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  • This Is The Desire Of My Heart

       

    This is the desire of our hearts. (Mosiah 18:11)

    This little line has brought an abundance of the Spirit and tears to my eyes this afternoon.

    I was reading about the Prophet Abinadi and the beautiful truths he taught about Jesus Christ to wicked King Noah and his priests. Alma, one of the priests, believed Abinadi’s words, and after Abinadi was put to death for refusing to deny that Christ would come to the earth and redeem his people, Alma preached to the people privately, bringing many to the knowledge of the Messiah.

    One day, he gathers with 204 other souls at the waters of Mormon to baptize them, having authority to do so. This is what he said:

    And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; 

    Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn ; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the… 

    Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you? 

    That is when the people clapped their hands with joy, and said This is the desire of our hearts. 

    I thought of the covenants I made at baptism as I read Alma’s admonitions to them. I made the same covenants these 204 people made at the waters of Mormon in around 147 BC!

    I want it to always be a desire of my heart to be in the fold of God, to be His child, to bear burdens, mourn and comfort, and to stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

    Friends, I am so very grateful that I have been reading The Book of Mormon as part of our prophet’s, Russell M. Nelson’s challenge to the women of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I began this challenge October 7, and I feel so blessed and nourished to already be on page 183 in my reading. I have never read The Book of Mormon this fast, and I will be done just after Christmas.

    I have never felt more strongly about my testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon until taking this challenge. I have always known it to be true, but, reading so much of it at once, I have been able to really get the meat of the messages and truly learn from them. Every time I read an account, I think that it can’t get much better than this, but then another account is just as precious.

    Anyone who is a critic of The Book of Mormon has never read it with the right mindset or a softened heart. How can you read a book that is filled to the brim with scripture verses about faith, repentance, good works, commandments, obedience, forgiveness, sacrifice, good verses evil, and covenants that all surround teachings about Jesus Christ – his birth, miracles, teachings, death, resurrection, second coming, the judgement, and eternal life with Him- and not be touched to the very core? How can you say it isn’t the word of God?

    The prophets of The Book of Mormon loved the words of Isaiah, and quoted him often because of his prophesies of Jesus Christ.

    There is so much about the Jews and their scattering, and then gathering. There are prophesies about the promised land (the Americas), and how God orchestrated so many things in our history just so that His gospel could be restored and so that the Jews could someday come to a knowledge of their Redeemer.

    The Book of Mormon was written to be a partner with the Bible in bringing the world to a knowledge that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that only through Him can we be saved. It does not replace the Bible. It is a perfect complement to the Bible.

    I have so many verses underlined and starred from my reading so far, and I wish I could put all of them to memory or put them in frames on my walls. The Book of Mormon is a treasure to me, and I know if I live by the words of the prophets, most importantly the Savior Himself, who visited the people of Ancient America after his resurrection, that I will be able to withstand Satan’s temptations, stand spiritually strong in an increasingly wicked world, and share light with others.

    Jesus visiting the Americas

    The desire of my heart right now is to help others feel the joy I feel as I read The Book of Mormon. You can read it online, download the Gospel Library app and listen to it, or get a free copy.

    There is a promise from the Prophet Moroni at the end of the Book of Mormon (Moroni 10:3-6):

    Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

    And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truthof it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

    And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

    And whatsoever thing is good is just and true; wherefore, nothing that is good denieth the Christ, but acknowledgeth that he is.

    The Book of Mormon is full of stories about how God is merciful, and it does nothing but acknowledge the Christ and that He lives. I promise you, as Moroni did, that if you prayerfully read The Book of Mormon with an open heart, that you will feel the Holy Ghost testify to you that it is true. You will know even more than you already do that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God, and that He lived, died, and rose again for you and me. We can be saved through Him. That is the key message of The Book of Mormon.

    Please read it. I know you will love it as I do.

    This is my favorite prophetic message about The Book of Mormon. Watch it, and feel the Spirit. You will want to read this powerful, true word of God.

  • Savior, May I Love My Brother (And Sister)

    Sometimes we hurt. We have feelings of loneliness, frustration, confusion, embarrassment, defeat, or ostracism, all wrapped up in a bow of harsh judgments.

    It is heart-wrenching, and it leads to headaches, depression, and lots of crying.

    Sometimes the tears are from those who have been wronged, and sometimes the tears are from those who were judged harshly of doing wrong when they meant no harm.

    I have found more and more that Satan doesn’t just prey on us, tempting us to sin. No, quite often, he feeds on our emotional weaknesses, tempting us to be overly offended, unforgiving, critical, and on the other side, so downtrodden and defeated that we can’t shine our light anymore.

