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  • You Aren’t Weird, but Your Beliefs Are Part 2: Why Are There So Many Churches?

    Have you ever wondered why there are so many Christian churches? Has that ever bothered you? Why would that be anyway? All Christians have access to the Bible. All (well, most) Christians believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ and accept Him as their Savior; yet, there are countless denominations, and even non-denominations.

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    Some of you may say that it doesn’t matter which Christian church you go to, or what doctrines it teaches, because all that matters is loving Jesus and being kind to others. The rest is up to your personal feelings.

    The two greatest commandments are in fact to love God with all your heart, mind, might and strength, and also to love your neighbor as yourself.

    However, Jesus said that if we love Him, we will keep his commandments. Which commandments is he talking about? There are the ten commandments, of course, and the higher law for those commandments. There are also countless others.

    Do all Christians keep all the commandments? Do they agree on how to keep those commandments? Are there any Christians out there who think some commandments are outdated? Here are some examples of commandments Christians churches follow/don’t follow differently:

    1. Keep the Sabbath Day holy (Exodus 20:8) – Does this just mean go to church? Does this just mean think about Jesus more? Does it mean that you spend the whole day a little differently than every other day? Is this commandment even valid anymore?

    2. Be baptized of water and of the Spirit (John 3:5) – What age should people be baptized? Do little children need to be baptized? Should baptism be done by sprinkling or by immersion? What must we do to be worthy of baptism? Who has the authority to baptize? How does one get baptized of the Spirit? Is baptism really even necessary for salvation? What was Paul talking about when he spoke of baptism for the dead?

     

     

    3. Do not commit adultery and flee fornication (Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:28, 1 Corinthians 6:18) – Most Christians agree on not committing adultery, but what about fornication? It has become more and more common for Christian people to live together and engage in sexual relations before marriage. Is this an outdated commandment, or is it still valid?

    4. Love one another (John 13:34)- This one should be easy, but it isn’t. Does ‘love one another’ mean that we accept all behaviors around us, even if we don’t believe in them? Can we still love one another but not agree or condone or vote for causes that go against our beliefs, or does that mean we don’t love our neighbor? Does this commandment trump keeping the other commandments God has set?

    5. Let your light so shine (Matthew 5:14-16) – Does this just mean that we are good people, or does this mean that we share the gospel of Christ with others? Should we be vocal about our beliefs, or be quiet about them so as not to offend those who do not share our beliefs?

    6. Throw away the things that make you sin  (Matthew 5:29-30)- Well, what things are sins? Does the definition of sin change as times change or are all the abominations spoken of in scripture still abominations?

    7. Pray to the father (Matthew 6:5-13)- Should we only pray to the Father, or is it also acceptable and encouraged to pray to Mary? How often should we pray, and should we recite prayers, or speak from the heart?

    8. Partake of Christ’s body and blood in remembrance of Him (Luke 22:19-20) – Are we literally partaking of Christ’s body and blood, or is it symbolic? What are we promising to do when we do this? How often must we do this, and does it matter what we use as representation of the body and blood? How should the body and blood be blessed and passed?

     

    Each of these commandments, and many, many others, are interpreted and kept in diverse ways in the hundreds of Christian denominations in the world. It is not only the commandments, but also doctrines which are disagreed upon. Here are just a few of the doctrines that Christians do not agree upon:

    1. The truthfulness of the Bible – Is it inerrant, or is it just a book full of good ideas? Does it tell us everything we need to know, or are some parts no longer relevant due to the changes in the world? Did all the Bible stories actually happen, or are they just ways to teach us a message?

    2. The nature of God – Are God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost three separate beings or one being? Does God have a body or not?

    3. Salvation – If we accept Jesus and are baptized, are we guaranteed salvation, or can we lose it based on our deeds? Do we have to keep the faith? Do our works help us be saved? How does repentance work? How do we know if we are forgiven, or are we just automatically forgiven?

    4. The Second Coming – Is it going to happen? Will there be a rapture? What will happen if Christ comes again?

     

    5. Life after death – Will we really be resurrected? Do people go straight to Heaven or Hell after death, or is there a resting place before the final judgment? Is there even a Hell at all? Will everyone who didn’t accept Jesus on this earth go to Hell? What is the third Heaven that Paul saw?

    6. The priesthood – What is the priesthood? Are there guidelines as to who should be ordained to the priesthood? How is one conferred the priesthood? What does one with the priesthood do?

     

    It is true that there are many  doctrines that Christians generally agree on, such as the divinity of Christ, that he was born of a virgin, that he lived on earth and died for our sins, and was resurrected. These other doctrines are essential to know, however, because our understanding of them can completely change the way we live, how we interpret scripture, and how our churches function.

    Even in the early days of Christianity, Paul chastised the people for moving away from the doctrines of Christ. He said to the Galatians (1:1-6):

    I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel: Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ. But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, If any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man. For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ.

     

    Unfortunately, I have only begun to scratch the surface of the differences in Christian denominations. Some other differences are how Christians feel about:

    1. Abortion – Even if we don’t agree with it, should we vote for it to be banned, or vote to give a woman choice?

    2. Suicide and Euthanasia – Is this the equivalent of murder or is it sometimes acceptable? Is it forgivable?

    3. Contraception – Is birth control always wrong to use, or is it okay in some or all circumstances? What kinds of contraception are acceptable?

    4. Death penalty – Is the killing of others for a crime committed ever justified? Should we be able to make that call?

    5. War and military service – Should war be avoided at all costs, or is it sometimes the right thing to do to defend our freedoms, lands, and families?

    6. Eating of meat – Is it murder to eat animal flesh, or is meat a gift from God for His children?

    7. Marriage – Should marriage be between only a man and a woman, or should any consenting adults be allowed to marry? Should priests remain celibate or be allowed to marry?

    8. Divorce – Is divorce ever acceptable? If one is divorced, can he/she remarry and remain part of the body of Christ?

    I am by no means the first person to realize the vast differences between Christian denominations. I read many articles discussing it. Most of these articles say that we should respect all Christians, regardless of disparity, and learn how to love each other. The people writing these articles usually also show sympathy that other Christians don’t know the full truth like they do.

     

    I totally agree that we should respect all Christians. However, look around. Do Christians really love and respect each other? Many do, yes. However, I am saddened at the flat out bashing and judging that goes on because of the differences Christians have. I read all the time where Christians call out other Christians and say they must not be true Christians, because Jesus wouldn’t think or do what they are thinking and doing.

    Most Christians believe they have the full truth, and they most closely follow the Lord, Jesus Christ. I fully and wholeheartedly believe there must be absolute truth in Christianity. There must be. All of the things we have discussed must have a true answer from God. He does have an answer for all the differing opinions of men and women. There is a pure doctrine. None of the doctrines I listed can be more than one way. There must be one answer. To be acceptable in the Lord’s eyes, we must keep his commandments as He intended for us to keep them. We must know the truth. How do we find it?

    The answer most commonly given amongst Christians is to use the Bible. Well, don’t most Christian denominations (and non-denominations) use the Bible? They definitely use it, and yet there are countless combinations of beliefs in Christianity. This doesn’t make sense. Don’t get me wrong –  I believe with all my heart that the Bible is true. Those who have a conviction of this are right.

     

    I have studied the Bible many times in my life, and it is a book I treasure. I know it is the word of God. To say there is not confusion, though, would be a lie. There are many verses in the Bible which are very difficult to comprehend, and many concepts are introduced but not elaborated upon. Have you ever come across a scripture you didn’t understand? The book of Revelation is incredibly difficult to fathom… there are many others as well.

