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  • It’s Not Easy Being Turbulent

    I have come to enjoy personality tests more and more over the years because they help me understand more about myself and others. The one that is the most accurate one, at least for me, is created from the Myers Briggs Theory, or 16 Personalities. I am an INFJ, or Advocate, like Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela.

                    There are so many things I love about being an INFJ. As one, I am compassionate, empathetic, honest, highly principled and ethical, a deep and insightful thinker, creative and imaginative, and an authentic and genuine friend, colleague, neighbor, etc. I greatly value honesty and integrity, use my intuition and wisdom to figure out what really matters in life’s situations, and I work to fight for equity and fairness as I feel inspired to. Helping others is a huge priority for me and gives me a sense of purpose. But there are also hard things about being an INFJ. Almost my whole life I have felt different and that I don’t fit in, which is very common for this personality type. As an INFJ, I often don’t allow myself enough self-care and I don’t ask for help enough (which is why when I do, you can trust I really need it). At times I can be too much of a perfectionist, not always because I want everything to be a certain way or perfect, but often because I seriously consider how to make a situation, relationship, or process better than it is. Because I put so much care into my relationships, I often feel unappreciated when that care isn’t reciprocated. And finally, I am a very sensitive person. Because my values and ideals are so key to who I am, if I feel that I am being attacked because of them, it hurts a lot, sometimes leading to defensiveness or even anger if the treatment feels very unfounded. Most people around me are not INFJs as it is the rarest personality type, making up less than 2% of the world population. 

                    To add even more complexity, each personality type has an A or a T after it, meaning Assertive or Turbulent. Assertive people are usually more confident, don’t get as stressed out, and worry a lot less about what they will do or what they have done in the past (they don’t focus on regrets). They can sometimes be overconfident, leading them to cross lines with people, and they can sometimes be overly positive, causing them to gloss over potential problems and details. Regardless, they tend to be happy with their lives and are assured they can handle what comes at them. In contrast, Turbulent people are more perfectionistic, always wanting to improve. They often struggle with self-doubt, so they push themselves to become better. They notice little problems and try to stop them from increasing. They often feel bad when comparing themselves to others. All of this can either bog down or motivate them depending on how they handle it. They are careful and attentive and work towards positive action in the world. As you can see, there are pros and cons to being either of these.

                    I am an INFJ-T. Many of the turbulent qualities are also found in the personality traits of INFJs. It’s great to have an extra dose of wanting to make positive change in the world. It’s way less great to have an extra dose of perfectionistic tendencies, sensitivity, and self-doubt (in an INFJ’s case, due to feeling different and misunderstood).

     

                    I have been thinking a lot about myself as a person lately and what God-given attributes that help me be a light for others around me. I feel good when I think about it, but then I start to think about all my perceived flaws. I think about what often bothers me. I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me (INFJs really are a walking contradiction of sorts). I wonder if anyone really likes me, really wants to be my friend, or really believes in me. I find myself crying over this more often than I would like. It’s an inner struggle that is very difficult for me to navigate. Sometimes I feel guilty for even acknowledging my gifts, thinking it may be boasting. The other part of me really wants to share my gifts with others and make a difference, and most of the time, that’s my focus, and it brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment. But sometimes I get troubled when it seems like others don’t care about my contributions or see how much of my heart and soul I put into everything I create.

                    I know this is very personal, but I want to share this about myself to help people understand how complex individuals can be. Nobody can be put into a neat little box and figured out with a couple observations and interactions. I also want to share this to help us all think about things we criticize in others and realize that some traits are deeply rooted in someone’s natural makeup and are very difficult to abandon. Now, this doesn’t mean people are unable to improve their behaviors or expand their personalities, but their underlying personality types will remain, and we need to accept and honor that. It also bears mentioning that even with our specific personality types, we are still individuals and no two INFJ-Ts or any other personality type will be exactly the same (for example, I am much less private than other INFJs may be because I feel called to share my experiences to help others). 