    The latter strategy of Satan is growing in intensity, and it is so sly and brilliant of him, seeing as how the two greatest commandments are about love – loving God, and loving each other, including ourselves:

    Mark 12:30-31And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

    And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

    Without love, there cannot be peace. Christ is the Prince of Peace. Satan wants to destroy our peace, and he is doing a good job of it, isn’t he?

    One of my favorite hymns at church is Lord, I Would Follow Thee.

    1. Savior, may I learn to love thee,

    Walk the path that thou hast shown,

    Pause to help and lift another,

    Finding strength beyond my own.

    Savior, may I learn to love thee–

    Lord, I would follow thee. 

    2. Who am I to judge another

    When I walk imperfectly?

    In the quiet heart is hidden

    Sorrow that the eye can’t see.

    Who am I to judge another?

    Lord, I would follow thee.

    3. I would be my brother’s keeper;

    I would learn the healer’s art.

    To the wounded and the weary

    I would show a gentle heart.

    I would be my brother’s keeper–

    Lord, I would follow thee.

    4. Savior, may I love my brother

    As I know thou lovest me,

    Find in thee my strength, my beacon,

    For thy servant I would be.

    Savior, may I love my brother–

    Lord, I would follow thee.

    This song is all about loving and serving our fellow brothers and sisters, and thus loving, following and serving our Lord.

    This song always brings the Spirit into my heart. It is Truth. This is how we need to be to be like Him.

    There is a reason why the Lord loves the little children so much, why He taught us to be like them. It is because they love unconditionally. That love doesn’t change when you make a mistake or when you hurt their feelings. That love is strong and constant, and they are always discerning of how you feel, wanting to make you feel better. They hug and kiss with such tenderness that you are certain that they love you – you never have to second guess. They also want to make things right when they hurt you – they don’t blame you for their wrongdoings. They genuinely want you to be pleased with them, and so they apologize and try to be better.

    We all need to be like that. It is really hard, though, because our natural selves want to be right, want justice, want others to be hurt the way we have been hurt, and don’t like apologizing or finding out truth beyond our own perspectives.

    I know this can be overcome. This is the best way to become like Christ. This is how we attain true charity for one another.

    I have a long way to go to reach this too. I certainly am not perfect. But, I do try very hard to forgive and not hold grudges, even when it would be so easy and seemingly justified to do so.  For me, the way to get through these hurts has always been to try to see them as God sees them, and as they could be, not what a snapshot of their life has shown me.

    Back to me not being perfect. It has come to my attention that recently I offended some people by something I said in church. It breaks my heart to know that, and I am genuinely and deeply sorry. I can say with full sincerity that no offense or criticism was meant. It was just me following advice that though it worked well for some audiences, apparently did not work well for the one I was in. It was an ignorant misjudgment, but there was no ill intent. Again, I am sorry, and I would be more than happy to discuss it with anyone who was offended. I can promise you that your perceptions of that one moment are not who I am. I would give anything to take that moment back, but since I can’t, I want to make it right going forward. Please allow me that second chance. I would be so grateful to you.

    There are always two or more sides to a story, and the side of the person deemed as the offender often goes overlooked. Talking directly to the person who hurt you can help so much. The worst that can happen is that  that person doesn’t apologize or take responsibility, but the best that can happen is that wounds can be healed and friendships mended and strengthened. Since most of us are trying to live good lives and be good people, my hope would be that the best would happen more often than the worst.

    I have so much love in my heart for God and for my fellow brothers and sisters. I am a very tender-hearted person though, so my hurts run very deep, sending me sometimes into a depression. It takes me time to process and heal, and realize that I can rise above and be the person God knows I am. I am not my mistakes, whether they are intentional or unintentional. I am not unloved, though I may feel that way. Even if nobody else in the whole world loved me, my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ always will. The Holy Spirit loves me too – He is the one who brings that beautiful reminder to my heart.

    If you are like me and are feeling hurt, for whatever reason, I know that love is the answer. Love can be found in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Satan wants to win – he wants to steal your joy. Don’t let him. And don’t let him tell you that others are unworthy of your love either – everybody on this earth is worthy of love, even the most difficult and unkind people of all.

    My heart reaches out in love and pleading to any I have hurt. Please forgive me. I love you and I know God loves you. I know that we can make it through and find goodness in each other.

    Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive. Let us truly be our brother’s and sister’s keeper. It will change our lives and the world.

  • A Man I Want to Be Like

    Tears are streaming down my face. I haven’t blogged in quite some time due to having no time, but I have felt that I needed to write a little about President Thomas S. Monson. He was the beloved President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for nearly 10 years, until his spirit left his body on January 2, 2018.

    I am crying because I just watched a short clip about him and his life. I loved this man. I never met him, but I loved him. I loved his example, his teachings, his amazing stories, and his loving and fun personality. He lit up every room and brought a smile to anyone around him.

