Tag: humility

Why Everyone should be in a Musical
This past Saturday, ended a time of my life that was most precious – my time rehearsing for and performing in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with the Durham Stake of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. There is something incredibly unique about participating in a musical. The experiences you have can’t be found in their entirety in any other way.

I have loved musicals since I was 13. The first musical I ever heard was The Phantom of the Opera, in my 8^th grade Drama class. Throughout my entire adolescence, I drank in as many musicals as I could. I would sing them as loudly as I could in my room, and play them on the piano (while also singing). I felt like I could be anybody when I sang from these musicals, and as I sang, I felt I was them.

In high school, I had the pleasure of playing Hodel in Fiddler on the Roof my Sophomore Year, and then Catherine in Pippin my Senior year.

A couple years ago, I was able to perform in another musical by my Stake called Sing Down the Moon: Appalachian Wonder Tales. That was a special experience because I got to perform with my son, Casey, for the first time, and also work with people of many different ages.

Now, after this performance of Chitty, I know that my love of musicals will always run through my veins, and I want to share with you now why I think everyone should be in a musical sometime in their lives:
1. You get to go through the audition process!
You might be thinking, “Isn’t that the least exciting, and scariest part?” Actually, to me, it is a huge motivator. Once I know what show is being done, I do my research. If I don’t know what the show is about already, I find out. I listen to the music. Then, I determine which role/roles I want to be considered for. Once I do that, I very carefully choose a song and monologue to showcase how I perceive the character.

For Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I knew without a doubt I wanted to play the Baroness. I knew her role would be challenging because she has to have impeccable comedic timing, she has to be noticed at all times, and she has to be a likable character while also portraying clearly that she hates/fears children.

It took me a long time to decide what song I wanted to audition with, but I finally chose “Let’s Go to the Movies” from Annie. With this song, I could move, be a little sassy, and show the richness of my voice. A monologue wasn’t required for the auditions, but I wanted to go above and beyond. I knew easily that I wanted to portray Helga Pataki from my favorite childhood show, Hey Arnold. She is one who has a cruel exterior, but a mushy heart for her true love. She is incredibly animated, and her voice goes quite high pitched, like how I imagined the Baroness speaking.

Auditions were really fun. I loved having Casey with me for that. He chose to sing ”Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from Mary Poppins because it was a song he loved and was comfortable doing. That was perfect for him.

I was thrilled to receive a callback for the Baroness. We were given songs to practice and a couple scenes to go over. You better believe I practiced and practiced, and practiced some more. I asked my high school theater teacher, Carol Halbert, for advice, and she said to perform so that the director sees nobody else but me. I took that to heart, and erased all fear and reservations.

For example, instead of just crawling around half-heartedly during a scene where the Baroness freaks out about children coming to Vulgaria, I thought out how a small child throws a tantrum, and did that myself – kicking, screaming, and rolling around.

Everyone laughed their heads off, and I was pleased. By the same token, I also had a blast watching other people’s interpretations of the Baron, Baroness, and the Spies. Everyone was hilarious in their own ways, that it was really hard to guess who would be cast. I honestly would have been happy for anyone. I could see from that day that I was going to make some great friendships in the show.

I truly believe that the audition and call back process is a premium way for you to get your head in the game, be completely committed, and to enter the realm of the musical.
1. You can forget everything else about your life when you are at rehearsal.
There aren’t that many places you can go where you can completely focus on something else, and let the rest of the world pass you by. Theater is one avenue you can do that, because you literally are in another place, and you are portraying another person other than yourself. Even though rehearsing is very hard work, it is also relaxing in that you can leave the rest of your cares behind for a couple hours.
1. You get to wear clothes, and do your hair and makeup in a way you never would otherwise.
I am not the type of person who would wear silky pajamas with a red feathery robe, or a soft pink night gown in public. I wouldn’t wear a skin tight dress that sparkles so much, it hurts your eyes either. But, I did in the musical, and rather than cause me embarrassment, it enhanced the character of the Baroness.

And the last night I wore that gold dress, my co-Baroness even told me I looked “hot.” It sure gave me the confidence to get on stage and do the “Bombie Samba” one last time.

I have a cool story about one of my costumes. In Chitty, I played Baroness Bomburst two out of the four nights, but the other nights I played a small part called Miss Phillips. She was a cold, biting, humorless woman, who was unwilling to help Caractacus Potts in any way. I was having the hardest time finding a costume that felt right for her. Well, something told me to look around my closet one more time, and I remembered a khaki dress I had. Yeah, I don’t wear khaki, but the dress was given to me, and I always felt I shouldn’t get rid of it. Well, I felt that this was the reason – I needed it for Miss Phillips. (Ironically, nobody took a picture of me in this costume.)

I must give a special thank you to my sister, Mariah, for providing most of my big, blingy jewelry for the show. I can’t tell you how many times I got compliments on my earrings, bracelets, rings and necklaces for the show. It’s nice to have a sister who loves bling!

I felt I definitely learned some new makeup skills from this show. It is funny – when I first started putting on the makeup for dress rehearsals, I was so embarrassed about it because it was so bright, but by the time the show was over, I thought that my normal amount of makeup was too light.

I asked a friend of mine, Sarah Jarvis, to do my hair for the Baroness because she is amazing with hair. I loved spending time with her as she did this act of service for me.

The kids in the show, who played Vulgarian children, took their hair and makeup very seriously as they rubbed brown all over their faces, and teased their hair up so much that I feared they would never be able to brush it again.

Choosing your costumes, and doing your hair and makeup right for a show takes creativity and artistic talent. It is so much fun to do!
1. You have so much fun together, you form beautiful friendships and even feel like family.
My church is huge, and I definitely don’t know all the church members in my area. Some people started out being acquaintances, and ended up being close friends. Others, who I had never met, became people who I will always feel comfortable with and will smile at in the future. I got to make friends with men, women, teens, and children. I just love youth so much, and bonding with them made me feel young and relevant.

The cast really had so much fun together. One example is that while backstage before the “Bombie Samba,” all the Vulgarians would pretend to be the Baron and Baroness as they spoke and sang. It was extra funny and poignant to me because I knew that two nights of the four, they were doing that to my voice.

My greatest friendship formed from Chitty was a result of giving rides to neighbors who were in the show. Katie Ricks, who is 16, is a young lady that I now call a close friend. She and I went to many rehearsals with just the two of us, and we had such fun, and sometimes, deep conversations, about important things like boys. I am grateful for her friendship!

It was so evident to me just how much the cast had become my family on closing night. Before the show started, the cast sang “Families Can Be Together Forever,” and as tears streamed down my face, I thought of how we really were like a family, and how I would cherish these memories and experiences for the rest of my life. That whole night, I kept tearing up because I knew it was the last time we could sing “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” together, help each other with hair and makeup, or talk with our Vulgarian or British accents.

I was so grateful to members of the cast during the show that night too. My son, Casey, came down with a bad earache, and so many people helped him, either by offering medicine, consoling him, or giving him direction to lie down and let his ear drain. Because these people cared about my son, they helped him and gave him the ability to continue on and finish out the show.
1. You have to put your trust in others.
The first type of trust I am thinking of is trust in one’s safety. In the show, I had to trust a lot of people when I was the Baroness. I had to trust Christian, who played the Baron, that he wouldn’t drop me when dipping me low to the ground, or that he wouldn’t hurt me right after that as he threw me on the stage. I had to trust that when I fainted into teenage girls and rolled across all of them, that they would hold me up, and not send me crashing down. I had to then trust the Baron to catch me right after that. I had to trust people to help the Baron and I get down the stage steps safely while we were tied together.

The hardest thing for me was to trust a group of men to pick me up, as I fainted to the side, and carry me to the center of the stage. The first time I realized I had to do that, I freaked out a little, but I learned to trust them.

I also had to trust that those I acted with would work hard, learn their lines, and desire for us to do our best. I had to trust that those who gave me advice were helping me look and sound even better. Thankfully, with this fine group of people, that wasn’t hard to do at all.

One of the best pieces of advice I got had to do with the lift in the Samba, actually. Lisa, the stage manager, told me to fall to the side with one leg raised. After the men lifted me, I would then cross my other leg over. That piece of advice immediately changed everything – I was no longer afraid of the lift – in fact, I looked forward to it. I am grateful for all the advice I got from my director, the producer, and the music directors.
1. You have to be disciplined and focused.
If you have never acted, sung or danced in front of others, you may take for granted how difficult that really is. You can work for hours and weeks on a scene or song, and still not be satisfied with it. It takes repetition, analysis of scenes and characters, accepting and applying of feedback, and consistent effort to get good enough to perform. If you don’t believe it, the audience won’t. To be successful in theater, you must also stay focused on your character. No matter what happens on stage – a mistake in a line, the forgetting of a line, or even an unexpected trip or fall, you must stay in character, or else the audience will stop believing.

The last Friday I played the Baroness, the little Vulgarian children tied us up really tight in the Happy Birthday banner. They had to pull us to downstage right, and that night they pulled us too hard and the Baron and I both tumbled to the ground. We could have gasped, or laughed, or cried out in pain, but we stayed in character. What made it even harder to stay in character, was the adorable kids on stage who worriedly asked us if we were okay and extended loving arms to lift us up. Seeing as how they were playing characters who hated us, and I was playing a character who feared them, it was interesting to make that work. I accepted their help hesitantly, but out of necessity, all the while pretending like it was disgusting to have them touch me. And It wasn’t until after we got off stage that I burst out in uncontrollable laughter, and then realized my knee hurt.

Speaking of the Baron, Christian was the definition of focused and disciplined. Sometimes I almost thought he was too focused on rehearsing. He liked to take every spare moment to run a song or lines. I came to really value that quality, though. Had he not done that, I am not sure our scenes would have been as polished.

I have to tell a story of a tender mercy, too. There were times during the duration of the show that I was insanely busy and felt I was drowning. I was certainly focused and disciplined, but I just didn’t have the time to memorize all my lines by the date Taunja requested it. So, I did the best I could by memorizing only what I thought we would be rehearsing on a given night. Well, one rehearsal (the first off-book rehearsal, in fact), we were supposed to only go over the “Choochie Face” scene. I memorized that and practiced it quite a bit. But, because some other things got done more quickly than expected, Taunja wanted us to go over several other scenes. I nearly panicked. I said a little prayer, and asked Bethany if she could do the scenes before me. Well, with God’s help, I was able to memorize the lines to each scene in the few minutes while Bethany went over each one. I am not that fast of a memorizer – I know God helped me, and I believe He did because He knew my heart. He knew I was dedicated, but that I needed a little extra help. I find that is true in my life in general – when I do the best I can, God makes up the difference.
1. You learn to be humble and work as a team, rather than competitors.
No matter what, there will be someone who sees something you don’t, or has an idea you didn’t come up with, or does something better than you, or receives more praise than you. I have seen actors in the past, with lead roles, that are kind of snobby towards others because of it. They do themselves a disservice in doing so. I never felt that anyone was that way in Chitty, but rather took the opportunity to seek advice from others, and realize that alone, nobody can perform perfectly.

I was the Baroness only half the time, and spent much of my time rehearsing alongside Bethany, the other Baroness. For the first couple months of rehearsal, we didn’t work together much, though, other than with learning songs. She and I both had a different Baron. Then, one day, we started sharing our Baron, and though it was hard at first, we made it work. We didn’t get jealous of each other, and Christian was so good to both of us.

Rather than be competitive with each other, and try to prove that we were the better actress, we worked together. We helped each other, and gave each other tips. We accepted those tips graciously. It was a lovely partnership.

