
Now, I don’t remember many things from kindergarten, and this memory is definitely an obscure one. But, as the memory came back to me on Sunday, I realized just how profound it really was and that God wanted me to remember it.
I even talked to my kids in the van about it on the way home from church. I told the story and then I told them that we often make mean accusations out of ignorance, like the girl did. Some of us blindly believe those accusations without checking the facts, like I did. We are unkind to the accused, thinking we have that right because we have predetermined that the person’s worth is less than ours.
Then there are the wise people who have found the truth and have the courage to kindly share it, thus giving us an opportunity to learn and grow from our mistakes in judgment, like my teacher did.
We then have a choice – do we listen to the wise person who has the truth, or do we cling onto what we want to be true because it’s more fun or controversial?
And then if we do listen, what do we do about it? Do we just quietly move on, or do we acknowledge our faults and make things right? Do we go a step farther and work to prevent further events like that from happening?
I am pretty sure that since I don’t remember apologizing to Ross and then becoming his friend and advocate that I probably didn’t. I was only five, so I can’t be too hard on myself, but I truly wonder how Ross felt that day at school, and every other day.
I don’t remember clearly why he was made fun of so often, but I know looking back there was no good reason. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment just because they may be a little different.
I truly wish that I had befriended him – that I had had the courage to stand up to the bullies and be the friend Ross so desperately needed.
How many Rosses are in our lives, either in our circle or just someone we hear about on the news? How do we help them? Do we help them? Do we even realize they need help?
Tears are falling as I write this, because even though the story I am sharing isn’t earth-shattering, it teaches me such great lessons. I’m grateful that God helped me remember this.
I have grown up a lot since age five, and I do truly want to be more like my teacher. I want to be an advocate of truth, and I want to be an advocate for the persecuted as well. It bring a lot of fulfillment, peace and joy, knowing that what you are spreading is good for you and those around you.
I invite all of you to ponder on this little story as well! Search out those Rosses and give them the love and support they need. And help the truth of their worth, and other realities related to them, be known so they won’t be needless targets of unkindness.
I feel like I have written about judging others several times, but maybe that’s because I have lots of lessons to learn on it.
On August 23, I had a thought, and I feel it will stick with me forever. It was more or less this:
When you judge someone negatively, you may not necessarily be wrong in your judgment, but that judgment will keep you from having charity and respect for, and a strong relationship with that person.
Why did this come to mind? Well, for many years I have had difficulty really loving and building a bond with a certain person in my life. I always blamed that person but now I know it was my fault. I couldn’t get past certain problems I had with that person. I tried to look past them, and I prayed often, but I just couldn’t shake my negative judgments.
When talking about that person, I almost always would speak negatively, not even trying to. My feelings were just so imbedded inside me, I couldn’t see beyond them.
This may sound strange, but I know that my feelings weren’t intentional, but rather planted there by Satan because he knew just how important that relationship would be in my life. He didn’t want me to have it.
This person still has what I feel are significant flaws, but during a recent interaction with that person, something changed in me so drastically that I now feel nothing but love for, and a desire to help that person. I want to see that person happy!
My negative feelings are gone, just gone.
I cannot express the gratitude I have to my Heavenly Father for answering my prayers and helping me focus on how I could give to that person instead of criticize.
You see, criticizing people, whether internally or behind their backs, doesn’t help them get better. It doesn’t help them at all. And it certainly doesn’t help you. No, if you see opportunity for change in someone, the best thing to do is love that person, serve that person, and support that person.
I have always known that, but it took me finding compassion for that person within my heart, and thinking of that person’s perspective, as well as life hardships. That compassion transformed my feelings completely, and now I just want to help and love and cherish that person.
I am not sure if this person notices my change, since I have always been kind regardless of my feelings, but I can already see our relationship improving so much. It brings me so much joy.
Have you ever felt this way about someone? Maybe you do right now. I challenge you to reach deep within yourself. Think about how that person may be hurting, grasp onto the compassion that you have within your soul, and think about how you can help improve that person’s quality of life.
Early this month, from March 5-8, Jad and I went to Asheville, NC to celebrate our 10th anniversary. It was wonderful to go out and do exactly what we wanted and spend lots of time together, mostly stress-free. It was sweet, peaceful, and exciting – just what we needed.
