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  • How long should I wait to date after my divorce?

    I wrote this article for Family Share. It feels good to know I can help others through sharing my experiences and lessons learned during difficult times of my life:

    It is hard to know when you should date after a divorce. I was 21 years old and a recent college graduate, trying to raise my baby boy. I had just moved across the country to a place I had never been. For me, whether I was ready or not, the first thing I wanted to do was date.

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    Everyone who divorces has a different story, but most of us share feelings of failure, fear and desperation. We are trying to fill the void in our hearts caused by losing our spouse. While change is difficult, dating when you aren’t ready can make things even more challenging.

    I wish I had known then what I realize now about dating after a divorce. I know that I would have avoided tears, frustration, and a few heartbreaks. There is not a cookie cutter rule on when you should start dating again. The goal is for you to have healthy and happy dating relationships, but no one but you can say when that will be. However, you can get an idea of where you stand by answering “yes” to these eight questions:

    1. Do I live each day without wallowing in self-pity?

    If you spend most of your time weeping about all that has happened to you and can’t imagine moving on, you are not ready to date again. Divorce is horrible, I know. And it is okay to cry sometimes. But if you can’t see hope, dating will not help you find it.

    2. Have I moved on from my ex?

    If you are still in love with your ex, you will probably compare everyone you date to him or her. It will be impossible to find anyone who is good for you if you are only dating to compare. Stop measuring every date against your former spouse and treat dating as a fresh start.

    If you aren’t over your ex, you may also find yourself mentioning your ex one too many times which will push your date away. Take the time to be over your ex before you start dating again.

    3. Am I ready to talk about my past?

    When you are dating, at some point you will need to talk about your past. I remember when I was newly divorced, I was scared to death to tell any young man about it. I especially didn’t want to tell my date that I also had a baby boy. I was afraid that no man would accept me because of my past. Sometimes I would hide it until it became impossible to continue dodging questions.

    I realized that I needed to be ready to talk about my past. By the time I met my second husband, I was at a point where I could talk about my past almost right away. It went smoothly, and I didn’t regret it.

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    4. Am I happy where I am now?

    In my early divorced days, I thought I couldn’t be happy unless I was remarried. Especially as a single mother, I wanted my life to be a certain way. I was engulfed with an urgency to date and get married. I am sure I came off as desperate.

    Because I was so focused on wanting a life as a married woman, I missed out on some true friendships. I missed out on having fun and truly appreciating the joys and blessings that I still had in my life. Although this isn’t what you thought your life would be like, you can learn to be happy in your situation.

    5. Do I love myself?

    If you don’t love yourself, dating again can be a nightmare. You will feel like you have to keep secrets to maintain a perfect and unrealistic image of yourself. No matter how you hide it, low self-esteem shows and it isn’t attractive. Take time to learn to love yourself. If you have self-confidence and know your inner-worth, you will be able to talk honestly, listen better, and smile radiantly. If you love yourself, you will still have your self-worth even if a new relationship doesn’t work out.

    6. Do I know what I want in a relationship?

    Perhaps you were in a relationship where your spouse was selfish, or even abusive. Have you figured out what kinds of behaviors you want to avoid, and which qualities you want? Do you know what you really need to have a relationship that will last forever? It is a good thing to be picky if you are looking for life-long happiness, rather than another divorce.

    7. Have I forgiven my ex?

    It can take a long time to forgive your ex, especially if you felt that he or she was the main cause of your pain. I can testify of the great peace that comes from forgiveness, and how necessary it is. To find the right person for you, forgiveness must be a part of your process.

    8. Would I want to date or be married to someone like me?

    Though it would be nice if divorces were always your spouse’s fault, most of the time both people share some of the responsibility. Are you in a place where you would be a loving, caring, and devoted spouse? Or would another relationship only end in more heartache? If you aren’t as good as the person you want for yourself, it is time to improve.

    Being divorced does not make you less of a human, or less worthy of love. I found a wonderful man who loves me, and cherishes our growing family. There is hope for all who have had the misfortune of divorce. Don’t rush the process. Take the time to heal. You will have your chance at love once again. It is worth it to be patient to find someone who will be with you forever.
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  • A tribute to my siblings

    I am the oldest of four. My brother, Aaron, is two years and two months younger than me, and my other brother, Mark, is five years and two months younger. My only sister, Mariah, is eight years and 10 months younger than me. 
    My relationships with each of them have ebbed and flowed over time. I love them all so much, and wish to share my strongest memories and feelings about each of them. 
    Aaron 

    When we were little, Aaron and I were best buds. We colored out of the same coloring books at the same time. Sometimes we did coloring and drawing competitions. Most of the time we didn’t cheat by tracing, but sometimes we did. 
    Aaron went through a phase where he drew countless pictures of Jafar from Aladdin.
    We sang Disney songs together in the fan, to make our voices vibrate. He played paper dolls and barbies with me, and I played trucks and Ninja Turtles with him. He would wake me up early on Saturdays to watch all of our super hero cartoons. We also watched tons of movies, mostly Disney (his favorite was The Little Mermaid and my favorite was Lady and the Tramp). 
    It wasn’t all roses, though. We had arguments over whether long noodles were called “spaghetti” or “basghetti.”
    Sometimes I would blame him for things I did (my parents always assumed it was Aaron, anyway). Once, I was in my parents’ room and I saw a dark pink jar. I turned the lid to open it, and I accidentally spilled out this strong-smelling liquid (I found out later it was used to clean jewelry). I quickly got my mom’s towel from the bathroom, and sopped it up. My mom always had a long doily thing on her dresser then, so I know it got soaked. I think I left it there. My dad questioned us that day. When he asked me if I did it, I denied it, looking down at my food. When he asked Aaron, he said “I don’t know. It’s possible I did it.” I think he ended up with the blame, but didn’t get in trouble. Yep, I was a good sister. 
    As we got older, and I bloomed into adolescence, Aaron and I seemed to fight more than get along. At an age where I locked my door to get some peace, he took that opportunity to be as annoying as possible. He would stand outside my door and start making this weird clicking sound with his tongue, making it louder and louder (we called it the “tongue thing”). Then, he would stick his thumbnail into my lock, and slowly unlock the door, all the while making that maddening sound. I would scream, run to my door, and press all my weight into it so he couldn’t get in. I would prop my feet up on the wall in front of my door, even, just to keep him out. Sometimes, he would employ the help of our little brother, Mark. I couldn’t win then, not even with propped feet. 
    That is the face of an annoying brother for sure. 
    Aaron would also be annoying at the dinner table. I remember one night, while we were reading scriptures after dinner, he made me so mad. Every time he read a sentence, he would sniff, loudly. Like EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wanted to smack him. I tattled on him, but my parents were completely unaware of how he was trying to ruin my life. 
    I am still not done. We had three couches in our family room, and two of them were good for TV watching. Well, Aaron would always sit on the same couch as me. He would perch so that his butt would be up in the air, facing me. He did it on purpose to aggravate me. I hated it when he taunted me with that heart-shaped bottom. I would always lift my leg up high, and bring my heel down hard on his butt. He would just laugh, which drove me even more crazy. 
    As he became an adolescent, all this annoying stuff died down. I wish I could remember a lot about our relationship, but really, I just remember that I put him down sometimes because I was jealous. At one point, a girl at church really liked him, and I was upset because I didn’t have anyone who really liked me. I remember telling him that she flirted with other boys, and he shouldn’t go out with her. I wasn’t always sensitive to my brother’s feelings, and I regret it now.

    Even though I wasn’t always a good sister to him, and he was kind of annoying, he was always a great friend to others, hilarious, loving, and a very talented pianist. 


    Aaron and I didn’t see each other much for the years after I graduated high school. It wasn’t until a few years ago, that we started to reconnect, and even then, he had times when he lived other places. He is about to go to Peabody Conservatory in a few short months. 
    I am really going to miss him. He is so intelligent, funny, loving, sensitive, talented, humble, among many other things. He is the best uncle in the world to my children. They love him so much. He is so much still like a kid himself, so he is so much fun. I can always have a great conversation with him too. 
    Thanks for being my brother. I love you.
    Mark

    You already know that Mark would help Aaron unlock my door. 
    When he became a toddler, after his cute baby stage, he became our annoying younger brother. Aaron and I would try to play, and Mark would want to play too. Didn’t he realize he was in the way?
    Once, we were all lying on the floor playing, and I thought it would be fun to take my gum out of my mouth and slowly string it onto Mark’s hair. Oops, I couldn’t get it out. In a panic, I got some scissors, and cut the gum out. Later, my mom was worried, thinking Mark had a bald spot. I felt guilty and told her the truth. I learned that day that peanut butter will get out gum. I am sure I got in trouble, too.
    Mark was a cute little boy. He was really chubby, with kind of buck teeth. He always wore huge t-shirts to bed without shorts. I remember he would sit in chairs and we could see his underwear. Aaron and I would giggle about it. Once, I drew him in my “journal” (Aaron and I had composition books we drew in). 
    When he got older, he and Aaron played all the time. They had separate rooms, but ended up sharing because Mark always wanted to be with Aaron.I think when Mark and Aaron became close, was around the time Aaron started to be annoying to me. 
    I don’t remember having a really close relationship with Mark. He was so quiet, and always to himself. He drew a lot. He was really talented. I, unfortunately, don’t remember having much in common with him.

