Tag: doubt

All About Baby Eve
For about 11 years I have wanted to name my first baby girl Raina after a beautiful 3-year-old girl I watched at my daycare job. Well, once I found out I was having a girl this pregnancy, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I wanted to make sure that Raina was the right name, so I went through hundreds of names as I usually do. Jad and I discussed them, and he didn’t like most of the names, not even the Arabic ones. I was shocked he had an opinion since he hadn’t had one with the boys. So, we kept looking and looking. We thought about Rose (or a name with Rose in it), a name with Belle/Bella in it, and more lovely names like Ariana, Ella, Ava, Adaline, and Alayna. Jad loved Rosalina, but I thought it was too long. We went back to Raina at one point and felt pretty good about it, until people at work started using it and Jad decided he didn’t like it. So, back to looking at the long list of maybes. My mom kept telling us names she liked, and one day she said she loved Evey. I liked it, but Jad wasn’t sure. Then we got a 4D ultrasound done for our baby girl on October 18.

As I looked at her pictures over and over, I knew she was someone special and needed a really lovely name. I thought of the most beautiful and important names of all time, and my mind went to the Bible. We had already said we liked Esther, but then Eve came to mind. I instantly loved it. Jad wasn’t so sure, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The 23rd at my mom’s house, I told her that we were strongly considering Eve. She was ecstatic. Jad still wasn’t sure, but on the way home we asked the kids if they liked the name Eve. Rigel had been wanting to call her Rose, and Casey loved Ella, but when we told them about why we wanted to name her Eve, they got really excited, and we knew she would become Eve Marie Al-Bjaly.

Let me tell you her story…

My due date for my fourth child: December 2, 2016

My actual delivery date of my fourth child: October 26, 2016 at 10:10PM.

Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born at 34 weeks 5 days gestation at UNC Hospital via induced vaginal delivery. She was a tiny 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches long.

All during my pregnancy, I had a small worry at the back of my mind that my baby girl would be born quite suddenly, just like Kamren was. His labor was around 20 minutes or so – how long would hers be?

Then there was the concern about Thanksgiving – could we have it? What if I had the baby right around then? Because of that, we decided as a family to cancel the holiday this year.

My pregnancy had been very normal the whole time, but then at my October 5 midwife appointment, I had very high blood pressure. I was told we needed to keep an eye on it, and then October 19, I had high blood pressure again. That time, I was told that I may have gestational hypertension and that I needed to go to UNC Hospital that day to get monitored. I was surprised because I have never had that problem before. I had to call Jad and ask him to leave work and get Kamren. After a quick lunch at Harris Teeter, I drove myself to UNC Hospital for the first time. I admit I was a little worried.

I thought I would be seen right away when I got to the hospital, but there were no rooms. I had to sit in the waiting room for quite some time. I was happy to have met another pregnant woman that day who I could talk to. She was there for pre-op for a c-section the next day. She was so nice, and we had a great conversation. She put me at ease. Finally, I was taken back. I honestly don’t remember much, just that I was told I do in fact have gestational hypertension and that I would be induced three weeks early. I got really no explanation of how they figured out I had that and why I had to be induced, but I just accepted it. The only silver lining to that day was I met a really nice woman named Karen who was in charge of a study for preeclamptic pregnant women – a study trying to find a blood test to figure out if a woman has preeclampsia. I got a $25 gift card before I left that day just for giving a little blood.

The following day I had to get an ultrasound at the hospital to check on the baby. She was totally healthy, which made me happy. So, I tried to prepare myself to have a baby early. Some friends told me I should question that, and I was prepared to. But then, October 25, at my appointment to plan my care leading up to the induction, my blood pressure was crazy high again.

An OBGYN came into my room, shook my hand, and basically looked at me in the eyes and told me I needed to go to Labor and Delivery right away. She didn’t clarify, and I immediately assumed I had to have an emergency induction. I cried out, “What? But she’s too tiny!”

I immediately started to cry and get really worried. She explained I would have to be monitored at the hospital, likely for 24 hours, and then a final determination would be made. I calmed down a little, and said I would need to make some phone calls and figure all this out. She told me I had to stay in the office (a monitored location) to make those arrangements, and then I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

The phone call I made to Jad wasn’t easy. I told him I needed him to leave work early and take care of the kids – that I may not be coming home that day – that I may be having a baby. My voice was quiet and weak, and Jad was worried. He talked to his boss, and then left work to take over with the kids for me.

I walked slowly to the car, shaken up. Could I even get myself there? As I sat down in the drivers’ seat, I burst into tears and sobbed. I prayed and I probably hyperventilated a little. The unknown had never been scarier.

This time when I checked myself into the hospital, they had a triage room ready for me. I got into a gown, and was hooked up to the blood pressure machine. As I was lying on the bed in a moment alone, the tears started streaming down my face again. I was scared and worried about my baby girl. Just when I felt the tears would never stop, a soft but steady movement started in my tummy. My baby had woken up, and it was as if she was telling me that everything would be okay. I immediately felt that she was trying to comfort me, and that I could stop crying. I know that her moving for that long period of time was just for me. The thought occurred to me that she was acting as if she were my mother. Mothers comfort, and she was doing that for me. At that moment, her name was confirmed to me: her name really would be Eve.

I had to get back to reality as nurses came in and out. My blood pressure was taken over and over. I was in that room for hours, and had nothing to do but flip the channels. I hadn’t eaten at all since 7:30AM, and got really hungry. Jad came to see me, and I finally got food after he left again.

My blood pressure wasn’t going down, so they decided I needed to stay in the hospital overnight. I was to start a 24-hour urine collection. I would give blood a few times, and my blood pressure would continue to be taken. I would also be given a steroid shot that day and the following day to help my baby’s lungs develop should I need to deliver her. I had to start making arrangements for my kids. Jad came to me that evening and brought me an overnight bag. After a little visit, I found company with the cast of Into the Woods on the TV.

The next day, as my pee bucket got fuller, and my blood pressure stayed high, I could feel it in my heart that I wasn’t going to be sent home. What would it help to send me home? My blood pressure would still be high, and who knows what could happen? What if I developed preeclampsia?

I finally just confronted the issue with the nurses. I was up front and said I wanted to know the truth. They said they would ask for me, and they agreed with my logic. Well, not a few minutes later, an OBGYN came to speak with me to address that very thing. She basically told me that it was time for me to have a baby. She said I did in fact have preeclampsia, even though I had no other symptoms, and that it is safer for the baby to be born than remain in the womb with a placenta not doing its job.

When she said that, I felt a little nervousness, but overall peace. I asked how much time I had to make phone calls and prepare. The doctor said they would start preparing a room for me, but that I had time. I called Jad and my mom. I wasn’t surprised that Jad wanted to finish a few things at work and make sure it was okay for him to leave. I gave him the job of packing some stuff for me at home, and reassured him we had some time. My mom wanted to come right away to be with me – that is just her personality, and I love her for it.

Well, she got there, and it turned out I had to wait a long time to move up to a room, even though I packed quickly and was told it was going to be much quicker. I called Jad and told him about the delay, and he decided he wanted to clean out the van really well before he came to prepare for our baby girl.

Finally, I got to go to a room and change into a gown. When Jad got there, he brought me lots of bags, and even rolled in the stroller. That was kind of funny to me, as I knew that Eve would not be coming home right away.

I really don’t remember a lot about the details of my labor. There was no clock in the room, oddly enough, so I don’t know when I was induced or how long the labor was. I believe I was induced sometime between 2:30 and 3:30PM, but I am not sure.

Some details of note are that I was given my second steroid shot and given continuous doses of magnesium to prevent seizures. The nurse recommended I have an epidural due to my blood pressure. I didn’t contest, though I was a little sad thinking of how my plans for a natural birth were no longer possible. I asked for the epidural before my pain got bad (around 4PM), and when the team came in, I jokingly asked if it would hurt like crap, knowing full well how much it hurts. They said it wouldn’t hurt badly, and I was surprised, though quickly realized they were lying as they pushed and fiddled around inside my back over and over trying to find the right spot. It was excruciating, but it did work, thankfully.

My sister-in-law, Laura, surprised me by coming to visit me in the hospital. I was so grateful to have her, my mom, and Jad there with me. It was pleasant just talking together.

The labor was steady and there were no issues. We were a little impatient, though, as the hours went on. Finally, my mom and Laura left to go home to their families, not long before 8PM.

By that time I was 4 CM dilated and 50% effaced. When they finally broke my water, hardly anything came out, but I knew she would come soon. I wasn’t scared, but excited instead. I could hear the stark contrast between this labor and Kamren’s. With Kamren, I was screaming bloody murder: “My baby, my baby!” With this delivery, I was excitedly exclaiming, “My baby is coming! She’s coming!” I had such joy, and no fear, even though she was going to be a premature baby.

Well, she came out after a few pushes, and after Jad cut the cord, she was put on my body for a few seconds and then taken from me to be examined. I couldn’t even see her the first time because they didn’t put her up high enough.

My first picture with Eve

https://youtu.be/ES4aT2QEkoQ

Put me back in!

Once they wiped her off, I got to hold her skin to skin for a few moments. The first thing I noticed was her long, slender fingers. I loved them, and her instantly.

Our first picture as a family

I wanted to snuggle with her forever, but she had to be taken. She did start to nuzzle my neck a little, so the crew in the room said I should try to nurse her. It was so hard. She was so small, and I was afraid of hurting her. She didn’t know how to suck, but at least we tried, and I got to hold her a little longer.

And then she was gone. I couldn’t be with her for 24 hours because I would continue to have the magnesium pumped into my body. I sent Jad after her, and he got to witness her first feeding, and adore her in the NICU.

https://youtu.be/nA8RqlRlEMQ

https://youtu.be/s406plgb244

The next day for me (Oct 27) was sleeping, attempting to express (with a nurse’s help) and pump, and trying to catch up on text messages and Facebook comments from friends. It was so hard to function because of the magnesium. I would get small spurts of energy throughout the day, and then suddenly feel nearly dead with exhaustion. I looked forward all day and night to get off that magnesium so I could eat, get out of that bed, and see my baby girl.

At least Jad got to visit with her. He even did a Skype call with me so I could see Eve: I couldn’t keep from crying tears of joy looking at her and talking to her peaceful, sleeping face. Oh, I can’t wait to snuggle her again.

Most of that day was very boring, but at least I got to see my beautiful sons. They were a little weirded out that I couldn’t cuddle them or get out of bed. I felt so bad, and was worried about Kamren especially, since until a day before, he had been my baby. They were so excited to meet their sister that night, though!

They took me off the magnesium about 9PM. All my tubes were removed, and I ordered a huge meal. I have never eaten faster – it had been 33 hours since I had last eaten. Standing up and moving around wasn’t so easy. My legs were literally like limp noodles. I had to have help going to the bathroom, and getting into my wheelchair. I didn’t let that stop me from seeing my baby, though. My nurse wheeled me to the NICU to see Eve before taking me to my new room.

She was so precious. The love I felt for her was indescribable. I watched her, and then held her, cuddled her, and tried to nurse her. She couldn’t nurse, so I just snuggled her some more. I didn’t want to leave her ever again, but I had to. Up to my new room I went to rest, and regain leg strength. Once I got my legs back, nothing could stop me from going to my baby as much as possible (every three hours to be exact).

On October 28 I wrote: I got to see my sweet baby a couple times late last night, once around 11 and the next time a little after 2. Both times we snuggled and tried latching/nursing. It wasn’t easy, and we tried different things so she could still eat and also be with me, and by the end of the second time, she was already latching on me as a pacifier. She cried unless she was with me. I see that as a great sign! I got a little sleep, am much steadier on my noodle feet than last night, and have the energy to get clean, eat, and spend as much time with Eve as possible today. Gosh, she is gorgeous and precious, and so full of personality.

Most of that day Eve was really sleepy and tube fed. I knew that she couldn’t go home until she was feeding via bottle or breast all the time, so that was a little disheartening. At least she was healthy otherwise with her temperature regulation and blood sugar. And I got to do a kangaroo hold with her – so special!

It was so helpful to my spirit having family visit me and Eve in the hospital those first couple days – Jad’s uncle Hani, my Nana, my sister, my mom, Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, and his wife Aundrea and their son, Landon…I really appreciated their love and gifts.

Oct 29 started out well as I got back to my girl: I took one break from sweet Eve in the middle of the night to sleep, but sleep was so hard for me. When I went down at 5, I found out she had been fussy off and on since about 12:30am. I felt bad that I had missed her and she had missed me. But, with that came a lovely session of stares, lots of kisses, and even some good nursing, once we figured it out together. Then, oh, sweet snuggles commenced. I love my girl!