But when we got back from our trip, we were hit hard with all the things we had to do, how busy our schedule was for that week and every week after, and how difficult the kids were to deal with. True, it was just our normal life again, but the contrast from the days before was astounding. We love our children to pieces and would do anything for them, but they weren’t making it easy for us!
Then, just a few days later we were told Orange County Schools would be closed from Monday, March 16 through at least April 3. But that wasn’t all – soccer was canceled, and then church, and as time has gone on, almost everything we would normally do with the kids or together has closed (i.e. children’s museums, movie theaters, libraries, restaurant dining rooms), with the exception of parks and nature trails.
What a whirlwind of a month! And yesterday we found out that school will be closed until at least May 15!
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling around my head from the past couple weeks.
Regarding School: I am definitely learning a lot more about patience and multi-tasking now that I have to home school. It was really hard the first couple days, but I’ve gotten the hang of it. We’ve been lucky, too. The teachers have been providing lots of assignments, online and paper, so we know what we need to do, at least for now.
Even though home schooling is hard and not ideal in many ways, many of my concerns have been alleviated: no bullying, no bad influences or temptations at school, and no uncomfortable bus rides. That has actually been a great blessing.
Of course it’s hard not being around friends, and some classes, like band, just can’t be done online, but being at home for schooling reduces the amount of time away from home and each other, and being at home helps the kids (especially Rigel) focus more.
Regarding Activities: To be honest, I was not that sad when soccer got canceled. I was so overwhelmed at how much time soccer for Kamren and Rigel (him especially) would be taking from our time together as a family, especially on the weekends. The boys were sad at first, but they haven’t mentioned it. And they still play soccer in the back yard sometimes. Tae Kwon Do took longer to be canceled, but it hasn’t been that hard without it. It’s a wonderful skill the boys are learning, but our Monday through Wednesday evenings have been clear. We haven’t had to rush anywhere, and the boys still practice their moves at home. It isn’t completely ideal that we can’t go to the museum or the library or many parks anymore, but the kids have been playing outside a lot, reading a lot, and Casey has also been teaching his brothers Dungeons and Dragons, which they play daily, so they are still having fun. Piano is a little different – they can’t go in person, but Casey and Rigel are doing online lessons, which is not as easy, but still works! I’m glad they are still practicing.
I am so happy, through all these changes that my kids aren’t on electronics and TV all the time, which has been great! So, even though I think the activities we normally have are good, we now know we can have just as much fun doing things at home. We’ve been having lots of fun outside and making fun food and treats. We also are feeling how nice it is not to have to rush everywhere all the time.
The one thing that I don’t like about just about everywhere being closed is that Jad and I really can’t go on date nights right now. We can obviously do things at home, but I miss getting out and about. I look forward to when we can go out on dates again!
Regarding Church and Church Activities: This one has been harder. I truly miss my church family, and the kids miss their church friends. It isn’t ideal that all church activities are canceled for now, we can’t go to church Sundays, nor can we do choir, etc. However, having church at home the past couple weeks has been lovely. It hasn’t been perfect, but I have felt the Spirit strongly as we have sung, prayed, had the Sacrament, bore testimony, discussed the scriptures together, and more.
I have an even stronger testimony of our prophet, President Nelson, who I know communes with God. Our church’s Come, Follow Me program came out a little over a year ago, and because we have it, we can have meaningful gospel discussion and learning in the home. We haven’t been worried about growing spiritually because of the abundance of wonderful resources our church has from manuals to videos to magazines to activities.
The biggest blow to me, out of all the closures, has been the temples being closed. I made a promise this year to attend the temple faithfully once a month. Due to the temple closures, I cannot keep that promise right now. There is no place I feel more peace than in the temple, and I have a strong testimony of the work that goes on there. I know that they will reopen soon enough, so I am waiting patiently for that day!
Regarding Social Distancing: This has also been so hard! We have so many friends, loved ones, and family in the area. Not being able to see them either not at all, or not as often, is really hard. I am so grateful, though, that we have modern technologies that allow us to text, call, send photos, and video chat. And since it is springtime, being outside together is usually pleasant!
So even though we don’t see many people right now, at least the six people in my house have each other to hold on to, and can feel the love from others through other means.