    Did you know  there are over 100 English translations of the Bible? I definitely haven’t read all of these translations, but I do know from looking  at a few different ones that if you compare a scripture passage in different Bibles, often you will find that the meaning is not the same. Even more astonishing is that I have read interpretations of the same scripture from the same translation that didn’t match – in fact, they were opposites.

    An example of that is Luke 24:39:

    Behold my hands and my feet, that it is I myself: handle me, and see; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have.

    I have seen religious articles that use this verse to prove that the resurrected Christ is a spirit, and in contrast, to prove that He has a body.

     There are also passages of scripture in the Bible that make perfect sense, but appear to be contradicted in other passages. Christian denominations tend to hold fast to a verse and make it part of doctrine, but do not always acknowledge the other verses that seem to say the opposite. Here are two examples of many:

    The Nature of God

    1. John 8:16-18, 28-29

    And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me. It is also written in your law,
     that the testimony of two men is true. I am one that bear witness of myself, and the Father that sent me beareth witness of me.

    Then said Jesus unto them, When ye have lifted up the Son of man, then shall ye know that I am he, and that I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me, I speak these
     things. And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.

    2. John 1:1

    In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

    The Means of Salvation

    1. James 2:20-26

    But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar? Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God. Ye see then how that
    by works a man is justified, and not by faith only. Likewise also was not Rahab the harlot justified by works, when she had received the messengers, and had sent them out another way. For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

    2. Romans 10: 9 -10

    That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth
     unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
    There are also many positions and practices amongst Christians of all faiths that are not mentioned in the Bible at all. Individuals and denominations have had to infer God’s will based on their interpretations of the Bible – e.g. contraception, abortion. Then there are things that are condemned in the Bible, but are thought by some to now be irrelevant due to changing times – e.g. chastity, modesty, divorce, traditional marriage. There are others, though, that hold strong to what the Bible says. Who is right?
    Yes, the Bible is true, but alone it has not brought Christians together in one Lord, one faith, one baptism (Ephesians 4:5).

    Here is a scripture verse I want you to consider in the same chapter of Ephesians (vs 11-15):

    And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;

     For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:
    Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
    That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
    But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

    Is Paul talking about himself and the other apostles following Christ’s resurrection? He could be, but most Christian religions strive to follow the words of these apostles as found in the New Testament. Nearly 2000 years later, Christians still do not have a unity of faith, and are nowhere near accomplishing it.

    I have done a lot of reading on what Christians believe about prophets. I have read articles where individuals really want to believe in prophets, and feel they are needed. They just don’t know where to find them.

    There is an even stronger conviction, though, that prophets no longer exist, that they were no longer called after the twelve original apostles died, and will never be called again. After Christ gave the higher law, and completed his work on the earth, He stopped speaking to the world. All of His word is in the Bible, and no other word is ever needed to help His children live Christ-like lives.
    For those of you who do believe there could be prophets, you might be worried about the Lord’s caution to beware of false prophets. Many Christians believe that because the Lord said that, that means all men professing to be prophets in these days must be frauds. That would especially be true if Christ no longer speaks, and there is no further revelation to bring forth.
    There are Christian churches that believe their spiritual leaders, though not prophets, do receive inspiration for interpreting God’s word as in the Bible. Thus, their interpretations would be the correct ones.
    We run back into the same question again: Which church is true, and how can we tell? Let me tell you a story of someone who had this question.

    In 1820, in Manchester, New York, a 14-year-old boy was looking for truth. In his town, the Methodist, Baptist and Presbyterian churches were promoting their religions, looking for followers. They were all very convincing, but spoke harshly of each other. They tried everything to denounce the other religions.

    This boy was a believer in God, and he wanted to align himself with one of these Christian faiths. He was overwhelmed, and uncertain of which church to join, as each church interpreted the Bible so differently. He said,

    What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be right, which is it, and how shall I know it?

    This boy started looking for an answer. One night, as he was studying his Bible, he found this verse in James 1:5-

    If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.


    This verse pierced him to the very soul, and he knew that if anyone needed wisdom from God, it was him. He decided that if James was right, he could receive his answer through prayer.

    Up until this point, the boy had never prayed vocally. He chose a beautiful, clear day in the Spring of that year to go out into the woods to pray aloud to God, and hopefully receive the answer he most desperately sought.

     

    The rest of the story is best told in his words:

    After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

     But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.
     It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!


    My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join.

    I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.

    My friends, this 14-year-old boy was Joseph Smith. He had a question and he asked of God. He asked with all the energy of his soul, yearning for an answer, willing to do what the Lord would ask of him. He received his answer – an answer he never expected, in a way he never would have dreamed. If Joseph, this poor, uneducated, farm boy, really did see God and Jesus Christ standing side by side, then Christianity could become one step closer to absolute truth, and to unity of faith, for the question of the nature of God was now answered. It was answered by Jesus Christ himself. I read through the most common Christian creeds, such as the Nicene Creed and the Apostolic Creed. They all claim the oneness of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. If untrue, those statements would be an abomination in the eyes of Christ and His father, though unbeknownst to the devout followers of Christ who lived by them.

    If this vision really happened, it shows a love of God and Christ for all people on the earth, that they want all people to be united, to know the full truth as God intended, and to bring forth  more knowledge to bring clarity, rather than continuous confusion.

    Joseph’s vision was not just for him. It would bring him great responsibility, as well as tremendous oppression and persecution for the remainder of his days. His name would be known for good and evil throughout the world, and still is to this day.

     

    Joseph Smith was called to be a prophet of God and to bring the fullness of Christ’s gospel to the world.

    This is the testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and mine. I do not ask you to believe it; I just ask you to open your minds to the fact that there could be prophets on the earth today. I believe God is a loving God and He does not want us to live in confusion. Christians today live in confusion, and often worry about how to respond to an increasingly wicked, godless world. Christians are not yet united in faith. The world is not yet united in faith.
    May God bless you in your search for truth.

  • One Step Enough for Me

    Last Saturday I went to Women’s Day, an annual event put on by my church, for women living in this area. Each sister that was there was able to sign up for three different classes of her choosing. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes, and am anxiously awaiting next year’s Women’s Day.In one of my classes, we learned about ways God speaks to us, how we receive the answers, how to recognize the answers, and what to do if we don’t think we have gotten an answer. It was such an uplifting class for me.

    As we went through these different points, my mind kept going back to a memory – an experience that happened to my family almost exactly a year ago. My husband had gotten a new job opportunity, which we felt was an answer to our prayers. We quickly realized, however, in just a short month’s time, that it was not the right path.

    For a while, we were confused. We thought we had received a spiritual prompting that Jad was supposed to take that retail management position.

    In class we talked about how sometimes we listen to our emotions, and assume it is the Holy Ghost speaking. I think in some ways this may have been the case with us. We didn’t do enough research on the job, and just blindly assumed everything would be  fine because we were so excited about the opportunity for change.

    In other ways, though, we really felt like the Lord brought that opportunity to Jad. He had been applying for jobs for years, and this was the first time he was contacted by a company (that wasn’t a sales company), was interviewed, and offered a job that fit his experience, with an ability for growth in the company.

    But it was the wrong decision, though…

    I learned a couple things in this class at Women’s Day that go along perfectly with this experience:

    The first is a quote by Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who said, “When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, Go will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision”(Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer, Ensign, May 2007).