Overall, that day was really hard on me. It was the day of my discharge. Let me explain with a post I wrote the next morning: I must admit that yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was supposed to be discharged, but found myself waiting in vain nearly all day into the late afternoon. I was all alone in the hospital without my family, and the only solace came when I was with my sweet baby. My family finally came to get me not long before dinner time. I got to hug them all quickly, and then Jad brought each kid down to see Eve for a few minutes, I got to take the boys to the snack room for ice cream and juice, and that was the most fun I had had all day, haha. Finally, it was time to get the car and take all of our stuff down to check out of the hospital. Imagine packing up your car with all kinds of baby stuff, and not being able to put the baby in the car with you. Imagine having spent all your time for five days in the hospital, not being able to think of anything but having and taking care of a baby, and then knowing that your future is uncertain. When I got in the car, and we headed to the Ronald McDonald House, I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same place as anyone I loved. We got there quickly, though it felt like an eternity. I had to dry my tears. Well, after paperwork and a tour, I was check into my new “home.” The boys and Jad had been eating tacos and playing while waiting for me. I could tell they were all irritable and struggling with the unknown too. The kids just wanted some normalcy and fun, like they are used to. As we drove home for me to simply pack and come right back, I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming. I am glad we had tissues, because I used so many of them. My throat, by the time we got home, felt like a cat had clawed at it. I just couldn’t function. I was so overwhelmed and sad. I needed time with my husband and kids, but barely got to spend any time with them at all. I didn’t know how much to pack to take to the RMH – how long will I be there? What will happen with Eve? Will my kids and husband be okay without me? I know that Jad has been working so hard while I have been gone since last Tuesday, and my family and friends have also stepped up graciously. When I walked into the house for that little time, I noticed how clean the house was, and how much care Jad had put into getting it ready for Eve. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been able to help at all in days, and I could tell how much my family needed me. After I packed, my boys were so sweet to say they loved me and give me hugs and kisses. Casey and Jad carefully put my stuff in the car, and Jad even had a couple falafel sandwiches ready for me to eat, since I had missed dinner. A couple kisses later, and I was on my way back to Chapel Hill. My exhaustion was strong, but I made it. Bringing everything in, and unpacking took me quite some time, but calmed me. I felt love for my husband as I saw how much food he carefully packed for me. I was happy to see a Bojangles biscuit and boberry biscuit in there. It was comforting to eat those before I went up to my room, unpacked, read my scriptures, pumped, and got a little sleep. I got up quite early to pump again and get ready to see my baby. I can’t express how inadequate I feel, but at the same time, I feel like I am being blessed with drive and energy, and hope. I am filled with love for my baby girl, and I yearn for when we can all be together. I am so grateful my baby will be okay, and that we are a family of six now. Life will be normal before we know it – for now it is just really hard. I appreciate the continued love and prayers. I really do.

I was in tears when I wrote all that. The only real joy I had was in being with my precious Eve. She got a real crib on the night of the 29^th, and just seeing her sweet face and holding her hand helped me get through the pain.

I realized later on the 30th what therapy I really needed as my husband came to visit: I cannot even tell you how therapeutic it was for Jad to come visit Eve and me today. We spent several hours together. It was our first time bonding we three. And I didn’t realize the sad fact Jad hadn’t held her since the night she was born. They are such a pair. She stayed awake for quite some time staring at her daddy.

(He would start coming to see Eve every day after that. Taking care of the kids and doing all the chores was hard on Jad, not to mention the cleaning and projects he was trying to do to prepare for our sweet girl to come home.)

Before I went to bed super late that night I wrote this:

Most cherished moments of today: spending time with Daddy

Funniest moment of the day: Eve pooping five incredibly smelly poops in about 30 minutes

Proudest moment of the day: this morning when my milk came in! It is going strong.

Warmest moment of the day (literally and figuratively): when Eve snuggled her head just under my neck, and lay content and wide awake. This was right after all her poops. She was really fussy until this time together.

October 31 was Halloween! I was feeling a little lonely that morning, when a lady came into the reference room I was sitting in, and asked if I was Eve’s mom. She then asked me if I had chosen a Halloween costume for her. I lit up and smiled broadly because I wished I had had a costume for her. This surprise made my day: Oh, how wonderful today is Halloween at the UNC NICU. I got a very special surprise for Eve this morning: the choice of a costume for her! I was so thrilled. Picking a costume and dressing her in it have been such a joy for me. She got her picture taken professionally and will be in a judging contest later today. 😀

My ballerina

But the day got even better because my mom and sister came to visit, and then Jad brought all the kids, picked me up, and we all went trick-or-treating together at Southern Village. It was a perfect neighborhood, and we all enjoyed being together as a family. You don’t fully appreciate your family unit until you can’t be together – at least that’s how I felt.

I went to being emotional again, though, as I missed a feeding with Eve by about 15 minutes. I didn’t make it back by 8PM because we had to drop by the RM House first for me to grab a few things and for us to eat a little bit of leftovers. Oh well, at least I got to snuggle with her!

November 1 was a good day. it started with Jad coming and bringing me roses!

Eve had a couple firsts today, like her first blow-out poop (super duper stinky one), and her first excellent nursing session. Progress is being made. Her nurse has no doubt she will fill out quickly, especially considering her mama’s amazing milk supply. 😉

Slender foot!

Tiny hand!

And here were the highlights of Eve’s day on November 1:
1. She got to snuggle with Daddy (but not before pooping on him!)
2. She got to spend time with each of her brothers (Casey held her for the first time/Rigel drew her a double-sided picture).
3. She got her IV taken out for good
4. She got a sponge bath and I got to help! She smells amazing.
The flower and the “awesome”

The picture was of Eve living in a house with spikes on it, surrounded by a force field so she could be safe. And I taught Rigel how to write her name.

November 2 was Eve’s one-week birthday. The morning started out wonderfully. She nursed amazingly, needing no supplemental feed. We snuggled for a long time after that.

My cousin, Lisa, came to visit me in the hospital that day, bringing me much needed newborn clothes, and we ate lunch together (which ended up being free somehow). She took lovely pictures of Eve and me.

Then Jad came to visit after Lisa went back with the kids (we were so grateful for her).

We celebrated Eve’s one-week birthday with cupcakes. Did I mention the food at UNC hospital is awesome!

I wrote down all the things about Eve as of a week old:

She loves to:
Look you in your eyes
Snuggle
Get her head rubbed
Hear your singing voice
Cross her eyes and stick out her tongue
Feel warm and bundled
Be kissed

She hates to:
Get her temperature taken
Get her diaper changed
Be poked at all
Be woken up

A comparison of Eve to Rigel and Kamren…

On November 3, Eve was really sleepy all day. I would nurse her for 10-12 minutes, and then Snoozeville for her each time.

Isn’t she gorgeous in pink?

But there was some great news that day:

Eve is gaining weight. She is 5 pounds 1 ounce today
1. We are doing less and less supplemental tube feeding, which means we are getting closer to going home.
2. Chick-Fil-A gave me my lunch free today because I had a baby in the NICU. I felt so special.
That night was also so wonderful: Jad and the boys came to visit tonight. Rigel and Kamren held baby Eve for the first time. We also got a Rainbow Bright stuffed animal from the Ronald McDonald room at UNC. There were lots of options but I had to get that one because I loved Rainbow Bright as a little girl.

https://youtu.be/kWkymAsefGY

Late that night she was finally awake, something I had yearned for all day!- I was about to take the shuttle back, but then little girl decided to be wide awake for the first time today with very squeaky hiccups. Another hour at the NICU waiting for the next shuttle it is (12:50AM)! I can’t complain…

I had lots of promising news and events on November 4: Today has been the opposite of yesterday so far. Little Eve has been very alert, and very interested in nursing. We aren’t worrying about a feed schedule anymore, but just listening to her cues. She is doing great, and as long as she has no issues, she will be going home Sunday! She passed her hearing test, is all set up with a pediatrician, and now just has to pass a car seat test. I get to room in with her at the hospital tomorrow night. I am so excited!

Here is another update from that day: I love this card Jad made for Eve. It has been a good day. I have had time with my hubby, and time with my dear cousin, who has been so helpful this week. Eve has been so alert and adorable today, and she got her feeding tube out today too! I feel so blessed in every way, even in just the days going by quickly.

feeding tube gone!

Her first smile!

As great as that day was, it ended sadly for me as I left Eve before 9PM so I could pack up at the RMH: I left Eve tonight 2-3 hours earlier than I usually do. It was so hard to leave – so hard, I got teary-eyed. I mean, are the nurses going to snuggle her enough? But, I have to start packing up and try to get some decent sleep for the first time in a week and a half. Sleep and eat well, my little love.

I was overjoyed to get to Eve the next morning, the 5^th. I can’t explain my excitement, and it was a great first meeting: This is the face of a baby girl who not only drank ridiculous amounts of milk overnight by bottle, but also just nursed strong for 35 minutes! That is like three times her average nursing time.

She also passed her car seat test last night.

And she might come home today because she is doing so well!

I left her quickly, though, to go to my baby shower. I was so excited for it. Getting out of the hospital and being around women I love was so needed. It was wonderful, from the food to the décor (mostly consisting of pictures of my precious girl) to the company to the gifts to the service project. There were tons of people there, and I was there having a fabulous time for hours. As a bonus, I got a voice mail during the shower saying that Eve could definitely come home! Yay~!

Jad picked me up with the kids to go to the hospital and get our baby girl. They went up to the Ronald McDonald floor while I got her ready to go. Ironically, it only took just a few minutes for her to get checked out, and they wanted to stay where they were because it was so fun. I had to understand the boys’ perspective, though I really just wanted to get my girl home!

I am grateful that Eve was well-taken care of at UNC Hospital. I never worried about her. She was constantly watched over by nurses and doctors, and they had her best interests in mind. I was given freedom to change her, take her temperature, help with her bath, and hold her whenever I liked. The hospital also helped make me comfortable by putting me in the Ronald McDonald House, giving me one free meal a day, providing limitless water bottles, giving me a manual breast pump, and sometimes providing a meal. It was as good of an experience as it could have been. I was thrilled to go home, but would somehow miss that special time at the hospital.

We finally got out of the hospital around 2:45 or so and ran into a lot of traffic: Even though it is a little frustrating not being able to get home as quickly as we would like, we are so blessed that our baby is healthy enough to go home.

It took forever to get to the RMH. Then I had to clean and check out, and then we had to drive home. We were so so blessed that Eve stayed asleep that whole time.

Entering my house after being gone for a week and a half felt like Heaven. We enjoyed our evening together as a family of six.

In her bassinet for the first time!

Even the night wasn’t so bad: I actually got more rest last night than I ever did when Eve was in the NICU. She woke up to eat three times, and went back to sleep. Twice she stirred a little as if to wake, but I was easily able to get her back to sleep the first time by looking at her and holding her hand, and the second time by stroking her cheek. She is so affectionate.

I won’t go through the next whole month of Eve’s life detail by detail because that would take forever, but here are some highlights and my favorite pictures of her:

Nov 6 – Our first morning at home!

Mariah got this cookie cake to celebrate her homecoming.

Nov 7 – First Dr appointment: Eve had her first pediatric doctor appointment today. Dr. Boylston said she is doing great and likely in a couple months, we won’t even be able to tell she was a preemie. We are also going to try not supplementing and see how she does! She has a weight check Thursday. Today she was up to 5 pounds 6 ounces.

Just some cute Nov 8 pics:

Eve and my doll

Eve and her unicorn

Nov 10 – Weight check – Eve had her weight check today. She is up three ounces in three days, which is perfect. At 5 pounds 9 ounces, this baby is healthy and needs no supplementation. Yay!

Nov 10 – First bathtub bath – she didn’t like it other than her hair being washed.

Nov 11 – The day I was supposed to be induced!

Cute pic from Nov 12 –

Cute pic from Nov 13 –

Nov 14 – Jad went back to work – can I handle it???

Spiky hair!

Nov 16 – I had just started nursing my baby.
The dog came into the room licking her lips but I hadn’t fed her anything.
It was quiet- too quiet.
I called for my son.
No answer, but the bathroom door promptly closed and locked.
Was it as I feared?
I unlocked the door. Yes, yes it was.
It was horrible. The smell. The mess. The pleading, yet guilty look in my son’s eyes. The squished brown substance on the floor and the wall and the toilet and his legs. The torn toilet paper everywhere.
I realized at that moment my dog was the most disgusting dog on earth and that the floor is my son’s new favorite place to poop.
Will he ever be potty trained? Will I ever let my dog kiss any of us again?

You can’t make this stuff up. This is the life of a nursing mother…

Nov 17 – loves her hair being brushed (three weeks old!).

Nov 18 – Eve’s first walk

Nov 19 – She has grown!

Nov 20 – First time at Nana and Papa’s house!

Cute pic from Nov 21 –

Nov 23 – Excellent sleep and 4 weeks old! – This beautiful girl made her parents very happy last night. She slept from just after midnight to 6:52AM without waking up at all! This was her first night sleeping through. She just drank lots of milk and went back to sleep too!

Nov 24 – Eve’s first Thanksgiving! – My house has 21 people in it right now. I am upstairs feeding Eve, and can hear talking, playing and laughter all around. I am so grateful for snuggles with my baby, my family, good food, a cozy house, and lovely weather. I am grateful for the great land I live in, for good friends, and most of all, for a loving Father in Heaven, His beloved son, and the Holy Ghost.

Nov 25 cute pic –

Nov 26 – One month old!!! – Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born one month ago today. She was born at 34 weeks five days gestation at 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches. Today we are thrilled to say that she is 7 pounds 9.6 ounces and 19 inches. That is a whole lot of growing in a month. We are so in love with her. Her favorite thing to do is eat. She also likes her hair brushed and her feet rubbed. She loves walking around and taking in the sites. She cries like a goat, squeaks like a mouse, and purrs like a kitten. She does not like to be cold or wet. Snuggles are always appreciated. And she gets like 5000 kisses a day.

My beautiful one-month old

dancing with daddy

Nov 30 – One-month Dr appointment! – She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 19 1/2 inches

Eve in my blessing gown and cape

Dec 2 – Her due date – today!

If it looks like there hasn’t been much excitement since Eve came home from the hospital, that’s because there hasn’t been. Eve and I have spent most of our time at home snuggling and nursing and watching Studio C. I am not going to be taking her anywhere public (except Dr appointments) until she is 2 months old, per doctor orders. Visits from friends and family have brought us much joy, however, and we have visitors often.

I must express my sincere gratitude for everyone who has been helping with my boys during this time, whether play dates or driving them to appointments. I am also so grateful for everyone who brought us meals when I was in the hospital and when we were first home. And how could I forget the kind women who donated clothes and other baby gear to me? Eve will be well-dressed and very warm for a long time.