    Watch the video and read more about him so you can feel his love surrounding you. I truly believe that he loved all of God’s children, whether he met them or not, because he truly loved God.

    By now, most people have heard that the New York Times obituary for President Monson was very unkind and disrespectful. It did not emulate who he was at all, and members of the LDS faith have been very saddened and upset by this display. Many have signed a petition for an apology to be written – I have also signed it.

    But, something I want to say is that no matter what a journalist at the NYT thinks, no matter what anyone who reads that obituary thinks, it doesn’t change who this great man was. It doesn’t change the love that his friends, family, and church family feel for him. It does not change the fact that He was a humble, devoted, ever-faithful servant to His Heavenly Father and to His Savior, Jesus Christ. And it certainly does not change or affect his eternal destiny in any way.

    Our beloved President Monson has been reunited with his beloved Frances. He is continuing his work on the other side, and he is happy.

    I don’t believe that President Monson would want us to vilify this journalist, either. He would instead offer us this gentle reminder:

    Those of us who love him don’t have to worry. The Lord’s church will continue to roll forth, despite misconception, hate and lies. The Lord has already won, and we must remember what our Savior said in the Sermon on the Mount:

    Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matt. 5:10.)

    It will be alright. I know it will. I know that as members of our faith truly live as Christ lived – humbly and obediently with love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness, that the true nature of our religion and those good men who lead and guide our church, will be brought forth to those who are searching and willing to hear.

    Take this example of President Monson and apply it to your own life. People may think unkind things of you. They may even persecute you, but always remember that God loves you no matter what. Remember that you have nobody to answer to except Him. You are a Child of God with individual worth, and a divine destiny to fulfil. Nobody you know, or don’t know, can take that away from you, even if they are powerful members of society.

    Thomas S. Monson’s legacy will live on, and his life will continue to touch others for many years to come. I pray that I can be half the person that he was, and still is.

    The last message he was able to give to the people of the church and the world was this:

    My family has always studied the Book of Mormon each night, but since April 2017, we have begun our study with a prayer. We know it has blessed our family, and we will continue to do it forever.

    I love and sustain those that the Lord calls to lead and guide His church, and I will strive to emulate their example. I will not let negativity take away the joy and peace I feel at President Monson’s memory, or anyone else who I revere.

    God be with you ’til we meet again, dear President Monson!

     

     

  • I may not be your friend right now, but I still love you

    Those of you who know me well know that I love people. I want to be friends with everyone I meet, and I do care what people think of me. I try to be honest, kind and service-oriented.  If you need anything, I will do my very best to help, and if I can’t, I feel bad about it and want to make it up to you. I am not perfect, but if I do something wrong, I will apologize.  The idea of someone thinking badly of me breaks my heart.

    I have many faults, but this is one area where I have strength.

    There have been a couple instances in my life where I have lost a friend. One I still don’t know why. I miss her and wish we could be friends again. I have reached out to her multiple times over the years without any type of explanation. It saddens me.

    In the other instance, I chose to end the friendship, at least temporarily. This person and I have been friends and have had great experiences together since we met several years ago. She said and did hurtful things multiple times in those years, but I always forgave her and moved on. However, a few months ago, she laid heavy accusations and unkind words at the feet of someone I love very much. This person was confused and upset by these accusations, and did not deserve them in any way.

    Due to this, I had to choose between one loved one and the other. I chose the one who was blameless, but said that if my friend would apologize and make things right, I would happily be her friend again.

    Unfortunately, since that time several months ago, this good friend of mine has said very unkind things about me on Facebook and to others. She has also contacted my husband many times with passive aggressive comments about me and my family.

    Most recently, she said that she forgave my loved one for what she did wrong. Perhaps this made me the most upset of all, as the whole reason why we stopped being friends is because she accused my loved one of doing something she absolutely did not do, and called her horrible names.

    I have tried very hard to forgive this person, and honestly, I want nothing more than to be her friend again. I love her, and I do think back to the wonderful interactions we have had, and the service we have rendered to one another. But, I can’t bring myself to be a friend with someone who thinks I am a hypocrite, talks about me behind my back, and continues to believe something about my loved one that isn’t true.

    Why am I telling you all this? Well, perhaps one of you have felt down-trodden due to something similar, where someone you care about has betrayed your friendship or trust, where someone puts hear-say or pride above truth and love.

    I feel for you. It is a horrible feeling. It is especially difficult when you cannot avoid that person’s presence.

    This whole situation eats at me, and I really want to make it right. Sometimes you can’t, though. When someone has made up her mind about you irrationally, what can you really do to change it?

    What I have to do is remember that the names I am called do not describe or define me. My conscience is clear and my intent true. I must defend what I know is right, and the ones I love.