    It was true. Jad and I felt very strongly after his first day of work (after a month of training), that this job was not right. We felt prompted that he should quit. We thank the Lord for giving us that prompting, and giving Jad the strength to listen to it.

    So, why did the Spirit tell Jad to take the job if it wasn’t right? Well, we watched this beautiful video in  class called Wrong Roads, a true story from the life of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, another apostle in my church. Watch the video for the full spiritual message, but in essence, he said that sometimes the Lord takes us in a direction that isn’t right so that we can quickly discern what is right.

    It’s true. We learned so quickly that retail was not the path Jad should go down. We stopped applying for retail manager jobs after that experience, and instead, researched different career paths Jad could take.

    We also learned other wonderful lessons from him taking and quitting that job, two of which were to be grateful for what we have, and to make more quality use of our time as a family.

    The lesson doesn’t end there, though. We learned which path wasn’t right, but it took us almost a year to find out which path was right. Why so long?

    Elder David A. Bednar, another apostle in my church, said something that makes it all make sense: “Most frequently, revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation” (The Spirit of Revelation, Ensign, May 2011).

    Heavenly Father wants us to be patient, to trust Him, to keep His commandments, and to continue to pray to Him earnestly.

    He also wants us to do our own work and research. In modern scripture to Joseph Smith, the Lord said, “But behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right” (Doctrine and Covenants 9:8).

    Jad and I had to do all of these things, and when we were ready, Heavenly Father prompted Jad on the next steps in his career.

    Retail wasn’t the answer, and getting another Bachelor’s degree wasn’t the answer. The answer Jad received was to go into the IT profession, in the field of networking. He searched out schools, and felt at peace with My Computer Career.

    It was a leap of faith, though. It is an expensive school. We had to take out a hefty loan. He had to figure out how to go to school but still run his store, knowing that he would not stay there much longer. He had to deal with family disgruntlement and lack of support. He and I knew, though, this was the right choice.

    Jad  has now been attending My Computer Career for two weeks. This is going to be at least a one-year schooling journey. It has been hard – the information has been coming quickly, and is a bit overwhelming for him. He is home much less and it is affecting time with our kids, and  with us as a couple. We are both much busier than ever before.

    There is a difference this time, though. In contrast with his retail position where we never saw any light ahead of us, we definitely know in this case that the Lord is there and lighting our way.

    In a video entitled Patterns of Light: Spirit of Revelation, Elder Bednar talked about three different patterns of light we receive as we get revelation. As Jad is in school, I can see that our pattern is that of a foggy day. There is just a little light ahead of us. If we just keep taking a few steps, though, the light will help us see far enough ahead that we can continue to press forward.

    We can’t see the end result yet. We don’t know when Jad will get an IT job, where, how much money, how it will affect our lives, etc., but we trust the Lord wholeheartedly that he will guide us in the right direction. We are so excited to see where this path leads our family.

    If you would like to read all about Jad’s retail management journey from 2013, read below:

    Have you ever called someone a quitter who left a job
    instead of sticking it out? Have you ever seen a messy store and assumed it was
    because of lazy employees and management? Have you ever thought badly about
    someone because of what someone else tells you? Well, I have a very interesting
    story to tell you about my husband, Jad.

    Ever since we have been married (four years next March), Jad
    has traveled out of town at least three days a week to work at his convenience
    store in Kinston. Though he has always been off work the other four days of the
    week, our family has found this arrangement very difficult, for several reasons.
    Because of this, for years we have prayed for another job to come along where
    Jad could have benefits and be home every night with his family.

    Well, in July and August, our dreams started to unfold.  Jad had an interview with a popular retail
    store to be the assistant manager at its Chapel Hill location. His interview
    process moved forward, and on August 12, he was offered the job. We prayed
    about it, and it just didn’t feel quite right. It wasn’t going to be quite
    enough money, and we thought his skills exceeded that of assistant manager.
     
    Jad told the district manager that he wasn’t going to take
    the job, and we were both surprised and excited when the district manager
    offered Jad to be the store manager of the Reidsville store. He told Jad that
    it was a large, lucrative store, full of loyal employees, and the best office
    manager around. Jad would be paid plenty of money as a manager, would have
    benefits, and would learn great skills he had not yet had the privilege of
    learning. We prayed about it and felt good about Jad accepting this job. So, he
    did.

    During the month of September, Jad trained to be a store
    manager in the Chapel Hill location. He was overwhelmed much of the time,
    worried he wouldn’t be trained in time. We didn’t see him much during
    September. We also couldn’t communicate with Jad during the day, but had to
    wait for him to call us and talk to us for maybe five minutes. We noticed both
    of us having less and less sleep, and less time together as a family. It wasn’t
    so bad, though, because Jad saw us each day, at least for a little while.
    Sometimes he only saw Casey for a few minutes before he went to school. The
    house got increasingly messier.  

    We kept reassuring ourselves it was going to be a raise and
    a good opportunity. Jad ended up needing an extra week to train. He completed
    his training successfully October 4.

    During the weeks Jad trained, we did not know how much money
    he would be paid once becoming a store manager. We didn’t know if he would be
    able to work with the retiring manager at the Reidsville store. We didn’t know
    what his schedule in Reidsville would be like. We didn’t like how we didn’t
    know these things in advance. At the conclusion of training, Jad was told that
    he would have one day with the newly retired manager and then the Reidsville
    store would be his starting the 8th of October.

    On the morning of the 7th, we were all excited
    for Jad to start his new job. I waited for him to call me all day to talk to me
    about it.  When he didn’t call me, I
    texted him instead. He said his day wasn’t going very well – that it was just
    too much. I encouraged him, saying I knew he could do it.
    That evening, I made his favorite dessert, knafeh, to
    celebrate. To my surprise and sadness, it was not a celebratory dessert after
    all, but more of a therapeutic one. The rest of the evening was filled with
    tears and sadness as we discussed the day’s events.

    Jad told me that the whole way home he just wanted to cry.
    The store was filthy beyond belief, with boxes everywhere, a disgusting carpet
    that wasn’t going to be replaced, a horrendous back room, no Christmas items
    set out, and a mess that would take weeks to clean up.

    At work, when the district manager for Reidsville walked him
    around the store, he pointed all these things out, all the while putting down
    the manager who just retired. Jad agreed there was much to be done, and felt
    confident he would be able to fix everything. Then, he talked to the manager
    himself. He got a different story.

    The newly retired manager told him how happy he was to be
    leaving that store. He said that he worked over 60 hours a week and worked hard
    all the time, but there weren’t enough employees to get anything done. Only a
    small percentage of store profit can go to Payroll, and the numbers are
    strictly enforced. Several of the employees at the Reidsville store have been
    there many years, and thus, make much more money than most cashiers would. Because
    of this, no extra help can be hired. Despite this, the retired manager had the
    same expectations put upon him, with no leniency or compassion of any kind.

    Jad got a different outlook then. After talking to the
    retired manager, he realized that this manager had to clean bathrooms and run a
    register, amongst other non-manager duties because there weren’t enough
    employees to do those things. A salary-paid employee gets paid the same no
    matter how many hours he works. Jad figured out that based on how many hours he
    would have to work, he’d only be making maybe $9 an hour. He’d also have to
    work at least two Sundays a month.
    In addition to working at least 60 hours a week (managers
    are only supposed to work 48-52 per week), he would have nearly an hour drive
    back and forth each day. Plus, he would only get a total of three days off
    during November and December each year, and would have no paid vacation until
    after his first year.

