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  • The Recipe for Eternity

    I taught a class on building an eternal marriage to the women in my congregation, as well as in  a larger event for women in my church. I wanted to make the class interesting, easy to remember, and fun. I would like to share my lesson with you so you can have this discussion and do this activity with your spouse. 

    To create the tastiest concoctions, we must use the very best ingredients, taking our time to cook with love. The same is true to create the most joyous marriages, and the Lord has given us the perfect recipe to make our marriages eternal.

    The ingredients were created with the marriage relationship in mind, but the corresponding attributes and actions apply to all people, and to all relationships.

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    So, in any good baking recipe, you start with a bowl. Notice the roundness of the rim. This will represent the never-ending bond of marriage and family – the sealing covenant. The bowl must be clean, representing the holiness of that covenant.

    Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called ‘incomprehensible joy.’”

    Elder Hafen also talked about the difference between a contract of marriage and a covenant.  Think about those differences as we discuss the recipe for eternity:

    Contract

    1. You walk away from your troubles.
    2. You do your part only when the other does.
    3. 50/50 effort

    Covenant:

    1. When troubles come, you endure them together.
    2. 100/100 effort.
    3. You sustain and lift each other in times of trial.
    4. You obey God and sacrifice for each other.
    5. You need and sustain each other.
    6. You are given the strength to give your life for your sheep (spouse, child)
    7. You are bound to each other and to the Lord.

    Ready for the ingredients? The first is: Well-packed Time. In the real recipe, it is packed brown sugar.

    Our days and weeks likely are packed. But, we can prioritize our time well to maximize the happiness for ourselves, and those in our homes.

    President Uchtdorf said: “Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home.”

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    Time is so hard, isn’t it? There is never enough time because there is so much to do from errands to keeping house to spending time with family to church responsibilities to work and more. So, what do we do when we have completely full schedules? How do we find time to do all of our chores and spend time with our spouses and families? Any ideas?

    Sometimes, it is more quality than quantity. Plan time, and make sure it is a relaxing time where you can focus on your love for each other and not outside distractions.

    You can also spend time together without being alone together, through:

    • Texts/phone calls
    • Stealing smiles and laughs while doing responsibilities together
    • Holding hands when out and about.

    Also, learn to simplify and say no. If you already have a full plate, be honest with yourself. Don’t add more on. Ask yourself: does this help my family or my marriage? Does this strengthen my testimony? Can someone else do this? Is this necessary?

    Talk to your spouse about priorities. What is most important? It should be God, spouse and family. Set expectations with each other and do your best.

    But, are the issues with time we talked about all there is? What about not having enough time for yourself? What about not having time to make yourself look the way you want to, or to do the hobbies you love, or to spend time with friends? Have you ever felt that way?

    So, we need time for those we love, but also for ourselves. Taking time for yourself can really help you be a better wife, mother and person. You have more to give when you are able to sustain yourself. Discuss this need with your spouse, and plan times for each of you to have “you” time.

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    The next ingredient is Softened Answers, or for the recipe, softened butter.

    The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

    What are some examples of soft communication?

    Ex: Compliments, showing interest, rejoicing in accomplishments, showing appreciation for labors, apologizing when wrong, saying I love you. In prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for spouse.

    There are so many things that we need to discuss as couples, things that could become arguments if not done with soft answers, from making/changing traditions, to important life decisions, to methods of raising children, to trouble with friends or family, to personal desires, thoughts, and dreams.

    When talking about all these things, we will have different opinions, which could lead to arguments if not done right.

    To avoid contention/fights:

    • Listen to each other’s opinions completely and without judgment. Validate those feelings rather than refute them.
    • Speak your mind, rather than stay silent, because silence can lead to future fights.
    • Study both options, and perhaps others.
    • Pray about the resolution and listen for the answer.

    Even with our best efforts, sometimes we won’t say the right things or react the right way. And sometimes our spouse won’t.

    Elder Bednar counseled, “When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”

    We could explode in these situations, or we can breathe, express our feelings, and remember we love our spouse and are on the same team.

    Sometimes we will get irritated with our spouse’s behaviors and habits. We feel tempted to tell our friends about it, so they can tell us how right we are and how wrong he is. But this fills us with bitterness, pride, and blinds us from our own faults.

    Absolutely talk about your concerns, but only to the one person who needs to hear them. Take time and give space if needed, but always talk about it. Try to understand how each other feels, and don’t turn conversation around to dote on the other’s faults. Take responsibility for behavior and words, and apologize.

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    Next, you add in Pure Love of Christ, or pure vanilla extract.

    Pres Uchtdorf said, “…no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.

    Whatever problems your family is facing…the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle. With it, even families with great challenges succeed.

    The great enemy of charity is pride. Pride is short-tempered, unkind, and envious. Pride exaggerates its own strength and ignores the virtues of others. Pride is selfish and easily provoked. Pride assumes evil intent where there is none and hides its own weaknesses behind clever excuses. Pride is cynical, pessimistic, angry, and impatient. Indeed, if charity is the pure love of Christ, then pride is the defining characteristic of Satan.

    Love in the fabric of the plan of salvation is selfless and seeks the well-being of others. That is the love our Heavenly Father has for us.”

    What are some charitable characteristics you love about your spouse?

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    The next ingredient is whole devotion, or whole milk.

     “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto
    her and none else. “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after
    her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents
    not he shall be cast out” (    Doctrine and Covenants 42:22-23).

    What are some methods you use to make sure you do not lust after other men?

    Examples – I will not compare my husband to other men and wish he was more like them/ I will not read books or magazines, watch movies or videos, or listen to music that spark sexual feelings from within.

    Pres Uchtdorf said,  “Somehow, as the days multiply and the color of romantic love changes, there are some who slowly stop thinking of each other’s happiness and start noticing the little faults. In such an environment, some are enticed by the tragic conclusion that their spouse isn’t smart enough, fun enough, or young enough. And somehow they get the idea that this gives them justification to start looking elsewhere.

    In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship. That is the goal.”

    How can you show your devotion to your spouse? Examples – trust and accept him, be honest with him always, always remember why you fell in love…

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    Next is the Salt of the Earth, as a representation for salt.

    Matthew 5:13 – Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.

    Christ is speaking to His covenant people who have been baptized in His name. They are called to be this salt of the earth.

    Carlos E. Asay said,  “The word savor denotes taste, pleasing flavor, interesting quality, and high repute. That is, it is clean, pure, uncontaminated, and useful…Savor is lost through mixture and contamination.”

    He gave examples of losing savor (or purity) – pornography, lies, drug, alcohol, bad language, etc. Then he gave advice:  “If it is not clean, do not think it; if it is not true, do not speak it; if it is not good, do not do it.” King Benjamin cautioned, “Watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God” (Mosiah 4:30).

    How can we help our spouses and ourselves become more pure?

    We should share our sins and weaknesses with each other to help us become one and help each other maintain our savor. If we don’t admit our faults, it is harder to overcome them, and we continue to lose our savor.

    If spouses are working hard to live the gospel and remain clean, then they will be more useful to the Lord, to each other, and to their families. And living righteously will help us come closer to God, and closer to eternal life.

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    Next we add the Bread of Life, or flour.