    The Lord has commanded us to always forgive, and I will continue to forgive. This does not require me, however, to rebuild a relationship that will only cause harm to me.

    I felt that I must get this off my chest, and if any of my readers and friends needs to talk to someone about something similar, please feel free to contact me. I will do my best to listen and to reach out with love and encouragement.

    I do feel it is important for me not to condemn and judge this person with finality. I am still open to being her friend again, as I know that change can happen for anyone through the atonement of Christ. My door is always open if one chooses to knock gently.

    Each of us is a child of God and is of infinite value to Him. We all need friends and we all need love. We must choose our friends wisely, and for those who hurt us, may we pray for them and wish them understanding, comfort, and a softened heart.

    To this friend, I say that I love you, and have never stopped.  I am frustrated and hurt, but that can change if you wish it to.

  • A joyful but difficult year

    I remember the day I turned 22. It was only a couple months after my divorce was finalized, and a month after I had moved to North Carolina to live with my parents (along with my nearly 1-year-old son, Casey). At that point, I had been attending the LDS Singles Ward (congregation) in Chapel Hill, and had made a handful of friends. Some of them took me for ice cream that night, and I remember saying that I felt old being 22. As ridiculous as that sounds, I think I must have felt old because of all that had happened to me in my life up until that point.

    That year was one of the hardest of my life, trying to figure out who I was again, seeing where I fit in and who would accept me, and looking for the path that would lead me out of my current, difficult situation.

    I didn’t remember at that time that I was a beloved daughter of God, that He loved me no matter my circumstances, that I should be grateful for my experiences, and that I was indeed blessed. It took me a lot of time not to define myself by things I couldn’t control.

    I may have felt old at age 22, but since then, as I have aged, I haven’t concentrated on getting older, but rather, getting wiser.

    I am 33 today. Eleven years ago, I would have freaked out about turning this age. Honestly, though, these last 11 years have included some of the most important, difficult, and miraculous experiences of my life: finding an excellent job, dating and getting remarried, quitting the job I loved after having our first child together, having faith that my husband would survive a surgery that would remove a huge mass of his liver, buying our first house, bearing a son early and unexpectedly in the master bathroom at home, taking a leap of faith and taking steps for my husband to completely change careers by going back to school, and finally having our baby girl, though prematurely.

    Those are only some of the experiences I will never forget for the rest of my life that have happened in the last 11 years. I can’t express how much each of those experiences means to me. They have each strengthened my faith in Christ, and helped me remember how much God loves me, and how much His hand guides my life, and the lives of my family members.

    That being said, though, this past year has also been one of the hardest of my life. First, though, I must express how it has been one of the most joyful at the same time: I had the pleasure of planning for a baby girl to arrive in my home, and I got to deliver her, bond with her in the hospital, and then take her home and enjoy raising her. Eve has brought so much joy to our home, joy that we all truly needed. She has brought a tenderness to my boys that I didn’t realize they had.

    Why was year 32 so hard, then? Well, during pregnancy, I gained more weight than I ever have, while trying very hard not to do so. Since having Eve, I have tried to lose weight, and was successful in losing 20 pounds, only to find out I just gained nearly all of it back on vacation. It has been so hard for me to lose my baby weight, and I often feel so gross. My confidence has been low. For a while, I gained some confidence back after finding a clothing line I felt beautiful in. But then, I found myself buying way too much, and that turned into a temporary shopping addiction that I had to work really hard to overcome. Thankfully, I have.

    I also haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all this past year, not to mention I have also been busier than I have ever been in my life (hence why I never blog anymore). Having four kids is no joke, especially when you have two boys that fight all the time, and a baby girl, though precious, who wants you to hold her and give her attention all day long.

    Being busy and sleepy leads to more eating as a way to cope with stress, doesn’t it? Well, at least it does for me. I think that is why I am having such a hard time getting healthy again.

    I have been down quite a bit this year. I have never been one to be depressed. I am usually the type of person who is there cheering other people up and having a positive outlook on life. I can be that person still, but sometimes I find myself saying things I know aren’t true (like, I am the ugliest person on earth, for example) and I sometimes just cry and can’t deal with everything around me. Yes, life is hard right now.

    The good thing is, that in moments of peace and clarity, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I will eventually get healthy again, as I always do. I know that as my kids continue to get older, that they will grow out of some very frustrating stages. I know that my husband loves me (even when I irrationally think otherwise), and that he will be there for me through it all. Most of all, I know what I learned years ago, that I am a beloved daughter of God, that He loves me and wants me to have joy.