One example of a victory that came from us working together, was when the three of us started researching tantrum videos for toddlers. We weren’t getting the tantrum scene just right, and wanted inspiration. Well, we found a video of a kid who was hitting irrationally, and we had an Aha moment. We spent quite a while taking turns trying new ways to do our tantrum, and by the end, we felt so much better about it! It ended up being one of the most fun and hilarious scenes of the show (maybe we are biased, but my friend, Kimberly, did say she was laughing so hard, she cried, when she saw that scene).
1. You rejoice in the success of others.
I think this goes along with humility. In a musical, you can choose to only focus on yourself and how well you are doing, or you can take the time to observe others around you and appreciate their grand performances. It always meant so much to me when someone would smile at me and tell me I did a great job on a song I sang, or a tantrum I did. It really helped motivate me to continue on and do my best. I also tried to do that for the rest of my cast. I truly did admire everyone for their hard work, poise, professionalism, can-do attitudes, helping hands, and cheerful demeanors. We sure had a cast full of hilarity, awesome dance moves, and angelic singing voices.

I remember a few times while watching the show from the sidelines (either during rehearsals or performances) that I felt just how wonderful people were. Some examples were:
1. Hearing the audience cheer as they saw the tiny blimp carry Grandpa’s tiny laboratory across the sky (Lisa, our stage manager, spent many hours perfecting it, and it was perfect).
2. Watching the bamboo dancers do acrobatics I could never do, and cheerfully too!
3. Seeing our new turkey farmer for the first time do his scene, and how he did it perfectly.
4. Hearing how Anjuli perfected her accent for Violet.
5. Listening to the angelic music of “Hushabye Mountain” or “Lovely, Lonely Man.”
6. Laughing hysterically at the inventors, or at the spies as they moved across the stage.
7. Watching Bethany do the tantrum so perfectly, I laughed like I had never seen it before.
8. Hearing Taunja excitedly praise the puppies for being so adorable, and the kids for making her cry when singing “Teamwork.”
1. You understand that each and every person plays an essential part in the success of the show.
It would be a mistake to assume that the lead actors are the most important part of a musical, or that really any one group of people (cast or crew) is more important. All of us make those wheels turn, from the person who opens and closes the curtain, to the people who move the props, to the sound and light technicians, to anyone and everyone. We are all crucial to believability and enjoyability of the musical.

Someone who cannot be missed is President Hansen, who not only played an inventor in the show, but also introduced the show each night, and gave the opening prayer. On opening night, when he gave the prayer, I felt a sudden calm and peace come over me. I knew that everything would be okay. Even if I, or anyone in my beloved cast, didn’t perform everything perfectly, the audience would still love the show. Because of his prayer, and the prayers of others, we were successful each and every night of the show.

I hope nobody in Chitty every felt insignificant. I got to be on two sides of the acting spectrum, being a lead on two nights, and being ensemble, with a small speaking role, the other two nights. I may not have had as much to do on stage on my ensemble nights, but I sang my heart out on side stage, I was there for Bethany to help her change her clothes and make sure she had her props, I owned my little speaking part, and I reacted as much as possible when in the Vulgarian scenes. Were those little parts important? Of course! And every single person in the show who did anything, played an essential role.
1. You realize that the show isn’t about you.
Our director, Taunja Ingram, helped us always remember that we were doing this show for God and for the benefit of our community. Through our performance, we would be lifting others’ spirits, and helping them feel God’s love. Our performance was for God, and it was for His children. It wasn’t for our own fame or accolades, but it could nourish our souls as we nourished others. I think the show meant so much more to us because of that.

Before one of the shows we did, Taunja read this scripture, which touched us all:

But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that they performance may be for the welfare of thy soul (2 Nephi 32:9).’

It filled my heart with gladness when I saw the smiles on the faces of my family, friends, and people of the community after each show Their joy was evident and I am grateful that this cast and crew was able to bring laughter and love to each of them.
1. The music becomes a part of you forever.
This goes for the actors, crew, and the audience. My children have not stopped singing the songs since they first saw it. My son, Rigel, will sing “Me Ol’Bamboo” almost all day long.

Driving in the car to and from rehearsals and performances, Casey, Annika, Katie and I would have a blast singing the songs at the top of our lungs in our accents.

I always would light up hearing children in the cast sing “The Bombie Samba” or “Choochie Face.” They would have so much light in their eyes as they imitated these fun songs. (As a side note, the first time I heard “The Bombie Samba,” I thought it was really dumb. Now, I know it will never leave my mind and heart as long as I live).

As a cast, we would sing “Teamwork” before each performance, and then chant “Oh yes! Go Go!” It really did bring us together and pump us up for the show.
1. You get to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
I played a few characters in the show. Pulling from that, and also from past shows I have done, I have to say that I feel most satisfied with my performances when I am no longer pretending to be a character, but when I have stepped directly in that character’s shoes and become her. When I am on stage, I am not Mandy, and the actors around me are not known by their names. No, we are our characters. It makes all the difference in delivery. If you believe, the audience will believe. This is not easy to do. It takes so much preparation.

This also includes learning their accents, and finding the intonation of voice that makes the most sense for them in different situations. I got to learn the Vulgarian accent, and also use the British accent on my off nights. Zometimes I find myself speaking in Vulgarian in mein head, and it delights me because it means I haven’t completely removed her shoes from my feet.

I always like to have heart to hearts with my characters and ask them their back stories, and why they feel the way they feel. Why are they compelled to do what they are going to do, or have done? Who do they love? Who do they hate? What do they fear? What do they love and loathe about themselves? What habits do they have and why?

You can do this as a lead character or an ensemble member, and it will change you as a person as you build this empathy.
1. You are the most honest version of yourself.
Some people equate actors with being good liars. I don’t think that is true at all. I think actors are the most honest people there are. They are vulnerable and fearless. They portray emotions that others hide inside. It could be true love, irrational fears, insanity, childishness, sexy confidence, uncertainty, tenderness, utter hatred, and so much more. Actors have to find a way to dig deep inside themselves to find a memory, or a thought that will help them show the audience exactly what their character is thinking, feeling, or doing. This is hard, and it takes complete honesty.
1. You can do things on stage people would think you were crazy for in real life.
I chuckle as I think about some of the stuff I did as the Baroness. I am pretty sure if my face were that animated, my voice that high pitched, my singing notes that off, my movements that exaggerated, my vanity so apparent, that people would never talk to me or come around me again. That is one thing I absolutely love about theater. You can be completely over the top and nobody will get freaked out. Your movements, diction, and facial expressions are supposed to be more deliberate and expressive. As you learn to do this, it can be intimidating at first, but oh, how it enlivens you.

Now, I won’t do everything on stage. For example, Christian and I played husband and wife, but we knew without talking about it we wouldn’t kiss onstage because we were both happily married. We were still able to give a believable husband/wife relationship without kissing, which was a fun challenge to conquer.
1. You gain a tremendous amount of confidence.
I realized this early on in my life. I used to be so shy, and really uncomfortable in my own skin. But, once I started taking acting classes, and being challenged to do things I had never done before, I transformed. I no longer have anxiety about singing, speaking, or acting in public. I can do it. I can do humorous, tender, flirty, angry or devastated improvisations any time now because I have taught myself how to, and am not afraid to be vulnerable.

If you work hard, and really own everything you do in theater, you will overcome shyness, and you will realize that you can do anything if you believe in yourself. I love not caring about what everyone thinks about me all the time. Theater helps with that. You just are you, and that is wonderful!

The confidence also comes because if you are given a task in a show, you do it. You may be a little scared, but you take on the challenge, and practice it until you get it right. For the longest time, I was so nervous about dancing “The Bombie Samba” choreography. There was one part I didn’t get right for the longest time. A week or two before dress rehearsal, I finally got it because I kept asking for help. I didn’t give up. I also never thought I could sing and dance at the same time, but by performance time, I could do it, and I did, because I didn’t give up. I practiced and practiced, and had faith that if I was given the task, it was because I could accomplish it.

My heart lit up after my final Baroness performance when Taunja excitedly told me that she thought my Samba was perfect that night. She said I owned it, and that it was mine. The one scene that always scared me I did perfectly? I thanked God for that blessing.

You may wonder how one can be humble and also confident in theater. It is possible, and I can assure you, if that gets hard, God will have a sense of humor and help keep you humble. The same night I felt I did super well, I actually had burning, watery eyes all night. I had a fake lash blunder, so all night my eyes were swollen, and my eyes leaking. It kept me humble, but also gave me an opportunity to stay in character and continue to be confident no matter what. I thank God for that opportunity.

Are 15 reasons enough to convince you to try musical theater someday? I know I could come up with more, but these are at the forefront of my heart and mind.

I will cherish my time with the cast and crew of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the rest of my life. I will never forget my love for the Baroness. She is a part of me now. I know her completely.

The people I worked with I will always admire and be grateful for. I am grateful for their talents, their advice, their encouragement, their smiles and laughter, their dedication, and their hearts. We were a good team. I am also so grateful for my family, who was a huge part of my team – especially my husband. With his support, I was able to consistently go to my rehearsals, that took up much of my time. And I am grateful for all who came to see the show – without an audience, the dream can’t be realized. Much love to you all!

Teamwork, can make a dream work, if we all pitch in and try.
Teamwork can make a dream work, and no mountain is too high!
If the same great dream is beating in each heart,
There’s no stopping what a fighting team can start.
For, all together, a team can weather, any storm they may go through.
Yes, teamwork, can make a dream work, can make the greatest dreams come true.
April 20, 2016
Who Would Be the Best President of the United States
The news right now is filled with stories about the U.S. Presidential candidates. TV is filled with ads that promote one candidate, while often putting down others. Some citizens know exactly who they are voting for, and others are struggling to find anyone to stand with.

I have pondered a lot about the type of person I would want as President, and I am realizing that though race, gender, political party, religion, charisma, etc., are all factors other may use in choosing a candidate, none of those attributes, in my mind, can alone make a good president.

2016 Presidential candidates, I will stand with the one who most closely fits these attributes. Will these encompass you if you are President of the United States?
1. Humility – You know that you don’t know all the answers, and are willing to consult with others smarter or more experienced than you. You do not put yourself on a pedestal and act superior to others.
2. Accountability – You admit to fault and take responsibility for your mistakes. You do not play blame games. You accept the consequences of your actions, apologize openly for them, and commit to making things better.
3. Integrity – You speak the truth, are straightforward, and sincere. You do not tell lies, keep secrets, or tell half-truths. You practice what you preach, are fair and honorable, and have high moral principles.
4. Selflessness – You work for the good of your nation and its people, not for personal gain or fame. You are kind and generous in your dealings.
5. Courtesy– You are careful how you speak to and about others. You do not demean others or treat them unjustly. You try to see the good in everyone (yes, even those not of your party), and utilize those good attributes for the betterment of the country and the world.
6. Commitment – You put your whole being into the safety and prosperity of America. You are loyal to our land. You take your Presidential responsibilities seriously and fulfill them always to the best of your ability.
7. Courage – You are a bold defender of liberty. You guard the rights you wish for yourself, for everyone else. You fight for peace, for freedom, for justice, for God.
8. Love – You show love and compassion for all Americans, not just groups you agree with. You do good for all Americans, and you listen to the thoughts and feelings of all. You wish for prosperity for everyone.
9. Partnership – You recognize you can’t keep this land and its people free and united on your own. You work in partnership with your spouse, Congress, the Cabinet, military leaders, and world leaders. Your most important partner, though, is God. You pray to Him for guidance and direction each and every day of your presidency. You ask Him to give you discernment and the attributes and knowledge you need to effectively lead the United States of America.
This is what I truly believe is most important in a good President. No, I will not vote for a particular candidate just because of party affiliation, or agreement on certain issues, or the alluring promises. They all make promises that make some cheer, but at the very same time make others cringe, or even lash out in anger. All Americans are different. We have different heritages, cultures, educations, desires, beliefs, and concerns. Presidential candidates alone cannot suggest changes or improvements beyond their own knowledge and desires. But with God as a partner, and with the aforementioned moral attributes shining forth, a President can do the most good for the most people – and it will be the good that God knows His people need.