In General: I have gone from completely calm and full of faith, to overwhelmed, to a little worried, back to overwhelmed. There have been so many changes so fast, and there are so many unknowns. Yet, through it all, I still maintain my faith that God is with us and He knows exactly what’s going on. He’s there to help us through.
I know what my family is experiencing is only one of many experiences, and what is a blessing for me may actually be very difficult for someone else. I have compassion for those in very difficult situations at this time. I pray for you and wish the best for you. I do hope, though, that regardless of our circumstances surrounding this virus, that we can see blessings in it.
I have felt from the beginning of these temporary lifestyle changes that God is trying to wake us up, to tell us that we need to be prepared temporally and spiritually, because this is just the beginning of things that will happen on the earth in the last days. That doesn’t frighten me – it gives me hope because I know God is merciful.
Why is this virus here? Why has God allowed it? Perhaps that’s the biggest question for believers.
Well, there could be many reasons. It could be chastisement; it could be a please to turn back to Him; it could be a way to us to get our priorities straight and realize what really matters; it could be to unite us as people and families; it could be to encourage us to show compassion and give meaningful service to those who need it; or it could be all of those reasons and more.
All I know is, God is all-knowing and the circumstances surrounding this virus, though a nuisance and worrisome in many ways, have and will bring good fruits as we choose how we will react to them.
It may be a while before things go “back to normal,” and the question I have is, will there be a “new normal” when all is said and done? Perhaps, and it probably wouldn’t be a bad thing.
What have your experiences been during this time of quarantine? Have you seen blessings too? How has your life changed?
My daughter’s favorite show is currently Elena of Avalor. I don’t blame her – it’s funny, has some really interesting characters and stories, has catchy songs, and also teaches some really awesome life lessons. All of my boys even like it.
I was watching an episode with her today, an episode we have already seen, in fact, where Princess Elena and her best friend, Naomi, are busy planning an important festival for the entire kingdom. Then, a cousin of one of their royal staff, a young woman named Rita, shows up and has a keen desire to help with the festival. Things start going wrong all over the place, and Naomi has a sneaky suspicion that Rita is responsible.
When Naomi finally accuses Rita of specific wrongdoings, Rita sweetly denies it, and Princess Elena, rather than agree with her friend, expresses genuine worry about Naomi’s stress levels.
The audience knows that Rita is in fact not who she appears – she is actually an evil young woman named Carla who wants to steal a special crown from the treasury, and has only been pretending to be helpful so she could get to it.
Now, in real life we might have trouble figuring out if “Rita” were genuine or fake, friend or foe. Naomi probably should have gotten proof before attacking Rita’s intentions, and Elena probably should have been more supportive of her friend’s gut instincts.
This episode made me think about judgment. I know people who think that having any constructive opinion or concern about someone is wrong because “you are just being judgmental.”
But judging isn’t necessarily wrong – we have to do it all the time. We have to judge people and situations for our own well-being and safety.
Are we wrong sometimes? Absolutely. I can think of plenty of times I have been wrong, for better or for worse. Here are some examples:
I have blindly trusted someone for years, believing she was a victim of so much familial hatred, and it was only years later that I realized her true colors, that she was the prime source of the hatred, and that her family didn’t actually hate her at all. They just felt they had to keep their distance for their own well-being.
I have misjudged when someone was trying to hurt me, even my friends. Rather than give the benefit of the doubt, I have assumed the worst, letting my irrational hurt feelings cloud my sound logic.
I have taken sides in situations where I know for sure one person has done bad things and I have listened only to the words of the person who was hurt, not realizing that hurt often goes both ways.
I have had bad feelings toward someone, getting very frustrated at their seeming inadequacies, only to get context later that humbled me greatly.
On the other hand, I have judged someone more correctly than I would ever want to, only to be treated horribly for thinking about the safety of my family above all else.
Judgment can hurt whether you are correct or incorrect in your judgments. Does that mean we should never judge anyone and just assume everyone is always a good person who will only do good to you?
No, for that would be misguided. As I have thought over the years, I have learned some tips to help me in making appropriate judgments (something that will be a lifelong struggle for most of us, including myself):
When something doesn’t sound right or feel right, it probably isn’t. Trust your gut and do some investigating to confirm.
Look at a person’s fruits. Words aren’t nearly as powerful as someone’s actions over time (See St. Matthew 7:16-20).