    I pray that age 33 gets a little easier, but if it doesn’t, I know the Lord will help me endure what comes. I also know that through the lessons I learn, I can help others. I try to focus on the positives as much as I can. I have my beautiful family, my husband moving up in his career, loving friends and extended family, a good home and all the necessities of life, and most importantly, the gospel of Jesus Christ.

    If any of my friends or family is struggling right now, just know that though I am also struggling, I am here for you. I am always willing to lend an ear, a hand, or an embrace.

    Here is to another year. I look forward to what it will bring, good and bad. I know I can do anything with the Lord’s help, as can you.

  • Tender Mercies on a Trip

    A little over a month ago, we went on a little family vacation to Williamsburg, VA. We had a lot of fun, as we always do, but what will be most memorable to me this time, are the tender mercies of the Lord that we saw all throughout our trip.

    In case you don’t know what tender mercies are, Elder David A. Bednar, one of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, defined them as thus:

    “…the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.”

    As I read that definition, tears came to my eyes at the love that my Savior has for my family and me. Some things just aren’t coincidences. Let me speak to you about some of the tender mercies we felt strongly on our last vacation:

    Friday, March 31

    Tire – One day before we left on vacation, Jad went to Sheetz to fill up the van tires with air. One of the tires was low on pressure. It was 7pm, and he was wondering if there was still time to get the tire checked out. He had a feeling something might happen. It was too late to take the van anywhere, but Jad made sure the spare tire was full of air. The next day, Jad had a feeling before we got to Virginia that something was going to happen with the car –  it had been running a little weird. When we got to a toll near Richmond, Jad had a sudden feeling that the tire would soon blow up. He drove slowly after the toll. Not even a minute after that, the left rear tire blew up. We were about 100 feet from a bridge. Jad drove slowly under the bridge and stopped. It was pouring down rain, so he was able to stay dry while putting the spare tire on. While we were stopped, I was able to nurse Eve in just the right amount of time. And we were actually quite close to a Sam’s Club, where we were able to get all of the tires replaced for a good price. We had lunch, looked around, and got some books, etc. with a gift card we got as a deal for replacing all four tires. We were at Sam’s for a long time, but everything worked out.

    Bounce House – There is a fun bounce house place in Williamsburg.  The kids were having a blast. We had brought the baby carrier in to make it easier to carry Eve around. Jad volunteered to carry her around. At one point, he went to sit down in a plastic reclining chair. The chair must have had a crack in it, because he suddenly crashed to the ground with Eve. She cried out of fear, but was she was okay! Thank goodness she was strapped to her dad, or else who knows what could have happened.

    Saturday, April 1

    Deal – This was the day we went to Busch Gardens. We knew before we went to Williamsburg that we wanted to go to Busch Gardens, but because of price, I knew we needed to find a good deal. I looked for quite some time before our trip. At one point, there was a $20 off coupon per person online. I tried to get tickets that way, but the transaction didn’t go through. I am glad it didn’t, because a couple days later, a 50% off Groupon appeared!

    Traffic – That morning was a slow morning, and we ended up leaving the resort later than we needed to. To add to that, there was awful traffic getting in. We waited for about 30 minutes to get into the park. Because we were going so slow, though, I was able to nurse Eve. We also scored free parking, which normally costs $15  (everyone got it to speed up entrance into the park). We were meeting my cousins there. I had been stressed out because they had gotten to the park way before us. We were quite surprised when we ended up parking at the same time in the same parking lot just a few rows from each other.

    We were so happy to have them with us, and even though there was a ton of traffic going in, overall, the lines and crowds were not bad, and we had a great day!

    The right place at the right time – Because of where we parked, we ended up on a different side of the park than usual. This ended up working perfectly, for when it was dark, we ended up at Sesame Street, where the kids were able to ride some of their favorite rides over and over again without lines.

    Sunday, April 2

    Nap – We missed the LDS General Conference sessions the day before, so were really happy to be able to watch the sessions this day. I was a little worried about watching conference with four kids, including a baby. Well, though Eve hardly ever naps, she actually napped all through the first session of conference. As a bonus, the boys were actually pretty good during both sessions.

    Monday, April 3

    Meeting someone new – Monday morning we went to eat at a restaurant for breakfast. I had chosen it based on reviews and location. Interestingly, we ended up being seated next to an LDS family. We could tell because the dad was wearing a BYU shirt. Of course, we had to ask if they were Mormon, and of course they were. We promptly started talking. We found out that they were from Wyoming, and also that they knew the family that were the main characters of The Cokeville Miracle, a movie Jad and I watched just the night before. “That’s just too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence (a popular line from the movie, and so true in this experience).” We had a great conversation with them and were so happy we got to meet them. Imagine if we had gone to a different restaurant or had come at a different time. Some things are meant to be.