                    People can tell me all day long to stop helping/caring about someone who doesn’t appreciate me, stop talking to someone who isn’t nice to me, stop caring what people think about me, be quiet and keep the peace to avoid ruffling feathers (even if someone says or does something insensitive, cruel, or dishonest), say this thing that isn’t exactly true so I can get out of something, etc. For people of other personality types, or for more Assertive people, some of these things wouldn’t be a big deal at all. As for me, in most cases, these suggestions would seem completely unnatural and inauthentic to me. There are some rare occasions when I would listen to this kind of advice (or more likely, come to that conclusion on my own), but there would have to be extenuating circumstances or a sense that I had tried everything else for me to feel comfortable or right about it.

                    I know that I am different. I am also very aware of my strengths and my weaknesses. I realize how rare some of my strengths are, as well as how deeply some of my weaknesses flow. I only wish to be the best version of myself that I can be, but I will always be who God created me to be. I can work on my weaknesses (and I do), but I also know that there are many things about me that just make me who I am. If you look at the description of an INFJ, or probably any personality type, the weaknesses are not necessarily sins. They can become so if brought to an extreme or used with bad intentions (same for strengths), but for the most part they are just ingredients that make a person into the unique creation God intended them to be. I think there is room for all personalities and that a mixture of all brings a rainbow of color and light to the world.

                    Where we as humans sometimes falter is when we try to force teal to be purple and orange to be pink. It’s the mentality of “I’m teal. Why can’t you be more teal?” When we do that, we lose sight of the beauty of other colors and become prideful, thinking our way is the best. We are all guilty of that. I mean, to be fair, some qualities are top notch qualities and are very needed in this world. But we can’t all have every quality. We need each other to balance each other out and help each other rise to our potential and be the best version of ourselves we can be. I need to remember this too.

                    The title of this post is It’s Not Easy Being Turbulent. And it’s not. I know that sensitivity in a person is looked down upon a lot, but hopefully I have shown that it’s not just someone being a baby or a sissy. It is a quality that makes up many people, and yes, it can be hard to understand by some. It can be uncomfortable or annoying at times too, but that sensitivity can also bring a lot of positive change and improvements to the world. As a Turbulent person, sometimes overly Assertive people are hard for me to handle. I know I need to focus more on what is good about being Assertive and allow those Assertive people in my life to help me balance my natural inclinations and not allow my sensitivities to elevate to an extreme. Turbulent people can also help balance out Assertive people by helping them consider other people’s feelings more and the consequences of particular actions if not carefully chosen.

    I saw this picture online while writing this post, and it definitely describes me. I love it.

                    There is no one right way to feel or to be. No matter our personality type, or the A or T behind our name, life can be beautiful, and it will always be hard. Let’s help each other have the most colorful life we can by appreciating each other for how God created us.

     

  • A 3 A.M. Prompting

    It took me far too long to fall asleep last night. My heart was heavy with many things, but I finally went to sleep, hoping and praying that Asher, our six-month-old, actually slept well.

    I found myself being suddenly awakened during the 3:00 hour. I could hear movement in my bathroom. Then a light went on, and something dropped a little too loudly.

    I knew it was Eve, my six-year-old daughter. I was barely awake, but I dashed into the bathroom to try to quiet her and find out why she was there. I could hear what I dreaded most too – the baby waking up. Eve told me that she had planned to lay out the soft sleeping pad we have and sleep in our closet the rest of the night. This didn’t surprise me at all, and though this normally was a welcomed action, this time I whispered a little too harshly and told her to go back to her room.

    Jad took our baby, Asher, who was indeed awake, so I could go back to sleep. I, of course, didn’t, because I usually can’t when I know the baby is up. Instead, I sat at the edge of the bed on the verge of tears, so, tired and feeling bad about sending Eve away.

    A few minutes later, Jad gently placed the baby back in his bassinet. That was the fastest he had ever gone back to sleep. I should have felt relieved at that point- ready to drift back off to dreamland.

    But I just lay there. I was thinking about the little girl – my little girl – who I had sent upstairs feeling unloved. I felt prompted to go to her. I hesitated, but only for a moment. I knew what I had to do.

    It wasn’t easy to go up the stairs with my sore knee that I had hurt in a fall before church the day before, and then avoid the clutter in the long hallway, but I was nonetheless drawn to Eve’s room.

    I knelt by her bed, caressed her cheek, and gave her a kiss. She opened her eyes and tearfully told me she was sorry. I apologized to her, saying I had actually been the one in the wrong.