    However, when he got old enough to really play without being in the way, he would join Aaron and me in our puzzle building, gameboard playing, cartoon watching, make-believing, and trampoline jumping.

    As a teenager, I was really busy with homework, drama club, and, as Mark recently reminded me, singing musicals in my room (mostly Phantom). I am sure that is why I didn’t have a strong relationship with Aaron or Mark during those years. 

    Then I went to college. When I came home, Mark was still in high school, and I had a little boy.  I remember thinking Casey looked like Mark when he was little. It was nice to have Mark around. He was good at holding Casey for me. 
    He even drew a portrait of Casey as a baby for his a high school art class. That was awesome. I still have the portrait. 
     
    Mark and I have had a few good talks in our adult years, though he isn’t much of a talker. I remember one time he told me how much he admired me and how I lived my life. I will never forget that, and I appreciate it so.
    Now Mark is married to a lovely Brit named Laura. I helped Laura find her wedding dress. I set up my house for their wedding, and even made their wedding cake with Swedish fish. 
    Mark and I have more in common, now – more to talk about. We also both have love for cooking, and have made yummy things together.

     I am so grateful that he made the decision to marry Laura, and that he has stuck with her through hard times. I have very high hopes for the both of them in their continuing life together. 

    He continues to be a fabulous artist, a quality I admire greatly. I keep hoping he will get back into it, and bless others with his God-given gift. 
    Mark, I am so glad you are my brother. I love you. 
    Mariah
    I was much older than Mariah, so I helped out with her a lot when she was little. She was the cutest Easter baby ever, and the chunkiest. No, really, the chunkiest. Think Michelin man. 
    When she was a newborn, my mom wouldn’t let me hold her unless I was sitting down. I remember not liking that. I wanted to do what my mom did. I loved having a baby sister. 
    When she was about two, Mariah was terrified of the vacuum cleaner. Every time my mom vacuumed, I held her in my arms until it was over. I cherished those moments as her protector. 
    I remember fondly how she used to say “hunder” instead of thunder, and “marshfellow” instead of marshmallow.

    I remember watching Barney and Blue’s Clues with her all the time.

    She was so adorable, and so sweet. She was still pretty young when I went off to college. She was not even 10. 
    After college, my divorce, and my move to North Carolina, Mariah was at the agreeable age of 13. She was huge into jewelry. She had some cute clothes, some I even borrowed. I let her borrow some of my clothes too, like a dress for her career day at school. 
    I found a lot of her passions annoying – well, maybe one passion – a boy who didn’t treat her well that she was madly in love with. 
    Mariah and I have butted heads many times since I have lived in NC. We are so different.Those of you who know us, know what I am talking about. 
    I used to make the mistake of acting more like her mother than her sister. She hated that, and resented me for it. I have worked really hard to change that – to be a loving, supportive sister who offers a listening ear and genuine advice, minus the judgment. 
    We have been much closer the past couple years she has been out of high school. Mariah is a wonderful person. I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She and I are still very different, but we share the ultimate goal of having a loyal marriage and raising happy children.
    I admire her love for animals, her desire to make a difference in this world, her acceptance of everyone, and her giving nature. She is a hard worker. She also is a fantastic aunt. She spoils her nephews, and loves them to death. 
    I love you, Mariah. Sisters forever!
    The Thacker Kids
    Mandy, Aaron, Mark and Mariah. We are the Thacker kids. We grew up in VA, and now are all together (for a little longer) in NC. 
    We are a passionate, stubborn, hard-headed, slightly crazy, bunch. We love good food, and loud laughs. We are full of love for our family. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for raising us. You did a great job!

  • This is how we do it.

    I took the boys to the library last Monday night. I don’t usually look forward to it because Kamren always opens the elevator, he and Rigel try to run upstairs, and one or both run in the aisles. When in line to check out, Rigel was trying to touch the big screen. I asked him to stop, and went to get him when he didn’t. I then heard a voice call my name, “Amanda.” I looked up to the other young man working. He asked: “How do you do it? How do you raise
    three boys?”
    I answered that they love each other very much and are usually good boys. I chuckled as I told him that they bring me much more joy than pain.
    As I walked to the car, I felt that I needed to give this young man a better answer, and I thought about it all evening. As I started to pay more attention and take notes, I was shocked at how much thought and work goes into raising kids. After over a week of pondering, here is “how I do it:”
    Make the most of my time.
    I speed walk around the house, doing everything as quickly as I can before the kids start fighting or something gets broken. On my way to do a task, I pick up toys and books from off the floor.
    I also multitask all the time, often using one arm to do one thing, and the other to hold a child. I help Casey with his homework while starting dinner and cleaning the kitchen, or make a phone call to an insurance company while playing outside with my kids. If I put something in the microwave, you better believe I am using that minute to wash a few dishes. When there are groceries to bring in the house, I use all my strength to make only one trip.
    Make the most of nap time.
    There are a lot of things that can’t be done well when the kids are awake. During these couple hours, I usually pick up the really messy things as quickly as possible, and then spend the rest of the time doing things that I need or want to do – church responsibilities, reading, shopping online, talking to friends, planning, and blogging. You would think I would nap during nap time…
    Get some me time.
    This helps rebuild my sanity, and also helps me miss my kids. I am with them most of the time, but when my husband is home, sometimes I go work out, go to a church activity, or go to the movies with friends. Sometimes, we get a babysitter, and go somewhere fun together!
    Deal with daily destruction.
    Boys are really rough and crazy. They are constantly jumping off things, pretending to fight with “swords”, throwing things, and tumbling around.
    Every week something in my home gets messed up. We try to learn from every destructive act by putting something up higher, locking more doors, listening for when it is “too quiet,” or buying more durable or less expensive
    stuff.
    My house is also a little greasy, and I have to be okay with the fact that I can’t keep it spotless. We often find dried up food on door knobs or the wall. There are always crumbs on the floor and smeared food on the couch. We just clean it up as we see it and move on. The kids will probably always have stains on their clothing, or messy hair.
    Making a mess often makes the kids so happy, so sometimes we sit back and let them do it (or help them in the process). Seeing them make memories and have fun is more important than avoiding a mess.
     Do a lot of physical activity.
    My boys love to have piggy back rides, play “run from mommy,” pretend to be super heroes on the trampoline, and spin around so much, everyone falls down in dizziness. They want to run, and run fast. They want to be outside all
    the time. I have to somehow find the energy to do all this physical activity. Luckily, I have their dad, who can take on that role a lot of the time.
    Do activities together.
    I want my boys to be best friends. My husband and I really think hard as to what toys to have inside and outside, and what special things we can do that all of the boys will enjoy, at their very different ages. We also encourage them to play together, to hug each other, and to help each other.
     Going places as a family helps us make fun memories, and learn more about each other’s interests. It also helps decrease boredom and irritability to have something to look forward to. The kids always enjoy going to the children’s museum, the library, the playground, the park, and play dates. Sometimes we take them out to eat, to a movie, or on a trip.
    Be flexible.
    Things aren’t always going to go according to plan. Kids can get sick or hurt. The weather might change. Someone might cancel a play date, or an activity might be postponed. It is important for me to stay positive and flexible, so I can help my children do that too.
     Be silly!
    When I am having fun, being silly, and laughing with the children, they enjoy life even more. The house is lit up in joy. We do a lot of tickling, and making goofy faces and funny sounds. Much giggling ensues.
    Show love and attention to each child. 
    Our boys have very different needs and personalities, so they all need individual attention. They want to show me what is important to them. I need to make sure I focus and show them I care.
    They also communicate in different ways. Kamren barely talks, so I have had to learn how to decipher him. I often tell him to “show me,” and he takes my hand.
    All of my boys really treasure affection. It could be by cuddling, giving hugs and kisses, playing with them, or saying “I love you.” It is so important that they feel equally loved.When they are in bad moods, it is usually because they need attention, so I give extra hugs, talk to them, or tell them I love them.
    Praise and reward them.
    My boys need to see their mother as their biggest fan. I congratulate them on their hard work, hang up their drawings, attend my oldest’s award ceremonies and performances, reward my oldest when he does well on a
    report card or gets an award, and do lots of high fives and fist bumps when they cooperate, do something nice, or learn to do something new.
    Celebrate special occasions and have family traditions.
    We make every child’s birthday special. We do a special meal and cake. We usually have family over, but also sometimes do parties. We also do special things for all other major holidays. They are definitely times to
    look forward to.
    We have some fun traditions too, like whenever we make pizza or get a fun snack, we eat it picnic style while watching a movie. Every Sunday, we eat dinner with our extended family, and when the weather is good, we take walks together.
    Capture adorable moments.
    We always need reminders of how much we love and cherish our children. I feel it the most during those quiet moments when they are reading together, watching a movie together, or sleeping. This is when they appear the
    most angelic. I treasure the pictures I take and the stories I write about my three boys.
    Teach them constantly.
    I do my best to answer their questions. I read them a lot of books. I point things out, and explain things when I see teachable moments. I help Casey with his homework daily.
    Jad and I also teach by letting the kids help us cook, fix things, fold laundry, vacuum, and garden. We share our talents and hobbies with them to build connections, and expand their capabilities. For example, I teach Casey
    piano, and Jad teaches the children Arabic.
    If one of the kids is trying to do something, but struggling, I don’t just take over. I give them some time to try again before I help. Often, they teach themselves.
    Manners are also something we constantly teach. I don’t know what it is about boys, but they think all kinds of bodily functions are funny. I try to teach my boys to say “excuse me” when they burp, etc. I also remind them to
    say “please (Kamren gives me a kiss instead),” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and “yes, ma’am/sir.”
    Give them responsibilities.
    I want my children to be self-reliant and learn the value of work. My oldest has the most responsibilities because he knows how to do the most. However, the little ones know they need to clean up their toys, put their dishes in the sink, and put their leftover drinks in the refrigerator. We sing the “clean up” song a lot in our house.
    Be strict and enforce the rules.
    My kids need to know who is boss. Having a lot of rules helps discipline them, and enforcing the rules helps them learn the value of obedience and respect. “Yes, you are always going to wash your hands after using the bathroom or eating.” “No, you are not going to play and run around until after you have eaten all your food.” “You can’t play with your friends if your room and bathroom are disgusting.”
    There are so many rules the kids, especially my little ones, ignore. My husband and I have to follow them and make sure they are following the rules, and if they aren’t, we have to redirect them. If my oldest breaks a rule on purpose, there are consequences.When they hurt each other, we always make sure they apologize and give each other hugs.
     Provide for their temporal needs.
    My husband and I make sure our children are fed, clothed, rested, bathed, warm, socialized, and happy. This includes in the home and outside it (got to keep the diaper bag well-stocked). As they get older, we help them learn how to do these things themselves, but we are always focused on their well-being. Most of the time, we make sure their needs are taken care of before our own.
     Keep them safe.
    There is a lot of looking around, holding of hands, calling of names, yelling to stop, and running to catch up in my mom life. Kids do not understand how dangerous the world is, so my husband and I are constantly teaching them about looking both ways before crossing the street, wearing seat belts, staying close to mom and dad at all times, not touching certain things, etc.
    Run errands with them, even though they are crazy.
    I always kind of dread going to the store, the library, or anywhere the kids need to reigned in and quiet. The opposite always happens. I could just wait until my husband is home to run all the errands, but time with him is limited. I want our family to have fun when Daddy is home, not worry about all the things we have to do.
    Don’t worry about what everyone else is thinking, but just do my best.
    People are going to judge me for having three kids, and for going out in public with them. They are going to judge my parenting by how my children behave. It is very important for my self-esteem, my sanity, my productivity,
    and my relationship with my children, to not care what other people think.
    Even without thinking of what others are thinking, I can sometimes be hard on myself when I can’t keep the house clean, stay patient, or have the time or energy to accomplish all my tasks. I try to remember to just do my best
    based on my capacity for that day, and then strive to be a little better the next day. My children know I love them. With faith and hard work, I know I can endure all the hardships of parenting.
    Ask for advice.
    There is no instruction manual for moms. It is really hard to know what to do in every situation that comes up. I ask for help from other moms who have gone through things I go through. Often, I get really good advice on how
    to help my kids, and even how to be a better mom.
    Be united with Daddy.
    It is so important for my husband and I to be united in rule-making, disciplining, traditions, and in all other aspects of raising our children. Children need a safe haven. If Mommy and Daddy show love for each other, they will know they are safe. They will feel loved, and want to be at home.
    Keep God in our home.
    We sing a lot of children’s hymns in our house. We also read the scriptures every night, and pray as a family often. We have pictures of Jesus around the house, and talk about how He loves us. We do family nights where we
    talk about how to be better children of God.  Our sweet kids find comfort in these routines, even if they don’t always seem to be paying attention. Love is stronger in our home as we make God a big part of it.
    Pray a lot.
    My husband and I aren’t perfect parents. We really struggle with stress, lack of sleep, and concerns about our children’s behavior and happiness. We pray constantly for patience, for guidance on how to better teach and show
    love to our children, and for the well-being and safety of our family.
     I don’t parent my children alone. My husband, God, and I raise them together. That is how we raise three boys.