Life has been quite hard, honestly. Even without much excitement, it is really hard to keep up with cleaning, projects, and just day-to-day responsibilities. Thus, our home is messier than we are used to, and our meals are pretty simple. But, we wouldn’t trade having four children for the world. Hopefully this phase won’t last too long.

You may wonder how the boys like their new sister. Each of them absolutely adores her. They love holding her, and kiss her and touch her so gently. I have never seen them so sweet. Eve brings such a special spirit to our home. Even Kamren, who had been the baby for so long, adjusted immediately to being a big brother. Sometimes Kamren and Rigel still need hugs, kisses, and snuggles, and we do our best to still oblige, but they understand sometimes we just have one arm instead of two now.

Our home also looks different. For several months, Jad and I worked hard to transform Kamren’s old room into Eve’s nursery. For the first time, we have pink in our home. We love her room!

We didn’t expect Eve to come so soon. We had some scary moments, some lonely ones, some overwhelmed ones, but also some faith-promoting ones. Would I have chosen for Eve to be born early and for her to be in the NICU for a week and a half? Maybe not, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Sometimes that plan involves adversity to make us better people, and bring us closer to Him. This experience has done just that. My prayers and yours were answered. They brought me peace, and Eve her health. Not to mention that I know that Eve and I would not have the bond we have, and will always have, without that time alone together in the hospital.

I love my baby girl more than I could ever tell you. I am honored to be her mother, and I am so excited to raise a little girl to womanhood. I hope we are best friends forever.
December 2, 2016
I Love to See the Temple

This is one of my favorite children’s hymns, and has been since I was a child in Primary at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can barely sing it without becoming emotional, and I certainly can’t hear a choir of children sing it without tears falling like a waterfall down my cheeks.

To me, the temple is the house of God. It is the holiest place on earth. I know this with all of my heart, and it isn’t just because someone told me so. But before I explain my feelings, perhaps you might like to learn more about LDS temples. Please watch these brief, beautiful videos below.

I could feel that there was something special about the temple when I was a little girl singing “I Love to See the Temple.” I could feel it even more when I went on a trip with fellow teenage girls and our leaders the weekend I turned 12 to the Washington, DC Temple. I got to stand in front of that magnificent structure, wearing a borrowed wedding dress, smiling at the thought of my future.

Washington, DC LDS Temple

I remember my first time entering the Washington, DC temple. I was 12, and it was my first trip with the youth to do baptisms and confirmations for the dead. I can still smell the chlorine from the font. I remember looking down at my white-socked feet, fingering my white jump suit, waiting in silence on the benches, while staring at that beautiful font filled with blue water, standing on the strong backs of 12 oxen. I remember the man in the white suit who spoke us and told us the significance of what we were going to do. I remember feeling the comforting and peaceful presence of the Holy Ghost as I went under the water over and over for those who have gone before, and again as I sat in a chair which strong hands on my wet head, blessing me with the gift of the Holy Ghost on behalf of those who had been waiting for His companionship for many years.

The DC Temple Visitors Center has always been a special place for me. As a youth, I remember opening a large book with pictures of all the operating temples. Each one was absolutely beautiful in its own way. My favorite at the time was the San Diego Temple. I still haven’t been there, but I hope to visit someday. It amazes me how there are so many more temples now than there were when I was a teenager.

San Diego LDS Temple

I spoke in church when I was 17 about the temple, and I knew as I spoke that the temple really was a holy place, and that I wanted to make my own covenants there and be sealed in the temple to a worthy husband for time and all eternity. As a youth, I was taught the important of staying morally clean, and being the type of person I needed to be to be worthy of a righteous young man to take me by the hand, and be united with me forever in the house of the Lord.

When I was 19 1/2 years old, I made personal covenants with my Heavenly Father, and the following day, I knelt across a sacred altar and covenanted to cleave to my new husband in righteousness. I felt that I was making a beautiful decision – the most important of my life. The Holy Ghost had confirmed to me that this man was the man I was to be with for eternity – to bear children with, and to grow closer to God with.

Sadly, our marriage did not last. I would have kept my commitment to him forever, helping him with his weaknesses and vices, but he did not feel the same. It was a heart-wrenching time of my life, especially being young with a baby less than a year old. But, I always kept my faith that eternal marriage was a true principle, and that I wanted that again – this time truly for eternity.

Several years later, I met that man. I knew after not much time that he was the one that I wanted to make those sacred covenants with in the temple. Due to unforseen circumstances, we were married civilly at first, rather than in the temple. It was heartbreaking for me, but I knew in one year we could be sealed. By the time that one year came upon us, we had a newborn son named Rigel. He was less than two months old when we were sealed in the Raleigh, NC Temple. I testify to you right now that I have never felt the presence of the Holy Ghost more strongly than I did the day Jad and I were sealed, and then our beautiful baby boy was brought in to be sealed to us. If I didn’t already have a testimony of eternal families, it was unbreakable that day. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my baby was bound to me and my husband not only for this life, but for eternity.

Raleigh LDS Temple

I have continued to have many spiritual experiences in the temple since that day more than five years ago. When I made covenants in the temple on behalf of my husband’s deceased grandmother, I felt a sure and distinct prompting that she had accepted those covenants. Jad and I both felt the Spirit so strongly when we knelt across the altar and sealed his grandmother to his grandfather, who had died many years before. I have had similar experiences with both family and strangers I have done work for.

Because of my firm belief of the sacredness and importance of temple covenants, I was insistent on attending my cousin’s, Lisa’s, temple wedding to her sweetheart, Sam, in June of this year. There were obstacles in my way from attending, but I never considered for a moment staying home. I knew that this day would be the most important and happiest day of my beloved cousin’s life. I was going to be there. And I went, with my mom and nana. It was truly a blessed experience. My love for my cousin, and my new cousin-in-law increased, as well as my testimony of the divinity of the marriage and family unit.

A little over a month ago, Jad and I drove our kids to the Raleigh Temple to see it for the first time. We felt bad that was the first time we had taken them, but we were still excited. The boys really enjoyed themselves. They could tell there was something special about that building and those grounds. The flowers and grass were perfectly manicured. The feeling there was peaceful and warm. You could see the calmness in their eyes and the happiness they felt just being there walking around. It made an impression on them, and Casey mentioned how he couldn’t wait to someday enter the temple and do baptisms for the dead.

Most recently, we had the most wonderful temple family experience of all. Over Labor Day Weekend, we made the over six-hour trip to Philadelphia with the primary reason of visiting the LDS Philadelphia Temple Open House. It wasn’t something that we planned to do well in advance, but we had friends who were going, and then we heard of more and more friends going. Jad and I then started to think, “Should we go? Can we go?”

As we thought about the possibilities, and started doing research, we both felt that it would be a wonderful and spiritual experience for our family. Our children would be able to not only see a temple, but walk inside of it. It was settled. We were going.

Jad took a day off work so we could go September 2-5. I spent more hours planning our trip than I would like to admit, from getting a hotel, to researching food and attractions, to reserving a spot at the open house, to researching some more. Finally, the day came to go. We felt the blessings of the Lord that whole weekend, from leaving the house on time, encountering nearly no traffic on the way, and having a very pleasant and beautiful drive up. We also felt the Lord’s hand financially – we would not have been able to afford that trip had we not just received a large refund after refinancing our house the month before.

That first night, we attended the Philadelphia Temple Open House. I was spiritually affected by the fact that the only place that whole day that we had really seen heavy traffic was right next to the temple. It took us over 15 minutes to approach a stoplight and then turn right to park. There were people everywhere who wanted to attend this open house – people from our church and people just curious to see it.

Philadelphia LDS Temple

The temple was beautiful, and we lit up with excitement as we saw it from our car. We couldn’t wait to enter. We started out by going inside a brand new LDS chapel across the street. We were led to a classroom with a TV and sister missionaries, who introduced the temple to us. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing as we watched the presentation that talked about the blessings that come from temples and what we do in them. I felt my testimony of temples renewed just in watching that video. Tears don’t stream down my face for no reason – I was feeling the presence of the Holy Ghost.

After the lovely video, and sincere and sweet testimonies from the missionaries, we were led to the temple. We put shoe protectors on our feet to keep the temple clean, and then we were all able to go in. I can’t begin to express to you the beauty and serenity of the temple.

You can see pictures of the Philadelphia Temple here.

Throughout the tour, we ended up climbing up four flights of gorgeous stairs. The furniture, light fixtures, and coloring was wonderful. But, there was more. As we visited rooms like the baptismal font, the bridal room, the instruction room, the sealing room, etc., we could feel peace and love everywhere. My favorite rooms were the Chapel and the Celestial Room. In the Chapel area, we sat and listened to beautiful hymns on a self-playing organ. In the Celestial Room, there was no music or speaking. The guides let us just sit and take in the atmosphere. We stared at the huge chandelier and took in the sacredness of this meditation room. There wasn’t a sound to be heard, even with children in the room.

The whole experience was unforgettable. My children were entranced. Those of you who know my children know how wild they can be, but they were completely calm and obedient in the temple. They could feel it was a special place. When we exited, I felt so blessed to have been able to bring my children to the house of the Lord for the first time.

I was also so impressed at the calming and awesome effect being in the temple had for people not of our faith. Nobody was disrespectful or visibly disturbed or confused. Every person I saw in our group, a member of my church or not, was thoughtful and completely involved in the experience. It was hard to leave the safety of the temple. I almost wanted to go back in and go through it again. I am sure many people felt that way.

After our tour, we spent quite a lot of time in the visitors center next door, and then on the roof of that building looking at the shining temple before us. Out of the whole weekend, this was the premium experience.

But our special experiences with temples weren’t over that night. Monday, the day our Philadelphia vacation ended, we visited my beloved brother in Baltimore. We loved spending a few hours with him. Then, it was time to go home. Jad and I were both surprised when my GPS took us away from I-95 and onto I-495, a different route than on the way up.

It wasn’t long before I looked up and saw a shining beacon approaching in the distance. “Jad, it’s the temple!” Our hearts were filled with indescribable excitement at the site of the Washington, DC LDS temple. I quickly checked the GPS to see how far away it was – only 4 minutes. “We have to take the kids!”

So, we did. We didn’t care that we wouldn’t get home until late. We knew that we wanted our children to see and experience this beautiful temple – the first temple I ever entered as a teenager.

We started out at the large and amazing visitors center. The kids were so happy there. At first, I was worried they would be destructive or bored, but they weren’t. We spent well over an hour there, and could have easily stayed longer.

Casey loved looking at pictures of all the temples while Kamren couldn’t stop looking at the model of the temple. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the model of the inside of the temple. I recognized the paintings and chairs, and was completely in awe.

There was a new children’s section, and Rigel didn’t want to leave. He and Kamren both absolutely loved watching videos, listening to music, and playing games. Casey enjoyed learning more about the service our church does around the world, and watching videos about the experiences of different missionaries.

We even got our family picture taken in front of a backdrop of the beautiful temple. We had a marvelous time there. But, we couldn’t stop there. We had to walk down to actually look at this perfect, gorgeous structure.

The Angel Moroni was not on the temple because he was being cleaned and repaired. That was okay. The flowers, bees, and feelings around the temple brought the very same inner peace and joy as the Philadelphia Temple.

We got in the car again to finally go home, and we all felt completely blessed to have been able to be around two glorious houses of God in one weekend. Rigel said he didn’t want to leave, and it melted my heart.

I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings of temples. I am grateful most of all that through temple ordinances, families can be united eternally. The temple will always be a holy and revered place in my home and family. I am grateful that this past weekend, my children could start building their own testimonies of the Lord’s holy house.

September 9, 2016
Wonderful

Today is my husband’s, Jad Al-Bjaly’s, 34^th birthday. He will probably tell you he is only 33 or 32. That is a joke that never gets old in our house, at least to him, haha.

Since it is his birthday, and since I have never done so before, I want to write a post that will honor him. I want the reader to get to know Jad from the inside out. I want my husband to know how wonderful I think he is, but most of all, I want him to know that he is wonderful. Sometimes I don’t think he realizes it, even when people tell him so.

Jad is from Amman, Jordan, so his first language is Arabic. When he came to the United States for the first time, he could barely speak any English. But, he immersed himself in it and learned little by little. He has continued to perfect his grammar since I met him in 2009. I hope everyone will think in their minds how difficult it is to learn another language. My husband has a strong accent and his spelling isn’t the best, but I admire him so much because he is bi-lingual. He knows two extremely difficult languages. It always makes me smile when he meets someone else on the phone or in person who speaks Arabic. They both seem to light up and become instant friends as they engage in the language of their birth.

My husband has one older brother, Tawfeeq. His father left his family when he was only seven, so he was mostly raised by his mother, Salma, with the help of his grandmother and aunts and uncles. His family was very poor. I am humbled every time he tells me about how often they bathed (or didn’t), how they had to conserve water, how they didn’t have air conditioning, how a huge amount of people lived in one small house with one bathroom and mattresses strewn all over the floor to sleep on. Sometimes Jad would even sleep under the stars on the balcony. I think having grown up with such hardship helped refine Jad into a self-reliant, giving, thankful, person who is determined to be a good father, husband, brother and son.

Jad loves the heat and the outdoors. Rock climbing, zip lining, running, playing soccer, camping (to name a few) are all loves of his. Unfortunately for him, I don’t like doing any of that, but he never complains. He has sons he will, and has experienced, these things with.