    Even though I had very little time to plan this trip, it turned out great and we did everything we had wanted to do. That was a first for us.

    I hope you can see some of these experiences as true tender mercies. I know for sure that they were, and Jad agrees with me whole-heartedly. I know God loves His children, and I know that He cares about our joys and safety, even in the smallest of ways. I am grateful we had these marvelous experiences all in a row on this trip to Williamsburg!

     

  • Are you done??

    So, most of you know I have four kids now: Casey (almost 12), Rigel (6), Kamren (almost 4), and Eve (nearly 5 months).

    When people see me with all of my kids, or when people talk to Jad and find out he has four kids, the question inevitably arises, “Are you done having kids?”

    Sometimes the tone sounds more like, “You are done having kids, right??” Other people will just smile and say, “Well, you have your girl now, so you can be done!”

    To me, this “Are you done” question is one of the hardest questions I have been asked, and continue to get asked. There is something so final if you say “Yes,” isn’t there?

    I find myself debating back and forth sometimes. For those of you who have been asked similar questions, here might be some of the arguments people give you for each stance:

    Be Done                                                                                                                                    Don’t Be Done

    You are getting older.

    Think of your past health and labor issues.

    Can you even handle all the kids you have?

    Kids are expensive.

    Don’t you want to lose weight and stay thin?

    Pregnancy is so hard on the body.

    You will be really old when your last kid goes off to college.

    **************************************************************

    Notice how the Not Done list is blank? That’s because people don’t usually encourage you to have more when you already have four, or a perceived other large number of kids.

    Has anyone else had this experience? I mean, the reasons to be done are quite logical. The problem is, the feeling of whether or not you are done having kids isn’t necessarily logical. So, what should we do? Follow our brains or our hearts?

    For me, it isn’t as much about what my brain tells me, as it is about what I feel. My husband and I feel the same way.

    So, when people ask us, “Are you done?” we just say “We don’t know yet.” Really? Oh…

    I wish I could say that I have had a strong feeling one way or another about it. I haven’t, and neither has my husband. We may at some point in the next couple years, but we are leaving our options open.

    Would I like to be able to get past that baby phase of life? In some ways, yes. In others, no way. It would be nice to not have to change diapers anymore,  and be able to have consistent sleep. It would also be nice to get rid of all the baby stuff and have all my kids in school.

    But, then the other side of me is worried that this will be the last opportunity I will have to see what a new baby of ours looks like, to hold that baby in my arms for the first time, to snuggle and sing to that baby, and to teach him/her everything I know.

    That is why I am leaving it up to the Lord. I have always done that. I felt very strongly, after being married to my first husband for nine months, that it was time to have a baby. I thank the Lord I listened to that prompting, else my first born had never been born. Rigel was meant to be with us, as we got pregnant with him so quickly after marriage. With Kamren, we both felt it was time to have another baby. And with Eve, I knew before Jad, and once he knew, it took nine months to get pregnant with her. In each situation of conception, it was clear what God’s will was. It was also clear in each and every delivery, that God was with us all along the way.

    It is up to you, your spouse, and the Lord as to how many children you will have and when. If you have a large family, and feel pressured to stop having kids, don’t let it bother you. Perhaps that advice with help you, but if you aren’t feeling it, that is fine. Just be patient and wait on the Lord’s promptings.

    I certainly have had days where I feel I couldn’t feel any more joy than I feel right now with my beautiful, precious, Eve. She is truly the sunshine of my life. Then, there are other days when my husband asks me what another child of ours would look like, and I feel that wonder arise within me.

    We are taking it one day at a time. We don’t owe anybody an answer right now, and neither do you, if that is your situation. Only you and your spouse and the Lord know what is best for your family. I pray that my husband and I, and your spouse and you, make the decisions that will be most in line with God’s will, always.

     

     

  • When you don’t feel beautiful

    I have spent a lot of time crying this pregnancy. Some of it has been tears of joy as I finally got pregnant after nearly a year of trying, or finding out that I was finally having a little girl after preparing myself to have a fourth boy. I wish I could say my tears were all joyful, but too many of them have not been.

    During my second trimester, I was overly sensitive and everything bothered me. I found myself bursting into tears, thinking certain people in my life hated me, or didn’t love me. I still sometimes have episodes like that.

    Lately, though, most of my tears, sadness, and even low self-esteem have come from being the biggest I have ever been when pregnant. I weigh so much more than I ever have, I have gained more weight than I ever have, I have been so much more swollen than I ever have, and because of that, I often feel ugly and gross. What’s ironic is that this pregnancy I have been the most physically active, and most mentally prepared to be better in my eating and exercise habits. Alas, though, regardless of how active I tried to be or how well I ate, my weight has kept piling on…and I am only 33.5 weeks.