     

  • The Biggest lessons we learn come from the Smallest people we love

    “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3–4).
    Jesus loves and cherishes little children. God has commanded us to bear children when we are able. The greatest joys we will ever experience will be within our own homes with our little ones.
    As we conceive and bear children, we are creators of life. Our children come to us as soft, adorable, innocent babies. We love them with a true love we could never describe. As we feel this overwhelming love, we get a small taste of the love God must have for each of us.
    Our little ones rely on us for most everything they need, as we should rely on our Savior for our spiritual needs. Our children love us and trust us more than anyone, which is the relationship we should have with our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.
    One of the reasons we are commanded to bear and raise children is so we learn firsthand how to become like little children, who:
    Find beauty and wonder in everything.
    Children never get so busy or distracted that they forget to gaze at the sky, listen to the birds sing, watch the bugs crawl, pet the animals, or smell the flowers. They are truly grateful for all of God’s creations.
    Value the simple things in life.
    Little kids don’t need much to be happy. They need food to fill their tummies, clothing to keep them warm, a bed to rest in, simple toys to play with, and most importantly, family to love and comfort them. They don’t find joy in material things, but rather in their experiences with those they love most. They smile and laugh more than anyone else because they are satisfied.
    Thirst for knowledge, and are teachable.
    Children are curious, and they always have questions. They want to learn new information.  My kids would read books all day if they could, for they are learning new words, learning about different animals, and learning how friends help each other.
    They also want to learn how to do more things – things we do.  When we are cooking dinner, they want to stir the noodles or crack the eggs.  When we are picking the tomatoes from the garden, they want to help pick them too. They want us to teach them how to play sports, how to do magic tricks, how to play the piano.
    Our kids trust us to teach them what they want and need to know. We have a great responsibility as parents to teach them the right things.
    Are Active.
    As parents, we wish our little ones would just sit still and not always want to do something. What a great trait, though, that they always want to be learning, doing, experimenting, accomplishing.  If we teach them to sit around and play video games and watch TV all day, they may learn to do that, but it is not in their natural characters to vegetate. They thrive off of physical and mental stimulation.
    Love themselves.
    Little children are comfortable in their own skins. They aren’t embarrassed by their traits or personalities. They are themselves, and they love it.
    They seem to most enjoy being themselves around their siblings. They can be anyone and do anything when they are with each other.
    Make friends wherever they go.
    Once children get to an age where they start playing with others, they make friends easily. They have conversations with, and play with any kid they meet. They don’t judge by looks, age, or circumstance, and they don’t think they are too good to play with certain kids. They just see a chance to have fun together.
    Love unconditionally, give willingly, and forgive immediately.
    Little children can love anyone. They do not hold grudges. They forgive as quickly as they get angry.
    One of the sweetest things about my kids is that when they get in trouble, they want me to hug and kiss them and hold them, even though I was the one doing the disciplining. It makes it impossible for me to stay angry, and their
    unconditional love permeates through me, softening my heart.
    They also are so sweet to share their food with us, or to do nice things for other family members, like draw pictures or just give sweet kisses. Casey has gotten to an age now where he wants to buy gifts for special occasions, when he can. He bought Rigel a toy for his birthday, and this past Valentine’s Day, he bought Jad and I some candy.
    Want to be around us all the time.
    Our children cherish us. They want to be with us. They want us around to help them with their needs, to give them kisses and hugs, and just to be in the same room as them. There is nobody they would rather cuddle with, nobody they would rather comfort them when they are sad, nobody they would rather sing to them, talk to them, or tell them stories.
    My children ask about their daddy every day when he is at work or school. They are sad when he won’t be with them that day, and they pray for him. They also don’t like it those times when I am not there to put them to bed. As parents, we are everything to our little ones.
    Desire our approval.
    They get upset when we are upset with them. They want us to be proud of them. That is why they proudly show us the picture they drew, or tell us the cool thing that happened at school that day, or show us their empty dinner plate when they eat all their food.
    Can tell when we are sad, and want to make it better.
    Children’s priorities and countenances change when they see that their strong mother or father is sad.
    All my kids, even my oldest, are so discerning. When I cry, or appear low, they will ask me what is wrong with the cutest concern in their tones and eyes. They then proceed to hug me, kiss me, and tell me they love me in the ways they know how. That really does make it all better.
    Teach us to be better.
    We often hear the phrase “From the mouths of babes.” It is true. Little ones say the most profound truths – truths that are so simple, but so essential.
    My son, Rigel, when I am upset, will always ask, “Mommy, can you please be happy?” or “Mommy, can you please be happy with me?” This always stops me in my tracks. If I am distracted with something unimportant, Kamren
    will take my hand and lead me to play with him or read him a book. My oldest, Casey, though not so little anymore, will have the most wonderful gospel conversations with me. He teaches me lessons he has learned from reading his scriptures.
    Are honest.
    Little children don’t say what they think we want to hear. They call things exactly as they see them.  They are still working on tact, but what a great example they bring. It is true sometimes children lie when they are afraid of getting in trouble, but they don’t do it for any other reason. They don’t want to hurt anyone, and they aren’t trying to betray trust. As a matter of fact, when they realize that is the reaction, they are usually heartbroken.
    Follow a lot of rules, just because we tell them to.
     