Most people that know Jad even a little, know he is a wonderful cook. Interestingly, though, he didn’t used to be. The first time he tried to make spaghetti, he didn’t realize he had to boil the noodles. He just had the dry noodles in a pot and kept adding sauce, hoping the noodles would cook. We always laugh at that story. To think that he learned how to cook mostly over the phone from his dear mother, Salma, is just amazing! Our family and friends simply love eating Jad’s cooking. He can whip anything up. He chops vegetables faster than anyone I know, and he knows just how to season anything from meat to pasta. He is so comfortable in the kitchen, and uses his talents to bless others’ lives. And he even cleans up his messes, which can be many. He can’t bake but that is okay. We make that my job, and joke at his expense about his baking capabilities (don’t worry, he laughs too).

He is not musically talented per se (we will call that my talent), but he still proudly sings in church meetings and with our children. He is wonderful at Arabic dancing, and finds so much joy in teaching our sons to do the same. Some of his favorite music is from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He is constantly listening to beautiful music while he cleans or does projects around the house.

Jad is a very hard worker. When he gets started on a project, he just keeps going for hours on end, never tiring. From landscaping, to gardening, to painting, to organizing, to building, he puts his all into it. This work ethic continues into his job and education. He is someone who wants to continue to progress throughout his life. He is currently studying for his CCNA certification. It is extremely difficult. He studies two nights a week on average (after having worked a full day at his job), and has a plan to achieve this certification by the Fall. He wants to support our family so that we have everything we need. He never stops learning. At work, his colleagues and superiors can count on him to find an answer when there isn’t one, or to volunteer for something that nobody else has ever attempted to do, like organize the server room (have you ever seen a server room? It can be scary).

He is also a very spiritual man. I am amazed at his knowledge of the gospel of Christ even after just eight years of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (I was impressed when I first met him before his 1-year mark). Today is his baptism anniversary. He is a wonderful spiritual leader in our home. Together, we make sure we study scriptures as a family, as a couple and individually daily. We pray together, do our family home evenings each week, share spiritual messages on social media often, do service as often as we can, go to the temple every month we can, and strive to set a righteous example for our children in word and in deed.

My kids have the best dad in the world. Casey is not Jad’s biological son, but he has raised him from the age of four. He loves Casey as his own, and teaches him how to be a good person.

No matter how tired Jad is after work, he will play with our kids until they get tired (which is usually never). His smile and laughter are just as precious as those of our children. He is such a fun dad in every way, and he takes his responsibility as a father incredibly seriously. He plays with them, teaches them, disciplines them, and most importantly, loves them. He gives as many kisses, provides as many snuggles, and says “I love you” as much as I do. The boys have no doubt that their daddy cherishes them. And soon, he will be able to raise his very own little girl. He is more excited about it than even I know.

Jad is also a wonderful husband. Sometimes I don’t see the big picture, and that is usually when we have quarreled in some way. Jad and I are both stubborn and sensitive. That doesn’t always work when there are feelings hurt or buttons pushed. But, I can’t imagine spending my eternity with anyone else. All the reasons above should be enough reasons, but he is so good to me. When he comes home and not everything is done, I usually am apologetic or annoyed at myself. But he always tells me that it’s okay, and gives me a kiss. He knows that I work hard every day, and he immediately offers to help me finish all that needs to be done. If I need a nap or need to get out of the house, he says, “Go ahead, honey.” He never accuses me of laziness or of making excuses. He knows that I am not that way, and he is completely understanding. He trusts me completely with our finances and with planning our weeks and months. He trusts my judgment on things. If he has concerns, he will express them, but ultimately trusts me because he knows that I make my decisions thoughtfully and prayerfully. He supports me in my endeavors, from starting (or quitting) a business to participating in a musical. We make big decisions together as a couple, and he never tries to be in charge of me or tell me what to do. He sees me as an equal partner, and we work together with God to do what is best for our family. He also does nice things for me and makes me feel special. He has made so many beautiful things for me with his hands, things I will cherish forever. He genuinely loves me, appreciates me, and thinks I am beautiful. We have also endured some scary trials and witnessed beautiful miracles together that have increased our faith.

I didn’t have to think very hard to write all this, and as I wrote from my heart, tears have streamed down my face the whole time. I am not creative like my husband, but I can write the words of my heart. He would never talk about himself the way I have just spoken about him. He is too humble and doesn’t see himself as more than ordinary. But, to me, he is extraordinary and the perfect father and husband to our family.

I love you, Jad, and I hope this birthday is your most precious yet.

July 22, 2016
God gives you who you need

As many of you know, I have three sons, ages 11, 5 and 3. Ever since getting pregnant with my fourth child, my friends and family have cheerily and optimistically expressed that they hope I have a girl this time. Usually in conversations like this, I admit that I would love to have a daughter, but that I will be happy either way.

I have tried so hard this pregnancy to leave my heart and mind open to having a fourth boy. We talk about girl and boy names, and pray for our baby to healthy and strong no matter what the gender. I also thought of a cute way to reveal the baby’s gender to Casey, who is still in Utah and will not be home to enjoy the moment with us. I took just as much care choosing the boy package as the girl package, and truly want both choices to be exciting to Casey, and to all of us.

Late last week I decided that for this week’s Family Home Evening, I wanted to discuss with my family why it is good to have a baby brother, and why it is good to have a baby sister. We did this family night on Sunday evening (July 10) just before bed.

Kamren didn’t have anything to say, but Rigel, Jad and I had a lovely conversation. Later on the phone, I also asked Casey’s opinion. Here is what we came up with.

Why it is good to have a baby brother:

Rigel – I will play with him and be sweet to him. I will want to play with him outside on the trampoline, swing on swings with him, push him on the swing, and eat with him.

Daddy – The baby will help me be a better dad, helping me be more responsible, and diligent in giving the kids responsibilities. I will want to be a better priesthood holder and example if we have another boy. I believe that if God wants us to have a boy, there is a reason. I will be motivated to lose weight to keep up with all those moving boys. The boys will have fun playing with their brother, and Kamren will have an opportunity to be a big brother to a boy.

Mommy – We will not need to go shopping for boy stuff because we have what we need. The boys will have another automatic best friend. The kids will have a lot in common and will play together well. We will have another future worthy priesthood holder in our home. I will have another boy to cuddle with me, and to motivate me to do sports. God gives us who we need, so a boy will be wonderful.

Casey – I will have someone to play with and be a friend to, who I can help learn and grow.

Why it is good to have a baby sister:

Rigel – I will play with her in my room, play outside with her, push her on the swing, and jump on trampoline with her. I will rock in the rocking chair with her, be gentle with her, and have fun with her outside with Mommy.

Daddy – I will be protective of her as her Dad. Having a girl will help me to watch what I say more. It will be a great feeling to have a girl, and will be a new experience for me. I will get to do her hair and do girl things with her, like make up games, playing with barbies, and teaching her how to sew and cook (two things I am good at).

Mommy – She is a girl so it would be nice to have another girl in the house. It would be so fun to dress a girl, and have girl stuff in the house, like dolls, ponies, princess movies and books, tea sets, etc. We will be able to do the Young Women’s program and Girls’ Camp together, and talk about girl stuff with each other. I can tell her what I know from my experiences too. Hopefully the boys will calm down a little with a sister, and be protective of her and gentle with her.

Casey – There will be someone for Mom to play with. It will be nice to learn how to have a sister, and to be gentle with her. She will be someone to play with and be a friend to.

Having this conversation really brought me peace. It was interesting to me that Casey and Rigel generally had the same reasons why having a baby brother or sister would be good. I had no doubt my boys would be happy either way. Jad and I had more complex, and differing reasons as to why having a son or daughter would be good, but we had plenty of good reasons for both.

When I found out Casey was a boy, I was overjoyed because just the idea of having a baby was amazing. With Rigel, I was surprised he was a boy because I was convinced he was a girl, but I wasn’t sad. But when I saw that little boyhood in my third ultrasound, with Kamren, I admit I was upset and had to get the pizza buffet at Pizza Hut to recuperate. That afternoon, when I told Casey that my third was a boy, he was really upset. That forced me to think of the blessing having another brother would be, and Kamren has truly been such a cherished blessing in our home.

All three of my boys are precious to me, and I can’t imagine my life without them. I truly believe that God gives us the children we are meant to raise.

I woke up this morning (July 12) excited, but nervous. On the way to UNC Hospital, I told Jad I was more nervous than I was before going on stage for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because this knowledge will help change the direction of our lives.

We got to our appointment a little early, and everything went very smoothly. It was only minutes until I was sitting in the chair, having warm goo put on my tummy.

Rigel, Kamren, Jad and I looked at the screen, and got to hear the baby’s strong heartbeat. After some measuring and looking around at vital organs, I knew the gender reveal was coming up.

I never took my eyes from the screen, and then as I saw the camera go between the legs, I heard the ultrasound tech say the word “boy.”

Confusion came over me as I looked again. I said, “I don’t see a penis,” right as she started typing “Girl” on the screen.

“It’s a girl!” I exclaimed, my voice breaking as tears started streaming down my face. She had been asking if my oldest was a boy, not telling me I was having a boy.

Jad got emotional too, staring at our baby girl in wonder. I could see his excitement as he thought of the possibilities of being the Daddy of a little girl.

We were both so happy, it was overwhelming. The rest of the ultrasound was dedicated to the health of our baby, with some cute pictures here and there. I loved how the tech talked about “her” feet and “her” stomach, helping us really live in the moment.

Rigel really enjoyed the ultrasound, and could recognize a lot of the body parts. I really think he will go into medicine someday. Kamren’s behavior consisted of moving around in boredom, and occasionally making sure I was okay (he is very protective of me.)

We had to wait for a few minutes for the tech to show the photos and information to the OBGYN on duty. While we waited, and noticed the boys acting crazy as usual, Jad talked to them about having a sister and about how they need to be gentle with her.

When the doctor came in to see us, she optimistically informed us that our baby is growing well and is healthy.

Knowing our baby is healthy is even more wonderful than knowing she is a girl. We beamed all the way out to the car.

Jad suggested that we say a prayer before leaving the hospital. I said it, and I thanked Heavenly Father with pure gratitude for the ability to have the technology to know the gender of our baby. I couldn’t control my emotions as I thanked Him whole-heartedly for the opportunity to raise a little girl. It was a sweet, Spirit-filled moment in our minivan.

We spent some more time together as a family before Jad went back to work. It was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-Fil-A, so we took the opportunity to get free breakfast.

All the while, I anxiously awaited to hear Casey’s reaction to opening package A. I finally heard from him just before 10AM. He was quite tired, having just woken up in California, but expressed his excitement over having a little sister.

I had sent him two DVDs. In the Girl package (labeled A), was a triple feature of The Swan Princess 1, 2, and 3. I thought it would be cool to send a princess movie for a girl, and a prince movie for a boy. I sent The Swan Princess specifically because one time I suggested the boys watch it and Casey said, “Do we have to watch princess movies?” My reply was that someday he may have a sister, and then he will definitely be watching plenty of them.

On the back of the DVD was a little note card for Casey to write his feelings. He wrote: I am so happy to have a sister to play and be a friend to.

After talking to Casey, I was able to message the rest of my and Jad’s family with the good news. I have loved reading their responses.

My mom said: I knew it! I am sooooo excited! Congrats my daughter!

And she did call it. She told me before that she knew it was a girl because she had had a dream about her. I must admit that last night and this morning, I had a feeling in my heart that I would be having a daughter too. I love the way the Lord speaks to us.

My cousin, Lisa’s, reaction very closely reflected my own: …Even if it was a boy I would have been ecstatic!…She’s got 3 big brothers who’ll watch over her and protect her…I am so happy and excited to get a girl cousin! I am close to tears…

I love every person in my family, and I know that having the first granddaughter on both sides, and our first daughter, will be a great blessing to all of us. My heart is full today!

July 12, 2016
Are they RIGHT about me?

Compliments are meant to lift us up and make us feel good inside. But does criticism also have a place in our lives?

Whether we realize it or not, people are constantly saying negative things about us, either to us or behind our backs. My son had a bad experience last week at recess when a boy was picking on him. He was getting in his face and telling him what an awful basketball player he was. He was mean and condescending. It hurt Casey’s feelings. When he told me about it, he said he knew what the boy said wasn’t true, but I heard a tinge of doubt in his voice.

So, how do we know if a disapproving comment made to us about our skills, talents, character, etc., is true? How do we know if we should take it to heart, or change, or give up?

I think the easiest way to know is to follow the “WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY HOW” method. I exclude small children from this method because pretty much anything they say is done without a filter, and the good, bad, even the ugly, is usually true, much to our embarrassment and dismay. (You know you are thinking of a time and nodding.)

WHO is the one making the comments about you? Is it someone who knows you well, someone who cares about you, someone who you trust, or is it someone who generally doesn’t speak to you or get along with you?

Now, sometimes the WHO is tricky, because even the people who are supposed to love and care about us the most can say things that aren’t true.

Another important thing to consider is WHO else has said these things about you? Was it just this person, or are there others? Has anyone told you the opposite, and do you trust that person? In my son’s basketball situation, two of his close friends comforted Casey by saying that they thought his basketball playing had readily improved over the year, and that he does a great job.

WHAT is the person saying? Is the person using words like always and never? Is he using words that belittle or uplift? Is he saying things that you already know or suspect are true, or things you have never thought about before?

The WHAT is also tricky, because when under extreme stress, sadness, etc., sometimes even the kindest people say hurtful things. Additionally, sometimes we are unaware of our own downfalls, weaknesses, and bad habits. Let’s keep thinking.

WHEN is the person talking to you? Is it during a fight, or is it when you are speaking calmly to each other? Knowing the WHEN can help you determine if what the person said was rational, or just based on heightened emotions.

Also, think about how many times a person has said the same thing to you. Oftentimes, especially if someone we love says something multiple times in different occasions, there is truth to it. In those cases, even though the first couple times the person said it, he may have said it calmly, don’t be surprised if that calm becomes irritation or anger.