Is there a candidate such as this?
February 5, 2016
Who will live within your walls?

To all the women out there who have chosen not to have children,

I am writing to you as a wife and a mother. You may expect me to judge you, and to tell you what you have probably heard many times – that you are selfish or must not value family.

It may be hard for me to understand how you chose not to be a mother, but rather than judge you for this personal decision, I instead will respect you as I would anyone else.

Because I know life certainly does get harder when you have kids, and that parenthood is a life-long sacrifice, I actually do understand many of the reasons why women do not want children:

Social pressure

I am sure you don’t like being pressured to have children. I agree that this choice should be made between husband and wife. Only peace and joy should surround you as you choose to conceive.

Fear of pregnancy, delivery and body changes

I admit that pregnancy can be uncomfortable, and delivery excruciating. Why then do women do it, and then do it again? For me, as I hold my new baby in my arms, I forget about everything but the overwhelming love I have for my little angel from Heaven. As a mom of three now, my body has changed a lot. However, I believe my stretch marks and stomach pudge are a testament to the loving sacrifice I made to bring my sweet babies to the world.

No more freedom

It is true that when you have kids, you have to think about their well-being in every decision you make, and every place you go. Your hobbies and interests can’t take center stage anymore. Even though this is one of the hardest parts of being a mom, I am grateful that I have learned to put others’ needs before my own, helping me be happier and humbler. I have also learned to balance my life so that I can still stimulate my mind, and do things I like to do. It is a matter of multitasking, prioritizing, and simplifying, all skills I have better developed being a mom.

Husband on back burner

You can still cleave to your husband when you have children. You may not have the quantity of alone time you want, but the quality of love you have for each other can be magnified as you observe each other loving, playing with, and teaching your children, and when you witness precious moments together.

Couples striving to be better parents will develop into better spouses.

Wicked world

You might believe the world is too wicked to bring more children into it. If so, I say, who better than couples who recognize the world is wicked to have and raise children? Your home would become a sanctuary from the outside forces. You would raise your children to be good, righteous people, who would be an influence for good amongst their peers and in the world. People will always have children. We need more good parents to raise them.

Already an aunt

Are you just happy being an aunt who can give the children back? I know that you must love your nieces and nephews dearly. I personally have loved many children in my life, but no love has ever come close to the true, pure love I feel for my own children who are half me and half my husband, who I helped create, who I had a bond with before they were born, who rely on me and their dad for everything, and who love me back, and trust me more than anyone else in the world.

Perhaps it is tempting to want to be able to give back a child so you don’t have to worry about the mundane things, or the tantrums, chaos and stress. Trust me, though – for you own children, you would love them enough to do anything, for they need you to help them thrive. When you are raising your own children, you are also able to better learn from their sweet, Christ-like examples of love, forgiveness, humility, and so much more.

Not qualified

Take heart if you are a woman who doesn’t think you have what it takes to be a good mother. Becoming a good parent is a journey for all mothers, even those who seem to know what it takes. Moms are supposed to be patient, temperate and gentle – all things I personally need to work on. There is no better way for me to develop those skills, and so many others, than by devoting much of my life to raising my children. With motivation, hard work, study, family support, and a lot of prayer, any woman can be a good mother.

You might simply be a woman who never felt she wanted children, so you haven’t.

I don’t want to pressure you to change your mind. My humble suggestion to you is to keep God close. Pray to Him for guidance and direction. Ask Him if the decisions you make, and have made, are right for you, for your husband and for your spiritual growth. Be open to His will, no matter how difficult.

I know as I keep God close to me, and make Him a partner in my marriage, I am able to make decisions that will most benefit me temporally and spiritually. I am able to endure well all of the trials and worries that come my way. I am able to magnify my callings and roles, including that of a mother. I think that is why even though being a mother is the hardest role I play, it is also one of the most beautiful, precious and growing opportunities of my life.

Perhaps, after praying sincerely, with an open heart, your mind will see things differently. No matter what God’s answers are for you, if you follow them, you can live your life with peace.

A woman once said she would rather regret not having children, than having children. By making your decisions with God, you won’t have to regret anything.

I believe the most wonderful influence we will ever have will be in our own homes. It is for you, your spouse, and God to determine who will live within those walls. May God bless you.

This post is part of a blogger round-up with these fabulous bloggers! Make sure to visit each to read what they are sharing about the divine roles of fathers and mothers.

Jocelyn @ We Talk of Christ | Karyn @ Teach Beside Me | Kerry @ My Random Sampler |

Heidi @ One Creative Mommy | Mandy @ A Bliss Complete | Montserrat @ Cranial Hiccups |

July 27, 2015
The first time God saved my life, He saved my mother’s too.

I was not my mom’s first pregnancy. She had lost a baby before me. That tragedy would make it even harder to handle the trauma of her second pregnancy: me.

I was due around August 17, 1984, but I was born June 21, 1984. I was eight weeks early.

On June 16, 1984, my mother was working the cash register at Kmart. By the time her shift ended, her ankles were completely swollen, and she was in so much pain, she could barely walk.

My dad had come to pick her up from work, like he always did. Upon evaluating his wife’s condition, he told her manager firmly that this was her last day.

My mom took it easy the rest of that day and the next. In the middle of the night on the 17^th, she got up to go to the bathroom. On the way there, blood started gushing from her body.

In a panic, my dad quickly drove her to Chippenham Hospital in Richmond. On the way, my mother was having painful contractions.

At the hospital, she found out the reason why she was hemorrhaging: the placenta was tearing away from her uterus. (My mom actually has a misshapen uterus. It looks kind of like a heart because there is a wall going down the center of it.)

She got medication to stop the contractions. Throughout the night, my mom also got multiple ultrasounds to check on her unborn baby’s lungs.

She did not sleep at all that night. She was put on complete bed rest, and had to stay in the hospital for the next four days.

On the evening of the 21^st, since she hadn’t had any issues, the doctors let her get up to use the bathroom on her own.

Immediately after my mom got out of bed, she started hemorrhaging again. She was rushed back to bed, and the ultrasounds started again to check my lungs. I can’t imagine how scared she must have been.

My dad was not at the hospital during that time, because he was at school. While in class, he got a prompting to go to the hospital, so he left early.

When he got there, he saw my Nana and Granddad (my mom’s parents), who had been there anyway for a visit. When he found out what was happening, phone calls were made to my aunt Kathy, my aunt Betsy, and my Grandma (my dad’s mom) to come to the hospital. Back then there were no cell phones, so it was a blessing that they all responded and could be there for my parents.

Because of her intense hemorrhaging, my rapidly decreasing heart rate, and breech position, Dr. Crooks prepared for an emergency C-section, where my mother would have to go under general anesthesia.

Before the operation, Dr. Crooks allowed one person, other than my father, to visit my mother. My aunt Betsy (my dad’s sister), and my aunt Kathy (my mom’s sister), fought over who would get to see her. My Nana remembers Kathy firmly saying,” She is my sister.” Needless to say, Kathy was the one who got to see my mom.

Sadly, nobody, not even my dad, was able to be with her during the actual C -section, but my mom wasn’t afraid. She simply pled to Dr. Crooks, “Please save my baby.”

He responded to her, “We are going to save you first.”

That was when my mother realized that not only was my life in danger, hers was too. That thought was the last thing she remembered before going under.

My dad wanted so badly to be with my mother, but he had to stay in the waiting area with everyone else. What made it even more traumatic, was that the doctor told everyone that they might lose one or both of us.

My family gathered in a circle and prayed. My Nana said she believed it was Granddad who offered that prayer.

My dad remembers crying bitterly, and then the warm embrace of his mother comforting him.

All they could do was wait, with prayers in their hearts.

Finally, they were told that I had been born, and that Mom was okay. I was born at 9:30 PM, a mere 3 pounds 10 ounces, and 17 inches long.

When my mom finally awoke from the general anesthesia, she got the wonderful news that I had survived. Her face fell, though, as she was told she wouldn’t be able to see me yet.

Dad had seen me though, and held me. He could cradle me in one large, strong hand.

He, and the rest of my family, watched as I was prepped with needles, IVs, tubes, and a u-shaped tank over my head to provide me with oxygen. Right as they were about to attach something to my heart, the curtains were closed.

I had to be rushed to MCV because there was no NICU at Chippenham Hospital. My mom was not able to see me before I was taken away.

Dad went with me in the ambulance, unable to visit my mom first. She stayed behind, enduring her intense pain and exhaustion.

When I got to MCV, I was put in an incubator. My dad was allowed to go beyond the glass in scrubs, but nobody else was.

Meanwhile, my mother’s good friend from work, Robin, also had her baby, full term. They were put in the same hospital room. The nurse brought Robin her baby and then asked my mom if she wanted hers.

Her heart aching, she said, “My baby isn’t here.”

This is a picture of me with Robin’s baby when we were about 2 months old.

She wasn’t able to see or hold me, but her heart was with me. She also helped me survive by pumping milk for me to be fed through a feeding tube that went down my throat into my tiny stomach, because I had not yet developed my sucking reflex. I only ate about 2 CCs of milk at a time.

I also had acid reflux and couldn’t digest food on my own. Because of that, I had to take medication. Thankfully, I never was put on a respirator, but I was given oxygen to help me breathe.

Two days after I was born, my mother finally got to go to MCV to see me. My dad drove her there, and wheeled her to me in a wheelchair.

My Nana, who had been having a lot of hemorrhaging issues herself, was scheduled for a hysterectomy that same day. Before her surgery, she watched my mother go to my bassinet to hold me for the first time.

She recalls my mother’s initial look of horror at looking at me with all my wires attached. Then, the most precious moment happened: as soon as I was placed in her arms, it was as if a switch was flipped. Her horror, in an instant, transformed to “total, perfect, and complete love.” Nana had never seen anything like it in all her life. It was such a change.

While Dad was in the room with the two girls he loved most in the world, he watched the rest of the family “cry like a baby” behind the glass as they saw this true love unfold.

Nine days after being in the hospital, my mom was finally able to go home. She and my dad came to visit me at MCV every day, and she continued to pump milk for me, until I was also healthy enough to go home. My dad recalls what “a pain” it was to drive back and forth every day, not knowing when they would be able to take me home.

They were told so many times that in just a day or so, they would be able to take me. Then, they would be told no because I wasn’t digesting well enough, and hadn’t gained enough weight.

As my parents visited MCV during that period of time, they met many families with premature babies. Babies passed away all the time. One day the parents would be there, and the next day they would be gone because their baby had not survived the night. It was heartbreaking.

After being at MCV for a month, my parents could finally take me home. I weighed in at a humble 4 pounds 5 ounces.

That same day, my mom finally had her baby shower, while my dad and aunt Kathy watched over me.

Everyone had to shop at a special preemie store to buy clothes and diapers for me. It was located right next to a friend’s, Steve Montrose’s, carpet store. To give me an idea of how small I was, my dad said my diapers were about the size of a Cabbage Patch Kid’s.