    We give our children many rules, ranging from cleanliness, to good manners, to safety, to kindness, to routine. We spend much of our day enforcing them. Our children sometimes choose not to obey the rules, but much of the time, they do what we ask, even if they don’t understand why, because they love us and trust us.
    Have the light of Christ in their eyes.
    Little children are the most precious angels in our lives. They are pure. They are the most like Christ of any other people on this earth. Their countenances shine with His light.
    Jesus has commanded us to be like little children for all of these reasons and more. He wants us to apply their sweet traits into our interactions with others, as well as our devotion to and trust in God.
    Sometimes we don’t see all the wonderful things about our little ones because, in our day-to-day lives, there may be an abundance of tantrums, messes and disobedience. I truly believe that these are mingled into our lives to help
    us feel a little of what our Father in Heaven feels when we do not listen to, obey, or show love to Him. However, His love never falters and He never gives up on us.
    We must always appreciate and love our children, as they are little, and as they grow. They bring us true happiness.

  • My Greatest Fear

    How to Kill a Bug in Only 30 Steps:

    1. See it on the ledge of your stairwell, jump backwards, and scream!
    2. Run as far away from it as you can.
    3. Ask your four-year-old if he will kill it.
    4. When he looks at you in horror and says no, you realize you must kill it.
    5. Breathe deeply.
    6. Say a prayer that the experience won’t be scary and that you will be unharmed.
    7. Grab the vacuum from the hall closet and run upstairs as fast as you can, veering away from where the bug was.
    8. Make sure the bug is in the same spot. It is.
    9. You plug in the vacuum, and thoughts of how the bug is just sitting there minding its own business, and that it is one of God’s creations, run through your mind.
    10. You are reminded bugs do not belong in the house, especially ones that are big and ugly, and you start to extend the vacuum hose.
    11. You realize that may not be good enough, so you run to the laundry room and grab the first spray bottle you see: Windex.

    12. You approach the bug and spray the Windex on it like a mad woman.
    13. As the blue liquid starts to roll down the wall of your stairwell, the bug slowly starts to walk away.
    14. You pick up the vacuum hose up again, trying to build courage to get close enough to the bug that the vacuum hose will suck it into its dark abyss.
    15. Meanwhile, your toddler has come up the stairs and is happily playing right near the bug of death.
    16. You scream frantically at him to get out of the way and near you. Why doesn’t he realize danger is right above his head???
    17. He looks at you like you are strange, but finally comes to you.
    18. You ask your 4-year-old one more time if he would like to come kill the bug.
    19. He fearfully says that he wants to get in his jeep and drive to Daddy so he can come home and kill it.
    20. Taking that as a no, you tell yourself that you have to do this. You can do this.
    21. You spray more Windex for good measure, and the bug slowly inches itself further away from you.
    22. You very carefully take the vacuum hose, and inch it as close as you can to the bug, still on the stair ledge.

    23. He tries to flap his (he has wings?), and you are glad the Windex has weighed him down so he can’t fly away.
    24. You bravely move the hose one more inch and watch the bug disappear into the black hole.
    25. You scream and turn off the vacuum, watching the hose fall to the ground.
    26. You ask yourself, is the bug really gone? What if he comes out the other end?
    27. After a quick scan, you realize that it is really gone, and slowly put everything away.
    28. You clean up the Windex from the ledge, wall, and carpet, because in your panic attack, you accidentally spilled some on the stairs.
    29. You look one more time to make sure the bug is gone.

    30. You reassure your 4-year-old and yourself that the bug really is gone and it is safe in your home once again. Your toddler continues to play happily as if this traumatizing experience never happened.

    So, there you have it: a mere 30 steps to killing a really ugly, brown, flying, and large bug.

    I realized these steps this morning before going downstairs for breakfast. I am not exaggerating the steps I took. I am really that scared of huge bugs in my home.

    I think my fear came from my dad chasing me with dead bugs when I was a kid. I used to hide in the bathroom with the door locked until he gave up. He still occasionally tries to do the same thing, but now I just get angry and yell at him, and then run away.

    Yes, I am a little crazy, in case you couldn’t tell before.

    As I was pondering these moments later, I realized firstly, that I am a little over-dramatic, but secondly, that there are way scarier things that I could actively fear.

    In general, though, despite the increasing violence, decreasing morals, more intolerance in the name of tolerance, and a push to remove God from our nation, I do not live my life in fear.

    I attribute that to my faith in Jesus Christ and my relationship with Him and my Heavenly Father. Because of this faith that I have, I do my best to keep God’s commandments, fulfill my roles as a woman, mother, wife, sister, teacher and friend as best I can, and strive to make my home a holy place. Because I do that, in partnership with my husband, God is my partner too.

    I have the Holy Spirit abundantly in my life helping me see truth, recognize falsehoods, remind me of what spiritual knowledge I have, and help me look at the eternal perspective. This life will be full of experiences that will test my faith, and that of my husband and children, and bring hurt and suffering to us. As long as we keep God first in our family, we will be able to endure those things and come out of them better people. We will also be able to withstand the temptations and deceitfulness of Satan.

    Will my fear of bugs ever go away? I am thinking it may not, but that is okay. Bugs are a part of life, and I can’t completely control their presence in my home. But, I can control the presence of many other things in my home that could either strengthen or dampen faith, bring the Spirit or drive it away.

    My realization of this control, and the implementation of it in my home, is what makes something simple like bugs my greatest fear. I’ll take it.

  • A Blissful Anniversary!


    Today is a very special day. It is the one year anniversary of my first blog post. As I looked over my 47 posts from this past year, some were short, some were long, some were very long, and some were even longer than that. 

    Some tell many personal stories from my life. Some contain my fervent testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Some are funny, some are serious, but all have me in them. 

    Not every post had a lot of readers, but all of them came from my heart, and all are special to me. 

    I had liked the idea of starting a blog for a long time, but never had the real gumption to take that step. Then there was one day when I had all these ideas and messages flow into me that I knew I had to share. They were about the trials of parenthood, but how they really made you a better person. 

    I knew that I needed to start my blog then. I thought for a long time about a name. I prayed for guidance. The words to the LDS hymn “Love at Home” came to my mind. One phrase in the song is “making life a bliss complete when there’s love at home.”

    That was it. That was my title, and that was my purpose. To describe my blog, I chose this phrase: My heartfelt thoughts and feelings about home, family, love, faith, and personal growth.

    I have remained true to this description.

    I realize that because my purpose is to help myself and others see that God is there, He loves us, and that He has given us this wonderful life on earth to learn, grow and become more like Him, I may not get the most readers. Though I know that we all can benefit from knowing that life really can be a bliss complete when we are kind, compassionate, forgiving and humble, not everyone wants to read about that. 

    I won’t lie to you, it hurts when I put my heart and soul into a post, and I get maybe a handful of likes, one share, and a couple comments. I want to uplift and help people, and hearing from my readers helps me know I am accomplishing that goal.

    When my readers share my posts, I can reach more people. This may sound prideful, and maybe it is if I focus on what people think of me, or how I compare to others. However, I truly feel from the bottom of my heart that Heavenly Father wants me to be His witness and a witness of His Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, through my writings. The Holy Ghost has put words into my mind and through my fingertips so many times.

    I believe I was given my writing talent to share the gospel of Christ, to help others learn from my mistakes, and even to help preserve my family history. 

    No matter how discouraged I may get about not having much feedback on my posts, I have never felt that I should stop writing. I will write as long as I feel called to do so. Thank you to those of you who do express your appreciation for my words. It means the world to me. There is nothing kinder you could do for me than that. 

    In honor of my first year of blogging, I have come up with some superlatives. I hope you enjoy them, and take some time to read some of these posts if you haven’t already. 

    The Inspiration to Begin


    Parenthood: Change for the harder but truly for the better

    This posts contains the messages that inspired me to begin my blog. It was my second blog post because it took me so long to write and perfect. 

    The First 


    Sabbath Day Light: Forgiveness

    There was a message at church that Sunday that helped me lift a heavy burden from my life. That was when I decided to start my Sunday series: Sabbath Day Light. These posts meant so much to me spiritually, but as a new blogger, I decided to stop doing them because of the lack of interest. My testimony remains, however, that attending church truly does nourish your soul and enlighten your mind.

    The Most Popular


    The Monster and the Miracle


    This post has had the highest number of reads, and probably the most comments. I agonized over the title, and based on the number of reads, I think it was a winner. If you haven’t read it, this is a story about my husband and a parasite that had grown for 10 years in his body, threatening his life and claiming the vast majority of his liver. 

    The Least Popular


    Sabbath Day Light: A Promise to Receive Answers

    Why would I add this one, you ask? Well, because I still think it was a very uplifting post, and is very relevant to the first weekend in April, just a little over a week away. Check it out!

    The Longest


    To Cleave or Not to Cleave? There is No Question!

    I have many long posts, but there are only a few in the very long category. This one is my longest, with 15 pages, 4575 words, 19,854 characters without spaces, and 24, 312 characters with spaces.

    That post took me countless afternoons to write. I am really proud of it, though, and I really think that couples who study and contemplate these gospel-centered suggestions on how to cleave to each other, will find a benefit to their marriages. I know that because as I researched and wrote it, I found ways to strengthen my marriage. 