WHERE are you when the person says these comments? Are you in public where everyone can hear, or are you in private where discretion is appropriate? Sincere compliments are often quite appropriate to be said in public settings, but criticism is normally best said in private. So, thinking of the WHERE can help you determine if the person is trying to help you or hurt you.

HOW is the person making these comments? Is he angry and irrational, or is he trying to be objective and helpful? Is he in your face and yelling, or is he calm and focused? Is he engaged in the conversation, giving you eye contact? How is his inflection? Is he frowning, smiling, scowling, laughing?

Someone who really wants to help you will act a certain way. I think you can guess how.

WHY is perhaps the hardest of all, because that is something we often have to figure out on our own, based on past interactions with a person, and based on the other questions we just discussed.

Since there are some cases when criticism is positive, and necessary for personal growth, then there must be people who offer it with the best intentions. I believe that the people who truly love us want to help us be the best we can be. So, in appropriate moments, they may gently mention opportunities for improvement.

On the other hand, someone who doesn’t care about your best interests doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings or if what he is saying is even true.

He may be saying those things because he is envious of you, because he has been treated similarly by others, because he is insecure or unhappy in his own skin, or maybe even because he has a mental illness and cannot control all he says.

I went through a time in my life when the person who was supposed to love me the most, treated me the worst. I was often called worthless and unimportant. Was it true? To him, perhaps. To me? Well, it ate at me, and even though in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t true, I couldn’t believe that someone who loved me would talk to me that way. There must have been a WHY. For this person, I believe part of it was self-inflicted shame because of harmful choices he was making and hiding from me.

I think the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE AND HOW are what help us know if what someone is saying is worth holding onto, but the WHY helps us understand, and hopefully have compassion on that person – enough compassion to forgive and move forward.

Doesn’t all this seem obvious? Yet, it isn’t. I have spoken to so many people damaged, seemingly beyond repair, because of hateful, often repeated, attacks to their character, talents, education, relationships and lifestyle. Even when they know that something shouldn’t be true, hearing it makes them doubt themselves, and fear that it could be.

If you are one of these people, know that you are doing better than you think you are, and certainly better than those who verbally abuse you.

Every person on this earth is a beloved child of God. We all have that going for us, and Christ atoned for us all. Nobody is better than anybody else. Pride is a big cause of verbal mistreatment.

Let us all try to be humble, and see our own weaknesses clearly before we point out others’. And if we do point out others’ faults, let us do it appropriately, in love and gentleness, with a true desire to bless the lives of others.

May 26, 2016
Why Everyone should be in a Musical
This past Saturday, ended a time of my life that was most precious – my time rehearsing for and performing in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with the Durham Stake of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. There is something incredibly unique about participating in a musical. The experiences you have can’t be found in their entirety in any other way.

I have loved musicals since I was 13. The first musical I ever heard was The Phantom of the Opera, in my 8^th grade Drama class. Throughout my entire adolescence, I drank in as many musicals as I could. I would sing them as loudly as I could in my room, and play them on the piano (while also singing). I felt like I could be anybody when I sang from these musicals, and as I sang, I felt I was them.

In high school, I had the pleasure of playing Hodel in Fiddler on the Roof my Sophomore Year, and then Catherine in Pippin my Senior year.

A couple years ago, I was able to perform in another musical by my Stake called Sing Down the Moon: Appalachian Wonder Tales. That was a special experience because I got to perform with my son, Casey, for the first time, and also work with people of many different ages.

Now, after this performance of Chitty, I know that my love of musicals will always run through my veins, and I want to share with you now why I think everyone should be in a musical sometime in their lives:
1. You get to go through the audition process!
You might be thinking, “Isn’t that the least exciting, and scariest part?” Actually, to me, it is a huge motivator. Once I know what show is being done, I do my research. If I don’t know what the show is about already, I find out. I listen to the music. Then, I determine which role/roles I want to be considered for. Once I do that, I very carefully choose a song and monologue to showcase how I perceive the character.

For Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I knew without a doubt I wanted to play the Baroness. I knew her role would be challenging because she has to have impeccable comedic timing, she has to be noticed at all times, and she has to be a likable character while also portraying clearly that she hates/fears children.

It took me a long time to decide what song I wanted to audition with, but I finally chose “Let’s Go to the Movies” from Annie. With this song, I could move, be a little sassy, and show the richness of my voice. A monologue wasn’t required for the auditions, but I wanted to go above and beyond. I knew easily that I wanted to portray Helga Pataki from my favorite childhood show, Hey Arnold. She is one who has a cruel exterior, but a mushy heart for her true love. She is incredibly animated, and her voice goes quite high pitched, like how I imagined the Baroness speaking.

Auditions were really fun. I loved having Casey with me for that. He chose to sing ”Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from Mary Poppins because it was a song he loved and was comfortable doing. That was perfect for him.

I was thrilled to receive a callback for the Baroness. We were given songs to practice and a couple scenes to go over. You better believe I practiced and practiced, and practiced some more. I asked my high school theater teacher, Carol Halbert, for advice, and she said to perform so that the director sees nobody else but me. I took that to heart, and erased all fear and reservations.

For example, instead of just crawling around half-heartedly during a scene where the Baroness freaks out about children coming to Vulgaria, I thought out how a small child throws a tantrum, and did that myself – kicking, screaming, and rolling around.

Everyone laughed their heads off, and I was pleased. By the same token, I also had a blast watching other people’s interpretations of the Baron, Baroness, and the Spies. Everyone was hilarious in their own ways, that it was really hard to guess who would be cast. I honestly would have been happy for anyone. I could see from that day that I was going to make some great friendships in the show.

I truly believe that the audition and call back process is a premium way for you to get your head in the game, be completely committed, and to enter the realm of the musical.
1. You can forget everything else about your life when you are at rehearsal.
There aren’t that many places you can go where you can completely focus on something else, and let the rest of the world pass you by. Theater is one avenue you can do that, because you literally are in another place, and you are portraying another person other than yourself. Even though rehearsing is very hard work, it is also relaxing in that you can leave the rest of your cares behind for a couple hours.
1. You get to wear clothes, and do your hair and makeup in a way you never would otherwise.
I am not the type of person who would wear silky pajamas with a red feathery robe, or a soft pink night gown in public. I wouldn’t wear a skin tight dress that sparkles so much, it hurts your eyes either. But, I did in the musical, and rather than cause me embarrassment, it enhanced the character of the Baroness.

And the last night I wore that gold dress, my co-Baroness even told me I looked “hot.” It sure gave me the confidence to get on stage and do the “Bombie Samba” one last time.

I have a cool story about one of my costumes. In Chitty, I played Baroness Bomburst two out of the four nights, but the other nights I played a small part called Miss Phillips. She was a cold, biting, humorless woman, who was unwilling to help Caractacus Potts in any way. I was having the hardest time finding a costume that felt right for her. Well, something told me to look around my closet one more time, and I remembered a khaki dress I had. Yeah, I don’t wear khaki, but the dress was given to me, and I always felt I shouldn’t get rid of it. Well, I felt that this was the reason – I needed it for Miss Phillips. (Ironically, nobody took a picture of me in this costume.)

I must give a special thank you to my sister, Mariah, for providing most of my big, blingy jewelry for the show. I can’t tell you how many times I got compliments on my earrings, bracelets, rings and necklaces for the show. It’s nice to have a sister who loves bling!

I felt I definitely learned some new makeup skills from this show. It is funny – when I first started putting on the makeup for dress rehearsals, I was so embarrassed about it because it was so bright, but by the time the show was over, I thought that my normal amount of makeup was too light.

I asked a friend of mine, Sarah Jarvis, to do my hair for the Baroness because she is amazing with hair. I loved spending time with her as she did this act of service for me.

The kids in the show, who played Vulgarian children, took their hair and makeup very seriously as they rubbed brown all over their faces, and teased their hair up so much that I feared they would never be able to brush it again.

Choosing your costumes, and doing your hair and makeup right for a show takes creativity and artistic talent. It is so much fun to do!
1. You have so much fun together, you form beautiful friendships and even feel like family.
My church is huge, and I definitely don’t know all the church members in my area. Some people started out being acquaintances, and ended up being close friends. Others, who I had never met, became people who I will always feel comfortable with and will smile at in the future. I got to make friends with men, women, teens, and children. I just love youth so much, and bonding with them made me feel young and relevant.

The cast really had so much fun together. One example is that while backstage before the “Bombie Samba,” all the Vulgarians would pretend to be the Baron and Baroness as they spoke and sang. It was extra funny and poignant to me because I knew that two nights of the four, they were doing that to my voice.

My greatest friendship formed from Chitty was a result of giving rides to neighbors who were in the show. Katie Ricks, who is 16, is a young lady that I now call a close friend. She and I went to many rehearsals with just the two of us, and we had such fun, and sometimes, deep conversations, about important things like boys. I am grateful for her friendship!

It was so evident to me just how much the cast had become my family on closing night. Before the show started, the cast sang “Families Can Be Together Forever,” and as tears streamed down my face, I thought of how we really were like a family, and how I would cherish these memories and experiences for the rest of my life. That whole night, I kept tearing up because I knew it was the last time we could sing “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” together, help each other with hair and makeup, or talk with our Vulgarian or British accents.

I was so grateful to members of the cast during the show that night too. My son, Casey, came down with a bad earache, and so many people helped him, either by offering medicine, consoling him, or giving him direction to lie down and let his ear drain. Because these people cared about my son, they helped him and gave him the ability to continue on and finish out the show.
1. You have to put your trust in others.
The first type of trust I am thinking of is trust in one’s safety. In the show, I had to trust a lot of people when I was the Baroness. I had to trust Christian, who played the Baron, that he wouldn’t drop me when dipping me low to the ground, or that he wouldn’t hurt me right after that as he threw me on the stage. I had to trust that when I fainted into teenage girls and rolled across all of them, that they would hold me up, and not send me crashing down. I had to then trust the Baron to catch me right after that. I had to trust people to help the Baron and I get down the stage steps safely while we were tied together.

The hardest thing for me was to trust a group of men to pick me up, as I fainted to the side, and carry me to the center of the stage. The first time I realized I had to do that, I freaked out a little, but I learned to trust them.

I also had to trust that those I acted with would work hard, learn their lines, and desire for us to do our best. I had to trust that those who gave me advice were helping me look and sound even better. Thankfully, with this fine group of people, that wasn’t hard to do at all.

One of the best pieces of advice I got had to do with the lift in the Samba, actually. Lisa, the stage manager, told me to fall to the side with one leg raised. After the men lifted me, I would then cross my other leg over. That piece of advice immediately changed everything – I was no longer afraid of the lift – in fact, I looked forward to it. I am grateful for all the advice I got from my director, the producer, and the music directors.
1. You have to be disciplined and focused.
If you have never acted, sung or danced in front of others, you may take for granted how difficult that really is. You can work for hours and weeks on a scene or song, and still not be satisfied with it. It takes repetition, analysis of scenes and characters, accepting and applying of feedback, and consistent effort to get good enough to perform. If you don’t believe it, the audience won’t. To be successful in theater, you must also stay focused on your character. No matter what happens on stage – a mistake in a line, the forgetting of a line, or even an unexpected trip or fall, you must stay in character, or else the audience will stop believing.

The last Friday I played the Baroness, the little Vulgarian children tied us up really tight in the Happy Birthday banner. They had to pull us to downstage right, and that night they pulled us too hard and the Baron and I both tumbled to the ground. We could have gasped, or laughed, or cried out in pain, but we stayed in character. What made it even harder to stay in character, was the adorable kids on stage who worriedly asked us if we were okay and extended loving arms to lift us up. Seeing as how they were playing characters who hated us, and I was playing a character who feared them, it was interesting to make that work. I accepted their help hesitantly, but out of necessity, all the while pretending like it was disgusting to have them touch me. And It wasn’t until after we got off stage that I burst out in uncontrollable laughter, and then realized my knee hurt.

Speaking of the Baron, Christian was the definition of focused and disciplined. Sometimes I almost thought he was too focused on rehearsing. He liked to take every spare moment to run a song or lines. I came to really value that quality, though. Had he not done that, I am not sure our scenes would have been as polished.

I have to tell a story of a tender mercy, too. There were times during the duration of the show that I was insanely busy and felt I was drowning. I was certainly focused and disciplined, but I just didn’t have the time to memorize all my lines by the date Taunja requested it. So, I did the best I could by memorizing only what I thought we would be rehearsing on a given night. Well, one rehearsal (the first off-book rehearsal, in fact), we were supposed to only go over the “Choochie Face” scene. I memorized that and practiced it quite a bit. But, because some other things got done more quickly than expected, Taunja wanted us to go over several other scenes. I nearly panicked. I said a little prayer, and asked Bethany if she could do the scenes before me. Well, with God’s help, I was able to memorize the lines to each scene in the few minutes while Bethany went over each one. I am not that fast of a memorizer – I know God helped me, and I believe He did because He knew my heart. He knew I was dedicated, but that I needed a little extra help. I find that is true in my life in general – when I do the best I can, God makes up the difference.
1. You learn to be humble and work as a team, rather than competitors.
No matter what, there will be someone who sees something you don’t, or has an idea you didn’t come up with, or does something better than you, or receives more praise than you. I have seen actors in the past, with lead roles, that are kind of snobby towards others because of it. They do themselves a disservice in doing so. I never felt that anyone was that way in Chitty, but rather took the opportunity to seek advice from others, and realize that alone, nobody can perform perfectly.

I was the Baroness only half the time, and spent much of my time rehearsing alongside Bethany, the other Baroness. For the first couple months of rehearsal, we didn’t work together much, though, other than with learning songs. She and I both had a different Baron. Then, one day, we started sharing our Baron, and though it was hard at first, we made it work. We didn’t get jealous of each other, and Christian was so good to both of us.

