I am thinking about it a lot right now. For much of this school year, I have been so very concerned and upset about one of my kids’ teachers. I have contacted the principal more times than I can count, and have felt so helpless thinking my son has a terrible teacher who never communicates and is incompetent. It has gotten to the point where I have almost had him put in another class.
I felt a very similar concern a few years ago, when another of my sons was in kindergarten. Once, after a particularly difficult incident of bullying, I contacted the principal expressing my concerns from the entire year, saying that I felt that my son wasn’t loved or praised at all, but rather always put down and targeted. I felt that no extra care had been taken with him to help him succeed in school, and I had actually not even been aware he was struggling until half the year was over. I really felt like his teacher didn’t have his best interests at heart.
In both situations, I felt that my boys’ teachers weren’t doing their jobs well, and I had plenty of evidence to prove it.
I was reminded of that kindergarten teacher today, and how after a meeting with her and the principal three years ago, she had pulled me aside, put her hand on my shoulder gently, and told me she was on my side and my son’s side. She even made sure he got the best teacher for his needs the following year. I ended up sending her a grateful email for her kindness. This experience had crossed my mind more than once this year, but I set it aside thinking this teacher was so much worse!
Now fast forward to today and the current teacher problem. I was so nervous to meet with her for my son’s parent/teacher conference. I wasn’t sure what she knew about my communications with the principal, and I was on edge. Well, as I approached the building, she was saying goodbye to another parent that she had just walked to the door.
She kindly greeted me and started a conversation about Halloween as we walked to her classroom. She even spoke of the weather last night as being appropriate for the night, which was cool because I had said the same thing to my family the night before.
We sat down, and though her desk and room were a bit messy and she wasn’t super organized, she spoke about my son’s strengths and needs articulately, and was very complimentary of his behavior. She even complimented Jad and I as parents due to how respectful and kind our son is at school.
Things were going better than I expected. I felt a little nudge to offer to help her by cutting things out or sharpening pencils. She laughed and said she will probably take me up on that since she is so busy and she isn’t too fond of cutting circles and sharpening pencils. I realized then that not once that year had she (or any teacher of my kids) sent a message asking for help with classroom needs. At my kids’ last school, we were asked on a weekly basis (sometimes more) to help the teachers.
After I offered this help, which I imagine she greatly needs, she opened up about different things, and a lot of the issues I had with her suddenly started to make sense. She had come from a different county and was getting used to how things work in this one. She expressed frustration with some of the same things I have been frustrated about, such as books that are sent home. As we talked, I offered some suggestions to help, and she liked what I had to say.
During our meeting she also apologized for some of the confusion that had happened with homework and she invited me to text her anytime I had a question.
Through talking to her, I realized that she isn’t incredibly technologically savvy, and she also thought she had to use her own data to send messages at school. I was able to offer some insight and suggestions there.
Finally, she solemnly told me that her sister is chronically ill, and that has kept her distracted somewhat. I felt such a sympathy for her. Life clearly is very hard for her right now, and look at me, a judgmental parent who has been complaining about her weekly to the principal.
As this teacher walked me to the door and said a warm goodbye, I felt like we had connected, and I felt a lot of peace and hope. I also felt humbled.
As I walked to the car, I realized how I had misjudged her. I should have learned from the first time I misjudged a teacher three years ago.
My concerns – have they been valid in both cases? Yes, absolutely. Were those concerns the complete fault of the teacher? Maybe not. Could some of the issues and bad feelings been solved and avoided with a face-to-face meeting? Absolutely!
I am not 100% sure that all of my many concerns with my son’s teacher will be resolved after this one meeting, but I now have had a chance to get to know his teacher some. I have seen her humanity and her struggles, as well as her good intentions. I now can be certain that I can contact her (in the way she is most comfortable) and she will do her best.
I don’t know if me writing this will help anyone, but it has helped me to get it out. I won’t pretend that these have been my only two instances of ever misjudging people, but perhaps these are the two that will always stay closest to my mind.
So, if you find yourself really frustrated with a teacher or someone else who is supposed to be a person of trust to you or your family members, perhaps the best thing to do would be to sit down and get to know that person better. You may find that you were mistaken in some ways, and that in the ways you weren’t, perhaps you can be a help. Rise to the occasion you want the other person to rise up to and try to be a team if you can.
I think at the end of the day, we are all doing our best – sometimes our best is quite different (maybe drastically different) than somebody else’s best, but I think if we all tried to see the potential in each other, we would care for and respect each other a lot more.
So, learn from my experiences, and talk to the source. That source probably isn’t as bad as you think. They just don’t know what you are feeling unless you tell them. Don’t be afraid like I have been – we are all human, after all.
My husband and I started an ecommerce business called PB and Apple Jelly a little over four months ago. It has been a ton of hard work with successes here and failures there, with a lot of learning and frustration in between.
A little over a month ago, Fred Lam, the 29-year-old multi-millionaire entrepreneur who created the system we use to operate our store, announced that he would be choosing up to 25 people to come to an elite training in February to really scale up their businesses. It sounded great, and Jad and I thought it would be a good idea to fill out the application just in case. But, there were a lot of issues with the sign-up page, and we thought our opportunity was gone. Over a hundred people had already signed up before us, after all.
But the page was fixed the next day and we were able to fill out the application and sign up for a phone interview. Long story short, the phone interview went very well, and the elite member I interviewed with said he was very impressed with our story and our store and wanted us to have the opportunity to go to this workshop. It would come with a cost, though. It was a BIG cost.
I talked to Jad about it, and with thought, prayer, and reflection on what it really takes to make a business grow, we decided to go for it. There were preparations to be done. As the day drew upon us for me to leave the kids, it was really hard for me. I was afraid to drive to Maryland by myself, and I was worried about how Eve would do since I had never left her. I left my family on the morning of January 31 with many kisses and hugs, and got in the car to go to this Elite workshop.
My day ended up being so wonderful. Here is my account:
Today has been quite a day! I said goodbye to my babies and husband this morning so I could drive up to Maryland to do a four-day elite training workshop to help me scale up my little store. I hated saying goodbye to them, and I was very nervous about driving by myself up there, but Jad gave me a blessing and I found myself calm and at peace as I made the 4.5 hour trek.
I decided to go to the Washington DC Temple before I headed to my hotel. I first spent some time in the beautiful visitors center where I got to watch two very spirit-filled videos about Oliver Cowdery and David Whitmer. Their stories are full of miracles and they truly had great missions to fulfill in the restoration of the gospel of Christ.
Then I went to the temple. I was last there at my cousin’s wedding, but hadn’t done an endowment session there since I did my own in 2003. It was a very different experience being in such a huge temple, but everyone was so helpful. The beauty and spirit in the House of the Lord is unparalleled. I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost more strongly today than I have felt in a long time. I turned to a passage of scripture after my session that brought clarity to me, and gratitude. I didn’t want to leave the temple.
I could have stayed there forever, but it was getting dark and I had to get to my hotel. Driving to Gaithersburg from Kensington was very scary. There was major traffic, blinding lights, and unfamiliar roads. I sang hymns all the way to the hotel and prayed in my heart that I would be safe. I was, and I am so grateful.
I took a walk alone by the lake and shopping mall behind the hotel after checking in. It felt lonely, but I was able to reflect on my many blessings. I miss my family, but I know that this trip will be for my and my family’s good. I thank my Heavenly Father for His hand in my life.
Here is the scripture I read in the temple:
Mosiah 3:19 from the Book of Mormon: For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
The part that stood out to me the most was ‘willing to submit to all the things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him…’
The clarity came that I need to always submit to the Lord’s will, and accept and find peace in the trials that come my way instead of fighting them and being frustrated or impatient or downtrodden. If I am living righteously, then I must trust that all things that come my way, joyful or sorrowful, are for my benefit.
It’s pretty cool to me that the hotel chosen for this training was a Marriott, and every Marriott hotel has a Bible and Book of Mormon in the bedside table drawer.
I went to bed that night nervous about the next day, but filled with joy and peace. I made sure I made it to breakfast right at 8. There weren’t that many people there, but those that were already there told me about the assigned seats. I found my name tag, a notebook, and a white journal. I introduced myself to those there already, and we all admitted we were nervous and didn’t know what to expect. Breakfast was delicious. Finally, right before 9, Fred Lam came in. It was amazing to see him. He was a short man, but I knew how powerful he was.
At the beginning of the day, after breakfast, an elite member named Jedi, got up and asked us to write down what was holding us back from being successful in our businesses. He told us to write in great detail and then rip it out of our books. Then he asked us to follow him outside. He had a bowl and asked us to put our papers in the bowl. He set the papers on fire. The ashes flew all around him and us, and then blew away with the wind.
That exercise immediately helped us all calm down, find a way to connect with each other, and have the mindset that we can accomplish anything. Nothing can hold us back if we don’t let it.
That first day was full of tons of hard work, and though we were supposed to be done by 5, most of us didn’t leave until almost 6. We were exhausted and overwhelmed.
I was hungry and decided to get some dinner. I walked all around the huge strip mall behind our hotel, and found a diner. The food was delicious, but I knew I had to get back to work. So much for having relaxing evenings. Oh well.
I won’t tell you about every single detail about every day because I know you don’t care. But, there are a few things I want to share that mean so much to me.
I can’t remember exactly what day it was, but we were asked to write down our “perfect day,” a day that would exist when our businesses are thriving and money is no longer an issue. I surprised myself as I reflected and wrote. My perfect day looked very much like any other day. The difference was that Jad was with us, that we could do what we wished together without worrying about money, and that we could serve others around us, thinking first about their joy, and not about the financial burden. The end of my perfect day was Jad and I planning our family trip to Jordan. It amazed me just how much that means to me, to visit my husband’s homeland and have my children learn and appreciate the culture and history. That was my perfect day – not fancy vacations or going to the spa or shopping all day – it was having a full, joyous day with the people I love most.
Each day we had different motivational moments to help us get into different mindsets and know what is really most important to us. These moments were the smallest moments, but some of the sweetest.
One day, we were shown an image with words starting at the bottom and going up. It read like this:
Light=Reality
Gravity
Thought
Feeling
Acceptance
I Am
“I Am” refers to what I want for myself. The “Acceptance” is knowing this can happen. The “Feeling” part is related directly to the “Thoughts.” If we think back to times where we had joy and prosperity, our thoughts will be positive and will weigh upon us so much that it can become our reality.
This exercise, and others like it, were not religious in nature at all. In fact, most of our visuals and videos were incredibly scientific in nature, but each and every time, I thought of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. With this visual, I thought about the fact that “I am a daughter of God.” As I accept this, I know that with God nothing is impossible for me. When I thought of my most joyous moments, my thoughts went to the day my husband and I were sealed in the temple, and I thought about the day each of my babies were born. I felt the Spirit so strongly so often during my trip.
On another day, we had to write why we really want to be successful in our E-Commerce business. Once we wrote that, we had to keep asking ourselves why the previous statement was important until we drilled down to the heart of our “why.” This exercise was so important to me and to others in the group. As many of us shared, I got teary-eyed. We came from so many different backgrounds and experiences, but our final “whys” were so similar most of the time. We aren’t doing our businesses because of money, cars, or big houses. Most of us deep down want to help others or spend more time with who matters most.