    John 6:35 – And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.

    Draw a triangle with wife on the bottom left, husband on the bottom right, and God on the top – The closer we come to the Lord, the closer we come to each other. Notice if one of us moves from the Lord, if we also move from the Lord, we go further away from our spouse, not closer.

     Elder John A. Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue.”

    There are many desirable qualities in a spouse, but the ones that matter most are the ones that mirror the Savior.

    So, we need to put God first. How can we do that first individually and as a couple?

    Christ, through his atonement, not only can make us clean from our sins, but lighten our burdens and make our weaknesses strengths. But, we must go to Him for help.

    “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

    As couples and families, we will go through trials over the years. If we come unto Christ together, pray for help, and keep the commandments, Christ will help us through all of our trials. I have a testimony that the trials my family and I have been through have only strengthened our testimonies and brought us closer together. Does anyone have any examples?

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    Add in Sweet Service, or chocolate chips.

    When you are married, your spouse’s needs, wants, and happiness should be as important to you as your own.

    What are some ways you serve your spouse?

    Examples:

    • Learn about and support your spouse’s interests and hobbies.
    • Do nice things for each other, like write love notes, plan a surprise, do something without being asked, give a massage, be the one to get up and do something when you are both tired. If you give what you want to receive, your spouse will feel your love and want to do likewise.
    • Be sensitive to moods, desires, energy levels, and work load. That way, you can discern each other’s needs better. (breaks, relaxing, give up time if something important needs to happen)
    • Stop what we are doing and just listen. Be interested in how your spouse’s day was. Talk about it. Offer comfort and support. Be positive.
    • Help each other with responsibilities. It could be tempting to say that it is his job, so I shouldn’t have to help. By getting up and helping with chores, your spouse can feel that you enjoy being with him regardless of what you are doing. If you see a need, do it rather than wait for your spouse to do it. This will be a load off of him, which will make you happy.
    • Pray for each other- thank God for each other, and pray for well-being and strength.
    • Show affection often.

    By putting your spouse first, you grow together in love, and you both stay humble, and as President Spencer W. Kimball promised: “. . . If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.”

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    Also add in colorful differences, or M&Ms.

    Differences can at first glance seem to be an annoyance. “Why can’t he be more like this?” “Why can’t he do that?” “It is so obvious to me that..” “It would be so much easier if he would just…”

    When differences start to annoy, it would be wise to look within. “Am I perfect? Do I do everything excellently? Am I the best parent and spouse in the world? Am I better than my spouse?” What will the answer be?

    Pres Uchtdorf  said, “ If we look for imperfections in our spouse or irritations in our marriage, we will certainly find them, because everyone has some. On the other hand, if we look for the good, we will surely find it, because everyone has many good qualities too.” He also said, “Rather than attempting to force everyone into a mold of our own making, we can choose to celebrate these differences and appreciate them for adding richness and constant surprises to our lives.”

    If you look at differences in a positive way, you excitedly see that where you lack, he excels, and vice versa. You complete each other. You help each other grow. You give each other perspective.

    What are some good differences you and your spouse have?

    There are some things that aren’t easy with being different, like maybe how we communicate or show affection or handle conflict. If you talk together about your desires and needs, and go to the Lord for help, with a willingness to improve, you will both be blessed.

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    Now mix all the ingredients well – this spoon represents consistent hard work and effort to keep your family strong and provided for.  Both husband and wife must put in that effort.

    You may have a spouse that you admire for his work ethic, or you may have one you wish did more.

    If you are in the latter group, here is some advice:

    • Communicate expectations together for work and roles. Make sure they are fair and doable.
    • Say thank you for the things he does do well. This appreciation will motivate him to do more.
    • Help each other learn new skills so you can both help more where help is needed.

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    Notice how the dough is sticky. The ingredients are holding together, united in deliciousness.  You may say that the ingredients making up the recipe for eternity are cleaving, which means to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.

    But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.

    For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

    And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

    What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).

    *twain means two

    Elder Henry B. Eyring made this profound statement, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”

    The commandment to cleave is meant to help us be united in righteousness, providing us with the greatest joy we could ever imagine. As the Lord said, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Make sure your spouse is one of your greatest treasures. _____________________________________________________________________________________

    Now it is time to enjoy eating this fabulous confection together.

    I see the eating of the sweet as enjoying life together -being happy, laughing, finding joy in each other, and growing in love.

    President Uchtdorf said,  “Those who save marriages pull out the weeds and water the flowers. They celebrate the small acts of grace that spark tender feelings of charity. Remember why you fell in love. Work each day to make your marriage stronger and happier. It may be a gradual work, but it doesn’t have to be a cheerless one. In fact, at the risk of stating the obvious, divorce rarely happens when the husband and wife are happy. So be happy! Those who save their marriages choose happiness.”

    President Spencer W. Kimball promised:  “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have . . . great happiness.”

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    I hope this lesson and activity help you and your spouse come closer together in love and righteousness. God bless!

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  • I Love to See the Temple

    This is one of my favorite children’s hymns, and has been since I was a child in Primary at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can barely sing it without becoming emotional, and I certainly can’t hear a choir of children sing it without tears falling like a waterfall down my cheeks.

    To me, the temple is the house of God. It is the holiest place on earth. I know this with all of my heart, and it isn’t just because someone told me so. But before I explain my feelings, perhaps you might like to learn more about LDS temples. Please watch these brief, beautiful videos below.

     

    I could feel that there was something special about the temple when I was a little girl singing “I Love to See the Temple.” I could feel it even more when I went on a trip with fellow teenage girls and our leaders the weekend I turned 12 to the Washington, DC Temple. I got to stand in front of that magnificent structure, wearing a borrowed wedding dress, smiling at the thought of my future.

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    Washington, DC LDS Temple

    I remember my first time entering the Washington, DC temple. I was 12, and it was my first trip with the youth to do baptisms and confirmations for the dead. I can still smell the chlorine from the font. I remember looking down at my white-socked feet, fingering my white jump suit, waiting in silence on the benches, while staring at that beautiful font filled with blue water, standing on the strong backs of 12 oxen. I remember the man in the white suit who spoke us and told us the significance of what we were going to do. I remember feeling the comforting and peaceful presence of the Holy Ghost as I went under the water over and over for those who have gone before, and again as I sat in a chair which strong hands on my wet head, blessing me with the gift of the Holy Ghost on behalf of those who had been waiting for His companionship for many years.

    The DC Temple Visitors Center has always been a special place for me. As a youth, I remember opening a large book with pictures of all the operating temples. Each one was absolutely beautiful in its own way. My favorite at the time was the San Diego Temple. I still haven’t been there, but I hope to visit someday. It amazes me how there are so many more temples now than there were when I was a teenager.

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    San Diego LDS Temple

    I spoke in church when I was 17 about the temple, and I knew as I spoke that the temple really was a holy place, and that I wanted to make my own covenants there and be sealed in the temple to a worthy husband for time and all eternity. As a youth, I was taught the important of staying morally clean, and being the type of person I needed to be to be worthy of a righteous young man to take me by the hand, and be united with me forever in the house of the Lord.