    Jad and I had a very long discussion about this whole
    situation. I told him he had to quit. As we kept talking, I knew that was what
    had to be done, and kept reiterating it. He was relieved, and told me he was
    worried that I would tell him to stick it out because of the money.

    It really wasn’t even an option for him to stay with this
    company. Jad wouldn’t be able to fulfill his church responsibilities – not his
    calling nor his home teaching. The kids and I would basically never see him.
    He’d miss out on all school and church activities. The house would stay messy
    forever… no, this was not going to work.

    We did consider the cons of him quitting. The only thing we
    could think of was how people would think about him for doing it. People might
    gossip. We decided that was not a good enough reason to stay with the company.

    Jad got excited about quitting. The next day was actually a
    big meeting with all the managers of his district, the district manager, and the
    district trainer. He said he would go to the meeting, get a final feel for if
    this job could work by talking to the district manager, and then quit if
    necessary.

    He left for Greensboro early Tuesday morning. On my way to
    the church class I teach, I got a phone call from Jad. He told me he was
    shaking from the inside and that he thought he caused a big stir. I asked him
    what happened. He then started to tell me of the morning’s events.

    When Jad first got to the meeting, he noticed all the
    managers were older. He found this peculiar. He had been told that he would
    have an opportunity for promotion. If that were the case, all the people in
    this room should have been promoted by now.

    After the first hour and half of the meeting, Jad felt
    prompted to start asking his fellow managers questions. He asked each of them
    how long they had been working at the company and how many hours they worked
    per week. On average, they had been working as managers for 15-20 years and
    were working about 60 hours a week or more. Jad asked them if they liked their
    job. Not one person said yes; they just looked at each other.

    One manager, who was a little younger, said she is at work
    more than she is at home. She has not been able to spend quality time with her
    children for 15 years.

    Jad went outside then to speak to the district manager. He
    asked the DM for 15% to use towards payroll or a significant pay increase. The
    DM said no, so Jad asked to speak to the whole group inside.

    He boldly stood up in front of everyone and said that he
    would not be working for this company because he would be a slave. He said he
    would rather spend time with his family than work all the time for more money.
    Throughout his speech, he told the managers to stop him if he said something
    wrong.

     Jad wasn’t afraid to
    tell everyone that this company wasn’t run in the right way.  There weren’t enough hours to give the employees,
    so the managers had to work for basically $9-$10 an hour.
    Jad firmly testified that money is not important. After we
    die, we only take our family and knowledge with us. His relationship with his
    family was much more important than any job. He reiterated that he would not be
    working for the company. He said it was nice to meet all of them, apologized
    for the trouble, and stated his name before handing the district manager the
    keys and heading to his van to come home.

    As he looked around the room before departing, he noticed
    the faces of those around him. He was surprised that the only person who looked
    upset was the district manager. Most of the other people had looks of
    understanding, or eye-opening awareness. One female manager even smiled at him
    and told him to go home to his family.

    I was proud of him, and we were both relieved for him to be
    going back to the job we so desperately wanted him to leave.

    Later we talked about all this. Why did we have to go
    through this experience? Why go through all that training just to quit a job
    after one day? Well, we actually learned much from this and are grateful we
    went through it:

    1.
    The grass isn’t always greener on the other
    side.
    2.
    What we had was actually good in many ways, and
    we should have acted more grateful instead of complaining. Jad’s work
    arrangement of going to Kinston three days a week is still not perfect, but we
    will be much more positive about it now.
    3.
    Quality family time is so important. Getting
    more money is not an excuse to take that away.
    4.
    Do sufficient research on what you are accepting
    before taking a job. Don’t just take someone’s word for it.
    5.
    Be careful of listening to the “flattering
    words” of others.
    6.
    Get both sides of all stories. Things are not
    always as they seem.
    7.
    When we thought we would not be spending much
    time together anymore, we thought of ways to spend more quality time as a
    family, and we will continue to implement those ideas.
    8.
    Only someone who was about to quit a job could
    speak so boldly as Jad did. Perhaps his words will influence a change in the
    company, or at least in the hearts of some who work there.


    Jad
    and I both thank our Heavenly Father for knowing what we need and how we need
    to be taught. 

  • The Monster and the Miracle

    August 28, 2011 was just like any normal Sunday. We went to church as usual, and had dinner at my parents’ house. Everything seemed fine. Then, that night, after we put the kids to bed, Jad started to get stomach pain. He said he felt like knives were stabbing him. He started to throw up, and he kept wailing in pain. He was freezing cold, but sweating too. He couldn’t even stand up. He just kneeled over the toilet and screamed that he needed to go to the hospital.

    I was very worried. I knew Jad wouldn’t say that unless something was really wrong. I couldn’t take him there because I had two children (one a young baby) asleep in their beds. I then thought of calling my brother, Aaron. He graciously accepted my plea to take Jad to the emergency room.

    When Aaron arrived, I had managed to get Jad down the stairs, but he was kneeling over the steps moaning, with a bucket nearby. It would have been comical, had it not been so disconcerting. I watched, feeling helpless, as Aaron slowly led Jad to his car and off to Durham Regional Hospital. Aaron told me he drove as fast as he could, recognizing just how bad it must be… Jad was a very tough person, and he could barely talk.

    I didn’t sleep well that night. I keep waiting for my phone to ring with an update. The only comfort was in knowing my brother was with him.

    Aaron related to me the events of that first night, and it made me even more grateful he was there. When they first got to the emergency room, nobody seemed to notice Jad could barely stand. While he was bombarded with paperwork, Aaron gingerly held up his body weight.

    When Jad got to a room, he was given an IV to remove the pain. Ridiculously, though, the nurse had to stab him many times before finding a vein. She kept apologizing, saying she was new. Jad didn’t seem to notice at first, but finally grunted in displeasure.

    Jad saw a doctor soon after, and after explaining his symptoms, the doctor recommended that he get a CT scan. Aaron and Jad were then told to sit tight until the doctors transferred shifts. That ended up being several hours. When the second doctor finally arrived, he confirmed the need for a CT scan. Jad had to drink a liquid in three doses to cleanse his body. A nurse was supposed to check on him to give him each dose, but she didn’t. Aaron took it upon himself to administer the liquid to Jad.

    Finally, he got the CT scan. Brian McDonald, someone we didn’t know then but do now from church, gave him this scan. The doctor came in to show Jad the x-ray, which showed a large growth on his liver. He told Jad grimly that he most likely had a cancerous tumor.

    At receiving this news, Jad wept. He did not want to die and leave his family alone. What would they do? He wasn’t ready to leave this earth yet.

    I am so grateful Aaron was with him to comfort him during this heartbreaking time.

    I came to the hospital the next morning after taking Casey to school. I asked for prayers from my friends and family, and held on to faith that all would be well. After all, they had not yet confirmed it was cancer.

     

    Rigel and I visiting Jad in the hospital.

     

    We were so blessed and grateful to soon hear that cancer was out of the list of possible diagnoses. If that huge growth were a malignant tumor, Jad would have been dead long ago. We breathed a sigh of relief, but longed to know what was really wrong.

    That whole day, we waited to know what was in his body. At one point, a whole room of doctors came in, and said they didn’t have an answer but were still working on it. All they knew was that he had something large, living, and growing inside of his liver. They said that Jad would have to have a lot of blood taken. Some of the blood would be sent to Maryland to be tested.

    We were so grateful for the visitors we received during all this waiting. It made it a little easier to endure.