    Yep, I feel pretty sorry for myself quite often. Last week, my family did a series of day trips, and nearly every picture of me had me groaning in disbelief at how awful I looked. Ah, look at my fat neck, or fat thighs, or never-ending belly rolls. My husband didn’t like me deleting or cropping myself out of pictures, so I kept some, even if I felt I still looked bad.

    Why am I saying all this? I promise it isn’t for pity. Maybe I want you to know I am self-aware that I don’t look healthy. But, mostly, (believe it or not), it is to help me focus on what matters most. I know in my head that outward beauty is insignificant. I don’t usually judge myself on my looks, and I am sure most of us don’t completely. But, something happens to us when we don’t look like we know we can or should. We are our own worst critics, and our self-criticism eats at us until we sob in despair at a moment’s notice and call ourselves names, forgetting who we really are and all we offer.

    The other day, I posted a picture of myself from when I was 18 on Facebook and Instagram.

    me-timehop
    This was actually 14 years ago. Oddly, I thought my hips were too big even then.

    I didn’t think anything of it really. It wasn’t a “woe is me” post, or a “look how good I used to look post”, but just a nonchalant wish of looking like that again. I was surprised at some of the comments I got:

    1. I have those same thoughts about me! Then I look at my amazing kids, and I’m happy to trade the better body for them…

    2. Beautiful then and now. The thing I noticed first about you when I moved into our ward is how you always have a smile on your face. You definitely glow.

    3. Lovely, but it is good to remember there are so many more important things than our size. You are a truly beautiful person! Always!

    I hadn’t posted that picture looking for comments like that, but you know what? I needed them. I needed to be reminded that beauty is not in our outward appearances alone, but most importantly, in our deeds, our words, our characters, and our hearts.

    These comments reminded me of a post a friend of mine did earlier in the month. She asked:

    Why is it the most beautiful women are the most insecure? If they only knew…

    I responded:

    Maybe they realize outer beauty isn’t lasting or most important. Maybe they don’t know what else they can offer. I wish everyone knew it was heart, character and actions that make you attractive and confident.

    She agreed and sweetly said:

    Exactly!! That’s one reason I find you beautiful… You’re so kind and caring!

    I was so grateful for her comment. Sometimes I don’t realize that people see good attributes in me. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes – that nobody can see who we really are – that perhaps they are judging us on our outwards looks and clothing and talents alone? I wanted to make sure this friend knew she was beautiful too, and that I appreciated her:

    Aw, you are sweet! As are you! You have an infectious, cheerful smile. People need to see it!

    So, yes! I am a huge believer that beauty shines in our countenances. It comes from the inside out. I have always cherished this scripture:

    But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). 

     

    tumblr_nthsqiiiph1rys633o1_500

    You know what I just realized? When I spend all this effort and energy feeling sorry for myself and how awful I look, my countenance doesn’t shine. On the contrary, it exhibits nothing but clouds, rain, and darkness. SATAN wants me to feel this way. He wants me to focus on what is “wrong” with me physically so I don’t take the time to build myself spiritually. He wants me to feel sorry for myself so that I feel like I have nothing to contribute, that people don’t want to be around me, and that I can’t be trusted in taking care of others since I clearly don’t take care of myself.

    If you are reading this and feeling like I have been feeling, let’s give each other a virtual hug. Let’s think about what we love about each other. Let’s truly look on the heart – our own hearts and the hearts of those around us. Let’s encourage each other to remember our worth. Let’s help each other remember that the Lord will test us throughout our lives, and that those tests ultimately lead to cherished lessons.

    The lessons I believe the Lord is trying to teach me during this trial are that:

    1. I need to focus on the joy this pregnancy is bringing me, not the pain (physical and emotional).
    2. I must keep a spiritual perspective on beauty and worth (mine and others) because that is what He does.
    3. I have to hold close to those who love me most, and know they love me no matter what.

    No matter what our reasons are for feeling less than beautiful, may we strive to remember that God defines beauty differently. What does your heart look like? Keep it clean and pure and strong. This is what matters to Him.

     

  • I Love Primary Children

    There are a lot of things that set my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, apart from other churches. One big one is that our church congregations are run by its members. We do not hire our spiritual leaders, teachers, choristers, custodians, pianists, etc. The members are asked to, or called, to do these responsibilities for a time. These callings are given through inspiration, and as members, we are given the opportunity to accept those calls.

    In December 2014, I was called to be the Primary Secretary in my ward (congregation). Primary is the organization for children in my church. We have a Nursery program for ages 18 months to 3, and then the official Primary program for ages 3-11.

    When I first was extended the call, I admit I wasn’t excited. I had done this calling before in another ward, and it was mostly paperwork and organizational stuff. But, I accepted the calling out of obedience, and a willingness to serve in whatever way I could.