    She explained that she had had a bad dream and that she felt safer being around us, her parents. She knew she wouldn’t have any more bad dreams if she were with us. That melted my heart. I knew all along that was probably why she had come down. We said a prayer together, asking that Heavenly Father give her peace and comfort, and restful sleep until morning.

    I told her I would stay with her until she fell back asleep. I tucked her in, stroked her hair, gave her a doll, adjusted her pillow, and just stayed next to her, holding her hand until she drifted back to sleep. At one point she told me she was okay and that I could go, because she knew I was tired, but I felt the desire to stay with my sweet girl until she was again at rest. It didn’t take long.

    I felt so much better knowing that I had mended her little broken heart. Sleep did not come easily after that, but I was so grateful when little Asher slept until after 6am. I felt that was a little blessing that came to me from Heaven because I had listened to that spiritual prompting just a few hours before.

    As I am writing this, Eve just walked into the office and gave me a hug, thanking me for coming to her last night. Then a little while later, during breakfast, she told her brothers how sweet I was to go to her and help her go back to sleep last night.

    Imagine if I hadn’t listened to that prompting?

    I decided to write about this experience because I want to remember that the Still Small Voice reached out to me and prompted me to do the right thing by my little girl. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost who helps me right my wrongs and be a better person every day.

    I’m also so grateful for my sweet Eve who is so loving, forgiving, and tender-hearted. She has so much love in her heart, and I hope to be as pure in my love as she is.

    As a parent, I need to make sure that I am always aware of what my children need from me to feel safe, happy, and thriving. I’m grateful for the lesson I learned early this morning.

  • A Mud Run to Remember

    Sometimes you sign up for something having no idea what you are really in for. That happened to me this past Saturday when I went with several members of my son, Casey’s, wrestling team, the wrestling coach and his wife, and one of their friends.

    I did look at the website to see what the Rugged Maniac was, and I did feel pumped up by the wrestling coach’s wife, thinking we would run as a mom group and have a great time in the rear doing our best. So, I went.

    I wasn’t too nervous until we got in the line about ready to start. We all stretched and did some jogging in place to warm up. And then it was finally time to start. It wasn’t so bad at first – a light jog, a very simple obstacle. But then it got harder – a lot harder.

    I found that I was the slowest out of the three of us moms. My legs were the shortest, so that did not help me with my stride or with a lot of the obstacles that seemed to be made for people with giant legs.

    The other moms were encouraging and rooted for me for the most part. They didn’t always wait for me, which made me feel extra slow, and I always was the last out of the three to do an obstacle, but I kept trucking along.

    We three muddy moms

    I am not very athletic at all, so you may be wondering, with my slowness and all, how I did. Well, I can say that I did the entire 5k and all 25 obstacles (though at times not exactly as designed – the modified version, if you will).

    Yep, I did it. I didn’t think I would. In fact, a couple times I thought I was going to die. A couple times I was about to give up. One time I even started tearing up because the other moms in my group left me behind. What helped me get through?

    It might seem strange to say, but I really felt like there were angels along my path – angels on earth. I wasn’t expecting that in a competitive, hard-core race like this that people would ever slow down to help others. But they did. They helped me.

    At one point, we had to climb up to a platform (one of the moms gave me a boost because it was really high with no steps) and then go down a fire fighter’s pole. That one was called the Pole Position. The pole was far enough away from me on the platform that I was scared to death that my legs wouldn’t reach and I would fall. The other moms in my group rooted for me. They told me I could do it, but I just didn’t feel it. I couldn’t just go back, though, since the platform had no steps. Then I heard a man’s voice who said something like, “It’s okay. You can do this. I’ll do it with you. Okay, ready? On the count of three, we jump on and slide down. One, two…” And you know what? His voice and his promise to go at the same time as me calmed me enough that I was able to accomplish the task. I was so grateful for him.