    The Most Researched


    You Aren’t Weird but Your Beliefs Are Part 2: Why Are There So Many Churches?


    I spent so many hours researching the beliefs, practices and doctrines of the different Christian churches. It was really interesting, and helped me illustrate why I believe there must be absolute Truth.

    The Cutest

    Meet Charlotte

    There are a lot of pictures of a puppy with cute kids…need I say more?

    The Most Fun

    Sabbath Day Light: A Perfectly Imperfect Father’s Day

    I had a lot of fun writing this one. Last Father’s Day was so different than what we are normally used to, but we made it special and fun anyway. We will never forget it. 

    The Most Tear-Inducing


    Reminiscing about a Miracle

    I actually wrote the birth story of my beloved Kamren before I started blogging, so on his first birthday, I posted that story on my blog. The story surrounding my youngest son’s birth is truly a miracle, and may make you cry – in a good way.

    The Most Influential

    Are Mormons Christians: A Question that can only be answered by a Mormon

    I put this one as the most influential because I originally published this on a fellow neighbor’s blog. It sparked many questions about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I was able to answer. I have also found many opportunities to share this blog post with others of and not of my faith, and have received feedback that it helped their perspectives, or that they would like to share it with more people who they think could learn from it. 

    The Most Eye-Opening

    Let’s do what we can

    Doing a little service for the less fortunate opened my eyes to how fortunate I really am, and I need to stop complaining.

    The Most Picturesque


    My Favorite Love Story

    This post, that I recently wrote to honor my husband’s and my 5th wedding anniversary, has a whopping 64 pictures. They are some good ones, too! 

    The Most Helpful for Kids

    What I told my son when he asked me about bullying

    This post was inspired from a conversation I had with my son about bullying. I know that the Spirit guided me to say what I said to him, and I wanted to share it so other parents could help their children too. 

    The Most Uncomfortably Personal

    Don’t try to be hot. Try to be you.

    I put a lot of personal things in this quote about modesty (in dress, speech and behavior), that apparently made at least one friend of mine and my husband uncomfortable. I put those things in to help other women see that they, and I, are better than I used to portray myself.

    The Most Scriptural


    100 Things the Book of Mormon Has Taught Me

    I really did post 100 things I have learned from this wonderful book, which is another testament of Jesus Christ. Looking at the 100 messages, it is clear that it is a work of God, and a complement to the Bible. 

    The Most Political

    Hate Won’t Make us Great

    I wrote this post right after election day last year, when I saw an alarming lack of civility. I tried to bring the point home that our country needs more love, tolerance, and support for its leaders and its citizens.

    The Most Crucial


    Pornography: I say it. I talk about it. You should too.

    There is a very sad story in this blog post, one that illustrates the poison that pornography is to individuals, spouses, and families. But there is hope, should one take hold of it!

    The One That Means the Most to Me

    You Aren’t Weird but Your Beliefs Are Part 3: How I Know Joseph Smith Was a Prophet

    It is hard to pick a favorite out of 47 posts, but I knew without looking it would be one of my four posts from this series. The series in total I felt very strongly I needed to write. This one means the most to me because my most heartfelt testimony flows through it. The Spirit touched my heart so much as I wrote, that tears streamed down my face. There is nothing more valuable to me than my testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel. 

    The Last

    Lose. Seek. Find.

    I knew I wanted to write one more post before my 1-year anniversary of this blog. I had started one, knowing it had great stuff in it, but my fingers couldn’t bring it together like I wanted. I prayed for guidance for what to write, and this new post flowed through me without any hesitation. It hasn’t had many reads, but please read it. I know it is supposed to help someone. 

    There are so many more posts that I love because they are about my family or spiritual lessons I have learned in my life. 

    I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for giving me a gift with writing. I hope I can always be worthy of that gift. 

  • Faith is the key

    *An abridged version can be found on familyshare.com.
    As someone who has many friends and family members who have questioned their faith, whether it be in their specific religion, or God Himself, this subject of losing faith has been consistently in my mind.I am someone who loves to help. Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly am looking for ways to serve. I feel one of the most important ways to serve is by helping others in spiritual matters.

    If you are one who has lost his/her faith, let me try to help you.

    Let’s start with a simple physical analogy. When you lose a key, or your phone, or your kid’s favorite teddy bear, what do you do?

    1. You realize you have lost it and slightly panic.
    2. You look around the immediate area.
    3. If you don’t see it there, you retrace your steps.
    4. If you still can’t find it, you ask other people who may have seen it to help you find it.
    5. You look for as long as it takes because that item is essential to you.
    6. If you don’t find it after all that, you may feel defeated and sad. Then, and only then, do you even consider replacing what it was you lost.

    Guess what? These same steps can be used for when you lose your testimony of one or all aspects of your faith.

    First, you will realize that something is missing. You don’t feel that fire like you used to. You find you have doubts, a lot of them. You wonder if you ever really knew God was real, or that Jesus is your Savior, or if certain books of scripture are true.

    There are many options you can choose as you realize you have lost your faith, but the best option, the only option that will lead you to your end goal of finding your faith, is to reflect on your life. Reflect on the blessings you have, on the goodness you see because of the faith you have lived by.

    If you can’t see that because you have been slowly detaching for a long time, you should retrace your steps, meaning look back upon your past. Think of special times that you exhibited faith, made a commitment to God, felt the Holy Spirit, felt a prayer answered. Perhaps you will want to write those things down.

    I have spoken to people who question if those special spiritual experiences of the past were a hoax. It saddens me to hear that. I think that we each have a conscience, we each have an inherent goodness, and we each have the light of Christ within us. If we felt peace and joy in those moments, it wasn’t a lie.

    Perhaps, though, you really struggle believing that what you once felt was really right. That is when you can talk to others. You can talk to friends and family who do have their faith, and who can testify to you. Most importantly, you can and should commune with your Heavenly Father. Pour out your heart to Him earnestly, sincerely, and humbly. Ask for His guidance, for His love, for His spirit to rest upon you and envelop you. Ask Him to help you remember, and to confirm to you the truth you once knew.

    You may lose heart if you try these things and nothing helps you find your faith. Be patient. Keep searching. Read your scriptures, continue to pray, fast, talk to those who help lead you back to your faith rather than push you away from it, for running away from what you lost will not help you find it. In fact, it most certainly guarantees you never will.

    I have had enough experience in my life with prayer, scripture study, and soul-searching to testify to you that this method will work if you are willing to hear God’s answer. If you already have your mind made up, you will never be able to hear His voice.

    I believe that in most cases, number 6, replacing your lost faith with something else, will not be a necessity as long as steps 1-5 are taken very seriously and sacredly. However, if you have done all of the other steps with full purpose of heart, and you still don’t find your faith, perhaps God is telling you there is more out there for you. Just remember that it is in God you must trust if you wish to find and nourish your faith once more.

    I am there for anyone who ever wishes to have conversations with me about faith. I want to help, and by so doing, I know my faith will also grow.

    Much love to all of you who are confused and unable to find your way. There is hope, and you can get the answers you seek.

  • My Favorite Love Story

    Today is Jad’s and my fifth wedding anniversary. I am so grateful to call him mine. When we were newlyweds, I wrote about our courtship. I think our story is grand. Here it is:
    Jad and Mandy met at a YSA dance in Apex, NC on April 3,
    2009. Mandy had a boyfriend at the time, but liked to go to the dances to have
    fun with friends and well, dance.  Jad
    didn’t really like going to dances, but his friends had gotten him to go a
    couple times before. He saw Mandy and was amazed at how beautiful she was. Her
    dancing also caught his attention and he knew he wanted to ask her to dance.
    They danced once that night. It was hard for Mandy to understand all that he
    said because it was loud and because he had a strong accent, but she did think
    he was cute and sweet. Jad asked Mandy for her phone number that night, but she
    said she couldn’t give it. They ended the night saying that they would
    hopefully see each other at the next dance.

    A picture of Casey and me around the time Jad and I met.

    May 1 was the next dance. Mandy had broken up with her boyfriend
    soon after the previous dance. She saw Jad as she was dancing that night, but
    he didn’t approach her for quite a while. He was pleasantly surprised when she
    remembered his name. This time Mandy paid more attention to Jad, noticing how
    good he smelled and how good-looking he was. They danced a lot that night; Jad
    asked her to dance as often as he could. He also pulled her out in the hallway
    to talk to her in the quiet and learn more about her. Mandy noticed that he
    liked to stare at her. They had a wonderful time together that night, and the
    night ended with them exchanging phone numbers.

    A few short days later, Jad and Mandy talked on the phone
    for the first time. He surprised her when he opened up quickly and told her he
    was divorced. She had been afraid to tell him about her divorce and child, but
    it was so easy to tell him. He didn’t judge her at all but told her that she
    was a wonderful person and shouldn’t be judged on her past. It was a good
    conversation. Mandy and Jad were eager to go out on their first date.

    Mandy took off work May 26 to meet Jad in Raleigh. It was a
    very exciting and fun day. They went to the Science Museum in Raleigh to see
    the Chocolate Exhibition. It was invigorating learning all about the history of
    chocolate, and the items in the gift shop were exciting and unique. Mandy got
    chocolate bubble bath and Jad got chocolate soap. They ate Chargrill for lunch
    and then went to the rose garden behind Raleigh Little Theater. 