    When I was 19 1/2 years old, I made personal covenants with my Heavenly Father, and the following day, I knelt across a sacred altar and covenanted to cleave to my new husband in righteousness. I felt that I was making a beautiful decision – the most important of my life. The Holy Ghost had confirmed to me that this man was the man I was to be with for eternity – to bear children with, and to grow closer to God with.

    Sadly, our marriage did not last. I would have kept my commitment to him forever, helping him with his weaknesses and vices, but he did not feel the same. It was a heart-wrenching time of my life, especially being young with a baby less than a year old. But, I always kept my faith that eternal marriage was a true principle, and that I wanted that again – this time truly for eternity.

    Several years later, I met that man. I knew after not much time that he was the one that I wanted to make those sacred covenants with in the temple. Due to unforseen circumstances, we were married civilly at first, rather than in the temple. It was heartbreaking for me, but I knew in one year we could be sealed. By the time that one year came upon us, we had a newborn son named Rigel. He was less than two months old when we were sealed in the Raleigh, NC Temple. I testify to you right now that I have never felt the presence of the Holy Ghost more strongly than I did the day Jad and I were sealed, and then our beautiful baby boy was brought in to be sealed to us. If I didn’t already have a testimony of eternal families, it was unbreakable that day. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my baby was bound to me and my husband not only for this life, but for eternity.

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    Raleigh LDS Temple

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    I have continued to have many spiritual experiences in the temple since that day more than five years ago. When I made covenants in the temple on behalf of my husband’s deceased grandmother, I felt a sure and distinct prompting that she had accepted those covenants. Jad and I both felt the Spirit so strongly when we knelt across the altar and sealed his grandmother to his grandfather, who had died many years before. I have had similar experiences with both family and strangers I have done work for.

    Because of my firm belief of the sacredness and importance of temple covenants, I was insistent on attending my cousin’s, Lisa’s, temple wedding to her sweetheart, Sam, in June of this year. There were obstacles in my way from attending, but I never considered for a moment staying home. I knew that this day would be the most important and happiest day of my beloved cousin’s life. I was going to be there. And I went, with my mom and nana. It was truly a blessed experience. My love for my cousin, and my new cousin-in-law increased, as well as my testimony of the divinity of the marriage and family unit.

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    A little over a month ago, Jad and I drove our kids to the Raleigh Temple to see it for the first time. We felt bad that was the first time we had taken them, but we were still excited. The boys really enjoyed themselves. They could tell there was something special about that building and those grounds. The flowers and grass were perfectly manicured. The feeling there was peaceful and warm. You could see the calmness in their eyes and the happiness they felt just being there walking around. It made an impression on them, and Casey mentioned how he couldn’t wait to someday enter the temple and do baptisms for the dead.

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    Most recently, we had the most wonderful temple family experience of all. Over Labor Day Weekend, we made the over six-hour trip to Philadelphia with the primary reason of visiting the LDS Philadelphia Temple Open House. It wasn’t something that we planned to do well in advance, but we had friends who were going, and then we heard of more and more friends going. Jad and I then started to think, “Should we go? Can we go?”

    As we thought about the possibilities, and started doing research, we both felt that it would be a wonderful and spiritual experience for our family. Our children would be able to not only see a temple, but walk inside of it. It was settled. We were going.

    Jad took a day off work so we could go September 2-5. I spent more hours planning our trip than I would like to admit, from getting a hotel, to researching food and attractions, to reserving a spot at the open house, to researching some more. Finally, the day came to go. We felt the blessings of the Lord that whole weekend, from leaving the house on time, encountering nearly no traffic on the way, and having a very pleasant and beautiful drive up. We also felt the Lord’s hand financially – we would not have been able to afford that trip had we not just received a large refund after refinancing our house the month before.

    That first night, we attended the Philadelphia Temple Open House. I was spiritually affected by the fact that the only place that whole day that we had really seen heavy traffic was right next to the temple. It took us over 15 minutes to approach a stoplight and then turn right to park. There were people everywhere who wanted to attend this open house – people from our church and people just curious to see it.

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    Philadelphia LDS Temple

    The temple was beautiful, and we lit up with excitement as we saw it from our car. We couldn’t wait to enter. We started out by going inside a brand new LDS chapel across the street. We were led to a classroom with a TV and sister missionaries, who introduced the temple to us. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing as we watched the presentation that talked about the blessings that come from temples and what we do in them. I felt my testimony of temples renewed just in watching that video. Tears don’t stream down my face for no reason – I was feeling the presence of the Holy Ghost.

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    After the lovely video, and sincere and sweet testimonies from the missionaries, we were led to the temple. We put shoe protectors on our feet to keep the temple clean, and then we were all able to go in. I can’t begin to express to you the beauty and serenity of the temple.

    You can see pictures of the Philadelphia Temple here.

    Throughout the tour, we ended up climbing up four flights of gorgeous stairs. The furniture, light fixtures, and coloring was wonderful. But, there was more. As we visited rooms like the baptismal font, the bridal room, the instruction room, the sealing room, etc., we could feel peace and love everywhere. My favorite rooms were the Chapel and the Celestial Room. In the Chapel area, we sat and listened to beautiful hymns on a self-playing organ. In the Celestial Room, there was no music or speaking. The guides let us just sit and take in the atmosphere. We stared at the huge chandelier and took in the sacredness of this meditation room. There wasn’t a sound to be heard, even with children in the room.

    The whole experience was unforgettable. My children were entranced. Those of you who know my children know how wild they can be, but they were completely calm and obedient in the temple. They could feel it was a special place. When we exited, I felt so blessed to have been able to bring my children to the house of the Lord for the first time.

    I was also so impressed at the calming and awesome effect being in the temple had for people not of our faith. Nobody was disrespectful or visibly disturbed or confused. Every person I saw in our group, a member of my church or not, was thoughtful and completely involved in the experience. It was hard to leave the safety of the temple. I almost wanted to go back in and go through it again. I am sure many people felt that way.

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    After our tour, we spent quite a lot of time in the visitors center next door, and then on the roof of that building looking at the shining temple before us. Out of the whole weekend, this was the premium experience.

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    But our special experiences with temples weren’t over that night. Monday, the day our Philadelphia vacation ended, we visited my beloved brother in Baltimore. We loved spending a few hours with him. Then, it was time to go home. Jad and I were both surprised when my GPS took us away from I-95 and onto I-495, a different route than on the way up.

    It wasn’t long before I looked up and saw a shining beacon approaching in the distance. “Jad, it’s the temple!” Our hearts were filled with indescribable excitement at the site of the Washington, DC LDS temple. I quickly checked the GPS to see how far away it was – only 4 minutes. “We have to take the kids!”

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    So, we did. We didn’t care that we wouldn’t get home until late. We knew that we wanted our children to see and experience this beautiful temple – the first temple I ever entered as a teenager.

    We started out at the large and amazing visitors center. The kids were so happy there. At first, I was worried they would be destructive or bored, but they weren’t. We spent well over an hour there, and could have easily stayed longer.

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    Casey loved looking at pictures of all the temples while Kamren couldn’t stop looking at the model of the temple. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the model of the inside of the temple. I recognized the paintings and chairs, and was completely in awe.