Here are my “whys:”
We needed more money. It was my husband’s idea after great research. He prayed about it and felt good about it. I wasn’t on board at first, but because I trusted him, I prayed about it too. I felt good about it as well, so we started. I put so much work into it, I wanted to succeed.
The previous statement is important to me because I have faith in answers to prayer and because I love my husband and family. I also do not like to fail.
I believe in God and that He loves me and my family and wants us to be happy. I believe I was given talents and skills for a reason.
God gives me purpose to my life and I know He has a plan for me.
If He has a plan for me, then He will tell me what it is and I will need to follow it.
God has already given me answers in my life because of how I have already been blessed and have been able to bless others.
I am kind, compassionate, hard-working and service-oriented, and through this endeavor, I can bless more lives through my store, and through the funds we get, we can help the poor and needy by helping them find success and joy in their lives. I want my children to be involved in blessing others so they can be the best they can be.
None of this is about the money. It is about fulfilling my mission on this earth. It is about being like Christ and bearing one another’s burdens.
Jedi, our motivational speaker each day, presented to us a “power move” that he does when he gets an order. He asked us to do his with him, and it felt great. The next day, the last day, he asked us to come up and do ours. I never went up because if I were to do one, it would be very different than what he was looking for. I told a colleague later that night that if I were to do a power move, it would be me looking up and thanking my Heavenly Father for this blessing. I get my power from Him.
This trip did so much for me. I needed it, and God knew that. I was able to:
Remember good points of my childhood as I passed Kings Dominion, Potomac Mills, and see the temple.
I was able to have a wonderful time visiting my brother, Aaron, on Saturday. We had dinner, saw The Greatest Showman, and talked. We laughed a ton, and also had many poignant conversations.
I was able to really miss my family. It made me love them more.
I had time alone to focus and to reflect on my life. I didn’t do much vegging like I thought I would, but then, that wasn’t what I needed.
I was able to learn from the best of the best. Fred Lam was very down-to-earth, and so easy to talk to. He answered all my questions, was very encouraging and patient, and celebrated each person’s victories as they happened. I never expected him to call me a “Ninja,” compliment my store and my children, or give me a big hug the last night.
I saw goodness in myself as I always acknowledged everyone with a “Good morning” and a smile. I talked to and complimented the food staff and other staff as much as I could, always being grateful. I was very aware of that gift in myself, and I am so grateful for it. The smiles from everyone meant so much to me.
I made new friends and had so many valuable conversations. Sometimes it was just about the job – helping people with their ads, etc. But I also got to encourage others, talk about parenting, memories, and most importantly, Heavenly Father. I had so many opportunities to talk about faith with other people, and I absolutely loved the experience.
I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost so abundantly when I was gone. I read my scriptures twice a day and prayed more. I am sure that helped me a lot. And when we did meditation exercises, I was just filled with light. It permeated through my body as I thought about my family, my blessings, and about my loving Heavenly Father, and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Saying goodbye to everyone Sunday night before retiring to my room was so hard. I had met some absolutely wonderful people from all around the world, such as Australia, Dubai, Canada, Africa, and more. At my table all week were Scott, Relfe and Ricardo. I had some great heart-to-heart conversations all week with them. I also had some lovely conversations with others (like Julie, Michael, Sanja) about God, about parenting, how to find joy in your life, and more. I feel so incredibly blessed to have met all of these people. Many people came up to me, even those I hadn’t really talked to much, saying how much I inspired them and how my story, enthusiasm, and success bring them hope. It touches my heart so deeply to think that my actions and words could really affect others so much.
Yesterday morning, I got up very early and left the hotel a little after 6AM. The parking lot was very icy and it was incredibly cold outside. It was nerve-wracking to leave in the dark in these conditions. But, I said a heart-felt prayer. For a long time while I was driving in the dark through the huge cities, I kept singing one song over and over. It has always been a favorite, but now it is my absolute favorite and has brought me so much peace. It is called A Child’s Prayer and goes like this:
1. Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child’s prayer?
Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.
Heavenly Father, I remember now, something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
‘Suffer the children to come to me.’ Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee.
2. Pray. He is there. Speak. He is listening.
You are his child. His love now surrounds you.
He hears your prayer. He loves the children.
Of such is the kingdom – the kingdom of Heav’n.
This song may be written for children, but it applies to us all. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is really there. I know he answers my prayers. I truly felt Heaven all around me on my trip. His love filled my heart and soul, and permeated from my body. I felt God’s love for me and for His children. He helped me truly love others that I just met, and helped me have an even greater eternal love for my husband and children.
I think they felt it too, as we had a very sweet am emotional reuniting.
This trip was for business. Its purpose was to help me become more successful in my store. It already has, and will continue to as I apply the new knowledge and resources I have. But, what is more important to me is how it has changed my heart and changed my life for the better. I pray I always remember this experience.
I think I am a “too much on my plate” kind of person. Is that crazy to say?
I have been thinking about it, and even though people I care about tell me I do too much and need to slow down, I just can’t imagine myself ever doing that. I love to be busy, and I love to accomplish things. I love to help others, and I love to use my talents.
If I have a prompting to bring someone a meal or to call someone, I do it. If someone asks me to help with something, I do it. If I have my own idea of something that would be fun or rewarding to do, I do it. If I feel bad that I haven’t done enough for someone or something, I do more.
Why I am like that, I do not know. Sometimes I wish I weren’t like that because I am so stressed and tired so much of the time. When I am those things, I get more emotional too.
But, I really think that God made me that way, to be someone who can persist, work hard, think on her feet, and go, go, go. I see it as a strength more than a weakness, even though it is really hard sometimes.
I think of what I have chosen to put in my life beyond the obvious (husband, kids, friends, faith), and I can’t think of much I would want to take out. Singing in church choir, singing in Messiah in Mebane, babysitting or bringing meals to others, spending time with friends who need someone to talk to, directing a Christmas pageant, owning and operating a business, volunteering to speak and do a musical number at another church – these are things I wouldn’t go back and change or take out of my life. I see so many blessings from singing praises, doing service, and using the talents God has given me.
I like to bring people together. I like to see people smile. I like to help others see their worth. I like to work to be better than who I am now.
Jad and I were sitting in the backyard last night drinking cocoa and watching the fire crackling, and I said, “Maybe our lives are supposed to be full of sacrifices to appreciate all that God has done for us.” Jad is just as busy as I am – we are both so busy, and we are trying to also spend as much time as we can with our kids and each other, keeping our eye on what matters most. That is hard in itself, but as we read scriptures as a family last night, we talked about how if we remember why we are on earth, and make our choices to help us be worthy to meet God again, we will be doing everything we should be.
We aren’t perfect. Life is really hard, but I think that Jad and I are a great match of two people who add a lot to our plates, not so we can hoard all the goodness, but so we can share that goodness with others.
We want to help anyone who needs it however we can. We feel called to do that. And we will do our very best each time.
With all that being said, though, how do we get rid of the feelings of being insanely busy, too busy for a good night’s rest, too busy to keep a clean house, too busy to truly relax?
Well, there must be things we can remove from our lives to help. The thought occurred to me that I can cut down on social media. That will help me pay closer attention to what is going on around me, and keep my mind clear. I deleted myself from some Facebook groups, that though they are well-meaning, take up way too much of my time.
And then the other thought I had was to have weekly date nights with Jad. We are going to try to plan that somehow. We know that to feel better about our busy lives, we need more quality time together where we can really be ourselves and not worry about anything.
So, we will probably make these small changes and that’s it! We feel that being super busy all the time is just our life. What we can change is how we handle it.
Honestly, being busy is probably most people’s life, and it is hard for all of us! What is important to us will look different, just as what causes us stress will look different. Perhaps the best thing we can do is figure out if we are at a good busy, or just a busy for busyness’s sake busy, or a bad busy, and then make adjustments accordingly amidst sincere personal reflection. Sometimes that does mean removing a significant amount of things out of our lives or just learning to say “no.”
I know that my family and God should be my top priorities, and if I do my best to serve my family, God, and His children, then He will help me endure all that I must go through in this life, whether it is a little stress or a heartbreaking trial.
God gave us all gifts and talents for a reason, gifts that will bless those around us. We meet people for a reason. We are in the places we are at the time we are for a reason. Let’s focus on the reason, and our full plate will surely become a great blessing in our lives!
About a month ago, Jad approached me with an idea. He was really excited about this idea, and had spent a lot of time thinking about it, researching it, and watching sales pitches on it. After all this, and praying about it, he felt he should involve me in the idea.
I admit that at first I was hurt that he hadn’t involved me earlier, but it was just his style to study it out before wasting my time. Anyway, after he started showing me some things, I slowly started warming up to the idea. And before we knew it, it was a month later.
This past month has involved hours of training videos, hours of brainstorming, and hours of building up this idea. Many more hours have been spent editing, with more and more ideas flowing forth each day.
What am I talking about? I am talking about a new business – an online store.
It may not sound that exciting at first, but when you think about the fact that Jad and I CREATED it ourselves – that we spent so much time carefully choosing a website name, crafting a logo, finding our passion, and finding our why for it all, it really is.
Jad has been the graphic designer for our site (i.e. logo, slides, business cards, etc.), and has been more of a behind-the-scenes player, while I have been the one crafting all the verbiage, setting up our email and social media pages, building the store, adding the products, editing everything, etc. It may look like I have done more, but Jad was a rock star at picking up the slack around the house – taking the kids to dance, cleaning, cooking, etc. I couldn’t have done any of it without him.
It has been a labor of love – a very stressful labor of love. Our free time the last month has been mostly devoted to the store, especially in the last two weeks. I have sat at the computer until I thought my eyes would burn, but today, we can both truly say that we are proud of what we have built. We are at peace, and we are excited. It will be hard work, but it will also be fun and beneficial.
When we were thinking of what were passionate about, we realized that FAMILY is our passion. We know that family should bring us incomprehensible joy, but also recognize that that joy can be overshadowed by heavy stress and messes. So, our site was built with families in mind. We truly want to provide items that will make YOUR life easier, more comfortable, more convenient, and more enjoyable, so you can spend more time on what matters most with WHO matters most.
Our website name is PB and Apple Jelly. Some of you will get the Apple Jelly part of it, but for those of you who don’t know, when Jad and I got married, a friend I worked with said that my new last name (Al-Bjaly), sounded like Apple Jelly. I never forgot that, and have had an email address for years with the prefix mrsapplejelly. It has become kind of our trademark. And then we thought about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. What are they like? Well, they are a sweet, easy, convenient, comfort food that brings a smile to those who enjoy them. We thought it would make a good logo. What do you think?
We recognize that we don’t know everything about what makes a family’s life easier, more comfortable, etc., so we are ALWAYS willing to hear your ideas. We would love to have them. Email us any time at support@pbandapplejelly.com, and we will do our very best to add your suggestions to our site. We will even recognize you for it!