    Jad took lots
    of pictures of Mandy with the flowers.

                       


    He thought she was beautiful.

      Mandy was flattered but embarrassed.
    She took a picture of him to make it even.
    The garden was fragrant and lovely, and helped both of them see how they liked each other.

    Then they went to the movies to see Star
    Trek. The mall was next. They looked at everything from furniture to legos.
    Then they ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Jad got Mandy to eat some of his
    dinner. This was the first time they shared a fork. Jad asked Mandy to hold his
    hand that night, and she did even though she wasn’t ready. The whole day was
    wonderful and both knew that the other was great. The night ended with a hug
    and a smile.

    Mandy and Jad continued to talk on the phone periodically.
    Jad got busy during the summer working double shifts, so they did not see each
    other at all in the summer. During that time Mandy got back together with her
    previous boyfriend when he came home on leave. She felt really bad when Jad
    emailed her about seeing her at a dance, as if he wanted to pick up where they
    had left off. She knew she had lost out on a great opportunity when he
    responded to her explanation with grace and said how he would never regret
    knowing her or spending time with her. 
    Mandy’s relationship didn’t last. She ended up telling Jad and they
    wanted to see each other again.

    September 5 was the next time they saw each other. That was
    the evening Jad met Casey. He was wonderful with Casey and Mandy loved the time
    they spent together. She learned a lot about his country’s food that day too.
    She kissed him on the cheek that night after feeling overwhelmed with how
    wonderful he was.

    The courtship continued for five months. Mandy and Jad spent
    nearly every weekend together. They took turns traveling to either Kinston or
    Hillsborough.


    Mandy knew she loved Jad October 23, the day they went to the
    state fair together.  That day she, Jad
    and Casey had such a fun time and felt like a family.  Mandy could see herself being with Jad always,
    but it took him a little longer to know.



    Mandy and Jad got to know each other’s families and spent a
    lot of time eating and doing fun activities together like going to see Phantom,



    visiting Battleship, NC and Wilmington,


    celebrating Christmas together, 
    I got custom wind chimes made for Jad. The bottom said Just like music, you soothe my soul. I love you, Jad.

    Jad got Casey a soccer ball.

    I giggled that he put From the Kitchen of Mandy and Jad. It must come true now!

    Jad drew this picture for me.
    I thought Jad’s interaction with my Nana was so adorable. If she liked him, it was even more confirmation he was wonderful.
     going to a
    formal New Year’s dance,


     bowling,


     and ice skating. 

    They had little rough patches
    along the way, but never doubted how much they cared about each other.


    After New Year’s, Mandy and Jad knew they wanted to be
    married and talked about it often. He even indicated that he had looked at
    rings. Mandy hoped every weekend that he would ask her to marry him, but for
    weeks he didn’t. She got a little upset that he was taking so long since they
    knew they wanted to be together, but he always smiled his beautiful smile and
    told her to be patient.

    February 6 was the day. It was freezing cold and snowing.
    Mandy had suggested going to Duke Gardens as they were planning what to do that
    day. They almost didn’t go because of the snow, but still went after a strong
    suggestion from Mandy’s mom. They both took their cameras in to take pictures
    of the scenery and each other.

     It was freezing, but kind of romantic. Mandy
    didn’t know this, but as they were walking, Jad was trying to find the perfect
    spot to propose. They had stood under a lovely gazebo earlier, and Jad led her
    back up there to take a different route later on. 


    Outside of the gazebo was a
    quote from Francis Bacon: God almighty first planted a garden. And
    indeed, it is the purest of human pleasures.  After reading it, Jad pulled three red roses
    from his jacket. The roses, all varying in the amount of bloom, represented the
    past, present and future or their relationship. Jad said some poetic words
    about him and Mandy and how much he loved her. At that moment, a huge crowd of
    people walked by. It was very embarrassing, so Mandy and Jad walked into the
    gazebo as they were passing by. Then Jad continued. He talked about how their
    relationship started out in a garden and implied that they were going to take their
    next major steps in a garden as well. He said many beautiful things, but did
    not get to the point quickly. It embarrassed Mandy and she shyly nodded and
    smiled, adding little interjections. He did not get on his knee when he made it
    known that he wanted to marry Mandy, but she was very willing. Then, he said
    that he also had something for her in his pocket that he’d had for about a
    month now. Jad took it out of his pocket, and got down on his knee to present
    it to Mandy. She wanted to take the ring out, but he put it on her. It was
    beautiful and Mandy was overwhelmed with happiness. She started to tear up and
    realized the wait was worth it.

    Our first picture together as an engaged couple.


    Mandy and Jad started their married life together March 6,
    2010 and were married by President Milton under the same gazebo where Jad had
    proposed exactly a month earlier.


    Though getting married at that time and that place was unexpected, Mandy and Jad were still so happy to be married and start their lives together. 

                It was a perfect day to become the Al-Bjaly family.


                                 

     
    Our little Al-Bjaly family has grown by two in the last five years, with the births of Rigel and Kamren. We have also been sealed in the temple for all eternity, put Jad through life-threatening surgery, bought our first house, seen Jad become a citizen of our great nation, gotten a dog, started a blog, put Jad in school onto a new career path, and mourned the loss of family members, including his grandmother and my aunt. 
    I am amazed that we have gone through so many trials, tests of faith, and triumphs. I love my husband and my family with all my heart, and look forward to the next five, and fifty years. 

  • My Day without Little Ones

    Last night, before bed, I felt a little broken inside, like a piece of my heart would soon be missing. I was already regretting the day to come’s arrangement where Jad would take Rigel and Kamren to Kinston with him early in the morning, and not bring them home until very late. They would play with their Teta and other members of his family while I got nearly a full day alone.

    You are probably shaking your head in disbelief. I should have been celebrating the possibilities for the following day, planning all the fun I would have and relaxing I would do.
    I guess I am just tender-hearted, because it broke my heart to strap them into their car seats and watch them drive off with Daddy at 6:45 AM. I kissed Kamren a million times, and felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. 
    When they drove off, I went back upstairs, thinking I would go back to sleep. I needed more sleep, and not having kids wake me up sounded amazing, despite it all. I couldn’t do it, though. I was too busy thinking about my babies, hoping they, and I, would be okay today. 
     So, my day without little ones started at 7AM. 
    I felt a lot of pressure on myself to have a really good plan for the day, and not waste my time, because this quite possibly could have been the only day for a very long time I would have to myself (until Casey got home from school anyway). 
    This is the day I came up with, and I am very satisfied with it,and grateful I had it:
    1. I read the second half of my book club book. I am now done, and it was very enjoyable.
    2. I lifted weights. I always love doing that. It makes me feel buff. 
    3. I ate breakfast alone, and the only mess was a dirty bowl and spoon. No crumbs, spills, or stickiness. That felt nice, I must admit. 
    4. I got ready for the day, and didn’t have to rush, though out of habit, I still went pretty quickly.
    5. I ran some errands in the pouring rain (without an umbrella because they were all with Jad): Dollar Tree to make an exchange, Walmart to buy a can opener, flowers, and a few spices, the bank to make a deposit, and the library to check out a couple movies for Casey. I joked with the librarian that this was the fastest and quietest trip to the library I had ever had. 
    6. I dropped by Loving Hands Food Pantry for the first time. I loved seeing my friend, Norie. I got a tour of the office. I got information about what their needs are relating to a food drive we want to do soon, and I made a cash donation. It felt good to do some service. 
    7. I visited an elderly sister in our church. This was the most rewarding part of my day. I had bought the flowers for her, and also brought her a card. We talked for the better part of an hour, and would have talked longer if schools hadn’t let out an hour early. She was so appreciative of my visit, and I loved hearing her stories, and also having the blessing of lifting her spirits. 
    8. I went home as fast as I could, and had to get Casey from our neighbors because I got home after he did. To redeem myself, I made cinnamon sugar popcorn, got out a box of Crush candy I had gotten at Walmart, and turned on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Casey recently read all the books, but hadn’t yet gotten to watch any of the movies. We had a great time just watching and snacking. He told me later how much he loved spending that one-on-one time with me.

    9. We quickly got ready to go to my parents’ house so I could drop Casey off and go out for the evening with my brother, Aaron, in Chapel Hill.
    10. I met Aaron, and we walked to B-Skis for dinner. He treated me, which made me feel special. Then we went to a lovely performance of Britten War Requiem. All the soloists, for whom Aaron was actually the rehearsal accompanist, were phenomenal. We had so much fun enjoying a common interest. I was amazed at how many people my brother knows on campus. He kept stopping and talking to so many people. 

    11. I picked up Casey from my parents’, got shooed out quickly, and took my tired boy home. We ate cupcakes on the way back that I had bought on a whim after the concert.
    12. I started working on this blog post.
    13. At 11 PM, Rigel walked into my room with a cute little smile on his face because he was home. We embraced, and I told him how much I missed him. Kamren was already asleep in his bed. I will look at him lovingly in his crib later.

    So, that was my day. I didn’t do nearly as much as I thought I would. I thought I was going to finish filing our taxes, catch up on church responsibilities, organize my recipes, and more. 