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    There was a new children’s section, and Rigel didn’t want to leave. He and Kamren both absolutely loved watching videos, listening to music, and playing games. Casey enjoyed learning more about the service our church does around the world, and watching videos about the experiences of different missionaries.

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    We even got our family picture taken in front of a backdrop of the beautiful temple. We had a marvelous time there. But, we couldn’t stop there. We had to walk down to actually look at this perfect, gorgeous structure.

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    The Angel Moroni was not on the temple because he was being cleaned and repaired. That was okay. The flowers, bees, and feelings around the temple brought the very same inner peace and joy as the Philadelphia Temple.

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    We got in the car again to finally go home, and we all felt completely blessed to have been able to be around two glorious houses of God in one weekend. Rigel said he didn’t want to leave, and it melted my heart.

    I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings of temples. I am grateful most of all that through temple ordinances, families can be united eternally. The temple will always be a holy and revered place in my home and family. I am grateful that this past weekend, my children could start building their own testimonies of the Lord’s holy house.

     

  • God gives you who you need

    As many of you know, I have three sons, ages 11, 5 and 3. Ever since getting pregnant with my fourth child, my friends and family have cheerily and optimistically expressed that they hope I have a girl this time. Usually in conversations like this, I admit that I would love to have a daughter, but that I will be happy either way.

    I have tried so hard this pregnancy to leave my heart and mind open to having a fourth boy. We talk about girl and boy names, and pray for our baby to healthy and strong no matter what the gender. I also thought of a cute way to reveal the baby’s gender to Casey, who is still in Utah and will not be home to enjoy the moment with us. I took just as much care choosing the boy package as the girl package, and truly want both choices to be exciting to Casey, and to all of us.

    Late last week I decided that for this week’s Family Home Evening, I wanted to discuss with my family why it is good to have a baby brother, and why it is good to have a baby sister. We did this family night on Sunday evening (July 10) just before bed.

    Kamren didn’t have anything to say, but Rigel, Jad and I had a lovely conversation. Later on the phone, I also asked Casey’s opinion. Here is what we came up with.

    Why it is good to have a baby brother:

    Rigel – I will play with him and be sweet to him. I will want to play with him outside on the trampoline, swing on swings with him, push him on the swing, and eat with him.

    Daddy – The baby will help me be a better dad, helping me be more responsible, and diligent in giving the kids  responsibilities. I will want to be a better priesthood holder and example if we have another boy. I believe that if God wants us to have a boy, there is a reason. I will be motivated to lose weight to keep up with all those moving boys. The boys will have fun playing with their brother, and Kamren will have an opportunity to be a big brother to a boy.

    Mommy – We will not need to go shopping for boy stuff because we have what we need. The boys will have another automatic best friend. The kids will have a lot in common and will play together well. We will have another future worthy priesthood holder in our home. I will have another boy to cuddle with me, and to motivate me to do sports. God gives us who we need, so a boy will be wonderful.

    Casey – I will have someone to play with and be a friend to, who I can help learn and grow.

    Why it is good to have a baby sister:

    Rigel – I will play with her in my room, play outside with her, push her on the swing,  and  jump on trampoline with her. I will rock in the rocking chair with her, be gentle with her, and have fun with her outside with Mommy.

    Daddy – I will be protective of her as her Dad. Having a girl will help me to watch what I say more. It will be a great feeling to have a girl, and will be a new experience for me. I will get to do her hair and do girl things with her, like make up games, playing with barbies, and teaching her how to sew and cook (two things I am good at).

    Mommy – She is a girl so it would be nice to have another girl in the house. It would be so fun to dress a girl, and have girl stuff in the house, like dolls, ponies, princess movies and books, tea sets, etc. We will be able to do the Young Women’s program and Girls’ Camp together, and talk about girl stuff with each other. I can tell her what I know from my experiences too. Hopefully the boys will calm down a little with a sister, and be protective of her and gentle with her.

    Casey – There will be someone for Mom to play with. It will be nice to learn how to have a sister, and to be gentle with her. She will be someone to play with and be a friend to.

     

    Having this conversation really brought me peace. It was interesting to me that Casey and Rigel generally had the same reasons why having a baby brother or sister would be good. I had no doubt my boys would be happy either way. Jad and I had more complex, and differing reasons as to why having a son or daughter would be good, but we had plenty of good reasons for both.

    When I found out Casey was a boy, I was overjoyed because just the idea of having a baby was amazing. With Rigel, I was surprised he was a boy because I was convinced he was a girl, but I wasn’t sad. But when I saw that little boyhood in my third ultrasound, with Kamren, I admit I was upset and had to get the pizza buffet at Pizza Hut to recuperate. That afternoon, when I told Casey that my third was a boy, he was really upset. That forced me to think of the blessing having another brother would be, and Kamren has truly been such a cherished blessing in our home.

    All three of my boys are precious to me, and I can’t imagine my life without them. I truly believe that God gives us the children we are meant to raise.

    I woke up this morning (July 12) excited, but nervous. On the way to UNC Hospital, I told Jad I was more nervous than I was before going on stage for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because this knowledge will help change the direction of our lives.

    We got to our appointment a little early, and everything went very smoothly. It was only minutes until I was sitting in the chair, having warm goo put on my tummy.

    Rigel, Kamren, Jad and I looked at the screen, and got to hear the baby’s strong heartbeat. After some measuring and looking around at vital organs, I knew the gender reveal was coming up.

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    I never took my eyes from the screen, and then as I saw the camera go between the legs, I heard the ultrasound tech say the word “boy.”

    Confusion came over me as I looked again. I said, “I don’t see a penis,” right as she started typing “Girl” on the screen.

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    “It’s a girl!” I exclaimed, my voice breaking as tears started streaming down my face. She had been asking if my oldest was a boy, not telling me I was having a boy.

    Jad got emotional too, staring at our baby girl in wonder. I could see his excitement as he thought of the possibilities of being the Daddy of a little girl.

    We were both so happy, it was overwhelming. The rest of the ultrasound was dedicated to the health of our baby, with some cute pictures here and there. I loved how the tech talked about “her” feet and “her” stomach, helping us really live in the moment.

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    Rigel really enjoyed the ultrasound, and could recognize a lot of the body parts. I really think he will go into medicine someday. Kamren’s behavior consisted of moving around in boredom, and occasionally making sure I was okay (he is very protective of me.)

    We had to wait for a few minutes for the tech to show the photos and information to the OBGYN on duty. While we waited, and noticed the boys acting crazy as usual, Jad talked to them about having a sister and about how they need to be gentle with her.

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    When the doctor came in to see us, she optimistically informed us that our baby is growing well and is healthy.

    Knowing our baby is healthy is even more wonderful than knowing she is a girl. We beamed all the way out to the car.

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    Jad suggested that we say a prayer before leaving the hospital. I said it, and I thanked Heavenly Father with pure gratitude for the ability to have the technology to know the gender of our baby. I couldn’t control my emotions as I thanked Him whole-heartedly for the opportunity to raise a little girl. It was a sweet, Spirit-filled moment in our minivan.

    We spent some more time together as a family before Jad went back to work. It was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-Fil-A, so we took the opportunity to get free breakfast.