So, this is our new adventure. We are business owners. It is a passion Jad has always had, and something that I have tried before, but haven’t felt nearly as passionate about as I do now. This time it is OUR business that WE created TOGETHER.
Our website is www.pbandapplejelly.com. Please visit it and give us your feedback. Buy something if you like! We want to hear what your favorite products are.
Also, we are going to be doing contests on our Instagram and Facebook pages for the rest of this week, and would love it if you would drop by! We will be doing promotions often, as well as adding new products, and really, just being there to share about our life, and hear about yours. I hope we get to know each other better through this avenue.
Thank you for any and all support you are willing to give us as we are just starting out, and over the years. A small business is nothing without its valued customers, and we promise to always treat you well!
*Update: Jad and I made a video on 10/5/17 to highlight what we do to show true service and loyalty to our customers:
I started a blog because I felt that the Lord wanted me to share whatever experiences and wisdom and testimony I have for the betterment of others. I have felt Him guide my hand over and over again, and putting ideas into my mind and heart that I just knew I had to write down. A couple days ago, ideas started flowing into my brain, and continued to do so all day and all evening. Throughout the day, I emailed myself my little thoughts, around 30 times. Here is the message the Lord sent to me:
I believe with all my heart that we are all children of the most High God. We are brothers and sisters. We are born with goodness inside of us. We will make mistakes, but we can change through the atonement of Christ. We are heirs of the kingdom of God if we are worthy. This applies to all of us!
It even applies to the people we don’t like, the people we don’t agree with, the people whose actions we abhor, the people who care nothing about the sanctity of human life, born or unborn.
Because we are all God’s children, He loves us all. He loves us equally and individually, even when we don’t deserve it. Jesus Christ atoned for all of us. We are all given the opportunity to choose, to repent, and to change. No person who lives on this earth is denied these blessings, not even white supremacists or the President of the United States.
So, why do we hate each other so much? Why do we use so much energy in bringing each other down?
Why?
Does it bring change? Does it bring hope? Does it bring peace?
It feels natural, though, doesn’t it, to air our frustrations for all the world to see? Perhaps then, nobody can accuse us of being on the wrong side of the tracks, the wrong side of politics, the wrong side of religion, the wrong side of history.
I am no expert, but this doesn’t seem to be working. It seems that instead of our community, our country, our world becoming happier and more peaceful, it is becoming more corrupt, hateful, and wicked.
Who are our gods, meaning, who do we place the most faith in? Is it the media? Our friends? Facebook memes?
My friends, might I strongly suggest we move back to God. No, not everybody believes in God. Not everyone believes in Christ. But, regardless if you believe or not, the principles Christ taught, if followed, will bring peace and love back to this earth.
Let me tell you a story.
About 600 BC, there was a prophet named Lehi in Jerusalem. The people hated him and his preachings, because he told them that if they did not repent, Jerusalem would be destroyed. One night, he had a dream in which the Lord told him that he must gather his family and flee into the wilderness for their safety. Lehi obeyed, and took his family that very night, leaving behind his home and his riches. He had four sons at that time. Two of them, Nephi and Sam, loved their father dearly, believed he was truly a prophet, and followed his counsel. His other two sons, Laman and Lemuel, loathed their father. They murmured about having to leave their home, and they did not believe their father was inspired, but rather a mad man. They also hated their brother, Nephi, and often plotted and attempted to kill him, saying he thought he was superior over them, even though he was their younger brother. Each time they tried to kill Nephi, the Lord spared his life because of his faith. Going beyond natural reaction, Nephi always forgave his brothers and continued to teach them the gospel. Unfortunately, they did not want to understand. The family wandered in the wilderness for 8 years, until they finally reached the ocean. The Lord commanded Nephi to build a ship with his instructions so that they could sail to a promised land. Nephi obeyed, but once again, Laman and Lemuel taunted him and wanted to kill him again. Through the power of God, they were compelled to help build, along with the rest of the family. Once the ship was built, they sailed to the promised land, through the Lord’s direction. On the ship, they still did awful things. Their wickedness never stopped, regardless of the miracles they had seen and the blessings they had been given. Only when they saw that their families were going to die, did they stop and repent, and then the Lord led them the rest of the way. In the promised land, after their father, Lehi, died, Laman, Lemuel, and many members of their families plotted to kill all those who were righteous and followed Nephi. They decided to live by hate rather than trying to respect and understand those who were believed differently than them. Nephi was told by the Lord to flee with his people and settle somewhere else. They did. And thus there became two groups of people from the same family – the Nephites and the Lamanites. The Nephites had the truth and clung to it, while the Lamanites taught their children to hate the Nephites, proclaiming that there was no God, and lying about the truth (1 Nephi 1-2 Nephi 5).
Why did I tell you this story? Well, I did it to show the danger that comes from making assumptions about character, showing hate to others rather than love, plotting to kill or hurt others rather than trying to understand them, and holding grudges rather than forgiving. And I also did it to show that the opposite can happen – forgiving others who have grievously wronged us, and continuously shining light to others no matter how they treat us.
But, the story continues for centuries. Even though the Lamanites were generally a fearsome, dangerous, murderous people, not all of them remained that way. About 92 BC, there was a righteous Nephite king named Mosiah. He had four sons, and they had once been horrible influences, persecuting the church and those in it. But, through seeing an angel, they saw the light and repented of their sins. And then, they served many missions for the Lord. After years of serving, they decided that they wanted to preach to the Lamanites…
2 That perhaps they might bring them to the knowledge of the Lord their God, and convince them of the iniquity of their fathers; and that perhaps they might cure them of their hatred towards the Nephites, that they might also be brought to rejoice in the Lord their God, that they might become friendly to one another, and that there should be no more contentions in all the land which the Lord their God had given them.
3 Now they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble.
4 And thus did the Spirit of the Lord work upon them, for they were the very vilest of sinners. And the Lord saw fit in his infinite mercy to spare them; nevertheless they suffered much anguish of soul because of their iniquities, suffering much and fearing that they should be cast off forever. (Mosiah 28:2-4).
So, even though Aaron, Ammon, Omner and Himni, were the very vilest of sinners, they changed for the better. They became good men who wanted to do something nobody else would dare to do: bring truth, knowledge, friendship and rejoicing to the wicked Lamanites.
From their preaching, many of the Lamanites were converted to the gospel. Their hearts were changed and they wanted to do good and serve God the remainder of their lives. They even buried their weapons of war, covenanting with God never to shed blood again. Any time Lamanites accepted Christ, they stayed true their whole lives (Alma 24:19).
This is just one story of so many that shows how when people have a love of God and all people, have mercy, and a spirit of peace, miracles can happen.
These stories I told you are from a sacred scripture called The Book of Mormon. It is another testament of Jesus Christ, taking place in the ancient Americas.
About 82 BC, a man named Zeezrom was a devilish man, who tried to persuade a missionary of Christ, Amulek, to deny the existence of God with money. Amulek did not deny, but rather answered all of his questions and bore his testimony. Then Alma, the prophet, and missionary companion to Amulek, spoke to Zeezrom with power. They did not stand down, confessing what they knew to be the truth. And Zeezrom felt that power. Because of Zeezrom’s initial cries against them and their bold response, Alma and Amulek were imprisoned for a time by those angry at their words. They escaped their bonds with help from the Lord, and Zeezrom, meanwhile, lay ill with a high fever, sick with dread over what he had done. He asked to be healed, and through his new faith in Christ, he was. He was then baptized by Alma. (Alma 12-14).
So, this awful, evil man, ended up being a kind, good, righteous man.
Alma the Younger, from the story I just told, was best friends with the sons of Mosiah, and had been wicked just like them. His father prayed for him and continued to love him. Through an angelic visitor, and visions of Christ, he repented, and eventually became the high priest of the church (Mosiah 27).
Alma the Younger’s father, Alma, was not always righteous either. He was a priest of a wicked King named Noah. A prophet named Abinadi , around 148 BC, gave his life sharing the message of the gospel to the wicked king and his priests But it wasn’t in vain. Alma believed, and shared the gospel with many others, baptizing them in the name of Christ (Mosiah 17).
Around 62 BC, there was a Captain Moroni who hated shedding blood, and offered mercy whenever he could, even in the midst of war. He never forgot the humanity of his enemies, no matter how bloodthirsty they were (Alma 55:19).
Captain Moroni, though a wonderful, righteous man, was also sometimes harsh in his words, especially when he felt a sense of possible betrayal. He sent a very harsh epistle to the chief judge of the Nephites, Pahoran. Rather than being offended at the untrue accusations, Pahoran wrote back, “And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart” (Alma 61:9). We can all take example from the fact that he saw good in a situation where he could have easily been offended.
Mormon, a prophet and general towards the end of the Book of Mormon (around 360 AD), prayed for, loved, and led his people even though he wept over their wickedness. Once, he stopped leading them, but chose to lead them again later on. He never hated them or stopped praying for them no matter how wicked they became (Mormon 3). How interesting that the people who were once so righteous, became so wicked that the Lord allowed them to be destroyed?
These are just a few of so many stories in the Book of Mormon of good and evil, but it wasn’t as clear as it seemed. Those who had known the truth their whole lives often rebelled, and those who started out wicked, oftentimes were more receptive to light than those who had been raised that way. And then, there were those stories of hope – stories of those who had rebelled but then again returned to the light.
I have seen a meme floating around Facebook that says “Nobody is born racist.” That’s true, and nobody is born greedy, selfish, hateful, or violent either.
On the contrary, children are born innocent and pure, each with divine potential. Even the most evil people that have ever lived were once little children, free of sin.
Moroni, a prophet in the Book of Mormon (and son of the prophet Mormon), said:
…little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world (Moroni 8:12).
So, hate is learned. Racism is learned. Violence is learned. And for it to be learned, it must be taught.
Before Lehi died, he spoke to all of his grandchildren. To the children of his wicked son, Laman, he said:
Wherefore, if ye are cursed, behold, I leave my blessing upon you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered upon the heads of your parents. (2 Nephi 4:6).
When we see people murdering, plundering, and doing other wicked things, we want to hate them. We want them to get the justice they deserve and we don’t care what happens to them. But think of this: how did they get the way they are? If people aren’t born evil, how do they become that way?
They are taught, and those people were taught, and those people were taught. It is a vicious cycle.
Who had the original thought then?
Who started it all?
The answer to that is the only enemy we really should have, and that is Satan. Satan is the one who puts evil thoughts into our minds. He is the one who wants to tear societies and families apart. He knows that contention isn’t Godlike. He knows that violence isn’t Godlike. He knows that hateful words aren’t Godlike. He knows so well. And that is why he has power over us, because we react to hate the way he wants us to react – with more hate and divisiveness.
Not all of us do this, but too many do.
I have read so many Facebook posts that point fingers and say that if you are or aren’t doing something, you are part of the problem. I don’t like those posts, not because I fit the descriptions and am denying it, but because it is still pointing fingers. It is fighting hate with hate. It doesn’t feel good. It also is making generalizations, assumptions, and stereotypes – and it is dividing us as people.