    The following day, August 30, the doctors had a theory: Jad had a Middle-Eastern parasite that had been growing inside his body for years. They said his condition must be very rare since none of them had ever seen it before.

    Once the blood tests were sent off, Jad was able to return home to await a diagnosis. He would have to return to the hospital once the blood tests came back. The doctors said if the blood tests were inconclusive, he would have to have a liver biopsy.

    Exactly one week later, on September 6, Jad and I went to Duke University Hospital to get the news from Dr. Luke Chen, the Infectious Disease Specialist there. After about four hours at the hospital (most of it spent waiting), we got our answer: Jad had Echinococcus.

    Dr. Chen, a Chinese man with an Australian accent, drew pictures for us of what was going on in Jad’s liver. He had never actually seen anyone with Echinococcus before, but he said Jad must have had the disease for at least 10 years, based on the size of the cystic matter. He told us how this parasite can infect many organs, and that Jad was very lucky it was the liver, because the liver is the only body part that can regenerate itself. He also expressed relief that the infection manifested itself when it did, because it could have ruptured at any time, ending Jad’s life.

    A doctor in the Northeast told Dr. Chen about a patient she had had with Echinococcus. She said that if Jad needed surgery, it would be best for a cancer surgeon to operate. Dr. Chen told Jad that if he had surgery, Dr. Bryan Clary would be his surgeon. He had never operated on someone with this condition, but he was one of the best out there.

    He put Jad on a pill that is supposed to cure Echinoccocus (it had to be specially ordered), in the off chance that he could be cured. More realistically, though, Dr. Chen expected the medicine to just stop the cyst from growing. Jad had to be on this pill for two months before he could have surgery

    We left the office that day a little overwhelmed, but with faith all would be well. We really liked Dr. Chen, and knew Jad was in good hands. He was so interested in Jad’s case, and wanted to learn everything he could. He was also very friendly, helpful, and offered us as much information as possible. We could tell he cared about Jad’s well-being.

    After that appointment, we were really curious to find out how Jad got this infectious disease.

    Well, after some reflection with his mother, Salma, Jad figured it out:

    In the Spring of 1999, when Jad was 17 years old, he and many members of his family went to have a barbecue near a farming community on the Dead Sea. There were people on the street selling lettuce from their farms. Jad’s family ended up buying a large box of lettuce. Jad loves lettuce, so naturally, he started to eat it. One of his mother’s cousins said that the lettuce should probably be washed before it was eaten, but the consensus of the group was that if they just shook the lettuce off, it would be fine. His whole family ate the lettuce without a problem. That evening, though, Jad started to get very itchy. He also had bumps all over his body, and swelling. Salma took Jad to an urgent care to be checked out. The doctor attributed the bumps and itching to an allergic reaction. He gave Jad a shot to help with the itching and swelling. The shot worked, so Jad went home.

    This would not be the only time Jad had a reaction over the next few years.

    In summer 2002, when Jad was living in Port St. Lucie, FL, he had another reaction. He had gone out to eat and eaten a tuna salad. Late that night, he got very itchy, with bumps and swelling. His uncle Hani took him to the hospital, and the doctor said he probably had food poisoning. He was treated for that, and sent on his way.

    Jad’s uncle Hani complained to the restaurant about the food poisoning, but the restaurant did not want to take responsibility. The hospital recommended that Jad to go to an allergist to try to find an explanation for his symptoms. After the tests, the allergist told him he had no allergies at all. The restaurant still claimed it wasn’t food poisoning, but offered to pay for the allergist appointment.

    The following summer, something much worse happened. Jad had eaten dinner at home with his uncles William and Hani, and his other roommate, Ihan. Hani had made chicken wraps with large amounts of onion. After dinner, Jad felt bloated. That night, while he was sleeping, Jad got a huge stabbing pain in the right side of his body. He was terrified because he couldn’t feel or move his right side at all. William and Ihan quickly took him to the same hospital as the year before. The doctor was not that concerned about Jad’s condition, and said he just had bad gas. He gave him a lot of pain medication and pills for bloating.

    In late summer 2004, when Jad was in Jordan, something else happened. He got something called a Christmas Tree rash. It lasted for about 45 days. The doctor said it was very common and not dangerous – just an allergic reaction.

    Following that summer, Jad did not have any serious symptoms. He would just occasionally have pain under his ribcage. He always assumed it was gas.

    After we told Jad’s family that the issues he had all those years were due to Echinococcus, they started to do some research. They said that many people in Jordan over the years had gotten the same infection – many in their lungs – and there had been many deaths. Only in the past 6-7 years had Jordanian doctors finally started to get familiar with the disease.

    Did it bother you that all of these doctors just made assumptions instead of finding out the issue? Did you recognize, as we did, that had any of these hospitals done a CT scan, Jad could have easily been cured, with no need for surgery? We had a little frustration over this, but mostly just held on to our hopes that the Lord would bless Jad to make it through this, and that our family would come out stronger with lessons learned.

    Before surgery was scheduled, Jad had another CT scan, just to see what was going on in his liver. The cysts, as anticipated, were still there, as big as ever, but there had been no progression. Yes, Jad definitely needed surgery.

    He met with Dr. Clary to get options for the surgery, and to set a date. I wasn’t there for that appointment, but Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, accompanied him. Dr. Clary gave Jad two options: robotic surgery or invasive surgery. With robotic surgery, Jad would only have a couple small scars, but his risks of dying were higher. In contrast, invasive surgery would be less risky, but he would end up with a huge scar, and cold weather would cause him pain going forward. Dr. Clary let Jad choose, but made it clear which was the safer choice. Jad chose the invasive surgery option.

    Surgery was scheduled for November 10, 2011.

    You may wonder how Jad and I were feeling as the date approached. It’s interesting. Jad and I were never really that scared. We both knew everything was going to work out. We even went into it all with a positive attitude, looking for the benefits for our family. For example, here is my Facebook status post from November 4, 2011:

    Ah, I love my family so much! I can’t wait for Jad to come home tomorrow. Then we’ll be together every day for at least a month while Jad heals from surgery, which is next Thursday. I’m sure this experience will only bring us closer.

     

    A picture of our happy family just a couple weeks before the surgery.

    November 9 arrived, and I asked for my friends and family to pray that Jad’s surgery would go smoothly the following day. I received an outpouring of support, love and prayers. My friend, Jada, put a post on Facebook that brought me great peace. She said:

    Much love to Jad and the entire Al-Bjaly family. God has an army of angels to watch over you all. I pray with all my heart that His grace and mercy will be with you and that you will have peace throughout the entire process of surgery and recovery. Much love. Let me know if you need anything.

    We went to bed that night ready to face the day. We had to be at Duke Hospital really early in the morning, like around 5:30 AM. My mother was an angel to come to our home before we left, and take care of my sleeping children. She would get Casey off to school and then bring Rigel to the hospital to wait with me until the surgery was over.

    I remember riding the elevator together when we got to the hospital. We were going up into the unknown. We had only been married for less than two years, and here we were, going through something so serious, something we never would have expected. After Jad was prepped for surgery, I was taken back to wish him well and give him my love. The anesthesiologist said I needed to give him his “goodnight kiss.” I did just that, and then turned to leave him in the surgeon’s hands.