It’s okay to be concerned about a person’s past. Just don’t let it define how you think about them forever. Let their present actions speak for them. People can, and often do change.
If someone you love has deeply hurt you, talk to that person. Don’t wait. Don’t stew. Don’t assume. Talk to that person. If he/she loved you before you got hurt, most likely that love didn’t just disappear into thin air.
When you are caught in the middle of two or more people and are not sure who to trust, talk to all of them. Get all perspectives. Make the best judgment you can and try to be supportive in whatever ways coincide with your values.
Be understanding if someone feels like they need to make constructive judgments about you or someone you care about. If someone is misinformed, please kindly and respectfully inform them, but if that person has valid concerns, respect them, realizing judgments in and of themselves are not bad.
Try not to make judgments based on looks alone, just one interaction, or solely the opinions of others. You should definitely the opinions of others into account, but don’t blindly believe everything you hear either.
When you make a judgment, ask yourself if you are being fair or kind. Do you really have enough information to make a fair judgment? If not, it would be best to postpone judgment.
Always remember that you are not perfect so you can’t expect others to be perfect. By the same token, some actions are far worse than others, and bad enough that precautions must be taken.
Pray for help to know how to handle and judge a particular person or situation when you just aren’t sure what to do.
I love the Savior’s Sermon on the Mount. In St. Matthew Chapter 7, he talks about judging. First, he says to “judge not.” Then he says that we will be judged the way we judge. He goes on to say we should worry about our own imperfections before pointing out everyone else’s. Finally, he said that we will know a person by his fruits, or his deeds.
These are wonderful words of wisdom from our Master, but can be a little confusing, for he seems to at first be saying not to judge at all, but then says how we should judge.
I love a talk that Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave at BYU in 1998. He discusses this very thing, and he makes it clear that final judgments are what are wrong, where we look at one particular part of someone’s life and decide what type of person they are and always will be. That is not up to us – only God can make final judgments. But, it is acceptable to make righteous “intermediate” judgments. Please read his talk linked above. It helps so much!
The most important thing I take from all this it is that we need to remember that Christ atoned for all of us. We all have our moral agency to do wrong, but we also have the moral agency to turn our lives around and do better. That is a gift we all have, and it isn’t our place to determine what someone deserves eternally. And even if we make an intermediate judgment that someone or something isn’t good for our well-being and safety at this time, it’s important to keep our minds and hearts open to the possibility of change later. That’s why we need to continuously pray for what to do, and how to handle people and situations.
I pray that people forgive me when I do wrong and do not judge me on one thing I have done, or the way I was at one time of my life. If that is what I want for myself, then I must do my best to give that same courtesy to others.
Judging is a tricky business, and Satan uses it to bring contention, pain, and hopelessness. I hope we can all try to judge righteously so we can still feel love and hope for others regardless of the intermediate judgments we must make each and every day.
I remember the day I turned 22. It was only a couple months after my divorce was finalized, and a month after I had moved to North Carolina to live with my parents (along with my nearly 1-year-old son, Casey). At that point, I had been attending the LDS Singles Ward (congregation) in Chapel Hill, and had made a handful of friends. Some of them took me for ice cream that night, and I remember saying that I felt old being 22. As ridiculous as that sounds, I think I must have felt old because of all that had happened to me in my life up until that point.
That year was one of the hardest of my life, trying to figure out who I was again, seeing where I fit in and who would accept me, and looking for the path that would lead me out of my current, difficult situation.
I didn’t remember at that time that I was a beloved daughter of God, that He loved me no matter my circumstances, that I should be grateful for my experiences, and that I was indeed blessed. It took me a lot of time not to define myself by things I couldn’t control.
I may have felt old at age 22, but since then, as I have aged, I haven’t concentrated on getting older, but rather, getting wiser.
I am 33 today. Eleven years ago, I would have freaked out about turning this age. Honestly, though, these last 11 years have included some of the most important, difficult, and miraculous experiences of my life: finding an excellent job, dating and getting remarried, quitting the job I loved after having our first child together, having faith that my husband would survive a surgery that would remove a huge mass of his liver, buying our first house, bearing a son early and unexpectedly in the master bathroom at home, taking a leap of faith and taking steps for my husband to completely change careers by going back to school, and finally having our baby girl, though prematurely.