We aren’t the left verses the right, liberals verses conservatives, religious verses nonreligious, black verses white. We are all people worthy of safety, prosperity, and joy.
We have to realize that:
None of us is exempt from being tempted or sinning.
Someone we love, or even us, could someday do something deplorable if we allow Satan to permeate our characters.
Brainwashing is real.
Are people who were fed untruths over and over again until they believed it was right, beyond repair, beyond forgiveness?
As hate is learned, it can also be unlearned.
Who is going to help them unlearn? It isn’t going to be the ones that taught them to hate.
Hate is there, and it is scary. Every day the headlines blow our minds with the things people think are acceptable. Should we give in to hate? Should we allow it to consume us all?
I have been taught my whole life that The Book of Mormon was written for our day, and looking at the stories the way I did in this post, brought me a renewed clarity that it really was.
We will not let hate prevail (by not hating those it would be so easy and justifiable to hate). We will not let Satan win. We will not allow ourselves to be sucked into Satan’s lies. I believe with all of my heart that if we…
Look for the good in others (even those with whom we dislike or disagree);
Love, serve and pray for our enemies as Christ commanded us to (3 Nephi 12:44);
This can be very difficult, but if we pray for their hearts to be softened, for them to see the truth, and for understanding to come to them and to us, miracles can happen.
Are peacemakers and turn the other cheek, rather than seek revenge (3 Ne. 12:9, 39);
Forgive others for what they do to us, and for what they have done in the past to us or other people. This shows we know they can change, and don’t forever judge them on their pasts;
It always humbles me to remember that Christ asked His father to forgive those who crucified him. (3 Ne. 13:15, Luke 23:34).
Show compassion even when someone doesn’t deserve it -this is mercy (3 Nephi 12:7);
We should also remember to show compassion to those affected by acts of wickedness.
Live in meekness, meaning goodness and kindness. We will shine a light to the world through our good example and service (Matthew 5:16);
Teach our children to love the Lord and all their neighbors, regardless of color, religion, social status, sexual orientation, etc. (Isaiah 54:13);
And then live that way as well.
Spend time with people we aren’t like and care to find out what is important to them;
Care about others’ struggles and don’t minimize them, even if we don’t experience them ourselves;
Ask people to help us with our struggles, even if we don’t think they will understand. This is how they can understand;
As an example, many minorities feel threatened by #WhitePrivilege. White people may not understand what they mean, so they should tell them what they are feeling and what they have experienced. And in return, though white people may not empathize on a racial level, minorities will probably find white people can empathize because of other factors. Whites are not defined just by their race – nobody is. Most of us encounter some kind of prejudice in our lives that brings heartache and sorrow.
Self-reflect often and ask ourselves if our actions are leading us to be better people and inspiring others to be better too;
Choose not to judge others for things they cannot control, such as the color of their skin;
Are slow to anger and slow to be offended;
People are always going to be angry about something. Stand above it and seek for understanding.
Denounce sin but don’t equate the sinner with the sin;
See everyone as an individual with a story, rather than judging everyone in a group the same way;
There are outside pressures, and some people are looking for truth, but just don’t know where to find it (Doctrine and Covenants 123:12).
Also be careful not to judge a group by one person who may not represent the beliefs of said group.
Recognize that there is more good in the world than evil, and embrace the good;
Try to change hearts with love rather than force change through hate;
Care about the salvation of all people, even the wicked, like Ammon and his brothers did;
Before acting, think about how we would feel if someone did or said the same thing we are thinking about to us;
Are grateful for the freedoms of our great land, and realize that freedom belongs to everyone, even those we disagree with.
….then we will be a part of the solution. We can’t control what others do, but we can and should definitely control what we do. With that control, great things can come to pass.
Please remember, my friends that hate + hate does not equal change, hate + hate does not equal love, and hate + hate does not equal peace. Hate can only be overcome by love, and perfect love casteth out all fear.
Those of you who know me well know that I love people. I want to be friends with everyone I meet, and I do care what people think of me. I try to be honest, kind and service-oriented. If you need anything, I will do my very best to help, and if I can’t, I feel bad about it and want to make it up to you. I am not perfect, but if I do something wrong, I will apologize. The idea of someone thinking badly of me breaks my heart.
I have many faults, but this is one area where I have strength.
There have been a couple instances in my life where I have lost a friend. One I still don’t know why. I miss her and wish we could be friends again. I have reached out to her multiple times over the years without any type of explanation. It saddens me.
In the other instance, I chose to end the friendship, at least temporarily. This person and I have been friends and have had great experiences together since we met several years ago. She said and did hurtful things multiple times in those years, but I always forgave her and moved on. However, a few months ago, she laid heavy accusations and unkind words at the feet of someone I love very much. This person was confused and upset by these accusations, and did not deserve them in any way.
Due to this, I had to choose between one loved one and the other. I chose the one who was blameless, but said that if my friend would apologize and make things right, I would happily be her friend again.
Unfortunately, since that time several months ago, this good friend of mine has said very unkind things about me on Facebook and to others. She has also contacted my husband many times with passive aggressive comments about me and my family.
Most recently, she said that she forgave my loved one for what she did wrong. Perhaps this made me the most upset of all, as the whole reason why we stopped being friends is because she accused my loved one of doing something she absolutely did not do, and called her horrible names.
I have tried very hard to forgive this person, and honestly, I want nothing more than to be her friend again. I love her, and I do think back to the wonderful interactions we have had, and the service we have rendered to one another. But, I can’t bring myself to be a friend with someone who thinks I am a hypocrite, talks about me behind my back, and continues to believe something about my loved one that isn’t true.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, perhaps one of you have felt down-trodden due to something similar, where someone you care about has betrayed your friendship or trust, where someone puts hear-say or pride above truth and love.
I feel for you. It is a horrible feeling. It is especially difficult when you cannot avoid that person’s presence.
This whole situation eats at me, and I really want to make it right. Sometimes you can’t, though. When someone has made up her mind about you irrationally, what can you really do to change it?
What I have to do is remember that the names I am called do not describe or define me. My conscience is clear and my intent true. I must defend what I know is right, and the ones I love.
The Lord has commanded us to always forgive, and I will continue to forgive. This does not require me, however, to rebuild a relationship that will only cause harm to me.
I felt that I must get this off my chest, and if any of my readers and friends needs to talk to someone about something similar, please feel free to contact me. I will do my best to listen and to reach out with love and encouragement.
I do feel it is important for me not to condemn and judge this person with finality. I am still open to being her friend again, as I know that change can happen for anyone through the atonement of Christ. My door is always open if one chooses to knock gently.
Each of us is a child of God and is of infinite value to Him. We all need friends and we all need love. We must choose our friends wisely, and for those who hurt us, may we pray for them and wish them understanding, comfort, and a softened heart.
To this friend, I say that I love you, and have never stopped. I am frustrated and hurt, but that can change if you wish it to.
Home sweethome is what America is called in this familiar, beautiful, patriotic song. But, sweet isn’t the word I would use to describe it, at least based on the words and behaviors of many of my fellow Americans.
I must ask you with all respect to please stop. Stop the judging. Stop the hating. Stop the arguing. Stop the name-calling. Stop the gloating. And for a smaller minority, stop the violence.
The majority of what I see on social media, and in the news, involves most or all of those things. Unfortunately, I think most of the people doing it don’t realize the damage they are doing.
Today our new president, Donald J. Trump, was inaugurated. Before and after the election, up until now, I have witnessed alarming amounts of division, fear, and criticism. At times, my feelings have been hurt, but I have chosen not to participate in it.
I personally would not have chosen Donald Trump to be the Republican presidential nominee, and up until the week of election, I didn’t feel comfortable with any of the choices for president. But, I never publicly called any names, accused friends of different political parties of being racist or stupid, or tried to cause arguments or unrest of any kind.
I do not plan to do that now. But, what I do want to express loud and clear is that contention, pride, anger and fear are not of God. From God comes love, light, harmony and faith. I have seen a few people hold true to those, but too many have gone the other direction.
Doubts and disagreements, and expressions of triumph and defeat are acceptable when done in a peaceful, respectable manner – when we strive to understand the other side, when we give the benefit of the doubt, and when we realize that people can change.
People do change.
Yes, Donald Trump has done some bad things in his past. It is understandable to be concerned, even disgusted. But, we are not his judge. God is. I know that I would be devastated if people judged me solely on my past and never gave me a chance to dictate a brighter future for myself.
You may not agree with all of his ideas and perspectives, but you probably agree with some. You may not like everything about his character, but you probably like something about it. And you may not be a member of his party, but you are still an American.
Or, you may be on the opposite side of the spectrum where you are ecstatic he is president. Expressing your joy is great, but realizing others are hurting at the same time shows compassion. Gloating about it and putting down others’ feelings, on the other hand, shows a disregard for about half of your fellow Americans.
I thought President Trump’s speech today had some great points, one of which was the necessity for unity in our country. You may not be happy he is the President, but he is the President just the same – the president of your country and mine.
Concerns are valid, but something I have learned in my life is that yelling and complaining in themselves don’t bring change. Looking only to your own opinions doesn’t bring understanding of those with differing opinions either.
My heart-felt advice for what to do now, whether you love our new president or not is this:
Pray for him, that he will be open-hearted to the voice of the people, and that God will provide him with ongoing inspiration on how to lead this great land.
Talk to those of different political and social views respectfully. Find out what makes them tick, and in turn explain how you feel. Try to find common ground.
Vote in local elections to make your voice heard.
Help the poor whenever you can, for God will bless us for serving His children.
Try not to bash any party or person, for all it does is cause division and heartache.
Have a positive attitude and hold to your hope that America will continue to flourish regardless of who is president.
Most importantly, love and cherish your family, and teach them the principles that mean the most to you.
I truly believe that for our nation to be great, our citizens must be kind, service-oriented, and driven to action. It takes each and every one of us to spread light to the world.
A friend on Facebook today posted that the Quakers believe that the “Light is in all people and we should look for it in all people, ESPECIALLY those who are different than us.”
I believe with all of my heart that even people we dislike, disagree with, or disapprove of, have this light. Sometimes they need help to unlock it in themselves.
What helps you to be a better person? People showing you love, respect and encouragement, or people showing your hatred, disapproval, and unkind judgment?
We have two choices for the next four or more years:
Continue to dislike and reject each and every decision President Trump makes or will make -or –
Support him, pray for him, and set a positive example for him
Only one of these choices brings real, long-lasting, positive change. Christ brings light. Let’s be like Him.
And what did He do? He forgave, loved, and saw potential in everybody. That is what I choose to do today and always.
For about 11 years I have wanted to name my first baby girl Raina after a beautiful 3-year-old girl I watched at my daycare job. Well, once I found out I was having a girl this pregnancy, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I wanted to make sure that Raina was the right name, so I went through hundreds of names as I usually do. Jad and I discussed them, and he didn’t like most of the names, not even the Arabic ones. I was shocked he had an opinion since he hadn’t had one with the boys. So, we kept looking and looking. We thought about Rose (or a name with Rose in it), a name with Belle/Bella in it, and more lovely names like Ariana, Ella, Ava, Adaline, and Alayna. Jad loved Rosalina, but I thought it was too long. We went back to Raina at one point and felt pretty good about it, until people at work started using it and Jad decided he didn’t like it. So, back to looking at the long list of maybes. My mom kept telling us names she liked, and one day she said she loved Evey. I liked it, but Jad wasn’t sure. Then we got a 4D ultrasound done for our baby girl on October 18.