    Another time, we had to do a very difficult obstacle where we had to run and jump onto black squares on the water. They were tied together but they moved around a lot. That one was called the Frog Hop. The squares were unfortunately spread out enough that I knew I couldn’t jump from one group to the next without falling in the water. So, I just jumped in the water, hoisted myself (super gracefully) onto one of the squares, jumped into the water, and did it again. Unfortunately, the last time I jumped in the water, the water was too high for me to hoist myself out back onto dry ground. I knew I couldn’t get out. But, there was a very nice young woman who jumped back into the water and gave me a leg up. I was embarrassed, but she was more than happy to help. I can’t remember, but I think the other two moms in my group pulled my arms too. There was no way I would have gotten out without that help.  

    The absolute hardest obstacle for me was this very high angled rope ladder that you had to go up, over and down. It was called Vertigo. I was scared to death. I went a little less than halfway up, really felt like I was going to fall, and started going back down as I said, “I can’t do this.” I kept hearing voices say I could do it, and my son and his friends had finished by that point and were there to cheer me on. I wasn’t so sure, but then a lady who was at the very top said she would wait up there and talk me through my climbing. She was so kind and patient. She talked to me and smiled at me every step of the way. She told me how to get myself over to the other side and then she talked to me until I got down. I mean, what an angel!

    Coming down with my angel next to me. See how she is talking to me?
    I was mentally exhausted after getting off that rope obstacle. The next one was a relief but I was so tired I had to go slowly.

    Another thing that really helped was the fact that even though many of the obstacles freaked me out, some of them did not bother me that much or at all, like crawling under barbed wire, jumping over fire and trenches, using my strength to pull heavy objects, getting in cold, muddy water during multiple obstacles, going down very tall slides, and being in small spaces. Accomplishing those without help gave me just enough confidence to not give up and the courage to not let me fears overcome me. Interestingly, my favorite obstacle, the Fenced In, was my favorite even though it freaked a lot of people out (it did take me a minute to figure out how to get positioned right, but after that, I loved it).

    For whatever reason, I was cool with this. I remember doing this as a teenage a long time ago. Maybe that’s why.
    A little scary but also fun. And really, once you are up you have no choice but to come down!

    The stations of water (though few and far between), the encouragement and instruction from the volunteers, and the little prayers I said throughout the race, even if they were just as short as a “Please God, give me strength.” Or “Please help me through this,” also helped get me through.  I did a lot of those prayers.

    As I said before, I was the slowest person in our wrestling group. I probably needed the most help. But I did it, and I know it was because of the love and kindness of God and His children. It wasn’t me. I couldn’t have done it alone.

    The end of the last obstacle – a huge slide into cold, muddy water. Scary but exhilarating.

    We had a break after we ran to get “cleaned up” and refuel with food. Then we got to be volunteers for a while. I was at one of the obstacles with one of Casey’s friends, the Rinse and Repeat. I truly loved being able to encourage, instruct, and be a sounding board for the runners coming through. I thought about how much I had appreciated that help. It gave me a greater appreciation for the event as I saw people of all shapes, sizes, athletic abilities, and confidence. I saw so many emotions, and I realized that the Rugged Maniac experience was different for everyone. Everyone’s reasons for being there were different, but I hope everyone who participated was glad they did it.  

    All of us tired and muddy, but we did it.

    Am I glad? Well, I have endured many days of intense soreness and very ugly bruises due to participating (my soreness is just now about gone after 6 days), but I absolutely am glad that I did it. I conquered some of my fears. I realized I can do harder things than I give myself credit for. I built friendships. And most importantly, I saw the good and helpful nature of many children of God that day. And that made it worth all the bruises, mud, and soreness over and over again.

  • Helping Others Feel Their Savior’s Love

    Today, I felt a great desire to sing one of my favorite children’s hymns: “I Feel My Savior’s Love.”

    Today is December 1, and is the first day of my church’s, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints‘ annual service program called Light the World.

    This has been such a hard year for all of us. For some it has been harder than others. Today, though, I felt the Holy Ghost remind me that my Savior loves me, and I can truly feel His love all around me.

    Not everyone feels His love – not everyone knows it is there. I can help others feel His love and warmth, and one great way to do that is to lovingly participate in #LighttheWorld.

    I’m inviting everyone who needs to feel joy, hope, and love, and everyone who already feels it, to take a little time each day this month to make someone’s day a little brighter.

    Here is the calendar for Light the World, or you can just text LIGHT to 71234.