    I am okay with not doing everything on my list because I spent the day doing good, and spending time with people I love (did you hear Barney’s voice when I wrote that, because I did). 

    I am so glad to have my babies home, and am looking forward to the messes, smells, noise, and Barney songs that are in store for tomorrow. 

  • If couples cleave, they won’t want to leave

    An abridged version of this post can be found on familyshare.com.
    Cleave: To adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly
    But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
    For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
    And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
    What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).
    *twain means two
    I have been pondering this verse, and the many other renditions of it throughout the scriptures. This
    word, cleave, has been burned into my mind.
    When spouses cleave to each other, they become united.
    Elder Henry B. Eyring made this profound statement, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together.
    That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”
    After much studying, and pondering on my own life, here are some ways I have found to cleave to your spouse:
    Spend quality time together.
    Physically, we need to be close as husband and wife. We most likely cannot spend most of our day
    together, because of work, chores, our children’s needs and well-being,  but when we do have that time, we should make it a special time.
    For each couple, it could be different. In my marriage, I don’t count doing chores or necessary tasks as spending quality time together. Talking together about important issues or planning activities is a little better, but often times feels too business-like. The times when I feel closest to my husband are when we can put the stress of life behind us, and really relax, laugh, and enjoy each other. The love we share has time to shine through, and we are closer
    physically and emotionally.
    For example, recently we pulled out old photo albums and perused the pictures from our dating and early married life. It was so fun, and even tender, to revisit some of those beautiful memories.
    During the times we can’t be exclusively together, Jad and I still feel close as we talk to each other on the phone or text each other, letting each other know “you are in my thoughts.” When we are spending time with the kids at home or elsewhere, we still try to smile, laugh, and show affection so we feel close to each other.
    I wish I could say I was perfect in this aspect of cleaving. I am not. I have had to make a conscious effort to hold hands with my husband, or hug him and kiss him throughout the day, because by nature, I am not super affectionate or clingy.
    When we have company over (like my family), or we are at a large gathering, I often flit away to talk to my mom or chat with a friend, leaving Jad behind for sometimes extended periods. My husband has been good at telling me that he feels better if I hold his hand and stay near him on walks, or frequently come around him during large gatherings.
    This makes sense, because he should always feel he is the greatest company I could ever ask for. And he is.
    Sometimes, though, as a stay-at-home mom, I feel that I really need a break for my sanity. Occasionally I will go to a girl’s night, or book club, or church activity. It rejuvenates me, and lifts my spirits, helping me be a better wife and mother. I think it is healthy for husbands and wives to get some time away. As long as you discuss together your desires and expectations regarding time together and away, you are still cleaving to one another.
    Make your own traditions.
    It is so important to discuss what works best in your marriage and family for parenting, traditions, finances, etc. Sometimes you have to let go of traditions and ways set forth by your parents and grandparents, for though they may have been good, they may not be best for your family. Some traditions may not have been good, and also need to be left behind.
    Jad and I come from very different cultures. He is Jordanian and I am American. Americans are more likely to leave their parents and be independent. Jordanians feel strongly about taking care of their parents, and don’t think twice about living with them, even after they are married.
    When Jad and I were dating seriously, we took a walk one day and he seriously asked me if we got married, if I would consider letting his mother live with us. As you can imagine, I was strongly opposed, mostly because I felt we would need to focus on strengthening our new little family. He accepted my answer, and not long after, proposed to me.
    There has been quite a bit of tension with Jad’s family because he left behind the Greek Orthodox traditions that his family has followed for so long. He and I have decided together to raise our family in LDS traditions. We are at peace with this decision, but sometimes there can be awkwardness with members of his family who do not understand.
    Some other things we haven’t taken directly from our families are the things we do on Sundays, the shows we watch, the food we eat, the clothes we wear, what we put in our bodies, etc. We have different standards for many things.
    Jad and I discipline our kids differently than was done in my family and his family. We are harder on them in some ways and easier on them in others. Our kids are different. Our personalities are different. Our dynamics together are different.
    We have also gotten degrees and furthered our education, where many people in our families never did.
    Sometimes it can be hard to live differently than your parents taught you. It can be difficult to figure out which family traditions you will keep, which you will discard, and which you will combine. What will you make new?
    Some traditions we have held on to from our families are our love of eating big meals and socializing with our family and friends.
    Jad and I have both learned to love different sweets- for him, brownies, cookies and cakes, and for me, knafeh and baklava.
    We are great lovers of music. We help others and give of our time and excess. We are thrifty and work hard. We laugh hard and tell great stories – sometimes over and over again.
    We also embrace the Jordanian culture, and love wearing traditional clothing, eating traditional dishes, and listening to and dancing to traditional music.
    By counseling as a couple what works best for you, both of you will be satisfied with the changes that come.
    Be faithful and true to your spouse.
    “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto
    her and none else. “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after
    her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents
    not he shall be cast out” (    Doctrine and Covenants 42:22-23).
    This applies to me as much as it applies to my husband. Women and men can both be tempted to stray. I have thought a lot about how to prevent this. I don’t think any person wakes up one morning with the intent to commit adultery, nor do I think adultery is the only way to be unfaithful.
    I have created rules for myself to help me stay always faithful to my husband:
    1. I will not flirt with any other man. I won’t go to places or be a member of sites where there are men and women looking for companionship.
    2. I will not dote on how attractive another man is, even celebrities. I will not compare my husband to other men and wish he was more like them.
    3. I will not read books or magazines, watch movies or videos, or listen to music that spark sexual feelings from within. To me, it is wrong to be imagining sexual behavior that doesn’t involve me with my spouse.
    4. I will not be alone with another man, in a car or elsewhere, with the exception of church interviews.
    5. I will not confide in another man (or anybody) any problems I am having in my marriage, for that opens myself up to vulnerability. Those conversations are only meant for my husband and me.
    Some of you may think these rules are a little too strict, and some of the things I mentioned are harmless. I think that is up to the individual to determine, but for me, all of the rules above will help me avoid lustful temptation of any kind. That makes it worth it to me.
    Learn to love your differences.
    Differences can at first glance seem to be an annoyance. “Why can’t he be more like this?” “Why can’t she do that?” “It is so obvious to me that..” “It would be so much easier if he would just…”
    When differences start to annoy, it would be wise to look within. “Am I perfect? Do I do everything excellently? Am I the best parent and spouse in the world? Am I better than my spouse?”
    The answer will always be no, won’t it?
    If you look at differences in a positive way, you excitedly see that where you lack, he excels, and vice versa. You complete each other. You help each other grow. You give each other perspective.
    Jad can throw a fantastic meal together without a recipe. I need a recipe, so I am the better baker.

    He is the fun, silly, energetic, let them stay up dad. I am the organized, kiss their booboos, read them an endless amount of books, sing them songs, help them with their homework mom. We both have ideas on how best to teach and correct.