    It was amazing how many people were in the waiting room. They were all waiting for a loved one to come out of surgery. My mom and Rigel were with me the whole time, and we watched people. We even had a conversation here and there. I was never afraid. I was a little impatient, though, especially as the four-hour mark went by. He should have been done with his surgery by then. The minutes kept ticking, and I yearned to hear my name over the loud speaker to come get an update. At one point, I did go up and ask. The person at the desk inquired with Dr. Clary for me, and he just said the surgery was taking longer than expected.

    Tick tock. Tick tock. Late in the afternoon, Jad’s mom, Salma, aunt Rania, grandmother, Nada, and uncle Hani, came from Kinston to sit in the waiting room and show their support. They brought lots of Arabic cookies. Aaron came to visit too.

    After about eight hours, I got called up to the desk. The surgery was finally over. I gave a huge sigh of relief and contentment.

    Dr. Clary called all of us into this office to explain what he had found during the surgery. He said that he removed a mass about the size of a football from Jad’s body. The cysts had been attached to Jad’s diaphragm and gallbladder as well. Not only was most of Jad’s liver removed, but also his gallbladder. Removing the cystic matter from the diaphragm was very intricate work, causing the surgery to last so much longer than planned. We were shocked at all this, and even more grateful Jad was alive and well.

    My mom and Aaron headed home with Rigel, and I stayed behind with Jad’s family to be able to hopefully see him. After about an hour, I was the first to be able to see Jad. I was a little nervous walking down the long, cold hallway. When I approached my husband, he was moaning and could barely talk or keep his eyes open. He didn’t seem to quite know what was going on. Jad may not have realized I was there, but regardless, I held his hand, spoke sweetly to him, told him I loved him, and sweetly kissed his forehead.

    When I was with him, my first feelings were that of sympathy for my poor husband…but then I felt God’s love surrounding both of us. I knew that He was with us, and that Jad’s surgery went well because of faith and prayers, and because Jad had a special mission to perform for the Lord in this life. He would recover, and he would go forward in faith.

    It was hard to leave him, but I promised I would be back the next day. Jad’s family members took turns visiting him too. I saw tears as they re-entered the waiting room. We said our goodbyes, and left Jad at the hospital.
    He did not remember any of us visiting him that evening. Late that night, though, after I put the kids to bed, I got a phone call. A nurse from Duke told me that Jad had woken up and was asking for his wife. My heart broke a little, and I wished I could be with him. I promised I would be there the next morning.

    My cousin, Lisa, yet another angel in this story, came down from Virginia for several days to help watch my kids so that I could be with Jad as often as possible. I drove back and forth to Duke way more times than I ever thought I would in my life during the next six days. Often, Salma came with me. Other times, when Lisa wasn’t able to watch the kids, I would take Salma to the hospital, go home, and come get her later. I wanted someone with Jad as often as possible.

    When I first saw Jad that first day after surgery, I was so humbled. Seeing him that way, I realized how much we take our bodies for granted. He needed help with everything – eating, drinking, adjusting pillows – moving at all. As I observed his difficulty, I started to giggle – something I do when I am nervous or unsure. I think the nurse thought I was either really crazy or really insensitive. I actually was a little alarmed. I hadn’t expected him to be so bad off.

    Jad told me that the previous night he had a dream. I won’t recount the details, but it was a confirmation to him that there is life after death, and that it was not his time to go.

    Throughout the next few days, Jad slept a lot, and I read more books than I had in a long time. He also had to practice walking. The first time I walked with him, both Salma and I helped him, and he literally walked as slowly as a turtle. It was hard to walk that slowly, but I always held his hand.

    To quickly summarize Jad’s progress through November 16, the day he went home, here are my Facebook statuses for those days:

    Saturday, Nov 12 – For those of you who want an update on Jad, here it is: He will be in the hospital until at least Tuesday. He is lucid, but is still very tired and weak. He is also still in a lot of pain. He has gotten up and walked around a couple times, but it’s really hard for him. We were told this is the worst day for him, so hopefully it only goes up from here. He can have visitors any time, as long as they are 12 or older. He is in room 4115 at Duke University Hospital.

    Sunday, Nov 13 – Jad was feeling much better today. He isn’t hooked up to all the tubes anymore. It is still really hard to get up and walk, and he still sleeps a lot, but he is definitely getting better. Hopefully tomorrow he can get out of the hospital gown and put on some real clothes. I know he’s looking forward to it.

    I believe this was the only day Jad saw Casey and Rigel during his hospital stay. My mom brought them to Duke, and we talked to Jad in the hallway. He was still in his hospital gown. The kids couldn’t go into his room, which is why he had to venture out. It was so nice to have us all together, even just for a little while.

    Tuesday, Nov 15 – Jad is feeling much better today and after today, no more tubes. He should be going home tomorrow or Thursday. It’s still hard to walk and move a lot because of pain, but hopefully that will get better in a couple weeks.

    Wednesday, Nov 16 – I am so proud of Jad. I walked into his hospital room this morning, and he had gotten a shower, shaved, gotten dressed, and done his hair all by himself. AND, he is coming home today!!!!

    It sounds kind of silly to say I was proud of him for doing normal things, but honestly, after such an intense surgery, the ability for him to do anything on his own was impressive.

    Later that day, I was able to bring Jad home. I was thrilled. I had longed for our family to be together again. I remember going to get the van, and waiting by the front for him to come out. I kept looking and looking. Such joy overcame me as I saw him being wheeled out of the hospital. After being assisted into the van very slowly, we started our journey back home and to recovery. I felt bad because I know that he was in so much pain the whole way home, but he tried to be strong. When we got home, it took us several minutes to get him out of the car, down the steps, and down the walkway to our townhome. Each step was a victory.

    The first thing he wanted once he got situated on the couch was Jello with pineapple in it. He had really enjoyed his Jello at the hospital. He had been on the “bland diet”, so that was the most exciting food he had eaten there.

    The next week or two were very hard on me. I was taking care of my husband and my two children by myself. We so appreciated the meals our friends brought to us, as well as the love and support from everyone. Going up the stairs was really hard for Jad for a while, and he had to sleep sitting up with lots of pillows around him. Slowly, though, the pain started to lessen and the wounds started to heal.

     

    The first picture of Jad holding Rigel after his surgery.

     

    The family on Thanksgiving Day, not long after the surgery.

    Now, Jad is healthy and life is back to normal. We will never forget that time of our lives, though, for we learned so many lessons:

    We knew that the scare that Jad had was a blessing from God, for without it, he may have eventually died from a ruptured cyst.

    We gained a stronger testimony of the Word of Wisdom. Jad quit drinking in 2008, when he was investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He used to drink every night. Had he kept drinking, he very well may have died from his infection, because his liver would have been completely destroyed.

    We received a second confirmation that leaving my job was the right thing to do. It had been really hard for me to adjust to not working, but, had I still been working when all this was going on with Jad, I would not have been able to be with him and help him through it. Those times in the hospital, and the weeks following, were such a tender experience for us. I needed to be with him during that time.

    We found one more reason that Jad was supposed to live in North Carolina: excellent doctors and surgeons who would take the time to properly diagnose him and operate on him.

    We felt so much love from family and friends. We will always remember the kindness, generosity, faith and prayers.

    Most importantly, we felt God’s love for us. We knew He was with Jad, that He was always with Jad. This was all part of the plan, and He prepared a way for him to survive, from moving to United States, to joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to moving to North Carolina. This trial he faced was only a test. It would make him stronger, and was for his good.

    Maybe it is a good thing Jad has such a large scar. It is a constant and profound reminder that miracles do happen.

