Tag: pride

Your last name is a part of you.
I wrote this article for a new website, mum.info. Before I submitted it, I had Casey read it. He said it was beautiful, and he started to cry. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he wasn’t sad, but that he had felt the Spirit. He said reading my words helped him remember the importance of family. He kept repeating over and over that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever read. His reaction penetrated my heart, and I never want to forget it.

You can read mum.info’s version here.

“Mommy, why is my last name different than yours? I want your last name!” My son, Casey, was only four when his little voice trembled out those piercing words. He and I had shared the same last name his whole life. It had just been me and him since before he was one year old. I had recently remarried, so my last name was different. And now, I was going to have a baby who would have my new last name. I wanted to cry with Casey, simply because he was sad.

That was six years ago, and I have done all I can to make sure he has no reason to cry over his last name again by:
- Encouraging Him to Cherish His Last Name
That was the first step – helping him see that his last name was wonderful. No, it wasn’t my last name, but with a name holds a legacy going back generations. By holding onto his last name, he would be showing pride in his rich heritage, and extending love and appreciation for not only his father, but his father’s extended family.
- Showing Him Love Daily
I think it hurt Casey a little when I got remarried. It was no longer just us. Then, when I had more children, he was no longer the only child. There are five of us in our household, and he has a different name than the rest of us. But, as I share my love, attention, and devotion to him daily, having a different name will never make him feel less cherished or important.
- Not Asking Him to Pick Sides
It isn’t me against his dad. It never has been. I don’t tell my son that he can’t love, respect, or have a relationship with his father. I don’t tell him that I am a better parent, or place any blame or bitterness in his father’s direction. I do not judge his dad, or speak ill of him to my child. We rather pray for him and his family. I always keep the mind-set that his father is on the same team as me, my husband, and all other family members working to help Casey have a happy life and be a good boy.
- Letting Him Spend Time with His Dad
Casey’s father lives far away, so he can’t see him often. However, I encourage regular phone conversations. He also flies to see his dad and extended family each year for several weeks. I have had people tell me that I shouldn’t have to do that because of the circumstances surrounding our divorce, but I feel very strongly that regardless of what happened in our marriage, Casey’s dad will always be Casey’s dad. They should have a relationship, and a strong one at that.
- Being Honest about the Divorce
I did not do this when he was four, but about a year ago, I told my son why his father and I divorced. I didn’t water it down, but I also didn’t place blame or judgment. I encouraged my son to continue to have a strong, loving relationship with his dad. I told him to forgive him, pray for him, and encourage him to change his life for the better. I told him I am not sad about the divorce anymore. Though I wish that Casey could always be near me and his dad, I know we are blessed and things have worked out well for us.
- Blending Our Family in Love
My husband of over five years is so wonderful to Casey. He always has been, and I knew he would be a wonderful father to him the first time they met. Casey doesn’t refer to him as his stepdad, but as his Daddy. He has two dads, and that is cool. He also thinks of his half-brothers as his brothers. That’s what they are to him. We are a family, and we love each other. There is no need to create those lines of division.

These artificial lines of division apply to me too. When I was first divorced, I thought it would be strange to continue having a relationship with my ex-husband’s extended family. I was uncomfortable by the phone calls and gifts at first, but finally I realized that they hadn’t abandoned me, and there was no rule that they had to. The fact that I wasn’t married to their family member anymore, didn’t all of a sudden erase the bond and love we had with each other. I still speak on the phone with my ex-husband often, and keep in contact with much of his extended family on social media and occasional emails and phone calls. It is a good thing, and it helps.

It is safe to say that my 10-year-old has a very happy life. He has three family trees to call his own. He is loved and cherished by all of them. He knows that there is so much more to family than a name. He knows all families look different, but as long as we are there for each other, we can always feel that we belong and that we are safe.

*I fully recognize this model may not work in its entirety for everyone. I strongly believe, though, that doing as much of this as possible will help your child feel that he belongs, and that life in any family situation can be grand.
September 2, 2015
We know better, so let’s do better
Also read this post on www.familyshare.com.

I would be making an unrighteous judgment if I said that all Christians are habitually judgmental. However, based on hundreds of social media comments I have read lately, there are way too many hateful things being said by Christians without any thought for how they will hurt others’ self-esteem, and their views of Christianity.