    Thank you for the light you shine already. I know God loves each of you and has high hopes and wishes for you. He knows you have God-given gifts and abilities to shine your light to the world.

    https://youtu.be/R8c9x0vlF7c

  • Savior, May I Love My Brother (And Sister)

    Sometimes we hurt. We have feelings of loneliness, frustration, confusion, embarrassment, defeat, or ostracism, all wrapped up in a bow of harsh judgments.

    It is heart-wrenching, and it leads to headaches, depression, and lots of crying.

    Sometimes the tears are from those who have been wronged, and sometimes the tears are from those who were judged harshly of doing wrong when they meant no harm.

    I have found more and more that Satan doesn’t just prey on us, tempting us to sin. No, quite often, he feeds on our emotional weaknesses, tempting us to be overly offended, unforgiving, critical, and on the other side, so downtrodden and defeated that we can’t shine our light anymore.

    The latter strategy of Satan is growing in intensity, and it is so sly and brilliant of him, seeing as how the two greatest commandments are about love – loving God, and loving each other, including ourselves:

    Mark 12:30-31: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

    And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

    Without love, there cannot be peace. Christ is the Prince of Peace. Satan wants to destroy our peace, and he is doing a good job of it, isn’t he?

    One of my favorite hymns at church is Lord, I Would Follow Thee.

    1. Savior, may I learn to love thee,

    Walk the path that thou hast shown,

    Pause to help and lift another,

    Finding strength beyond my own.

    Savior, may I learn to love thee–

    Lord, I would follow thee. 

    2. Who am I to judge another

    When I walk imperfectly?

    In the quiet heart is hidden

    Sorrow that the eye can’t see.

    Who am I to judge another?

    Lord, I would follow thee.

    3. I would be my brother’s keeper;

    I would learn the healer’s art.

    To the wounded and the weary

    I would show a gentle heart.

    I would be my brother’s keeper–

    Lord, I would follow thee.

    4. Savior, may I love my brother

    As I know thou lovest me,

    Find in thee my strength, my beacon,

    For thy servant I would be.

    Savior, may I love my brother–

    Lord, I would follow thee.

    This song is all about loving and serving our fellow brothers and sisters, and thus loving, following and serving our Lord.

    This song always brings the Spirit into my heart. It is Truth. This is how we need to be to be like Him.

    There is a reason why the Lord loves the little children so much, why He taught us to be like them. It is because they love unconditionally. That love doesn’t change when you make a mistake or when you hurt their feelings. That love is strong and constant, and they are always discerning of how you feel, wanting to make you feel better. They hug and kiss with such tenderness that you are certain that they love you – you never have to second guess. They also want to make things right when they hurt you – they don’t blame you for their wrongdoings. They genuinely want you to be pleased with them, and so they apologize and try to be better.

    We all need to be like that. It is really hard, though, because our natural selves want to be right, want justice, want others to be hurt the way we have been hurt, and don’t like apologizing or finding out truth beyond our own perspectives.

    I know this can be overcome. This is the best way to become like Christ. This is how we attain true charity for one another.

    I have a long way to go to reach this too. I certainly am not perfect. But, I do try very hard to forgive and not hold grudges, even when it would be so easy and seemingly justified to do so.  For me, the way to get through these hurts has always been to try to see them as God sees them, and as they could be, not what a snapshot of their life has shown me.

    Back to me not being perfect. It has come to my attention that recently I offended some people by something I said in church. It breaks my heart to know that, and I am genuinely and deeply sorry. I can say with full sincerity that no offense or criticism was meant. It was just me following advice that though it worked well for some audiences, apparently did not work well for the one I was in. It was an ignorant misjudgment, but there was no ill intent. Again, I am sorry, and I would be more than happy to discuss it with anyone who was offended. I can promise you that your perceptions of that one moment are not who I am. I would give anything to take that moment back, but since I can’t, I want to make it right going forward. Please allow me that second chance. I would be so grateful to you.

    There are always two or more sides to a story, and the side of the person deemed as the offender often goes overlooked. Talking directly to the person who hurt you can help so much. The worst that can happen is that  that person doesn’t apologize or take responsibility, but the best that can happen is that wounds can be healed and friendships mended and strengthened. Since most of us are trying to live good lives and be good people, my hope would be that the best would happen more often than the worst.