As I looked at her pictures over and over, I knew she was someone special and needed a really lovely name. I thought of the most beautiful and important names of all time, and my mind went to the Bible. We had already said we liked Esther, but then Eve came to mind. I instantly loved it. Jad wasn’t so sure, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The 23rd at my mom’s house, I told her that we were strongly considering Eve. She was ecstatic. Jad still wasn’t sure, but on the way home we asked the kids if they liked the name Eve. Rigel had been wanting to call her Rose, and Casey loved Ella, but when we told them about why we wanted to name her Eve, they got really excited, and we knew she would become Eve Marie Al-Bjaly.
Let me tell you her story…
My due date for my fourth child: December 2, 2016
My actual delivery date of my fourth child: October 26, 2016 at 10:10PM.
Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born at 34 weeks 5 days gestation at UNC Hospital via induced vaginal delivery. She was a tiny 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches long.
All during my pregnancy, I had a small worry at the back of my mind that my baby girl would be born quite suddenly, just like Kamren was. His labor was around 20 minutes or so – how long would hers be?
Then there was the concern about Thanksgiving – could we have it? What if I had the baby right around then? Because of that, we decided as a family to cancel the holiday this year.
My pregnancy had been very normal the whole time, but then at my October 5 midwife appointment, I had very high blood pressure. I was told we needed to keep an eye on it, and then October 19, I had high blood pressure again. That time, I was told that I may have gestational hypertension and that I needed to go to UNC Hospital that day to get monitored. I was surprised because I have never had that problem before. I had to call Jad and ask him to leave work and get Kamren. After a quick lunch at Harris Teeter, I drove myself to UNC Hospital for the first time. I admit I was a little worried.
I thought I would be seen right away when I got to the hospital, but there were no rooms. I had to sit in the waiting room for quite some time. I was happy to have met another pregnant woman that day who I could talk to. She was there for pre-op for a c-section the next day. She was so nice, and we had a great conversation. She put me at ease. Finally, I was taken back. I honestly don’t remember much, just that I was told I do in fact have gestational hypertension and that I would be induced three weeks early. I got really no explanation of how they figured out I had that and why I had to be induced, but I just accepted it. The only silver lining to that day was I met a really nice woman named Karen who was in charge of a study for preeclamptic pregnant women – a study trying to find a blood test to figure out if a woman has preeclampsia. I got a $25 gift card before I left that day just for giving a little blood.
The following day I had to get an ultrasound at the hospital to check on the baby. She was totally healthy, which made me happy. So, I tried to prepare myself to have a baby early. Some friends told me I should question that, and I was prepared to. But then, October 25, at my appointment to plan my care leading up to the induction, my blood pressure was crazy high again.
An OBGYN came into my room, shook my hand, and basically looked at me in the eyes and told me I needed to go to Labor and Delivery right away. She didn’t clarify, and I immediately assumed I had to have an emergency induction. I cried out, “What? But she’s too tiny!”
I immediately started to cry and get really worried. She explained I would have to be monitored at the hospital, likely for 24 hours, and then a final determination would be made. I calmed down a little, and said I would need to make some phone calls and figure all this out. She told me I had to stay in the office (a monitored location) to make those arrangements, and then I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
The phone call I made to Jad wasn’t easy. I told him I needed him to leave work early and take care of the kids – that I may not be coming home that day – that I may be having a baby. My voice was quiet and weak, and Jad was worried. He talked to his boss, and then left work to take over with the kids for me.
I walked slowly to the car, shaken up. Could I even get myself there? As I sat down in the drivers’ seat, I burst into tears and sobbed. I prayed and I probably hyperventilated a little. The unknown had never been scarier.
This time when I checked myself into the hospital, they had a triage room ready for me. I got into a gown, and was hooked up to the blood pressure machine. As I was lying on the bed in a moment alone, the tears started streaming down my face again. I was scared and worried about my baby girl. Just when I felt the tears would never stop, a soft but steady movement started in my tummy. My baby had woken up, and it was as if she was telling me that everything would be okay. I immediately felt that she was trying to comfort me, and that I could stop crying. I know that her moving for that long period of time was just for me. The thought occurred to me that she was acting as if she were my mother. Mothers comfort, and she was doing that for me. At that moment, her name was confirmed to me: her name really would be Eve.
I had to get back to reality as nurses came in and out. My blood pressure was taken over and over. I was in that room for hours, and had nothing to do but flip the channels. I hadn’t eaten at all since 7:30AM, and got really hungry. Jad came to see me, and I finally got food after he left again.
My blood pressure wasn’t going down, so they decided I needed to stay in the hospital overnight. I was to start a 24-hour urine collection. I would give blood a few times, and my blood pressure would continue to be taken. I would also be given a steroid shot that day and the following day to help my baby’s lungs develop should I need to deliver her. I had to start making arrangements for my kids. Jad came to me that evening and brought me an overnight bag. After a little visit, I found company with the cast of Into the Woods on the TV.
The next day, as my pee bucket got fuller, and my blood pressure stayed high, I could feel it in my heart that I wasn’t going to be sent home. What would it help to send me home? My blood pressure would still be high, and who knows what could happen? What if I developed preeclampsia?
I finally just confronted the issue with the nurses. I was up front and said I wanted to know the truth. They said they would ask for me, and they agreed with my logic. Well, not a few minutes later, an OBGYN came to speak with me to address that very thing. She basically told me that it was time for me to have a baby. She said I did in fact have preeclampsia, even though I had no other symptoms, and that it is safer for the baby to be born than remain in the womb with a placenta not doing its job.
When she said that, I felt a little nervousness, but overall peace. I asked how much time I had to make phone calls and prepare. The doctor said they would start preparing a room for me, but that I had time. I called Jad and my mom. I wasn’t surprised that Jad wanted to finish a few things at work and make sure it was okay for him to leave. I gave him the job of packing some stuff for me at home, and reassured him we had some time. My mom wanted to come right away to be with me – that is just her personality, and I love her for it.
Well, she got there, and it turned out I had to wait a long time to move up to a room, even though I packed quickly and was told it was going to be much quicker. I called Jad and told him about the delay, and he decided he wanted to clean out the van really well before he came to prepare for our baby girl.
Finally, I got to go to a room and change into a gown. When Jad got there, he brought me lots of bags, and even rolled in the stroller. That was kind of funny to me, as I knew that Eve would not be coming home right away.
I really don’t remember a lot about the details of my labor. There was no clock in the room, oddly enough, so I don’t know when I was induced or how long the labor was. I believe I was induced sometime between 2:30 and 3:30PM, but I am not sure.
Some details of note are that I was given my second steroid shot and given continuous doses of magnesium to prevent seizures. The nurse recommended I have an epidural due to my blood pressure. I didn’t contest, though I was a little sad thinking of how my plans for a natural birth were no longer possible. I asked for the epidural before my pain got bad (around 4PM), and when the team came in, I jokingly asked if it would hurt like crap, knowing full well how much it hurts. They said it wouldn’t hurt badly, and I was surprised, though quickly realized they were lying as they pushed and fiddled around inside my back over and over trying to find the right spot. It was excruciating, but it did work, thankfully.
My sister-in-law, Laura, surprised me by coming to visit me in the hospital. I was so grateful to have her, my mom, and Jad there with me. It was pleasant just talking together.
The labor was steady and there were no issues. We were a little impatient, though, as the hours went on. Finally, my mom and Laura left to go home to their families, not long before 8PM.
By that time I was 4 CM dilated and 50% effaced. When they finally broke my water, hardly anything came out, but I knew she would come soon. I wasn’t scared, but excited instead. I could hear the stark contrast between this labor and Kamren’s. With Kamren, I was screaming bloody murder: “My baby, my baby!” With this delivery, I was excitedly exclaiming, “My baby is coming! She’s coming!” I had such joy, and no fear, even though she was going to be a premature baby.
Well, she came out after a few pushes, and after Jad cut the cord, she was put on my body for a few seconds and then taken from me to be examined. I couldn’t even see her the first time because they didn’t put her up high enough.
My first picture with Eve
https://youtu.be/ES4aT2QEkoQ
Put me back in!
Once they wiped her off, I got to hold her skin to skin for a few moments. The first thing I noticed was her long, slender fingers. I loved them, and her instantly.
Our first picture as a family
I wanted to snuggle with her forever, but she had to be taken. She did start to nuzzle my neck a little, so the crew in the room said I should try to nurse her. It was so hard. She was so small, and I was afraid of hurting her. She didn’t know how to suck, but at least we tried, and I got to hold her a little longer.
And then she was gone. I couldn’t be with her for 24 hours because I would continue to have the magnesium pumped into my body. I sent Jad after her, and he got to witness her first feeding, and adore her in the NICU.
https://youtu.be/nA8RqlRlEMQ
https://youtu.be/s406plgb244
The next day for me (Oct 27) was sleeping, attempting to express (with a nurse’s help) and pump, and trying to catch up on text messages and Facebook comments from friends. It was so hard to function because of the magnesium. I would get small spurts of energy throughout the day, and then suddenly feel nearly dead with exhaustion. I looked forward all day and night to get off that magnesium so I could eat, get out of that bed, and see my baby girl.
At least Jad got to visit with her. He even did a Skype call with me so I could see Eve: I couldn’t keep from crying tears of joy looking at her and talking to her peaceful, sleeping face. Oh, I can’t wait to snuggle her again.
Most of that day was very boring, but at least I got to see my beautiful sons. They were a little weirded out that I couldn’t cuddle them or get out of bed. I felt so bad, and was worried about Kamren especially, since until a day before, he had been my baby. They were so excited to meet their sister that night, though!
They took me off the magnesium about 9PM. All my tubes were removed, and I ordered a huge meal. I have never eaten faster – it had been 33 hours since I had last eaten. Standing up and moving around wasn’t so easy. My legs were literally like limp noodles. I had to have help going to the bathroom, and getting into my wheelchair. I didn’t let that stop me from seeing my baby, though. My nurse wheeled me to the NICU to see Eve before taking me to my new room.
She was so precious. The love I felt for her was indescribable. I watched her, and then held her, cuddled her, and tried to nurse her. She couldn’t nurse, so I just snuggled her some more. I didn’t want to leave her ever again, but I had to. Up to my new room I went to rest, and regain leg strength. Once I got my legs back, nothing could stop me from going to my baby as much as possible (every three hours to be exact).
On October 28 I wrote: I got to see my sweet baby a couple times late last night, once around 11 and the next time a little after 2. Both times we snuggled and tried latching/nursing. It wasn’t easy, and we tried different things so she could still eat and also be with me, and by the end of the second time, she was already latching on me as a pacifier. She cried unless she was with me. I see that as a great sign! I got a little sleep, am much steadier on my noodle feet than last night, and have the energy to get clean, eat, and spend as much time with Eve as possible today. Gosh, she is gorgeous and precious, and so full of personality.