The judgments go towards nonbelievers and their “worldly” views and practices, but also overwhelmingly extend to fellow Christians with differing views.

As Christians, we need to make sure we practice what we preach, and be like the man we cherish as our Savior and Redeemer. To do this, we must recognize the views that lead to unrighteous judgments:
1. We strongly believe we are right, so thus, everyone else must be wrong.
2. We think we know what a good Christian is, and define others by our own definitions.
3. We believe what our spiritual leaders tell us about other faiths, and see no reason to find out for ourselves.
4. We judge people, organizations, and religions based on tidbits of information rather than on the whole picture.
5. We think that Jesus loves us more than others because we follow Him.
6. We are afraid of the “world,” and are quick to condemn anything we believe is worldly.
Pride, ignorance, and fear will continue to drive us to division with our fellow Christians, and the rest of the world, unless we strive to do these things:
1. Recognize and respect that there are wide ranges of moral beliefs in this world. Christians don’t all hold the same beliefs because of different translations of the Bible, leading to varying doctrines and practices. There are also people of many different faiths, and people who hold no faith. They all have their own moral compasses and are doing the best they can based on what they know.
2. Cease making our own definitions of what a good Christian is, and leave that to Christ. None of us lives our religion perfectly.
3. Question demeaning things spiritual leaders, parents or friends say about other religions, denominations, and groups of people. Find out if it is true.
When I was a high school freshman, we studied different Christian religions. A boy in my history class raised his hand when the discussion came to a particular denomination. He said that those people weren’t Christians, providing a reason he believed to be true. I knew it was false, though, because he was talking about my denomination. He didn’t know I was of that faith, but his comment really hurt me. It is sad that he was so misinformed about my religion to judge it in such a harsh way.
1. Do the research at the source to come to our own unbiased conclusions when we want to learn more about a religion or group.
Several years ago, I dated a man who was as religious as I was, but worshiped in a different church. We had many conversations about faith. I realized after a while, he was starting to make accusations against my faith – things that were sometimes very random, but always very cynical in nature. I later realized that he had been researching my religion by studying websites specifically created to denounce it. Though after study and prayerful consideration, I was able to confirm the untruths, it affected me very deeply. Had he studied my faith from the source, much hurt could have been avoided, and understanding increased.
1. Realize that we only see the tip of the iceberg. Even if we are aware of behaviors of others that aren’t good, we don’t know the struggles they go through, or the goodness that they have within them. We can’t judge on one thing that we see. Only God knows a person completely.
1. Remember that God is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34). This means that He loves each of His children equally, and wishes for all of us to partake of His goodness, peace, and salvation.
1. Focus on our own faults, and how we can improve, rather than focusing on the faults of others. The Lord taught that we must take the beam out of our own eyes before telling our brother to take the mote out of his, else we be hypocrites (Matthew 7:2-5).
1. Refuse to judge according to appearance, but instead judge a righteous, or true judgment (John 7:24), based on mercy and compassion (Zechariah 7:9). After carefully analyzing facts and situations, we can come to a righteous judgment. Sometimes, we may conclude that for our well-being, we need to distance ourselves from certain people or groups. However, we should always allow for second chances.
Once, when I was a teenager riding the bus after school, my friend and I started talking about religion. I told him mine, and he told me his. He told me that in his parents didn’t allow him to speak to anyone in my religion, but that he would continue to be my friend anyway because I was so nice. As an adult, I can now see just what a wonderful example he was of righteous judgment. I am grateful that he came to his conclusions based on my character, and saw past a rule he didn’t feel good about.
1. Befriend those around us who are hard to love. By doing so, we will gain better understanding, and also find things we love about them.
2. Try to see the good in all people. We are all trying to do our best with the knowledge and experience we have. We should encourage, not bully, and love, rather than judge.
Fellow Christians, let’s think more carefully before we post on social media. The best form of persuasion comes from true knowledge and compassion, not bashing or accusing.

I know that Jesus Christ would want us to be united in His army, and to remember that we are allies and not enemies. We have Him in common, and that should be enough.
July 13, 2015
7 clues that your terrible relationship could be your fault

This is the version I submitted to Family Share before it was re-edited and published on their site. See which one you like better:

Sometimes in a dating or marriage relationship, the commitment and happiness decline, and the relationship goes terribly south. When this happens to you, you wonder where the problems lie, and who is to blame. Truth be told, the fault is usually shared, though not necessarily equally.