    I have so much love in my heart for God and for my fellow brothers and sisters. I am a very tender-hearted person though, so my hurts run very deep, sending me sometimes into a depression. It takes me time to process and heal, and realize that I can rise above and be the person God knows I am. I am not my mistakes, whether they are intentional or unintentional. I am not unloved, though I may feel that way. Even if nobody else in the whole world loved me, my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ always will. The Holy Spirit loves me too – He is the one who brings that beautiful reminder to my heart.

    If you are like me and are feeling hurt, for whatever reason, I know that love is the answer. Love can be found in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Satan wants to win – he wants to steal your joy. Don’t let him. And don’t let him tell you that others are unworthy of your love either – everybody on this earth is worthy of love, even the most difficult and unkind people of all.

    My heart reaches out in love and pleading to any I have hurt. Please forgive me. I love you and I know God loves you. I know that we can make it through and find goodness in each other.

    Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive. Let us truly be our brother’s and sister’s keeper. It will change our lives and the world.

  • A joyful but difficult year

    I remember the day I turned 22. It was only a couple months after my divorce was finalized, and a month after I had moved to North Carolina to live with my parents (along with my nearly 1-year-old son, Casey). At that point, I had been attending the LDS Singles Ward (congregation) in Chapel Hill, and had made a handful of friends. Some of them took me for ice cream that night, and I remember saying that I felt old being 22. As ridiculous as that sounds, I think I must have felt old because of all that had happened to me in my life up until that point.

    That year was one of the hardest of my life, trying to figure out who I was again, seeing where I fit in and who would accept me, and looking for the path that would lead me out of my current, difficult situation.

    I didn’t remember at that time that I was a beloved daughter of God, that He loved me no matter my circumstances, that I should be grateful for my experiences, and that I was indeed blessed. It took me a lot of time not to define myself by things I couldn’t control.

    I may have felt old at age 22, but since then, as I have aged, I haven’t concentrated on getting older, but rather, getting wiser.

    I am 33 today. Eleven years ago, I would have freaked out about turning this age. Honestly, though, these last 11 years have included some of the most important, difficult, and miraculous experiences of my life: finding an excellent job, dating and getting remarried, quitting the job I loved after having our first child together, having faith that my husband would survive a surgery that would remove a huge mass of his liver, buying our first house, bearing a son early and unexpectedly in the master bathroom at home, taking a leap of faith and taking steps for my husband to completely change careers by going back to school, and finally having our baby girl, though prematurely.

    Those are only some of the experiences I will never forget for the rest of my life that have happened in the last 11 years. I can’t express how much each of those experiences means to me. They have each strengthened my faith in Christ, and helped me remember how much God loves me, and how much His hand guides my life, and the lives of my family members.

    That being said, though, this past year has also been one of the hardest of my life. First, though, I must express how it has been one of the most joyful at the same time: I had the pleasure of planning for a baby girl to arrive in my home, and I got to deliver her, bond with her in the hospital, and then take her home and enjoy raising her. Eve has brought so much joy to our home, joy that we all truly needed. She has brought a tenderness to my boys that I didn’t realize they had.

    Why was year 32 so hard, then? Well, during pregnancy, I gained more weight than I ever have, while trying very hard not to do so. Since having Eve, I have tried to lose weight, and was successful in losing 20 pounds, only to find out I just gained nearly all of it back on vacation. It has been so hard for me to lose my baby weight, and I often feel so gross. My confidence has been low. For a while, I gained some confidence back after finding a clothing line I felt beautiful in. But then, I found myself buying way too much, and that turned into a temporary shopping addiction that I had to work really hard to overcome. Thankfully, I have.

    I also haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all this past year, not to mention I have also been busier than I have ever been in my life (hence why I never blog anymore). Having four kids is no joke, especially when you have two boys that fight all the time, and a baby girl, though precious, who wants you to hold her and give her attention all day long.

    Being busy and sleepy leads to more eating as a way to cope with stress, doesn’t it? Well, at least it does for me. I think that is why I am having such a hard time getting healthy again.