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    All the while, I anxiously awaited to hear Casey’s reaction to opening package A. I finally heard from him just before 10AM. He was quite tired, having just woken up in California, but expressed his excitement over having a little sister.

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    I had sent him two DVDs. In the Girl package (labeled A), was a triple feature of The Swan Princess 1, 2, and 3. I thought it would be cool to send a princess movie for a girl, and a prince movie for a boy. I sent The Swan Princess specifically because one time I suggested the boys watch it and Casey said, “Do we have to watch princess movies?” My reply was that someday he may have a sister, and then he will definitely be watching plenty of them.

    On the back of the DVD was a little note card for Casey to write his feelings. He wrote: I am so happy to have a sister to play and be a friend to.

    After talking to Casey, I was able to message the rest of my and Jad’s family with the good news. I have loved reading their responses.

    My mom said: I knew it! I am sooooo excited! Congrats my daughter!

    And she did call it. She told me before that she knew it was a girl because she had had a dream about her. I must admit that last night and this morning, I had a feeling in my heart that I would be having a daughter too. I love the way the Lord speaks to us.

    My cousin, Lisa’s, reaction very closely reflected my own: …Even if it was a boy I would have been ecstatic!…She’s got 3 big brothers who’ll watch over her and protect her…I am so happy and excited to get a girl cousin! I am close to tears…

    I love every person in my family, and I know that having the first granddaughter on both sides, and our first daughter, will be a great blessing to all of us. My heart is full today!

  • A Tribute to My First Born

    Casey, you are 11 years old now, and as I have observed your actions lately with admiration, I wish to honor you with a tribute.

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    Are you always the perfect son? No, but I am not always the perfect mother, and nobody’s perfect. You and I both know where we need to improve, but that isn’t what a tribute is for. I wish to highlight and acknowledge your deeds and accomplishments so I can show you my gratitude, admiration and love.

    One thing that I love about you, Casey, is that if I need you, you are there. You don’t complain when I ask you to help with your brothers, or with cleaning, or with dinner. You do it, and you do it the best way you know how. I can’t express to you how much I need this from you, and appreciate it.

    I am not a perfect mother, Casey. You know that, but whether it is picking you up from school late because I forgot it was early release day, or raising my voice when I shouldn’t, or getting overly irritated with you, you love me anyway. You don’t scold me or get angry with me. You are understanding, and express that you know I have a lot on my plate, or that you understand that being a parent it hard. Thank you for loving me.

    You are a service-oriented boy too. When I suggest you write a note to someone, or make a craft, you do it willingly, and from the heart. As of late, you have even written me cards as an apology for something you did, or as a way to cheer me up. I cherish those cards, and will always keep them. You are willing to use your own money to buy gifts for family members too, and you carefully choose those gifts. What a thoughtful boy you are.

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    I love seeing you develop your talents, skills and interests. I can’t tell you how much it pleases me to see how much you love what I love – instruments, singing, baking, acting. The first few months of the year, we worked on our second musical together, and you asked me to help you learn the ensemble songs so you could sing in the background. You were responsible and made sure you were on stage at the right time, and you did your best with your parts.

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    You took part in a theater club this year too, and as one of your teachers, I was always impressed with your willingness to try anything. You gave your all to everything, from games, to improvisations, to singing. At our performance showcase, you sang “Out There” from The Hunchback of Notre Dame beautifully. It isn’t an easy song, but you made sure to analyze your character and try to show what he was feeling. Tears came to my eyes when you sang.

    This year as you learned a new instrument, the trombone, you always wanted to play songs for me, and you impressed me with your skills at your band concert.

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    You also did your best to memorize and perform “The Star Spangled Banner” for a group number at a recent Durham Bulls game. It made me smile to hear you practicing around the house, and I loved helping you practice too. Just a few days ago, you wanted to help me bake your birthday cake – you always want to help me bake. And going back to your service-oriented heart, you melted mine when you told me you set out the ingredients for me to make the icing. When I came downstairs later, I saw the ingredients lovingly laid out, and I smiled with adoration.

    Your spirituality strengthens my testimony. I always tear up when you bear your testimony in church. When your teachers tell me how much you know about the scriptures, I am so proud of you, and I know it is true. Each night when we read together as family, you have comments and questions. You pay attention and want to learn. I can’t tell you how proud I have been of you lately as you have also begun to do personal scripture study before bed. I love it when you come to me and report what you have read. You will be a wonderful missionary someday – no, you already are.

    School has always been a place you have excelled. I haven’t had to get on you about doing your homework or projects. You have your weaknesses in school, but overall, you are a good friend, someone your teachers love to have in class, and a really hard worker. Your final report card and EOG scores impressed me so much. You are a smart boy, but it isn’t just smarts that bring good grades. Dedication, motivation, high standards for yourself, team work, honesty, and humility are key elements too.

    On the last day of school, you presented a project on homelessness in North Carolina at the Orange County Library. You clearly did your research, and your concern for the homeless was evident. You really want to help them.

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    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkgZ10uq_gU

    After school when you told me you want to help in soup kitchens, and really hold true to your word to help, you brought tears to my eyes. And when you said you wanted to use the money you would have received for your good grades to help the homeless, I was once again in awe of the goodness of your heart.

    How wonderful is it that you love projects too, especially when you get to spend time with your dad or me. I love how you want to help in the garden, paint, or assist with other projects. Just this past Saturday, you jumped at the chance to help me build a bathroom cabinet. It was such a fun experience to spend time together, make mistakes together, and then fix them together. You have an eye for building, and your observations were right on. The finished product was awesome, and it is because you were building it with me.

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    And finally, Casey, you are one affectionate young man. Your hugs, kisses and soft words can really calm a person. You know what gentleness brings peace, something that many people do not realize.

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    Casey, I am so blessed to be your mother. Heavenly Father knew I needed you when I needed you, and you will always be one of the most special people in my life. I love you, my dear son.

  • I learned, not failed

    Have you ever prayed out loud pleading, sobbing, hoping, asking?

    I did that recently. I had to. I was so confused, emotionally and physically exhausted, and feeling that I wasn’t doing my part well enough.

    March 18-19 2016, my mom and I attended an event in Raleigh put on by Deseret Book called Time Out for Women (TOFW).

    My feelings about this event are best summarized by my Facebook post on the 19th: Last night and today have been one of the greatest experiences I have had for a long time. My mom is with me. We are seeing old friends, feeling the Spirit, laughing, learning, and crying. The music and speakers are all phenomenal, and I look forward to the rest of today!‪

    This event changed my perspective, and possibly my life.