Reflect on these characteristics of a devoted partner to see how you are influencing your relationship for better or for worse:

1. You are loyal.

You do not participate in anything that would arouse lust. You do not flirt with anyone else. You are upfront and honest with your partner about what you do every day. When things are hard, you stick by the one you love, rather than go to someone, or something, else for comfort.

Someone I loved wasn’t loyal to me, and it was really hard for me to trust him again, or even get over my feelings of disgust and betrayal. Trust can be rebuilt with change, but he sadly didn’t value our relationship enough to change.

2. You show affection often, in word and in deed.

You say “I love you,” kiss, hug, hold hands, and do sweet, tender gestures. You are thoughtful, and make holidays and occasions special. You spend quality time with your significant other, and do things that will strengthen your relationship. You are authentic, and do a lot of laughing and having fun. You reminisce about why you fell in love, and tell your partner often what you love about him/her. You share your dreams for your future together.

I know that without this tender affection, the romantic spark can totally go out.

3. You communicate with love, patience, and respect.

You encourage and uplift, rather than nag or criticize. You compliment and show praise every day. You only speak kindly of your partner to your friends or family. You do your best to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns without yelling, fighting or calling names. Should you falter, you sincerely apologize. You say what is bothering you, rather than turning inward and pushing the other away. You never let your pride be more important than your love.

Humility is something my husband and I are working on to improve our communication. It makes all the difference.

4. You value your significant other’s thoughts, feelings, and interests.

When you make decisions, you think of how they would affect the other. You respect your partner’s opinions, even more so than those of your parents and friends. You listen, and you validate. You would never ask your partner to do anything that makes him/her uncomfortable. You comfort when the other is sad; you support when the other struggles; you celebrate when the other succeeds. You appreciate the talents, skills and hobbies of the other, and try to learn from them. You are unselfish, and put your partner’s needs before your own.

In my marriage, I get most upset when I feel that my husband isn’t listening or validating my feelings. I feel so loved, though, when he just sits with me, listens to me, hugs me, and tells me he loves me.

5. You can be happy without your significant other.

You do not base your self-worth solely on the fact that you are in a relationship. You can feel confident, fulfilled and happy when you are apart. You do not get insecure, or worried when you cannot talk to or see your significant other at all times. You love yourself, and know that no matter what happens, you are special, you are loved, and you have so much to offer.

I have seen people be so clingy in their relationship, that they push the other person away. Then, if it doesn’t work out, they don’t know how to function. Please remember that your partner needs your trust, and also personal time.

6. You are doing your best to be a good person.

You choose your friends carefully. You want to associate with honest, unselfish, giving and loyal people who don’t break the law or play with hearts. You are not entertaining harmful addictions. When you make commitments, you keep them. You work hard, and you humbly recognize your strengths and weaknesses, and are constantly working to refine yourself.

Though I don’t have personal experience with all of these things, I have seen someone I love struggle as she dated a young man who did break the law, pretend to care more than he did, and break commitments. She would try so hard to be loyal and stand by her boyfriend, while he would flirt with other women, do drugs, and even steal.

I do have first-hand experience with what addictions can do to a relationship. One who has an addiction does not have freedom over his thoughts, emotions or actions. He is irrational, selfish, unproductive, dishonest, unkind, and sometimes violent.

7. You love God and put Him first.

You know who your Creator is, and you want to please Him. You strive to show you love Him and others by keeping His commandments. You take time to pray, read your scriptures, and ponder on all the blessings God has given you. You are a light to others as you serve them in love.

This quality has been the most valuable to me in my relationship with my spouse. When we both are striving to put God first, we really are more patient, loving, and service-oriented.

In contrast, my first marriage ended mostly because of sin and selfishness. I can promise you that individuals who strive for spiritual cleanliness, are much better suited for a healthy relationship.

Because nobody is perfect, you won’t do all these things perfectly all the time. However, if your relationship with your spouse or significant other is taking a dark turn for the worse, reflect carefully on the part you are playing. Do the very best you can, and if nothing changes, it may be time to consider a change. God bless you in your relationship and in your life.

June 23, 2015