When my parents took me home, they also took home a heart monitor. I had a heart monitor at MCV too, and it constantly had to be re-calibrated, so my parents were a little anxious. There was a Velcro band that had to be wrapped around me, with wires attached. I slept with the wires underneath my little sleepers.

The reason I need the monitor was because I had sleep apnea. My parents were told to shake my leg any time the monitor went off and I stopped pumping blood.

At first, the heart monitor went off all the time, scaring my parents to death. They got no sleep that first night because they were so worried about me. They were so relieved that I made it through that first night. It was actually hard for them to sleep any night. Every time that monitor went off, they ran and checked on me. I had this monitor for six months! My dad told me that my little chest was concaved from having that band around me all that time.

My health was not the only thing that heavily burdened my parents. They also went into huge debt after my birth. My mom had gotten pregnant before their health insurance went into effect, so when she had me, her hospital bills were not covered. Luckily, mine were because I was an emergency delivery. My parents would receive many calls and letters from collection agencies, causing them a lot of stress.

My mother reminisced with me about her feelings during this time of new motherhood. She had been only 22 years old, dealing with the anxiety of having a premature baby who needed so much care. She pondered on how she could have lost her life in the delivery room. She felt so blessed to be alive and to still have me. She said I wasn’t even as small as some of the babies born later term than me. She had been told that baby girls are stronger and fight more, so she was so glad I had been a daughter.

She tried to nurse me after bringing me home, but it was so hard since I had never nursed before. By then, I had gotten used to a bottle. My mom was so worried I would lose weight and go back to the hospital, she started me on formula. Thankfully, I slowly started to thrive.

When I was two months old, Dad gave me my baby blessing at church. My Nana and Granddad had purchased my beautiful blessing gown from the preemie store. Of course, my family thought I looked beautiful, but my dad remembers an audible gasp in the congregation when he held me up.

Nana, Mom, and aunt Kathy with me

I continued to grow, though, and at six months old, I no longer needed my heart monitor.

For Christmas that year, my present, and my parent’s present, was no more wires for me!

To celebrate my new freedom, Nana and Granddad presented me with a huge, and super soft polar bear – the softest stuffed animal they had ever felt.

Nana remembers when I first saw it, I looked at it like, “What am I supposed to do with that?” She chuckled softly as she thought about that moment.

I thrived, and my mom said I ended up being as big and chunky as her friend, Robin’s, son, who had been born full term on the same day.

This is the first picture of me in photo albums where I started to look chunky.

This picture makes me laugh!

Apparently, I also got prettier. A friend of my family, Gisela Tetterton, said that I was the prettiest baby she had ever seen.

Nana said that I grew quickly because I had a very strong spirit. Physically, because of my underdeveloped esophagus, I could have easily died. But, I didn’t. She is sure it is because of my spirit.

To her, it has been evident ever since. I have always been determined to be what I wanted. That strong spirit still remains, Nana says, a spirit equaled only by my mother’s spirit.

Nana said that my mom was determined that I would survive so that she could love and rear me. She was willing to have more children, even though she had miscarried her first baby, and almost lost me.

Mom, Dad, me, and my baby brother, Aaron.

Nana confidently said that there was no way, with the combination of her daughter’s mental and spiritual capacities that things wouldn’t have turned out beautifully.

She lovingly told me that I am spiritually strong like my mother. My mom had just come that way, just like me. Nana believes that is because she was pregnant with my mother the day she was sealed in the LDS temple to Granddad, and her first baby, Danny. She always felt having her there in the womb had something to do with mom’s spiritual side.

My Nana knows how to make me cry. Her love is pure and strong. She told me that she treasures all of the pictures of me as a baby laughing and smiling, especially at her and Granddad. Because of the situation surrounding my birth, Nana has always had a sweet spot for me. My whole life, we have sung “I love you, a bushel and a peck” to each other. She is just as special to me as I am to her.

I know my parents were grateful for all the help my grandparents and other family members gave to them in my very difficult first several months of life.

When I was 1 year old, MCV had a reunion at Maymont Park in Richmond. For my parents, it was wonderful to be reunited with the nurses that had loved me and taken such good care of me. I hadn’t even been the smallest baby they had ever seen, which only reiterated what a miracle it was that I lived.

I still have that bear I got on my first birthday.

My whole life, I celebrated my birthday with my Granddad, whose birthday was one day after mine.

When I was in the hospital, my parents were told that I could have mental or physical disabilities from being born so early, but another miracle is, I never did. I grew up healthy and happy.

To this day, I have scars on my hands and feet from the IVs. My mother still has a very crooked scar on her lower abdomen from her emergency C-section. My parents have a joke that Dr. Crooks “couldn’t cut a straight line.”

These scars are something to be grateful for, to hold sacred. They are a memory of God saving two lives, one of them being mine. I will eternally be grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the opportunity to live on earth, and to be raised by such loving parents.

I have never been so grateful for my parents as I am now, now that I have finally heard all of their memories of my birth, and the first very difficult six months of my life.

My dad told me that when I was two, I never went to bed when I was told. I got out of bed so many times, and often I would be found sleeping at the foot of my parents’ bed. I remember doing that when I was older too. I am sure it was because of the true love I felt for my parents, knowing their love and devotion kept me alive and nourished me into a healthy little girl.

I am so happy that they took a great leap of faith to have more babies after me. My life has been blessed beyond measure by having siblings.

Eddie and Laura Thacker have helped me become the woman I am today. I am so grateful for their examples and for all they do for me and my sweet family now.

Most of all, I am grateful to be alive, when it makes no sense that I am. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and a mission for me. I owe it to Him to serve Him my whole life, and serve His children. I hope to help save souls just as He has saved my life.

I know that miracles happen. I have had many of my own. I will be eternally grateful for all of them.

July 20, 2015
7 clues that your terrible relationship could be your fault

This is the version I submitted to Family Share before it was re-edited and published on their site. See which one you like better:

Sometimes in a dating or marriage relationship, the commitment and happiness decline, and the relationship goes terribly south. When this happens to you, you wonder where the problems lie, and who is to blame. Truth be told, the fault is usually shared, though not necessarily equally.

Reflect on these characteristics of a devoted partner to see how you are influencing your relationship for better or for worse:

1. You are loyal.

You do not participate in anything that would arouse lust. You do not flirt with anyone else. You are upfront and honest with your partner about what you do every day. When things are hard, you stick by the one you love, rather than go to someone, or something, else for comfort.

Someone I loved wasn’t loyal to me, and it was really hard for me to trust him again, or even get over my feelings of disgust and betrayal. Trust can be rebuilt with change, but he sadly didn’t value our relationship enough to change.

2. You show affection often, in word and in deed.

You say “I love you,” kiss, hug, hold hands, and do sweet, tender gestures. You are thoughtful, and make holidays and occasions special. You spend quality time with your significant other, and do things that will strengthen your relationship. You are authentic, and do a lot of laughing and having fun. You reminisce about why you fell in love, and tell your partner often what you love about him/her. You share your dreams for your future together.

I know that without this tender affection, the romantic spark can totally go out.

3. You communicate with love, patience, and respect.

You encourage and uplift, rather than nag or criticize. You compliment and show praise every day. You only speak kindly of your partner to your friends or family. You do your best to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns without yelling, fighting or calling names. Should you falter, you sincerely apologize. You say what is bothering you, rather than turning inward and pushing the other away. You never let your pride be more important than your love.

Humility is something my husband and I are working on to improve our communication. It makes all the difference.

4. You value your significant other’s thoughts, feelings, and interests.

When you make decisions, you think of how they would affect the other. You respect your partner’s opinions, even more so than those of your parents and friends. You listen, and you validate. You would never ask your partner to do anything that makes him/her uncomfortable. You comfort when the other is sad; you support when the other struggles; you celebrate when the other succeeds. You appreciate the talents, skills and hobbies of the other, and try to learn from them. You are unselfish, and put your partner’s needs before your own.

In my marriage, I get most upset when I feel that my husband isn’t listening or validating my feelings. I feel so loved, though, when he just sits with me, listens to me, hugs me, and tells me he loves me.

5. You can be happy without your significant other.

You do not base your self-worth solely on the fact that you are in a relationship. You can feel confident, fulfilled and happy when you are apart. You do not get insecure, or worried when you cannot talk to or see your significant other at all times. You love yourself, and know that no matter what happens, you are special, you are loved, and you have so much to offer.

I have seen people be so clingy in their relationship, that they push the other person away. Then, if it doesn’t work out, they don’t know how to function. Please remember that your partner needs your trust, and also personal time.

6. You are doing your best to be a good person.

You choose your friends carefully. You want to associate with honest, unselfish, giving and loyal people who don’t break the law or play with hearts. You are not entertaining harmful addictions. When you make commitments, you keep them. You work hard, and you humbly recognize your strengths and weaknesses, and are constantly working to refine yourself.

Though I don’t have personal experience with all of these things, I have seen someone I love struggle as she dated a young man who did break the law, pretend to care more than he did, and break commitments. She would try so hard to be loyal and stand by her boyfriend, while he would flirt with other women, do drugs, and even steal.

I do have first-hand experience with what addictions can do to a relationship. One who has an addiction does not have freedom over his thoughts, emotions or actions. He is irrational, selfish, unproductive, dishonest, unkind, and sometimes violent.

7. You love God and put Him first.

You know who your Creator is, and you want to please Him. You strive to show you love Him and others by keeping His commandments. You take time to pray, read your scriptures, and ponder on all the blessings God has given you. You are a light to others as you serve them in love.

This quality has been the most valuable to me in my relationship with my spouse. When we both are striving to put God first, we really are more patient, loving, and service-oriented.

In contrast, my first marriage ended mostly because of sin and selfishness. I can promise you that individuals who strive for spiritual cleanliness, are much better suited for a healthy relationship.

Because nobody is perfect, you won’t do all these things perfectly all the time. However, if your relationship with your spouse or significant other is taking a dark turn for the worse, reflect carefully on the part you are playing. Do the very best you can, and if nothing changes, it may be time to consider a change. God bless you in your relationship and in your life.

June 23, 2015
A tribute to my siblings

I am the oldest of four. My brother, Aaron, is two years and two months younger than me, and my other brother, Mark, is five years and two months younger. My only sister, Mariah, is eight years and 10 months younger than me.

My relationships with each of them have ebbed and flowed over time. I love them all so much, and wish to share my strongest memories and feelings about each of them.

Aaron

When we were little, Aaron and I were best buds. We colored out of the same coloring books at the same time. Sometimes we did coloring and drawing competitions. Most of the time we didn’t cheat by tracing, but sometimes we did.

Aaron went through a phase where he drew countless pictures of Jafar from Aladdin.

We sang Disney songs together in the fan, to make our voices vibrate. He played paper dolls and barbies with me, and I played trucks and Ninja Turtles with him. He would wake me up early on Saturdays to watch all of our super hero cartoons. We also watched tons of movies, mostly Disney (his favorite was The Little Mermaid and my favorite was Lady and the Tramp).

It wasn’t all roses, though. We had arguments over whether long noodles were called “spaghetti” or “basghetti.”

Sometimes I would blame him for things I did (my parents always assumed it was Aaron, anyway). Once, I was in my parents’ room and I saw a dark pink jar. I turned the lid to open it, and I accidentally spilled out this strong-smelling liquid (I found out later it was used to clean jewelry). I quickly got my mom’s towel from the bathroom, and sopped it up. My mom always had a long doily thing on her dresser then, so I know it got soaked. I think I left it there. My dad questioned us that day. When he asked me if I did it, I denied it, looking down at my food. When he asked Aaron, he said “I don’t know. It’s possible I did it.” I think he ended up with the blame, but didn’t get in trouble. Yep, I was a good sister.