Most of that day Eve was really sleepy and tube fed. I knew that she couldn’t go home until she was feeding via bottle or breast all the time, so that was a little disheartening. At least she was healthy otherwise with her temperature regulation and blood sugar. And I got to do a kangaroo hold with her – so special!
It was so helpful to my spirit having family visit me and Eve in the hospital those first couple days – Jad’s uncle Hani, my Nana, my sister, my mom, Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, and his wife Aundrea and their son, Landon…I really appreciated their love and gifts.
Oct 29 started out well as I got back to my girl: I took one break from sweet Eve in the middle of the night to sleep, but sleep was so hard for me. When I went down at 5, I found out she had been fussy off and on since about 12:30am. I felt bad that I had missed her and she had missed me. But, with that came a lovely session of stares, lots of kisses, and even some good nursing, once we figured it out together. Then, oh, sweet snuggles commenced. I love my girl!
Overall, that day was really hard on me. It was the day of my discharge. Let me explain with a post I wrote the next morning: I must admit that yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was supposed to be discharged, but found myself waiting in vain nearly all day into the late afternoon. I was all alone in the hospital without my family, and the only solace came when I was with my sweet baby. My family finally came to get me not long before dinner time. I got to hug them all quickly, and then Jad brought each kid down to see Eve for a few minutes, I got to take the boys to the snack room for ice cream and juice, and that was the most fun I had had all day, haha. Finally, it was time to get the car and take all of our stuff down to check out of the hospital. Imagine packing up your car with all kinds of baby stuff, and not being able to put the baby in the car with you. Imagine having spent all your time for five days in the hospital, not being able to think of anything but having and taking care of a baby, and then knowing that your future is uncertain. When I got in the car, and we headed to the Ronald McDonald House, I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same place as anyone I loved. We got there quickly, though it felt like an eternity. I had to dry my tears. Well, after paperwork and a tour, I was check into my new “home.” The boys and Jad had been eating tacos and playing while waiting for me. I could tell they were all irritable and struggling with the unknown too. The kids just wanted some normalcy and fun, like they are used to. As we drove home for me to simply pack and come right back, I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming. I am glad we had tissues, because I used so many of them. My throat, by the time we got home, felt like a cat had clawed at it. I just couldn’t function. I was so overwhelmed and sad. I needed time with my husband and kids, but barely got to spend any time with them at all. I didn’t know how much to pack to take to the RMH – how long will I be there? What will happen with Eve? Will my kids and husband be okay without me? I know that Jad has been working so hard while I have been gone since last Tuesday, and my family and friends have also stepped up graciously. When I walked into the house for that little time, I noticed how clean the house was, and how much care Jad had put into getting it ready for Eve. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been able to help at all in days, and I could tell how much my family needed me. After I packed, my boys were so sweet to say they loved me and give me hugs and kisses. Casey and Jad carefully put my stuff in the car, and Jad even had a couple falafel sandwiches ready for me to eat, since I had missed dinner. A couple kisses later, and I was on my way back to Chapel Hill. My exhaustion was strong, but I made it. Bringing everything in, and unpacking took me quite some time, but calmed me. I felt love for my husband as I saw how much food he carefully packed for me. I was happy to see a Bojangles biscuit and boberry biscuit in there. It was comforting to eat those before I went up to my room, unpacked, read my scriptures, pumped, and got a little sleep. I got up quite early to pump again and get ready to see my baby. I can’t express how inadequate I feel, but at the same time, I feel like I am being blessed with drive and energy, and hope. I am filled with love for my baby girl, and I yearn for when we can all be together. I am so grateful my baby will be okay, and that we are a family of six now. Life will be normal before we know it – for now it is just really hard. I appreciate the continued love and prayers. I really do.
I was in tears when I wrote all that. The only real joy I had was in being with my precious Eve. She got a real crib on the night of the 29th, and just seeing her sweet face and holding her hand helped me get through the pain.
I realized later on the 30th what therapy I really needed as my husband came to visit: I cannot even tell you how therapeutic it was for Jad to come visit Eve and me today. We spent several hours together. It was our first time bonding we three. And I didn’t realize the sad fact Jad hadn’t held her since the night she was born. They are such a pair. She stayed awake for quite some time staring at her daddy.
(He would start coming to see Eve every day after that. Taking care of the kids and doing all the chores was hard on Jad, not to mention the cleaning and projects he was trying to do to prepare for our sweet girl to come home.)
Before I went to bed super late that night I wrote this:
Most cherished moments of today: spending time with Daddy
Funniest moment of the day: Eve pooping five incredibly smelly poops in about 30 minutes
Proudest moment of the day: this morning when my milk came in! It is going strong.
Warmest moment of the day (literally and figuratively): when Eve snuggled her head just under my neck, and lay content and wide awake. This was right after all her poops. She was really fussy until this time together.
October 31 was Halloween! I was feeling a little lonely that morning, when a lady came into the reference room I was sitting in, and asked if I was Eve’s mom. She then asked me if I had chosen a Halloween costume for her. I lit up and smiled broadly because I wished I had had a costume for her. This surprise made my day: Oh, how wonderful today is Halloween at the UNC NICU. I got a very special surprise for Eve this morning: the choice of a costume for her! I was so thrilled. Picking a costume and dressing her in it have been such a joy for me. She got her picture taken professionally and will be in a judging contest later today. 😀
My ballerina
But the day got even better because my mom and sister came to visit, and then Jad brought all the kids, picked me up, and we all went trick-or-treating together at Southern Village. It was a perfect neighborhood, and we all enjoyed being together as a family. You don’t fully appreciate your family unit until you can’t be together – at least that’s how I felt.
I went to being emotional again, though, as I missed a feeding with Eve by about 15 minutes. I didn’t make it back by 8PM because we had to drop by the RM House first for me to grab a few things and for us to eat a little bit of leftovers. Oh well, at least I got to snuggle with her!
November 1 was a good day. it started with Jad coming and bringing me roses!
Eve had a couple firsts today, like her first blow-out poop (super duper stinky one), and her first excellent nursing session. Progress is being made. Her nurse has no doubt she will fill out quickly, especially considering her mama’s amazing milk supply. 😉
Slender foot!
Tiny hand!
And here were the highlights of Eve’s day on November 1:
She got to snuggle with Daddy (but not before pooping on him!)
She got to spend time with each of her brothers (Casey held her for the first time/Rigel drew her a double-sided picture).
She got her IV taken out for good
She got a sponge bath and I got to help! She smells amazing.
The flower and the “awesome”
The picture was of Eve living in a house with spikes on it, surrounded by a force field so she could be safe. And I taught Rigel how to write her name.
November 2 was Eve’s one-week birthday. The morning started out wonderfully. She nursed amazingly, needing no supplemental feed. We snuggled for a long time after that.
My cousin, Lisa, came to visit me in the hospital that day, bringing me much needed newborn clothes, and we ate lunch together (which ended up being free somehow). She took lovely pictures of Eve and me.
Then Jad came to visit after Lisa went back with the kids (we were so grateful for her).
We celebrated Eve’s one-week birthday with cupcakes. Did I mention the food at UNC hospital is awesome!
I wrote down all the things about Eve as of a week old:
She loves to: Look you in your eyes Snuggle Get her head rubbed Hear your singing voice Cross her eyes and stick out her tongue Feel warm and bundled Be kissed
She hates to: Get her temperature taken Get her diaper changed Be poked at all Be woken up
A comparison of Eve to Rigel and Kamren…
On November 3, Eve was really sleepy all day. I would nurse her for 10-12 minutes, and then Snoozeville for her each time.
Isn’t she gorgeous in pink?
But there was some great news that day:
Eve is gaining weight. She is 5 pounds 1 ounce today
We are doing less and less supplemental tube feeding, which means we are getting closer to going home.
Chick-Fil-A gave me my lunch free today because I had a baby in the NICU. I felt so special.
That night was also so wonderful: Jad and the boys came to visit tonight. Rigel and Kamren held baby Eve for the first time. We also got a Rainbow Bright stuffed animal from the Ronald McDonald room at UNC. There were lots of options but I had to get that one because I loved Rainbow Bright as a little girl.
https://youtu.be/kWkymAsefGY
Late that night she was finally awake, something I had yearned for all day!- I was about to take the shuttle back, but then little girl decided to be wide awake for the first time today with very squeaky hiccups. Another hour at the NICU waiting for the next shuttle it is (12:50AM)! I can’t complain…
I had lots of promising news and events on November 4: Today has been the opposite of yesterday so far. Little Eve has been very alert, and very interested in nursing. We aren’t worrying about a feed schedule anymore, but just listening to her cues. She is doing great, and as long as she has no issues, she will be going home Sunday! She passed her hearing test, is all set up with a pediatrician, and now just has to pass a car seat test. I get to room in with her at the hospital tomorrow night. I am so excited!
Here is another update from that day: I love this card Jad made for Eve. It has been a good day. I have had time with my hubby, and time with my dear cousin, who has been so helpful this week. Eve has been so alert and adorable today, and she got her feeding tube out today too! I feel so blessed in every way, even in just the days going by quickly.
feeding tube gone!
Her first smile!
As great as that day was, it ended sadly for me as I left Eve before 9PM so I could pack up at the RMH: I left Eve tonight 2-3 hours earlier than I usually do. It was so hard to leave – so hard, I got teary-eyed. I mean, are the nurses going to snuggle her enough? But, I have to start packing up and try to get some decent sleep for the first time in a week and a half. Sleep and eat well, my little love.
I was overjoyed to get to Eve the next morning, the 5th. I can’t explain my excitement, and it was a great first meeting: This is the face of a baby girl who not only drank ridiculous amounts of milk overnight by bottle, but also just nursed strong for 35 minutes! That is like three times her average nursing time.
She also passed her car seat test last night.
And she might come home today because she is doing so well!
I left her quickly, though, to go to my baby shower. I was so excited for it. Getting out of the hospital and being around women I love was so needed. It was wonderful, from the food to the décor (mostly consisting of pictures of my precious girl) to the company to the gifts to the service project. There were tons of people there, and I was there having a fabulous time for hours. As a bonus, I got a voice mail during the shower saying that Eve could definitely come home! Yay~!
Jad picked me up with the kids to go to the hospital and get our baby girl. They went up to the Ronald McDonald floor while I got her ready to go. Ironically, it only took just a few minutes for her to get checked out, and they wanted to stay where they were because it was so fun. I had to understand the boys’ perspective, though I really just wanted to get my girl home!
I am grateful that Eve was well-taken care of at UNC Hospital. I never worried about her. She was constantly watched over by nurses and doctors, and they had her best interests in mind. I was given freedom to change her, take her temperature, help with her bath, and hold her whenever I liked. The hospital also helped make me comfortable by putting me in the Ronald McDonald House, giving me one free meal a day, providing limitless water bottles, giving me a manual breast pump, and sometimes providing a meal. It was as good of an experience as it could have been. I was thrilled to go home, but would somehow miss that special time at the hospital.