    He creates, builds, fixes, beautifies. I sing, write, speak publicly with ease.
    He would rather clean bathrooms and sweep and mop the floor. I prefer to put the toys away, wash the dishes, and do laundry.
    I help him with his grammar. He helps me remember to smile.
    Our differences are things to appreciate, to admire, and sometimes even to laugh at.
    There are some things that aren’t easy with being different, like maybe how we communicate or show affection or handle conflict. That is okay! It is a challenge, but if you talk together about your desires and needs, and go to the Lord for help, you will be blessed.
     Only speak kindly of your spouse to others.
    When you first get married, you feel blissful and complete. You see yourself as the luckiest person on earth, with the best spouse you could ever ask for.
    Then reality sets in.
    You get comfortable with each other, and faults and idiosyncrasies start to emerge. Witnessing a bad habit day after day, week after week, year after year, can be maddening.
    You start to expect more and see less as life gets busier. You start to take things for granted that you used to appreciate.
    You get less patient and less forgiving.
    Then you really want to tell your friends and family about it, so they can tell you how right you are and how wrong he is.
    This reaction is natural, but is it right? Does it help? Does it help us cleave to our spouse?
    I really try hard not to ever speak ill of my husband. It feels wrong. It fills me with feelings like bitterness, anger, and irritation. It fills me with thoughts that I am better than him, he isn’t good enough for me, I do more than he does for the family, and I don’t deserve  what he does to me. It blinds me from my own faults.
    When I hear other people talk badly about their spouses, I cringe. I wonder if the spouse knows any of this. I am someone who likes to hear all perspectives, and even then I try hard not to make a judgment. Many people, though, will hear one side of the story, and turn against someone, without knowing all the facts.
    friends talking outside opinion turning to friend
    I asked if speaking badly of your spouse helps you cleave to him. The answer is no; rather it helps you want to leave him. What is the other option, then?
    Speak kindly of him, even when it is hardest to do so.
    This isn’t lying and this isn’t bragging, but rather it is helping you refocus and remember all the wonderful things you love about your spouse.
    You shouldn’t ignore your concerns, though. Absolutely talk about them, but only to the one person who needs to hear them. Make sure those words are kind too.
    Communicate in a way to uplift, not degrade.
    To cleave to my husband, I need to speak well of him not only to others, but to him. I feel so happy and loved when my husband compliments me, shows an interest in my interests, rejoices in my accomplishments, and appreciates my hard labors on behalf of our family. He will often, in family prayer, ask Heavenly Father to bless me for all I do for the family and kids. I know he feels much closer to me when I do the same for him.
    L.Lionel Kendrick’s words ring so true: “Our communications reflect in our countenance. Therefore, we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate.”
    Speaking well of your spouse is a way to strengthen his soul. What about when disagreements and irritations come?
    Jad and I don’t have that many arguments or fights. When we do, though, it can be hurtful for the both of us.
    Our problems mostly lie with wanting to be right, wanting to win, not wanting to admit fault, but rather finding fault in the other (why do you do this to me?), and  not wanting to be the first to apologize.
    I call this cleaving to myself. This is selfishness. That is the opposite of unity.
    Sometimes our spouses do things that are hurtful. In my relationship, my husband is a good husband. He isn’t abusive. However, sometimes the way we say things can hurt. I can choose to get offended and explode and fume out every issue I have ever had with him, or I can breathe, tell him how I feel, and tell him I know he didn’t mean to hurt me.
    I don’t think my husband ever hurts me on purpose. I don’t ever want to hurt him either. However, my temper sometimes gets the better of me. I may yell, I may call names, I may curse, I may roll my eyes, I may be sarcastic…there are many other worse things one can do too.
    Does any of that help? No, it adds fuel to the fire and a simple argument can turn into a war.
    When you start to feel like steam is going to come out of your ears, it is time to take a step back, and remember that you love your spouse and you are on the same team. It can help in that moment, and help repair your marriage.
    When you do something wrong, apologize as soon as you recognize it. Don’t justify it, for “shattering a soul” through your choice of communication is never justified.
    Make the important decisions together.
    There are many ways to make decisions, and some decisions to be made are more crucial than others. However, when a decision to be made, whether big or small, affects your family’s lives and well-being, you and your spouse should discuss and make those decisions together.
    Obviously both of you will have an opinion. You could get argumentative, and push until you get your way. Or, you could come up with a compromise, which would leave each of you partly satisfied.
    There is an even better way, and that is to seek out God’s will for your family, for what seems right to you may not actually be right. Study your scriptures together. Pray, even fast, together. Leave it up to God’s will. When you receive an answer, you will both be completely satisfied because you will know it is what God wants for you, even if it wasn’t what you originally thought.
    Jad and I have had to make many important decisions in our marriage. One of the first was what we were going to do when we had our first child together, Rigel. I had been working full time for four years at a company I loved. I was making good money, with excellent benefits, great coworkers, and definite potential to move up in the company. Jad had been the co-owner and manager of a convenience store in Kinston for many years, travelling several days a week. He made less money with no benefits, and his store wasn’t in the safest area.
    Looking at it in my perspective, I kind of wanted to keep working. I felt my job would have been better for our family in the long run. I didn’t like the idea of being away from Casey and Rigel (I had absolutely hated putting Casey in
    daycare a few years before), but I would have been okay with it if Jad stayed home with them. Jad was such a fun dad, it would be great.
    Jad didn’t agree with me at all. He felt because he was the man, it was his responsibility to take care of the family. He had also put so much work into his business, he didn’t want to give it up and leave his uncle hanging.
    It was tough. We couldn’t very well compromise on that one. I had looked into working part time, but was told that wasn’t an option.
    So, we decided to fast and pray about it. It didn’t take long for us to feel very peaceful about me quitting my job and staying home to raise my sweet boys. My decision surprised some who thought of my success, but didn’t surprise others who knew of my values. It was hard to leave, very hard, but I have never once regretted the decision.
    Because Jad and I chose to take the road God wanted for us, we were happy with the difficult decision we made. And we are still so happy.
    This decision-making method has blessed our lives so many times. We also feel more spiritually united, and come closer to God each time we earnestly reach out to him.
    Live by “What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours.”
    If we really live by this, than we know we will cleave to each other rather than our material possessions. This also brings equality to the marriage.
    I am a stay at home mom. I don’t work outside the home anymore. My husband is the breadwinner. However, the money he brings home is OUR money. He never tells me I can’t spend it. He trusts me to use it as I see fit for the family.
    The only things we really consider “mine” would be our toothbrushes and clothes. We share just about everything else.
    Because we share our financial and other temporal resources, we are respectful of each other’s opinions on how best to use them. We stay on the same page on how to budget money, what we need and what we can wait on, and what we choose to keep or discard as we consolidate.
    We don’t worry so much about small purchases or purges, but we definitely discuss the bigger things together.
    This saying of what is yours is mine can apply to anything, even heartaches, accomplishments, and joys. When my husband is discouraged or sad, I am too. When I am excited about something, he is too. We won’t always feel the same way, but when we do, we still help and support each other.
    Jad getting his citizenship was as much of a joy to me as it was to him.
    Put each other first.
    When you are married, your spouse’s needs, wants, and happiness should be as important to you as your own.
    One way to do this is to learn about and support your spouse’s interests and hobbies.
    I love acting and performing. My husband always supports me when I want to be in a show or sing in the choir. He never complains either.
    Jad loves to come up with ways to landscape our yard. I give him free artistic license to create our garden, move things around, paint, and plant.
    I have tried to immerse myself in Arabic culture as much as possible, with the food, clothes, music and dancing. It is important to me because it is a part of him.
    He reads all of my blog posts and comments on them because he wants me to know he is proud of me and is uplifted by my words.
    Another way to put each other first is to do nice things for each other, like write love notes, plan a surprise, do something without being asked, show affection often, give a massage, be the one to get up and do something when you are both tired.
    If you give what you want to receive, your spouse will feel your love and want to do likewise.
    To put your spouse first, it is important to be sensitive to moods, desires, energy levels, and work load. That way, you can discern each other’s needs better.
    For example, perhaps you had planned for you and your spouse to do a particular activity that evening, but you see your spouse is really tired or overwhelmed. You willingly and graciously discuss a new plan with your spouse, without being resentful.
    Jad is really good at giving me breaks when I am really tired after a long day with the kids. Sometimes he will suggest I get out of the house for a while. If I decline the offer, he will just invite me to relax on the couch while he cleans
    up the dishes and plays with the kids.
    Sometimes, even if I haven’t seen Jad all day, I will give up time with him if he feels like he really needs to study. This way he will feel more prepared for his upcoming exam, and feel less anxiety.
    It is also important as spouses to stop what we are doing and just listen. Be interested in how your spouse’s day was. Talk about it. Offer comfort and support. Give needed hugs and kisses.
    There may be days when your spouse comes home from work or another activity, where it is really tempting to vent about how awful your day was, and how you are so upset. Instead of doing that, which can provoke guilt in your spouse, try to keep a positive attitude so that he can keep a positive outlook on the he had.
    Help each other with responsibilities. It could be tempting to say that it is his job, so I shouldn’t have to help. By getting up and helping wash dishes, or fold laundry, or organize the closet, your spouse can feel that you enjoy being
    with him regardless of what you are doing.
    If you see a need, do it rather than wait for your spouse to do it. This will be a load off of him, which will make you happy.
    By putting your spouse first, you grow together in love, and you both stay humble, and as President Spencer W.
    Kimball     promised: “. . . If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.”
    Love God above all else.
    This may seem contradictory to the concept of cleaving to your spouse. It isn’t!
    I looked up all the verses in the scriptures that use the word “cleave.” Not only does God command that we cleave to our spouse, He also commands:
    “Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good” (Romans 12:9).
    “Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him” (Deuteronomy 13:4). 
    Jacob, a prophet in the Book of Mormon adds a beautiful truth to the command to cleave unto God. He says: “…cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you.”
     
    Moroni, another prophet in the Book of Mormon, counsels us to “cleave unto charity,” which is the “pure love of Christ,” because “charity never faileth” (Moroni 7:46-47).
    Elder John A. Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue.”
    All good things come from God. For a marriage to be strong, it needs the Lord’s blessings.
    If I love God, I want to keep His commandments. More importantly, I want to be like Him. If I am like Him, I will be a kind, compassionate, forgiving, humble, gentle, righteous, giving, understanding, patient, loving spouse.
    Isn’t that what we all need to be happy? There are many desirable qualities in a spouse, but the ones that matter most are the ones that mirror the Savior.
    Loving God above all else is the journey of a lifetime. Jad and I are working hard to cleave to God. We pray to Him sincerely night and day. We study our scriptures and the words of the prophets daily. We do our best to keep Jesus’ commandments. We attend church every Sunday, and willingly do our church responsibilities. We serve others every chance we get. We love our friends and family. We teach our children to love God and keep His commandments. We attend the temple as often as we can, and we strive to keep the covenants we have made with our Father in Heaven. We share the gospel of Christ with others. When we fall short, we repent and seek forgiveness from God and each other.
    We can always do more, and as we are spiritually united, we can help each other in the pathway to perfection.  Jad and I want to live with God eternally, and we want to be together forever as husband and wife.
    President Spencer W. Kimball promised:  “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have . . . great happiness.”
    I know that Jad and I are most happy with each other when we are spiritually in tune, and living righteously.
    The Lord has commanded that husbands and wives to cleave to each other. This commandment is meant to help us be united in righteousness, providing us with the greatest joy we could ever imagine. I love my husband, and I promise to always do my best to cleave to him, from now and through all eternity. As the Lord said, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Jad is one of my greatest treasures, and I thank God for him every day.
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