As we got older, and I bloomed into adolescence, Aaron and I seemed to fight more than get along. At an age where I locked my door to get some peace, he took that opportunity to be as annoying as possible. He would stand outside my door and start making this weird clicking sound with his tongue, making it louder and louder (we called it the “tongue thing”). Then, he would stick his thumbnail into my lock, and slowly unlock the door, all the while making that maddening sound. I would scream, run to my door, and press all my weight into it so he couldn’t get in. I would prop my feet up on the wall in front of my door, even, just to keep him out. Sometimes, he would employ the help of our little brother, Mark. I couldn’t win then, not even with propped feet.

That is the face of an annoying brother for sure.

Aaron would also be annoying at the dinner table. I remember one night, while we were reading scriptures after dinner, he made me so mad. Every time he read a sentence, he would sniff, loudly. Like EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wanted to smack him. I tattled on him, but my parents were completely unaware of how he was trying to ruin my life.

I am still not done. We had three couches in our family room, and two of them were good for TV watching. Well, Aaron would always sit on the same couch as me. He would perch so that his butt would be up in the air, facing me. He did it on purpose to aggravate me. I hated it when he taunted me with that heart-shaped bottom. I would always lift my leg up high, and bring my heel down hard on his butt. He would just laugh, which drove me even more crazy.

As he became an adolescent, all this annoying stuff died down. I wish I could remember a lot about our relationship, but really, I just remember that I put him down sometimes because I was jealous. At one point, a girl at church really liked him, and I was upset because I didn’t have anyone who really liked me. I remember telling him that she flirted with other boys, and he shouldn’t go out with her. I wasn’t always sensitive to my brother’s feelings, and I regret it now.

Even though I wasn’t always a good sister to him, and he was kind of annoying, he was always a great friend to others, hilarious, loving, and a very talented pianist.

Aaron and I didn’t see each other much for the years after I graduated high school. It wasn’t until a few years ago, that we started to reconnect, and even then, he had times when he lived other places. He is about to go to Peabody Conservatory in a few short months.

I am really going to miss him. He is so intelligent, funny, loving, sensitive, talented, humble, among many other things. He is the best uncle in the world to my children. They love him so much. He is so much still like a kid himself, so he is so much fun. I can always have a great conversation with him too.

Thanks for being my brother. I love you.

Mark

You already know that Mark would help Aaron unlock my door.

When he became a toddler, after his cute baby stage, he became our annoying younger brother. Aaron and I would try to play, and Mark would want to play too. Didn’t he realize he was in the way?

Once, we were all lying on the floor playing, and I thought it would be fun to take my gum out of my mouth and slowly string it onto Mark’s hair. Oops, I couldn’t get it out. In a panic, I got some scissors, and cut the gum out. Later, my mom was worried, thinking Mark had a bald spot. I felt guilty and told her the truth. I learned that day that peanut butter will get out gum. I am sure I got in trouble, too.

Mark was a cute little boy. He was really chubby, with kind of buck teeth. He always wore huge t-shirts to bed without shorts. I remember he would sit in chairs and we could see his underwear. Aaron and I would giggle about it. Once, I drew him in my “journal” (Aaron and I had composition books we drew in).

When he got older, he and Aaron played all the time. They had separate rooms, but ended up sharing because Mark always wanted to be with Aaron.I think when Mark and Aaron became close, was around the time Aaron started to be annoying to me.

I don’t remember having a really close relationship with Mark. He was so quiet, and always to himself. He drew a lot. He was really talented. I, unfortunately, don’t remember having much in common with him.

However, when he got old enough to really play without being in the way, he would join Aaron and me in our puzzle building, gameboard playing, cartoon watching, make-believing, and trampoline jumping.

As a teenager, I was really busy with homework, drama club, and, as Mark recently reminded me, singing musicals in my room (mostly Phantom). I am sure that is why I didn’t have a strong relationship with Aaron or Mark during those years.

Then I went to college. When I came home, Mark was still in high school, and I had a little boy. I remember thinking Casey looked like Mark when he was little. It was nice to have Mark around. He was good at holding Casey for me.

He even drew a portrait of Casey as a baby for his a high school art class. That was awesome. I still have the portrait.

Mark and I have had a few good talks in our adult years, though he isn’t much of a talker. I remember one time he told me how much he admired me and how I lived my life. I will never forget that, and I appreciate it so.

Now Mark is married to a lovely Brit named Laura. I helped Laura find her wedding dress. I set up my house for their wedding, and even made their wedding cake with Swedish fish.

Mark and I have more in common, now – more to talk about. We also both have love for cooking, and have made yummy things together.

I am so grateful that he made the decision to marry Laura, and that he has stuck with her through hard times. I have very high hopes for the both of them in their continuing life together.

He continues to be a fabulous artist, a quality I admire greatly. I keep hoping he will get back into it, and bless others with his God-given gift.

Mark, I am so glad you are my brother. I love you.

Mariah

I was much older than Mariah, so I helped out with her a lot when she was little. She was the cutest Easter baby ever, and the chunkiest. No, really, the chunkiest. Think Michelin man.

When she was a newborn, my mom wouldn’t let me hold her unless I was sitting down. I remember not liking that. I wanted to do what my mom did. I loved having a baby sister.

When she was about two, Mariah was terrified of the vacuum cleaner. Every time my mom vacuumed, I held her in my arms until it was over. I cherished those moments as her protector.

I remember fondly how she used to say “hunder” instead of thunder, and “marshfellow” instead of marshmallow.

I remember watching Barney and Blue’s Clues with her all the time.

She was so adorable, and so sweet. She was still pretty young when I went off to college. She was not even 10.

After college, my divorce, and my move to North Carolina, Mariah was at the agreeable age of 13. She was huge into jewelry. She had some cute clothes, some I even borrowed. I let her borrow some of my clothes too, like a dress for her career day at school.

I found a lot of her passions annoying – well, maybe one passion – a boy who didn’t treat her well that she was madly in love with.

Mariah and I have butted heads many times since I have lived in NC. We are so different.Those of you who know us, know what I am talking about.

I used to make the mistake of acting more like her mother than her sister. She hated that, and resented me for it. I have worked really hard to change that – to be a loving, supportive sister who offers a listening ear and genuine advice, minus the judgment.

We have been much closer the past couple years she has been out of high school. Mariah is a wonderful person. I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She and I are still very different, but we share the ultimate goal of having a loyal marriage and raising happy children.

I admire her love for animals, her desire to make a difference in this world, her acceptance of everyone, and her giving nature. She is a hard worker. She also is a fantastic aunt. She spoils her nephews, and loves them to death.

I love you, Mariah. Sisters forever!

The Thacker Kids

Mandy, Aaron, Mark and Mariah. We are the Thacker kids. We grew up in VA, and now are all together (for a little longer) in NC.

We are a passionate, stubborn, hard-headed, slightly crazy, bunch. We love good food, and loud laughs. We are full of love for our family. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for raising us. You did a great job!

May 18, 2015
The Biggest lessons we learn come from the Smallest people we love

“Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3–4).

Jesus loves and cherishes little children. God has commanded us to bear children when we are able. The greatest joys we will ever experience will be within our own homes with our little ones.

As we conceive and bear children, we are creators of life. Our children come to us as soft, adorable, innocent babies. We love them with a true love we could never describe. As we feel this overwhelming love, we get a small taste of the love God must have for each of us.

Our little ones rely on us for most everything they need, as we should rely on our Savior for our spiritual needs. Our children love us and trust us more than anyone, which is the relationship we should have with our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.

One of the reasons we are commanded to bear and raise children is so we learn firsthand how to become like little children, who:

Find beauty and wonder in everything.

Children never get so busy or distracted that they forget to gaze at the sky, listen to the birds sing, watch the bugs crawl, pet the animals, or smell the flowers. They are truly grateful for all of God’s creations.

Value the simple things in life.

Little kids don’t need much to be happy. They need food to fill their tummies, clothing to keep them warm, a bed to rest in, simple toys to play with, and most importantly, family to love and comfort them. They don’t find joy in material things, but rather in their experiences with those they love most. They smile and laugh more than anyone else because they are satisfied.

Thirst for knowledge, and are teachable.

Children are curious, and they always have questions. They want to learn new information. My kids would read books all day if they could, for they are learning new words, learning about different animals, and learning how friends help each other.

They also want to learn how to do more things – things we do. When we are cooking dinner, they want to stir the noodles or crack the eggs. When we are picking the tomatoes from the garden, they want to help pick them too. They want us to teach them how to play sports, how to do magic tricks, how to play the piano.

Our kids trust us to teach them what they want and need to know. We have a great responsibility as parents to teach them the right things.

Are Active.

As parents, we wish our little ones would just sit still and not always want to do something. What a great trait, though, that they always want to be learning, doing, experimenting, accomplishing. If we teach them to sit around and play video games and watch TV all day, they may learn to do that, but it is not in their natural characters to vegetate. They thrive off of physical and mental stimulation.

Love themselves.

Little children are comfortable in their own skins. They aren’t embarrassed by their traits or personalities. They are themselves, and they love it.

They seem to most enjoy being themselves around their siblings. They can be anyone and do anything when they are with each other.

Make friends wherever they go.

Once children get to an age where they start playing with others, they make friends easily. They have conversations with, and play with any kid they meet. They don’t judge by looks, age, or circumstance, and they don’t think they are too good to play with certain kids. They just see a chance to have fun together.

Love unconditionally, give willingly, and forgive immediately.

Little children can love anyone. They do not hold grudges. They forgive as quickly as they get angry.

One of the sweetest things about my kids is that when they get in trouble, they want me to hug and kiss them and hold them, even though I was the one doing the disciplining. It makes it impossible for me to stay angry, and their
unconditional love permeates through me, softening my heart.

They also are so sweet to share their food with us, or to do nice things for other family members, like draw pictures or just give sweet kisses. Casey has gotten to an age now where he wants to buy gifts for special occasions, when he can. He bought Rigel a toy for his birthday, and this past Valentine’s Day, he bought Jad and I some candy.

Want to be around us all the time.

Our children cherish us. They want to be with us. They want us around to help them with their needs, to give them kisses and hugs, and just to be in the same room as them. There is nobody they would rather cuddle with, nobody they would rather comfort them when they are sad, nobody they would rather sing to them, talk to them, or tell them stories.

My children ask about their daddy every day when he is at work or school. They are sad when he won’t be with them that day, and they pray for him. They also don’t like it those times when I am not there to put them to bed. As parents, we are everything to our little ones.

Desire our approval.

They get upset when we are upset with them. They want us to be proud of them. That is why they proudly show us the picture they drew, or tell us the cool thing that happened at school that day, or show us their empty dinner plate when they eat all their food.

Can tell when we are sad, and want to make it better.

Children’s priorities and countenances change when they see that their strong mother or father is sad.

All my kids, even my oldest, are so discerning. When I cry, or appear low, they will ask me what is wrong with the cutest concern in their tones and eyes. They then proceed to hug me, kiss me, and tell me they love me in the ways they know how. That really does make it all better.

Teach us to be better.

We often hear the phrase “From the mouths of babes.” It is true. Little ones say the most profound truths – truths that are so simple, but so essential.

My son, Rigel, when I am upset, will always ask, “Mommy, can you please be happy?” or “Mommy, can you please be happy with me?” This always stops me in my tracks. If I am distracted with something unimportant, Kamren
will take my hand and lead me to play with him or read him a book. My oldest, Casey, though not so little anymore, will have the most wonderful gospel conversations with me. He teaches me lessons he has learned from reading his scriptures.

Are honest.