We finally got out of the hospital around 2:45 or so and ran into a lot of traffic: Even though it is a little frustrating not being able to get home as quickly as we would like, we are so blessed that our baby is healthy enough to go home.
It took forever to get to the RMH. Then I had to clean and check out, and then we had to drive home. We were so so blessed that Eve stayed asleep that whole time.
Entering my house after being gone for a week and a half felt like Heaven. We enjoyed our evening together as a family of six.
In her bassinet for the first time!
Even the night wasn’t so bad: I actually got more rest last night than I ever did when Eve was in the NICU. She woke up to eat three times, and went back to sleep. Twice she stirred a little as if to wake, but I was easily able to get her back to sleep the first time by looking at her and holding her hand, and the second time by stroking her cheek. She is so affectionate.
I won’t go through the next whole month of Eve’s life detail by detail because that would take forever, but here are some highlights and my favorite pictures of her:
Nov 6 – Our first morning at home!
Mariah got this cookie cake to celebrate her homecoming.
Nov 7 – First Dr appointment: Eve had her first pediatric doctor appointment today. Dr. Boylston said she is doing great and likely in a couple months, we won’t even be able to tell she was a preemie. We are also going to try not supplementing and see how she does! She has a weight check Thursday. Today she was up to 5 pounds 6 ounces.
Just some cute Nov 8 pics:
Eve and my doll
Eve and her unicorn
Nov 10 – Weight check – Eve had her weight check today. She is up three ounces in three days, which is perfect. At 5 pounds 9 ounces, this baby is healthy and needs no supplementation. Yay!
Nov 10 – First bathtub bath – she didn’t like it other than her hair being washed.
Nov 11 – The day I was supposed to be induced!
Cute pic from Nov 12 –
Cute pic from Nov 13 –
Nov 14 – Jad went back to work – can I handle it???
Spiky hair!
Nov 16 – I had just started nursing my baby. The dog came into the room licking her lips but I hadn’t fed her anything. It was quiet- too quiet. I called for my son. No answer, but the bathroom door promptly closed and locked. Was it as I feared? I unlocked the door. Yes, yes it was. It was horrible. The smell. The mess. The pleading, yet guilty look in my son’s eyes. The squished brown substance on the floor and the wall and the toilet and his legs. The torn toilet paper everywhere. I realized at that moment my dog was the most disgusting dog on earth and that the floor is my son’s new favorite place to poop. Will he ever be potty trained? Will I ever let my dog kiss any of us again?
You can’t make this stuff up. This is the life of a nursing mother…
Nov 17 – loves her hair being brushed (three weeks old!).
Nov 18 – Eve’s first walk
Nov 19 – She has grown!
Nov 20 – First time at Nana and Papa’s house!
Cute pic from Nov 21 –
Nov 23 – Excellent sleep and 4 weeks old! – This beautiful girl made her parents very happy last night. She slept from just after midnight to 6:52AM without waking up at all! This was her first night sleeping through. She just drank lots of milk and went back to sleep too!
Nov 24 – Eve’s first Thanksgiving! – My house has 21 people in it right now. I am upstairs feeding Eve, and can hear talking, playing and laughter all around. I am so grateful for snuggles with my baby, my family, good food, a cozy house, and lovely weather. I am grateful for the great land I live in, for good friends, and most of all, for a loving Father in Heaven, His beloved son, and the Holy Ghost.
Nov 25 cute pic –
Nov 26 – One month old!!! – Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born one month ago today. She was born at 34 weeks five days gestation at 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches. Today we are thrilled to say that she is 7 pounds 9.6 ounces and 19 inches. That is a whole lot of growing in a month. We are so in love with her. Her favorite thing to do is eat. She also likes her hair brushed and her feet rubbed. She loves walking around and taking in the sites. She cries like a goat, squeaks like a mouse, and purrs like a kitten. She does not like to be cold or wet. Snuggles are always appreciated. And she gets like 5000 kisses a day.
My beautiful one-month old
dancing with daddy
Nov 30 – One-month Dr appointment! – She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 19 1/2 inches
Eve in my blessing gown and cape
Dec 2 – Her due date – today!
If it looks like there hasn’t been much excitement since Eve came home from the hospital, that’s because there hasn’t been. Eve and I have spent most of our time at home snuggling and nursing and watching Studio C. I am not going to be taking her anywhere public (except Dr appointments) until she is 2 months old, per doctor orders. Visits from friends and family have brought us much joy, however, and we have visitors often.
I must express my sincere gratitude for everyone who has been helping with my boys during this time, whether play dates or driving them to appointments. I am also so grateful for everyone who brought us meals when I was in the hospital and when we were first home. And how could I forget the kind women who donated clothes and other baby gear to me? Eve will be well-dressed and very warm for a long time.
Life has been quite hard, honestly. Even without much excitement, it is really hard to keep up with cleaning, projects, and just day-to-day responsibilities. Thus, our home is messier than we are used to, and our meals are pretty simple. But, we wouldn’t trade having four children for the world. Hopefully this phase won’t last too long.
You may wonder how the boys like their new sister. Each of them absolutely adores her. They love holding her, and kiss her and touch her so gently. I have never seen them so sweet. Eve brings such a special spirit to our home. Even Kamren, who had been the baby for so long, adjusted immediately to being a big brother. Sometimes Kamren and Rigel still need hugs, kisses, and snuggles, and we do our best to still oblige, but they understand sometimes we just have one arm instead of two now.
Our home also looks different. For several months, Jad and I worked hard to transform Kamren’s old room into Eve’s nursery. For the first time, we have pink in our home. We love her room!
We didn’t expect Eve to come so soon. We had some scary moments, some lonely ones, some overwhelmed ones, but also some faith-promoting ones. Would I have chosen for Eve to be born early and for her to be in the NICU for a week and a half? Maybe not, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Sometimes that plan involves adversity to make us better people, and bring us closer to Him. This experience has done just that. My prayers and yours were answered. They brought me peace, and Eve her health. Not to mention that I know that Eve and I would not have the bond we have, and will always have, without that time alone together in the hospital.
I love my baby girl more than I could ever tell you. I am honored to be her mother, and I am so excited to raise a little girl to womanhood. I hope we are best friends forever.
I have spent a lot of time crying this pregnancy. Some of it has been tears of joy as I finally got pregnant after nearly a year of trying, or finding out that I was finally having a little girl after preparing myself to have a fourth boy. I wish I could say my tears were all joyful, but too many of them have not been.
During my second trimester, I was overly sensitive and everything bothered me. I found myself bursting into tears, thinking certain people in my life hated me, or didn’t love me. I still sometimes have episodes like that.
Lately, though, most of my tears, sadness, and even low self-esteem have come from being the biggest I have ever been when pregnant. I weigh so much more than I ever have, I have gained more weight than I ever have, I have been so much more swollen than I ever have, and because of that, I often feel ugly and gross. What’s ironic is that this pregnancy I have been the most physically active, and most mentally prepared to be better in my eating and exercise habits. Alas, though, regardless of how active I tried to be or how well I ate, my weight has kept piling on…and I am only 33.5 weeks.
Yep, I feel pretty sorry for myself quite often. Last week, my family did a series of day trips, and nearly every picture of me had me groaning in disbelief at how awful I looked. Ah, look at my fat neck, or fat thighs, or never-ending belly rolls. My husband didn’t like me deleting or cropping myself out of pictures, so I kept some, even if I felt I still looked bad.
Why am I saying all this? I promise it isn’t for pity. Maybe I want you to know I am self-aware that I don’t look healthy. But, mostly, (believe it or not), it is to help me focus on what matters most. I know in my head that outward beauty is insignificant. I don’t usually judge myself on my looks, and I am sure most of us don’t completely. But, something happens to us when we don’t look like we know we can or should. We are our own worst critics, and our self-criticism eats at us until we sob in despair at a moment’s notice and call ourselves names, forgetting who we really are and all we offer.
The other day, I posted a picture of myself from when I was 18 on Facebook and Instagram.
This was actually 14 years ago. Oddly, I thought my hips were too big even then.
I didn’t think anything of it really. It wasn’t a “woe is me” post, or a “look how good I used to look post”, but just a nonchalant wish of looking like that again. I was surprised at some of the comments I got:
I have those same thoughts about me! Then I look at my amazing kids, and I’m happy to trade the better body for them…
Beautiful then and now. The thing I noticed first about you when I moved into our ward is how you always have a smile on your face. You definitely glow.
Lovely, but it is good to remember there are so many more important things than our size. You are a truly beautiful person! Always!
I hadn’t posted that picture looking for comments like that, but you know what? I needed them. I needed to be reminded that beauty is not in our outward appearances alone, but most importantly, in our deeds, our words, our characters, and our hearts.
These comments reminded me of a post a friend of mine did earlier in the month. She asked:
Why is it the most beautiful women are the most insecure? If they only knew…
I responded:
Maybe they realize outer beauty isn’t lasting or most important. Maybe they don’t know what else they can offer. I wish everyone knew it was heart, character and actions that make you attractive and confident.
She agreed and sweetly said:
Exactly!! That’s one reason I find you beautiful… You’re so kind and caring!
I was so grateful for her comment. Sometimes I don’t realize that people see good attributes in me. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes – that nobody can see who we really are – that perhaps they are judging us on our outwards looks and clothing and talents alone? I wanted to make sure this friend knew she was beautiful too, and that I appreciated her:
Aw, you are sweet! As are you! You have an infectious, cheerful smile. People need to see it!
So, yes! I am a huge believer that beauty shines in our countenances. It comes from the inside out. I have always cherished this scripture:
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
You know what I just realized? When I spend all this effort and energy feeling sorry for myself and how awful I look, my countenance doesn’t shine. On the contrary, it exhibits nothing but clouds, rain, and darkness. SATAN wants me to feel this way. He wants me to focus on what is “wrong” with me physically so I don’t take the time to build myself spiritually. He wants me to feel sorry for myself so that I feel like I have nothing to contribute, that people don’t want to be around me, and that I can’t be trusted in taking care of others since I clearly don’t take care of myself.
If you are reading this and feeling like I have been feeling, let’s give each other a virtual hug. Let’s think about what we love about each other. Let’s truly look on the heart – our own hearts and the hearts of those around us. Let’s encourage each other to remember our worth. Let’s help each other remember that the Lord will test us throughout our lives, and that those tests ultimately lead to cherished lessons.
The lessons I believe the Lord is trying to teach me during this trial are that:
I need to focus on the joy this pregnancy is bringing me, not the pain (physical and emotional).
I must keep a spiritual perspective on beauty and worth (mine and others) because that is what He does.
I have to hold close to those who love me most, and know they love me no matter what.
No matter what our reasons are for feeling less than beautiful, may we strive to remember that God defines beauty differently. What does your heart look like? Keep it clean and pure and strong. This is what matters to Him.
I taught a class on building an eternal marriage to the women in my congregation, as well as in a larger event for women in my church. I wanted to make the class interesting, easy to remember, and fun. I would like to share my lesson with you so you can have this discussion and do this activity with your spouse.