    I took many notes during the event, as all the speakers and performers had such lovely and insightful things to say. Here are some of the points that meant the most to me:

    1. John Bytheway, spoke of gardens. The garden was a metaphor for one’s testimony of Christ and His gospel. He said that all you have to do to lose your garden is nothing. Am I currently working to increase my testimony, or am I letting the weeds grow? Among many other important metaphors and points, he quoted this by Neal A. Maxwell: “In conclusion, the submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we “give,” brothers and sisters, are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!” I do try to give my will to God. It was His will that I start my business, for example. I just wish I knew why…
    2. Jenny Oaks Baker, the most beautiful violinist I have ever heard, said that we should have faith in the Lord, not in that certain things will happen in our lives. Am I dreaming too much, and not thinking enough about my faith?
    3. Wendy Ulrich talked of failing verses learning. She said failure doesn’t define us or finish us. We learn instead of fail. She asked us to think to ourselves, “What risk do I need to take even though I am afraid to fail?” What if I quit my business? I would be a failure, right? If not, what on earth am I learning?
    4. Mary Ellen Edmunds talked about an African saying – “I am well if you are well.” She said that love is the best medicine and that we should give another dose if one doesn’t work. She quoted Thoreau: “Love is the only investment that never fails.” She testified that kindness and love bring power over mind, heart and behavior. Am I giving enough love? If love is the only investment that never fails, I need to do more investing.  
    5. A sweet local from Cary said, “God gave us everything. All He asks is sacrifice from us.” Am I sacrificing enough for Him?
    6. Eric Huntsman said that he learned about Jesus on his mother’s knee. This image struck me to the core, and I felt incredibly inadequate. Will my kids learn from my knee? I felt that my priorities should be teaching the gospel to my children. I starred a couple scriptures that he quoted:
      1. Alma 5:26 – And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? Can I ?
      2. 1 John 3:2 – Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. All that matters is that I am like Him.
    7. Calee Reed was the extremely talented singer on the second day. She spoke about how we should always remember we are daughters of God and that He loves us. She said that knowing that helps her feel better about herself and the mundane things she has to do as a mother. I struggle with the mundane. That is why I try so hard to make something of myself and do, do, do.
    8. Sandra Turley quoted the song “We Must Sing” by Rob Gardner. My favorite verse was: “God made our voices, but we must make them sing. God gave us voices so we must sing.” She said we need to grow our testimony of Christ before our talents, and then use our talents to share our testimony. She said we must give our kids faith or we have given little. We must sing to defend God. I have talents, and I used to use them all the time for sharing my testimony and defending God. Now, I don’t have time to do my blogging…
      1. During her talk, when she was talking about praising God, I had a random thought, and that was that God doesn’t care about our weight or what we look like on the outside. Do we as women focus on that too much? My business focuses a lot on outside looks (well, inner health too).
    9. Emily Belle Freeman gave a touching talk about true friendships and hospitality. During her talk, I had a few thoughts:
      1. We shouldn’t do something for what it will do for us, because we already have all we need with God and family. Wow, I really do, don’t I?
      2. Sometimes something is right, but not right now. What should wait?
      3. The mundane isn’t really mundane. Wow, I really haven’t had time to do the mundane lately. I wish I had more time to keep my home clean or cook nice meals…

    These were my favorite points from TOFW, though the entire event nourished my soul, and helped me bond with my mom. As we drove home from Raleigh, I ended up in tears as I spoke to her. I told her of my concerns about not having enough time for my family and for the things that matter most. I told her many of the things that stuck out to me from TOFW, and that I felt like I wasn’t doing those things well enough.

     

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    My greatest concern was my business with It Works. I reminded her and myself of the strong, overwhelming spiritual prompting I had gotten to start my business less than six months before. I was just so confused. I couldn’t quit! Not when He had told me to do this. It has only been a short time!

    Once we arrived back to her home, I said hello to my dad, and hugged my mom goodbye to drive my car home. During that ride home was when I gave my desperate and fervent vocal prayer to my Heavenly Father. I tried to be as in tune with the Spirit as possible as I communed with Him.

    When I came home, I wrote down my thoughts:

    1. The financial dreams my family wrote together don’t really matter.
    2. We have ALL we need already.
    3. I don’t have to do my book right now (a desire I have had for some time.)
    4. I have no time for love, and that is what I need most.
    5. My final thought was that my family needs to be together all the time – that was a worthwhile dream.

    I saw number 5 as a somewhat comforting reason to remain with my business. And life went on for nearly a month. I continued working my business, but the joy wasn’t there. The motivation and inspiration wasn’t there. The success I had seen before wasn’t happening.

    Then, the morning of April 12, I went to my church Institute class about the Savior.

    The Spirit touched me to the very center when we read this scripture (Alma was quoting the prophet Zenos, and what he said about prayer):

    And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity ; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions , for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son. Alma 33:11

    What part struck me? The very small line: “For in thee is my joy.”

    I was overcome with my lack of joy at that time. My business wasn’t bringing me joy. I was overworked physically and mentally. I had so much going on in my life that I couldn’t breathe. Where is my joy? Is should be in Christ, and I have not had time to focus on Him!

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    In the next lesson that same day, we talked about Christ’s second coming.

    We read a powerful quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “While we are powerless to alter the fact of the Second Coming and unable to know its exact time, we can accelerate our own preparation and try to influence the preparation of those around us. … “What if the day of His coming were tomorrow? If we knew that we would meet the Lord tomorrow—through our premature death or through His unexpected coming— what would we do today? What confessions would we make? What practices would we discontinue? What accounts would we settle? What forgiveness would we extend? What testimonies would we bear? “If we would do those things then, why not now? Why not seek peace while peace can be obtained? If our lamps of preparation are drawn down, let us start immediately to replenish them.”

    This quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that I would do things so much differently if I knew that the Savior were to return tomorrow. Nothing was more clear to me at that moment than that I needed to quit my business. I knew that though it wasn’t a bad endeavor, it was stopping me from preparing myself, my family, and those around me spiritually for Christ. I had realized earlier that day that in Christ should be my joy. He is everything. What was I giving to Him?

    So, I went home that day feeling that I really needed to get rid of something. I knew the first thing was definitely my business. I was a little scared, but I prayed for reassurance, and I got it. Within a few hours, I sent a sincere and heartfelt email to my upline and friend, Amber.

    I told her how I had been struggling with my business for quite some time. Financially, it wasn’t providing for me, even though I was working hard. In the past months, if I ever felt discouraged and ready to quit, I could feel God bless me with a new customer or a new promotion or a new idea. But, that had not been happening. My distributors weren’t working, and potential customers weren’t signing. I had taken a blow just a couple weeks before realizing that even if I promote, I have to requalify for my rank each month. Where is the stability and consistency in that?

    I gave her many reasons for thinking of quitting, like my joy and desire wavering. I told her that “this business has not done for me what is most important for my family and for my spirituality,” and “the time I have devoted has taken me away from things I love, including blogging.”

    I said, “I know that to be really successful, I need this business to become my top priority, but if I have felt anything lately, it is that my family and my devotion to Christ must be my top priority. I don’t have to be wealthy and my husband doesn’t have to stay at home.”

    I told her that I didn’t regret doing It Works, but I hadn’t felt peace with it for some time. I told her that “writing this email with my thoughts is bringing me a lot of peace.”

    My initial thought was that I wouldn’t quit until the end of the week. I would give it some time to see if anything happened that would help me be successful. But, then, when my husband got home that evening, we had a tearful heart to heart. I told him about the email, and about my thoughts. I felt the Spirit as I told him that my priorities needed to shift and that our family and God is all that matters.

    He told me he was proud of me and that he could tell I was making decisions with the Spirit. He reassured me that he is happy to work, and that we don’t have to be rich. Our dreams were good, but our family is what matters most.