Rather than be competitive with each other, and try to prove that we were the better actress, we worked together. We helped each other, and gave each other tips. We accepted those tips graciously. It was a lovely partnership.

One example of a victory that came from us working together, was when the three of us started researching tantrum videos for toddlers. We weren’t getting the tantrum scene just right, and wanted inspiration. Well, we found a video of a kid who was hitting irrationally, and we had an Aha moment. We spent quite a while taking turns trying new ways to do our tantrum, and by the end, we felt so much better about it! It ended up being one of the most fun and hilarious scenes of the show (maybe we are biased, but my friend, Kimberly, did say she was laughing so hard, she cried, when she saw that scene).
1. You rejoice in the success of others.
I think this goes along with humility. In a musical, you can choose to only focus on yourself and how well you are doing, or you can take the time to observe others around you and appreciate their grand performances. It always meant so much to me when someone would smile at me and tell me I did a great job on a song I sang, or a tantrum I did. It really helped motivate me to continue on and do my best. I also tried to do that for the rest of my cast. I truly did admire everyone for their hard work, poise, professionalism, can-do attitudes, helping hands, and cheerful demeanors. We sure had a cast full of hilarity, awesome dance moves, and angelic singing voices.

I remember a few times while watching the show from the sidelines (either during rehearsals or performances) that I felt just how wonderful people were. Some examples were:
1. Hearing the audience cheer as they saw the tiny blimp carry Grandpa’s tiny laboratory across the sky (Lisa, our stage manager, spent many hours perfecting it, and it was perfect).
2. Watching the bamboo dancers do acrobatics I could never do, and cheerfully too!
3. Seeing our new turkey farmer for the first time do his scene, and how he did it perfectly.
4. Hearing how Anjuli perfected her accent for Violet.
5. Listening to the angelic music of “Hushabye Mountain” or “Lovely, Lonely Man.”
6. Laughing hysterically at the inventors, or at the spies as they moved across the stage.
7. Watching Bethany do the tantrum so perfectly, I laughed like I had never seen it before.
8. Hearing Taunja excitedly praise the puppies for being so adorable, and the kids for making her cry when singing “Teamwork.”
1. You understand that each and every person plays an essential part in the success of the show.
It would be a mistake to assume that the lead actors are the most important part of a musical, or that really any one group of people (cast or crew) is more important. All of us make those wheels turn, from the person who opens and closes the curtain, to the people who move the props, to the sound and light technicians, to anyone and everyone. We are all crucial to believability and enjoyability of the musical.

Someone who cannot be missed is President Hansen, who not only played an inventor in the show, but also introduced the show each night, and gave the opening prayer. On opening night, when he gave the prayer, I felt a sudden calm and peace come over me. I knew that everything would be okay. Even if I, or anyone in my beloved cast, didn’t perform everything perfectly, the audience would still love the show. Because of his prayer, and the prayers of others, we were successful each and every night of the show.

I hope nobody in Chitty every felt insignificant. I got to be on two sides of the acting spectrum, being a lead on two nights, and being ensemble, with a small speaking role, the other two nights. I may not have had as much to do on stage on my ensemble nights, but I sang my heart out on side stage, I was there for Bethany to help her change her clothes and make sure she had her props, I owned my little speaking part, and I reacted as much as possible when in the Vulgarian scenes. Were those little parts important? Of course! And every single person in the show who did anything, played an essential role.
1. You realize that the show isn’t about you.
Our director, Taunja Ingram, helped us always remember that we were doing this show for God and for the benefit of our community. Through our performance, we would be lifting others’ spirits, and helping them feel God’s love. Our performance was for God, and it was for His children. It wasn’t for our own fame or accolades, but it could nourish our souls as we nourished others. I think the show meant so much more to us because of that.

Before one of the shows we did, Taunja read this scripture, which touched us all:

But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that they performance may be for the welfare of thy soul (2 Nephi 32:9).’

It filled my heart with gladness when I saw the smiles on the faces of my family, friends, and people of the community after each show Their joy was evident and I am grateful that this cast and crew was able to bring laughter and love to each of them.
1. The music becomes a part of you forever.
This goes for the actors, crew, and the audience. My children have not stopped singing the songs since they first saw it. My son, Rigel, will sing “Me Ol’Bamboo” almost all day long.

Driving in the car to and from rehearsals and performances, Casey, Annika, Katie and I would have a blast singing the songs at the top of our lungs in our accents.

I always would light up hearing children in the cast sing “The Bombie Samba” or “Choochie Face.” They would have so much light in their eyes as they imitated these fun songs. (As a side note, the first time I heard “The Bombie Samba,” I thought it was really dumb. Now, I know it will never leave my mind and heart as long as I live).

As a cast, we would sing “Teamwork” before each performance, and then chant “Oh yes! Go Go!” It really did bring us together and pump us up for the show.
1. You get to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
I played a few characters in the show. Pulling from that, and also from past shows I have done, I have to say that I feel most satisfied with my performances when I am no longer pretending to be a character, but when I have stepped directly in that character’s shoes and become her. When I am on stage, I am not Mandy, and the actors around me are not known by their names. No, we are our characters. It makes all the difference in delivery. If you believe, the audience will believe. This is not easy to do. It takes so much preparation.

This also includes learning their accents, and finding the intonation of voice that makes the most sense for them in different situations. I got to learn the Vulgarian accent, and also use the British accent on my off nights. Zometimes I find myself speaking in Vulgarian in mein head, and it delights me because it means I haven’t completely removed her shoes from my feet.

I always like to have heart to hearts with my characters and ask them their back stories, and why they feel the way they feel. Why are they compelled to do what they are going to do, or have done? Who do they love? Who do they hate? What do they fear? What do they love and loathe about themselves? What habits do they have and why?

You can do this as a lead character or an ensemble member, and it will change you as a person as you build this empathy.
1. You are the most honest version of yourself.
Some people equate actors with being good liars. I don’t think that is true at all. I think actors are the most honest people there are. They are vulnerable and fearless. They portray emotions that others hide inside. It could be true love, irrational fears, insanity, childishness, sexy confidence, uncertainty, tenderness, utter hatred, and so much more. Actors have to find a way to dig deep inside themselves to find a memory, or a thought that will help them show the audience exactly what their character is thinking, feeling, or doing. This is hard, and it takes complete honesty.
1. You can do things on stage people would think you were crazy for in real life.
I chuckle as I think about some of the stuff I did as the Baroness. I am pretty sure if my face were that animated, my voice that high pitched, my singing notes that off, my movements that exaggerated, my vanity so apparent, that people would never talk to me or come around me again. That is one thing I absolutely love about theater. You can be completely over the top and nobody will get freaked out. Your movements, diction, and facial expressions are supposed to be more deliberate and expressive. As you learn to do this, it can be intimidating at first, but oh, how it enlivens you.

Now, I won’t do everything on stage. For example, Christian and I played husband and wife, but we knew without talking about it we wouldn’t kiss onstage because we were both happily married. We were still able to give a believable husband/wife relationship without kissing, which was a fun challenge to conquer.
1. You gain a tremendous amount of confidence.
I realized this early on in my life. I used to be so shy, and really uncomfortable in my own skin. But, once I started taking acting classes, and being challenged to do things I had never done before, I transformed. I no longer have anxiety about singing, speaking, or acting in public. I can do it. I can do humorous, tender, flirty, angry or devastated improvisations any time now because I have taught myself how to, and am not afraid to be vulnerable.

If you work hard, and really own everything you do in theater, you will overcome shyness, and you will realize that you can do anything if you believe in yourself. I love not caring about what everyone thinks about me all the time. Theater helps with that. You just are you, and that is wonderful!

The confidence also comes because if you are given a task in a show, you do it. You may be a little scared, but you take on the challenge, and practice it until you get it right. For the longest time, I was so nervous about dancing “The Bombie Samba” choreography. There was one part I didn’t get right for the longest time. A week or two before dress rehearsal, I finally got it because I kept asking for help. I didn’t give up. I also never thought I could sing and dance at the same time, but by performance time, I could do it, and I did, because I didn’t give up. I practiced and practiced, and had faith that if I was given the task, it was because I could accomplish it.

My heart lit up after my final Baroness performance when Taunja excitedly told me that she thought my Samba was perfect that night. She said I owned it, and that it was mine. The one scene that always scared me I did perfectly? I thanked God for that blessing.

You may wonder how one can be humble and also confident in theater. It is possible, and I can assure you, if that gets hard, God will have a sense of humor and help keep you humble. The same night I felt I did super well, I actually had burning, watery eyes all night. I had a fake lash blunder, so all night my eyes were swollen, and my eyes leaking. It kept me humble, but also gave me an opportunity to stay in character and continue to be confident no matter what. I thank God for that opportunity.

Are 15 reasons enough to convince you to try musical theater someday? I know I could come up with more, but these are at the forefront of my heart and mind.

I will cherish my time with the cast and crew of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the rest of my life. I will never forget my love for the Baroness. She is a part of me now. I know her completely.

The people I worked with I will always admire and be grateful for. I am grateful for their talents, their advice, their encouragement, their smiles and laughter, their dedication, and their hearts. We were a good team. I am also so grateful for my family, who was a huge part of my team – especially my husband. With his support, I was able to consistently go to my rehearsals, that took up much of my time. And I am grateful for all who came to see the show – without an audience, the dream can’t be realized. Much love to you all!

Teamwork, can make a dream work, if we all pitch in and try.
Teamwork can make a dream work, and no mountain is too high!
If the same great dream is beating in each heart,
There’s no stopping what a fighting team can start.
For, all together, a team can weather, any storm they may go through.
Yes, teamwork, can make a dream work, can make the greatest dreams come true.
April 20, 2016
The Boy Who Played the Piano
There once was a teenage boy who was kind, friendly, funny, and very musically talented. He spent most of his social time with girls because they were nice to him. When around boys his age, though, he smiled less, and wished to be alone. So, he often took refuge at the piano.

Most who saw him probably never knew that when he went off alone, he was actually crying out for understanding, crying out for acceptance, crying out for compassion, crying out for acknowledgement, and crying out for friendship.

This time of life was extremely painful for him because he didn’t fit the mold of his leaders’ and peers’ definitions of “manly” and “masculine.”

Most of his peers were “tough” boys, who thought it was fun to prank others, and shove and push them around. Swirlies, wedgies, and wet willies were hilarious, and no big deal, even to the adults. But this boy wouldn’t do those things because he thought they were mean-spirited.

The boys were often obnoxious or demeaning to the girls their age, but he wanted to be their friends.

Basketball was the activity of choice, but for him, it was too ruthless, and he didn’t like playing.

To be fair, the boys were all friendly when alone, but most of them became “scoundrels” in group social settings. They ganged up on those who were different, and bullied them.

My friend took the bullying really hard, but what was even worse than that, was the lack of recognition from his leaders. They didn’t see how he was being victimized, because they thought that type of behavior was a normal use of masculinity – the “boys will be boys” complex.

He didn’t feel like he could talk to his leaders about his fears, because crying, expressing frustration or sadness, was seen as a form of emotional weakness. Boys were supposed to be strong and manly. Anyone who couldn’t be strong was a “sissy.” He knew he would be told to “man up” if he came forward, instead of being met with the compassion he needed.

Most of the male leaders focused on sports and being tough, and because that wasn’t his forte, it was really hard to bond with anyone. He did enjoy being a Boy Scout, but he was stressed about how anything he would say or do would be judged.

It was a really isolating experience to feel that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. He really felt that something was wrong with him because he didn’t fit in with others’ expectations. He thought he was flawed and limited because he just wasn’t like the other boys, and could feel himself being judged with the unspoken, but clear, masculine standard.

Women and girls were easier to bond with because they didn’t normally recognize the masculine ideology. Older men were also very kind and sweet to him. They had lived long enough to become wiser, and see more clearly.

But even with the kindness of these groups of people, he still wished things could have been different with the men and boys in his life. Perhaps his teenage years and early adult years would have been happier.

When I spoke to this young man about his experiences, I became worried. I have three boys of my own, and I have already witnessed some of the stereotypes given to boys. I have also heard many accounts of bullying from my oldest, all of which break my heart. How can I prevent this? How can I spread the word that this isn’t right?

It is clear what the problems were in my friend’s life, which problems still often exist today:
1. Ranking masculine above the feminine. It is misogynistic to say that boys are “sissies” for showing any type of “femininity.”
2. Stereotyping what a boy and girl should be. Saying boys should be tough and hold back emotion is incredibly damaging.
3. Invalidating the feelings of a boy who is hurt or upset, saying he needs to “be a man.”
4. Using pejorative terms for boys who don’t follow the gender stereotype. “Sissy” is a bad word. The correlating terms for girls, “tomboy,” normally is not, though both bring pressure to conform. Why use these terms at all?
5. Giving implicit approval to mean-spirited behaviors because “boys will be boys.”
6. Dismissing qualities that don’t fit the mold of what boys should be interested and excel in.
7. Not paying attention to or trying to understand boys who are different, who are struggling, and who are crying out for help.
8. Correcting or punishing a kid for being “different.”
Implementing these unfair gender standards, lead the victims to feel that they have to conform or not belong, or bully to not be bullied.