     

    ***If you would like to see pictures of Jad’s liver, see below. If you get queasy easily, you probably shouldn’t scroll any further. Enjoy!***

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Don’t try to be hot. Try to be you.

    My mind has been going to modesty lately, and I realize I have a lot of experiences and thoughts I would like to share with you to help you see just how crucial it is.

    Members of my church think about modesty on a daily basis. You usually won’t see active Mormons wearing short skirts, low-cut tops, saggy pants, or even sleeveless attire. Why?

    Here is some of the official reasoning from the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

    Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is. You can show that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ.


    Prophets of God have always counseled His children to dress modestly. The way you dress is a reflection of what you are on the inside. Your dress and grooming send messages about you to others and influence the way you and others act. When you are well groomed and modestly dressed, you invite the companionship of the Spirit and can exercise a good influence on those around you.

    Never lower your dress standards for any occasion. Doing so sends the message that you are using your body to get attention and approval and that modesty is important only when it is convenient. (For the Strength of Youth: Dress and Appearance)

    I was also interested to see what the dictionary defines modestly as. A couple ways dictionary.com defines modesty are:

    1. Freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
    2. Regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
    I love these definitions, because they go so perfectly with the standards of my church. The way we dress does matter. It affects what others think about us; it reflects our own feelings of self-worth; it brings different kinds of attention.
    I really believe that vanity plays a huge part in how we choose to dress. There are certain ways to dress that will definitely be great for our egos. I like the second definition too, though, because modestly isn’t just about dress. Our speech and behavior can be immodest as well. Let me tell you some stories from my life to help illustrate this:
    As a little girl, there were certain clothes I liked better than others, and I would choose my clothing accordingly. All kids are that way. It wasn’t until middle school, however, that I felt pressured to dress and look and act differently than I would naturally choose to.
    I started 6th grade not really caring a whole lot how I looked. I remember wearing my mom’s old shirts that she didn’t want anymore. They were obviously too large for me. I also remember wearing some boy clothes because they were more comfortable. I was happy in this style (or lack thereof), until kids started to talk. I remember one day I wore a casual pink dress to school and paired it with dark blue Tweety Bird tennis shoes. A girl in Technology class laughed at me and said that my clothes didn’t match. On another occasion, I was wearing my favorite long-sleeved pink shirt with a satin pink bear on the front. Someone remarked rudely that I always wore the same shirt, and didn’t I have anything else to wear. I told that person I wore that shirt often because I loved it, but from that day on I made sure to wear it less.
    At 11 years old I was starting to learn that clothes mattered. People were going to either praise you or make fun of you for your clothing choices. At some point in that year I noticed that girls were starting to wear make up. I soon found some old blush of my mom’s in our hall closet, took it secretly, and then started to put blush on my cheeks after gym class every day so I would look prettier.
    Then after a summer, my parents took me to get new clothes and I started 7th grade. I remember sitting down in one of my classes and a boy saying a little too loudly for a whisper, “That’s Mandy? She looks different. She looks good!” I was wondering why that boy was saying that, but I blushed a little, excited to be looked at so differently than the year before. I recall that year making more certain I looked pretty at school. I even rolled up my shorts sometimes to make them just a little shorter. I wanted to get the attention the other pretty girls were getting. At that age, girls were starting to develop, and noticing I didn’t have much, I started to stuff my bra. I am not sure if someone told me to do that, or if I came up with it on my own, but I did it. I also took some large hoop earrings that my mom didn’t want me to wear, and wore them to school. I also remember on the days I wore button-down shirts, unbuttoning them from both ends so I showed way more skin that I should have. Why did I do all this? I knew it was wrong because on my walk home after getting off the bus, I would take off the earrings, remove the stuffing, and button my shirt. I was starting to learn that girls who dressed like that got more attention from the boys. That’s why. I liked not being the nerd anymore.
    I think I calmed down a bit in 8th grade. I wasn’t stuffing my bra anymore, but boys were still talking about breast sizes on the bus. I remember one day there were a couple boys pointing to different girls and yelling out a letter – a guess at cup size. I got embarrassed. I started thinking about it. I didn’t stuff my bra again, but I did make sure to pull my shirt down in the front whenever I could to make it look like I had something there. One day after school, right after I had gotten home from the bus, I got a phone call from a boy in my neighborhood. He told me I had looked extra hot that day, and he was wondering if I wanted to come to his house and make out. I was horrified. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t dressed like that so that boys would want to do stuff with me. I was doing it because I wanted to be pretty and just wanted attention from the boys. I didn’t know they were thinking about that. I turned him down saying I wasn’t like that. I never told my mom about it, but oh had I wished she had been home when I got home from school that day.
    In high school, I dressed pretty modestly. I think the incident in 8th grade woke me up a bit. Plus, in high school, kids just weren’t as mean. I actually was shocked when girls I knew from church would go to school and change their clothes in order to show off more skin. It really bothered me, actually. At the end of my junior year, I went to the Senior class dance because I was a Junior Marshall. One of my church friends, a Senior, came to the dance in a halter top and mini skirt. I couldn’t understand it, and I was upset by it.
    I was a little vain in high school, though. There was a time (Freshman year, maybe?) when I had to check my face almost constantly to make sure it looked good. I would hook my powder case to the drawstring in my gym shorts just so I could check my face periodically. Every time before I went up to the front of the class, I would have to check my face too. I didn’t want to look ugly and be laughed at.
    Though I dressed modestly in high school, my behavior didn’t stay so modest. Being in the theater program introduced me to a whole different way of behaving. I will say I was probably really good my Freshman through Junior year, but my Senior year was when I had my first kiss. I was in a musical called Pippin and I had to kiss the boy playing Pippin. I didn’t know this when I got the part, and freaked out when I realized I had to. I was also freaked out that I had to get under bedcovers with him in one scene. My parents laughed when I told them about it, probably because they knew I was so anxious about it and could be trusted;  I ended up performing in the musical.

    After having my first kiss during a rehearsal on stage, and then practicing kissing for months, I got pretty good at it. That opened me up to other boys wanting to kiss me, you know, just acting. I remember I would kiss random boys for fun. I just got way more comfortable with boys in general. That lead me to not always having modest behavior. Teenage boys like girls that will show them affection. Teens expect each other to have boyfriends or girlfriends. If you don’t, you are lame. Some of my friends had very immodest speech. They would talk about making out, and even sex. I couldn’t believe some of my friends were having sex. People would ask me about my sex life at school, and at work too. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so I would either be silent, or say that was personal. Was my speech modest? Well, it wasn’t immodest, but I probably led people to believe I was doing things I wasn’t.