To create the tastiest concoctions, we must use the very best ingredients, taking our time to cook with love. The same is true to create the most joyous marriages, and the Lord has given us the perfect recipe to make our marriages eternal.
The ingredients were created with the marriage relationship in mind, but the corresponding attributes and actions apply to all people, and to all relationships.
So, in any good baking recipe, you start with a bowl. Notice the roundness of the rim. This will represent the never-ending bond of marriage and family – the sealing covenant. The bowl must be clean, representing the holiness of that covenant.
Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called ‘incomprehensible joy.’”
Elder Hafen also talked about the difference between a contract of marriage and a covenant. Think about those differences as we discuss the recipe for eternity:
Contract
You walk away from your troubles.
You do your part only when the other does.
50/50 effort
Covenant:
When troubles come, you endure them together.
100/100 effort.
You sustain and lift each other in times of trial.
You obey God and sacrifice for each other.
You need and sustain each other.
You are given the strength to give your life for your sheep (spouse, child)
You are bound to each other and to the Lord.
Ready for the ingredients? The first is: Well-packed Time. In the real recipe, it is packed brown sugar.
Our days and weeks likely are packed. But, we can prioritize our time well to maximize the happiness for ourselves, and those in our homes.
President Uchtdorf said: “Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home.”
Time is so hard, isn’t it? There is never enough time because there is so much to do from errands to keeping house to spending time with family to church responsibilities to work and more. So, what do we do when we have completely full schedules? How do we find time to do all of our chores and spend time with our spouses and families? Any ideas?
Sometimes, it is more quality than quantity. Plan time, and make sure it is a relaxing time where you can focus on your love for each other and not outside distractions.
You can also spend time together without being alone together, through:
Texts/phone calls
Stealing smiles and laughs while doing responsibilities together
Holding hands when out and about.
Also, learn to simplify and say no. If you already have a full plate, be honest with yourself. Don’t add more on. Ask yourself: does this help my family or my marriage? Does this strengthen my testimony? Can someone else do this? Is this necessary?
Talk to your spouse about priorities. What is most important? It should be God, spouse and family. Set expectations with each other and do your best.
But, are the issues with time we talked about all there is? What about not having enough time for yourself? What about not having time to make yourself look the way you want to, or to do the hobbies you love, or to spend time with friends? Have you ever felt that way?
So, we need time for those we love, but also for ourselves. Taking time for yourself can really help you be a better wife, mother and person. You have more to give when you are able to sustain yourself. Discuss this need with your spouse, and plan times for each of you to have “you” time.
The next ingredient is Softened Answers, or for the recipe, softened butter.
The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
What are some examples of soft communication?
Ex: Compliments, showing interest, rejoicing in accomplishments, showing appreciation for labors, apologizing when wrong, saying I love you. In prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for spouse.
There are so many things that we need to discuss as couples, things that could become arguments if not done with soft answers, from making/changing traditions, to important life decisions, to methods of raising children, to trouble with friends or family, to personal desires, thoughts, and dreams.
When talking about all these things, we will have different opinions, which could lead to arguments if not done right.
To avoid contention/fights:
Listen to each other’s opinions completely and without judgment. Validate those feelings rather than refute them.
Speak your mind, rather than stay silent, because silence can lead to future fights.
Study both options, and perhaps others.
Pray about the resolution and listen for the answer.
Even with our best efforts, sometimes we won’t say the right things or react the right way. And sometimes our spouse won’t.
Elder Bednar counseled, “When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
We could explode in these situations, or we can breathe, express our feelings, and remember we love our spouse and are on the same team.
Sometimes we will get irritated with our spouse’s behaviors and habits. We feel tempted to tell our friends about it, so they can tell us how right we are and how wrong he is. But this fills us with bitterness, pride, and blinds us from our own faults.
Absolutely talk about your concerns, but only to the one person who needs to hear them. Take time and give space if needed, but always talk about it. Try to understand how each other feels, and don’t turn conversation around to dote on the other’s faults. Take responsibility for behavior and words, and apologize.
Next, you add in Pure Love of Christ, or pure vanilla extract.
Pres Uchtdorf said, “…no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.
Whatever problems your family is facing…the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle. With it, even families with great challenges succeed.
The great enemy of charity is pride. Pride is short-tempered, unkind, and envious. Pride exaggerates its own strength and ignores the virtues of others. Pride is selfish and easily provoked. Pride assumes evil intent where there is none and hides its own weaknesses behind clever excuses. Pride is cynical, pessimistic, angry, and impatient. Indeed, if charity is the pure love of Christ, then pride is the defining characteristic of Satan.
Love in the fabric of the plan of salvation is selfless and seeks the well-being of others. That is the love our Heavenly Father has for us.”
What are some charitable characteristics you love about your spouse?
The next ingredient is whole devotion, or whole milk.
“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto
her and none else. “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after
her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents
not he shall be cast out” (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22-23).
What are some methods you use to make sure you do not lust after other men?
Examples – I will not compare my husband to other men and wish he was more like them/ I will not read books or magazines, watch movies or videos, or listen to music that spark sexual feelings from within.
Pres Uchtdorf said, “Somehow, as the days multiply and the color of romantic love changes, there are some who slowly stop thinking of each other’s happiness and start noticing the little faults. In such an environment, some are enticed by the tragic conclusion that their spouse isn’t smart enough, fun enough, or young enough. And somehow they get the idea that this gives them justification to start looking elsewhere.
In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship. That is the goal.”
How can you show your devotion to your spouse? Examples – trust and accept him, be honest with him always, always remember why you fell in love…
Next is the Salt of the Earth, as a representation for salt.
Matthew 5:13 – Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
Christ is speaking to His covenant people who have been baptized in His name. They are called to be this salt of the earth.
Carlos E. Asay said, “The word savor denotes taste, pleasing flavor, interesting quality, and high repute. That is, it is clean, pure, uncontaminated, and useful…Savor is lost through mixture and contamination.”
He gave examples of losing savor (or purity) – pornography, lies, drug, alcohol, bad language, etc. Then he gave advice: “If it is not clean, do not think it; if it is not true, do not speak it; if it is not good, do not do it.” King Benjamin cautioned, “Watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God” (Mosiah 4:30).
How can we help our spouses and ourselves become more pure?
We should share our sins and weaknesses with each other to help us become one and help each other maintain our savor. If we don’t admit our faults, it is harder to overcome them, and we continue to lose our savor.
If spouses are working hard to live the gospel and remain clean, then they will be more useful to the Lord, to each other, and to their families. And living righteously will help us come closer to God, and closer to eternal life.
John 6:35 – And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.
Draw a triangle with wife on the bottom left, husband on the bottom right, and God on the top – The closer we come to the Lord, the closer we come to each other. Notice if one of us moves from the Lord, if we also move from the Lord, we go further away from our spouse, not closer.
Elder John A. Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue.”
There are many desirable qualities in a spouse, but the ones that matter most are the ones that mirror the Savior.
So, we need to put God first. How can we do that first individually and as a couple?
Christ, through his atonement, not only can make us clean from our sins, but lighten our burdens and make our weaknesses strengths. But, we must go to Him for help.
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).
As couples and families, we will go through trials over the years. If we come unto Christ together, pray for help, and keep the commandments, Christ will help us through all of our trials. I have a testimony that the trials my family and I have been through have only strengthened our testimonies and brought us closer together. Does anyone have any examples?
When you are married, your spouse’s needs, wants, and happiness should be as important to you as your own.
What are some ways you serve your spouse?
Examples:
Learn about and support your spouse’s interests and hobbies.
Do nice things for each other, like write love notes, plan a surprise, do something without being asked, give a massage, be the one to get up and do something when you are both tired. If you give what you want to receive, your spouse will feel your love and want to do likewise.
Be sensitive to moods, desires, energy levels, and work load. That way, you can discern each other’s needs better. (breaks, relaxing, give up time if something important needs to happen)
Stop what we are doing and just listen. Be interested in how your spouse’s day was. Talk about it. Offer comfort and support. Be positive.
Help each other with responsibilities. It could be tempting to say that it is his job, so I shouldn’t have to help. By getting up and helping with chores, your spouse can feel that you enjoy being with him regardless of what you are doing. If you see a need, do it rather than wait for your spouse to do it. This will be a load off of him, which will make you happy.
Pray for each other- thank God for each other, and pray for well-being and strength.
Show affection often.
By putting your spouse first, you grow together in love, and you both stay humble, and as President Spencer W. Kimball promised: “. . . If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.”
Differences can at first glance seem to be an annoyance. “Why can’t he be more like this?” “Why can’t he do that?” “It is so obvious to me that..” “It would be so much easier if he would just…”
When differences start to annoy, it would be wise to look within. “Am I perfect? Do I do everything excellently? Am I the best parent and spouse in the world? Am I better than my spouse?” What will the answer be?
Pres Uchtdorf said, “ If we look for imperfections in our spouse or irritations in our marriage, we will certainly find them, because everyone has some. On the other hand, if we look for the good, we will surely find it, because everyone has many good qualities too.” He also said, “Rather than attempting to force everyone into a mold of our own making, we can choose to celebrate these differences and appreciate them for adding richness and constant surprises to our lives.”
If you look at differences in a positive way, you excitedly see that where you lack, he excels, and vice versa. You complete each other. You help each other grow. You give each other perspective.
What are some good differences you and your spouse have?
There are some things that aren’t easy with being different, like maybe how we communicate or show affection or handle conflict. If you talk together about your desires and needs, and go to the Lord for help, with a willingness to improve, you will both be blessed.
Now mix all the ingredients well – this spoon represents consistent hard work and effort to keep your family strong and provided for. Both husband and wife must put in that effort.
You may have a spouse that you admire for his work ethic, or you may have one you wish did more.
If you are in the latter group, here is some advice:
Communicate expectations together for work and roles. Make sure they are fair and doable.
Say thank you for the things he does do well. This appreciation will motivate him to do more.
Help each other learn new skills so you can both help more where help is needed.
Notice how the dough is sticky. The ingredients are holding together, united in deliciousness. You may say that the ingredients making up the recipe for eternity are cleaving, which means to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).
*twain means two
Elder Henry B. Eyring made this profound statement, “Our Heavenly Fatherwants our hearts to be knit together. That union inlove is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”
The commandment to cleave is meant to help us be united in righteousness, providing us with the greatest joy we could ever imagine. As the Lord said, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Make sure your spouse is one of your greatest treasures. _____________________________________________________________________________________
Now it is time to enjoy eating this fabulous confection together.
I see the eating of the sweet as enjoying life together -being happy, laughing, finding joy in each other, and growing in love.
President Uchtdorf said, “Those who save marriages pull out the weeds and water the flowers. They celebrate the small acts of grace that spark tender feelings of charity. Remember why you fell in love. Work each day to make your marriage stronger and happier. It may be a gradual work, but it doesn’t have to be a cheerless one. In fact, at the risk of stating the obvious, divorce rarely happens when the husband and wife are happy. So be happy! Those who save their marriages choose happiness.”
President Spencer W. Kimball promised: “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have . . . great happiness.”