My friend gave me some very thoughtful and profound suggestions of what adult male teachers, leaders, and even parents, can do to be an advocate for all boys, not just those that fit the “norm”:
1. Celebrate and acknowledge each boy’s talents and gifts. Give him a chance to demonstrate his qualities and talents. When my friend was growing up, he felt that only two men in his life were proud of him. It should have been much more than two. Everyone deserves to feel that those who love them and hold stewardship over them are proud of them.
2. Do a variety of activities. Sports are good sometimes, but what about talent shows, science experiments, or music lessons? Not every boy likes or is good at sports, believe it or not!
3. Get to know each kid personally. Be curious about what makes him tick, so you can know how to best minister to him. Desire to love and understand him.
4. Be careful of the words and behaviors that you use. If you want boys to be respectful and kind, you must also be that way. Bullies beget bullies.
5. Should you be tempted to call a boy a “sissy,” stop yourself from being judgmental by trying to see his perspective. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and strive to make sense of his actions. Answer to his experience, rather than to your perception. After all, you can’t say that you love him if you don’t stretch your mind to seek where he is coming from.
Perhaps the most important change should be the way men and boys define what it is to be a “man.” Where should we look to find the qualities of a man to be admired – a man to be emulated?

My friend surprised me, and humbled me, when he looked to Jesus Christ as an example of a real man.

He said that Jesus never avoided those who were different, or who didn’t live the way he felt they should. No, he spent time with everyone – the prostitutes, the lepers, the poor – everyone. He was compassionate and merciful. He showed that there is no need to fear someone who is different.

The Jews were looking for a powerful man to deliver them, to save them from Roman power, and bring them national prosperity. But, Jesus, who was the true Messiah, came as a lamb, not a lion.

Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world (St. John 1:29).

It would be unfair to say that every man who is guilty of these words and behaviors is far away from Christ. Most men likely have good intentions, but they, as do everyone else, have blind spots. Sometimes people don’t see how their behavior works against their goals of being affirming, kind, and even Christ-like.

Should you know any men who fit the character of these teachers and leaders my friend had growing up, please share this message with them. Help them see that though they may have good intentions, they could be psychologically damaging a boy who just needs their acceptance and love.

Thankfully, this boy, now man, still plays the piano, and has since become confident that he is special, smart, and that his talents are indeed worthy of admiration. I thank him for sharing his experiences with me, to help other boys like him.
October 16, 2015
You are Replaceable
On January 25, 2011, I had my sweet baby boy, Rigel. Up until that day, I had been working full time at the AICPA, and had been, ironically, since January 25, 2007. When Jad and I knew we were going to have a baby, we started discussing what should be done.

Very pregnant me in January 2011

By January, after much contemplation and prayer, I was pretty sure I would not be returning to work after Rigel was born. I planned to start working from home a couple weeks before my due date to avoid going into labor at work, which was a good excuse to clean out my desk and cubicle very well just in case I wouldn’t be back. I also was going to have three months of maternity leave, and wanted to give paperwork to the right people, and effectively train the two individuals who would be doing my humongous workload when I was gone.

After Rigel was born, and I held him and cuddled him, it wasn’t long before I knew I really wanted to stay home with him and my older son, Casey. I wanted to be a full time mother, to see my children grow and be there for every special moment.

Rigel and I right after he was born.

Newborn Rigel and I at home.

I sent an email to my senior manager a month into my leave, expressing that I would not be able to return full time, but that I was willing to come to work part time if there was an opening. I don’t have a copy of the reply, but it wasn’t what I was hoping to read. I was denied the opportunity to come back, and I don’t recall any warmth or appreciation being expressed either.

This was my Facebook status after I got the reply. I was crushed, but I was so appreciative to my friends who commented on that status, helping me know that I would be missed.

Mandy Al-Bjaly

February 24, 2011 ·

is thrilled to be able to stay home with her babies, but didn’t realize how hard it would be to say goodbye to good old AICPA. I was hoping for a part-time position, but was told no.
Like · Comment · Share

Rufina Tokarev WHAT?!?!?! You are gone for good?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

February 24, 2011 at 12:40pm · Like

Christine Parker Vandiver Dislike!

February 24, 2011 at 1:30pm · Like

Heather Graham The selfless part of me is SO happy for you! The selfish part of me is SO sad!

February 24, 2011 at 1:36pm · Like

Will Miles DISLIKE, EXTREME. You are simply the best and will be missed!!

February 24, 2011 at 1:49pm · Like

Leah A. Wise Me no likey this Mandy.

February 24, 2011 at 1:59pm · Like

Cary Thornbury Hill I’m right there with you on this one, it really does hurt!

February 24, 2011 at 2:55pm · Like

Mandy Al-Bjaly Well, it feels good that people will miss me at least. Thanks for the love, everyone. I will miss all of you. Cary, I hope the hurt goes away somewhat quickly b/c this is hard!

February 24, 2011 at 6:07pm · Like

Cary Thornbury Hill I cried like a baby with i left….the best advice I can give u is to stay in touch with ur friends always and know that u are more than a title ALWAYS!!!!

February 24, 2011 at 7:33pm · Like · 1

Mandy Al-Bjaly That is great advice. Thanks!

February 24, 2011 at 9:25pm · Like

Susanna Robinson sorry to hear that they won’t work with you on a part time basis but all those hugs and smiles will fill your day! Hope all is well with all of you.
Love you all!

February 25, 2011 at 7:03am · Like

Mary Lyle We will definitely miss you! Best wishes…..

February 25, 2011 at 7:04am · Like

Sara Conover Dusenberry Mandy, that sucks! It’s going to be so weird not hearing that booming laughter! I’m sure you are laughing plenty with your babies though! Keep smiling sunshine!

February 25, 2011 at 8:25am · Like

Jessica Wallace Bad, bad, bad news!!!!!! Im sorry Mandy!!

February 25, 2011 at 8:54am · Like

Mandy Al-Bjaly Thanks everyone. Ha, Sara, you are right. I think Lilly’s laughter will have to suffice.

February 25, 2011 at 8:26pm · Like
April 11, 2011 was the day I went to the AICPA as an employee for the last time. That was the longest elevator ride I had ever taken,this time with my husband and infant. It was the day I would have to clean out my laptop and the rest of my desk, say goodbye to all my friends and associates, and turn in my badge. The exit interview was very emotional, and I felt a part of me was missing when I walked out of those doors to my car, knowing I would never go to another meeting, QA another call, write another page of documentation, or laugh (very loudly) with the people I had grown to admire and love so much.

My team decorated my cubicle the day I found out I was having a boy – 8/30/10

I have been gone from the AICPA for four years, the same amount of time I worked there. When I see pictures of my old coworkers at work, I truly miss the conference rooms, cubicles, and the giving, fun-loving nature of my coworkers.

Christine, a friend and member of my team, threw me a work baby shower at her home – 12/4/10

I miss walking with members of my team during their 15-minute breaks. I miss sitting in the diner eating lunch, though sometimes I would only be there for a few minutes until I had another meeting. I miss team meetings, the birthday parties we celebrated, the one on ones. I even miss the meetings with management, from my department and others (except for the QA meetings. I never liked those).

I learned so many things from my time at the AICPA – nine months as a specialist doing inbound calls, and over three years as a supervisor of different teams. I went from Phone Response supervisor, to Phone and Email Response supervisor, to Outbound Service and Retention supervisor, consisting of three groups doing three very different functions. It was challenging. At one point I had 13 specialists reporting to me. In my last supervisor role, I also worked very closely with the IT department and the Member Value department. I was constantly writing and editing documentation too.

During those four years at the AICPA, I learned so many valuable lessons, many of which I continue to incorporate on a personal level:

Always be kind to members/customers, even if they are unkind to you.

I remember once a member was so mean to me that I started crying. My supervisor got on the phone and took over for me, defending me, saying I was doing all I could, and the member should not take his frustrations out on someone who was only trying to help him.

In this job position, I was always taught to stay kind and respectful regardless of how I was being treated on the phone. Phone and email specialists are the face of the AICPA, and our professionalism weighs heavily on the perception people have of our organization.

Ironically, the members and customers who got the angriest usually got what they wanted – something they didn’t deserve. At what cost, though? Crushing a specialist’s self-esteem, bullying your way to what you want, and being talked about in the office as a difficult member?

Kindness and courtesy go a long way on both ends.

If you hold yourself to a high standard of excellence, you will be asked to do more. As you take on more responsibilities, and do them well, this will lead to greater opportunities.

I was thrilled to be promoted to supervisor after only nine months of being a specialist. It was such an honor, and I think one of the reasons I got promoted was because I was constantly asking for special projects to do. I expressed interest in learning more and doing more, all the while doing my best in my required functions.

To be most efficient in a work environment, you must also have fun.

This was something I feel I did well. I always had names for my teams. My first team was the Phunny Pharm. We had a Pheel Good Jar where we wrote kind notes to each other before every team meeting and passed them out. It really did lift spirits. We also had snacks at every team meeting, and a game, along with business. I often brought treats to work and passed them out to anyone who wanted them. We celebrated every specialist’s birthday on my team, and I did superlatives and other recognitions. We also talked socially as a team, and just had a good time. I held everyone to a high standard, but tried to make work fun too.

Take a break. If you work too hard, you will be too stressed to be productive.

There would literally be days when I was a supervisor when my entire Outlook calendar was filled with meetings and other responsibilities from 8-5. I wouldn’t even had time for lunch, so I would just wolf something down at my desk. Those were terrible days, and I would always go home in a bad mood. Taking a walk, eating a lunch without distraction, and having some breather room, makes so much of a difference in the quality of your day, and your capacity to give.

Laugh a lot. It’s contagious.

My team, and others, used to always tease me for my very loud, bell-like laugh, a laugh that They always knew when I was coming.

Smile and speak kindly to everyone.

Sometimes management can be intimidating, and seen as all work and numbers. If management is kind to everyone, it levels the playing field, and also builds relationships among teams, who often tend to be competitive.

In contrast, as you are always friendly with your superiors, they know you trust them and would go to them for guidance and advice. That helps them feel that you like and respect them, but also that you want to know more and be more than you currently do and are.

Even if you don’t like someone, do your best to be friendly and show appreciation. This will greatly improve collaboration and cooperation.

There were a couple people here and there over the years I didn’t like very much at work. There was one in particular who annoyed me a lot. One day, I decided to implement a new strategy, which was showing interest in her interests, complimenting her, being kind and talking to her socially, and not just in meetings. That really improved how we worked together in the future, and my respect for her grew.

When someone comes to talk to you, stop what you are doing, and give him/her your full attention. You should not multitask when someone is speaking to you about an urgent/important matter.

One of my managers taught me this, and though I had so much work to do, that it was really hard to take my fingers off the keyboard, I tried to implement that advice. I can’t say I was always successful, but I do know that when I did, I got the full message the first time, and did not have to clarify a question or concern.

Respond to requests as quickly as you can. This builds trust, and helps those you serve know you are their advocate.

Because I had had experience with a supervisor who was not timely in answering emails, and a manager who answered emails but didn’t always answer the question, I realized the value of reading and responding to my specialists’ emails as quickly as possible. I also encouraged them to just come to my desk and talk to me personally. I tried to be as helpful and positive as possible.

If you care about those you supervise and make their success a priority, they will be more motivated, work harder, and enjoy work more.

I really feel strongly about this. As a supervisor or manager, you have a responsibility to make sure your team performs at a high level of efficiency and quality. Sometimes it can be easy to concentrate only on numbers, and put individuals down when they don’t perform exactly right. When you change your approach, show them individually you care about their success, ask how you can help them every day, and work with them on a regular basis, while listening to their ideas and concerns, it makes so much of a difference.

Provide feedback in a constructive manner. Always start with positive feedback and then move on to the opportunities. Let the person know you want to help him/her succeed.

As a supervisor, I did one on ones with each of my specialists either bi-weekly or monthly, depending on their positions. Sometimes, I had to give feedback on performance that was less than satisfactory. That is hard and intimidating. I learned, though, that if I concentrated on what they did well first, it softened my tone enough that I could give the constructive criticism in a way that wasn’t offensive. I always expressed a desire to help my employees succeed, and offered , as well as asked for, suggestions to do so.

When someone is performing at a very low level, you work as much as you can to help him/her start meeting expectations, rather than just turning your back.

Sometimes you will have an employee who is just awful, either with a bad attitude or really poor skills. You can’t just give up and throw in the towel. You have to be patient and work with that person in every way you can, with specific, documented steps. Sometimes people will be let go, and if that happens, you should be perfectly satisfied that you did all you could, and that you stayed their advocate until the end.

If you are annoyed or offended, do not send that nasty email. Save it as a draft, and go back to it later, after you have calmed down and gained some perspective.

I never got in trouble formally at work, but once, when I was still a specialist, I had taken on an additional responsibility of writing a training quiz. I got some feedback on it from a manager, that offended me, and I felt wasn’t correct. I sent a passionate email expressing my feelings. My supervisor had to speak to me about it, and I promptly apologized. From then on, I always took a breather before responding to an email that I didn’t like, or I just spoke to the person in person.

Another point about nasty emails: I had a manager that would periodically sent me a rude email asking why something was done or wasn’t done, or why it was done in the wrong way. It would inevitably upset me, but mostly annoy me, as he was almost always incorrect in his accusations. In my management role, I tried not to do that, but rather talk to a person one on one if I had a concern.

Be passionate, but not too passionate; don’t sweat the small stuff; and look at the bigger picture.

That was one of my biggest faults at the AICPA as a supervisor. When I saw injustices, especially in QA, I was very passionate about defending my cause, or the cause of one of my employees. There would inevitably be tension in the room, and often, I still didn’t get my way. You need to be passionate enough to care that things are done fairly, but also see that there are other perspectives out there other than your own. Sometimes I would sweat the small stuff by being mad that others were sweating the small stuff. That really isn’t productive.

Don’t be afraid to express concerns, but always be respectful and provide proof to validate them.

There were so many occasions, especially in my last supervisor role, when demands were made that just could not realistically be met. I had to speak with my senior manager often in his office about these things. I usually had reports to prove my concerns, many of which were made by one of my awesome employees. I strived to be respectful of what upper management said, but I still expressed my concerns rather than keeping them inside. I had my team to advocate for, and if I said nothing, and simply bowed down to every command, my specialists would not have respected me, and would not have wanted to come to work, knowing they couldn’t accomplish what was required of them.