Little children don’t say what they think we want to hear. They call things exactly as they see them. They are still working on tact, but what a great example they bring. It is true sometimes children lie when they are afraid of getting in trouble, but they don’t do it for any other reason. They don’t want to hurt anyone, and they aren’t trying to betray trust. As a matter of fact, when they realize that is the reaction, they are usually heartbroken.

Follow a lot of rules, just because we tell them to.

We give our children many rules, ranging from cleanliness, to good manners, to safety, to kindness, to routine. We spend much of our day enforcing them. Our children sometimes choose not to obey the rules, but much of the time, they do what we ask, even if they don’t understand why, because they love us and trust us.

Have the light of Christ in their eyes.

Little children are the most precious angels in our lives. They are pure. They are the most like Christ of any other people on this earth. Their countenances shine with His light.

Jesus has commanded us to be like little children for all of these reasons and more. He wants us to apply their sweet traits into our interactions with others, as well as our devotion to and trust in God.

Sometimes we don’t see all the wonderful things about our little ones because, in our day-to-day lives, there may be an abundance of tantrums, messes and disobedience. I truly believe that these are mingled into our lives to help
us feel a little of what our Father in Heaven feels when we do not listen to, obey, or show love to Him. However, His love never falters and He never gives up on us.

We must always appreciate and love our children, as they are little, and as they grow. They bring us true happiness.

April 28, 2015
A Blissful Anniversary!

Today is a very special day. It is the one year anniversary of my first blog post. As I looked over my 47 posts from this past year, some were short, some were long, some were very long, and some were even longer than that.

Some tell many personal stories from my life. Some contain my fervent testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Some are funny, some are serious, but all have me in them.

Not every post had a lot of readers, but all of them came from my heart, and all are special to me.

I had liked the idea of starting a blog for a long time, but never had the real gumption to take that step. Then there was one day when I had all these ideas and messages flow into me that I knew I had to share. They were about the trials of parenthood, but how they really made you a better person.

I knew that I needed to start my blog then. I thought for a long time about a name. I prayed for guidance. The words to the LDS hymn “Love at Home” came to my mind. One phrase in the song is “making life a bliss complete when there’s love at home.”

That was it. That was my title, and that was my purpose. To describe my blog, I chose this phrase: My heartfelt thoughts and feelings about home, family, love, faith, and personal growth.

I have remained true to this description.

I realize that because my purpose is to help myself and others see that God is there, He loves us, and that He has given us this wonderful life on earth to learn, grow and become more like Him, I may not get the most readers. Though I know that we all can benefit from knowing that life really can be a bliss complete when we are kind, compassionate, forgiving and humble, not everyone wants to read about that.

I won’t lie to you, it hurts when I put my heart and soul into a post, and I get maybe a handful of likes, one share, and a couple comments. I want to uplift and help people, and hearing from my readers helps me know I am accomplishing that goal.

When my readers share my posts, I can reach more people. This may sound prideful, and maybe it is if I focus on what people think of me, or how I compare to others. However, I truly feel from the bottom of my heart that Heavenly Father wants me to be His witness and a witness of His Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, through my writings. The Holy Ghost has put words into my mind and through my fingertips so many times.

I believe I was given my writing talent to share the gospel of Christ, to help others learn from my mistakes, and even to help preserve my family history.

No matter how discouraged I may get about not having much feedback on my posts, I have never felt that I should stop writing. I will write as long as I feel called to do so. Thank you to those of you who do express your appreciation for my words. It means the world to me. There is nothing kinder you could do for me than that.

In honor of my first year of blogging, I have come up with some superlatives. I hope you enjoy them, and take some time to read some of these posts if you haven’t already.

The Inspiration to Begin

Parenthood: Change for the harder but truly for the better

This posts contains the messages that inspired me to begin my blog. It was my second blog post because it took me so long to write and perfect.

The First

Sabbath Day Light: Forgiveness

There was a message at church that Sunday that helped me lift a heavy burden from my life. That was when I decided to start my Sunday series: Sabbath Day Light. These posts meant so much to me spiritually, but as a new blogger, I decided to stop doing them because of the lack of interest. My testimony remains, however, that attending church truly does nourish your soul and enlighten your mind.

The Most Popular

The Monster and the Miracle

This post has had the highest number of reads, and probably the most comments. I agonized over the title, and based on the number of reads, I think it was a winner. If you haven’t read it, this is a story about my husband and a parasite that had grown for 10 years in his body, threatening his life and claiming the vast majority of his liver.

The Least Popular

Sabbath Day Light: A Promise to Receive Answers

Why would I add this one, you ask? Well, because I still think it was a very uplifting post, and is very relevant to the first weekend in April, just a little over a week away. Check it out!

The Longest

To Cleave or Not to Cleave? There is No Question!

I have many long posts, but there are only a few in the very long category. This one is my longest, with 15 pages, 4575 words, 19,854 characters without spaces, and 24, 312 characters with spaces.

That post took me countless afternoons to write. I am really proud of it, though, and I really think that couples who study and contemplate these gospel-centered suggestions on how to cleave to each other, will find a benefit to their marriages. I know that because as I researched and wrote it, I found ways to strengthen my marriage.

The Most Researched

You Aren’t Weird but Your Beliefs Are Part 2: Why Are There So Many Churches?

I spent so many hours researching the beliefs, practices and doctrines of the different Christian churches. It was really interesting, and helped me illustrate why I believe there must be absolute Truth.

The Cutest

Meet Charlotte

There are a lot of pictures of a puppy with cute kids…need I say more?

The Most Fun

Sabbath Day Light: A Perfectly Imperfect Father’s Day

I had a lot of fun writing this one. Last Father’s Day was so different than what we are normally used to, but we made it special and fun anyway. We will never forget it.

The Most Tear-Inducing

Reminiscing about a Miracle

I actually wrote the birth story of my beloved Kamren before I started blogging, so on his first birthday, I posted that story on my blog. The story surrounding my youngest son’s birth is truly a miracle, and may make you cry – in a good way.

The Most Influential

Are Mormons Christians: A Question that can only be answered by a Mormon

I put this one as the most influential because I originally published this on a fellow neighbor’s blog. It sparked many questions about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I was able to answer. I have also found many opportunities to share this blog post with others of and not of my faith, and have received feedback that it helped their perspectives, or that they would like to share it with more people who they think could learn from it.

The Most Eye-Opening

Let’s do what we can

Doing a little service for the less fortunate opened my eyes to how fortunate I really am, and I need to stop complaining.

The Most Picturesque

My Favorite Love Story

This post, that I recently wrote to honor my husband’s and my 5th wedding anniversary, has a whopping 64 pictures. They are some good ones, too!

The Most Helpful for Kids

What I told my son when he asked me about bullying

This post was inspired from a conversation I had with my son about bullying. I know that the Spirit guided me to say what I said to him, and I wanted to share it so other parents could help their children too.

The Most Uncomfortably Personal

Don’t try to be hot. Try to be you.

I put a lot of personal things in this quote about modesty (in dress, speech and behavior), that apparently made at least one friend of mine and my husband uncomfortable. I put those things in to help other women see that they, and I, are better than I used to portray myself.

The Most Scriptural

100 Things the Book of Mormon Has Taught Me

I really did post 100 things I have learned from this wonderful book, which is another testament of Jesus Christ. Looking at the 100 messages, it is clear that it is a work of God, and a complement to the Bible.

The Most Political

Hate Won’t Make us Great

I wrote this post right after election day last year, when I saw an alarming lack of civility. I tried to bring the point home that our country needs more love, tolerance, and support for its leaders and its citizens.

The Most Crucial

Pornography: I say it. I talk about it. You should too.

There is a very sad story in this blog post, one that illustrates the poison that pornography is to individuals, spouses, and families. But there is hope, should one take hold of it!

The One That Means the Most to Me

You Aren’t Weird but Your Beliefs Are Part 3: How I Know Joseph Smith Was a Prophet

It is hard to pick a favorite out of 47 posts, but I knew without looking it would be one of my four posts from this series. The series in total I felt very strongly I needed to write. This one means the most to me because my most heartfelt testimony flows through it. The Spirit touched my heart so much as I wrote, that tears streamed down my face. There is nothing more valuable to me than my testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel.

The Last

Lose. Seek. Find.

I knew I wanted to write one more post before my 1-year anniversary of this blog. I had started one, knowing it had great stuff in it, but my fingers couldn’t bring it together like I wanted. I prayed for guidance for what to write, and this new post flowed through me without any hesitation. It hasn’t had many reads, but please read it. I know it is supposed to help someone.

There are so many more posts that I love because they are about my family or spiritual lessons I have learned in my life.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for giving me a gift with writing. I hope I can always be worthy of that gift.

March 24, 2015
If couples cleave, they won’t want to leave

An abridged version of this post can be found on familyshare.com.

Cleave: To adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).

*twain means two

I have been pondering this verse, and the many other renditions of it throughout the scriptures. This
word, cleave, has been burned into my mind.

When spouses cleave to each other, they become united.

Elder Henry B. Eyring made this profound statement, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together.
That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”

After much studying, and pondering on my own life, here are some ways I have found to cleave to your spouse:

Spend quality time together.

Physically, we need to be close as husband and wife. We most likely cannot spend most of our day
together, because of work, chores, our children’s needs and well-being, but when we do have that time, we should make it a special time.

For each couple, it could be different. In my marriage, I don’t count doing chores or necessary tasks as spending quality time together. Talking together about important issues or planning activities is a little better, but often times feels too business-like. The times when I feel closest to my husband are when we can put the stress of life behind us, and really relax, laugh, and enjoy each other. The love we share has time to shine through, and we are closer
physically and emotionally.

For example, recently we pulled out old photo albums and perused the pictures from our dating and early married life. It was so fun, and even tender, to revisit some of those beautiful memories.

During the times we can’t be exclusively together, Jad and I still feel close as we talk to each other on the phone or text each other, letting each other know “you are in my thoughts.” When we are spending time with the kids at home or elsewhere, we still try to smile, laugh, and show affection so we feel close to each other.

I wish I could say I was perfect in this aspect of cleaving. I am not. I have had to make a conscious effort to hold hands with my husband, or hug him and kiss him throughout the day, because by nature, I am not super affectionate or clingy.

When we have company over (like my family), or we are at a large gathering, I often flit away to talk to my mom or chat with a friend, leaving Jad behind for sometimes extended periods. My husband has been good at telling me that he feels better if I hold his hand and stay near him on walks, or frequently come around him during large gatherings.

This makes sense, because he should always feel he is the greatest company I could ever ask for. And he is.

Sometimes, though, as a stay-at-home mom, I feel that I really need a break for my sanity. Occasionally I will go to a girl’s night, or book club, or church activity. It rejuvenates me, and lifts my spirits, helping me be a better wife and mother. I think it is healthy for husbands and wives to get some time away. As long as you discuss together your desires and expectations regarding time together and away, you are still cleaving to one another.

Make your own traditions.

It is so important to discuss what works best in your marriage and family for parenting, traditions, finances, etc. Sometimes you have to let go of traditions and ways set forth by your parents and grandparents, for though they may have been good, they may not be best for your family. Some traditions may not have been good, and also need to be left behind.

Jad and I come from very different cultures. He is Jordanian and I am American. Americans are more likely to leave their parents and be independent. Jordanians feel strongly about taking care of their parents, and don’t think twice about living with them, even after they are married.

When Jad and I were dating seriously, we took a walk one day and he seriously asked me if we got married, if I would consider letting his mother live with us. As you can imagine, I was strongly opposed, mostly because I felt we would need to focus on strengthening our new little family. He accepted my answer, and not long after, proposed to me.