    I have been down quite a bit this year. I have never been one to be depressed. I am usually the type of person who is there cheering other people up and having a positive outlook on life. I can be that person still, but sometimes I find myself saying things I know aren’t true (like, I am the ugliest person on earth, for example) and I sometimes just cry and can’t deal with everything around me. Yes, life is hard right now.

    The good thing is, that in moments of peace and clarity, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I will eventually get healthy again, as I always do. I know that as my kids continue to get older, that they will grow out of some very frustrating stages. I know that my husband loves me (even when I irrationally think otherwise), and that he will be there for me through it all. Most of all, I know what I learned years ago, that I am a beloved daughter of God, that He loves me and wants me to have joy.

    I pray that age 33 gets a little easier, but if it doesn’t, I know the Lord will help me endure what comes. I also know that through the lessons I learn, I can help others. I try to focus on the positives as much as I can. I have my beautiful family, my husband moving up in his career, loving friends and extended family, a good home and all the necessities of life, and most importantly, the gospel of Jesus Christ.

    If any of my friends or family is struggling right now, just know that though I am also struggling, I am here for you. I am always willing to lend an ear, a hand, or an embrace.

    Here is to another year. I look forward to what it will bring, good and bad. I know I can do anything with the Lord’s help, as can you.

  • I almost yelled at my husband yesterday

    I seem to always be in a hurry. Yesterday, I had my husband’s car, so it wasn’t nearly as easy to get the baby and my three-year-old into the car. I finally got them, and myself, strapped in exactly ten minutes before we had to be at Kamren’s speech class. That’s okay – that’s perfect, I thought.

    Then, I started the car. A message mocked me: Fuel levels low. Yep, the gas gauge was on empty.

    Great, I sarcastically thought. A negative thought instantly popped into my head about how irresponsible and inconsiderate my husband was for leaving me with a car that had no gas.

    And then, just as quickly as that thought entered my mind – along with the idea of calling him and loudly complaining about it – the thought left. It just…left.  That rarely happens, I am ashamed to say, as I am often quick to judgment.

    I surprised myself as I thought of my husband’s perspective. I knew that he wouldn’t have purposely done that. I realized he probably just didn’t have time to get gas the day before, or he decided not to do it so he could be home quicker to see his beloved family.

    I thought of how thoughtful he was to take my van to get tested (since the engine light had been on for a few days). I remembered how he had taken the car seats out of the van and left them for me, and how he had pulled the car into the driveway that morning because it had been raining.

    And then I thought about myself, and how I should have been more diligent about getting ready on time, rather than cutting it so close. Then I wouldn’t have a need to feel frustrated at all, because I would have had time to get gas and still get to speech class on time.

    My husband is my partner; he is on my team. As I embraced that comforting thought, instead of calling him out for not getting gas, and thus causing a fight, I gave him my gratitude when he got home. I praised him for getting the van tested and ordering the part that it needed.

    This is such a simple, seemingly insignificant story, yet, how often to the little things cause huge rifts in marriages?

    My husband and I have had many arguments over the years that stemmed from petty things. But, I want to end that. I don’t want to do that anymore.

    Reading Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive Ourselves in Relationships, by Dr. Jason Whiting, has gotten me to see already how I need to better control my emotions, and how I need to think before I act, as well as think the best of my spouse.

    I have a lot to learn, but I am going to do my best (and keep trying over and over again) to have the best marriage possible.

    So, if you find yourself in a similar situation that I was in yesterday, ask yourself these questions:

    1. What was likely my spouse’s intention?
    2. Does my spouse love me and care for me? Would he/she do this on purpose?
    3. What does my spouse’s load look like right now?
    4. Have my actions played a role in my plight?
    5. What things can I be grateful for that my spouse does for me?

    As you reflect, you will hopefully feel more love, appreciation, and patience for your spouse.

    And don’t beat yourself up, either. I didn’t dwell on how I couldn’t get out the door faster. I am trying to come to peace with the fact that my life is very hard right now with a small baby and three other kids.

    I am doing the best I can, and so is my husband. Our best is going to look different based on our circumstances. I am going to work harder to give the benefit of the doubt, choose my battles wisely, and always remember that my spouse is my best friend, my protector, and the love of my eternity. I am complete with him by my side (because he is a good man who loves me, his family, and God), and NO fight is worth losing that completeness or that joy.