    After high school, I started going to the Singles Ward – a Mormon congregation for Singles. I met MEN there. No more boys. Immediately I got the attention of men 3-5 years older than me. In high school, you were lucky to get the attention of someone one year older. I started dating. There was one guy after an activity who told me, as he drove me home, that he would stop the car right then and make out with me. I told him no because I had already kissed a guy that day. No joke. I had actually threatened a guy I had talked to most of that activity that he was being annoying and that if he didn’t stop, I would kiss him. He didn’t believe me. Well, I am a woman of my word… That annoying man and I actually dated for a  few weeks, and he was the first man I ever “fell in love” with. He would spend time with me, kiss me, and take me out, only to break my heart when he went back to school.
    After my first love left, I started dating again here and there. One evening, a guy who I had just been out on a date with, and who had given me a ride to an activity, asked me if I wanted to fog up the windows. I didn’t even know what he meant at the time. If I had, I would have been tempted to smack him and never talk to him again. You can see from these early adult experiences, I was still pretty naïve. The immodest people were the men I was going out with. But, I was getting a feel for why they liked me. I started to assume again that men only liked girls who were attractive to them. During my time before I went off to college, I really fell for a guy. He was so funny and sweet, and good looking. I remember one time at an activity I gave him a hug and lifted my leg around his waist to be funny. Thinking back, I have no idea why I did that. That wasn’t appropriate at all, and he told me he didn’t want me to do it. Mixed messages. So hard to figure out what behavior was best.
    Then I went off to college in Utah. From my first day there, I had men flocking to me. I went out on a date my first night after Institute (scripture class). I dated a lot of guys my first semester in college. They would all tell me how pretty I was. Many of them would try to put their arm around me or kiss me way before I was ready – sometimes I wasn’t even attracted to them. One evening, I went to a guy’s house to play games with his other friends. During one of the games, it came out that one of the guys loved my legs. I wasn’t wearing a short skirt, but he still felt he had to mention that. After the games were over, everyone went home, but the guy whose house we were at asked me to stay to talk. He told me he cared about me. He spoke words that made me want to stay with him a little longer. He gave me clothes to change into to be more comfortable.  He took advantage of me – of my innocence, naivety and trustworthiness.
    During this first semester, there was one man, only one, who treated me like a real person. He admired me for my personality – for being me. He didn’t spend all the time telling me how pretty I was. I was not attracted to him for months, but he kept being my friend and helping me. He never pressured me to date him. Then one day, I realized that I was in love with him. He was someone who saw passed physicality. He didn’t try to get me to engage in immodest behavior. I ended up marrying him… and ironically, he had a pornography addiction. What a conundrum.
    So, after two years of marriage, I was single again. I felt the lowest self-esteem I had ever felt. I was heavier because of having a baby. I was way too young to be divorced. I was desperate to find someone else. I expressed that desperation probably more than I realized, and it turned men off.
    I worked hard to lose all my baby weight, and that helped my confidence a bit. I started to try to look prettier, “hot,” even. I dated around. That seemed to help some of the men look passed my past and go out with me. None of the men I dated were right for me, though.
    At work, I started noticing that I got some attention on the days when men around me liked the way I looked. I don’t know why, but these men had no filter and would tell me straight up if they liked the way my butt looked in certain jeans, etc. One Halloween, I dressed up as Miss Scarlett because the supervisors in my department were doing a live Clue game. One of the IT men, an older man in a wheel chair, told me how much he liked how I looked. I don’t remember his exact words, just that he really found me attractive, and that I threw up a little knowing that. The outfit I wore wasn’t revealing, but looking back, your clothes don’t have to be revealing to be immodest. They don’t have to be revealing to get men’s attention. There are certain colors, fits and fabrics that make the men look a little harder and a little longer.
    Towards the end of 2007, I became good friends with a couple new people I met at work. We called ourselves “The Trio.” By the beginning of 2008 I realized I had strong feelings for the male in this trio. He wasn’t a member of my church, and I figured his values weren’t the same, but I felt this overwhelming desire to be with him. One night, he and I went to an art show that my work told us about. He went willingly because he loved art and was an artist himself.
    We had a wonderful time, and decided to watch a movie at his apartment afterwards. I didn’t think anything of it because we were just friends. He was so nice and rubbed my feet for me during the whole movie, and afterwards, I was ready to go home. He told me how attracted he was to me. I found this as a complete shock because he had never told me he had feelings for me.
    Well, he ended up kissing me. It didn’t take long, though, before he said nobody could know because I was a supervisor and he wasn’t. For months, I went through a roller coaster “relationship” with him. He kept telling me that we weren’t right together, but he was just so attracted to me at the same time. I found myself not dressing as modestly as I should. It wasn’t that I was wearing really revealing clothing either. I just made sure to show just a little bit of cleavage, wear really beautiful and flattering clothes everyday, and walk, talk, speak and look at him just right. Where did I learn how to do all that? I still don’t know. But I knew how to swing my hips just right, bend over at the right moments, ask him about how hot I looked that day, smile with my eyebrow raised and my lips pursed. That was how I got him to stay along with me, and not totally let go.  Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t playing him. I was madly in love with him, in fact. I wanted to marry him. He knew my son and got along well with him. I helped him get a promotion at work. I talked to him about religion all the time. He, however, even though he said he loved me, treated me like a doll. He would put me on the shelf whenever he was done with me. He would act tenderly with me, and then turn around and tell me we couldn’t be together.  It was terrible. We ended up never really being together as a steady couple.
    I realized throughout that time, though, that other men looked at me a certain way when I looked good. They would follow me with their eyes, almost hungrily. It was a little creepy at first, but then I learned to relish it because at least I was getting attention. Maybe some of the other women at work were even jealous of me.
    I got out of this phase when I met another man (a member of my church) a couple months after my work love ended. I never felt a need to talk, act, or dress immodestly with him. However, I still tried to look “hot” most of the time so that he would stay attracted to me. I guess I never really realized he grew to love me for me, and not how I looked. My relationship with him didn’t work out, though, because of personality issues and goal differences.
     Then I met my wonderful future husband, Jad. When I first met him, we were at a church dance. He had a very strong accent and I didn’t understand him well. All I knew was he was really handsome, knew how to dress, and smelled amazing. My first attraction to Jad was looks (and smell). His first attraction to me was also looks, so he tells me.
    The thing that was different was that our relationship never dwelled on our looks. He fell in love with me and I him for reasons having nothing to do with looks. He accepted my past without judgment. I wanted to look beautiful for him when we were first getting to know each other, but I never felt I had to look perfect. We went out and did activities where I didn’t always look my best. He loved me anyway. I never dressed immodestly with him. I never spoke that way, or acted that way either. In fact, I never liked it when he would call me “hot” or some other word like that. I was different. I think after my work love, I realized that when someone said he loved you, it wasn’t always love. Sometimes it was lust, and it stemmed from immodesty.
    I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years. You might be wondering if I have let myself go. No, I haven’t , actually. I still care about my appearance, but I don’t wear make up every day, and I don’t take nearly as long to get ready anymore. I don’t leave the house every day making sure I look “hot” or “sexy” before I get in the car.
    No, I don’t care about looking “hot” anymore because I have learned from all the experiences I just told you that when someone’s goal is to look “hot,” a lot of things happen:
    She forgets who she really is and what makes her special, and starts to become something she isn’t. She starts to make looks a priority, becoming vain. She desires men to desire her, and is often successful. She is viewed outwardly so penetratingly, people assume that is who she is inwardly. She starts to make poor choices because she does not have the Holy Ghost right there with her warning her of temptation and testifying to her of truth.
    There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, sophisticated, beautiful, or well-dressed. It is not vain to take care of yourself, and to help express on the outside who you are on the inside. There is something wrong, though, with turning away your self-respect just to gain attention. Your outside should match who you want to be on the inside.
    When I dressed immodestly, or acted or spoke as such, that wasn’t me. I am not by nature a vain, selfish, immoral person. I was starting to become that way, though.  I also found myself being different in different places. I was a hypocrite. I didn’t want my fellow church members, or my parents, seeing me act that way. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. I care now, and that is why I have written all this.
    The stories I told each of you are very personal, and at times embarrassing. I told them so that you can see what I have come to know. I want the young girls, just starting to feel the pressure, to know that they should remain true to themselves. Don’t change your clothes, speech, or behavior to try to be popular or to get attention. Be you, and be the best you!