    So, that night, I emailed Amber again and told her that I would indeed be quitting. It felt so good.

    She did not write me back right away, and after several days, I was worried that she was really angry with me. It turns out my email had gone to her spam folder, and I was so relieved and grateful that she was really supportive and understanding.

    It has been a couple weeks since I decided to quit my business, and I have not felt regret. I reflected on the prayer I had on the way home from TOFW, and I realized my interpretation of the thought that my family needs to be together all the time was wrong. What Heavenly Father was telling me was that my family needed to be together eternally – that is all that matters.

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    That interpretation has inspired me. I am still catching up on many “to dos” since the musical has been over (something else that took much of my time, but was such a blessing), but soon that list will get smaller and smaller until I can focus my time and attention on loving my family, doing the mundane things that aren’t so mundane, giving service, and sharing the gospel through my blog.

    I have asked myself a few times why did Heavenly Father want me to start my business in the first place if I was only going to quit in six months?

    I wish I had a true answer for that. Jad thinks that maybe the skills I learned in networking will help me reach more people with my blog. I did learn a new skill and overcome a fear of videotaping myself speaking. Perhaps that will become useful someday. Or, maybe it is as Wendy Ulrich said : maybe it isn’t failing; it is learning.

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    Well, I have learned a lot. And the love I was missing is coming back to me. I thank God for His infinite wisdom, and for His hand in my life. I know He knows what is best for me, and that He desires my joy!

    I must make a clarification that I am in no way saying that home businesses are not a good thing, or that dreams of financial freedom aren’t merited, or that an absence of joy in something is always a justified reason to move on. I simply mean that for me, and for my family, there is another plan at this time. The only thing I can continue to do is to follow where the Spirit leads me, and be willing to give my entire will to God (the only thing of mine I can truly give), no matter what.

    If He is the guide on my journey and I always choose to follow Him, my destination will always be Heaven, either on earth or in the eternities.

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  • More than just Terms of Endearment

    Casey, Rigel, and Kamren, you mean more to me than I could ever express to you. You are the boys that Heavenly Father saw fit to send to me. You made me a mother, and I want you to know that I am your biggest fan, and that I see the divine worth and potential in each of you. When you were little, I gave each of you a term of endearment. I hope to show you there is more to these than just a name, and I pray that you will use the attributes of your special names to become good and righteous men:

    Bumblebee

    My first born, Casey, you are my Bumblebee. This name came from a yellow sleeper you wore when you were an infant. It was my favorite outfit of yours as it brought out your shining eyes and sweet smile.  I knew it would characterize you perfectly.

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    I wish for you to be as your namesake – peaceful and unaggressive. Bumblebees do not harm others, unless they are defending themselves. I pray that you will be one who will defend righteous causes, but at the same time, desire peace and understanding with everyone around you.

    I wish for you to focus on what matters most, and labor diligently to bring forth much good fruit.

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    You may not know, but one third all of all human food requires bee pollination. Without the bee, humans could not survive.

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    The crops bumblebees provide for humans, and the flowers they provide for other animals, bring them nourishment to live their lives to the fullest. I pray you will, through your good deeds and kind words, nourish the souls of those you meet and love.

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    Bumblebees have tiny wings, and shouldn’t be able to fly, but they do it anyway, and they do it so well. I admonish you to never allow anyone to tell you that you can’t do something. You can do anything. You are a child of the most High, and if you follow His counsel, and the counsel of your parents, you can fulfill all of your righteous and worthy desires.

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    I love you, my Bumblebee.

    Shining Star

    My second born, Rigel, you are my Shining Star. You are so named because yours is the name of the brightest star in the constellation Orion. A peace comes to my heart each time we look at your star in the night sky together.

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    I told you one night not long ago why you are my shining star. It is because of the light you bring to others through your good humor, your kindness, and your fun, friendly disposition. You are a friend to all.

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    The words of a song, “Every Star is Different,” I wish for you to emulate:

    I can shine for others

    And let them feel my love,

    Follow the commandments

    That come from God above.

    I can help another

    To learn to choose the right.

    Having faith and courage

    Will let my star shine bright.

     star of bethlehem

    Remember the most important and most brilliant star ever to shine was the Star of Bethlehem. This star represented the light of Christ. It was a sign of His birth, and led the wise men to Him.

    star of bethlehem you

    You, through your words and deeds, can also lead others to Christ. I pray that you share the gospel every day of your life.

    light so shine

    Never hide your light, my son. Always let it shine and do good works.

    I love you, my Shining Star.

    Angel

    My third born, Kamren, you are my Angel. I call you this because I believe angels helped bring you to this earth.

    kam angel
    Looking like an angel at 9 months old.

    There are many accounts in the scriptures of angels. God has used them throughout time for many reasons – to show love, concern and mercy, to bring messages of great importance, to warn, or to provide guidance.

    angel shepherds

    You may not be one of these angels, but as Jeffrey R. Holland, Apostle in the LDS church, said, “…not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with … Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”

    angel

    My Kamren, I pray that you will be kind, good and pure your whole life. You are already so sweet, affectionate and giving.

    Angels on earth also use their words, my son. Nephi, in the Book of Mormon, spoke of speaking with a new tongue – the tongue of angels, after being baptized and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. He said, “Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ (2 Nephi 32:2-3).”

    earth angel

    Kamren, how interesting it is that you do not speak many words now. However, the Spirit has testified to me, that someday, your voice will be strong and will ring with the Truth of Christ.

    Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity…With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”

    My Kamren, I know that you will bring hope, comfort, and peace to others as you exhibit these angelic qualities throughout your life.

    I love you, my Angel.

    ************************************************************************************

    Casey, Rigel, and Kamren – even if I do not always call you by these terms of endearment, these names and these hopes for you are always in my heart. I love you all with my whole soul, always and forever!

  • Love for Messiah

    Sometimes I say “yes” to too many things, and regret it later. There was one thing I said “yes” to recently, though, that became a huge blessing in my life.

    After hearing about it from my Bishop one Sunday, I decided to join the Mebane Community Choir and sing in its 25th annual performance of the Christmas portion of Handel’s Messiah.

    Now, I had never sung this oratorio (or any oratorio) before, and wasn’t familiar with the songs, other than the “Hallelujah Chorus.” Still, I figured I could learn it without much trouble – I could read music after all.

    Well, I was in for a rude awakening, because by the end of that first rehearsal I went to (it was the second rehearsal for everyone else), I felt like I would never be able to learn the music. You see, most of the people in the choir already knew the songs because they had sung them for years, so we weren’t learning the songs – we were perfecting them, and working hard on intonation. I was trying desperately to sight-read, and I was completely overwhelmed.

    messiah1
    Somebody said something funny – my one moment of relief that week. 🙂

    I was so grateful for the woman next to me named Suzanne who was kind enough to explain some things to me. I was able to hear what she was doing and go from there. But, even with her help, I still was so confused, and felt I would never learn the runs. I almost cried on the way home.

    messiah2
    The face of one who was scared and feeling quite inadequate.