It isn’t us against them. We are all working together for a common goal.

I was in the Service Center during my whole four years. There would often be annoyances from my department toward the IT department, and mostly the Member Value department. I had to learn to give the benefit of the doubt, realize every team has pressures of their own, and train myself to really believe we were all working toward a common goal. I made it a priority to just communicate better, and stay kind.

The most profound truth I learned came after I left the AICPA, and that is that I was replaceable.

It really hurt to know I put my heart and soul, and blood, sweat and tears into my job at the AICPA for years, and when I left, everyone moved on. Someone else took my position, and business continued as usual. I don’t know what I was expecting – management to beg me to stay perhaps.

No matter how well you do at your job, no matter how many awards or bonuses you get, no matter how many policies and procedures you implement, no matter how many documents you write, no matter how many meetings you go to, no matter how many problems you identify and help fix, no matter how many people you train, no matter how much you are trusted to get the job done, you are replaceable in the workforce.

It was like a punch in the gut to realize that. Now, though, I have found that truth to be a remarkable blessing. It has really reaffirmed and validated my husband’s and my decision for me to stay home and raise my children.
To them, I am irreplaceable. Only I know what they desire, what they need, how to calm them down, what to sing to them, which books to read to them, what their favorite toys and blankets are. Nobody can kiss their boo boos like I can, or teach them that Jesus loves them like I can, or love them and cherish them like I can. They need me, they love me, and they miss me when I am not there. I am irreplaceable as their mother as long as I teach them in light and truth, show them love, and care for them body and soul.

I will always cherish my time at the AICPA, especially the friendships I formed, and the lessons I learned. I will never forget any of you, and I love keeping up with you as best I can. Thank you for your examples that help me be a better person and mother.
April 11, 2015
Faith is the key

*An abridged version can be found on familyshare.com.

As someone who has many friends and family members who have questioned their faith, whether it be in their specific religion, or God Himself, this subject of losing faith has been consistently in my mind.I am someone who loves to help. Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly am looking for ways to serve. I feel one of the most important ways to serve is by helping others in spiritual matters.

If you are one who has lost his/her faith, let me try to help you.

Let’s start with a simple physical analogy. When you lose a key, or your phone, or your kid’s favorite teddy bear, what do you do?

1. You realize you have lost it and slightly panic.
2. You look around the immediate area.
3. If you don’t see it there, you retrace your steps.
4. If you still can’t find it, you ask other people who may have seen it to help you find it.
5. You look for as long as it takes because that item is essential to you.
6. If you don’t find it after all that, you may feel defeated and sad. Then, and only then, do you even consider replacing what it was you lost.

Guess what? These same steps can be used for when you lose your testimony of one or all aspects of your faith.

First, you will realize that something is missing. You don’t feel that fire like you used to. You find you have doubts, a lot of them. You wonder if you ever really knew God was real, or that Jesus is your Savior, or if certain books of scripture are true.

There are many options you can choose as you realize you have lost your faith, but the best option, the only option that will lead you to your end goal of finding your faith, is to reflect on your life. Reflect on the blessings you have, on the goodness you see because of the faith you have lived by.

If you can’t see that because you have been slowly detaching for a long time, you should retrace your steps, meaning look back upon your past. Think of special times that you exhibited faith, made a commitment to God, felt the Holy Spirit, felt a prayer answered. Perhaps you will want to write those things down.

I have spoken to people who question if those special spiritual experiences of the past were a hoax. It saddens me to hear that. I think that we each have a conscience, we each have an inherent goodness, and we each have the light of Christ within us. If we felt peace and joy in those moments, it wasn’t a lie.

Perhaps, though, you really struggle believing that what you once felt was really right. That is when you can talk to others. You can talk to friends and family who do have their faith, and who can testify to you. Most importantly, you can and should commune with your Heavenly Father. Pour out your heart to Him earnestly, sincerely, and humbly. Ask for His guidance, for His love, for His spirit to rest upon you and envelop you. Ask Him to help you remember, and to confirm to you the truth you once knew.

You may lose heart if you try these things and nothing helps you find your faith. Be patient. Keep searching. Read your scriptures, continue to pray, fast, talk to those who help lead you back to your faith rather than push you away from it, for running away from what you lost will not help you find it. In fact, it most certainly guarantees you never will.

I have had enough experience in my life with prayer, scripture study, and soul-searching to testify to you that this method will work if you are willing to hear God’s answer. If you already have your mind made up, you will never be able to hear His voice.

I believe that in most cases, number 6, replacing your lost faith with something else, will not be a necessity as long as steps 1-5 are taken very seriously and sacredly. However, if you have done all of the other steps with full purpose of heart, and you still don’t find your faith, perhaps God is telling you there is more out there for you. Just remember that it is in God you must trust if you wish to find and nourish your faith once more.

I am there for anyone who ever wishes to have conversations with me about faith. I want to help, and by so doing, I know my faith will also grow.

Much love to all of you who are confused and unable to find your way. There is hope, and you can get the answers you seek.

March 19, 2015
You Aren’t Weird, but Your Beliefs Are Part 4 – What Mormons Believe

In the last post I confirmed to you how I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet. In part, it was because he translated and brought forth The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ.

As a prophet, Joseph did so much more. He also received numerous revelations from Jesus himself. Christ gave him the absolute truth as to how His church was to be organized, and what His people must do to obtain eternal life.

We know that Joseph was martyred at the young age of 38. Did prophets once again leave the earth, leaving us without answers? No, there have been many prophets called since Joseph Smith, and there are prophets and apostles on the earth today.

Thomas S. Monson, President and Prophet of the LDS Church

The members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe that prophets speak directly to Christ, and receive counsel and instruction from Him for the benefit of His people, and for the world. That is why we love, sustain, and follow the counsels of the Lord’s prophets and apostles.

That is also one of the reasons why we so look forward to General Conference twice a year.

One of our church’s Articles of Faith is: We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God.

Yes, God is still speaking, and will continue to speak and give instruction until He comes again.

All of the doctrines, beliefs and practices in the LDS church come from this revelation to the Lord’s prophets. I think I owe each of you the answers to the questions I asked in Part 2 of this blog series.

As you read the answers I write, imagine that there are prophets on the earth, and they are in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If this is true, the answers below are the absolute truth as prescribed by Jesus Christ.

The Commandments:

1. Keep the Sabbath Day holy (Exodus 20:8) – The Sabbath Day is the Lord’s Day. We should attend church, yes, but we should also make the Sabbath a day of rest, a day of service, and a day of spiritual feasting. We should avoid causing others to have to work on the Lord’s day.

2. Be baptized of water and of the Spirit (John 3:5) –

a. Baptism of water: Baptism is essential to enter into the kingdom of God, as it shows our commitment to keeping God’s commandments and trying to become like Him. It must be done by someone with priesthood authority. Baptism must be done by immersion. Babies and young children do not sin and do not need to be baptized. Only when they reach the age of eight or older are they tempted by Satan and sufficiently know the difference between right and wrong.

b. Baptism of the spirit: This means receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, an ordinance performed by the laying on of hands by one with priesthood authority. Once baptized, one receives this gift, which is a constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, dependent on one’s faithfulness.

c. Baptism for the dead: Baptisms for the dead were performed during Paul’s time, and are done in the LDS church in temples. Since all people must be baptized to be saved, baptisms by proxy give the deceased an opportunity to have that saving ordinance, and then choose to take upon them the name of Christ.

3. Do not commit adultery and flee fornication (Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:28, 1 Corinthians 6:18) – It is still a commandment to remain sexually pure until marriage, and then to maintain full loyalty to your spouse after marriage.

4. Love one another (John 13:34)- Love one another means that we are kind, tolerant and nonjudgmental, and that we serve others. It does not mean that we condone or advocate for sinful behavior. Loving God means keeping His commandments. We should never purposely break commandments, or encourage others to break commandments in the name of loving one another.

5. Let your light so shine (Matthew 5:14-16) – We should set good examples, and also share the gospel of Christ with others. Those of us who have been baptized have covenanted to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places. We should defend our beliefs, and declare them in love.

6. Throw away the things that make you sin (Matthew 5:29-30)- The abominations spoken of in the Bible are still abominations to Christ. His higher law is still valid today. Modern day prophets have revealed to us the Lord’s will regarding what is and is not sin as new technologies and practices are created. The definition of sin is not based on society’s acceptance of any practice.

7. Pray to the father (Matthew 6:5-13)- You should pray to Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ. There is nobody else that you should pray to. Prayers should be done as a family and individually morning, night, and before meals. Prayers can be said aloud or in silence. They can be said anytime, anywhere. There are no prayers that need to be recited, except for prayers done for sacred ordinances, such as the Sacrament or baptism. Heavenly Father wants us to speak from the heart in sincere prayer. He wants us to talk to Him, to thank Him for our blessings, tell Him our fears, and ask Him questions.

8. Partake of Christ’s body and blood in remembrance of Him (Luke 22:19-20) – When partaking of the emblems, you are not literally eating and drinking Christ’s body and blood. It is symbolic. When you partake, you are promising to remember Christ always. It does not matter what is used for the emblems, so long as you remember Christ. Mormons use bread and water. The emblems should be blessed and passed by those having priesthood authority. Only those who are worthy should partake.

The Doctrines:

1. The truthfulness of the Bible – The Bible is holy and true. It contains the word of God as given to His prophets and apostles. The Bible is one book with the word of God. The Book of Mormon is also the word of God, and the Lord still speaks truths to prophets today to bring peace and clarity in a changing, and increasingly wicked, world.

2. The nature of God – Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are three separate and distinct beings. Heavenly Father and Jesus have bodies of flesh and bone, while the Holy Ghost is a spirit. They are all one in purpose and mission, and they all love us, but they are not one being.

3. Salvation – The Lord commands that we follow Him and be baptized in His name. However, to be saved, this is not all we must do. When we make mistakes, we must repent. We must also keep God’s commandments, and work hard to become more like Him in word and in deed throughout our lives.

4. The Second Coming – Jesus will come again in power and great glory. Nobody knows when it will happen. When He comes, the righteous will be caught up to meet Him.

5. Life after death – When a person dies, his body and soul separate. Only little children who die will go straight to Heaven. Everyone else will go to the Spirit World to await the Lord’s second coming, the resurrection, and final judgment. Instruction occurs in the Spirit World. Those who did not have a chance to learn about Jesus Christ and His gospel will be taught it, and be given the opportunity to accept Him. After the final judgment, the Lord will assign each of us to a kingdom of glory in Heaven based on our faithfulness, or to Outer Darkness for the most wicked. Paul saw a third Heaven because there are three degrees of glory in Heaven (the many mansions Jesus spoke of).

6. The priesthood – The priesthood is the authority to act in God’s name on the earth. Worthy males may be ordained to the priesthood, and receive it through the laying on of hands.

Though not everyone holds the priesthood, everyone is blessed by it.

The Practices:

1. Abortion – Human life is a sacred gift. Abortion should not be promoted or encouraged. In most cases it is a practice contrary to the will of God, and is only acceptable in the rarest of circumstances. Even in cases when deemed acceptable, counseling and prayer should precede the decision to have one.

2. Suicide and Euthanasia – Because of the sanctity of human life, suicide and euthanasia are both wrong. However, in the case of suicide, only the Lord can judge if a person is responsible for his/her actions.

3. Contraception – Husbands and wives who are physically able have the privilege and responsibility to have children and rear them in righteousness. However, it is up to the spouses to determine when they wish to have children and how many they wish to have. Birth control is not discouraged, so long as children are not being postponed for selfish reasons.

4. Death penalty – This is a matter that should be decided by civil law.

5. War and military service – Peace is always the ideal. However, sometimes war is necessary to preserve life, liberty, and family. Citizen should follow the laws of the land regarding war.

6. Eating of meat – For health reasons, meat should be eaten sparingly, but it is not wrong to eat it. In fact, animals were created for the use of humans, for food and for clothing.

7. Marriage – The family is central to Heavenly Father’s plan. All children deserve to be born in a family with a mother and a father, and marriage should be between a man and a woman. Priests are not forbidden to marry.

8. Divorce – Marriages are sacred contracts, and should not be taken lightly. Divorce, though not encouraged, is sometimes a necessary action. One who is divorced is able to remarry, and still remain in full fellowship in the church.

As you read these answers, some may have made perfect sense to you, though you didn’t have a previous stance. Some you may already agree with because you have also been taught it. Others you may totally disagree with because of political/social views. There may be some that you just don’t understand or think are too complicated.

Mormons feel very strongly about the safety and peace that comes from following the prophet. If prophets truly do speak to the Lord, then they will always convey the Lord’s will and truths. However, it is not always easy to understand or accept all doctrines and practices.

That is where faith comes in. Heavenly Father has given us free agency. The truth is revealed, but it is up to each individual person to exercise faith in that truth, and find out through study and prayer if it be right. Nobody in the LDS faith is forced to do anything. Everyone is encouraged to build their own convictions, and doubts and questions are normal.

I am grateful to have choice, but also to know the consequences of actions I may take and positions I may hold.

I don’t understand everything, but little by little, my faith and testimony grow as I am prepared and willing to receive more light and knowledge.

I have a strong testimony that Heavenly Father and Jesus love us. They love me and they love each of you. They wish for everyone to have eternal life. All we must do is follow the doctrines and commandments that Jesus has set forth.

I share the gospel as I know it so passionately and lovingly because it means the world to me, and I am such a better person because of it. I would love to clarify anything I have written about thus far, or talk about something you have heard about Mormons that I haven’t addressed. I am here to help.

I am a Christian and a disciple of Christ.

October 31, 2014