There has been quite a bit of tension with Jad’s family because he left behind the Greek Orthodox traditions that his family has followed for so long. He and I have decided together to raise our family in LDS traditions. We are at peace with this decision, but sometimes there can be awkwardness with members of his family who do not understand.

Some other things we haven’t taken directly from our families are the things we do on Sundays, the shows we watch, the food we eat, the clothes we wear, what we put in our bodies, etc. We have different standards for many things.

Jad and I discipline our kids differently than was done in my family and his family. We are harder on them in some ways and easier on them in others. Our kids are different. Our personalities are different. Our dynamics together are different.

We have also gotten degrees and furthered our education, where many people in our families never did.

Sometimes it can be hard to live differently than your parents taught you. It can be difficult to figure out which family traditions you will keep, which you will discard, and which you will combine. What will you make new?

Some traditions we have held on to from our families are our love of eating big meals and socializing with our family and friends.

Jad and I have both learned to love different sweets- for him, brownies, cookies and cakes, and for me, knafeh and baklava.

We are great lovers of music. We help others and give of our time and excess. We are thrifty and work hard. We laugh hard and tell great stories – sometimes over and over again.

We also embrace the Jordanian culture, and love wearing traditional clothing, eating traditional dishes, and listening to and dancing to traditional music.

By counseling as a couple what works best for you, both of you will be satisfied with the changes that come.

Be faithful and true to your spouse.

“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto
her and none else. “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after
her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents
not he shall be cast out” (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22-23).

This applies to me as much as it applies to my husband. Women and men can both be tempted to stray. I have thought a lot about how to prevent this. I don’t think any person wakes up one morning with the intent to commit adultery, nor do I think adultery is the only way to be unfaithful.

I have created rules for myself to help me stay always faithful to my husband:

1. I will not flirt with any other man. I won’t go to places or be a member of sites where there are men and women looking for companionship.

2. I will not dote on how attractive another man is, even celebrities. I will not compare my husband to other men and wish he was more like them.

3. I will not read books or magazines, watch movies or videos, or listen to music that spark sexual feelings from within. To me, it is wrong to be imagining sexual behavior that doesn’t involve me with my spouse.

4. I will not be alone with another man, in a car or elsewhere, with the exception of church interviews.

5. I will not confide in another man (or anybody) any problems I am having in my marriage, for that opens myself up to vulnerability. Those conversations are only meant for my husband and me.

Some of you may think these rules are a little too strict, and some of the things I mentioned are harmless. I think that is up to the individual to determine, but for me, all of the rules above will help me avoid lustful temptation of any kind. That makes it worth it to me.

Learn to love your differences.

Differences can at first glance seem to be an annoyance. “Why can’t he be more like this?” “Why can’t she do that?” “It is so obvious to me that..” “It would be so much easier if he would just…”

When differences start to annoy, it would be wise to look within. “Am I perfect? Do I do everything excellently? Am I the best parent and spouse in the world? Am I better than my spouse?”

The answer will always be no, won’t it?

If you look at differences in a positive way, you excitedly see that where you lack, he excels, and vice versa. You complete each other. You help each other grow. You give each other perspective.

Jad can throw a fantastic meal together without a recipe. I need a recipe, so I am the better baker.

He is the fun, silly, energetic, let them stay up dad. I am the organized, kiss their booboos, read them an endless amount of books, sing them songs, help them with their homework mom. We both have ideas on how best to teach and correct.

He creates, builds, fixes, beautifies. I sing, write, speak publicly with ease.

He would rather clean bathrooms and sweep and mop the floor. I prefer to put the toys away, wash the dishes, and do laundry.

I help him with his grammar. He helps me remember to smile.

Our differences are things to appreciate, to admire, and sometimes even to laugh at.

There are some things that aren’t easy with being different, like maybe how we communicate or show affection or handle conflict. That is okay! It is a challenge, but if you talk together about your desires and needs, and go to the Lord for help, you will be blessed.

Only speak kindly of your spouse to others.

When you first get married, you feel blissful and complete. You see yourself as the luckiest person on earth, with the best spouse you could ever ask for.

Then reality sets in.

You get comfortable with each other, and faults and idiosyncrasies start to emerge. Witnessing a bad habit day after day, week after week, year after year, can be maddening.

You start to expect more and see less as life gets busier. You start to take things for granted that you used to appreciate.

You get less patient and less forgiving.

Then you really want to tell your friends and family about it, so they can tell you how right you are and how wrong he is.

This reaction is natural, but is it right? Does it help? Does it help us cleave to our spouse?

I really try hard not to ever speak ill of my husband. It feels wrong. It fills me with feelings like bitterness, anger, and irritation. It fills me with thoughts that I am better than him, he isn’t good enough for me, I do more than he does for the family, and I don’t deserve what he does to me. It blinds me from my own faults.

When I hear other people talk badly about their spouses, I cringe. I wonder if the spouse knows any of this. I am someone who likes to hear all perspectives, and even then I try hard not to make a judgment. Many people, though, will hear one side of the story, and turn against someone, without knowing all the facts.

I asked if speaking badly of your spouse helps you cleave to him. The answer is no; rather it helps you want to leave him. What is the other option, then?

Speak kindly of him, even when it is hardest to do so.

This isn’t lying and this isn’t bragging, but rather it is helping you refocus and remember all the wonderful things you love about your spouse.

You shouldn’t ignore your concerns, though. Absolutely talk about them, but only to the one person who needs to hear them. Make sure those words are kind too.

Communicate in a way to uplift, not degrade.

To cleave to my husband, I need to speak well of him not only to others, but to him. I feel so happy and loved when my husband compliments me, shows an interest in my interests, rejoices in my accomplishments, and appreciates my hard labors on behalf of our family. He will often, in family prayer, ask Heavenly Father to bless me for all I do for the family and kids. I know he feels much closer to me when I do the same for him.

L.Lionel Kendrick’s words ring so true: “Our communications reflect in our countenance. Therefore, we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate.”

Speaking well of your spouse is a way to strengthen his soul. What about when disagreements and irritations come?

Jad and I don’t have that many arguments or fights. When we do, though, it can be hurtful for the both of us.

Our problems mostly lie with wanting to be right, wanting to win, not wanting to admit fault, but rather finding fault in the other (why do you do this to me?), and not wanting to be the first to apologize.

I call this cleaving to myself. This is selfishness. That is the opposite of unity.

Sometimes our spouses do things that are hurtful. In my relationship, my husband is a good husband. He isn’t abusive. However, sometimes the way we say things can hurt. I can choose to get offended and explode and fume out every issue I have ever had with him, or I can breathe, tell him how I feel, and tell him I know he didn’t mean to hurt me.

I don’t think my husband ever hurts me on purpose. I don’t ever want to hurt him either. However, my temper sometimes gets the better of me. I may yell, I may call names, I may curse, I may roll my eyes, I may be sarcastic…there are many other worse things one can do too.

Does any of that help? No, it adds fuel to the fire and a simple argument can turn into a war.

When you start to feel like steam is going to come out of your ears, it is time to take a step back, and remember that you love your spouse and you are on the same team. It can help in that moment, and help repair your marriage.

When you do something wrong, apologize as soon as you recognize it. Don’t justify it, for “shattering a soul” through your choice of communication is never justified.

Make the important decisions together.

There are many ways to make decisions, and some decisions to be made are more crucial than others. However, when a decision to be made, whether big or small, affects your family’s lives and well-being, you and your spouse should discuss and make those decisions together.

Obviously both of you will have an opinion. You could get argumentative, and push until you get your way. Or, you could come up with a compromise, which would leave each of you partly satisfied.

There is an even better way, and that is to seek out God’s will for your family, for what seems right to you may not actually be right. Study your scriptures together. Pray, even fast, together. Leave it up to God’s will. When you receive an answer, you will both be completely satisfied because you will know it is what God wants for you, even if it wasn’t what you originally thought.

Jad and I have had to make many important decisions in our marriage. One of the first was what we were going to do when we had our first child together, Rigel. I had been working full time for four years at a company I loved. I was making good money, with excellent benefits, great coworkers, and definite potential to move up in the company. Jad had been the co-owner and manager of a convenience store in Kinston for many years, travelling several days a week. He made less money with no benefits, and his store wasn’t in the safest area.

Looking at it in my perspective, I kind of wanted to keep working. I felt my job would have been better for our family in the long run. I didn’t like the idea of being away from Casey and Rigel (I had absolutely hated putting Casey in
daycare a few years before), but I would have been okay with it if Jad stayed home with them. Jad was such a fun dad, it would be great.

Jad didn’t agree with me at all. He felt because he was the man, it was his responsibility to take care of the family. He had also put so much work into his business, he didn’t want to give it up and leave his uncle hanging.

It was tough. We couldn’t very well compromise on that one. I had looked into working part time, but was told that wasn’t an option.

So, we decided to fast and pray about it. It didn’t take long for us to feel very peaceful about me quitting my job and staying home to raise my sweet boys. My decision surprised some who thought of my success, but didn’t surprise others who knew of my values. It was hard to leave, very hard, but I have never once regretted the decision.

Because Jad and I chose to take the road God wanted for us, we were happy with the difficult decision we made. And we are still so happy.

This decision-making method has blessed our lives so many times. We also feel more spiritually united, and come closer to God each time we earnestly reach out to him.

Live by “What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours.”

If we really live by this, than we know we will cleave to each other rather than our material possessions. This also brings equality to the marriage.

I am a stay at home mom. I don’t work outside the home anymore. My husband is the breadwinner. However, the money he brings home is OUR money. He never tells me I can’t spend it. He trusts me to use it as I see fit for the family.

The only things we really consider “mine” would be our toothbrushes and clothes. We share just about everything else.

Because we share our financial and other temporal resources, we are respectful of each other’s opinions on how best to use them. We stay on the same page on how to budget money, what we need and what we can wait on, and what we choose to keep or discard as we consolidate.

We don’t worry so much about small purchases or purges, but we definitely discuss the bigger things together.

This saying of what is yours is mine can apply to anything, even heartaches, accomplishments, and joys. When my husband is discouraged or sad, I am too. When I am excited about something, he is too. We won’t always feel the same way, but when we do, we still help and support each other.

Jad getting his citizenship was as much of a joy to me as it was to him.

Put each other first.

When you are married, your spouse’s needs, wants, and happiness should be as important to you as your own.

One way to do this is to learn about and support your spouse’s interests and hobbies.

I love acting and performing. My husband always supports me when I want to be in a show or sing in the choir. He never complains either.

Jad loves to come up with ways to landscape our yard. I give him free artistic license to create our garden, move things around, paint, and plant.

I have tried to immerse myself in Arabic culture as much as possible, with the food, clothes, music and dancing. It is important to me because it is a part of him.

He reads all of my blog posts and comments on them because he wants me to know he is proud of me and is uplifted by my words.

Another way to put each other first is to do nice things for each other, like write love notes, plan a surprise, do something without being asked, show affection often, give a massage, be the one to get up and do something when you are both tired.

If you give what you want to receive, your spouse will feel your love and want to do likewise.

To put your spouse first, it is important to be sensitive to moods, desires, energy levels, and work load. That way, you can discern each other’s needs better.

For example, perhaps you had planned for you and your spouse to do a particular activity that evening, but you see your spouse is really tired or overwhelmed. You willingly and graciously discuss a new plan with your spouse, without being resentful.

Jad is really good at giving me breaks when I am really tired after a long day with the kids. Sometimes he will suggest I get out of the house for a while. If I decline the offer, he will just invite me to relax on the couch while he cleans
up the dishes and plays with the kids.