Those are only some of the experiences I will never forget for the rest of my life that have happened in the last 11 years. I can’t express how much each of those experiences means to me. They have each strengthened my faith in Christ, and helped me remember how much God loves me, and how much His hand guides my life, and the lives of my family members.
That being said, though, this past year has also been one of the hardest of my life. First, though, I must express how it has been one of the most joyful at the same time: I had the pleasure of planning for a baby girl to arrive in my home, and I got to deliver her, bond with her in the hospital, and then take her home and enjoy raising her. Eve has brought so much joy to our home, joy that we all truly needed. She has brought a tenderness to my boys that I didn’t realize they had.
Why was year 32 so hard, then? Well, during pregnancy, I gained more weight than I ever have, while trying very hard not to do so. Since having Eve, I have tried to lose weight, and was successful in losing 20 pounds, only to find out I just gained nearly all of it back on vacation. It has been so hard for me to lose my baby weight, and I often feel so gross. My confidence has been low. For a while, I gained some confidence back after finding a clothing line I felt beautiful in. But then, I found myself buying way too much, and that turned into a temporary shopping addiction that I had to work really hard to overcome. Thankfully, I have.
I also haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all this past year, not to mention I have also been busier than I have ever been in my life (hence why I never blog anymore). Having four kids is no joke, especially when you have two boys that fight all the time, and a baby girl, though precious, who wants you to hold her and give her attention all day long.
Being busy and sleepy leads to more eating as a way to cope with stress, doesn’t it? Well, at least it does for me. I think that is why I am having such a hard time getting healthy again.
I have been down quite a bit this year. I have never been one to be depressed. I am usually the type of person who is there cheering other people up and having a positive outlook on life. I can be that person still, but sometimes I find myself saying things I know aren’t true (like, I am the ugliest person on earth, for example) and I sometimes just cry and can’t deal with everything around me. Yes, life is hard right now.
The good thing is, that in moments of peace and clarity, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I will eventually get healthy again, as I always do. I know that as my kids continue to get older, that they will grow out of some very frustrating stages. I know that my husband loves me (even when I irrationally think otherwise), and that he will be there for me through it all. Most of all, I know what I learned years ago, that I am a beloved daughter of God, that He loves me and wants me to have joy.
I pray that age 33 gets a little easier, but if it doesn’t, I know the Lord will help me endure what comes. I also know that through the lessons I learn, I can help others. I try to focus on the positives as much as I can. I have my beautiful family, my husband moving up in his career, loving friends and extended family, a good home and all the necessities of life, and most importantly, the gospel of Jesus Christ.
If any of my friends or family is struggling right now, just know that though I am also struggling, I am here for you. I am always willing to lend an ear, a hand, or an embrace.
Here is to another year. I look forward to what it will bring, good and bad. I know I can do anything with the Lord’s help, as can you.
There are some very special people in my life who I love with my whole soul. One such person is my beloved Nana, Lois Jordan. Today, she turns 77 years young, and I want to express my appreciation and love for her today.
When I was growing up, one of my very favorite places to go was “Nana’s House.” There was just something magical about that place. There was the front yard that we loved to run around in. There was the attic, where I would find old clothes and collect them for costumes. There was the music room where Granddad taught us piano lessons. We often enjoyed the treats from the massive cookie jar in the room. There was the great room, so beautifully decorated, especially at Christmastime – Nana would have angels all around, and the most beautifully-decorated Christmas tree you ever did see. There was the dining room, where Nana would lay out the best silverware, tablecloths, and glasses for special occasions. My favorite room, though, was probably the kitchen. Nana almost always had cookies in the cookie jar, or Peppermint Patties stashed in one of the cupboards. She would make the best toast in the world for us whenever we wanted. Nana is one of the best cooks and bakers I have ever met. We were always spoiled each Thanksgiving and Christmas with the enormous amount of food she would make. For Christmas, she would make so many cookies and other treats that we didn’t even really need dinner (but we still ate it happily). I loved that house with all of my heart. Just sitting on the porch or back deck, looking at the trees, would bring me peace. Why? Because two people I loved dearly lived there and brought a beautiful spirit to it.
Because of my Nana, I found a great love for singing. Have you ever heard her sing? She says that her voice isn’t what it used to be, but every time I hear her sing next to me in church, my mind goes back to my childhood and how much I loved to hear her sing. She was the chorister in our ward (congregation) all during my childhood and adolescence, with Granddad at the organ. What a pair they were.