    Fast forward to September 18, 2016, the day I, and the rest of the Primary presidency of my ward, got released from our duties. It was the day of our yearly Primary Program, where the children ages 3-11 get up in front of our congregation to sing songs they have learned all year, and present speaking parts about spiritual topics also learned that year. The day of the Primary Program is one of my favorite Sundays each year, and this past one was extra special because it would be my last one in the presidency.

    I was so proud of the children, and my love for them spilled out through my tears. I couldn’t hold back the emotion that day as I was released. I sat quietly during my last Sunday in the Primary room with them, sad I would be leaving them, and that I wouldn’t be able to teach them anymore.

    In the past year and nine months, I have learned so much from these wonderful Primary children, and from serving as Primary Secretary. It is a calling I am so grateful I had because, not only was I able to assist in keeping our Primary dealings organized, I was able to collaborate with the other sisters in my presidency on many issues, like activities, callings, and needs of children. I was also able to teach the children periodically (my favorite part), sing the songs with them, and just get to know and love each child.

    Here are some of the things I  admire about the Mebane Ward Primary children:

    1. They are helpful. When something falls, or there are chairs to be put away, there are kids always willing to lend a hand.
    2. They love to participate. Some of the kids would come to me asking, sometimes practically begging, to say a prayer, recite a scripture, or give a talk. Others would get upset if not asked to participate enough as sticks were pulled out of the bucket to choose helpers.
    3. They like to tell stories about their lives – and usually those stories correlate with the lesson. I loved hearing about the kids’ missionary, service, or family experiences. They often brought tears to my eyes.
    4. They are loving and compassionate. One little boy always wanted to give me a hug each week. I always looked forward to those hugs and his sweet voice. I can think of a couple times, too, where I got emotional in Primary after teaching a lesson and bearing my testimony. There would inevitably be kids who wanted to make sure I was okay, and I loved them even more than I already had before.
    5. They work well in competitive scenarios. Once, I was substituting as chorister, and the kids were singing very quietly. I told them that I could hear myself over all of them. I admitted I sing loud, but with that big group, they should have been able to at least sing as loud as me. And you know what? They rose to the challenge and sang their little hearts out. After that time, I often reminded them they could sing as loud as Sister Al-Bjaly.
    6. They have a hard time sitting still and staying quiet sometimes. Why did I admire this? Well, in the moment, maybe I didn’t. But, it helped me gain some understanding and patience as I realized that these are good kids – it is just really hard to stay reverent for three hours at church. It brought perspective as I thought about adults who can’t sit still or stay quiet that long either. For all we expect of them, they really do a fine job.
    7. They try even when they are afraid. My heart melted over and over seeing the little ones get up, sometimes for the first time, to the podium to deliver their talks, prayers or scriptures. Sometimes, they wouldn’t say a word, but would lean on their parents for support. Even when their parents would say their part for them, I was so proud of them just for getting up there. I know adults who won’t give talks or prayers in church, but these little ones will at least get up and try.
    8. They find joy in singing. Well, maybe not all of them, but most of those kids really open up through song. They haven’t gotten to an age yet where their singing voices embarrass them, and they think they aren’t good enough to sing. No, regardless of singing talent or even knowing the words, most of the kids sing, sing, sing. And I love it!
    9. They have good parents who teach them the gospel of Christ. This was incredibly apparent to me, especially as I taught lessons. I was amazed at how knowledgeable the kids were about the scriptures and their heroes, how many answers they knew without thinking, and how many spiritual experiences they recognized in their lives and in the lives of their families.
    10. They feel and recognize the Holy Ghost. Even though there were definitely some days where the kids were loud and seemingly out of control, sometimes they would hush. They would become contemplative. They would get serene looks on their faces. I recall more than once at the end of a lesson (sharing time) or singing time, the kids would be uncharacteristically quiet. It was a beautiful noise, because it accompanied feelings of God’s love and peace. One time, (I think it was the last time I taught them), I ended my lesson by singing a duet of I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus with one of our talented young 10-year-old ladies. I felt the Spirit as I sang with her, and as we finished, you could hear a pin drop. It wasn’t necessarily our voices, but the praises we sang, that helped the children feel that Jesus really does love them, and that we can all be like Him.

    I just love Primary. I felt Heavenly Father’s and Jesus’s love for them and for me over and over again as I sat and watched them, helped them, taught them, or sang with them. It has been hard the last few weeks not being with them, but I know the Lord has another responsibility waiting for me. I will do my best to fulfill whatever it is, for I know it will be for my spiritual good.

    Thank you, dear Mebane Ward Primary children, for all you have done for me! You are special children of God!

    i-am-a-child-of-god