Sometimes, even if I haven’t seen Jad all day, I will give up time with him if he feels like he really needs to study. This way he will feel more prepared for his upcoming exam, and feel less anxiety.

It is also important as spouses to stop what we are doing and just listen. Be interested in how your spouse’s day was. Talk about it. Offer comfort and support. Give needed hugs and kisses.

There may be days when your spouse comes home from work or another activity, where it is really tempting to vent about how awful your day was, and how you are so upset. Instead of doing that, which can provoke guilt in your spouse, try to keep a positive attitude so that he can keep a positive outlook on the he had.

Help each other with responsibilities. It could be tempting to say that it is his job, so I shouldn’t have to help. By getting up and helping wash dishes, or fold laundry, or organize the closet, your spouse can feel that you enjoy being
with him regardless of what you are doing.

If you see a need, do it rather than wait for your spouse to do it. This will be a load off of him, which will make you happy.

By putting your spouse first, you grow together in love, and you both stay humble, and as President Spencer W.
Kimball promised: “. . . If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.”

Love God above all else.

This may seem contradictory to the concept of cleaving to your spouse. It isn’t!

I looked up all the verses in the scriptures that use the word “cleave.” Not only does God command that we cleave to our spouse, He also commands:

“Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good” (Romans 12:9).

“Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him” (Deuteronomy 13:4).

Jacob, a prophet in the Book of Mormon adds a beautiful truth to the command to cleave unto God. He says: “…cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you.”

Moroni, another prophet in the Book of Mormon, counsels us to “cleave unto charity,” which is the “pure love of Christ,” because “charity never faileth” (Moroni 7:46-47).

Elder John A. Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue.”

All good things come from God. For a marriage to be strong, it needs the Lord’s blessings.

If I love God, I want to keep His commandments. More importantly, I want to be like Him. If I am like Him, I will be a kind, compassionate, forgiving, humble, gentle, righteous, giving, understanding, patient, loving spouse.

Isn’t that what we all need to be happy? There are many desirable qualities in a spouse, but the ones that matter most are the ones that mirror the Savior.

Loving God above all else is the journey of a lifetime. Jad and I are working hard to cleave to God. We pray to Him sincerely night and day. We study our scriptures and the words of the prophets daily. We do our best to keep Jesus’ commandments. We attend church every Sunday, and willingly do our church responsibilities. We serve others every chance we get. We love our friends and family. We teach our children to love God and keep His commandments. We attend the temple as often as we can, and we strive to keep the covenants we have made with our Father in Heaven. We share the gospel of Christ with others. When we fall short, we repent and seek forgiveness from God and each other.

We can always do more, and as we are spiritually united, we can help each other in the pathway to perfection. Jad and I want to live with God eternally, and we want to be together forever as husband and wife.

President Spencer W. Kimball promised: “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have . . . great happiness.”

I know that Jad and I are most happy with each other when we are spiritually in tune, and living righteously.

The Lord has commanded that husbands and wives to cleave to each other. This commandment is meant to help us be united in righteousness, providing us with the greatest joy we could ever imagine. I love my husband, and I promise to always do my best to cleave to him, from now and through all eternity. As the Lord said, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Jad is one of my greatest treasures, and I thank God for him every day.

February 26, 2015
The Pathway to Perfection

President Harold B. Lee taught that: “Christ came not only into the world to make an atonement for the sins of mankind but to set an example before the world of the standard of perfection of God’s law and of obedience to the Father. In his Sermon on the Mount the Master has given us somewhat of a revelation of his own character, which was perfect,… and in so doing has given us a blueprint for our own lives.”

The Sermon on the Mount is found in Matthew, Chapters 5-7 in the New Testament, and is filled with invaluable counsel from our Savior on how to live righteous lives, and to be more like Him.

I wish to focus on the beatitudes, which are blessings we can receive if we come unto Christ. President Lee said that the beatitudes embody the “constitution for a perfect life.”

The beatitudes are interrelated and progressive in their arrangement, each one building on the others. We can receive the blessings of each as we choose to come unto Christ.

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

When thinking of the poor in spirit, I first think of people who are sad, depressed, lonely, and without hope.

President Lee explained that the poor in spirit, “means those who are spiritually needy, who feel so impoverished spiritually that they reach out with great yearning for help.”

The Lord gave this invitation, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair… Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way…If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.”

2. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

It may at first glance seem strange that one who is feeling such a deep loss is considered blessed. However, through such loss, our hope of the resurrection is strengthened, we come to a greater understanding of the eternal perspective, and we become more aware that, as Elder Russell M. Nelson has said, “Life does not begin with birth, nor does it end with death.”

Robert E. Wells of the first quorum of the 70, taught,”When we can see the Lord’s purposes fulfilled in that which gives us sorrow, the Holy Ghost can give us full consolation, and the atonement and resurrection truly become to us the cornerstone of our faith. In the midst of mourning one discovers deeper dimensions of love, friendship, and brotherhood…It is in the midst of mourning that one discovers the personal closeness of his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ and the comfort of the Holy Ghost… We will be blessed in mourning and be comforted as we reflect on eternal marriage, eternal families, eternal values.”

This is one way that we mourn in this life. Elder Spencer J. Condie of the 70 also reminds us that we should mourn, especially for our sins, as “godly sorrow worketh repentance tosalvation.” This is an important step in our journey to perfection.

3. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

When I hear the word meek, I always think about Christ, for that is how he was described. He was gentle, submissive, kind, selfless and humble.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said that “one cannot develop those other crucial virtues—faith, hope, and charity—without meekness…Meekness…is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control. Without meekness, the conversational points we insist on making often take the form of “I”—that spearlike, vertical pronoun.”

If we do most often only think about ourselves, like Elder Maxwell warned, we are not humble. President Spencer W. Kimball said that to be meek one must be humble. He asked, “How does one get humble? To me, one must constantly be reminded of his dependence. On whom dependent? On the Lord. How remind one’s self? By real, constant, worshipful, grateful prayer.”

4. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

If I hunger or thirst for something, that means I desire it, and I need it for my health. Those who desire righteousness, consistently look for opportunities to do good so they can stay spiritually healthy. They work hard to find ways to be more like Christ, who is the bread of life and the living water.

Sheri L Dew explained: “Hungering and thirsting translate to sheer spiritual labor. Worshiping in the temple, repenting to become increasingly pure, forgiving and seeking forgiveness, and earnest fasting and prayer all increase our receptivity to the Spirit. Spiritual work works and is the key to learning to hear the voice of the Lord.”

The Lord promises us that if we do these things we will be filled with the Holy Ghost. I know I have felt an abundance of the Spirit when I do these things, and I would also add studying my scriptures, serving others, and sharing the gospel with others.

With this gift, comes great responsibility. Elder Robert D Hales counseled that “We who have the gift of the Holy Ghost must be true to its promptings so we can be a light to others. “‘Let your light so shine before men,’ said the Lord, ‘that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.’”

5. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

When I think of being merciful, I think of being kind to someone who isn’t kind back. I think of, instead of judging someone or disliking someone, trying to see into their hearts, and realize we don’t know all that people go through. I think of turning the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge, when you have been wronged.

From the scriptures, I think of Captain Moroni, who commanded the Nephite army to stop slaying the Lamanites, and rather call a truce, when he saw their terror at being surrounded on all sides. I think of the good Samaritan, seeing only a person in need, and not taking thought to his race, culture, or background. I think, most of all, of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, who have provided a way for we imperfect people to be clean and return to live with God again.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminds us that …”that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. …How can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven? Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.”

I know that as I have chosen to let go of grudges and judgment, that I have been able to really see God’s love for others, and also for imperfect me. I have seen His tender mercies in my life the more compassionate I am to others, whether it be giving to the poor and needy, helping someone who doesn’t show me appreciation, or just choosing not to be offended, but rather to forgive.

6. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

When I think of being pure in heart, I think of having “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” I think of “[shaking] at the appearance of sin.” I think of having a strong conviction that there is no other option but to do what is right.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin defines being pure in heart this way: “To be without guile is to be pure in heart, an essential virtue of those who would be counted among true followers of Christ. … “If we are without guile, we are honest, true, and righteous. Those who are honest are fair and truthful in their speech, straightforward in their dealings, free of deceit…Honesty is of God; dishonesty of the devil, who was a liar from the beginning. Righteousness means living a life that is in harmony with the laws, principles, and ordinances of the gospel.”

L. Whitney Clayton of the 70 added that “The condition of our heart determines how much evidence of divinity we see in the world now and qualifies us for the eventual realization of the promise that the pure “shall see God.” Ours is a quest for purity.”

President Joseph Smith said that if we strive for this purity, we “will be able to more perfectly understand the difference between right and wrong—between the things of God and the things of men; and [our] path[s] will be like that of the just, which shineth brighter and brighter unto the perfect day.”

7. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Within His sermon, Jesus warns us against anger, which is of the Devil. He instead councils us to love our neighbors, and even love our enemies – to pray for them and do good for them. This makes sense, for we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us. That is the golden rule.

In a recent news conference on religious freedom and nondiscrimination, Elder Holland wisely said: “Every citizen’s rights are best guarded when each person and group guards for others those rights they wish guarded for themselves.”

A large part of being peacemakers is being merciful to our fellow citizens, neighbors, friends, and family.
There is more being a peacemaker, though. Elder Bruce R. McConkie said that “only those who believe and spread the fulness of the gospel are peacemakers within the perfect meaning of this Beatitude. The gospel is the message of peace to all mankind.”

When I first read this quote as I taught Institute, my testimony of missionary work grew exponentially. Elder Dallin H Oaks said that “…peace can only come through the gospel of Jesus Christ.” President Joseph F.Smith added to this truth, saying that to bring peace, the gospel must be “understood, obeyed, and practiced by rulers and people alike.”

What an essential mission we followers of Christ have. He trusts us to help bring peace to our homes, communities, and even the world. I can only hope I can always be worthy of that sacred trust.

8. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

If we are being true peacemakers and sharing the light of the gospel, we will be persecuted, for as Elder Lawrence Corbridge said, “The truth will always be opposed.”

We know this is true. Jesus brought the Truth to the world – He was the Truth – and he was rejected, betrayed, scourged, abandoned, crucified.

Christ was persecuted more than we will ever be, but he still loved and forgave those who hurt him. He endured the persecution without retaliation, but rather turned the other cheek.

Elder Hales said that when our beliefs are criticized, we need to follow the Savior’s example. He said, “Some people mistakenly think responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak… But to “love [our] enemies…takes faith, strength, and, most of all, Christian courage.”

Elder Holland counseled, “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them. In courageously pursuing such a course, you will forge unshakable faith, you will find safety against ill winds that blow, even shafts in the whirlwind, and you will feel the rock-like strength of our Redeemer, upon whom if you build your unflagging discipleship, you cannot fall.”

This promise brings me so much peace. I will continue to defend my faith throughout my life, with as much courtesy and compassion as I can. I am grateful that if I do this, the Lord will not let me fail.

Just as President Lee said that the beatitudes embody the constitution for a perfect life, Christ, in His sermon asked us to “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”

President James E. Faust explained that “Perfection is an eternal goal. While we cannot be perfect in mortality, striving for it is a commandment which ultimately, through the Atonement, we can keep.”

I thank my Savior for giving us the course we need for perfection. I know that as we strive to follow the principles in the beatitudes, and utilize the Lord’s atonement for forgiveness and spiritual strength throughout our lives, that we will receive the blessings God has promised us, most importantly, a place in His kingdom for all eternity.

February 9, 2015