You will never meet anyone more generous than Nana. She would give you the shirt off her back. I can’t tell you how many times I would admire something of hers, and she would immediately offer it to me. She loves beautiful jewelry, clothes, shoes, and decorations, but the love she has for her family is so much stronger. When I was a little girl, I remember more than once Nana taking me into her large closet, and pulling out a special gift just for me. I always felt so special whenever my Nana would give me something, even if it was something very old she thought I would enjoy.
I have always thought my Nana was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She doesn’t see that, but I truly have always thought that. From her fluffy hair to her lovely nails to her pink cheeks to her stylish shoes, she was and is beautiful. What makes her even more beautiful is her smile and her jolly laugh , complete with her tongue on her upper lip.
She is also so dainty. I love her sneeze. She usually sneezes three times in the row in a little high pitched tone, and then says “Excuse me” sweetly. She always has handkerchiefs with her. I have a couple hankies of hers, and I will always keep them.
Nana always has gum and red cream to keep hands soft. I remember growing up when would take my hand very gently in hers and rub the red cream onto my hands. It was so tender, and my hands were always so soft afterwards.
Nana is very smart and well-traveled. I love hearing her tell about her experiences, specifically to Egypt, Israel, and Jordan. I think that is why she has such a special connection with Jad. She liked him from the very beginning.
She also has a great knowledge of the scriptures. Speaking of her scriptures, she carries dried flowers in them as well as pictures of her loved ones, and even special papers, such as a poem I wrote for her when I was young. It means so much to me that she has kept it all these years.
My Nana and I share so many memories, and we also share a tradition. When we say goodbye to each other, we alternate saying the words to a song called “A Bushel and a Peck.” Ever since I was a little girl, Nana has smiled at me and playfully said, “I love you a bushel and a peck.” Then I will say, “And a hug around the neck.” Then she will say, “A Barrel in a heap.” Then it is my turn with, “Talkin’ in my sleep.” To end, we both say, “About you!” and hug each other.
This tradition means so much to me. Perhaps I didn’t realize how much until my baby shower in November 2016. I wasn’t expecting a gift from her because she had already given me one, but there it was. I opened it, and burst into tears. It was a large wall-hanging that said, ” I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” At the bottom were pictures with her and me in them when I was little and then a picture of my baby girl with my mother. It was, by far, the most sentimental gift I received at my shower, or perhaps ever.
I have always considered my Nana one of my best friends. I feel safe with her, and happy. I love spending time with her. We get together most Wednesdays at her apartment to chat and maybe watch some TV. I love watching old movies, and when I was a teenager she turned me on to them. She loves movies, and there are so many amazing ones from long ago still worth watching.
She is a wonderful Nana to me and my siblings, and a wonderful Big Nana to her great grandchildren – my children. Casey, Rigel, Kamren and Eve are so blessed to have their Big Nana near them. She loves them so much. As she sits next to them, or reads them books, or gives them little treats, I am reminded of my childhood and how much I enjoyed my Nana.
She is a passionate and opinionated woman, and always speaks her mind. She will tell you exactly what she thinks. But, even in those rare instances where I don’t agree or relate to everything she is saying, I can still hold onto the image and memories of the woman who has filled my life with indescribable joy.
We spoiled her yesterday by making her a lovely meal and ice cream cake, and giving her gifts. She was so excited about the cute things from the boys, and her camel pin. She loves camels, maybe even more than Jad does.
Nana, I love you. You are one of the most extraordinary people I know. You have been through so much in your life, and are stronger than you realize. You are more loved and respected then you will probably ever know. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. There is so much more I could say about you if I had more time to ponder and write. Granddad called you his queen. That is one of my favorite memories of him, for it showed his true love and devotion to you. Never forget how much you are loved.
I have spent a lot of time crying this pregnancy. Some of it has been tears of joy as I finally got pregnant after nearly a year of trying, or finding out that I was finally having a little girl after preparing myself to have a fourth boy. I wish I could say my tears were all joyful, but too many of them have not been.
During my second trimester, I was overly sensitive and everything bothered me. I found myself bursting into tears, thinking certain people in my life hated me, or didn’t love me. I still sometimes have episodes like that.
Lately, though, most of my tears, sadness, and even low self-esteem have come from being the biggest I have ever been when pregnant. I weigh so much more than I ever have, I have gained more weight than I ever have, I have been so much more swollen than I ever have, and because of that, I often feel ugly and gross. What’s ironic is that this pregnancy I have been the most physically active, and most mentally prepared to be better in my eating and exercise habits. Alas, though, regardless of how active I tried to be or how well I ate, my weight has kept piling on…and I am only 33.5 weeks.
Yep, I feel pretty sorry for myself quite often. Last week, my family did a series of day trips, and nearly every picture of me had me groaning in disbelief at how awful I looked. Ah, look at my fat neck, or fat thighs, or never-ending belly rolls. My husband didn’t like me deleting or cropping myself out of pictures, so I kept some, even if I felt I still looked bad.
Why am I saying all this? I promise it isn’t for pity. Maybe I want you to know I am self-aware that I don’t look healthy. But, mostly, (believe it or not), it is to help me focus on what matters most. I know in my head that outward beauty is insignificant. I don’t usually judge myself on my looks, and I am sure most of us don’t completely. But, something happens to us when we don’t look like we know we can or should. We are our own worst critics, and our self-criticism eats at us until we sob in despair at a moment’s notice and call ourselves names, forgetting who we really are and all we offer.
The other day, I posted a picture of myself from when I was 18 on Facebook and Instagram.
This was actually 14 years ago. Oddly, I thought my hips were too big even then.
I didn’t think anything of it really. It wasn’t a “woe is me” post, or a “look how good I used to look post”, but just a nonchalant wish of looking like that again. I was surprised at some of the comments I got:
I have those same thoughts about me! Then I look at my amazing kids, and I’m happy to trade the better body for them…
Beautiful then and now. The thing I noticed first about you when I moved into our ward is how you always have a smile on your face. You definitely glow.
Lovely, but it is good to remember there are so many more important things than our size. You are a truly beautiful person! Always!
I hadn’t posted that picture looking for comments like that, but you know what? I needed them. I needed to be reminded that beauty is not in our outward appearances alone, but most importantly, in our deeds, our words, our characters, and our hearts.
These comments reminded me of a post a friend of mine did earlier in the month. She asked:
Why is it the most beautiful women are the most insecure? If they only knew…
I responded:
Maybe they realize outer beauty isn’t lasting or most important. Maybe they don’t know what else they can offer. I wish everyone knew it was heart, character and actions that make you attractive and confident.
She agreed and sweetly said:
Exactly!! That’s one reason I find you beautiful… You’re so kind and caring!
I was so grateful for her comment. Sometimes I don’t realize that people see good attributes in me. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes – that nobody can see who we really are – that perhaps they are judging us on our outwards looks and clothing and talents alone? I wanted to make sure this friend knew she was beautiful too, and that I appreciated her:
Aw, you are sweet! As are you! You have an infectious, cheerful smile. People need to see it!
So, yes! I am a huge believer that beauty shines in our countenances. It comes from the inside out. I have always cherished this scripture:
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
You know what I just realized? When I spend all this effort and energy feeling sorry for myself and how awful I look, my countenance doesn’t shine. On the contrary, it exhibits nothing but clouds, rain, and darkness. SATAN wants me to feel this way. He wants me to focus on what is “wrong” with me physically so I don’t take the time to build myself spiritually. He wants me to feel sorry for myself so that I feel like I have nothing to contribute, that people don’t want to be around me, and that I can’t be trusted in taking care of others since I clearly don’t take care of myself.
If you are reading this and feeling like I have been feeling, let’s give each other a virtual hug. Let’s think about what we love about each other. Let’s truly look on the heart – our own hearts and the hearts of those around us. Let’s encourage each other to remember our worth. Let’s help each other remember that the Lord will test us throughout our lives, and that those tests ultimately lead to cherished lessons.
The lessons I believe the Lord is trying to teach me during this trial are that:
I need to focus on the joy this pregnancy is bringing me, not the pain (physical and emotional).
I must keep a spiritual perspective on beauty and worth (mine and others) because that is what He does.
I have to hold close to those who love me most, and know they love me no matter what.
No matter what our reasons are for feeling less than beautiful, may we strive to remember that God defines beauty differently. What does your heart look like? Keep it clean and pure and strong. This is what matters to Him.