    The following week, I knew I had to go back at least to return the book, so I decided to give it one more try. I was quite nervous, though, because that was the week we would work with our conductor, Sam, for the first time.

    messiah5
    Our awesome conductor, Sam Doyle

    I didn’t know what to expect, but was pleased to find him very personable and funny, as well as an excellent teacher. I felt completely at ease, and learned from him. When I went home that day, even though I still felt quite lost on some songs, I knew I would continue.

    messiah6

    The next rehearsal got a little easier. I kept telling myself each week I would practice at home to get better and better. Well, I didn’t have a lot of time to practice, but my brother, Aaron, gave me some tips on the runs, which helped me quite a bit. I finally got the CD to help me learn my part at the third rehearsal. Did I listen to it? Yes…in the car on the way to dress rehearsal.

    messiah10
    We practiced lining up for the following day.

    As every rehearsal came and went, I got less and less overwhelmed. I was starting to fall in love with the songs, and I even felt confident on some of the parts. By the dress rehearsal, I felt that I could do this. I even got teary-eyed as we rehearsed “For unto Us a Child is Born.” My testimony grew that day, and I felt what a blessing it was to be able to sing with this group of individuals and praise the Lord.

    messiah11 messiah16messiah17

    The next day was the concert. I was a little nervous, because I was still only about 85% there on my knowledge of the songs, but I was mostly excited and at peace. I couldn’t wait to take part in this beautiful oratorio.

    messiah19

    We all wore burgundy robes, which were very hot, but it gave a sense of unity to the group. I felt like a real part of the choir, and even though I am shy around people I don’t know well, I felt that by then, I had formed some friendly acquaintances.

    We lined up in our robes in two lines along a narrow hallway downstairs. It was soon time for us to walk up the stairs and down the aisles of people to our seats. I gave a goofy grin to my husband, parents, and Nana as I walked by. I was so grateful they were there.

    The performance was wonderful. I hadn’t heard the soloists before then, and they all sounded beautiful. The messages of the songs touched my heart. They made the songs the choir sang all the more meaningful.

    When we sang together, we were united. I didn’t get every run correct, but I felt lively, joyful, and confident as I sang. Even the hardest part for me – the amens at the end -were enjoyable to sing, and [bctt tweet=”I felt the audience’s silent amens along with us.”].

    When we sat, and it was all over, I felt fulfilled and happy. As I met up with my family, they had smiles on their faces and had nothing but positive comments to share: we blended so well, we sounded like professionals, it was enjoyable even though that isn’t the genre I usually listen to…

    messiah 20

    We ate way too many cookies before going home to our normal family dinner and Sunday night. I sang the songs to myself all evening, and into the next day, and it felt amazing.

    This experience with Handel’s Messiah was one I will cherish.

    1. For one of the first times in my life, I wasn’t the loudest person in the choir. I didn’t have to hold back at all. It was such a liberating feeling knowing that there are people like me. I know it sounds silly, but ever since I was a kid, I was called out for singing too loud. I remember when I was in fifth grade, we were rehearsing a song, and my teacher said to sing as loud as we could. Well, I did, and the kids around me told me I was too loud. Even my teacher gently asked me to sing quieter. I have a very strong voice. Fortes and fortissimos are true with me. Even though this should be a strength, it has often felt like a handicap to me. I feel so blessed to have found a group of people who are like me. I really feel I fit in with them, and as an extra perk, I got to sing super high, which I also love!
    2. For years, around Christmastime, I have had this phrase of song in my head “Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace!” I, of course, knew that this song stemmed from scripture (Isaiah 9:6), but I never knew where the tune came from. I found out, through Messiah rehearsal, that it came from “For unto Us a Child is Born.” The end of that song is so special to me because it is connected with my memories.
    3. I have never been challenged so much with music in my life. I have always been one to learn music quickly because I read music and play the piano. Well, this time, I really struggled. Through prayer, and perseverance, I was able to learn this music, and gain a new appreciation for classical music and oratorios. This was ground I never thought I would walk on, and it feels really comfortable.
    4. I felt that Heavenly Father helped me achieve number 3. It isn’t realistic that in just four rehearsals and minimal home practice, I would be ready to sing such difficult music. But, somehow the runs from “And He Shall Purify” and For unto Us a Son is Born” started to click. I memorized them. I listened to the people around me, and I was able to master the dynamics, and most of the notes of these gorgeous songs. This wasn’t me – I am not that good. Heavenly Father’s hand was in it. I truly believe that when we take steps to serve and worship him and our Savior, He will qualify us.
    5. I felt a renewed connection with my beloved, deceased Granddad, who was a gifted pianist and organist. He loved classical music. My Nana reminisced with me after the show, and said she could almost hear Granddad playing the organ while she listened to the performance.

    I have a testimony that Jesus Christ is the son of God. He was born of a virgin in a stable in Bethlehem. The prophets testified he would come in the flesh, and He did. He truly is the Prince of Peace, for only through following Him can there be peace on earth and in our hearts. I rejoice at His birth, at His perfect life, at His death and resurrection, and at the counsel He offers today. I share this joy with all who will listen, for I know that if we lay our burdens at His feet, He will lighten them and give us rest. Through Him, we have the opportunity to live with our Heavenly Father again, and receive all that He has. Jesus Christ lives, and He will come again.

    nativity-mary-mother-of-jesus-baby-jesus-1301892-gallery

     

  • Murmurings and Medicine

    Jad and I were very worried about Rigel Tuesday morning. He had a lot of swelling, discoloration, and pain on a sensitive part of his body. We strongly felt that we needed to take him to the doctor.

    When we got there, I was unpleasantly surprised to find that I had to pay $100 for the visit, since our coinsurance didn’t kick in until after the deductible was met. That wasn’t fun, but I paid it knowing that my son would receive a sound diagnosis and treatment for his condition.

    We love our pediatrician. She examined Rigel gently yet thoroughly, and surprisingly to me, didn’t see any cause for concern. She said most likely the cause was a bug bite, and that with some Benadryl, he would be fine.

    seriously

    I left the office with my little boys, suckers and stickers in hand. When I sat in the car after buckling them in, I sighed in distaste.

    It was time to call Jad, who I knew was worried sick. Well, wait until he hears what a waste of time that was, I thought to myself.

    Exasperated, I told him how much money I had to spend, and that there was nothing wrong with Rigel. All he needed was Benadryl. I sighed, and said I would be getting him his medicine. We got off the phone both annoyed at our new insurance.

    The whole rest of the day, I found myself doubting the doctor. It must be something else – I mean, his condition just isn’t normal.

    But, it hit me that night that my attitude had been all wrong. It was almost as if I wanted something to be wrong with Rigel to justify the doctor’s trip and the large bill. I had been feeling that my time and money wasn’t worth it because he was actually fine.

    I am ashamed at how I acted! I should have been praising God that there was nothing to be worried about! Had the swelling been for a more serious reason, he likely would have needed surgery.

    I should have been thanking people who prayed for him, and thanking my Heavenly Father for hearing my own prayers.

    I should have hugged and kissed my child, and told him how much I loved him, and how happy I was that he was going to be alright.

    My pride got the better of me that day, and someone didn’t want me to see the Lord’s hand, be grateful, or focus on what matters most.

    Rigel is all better now. The swelling did go down with one dose of Benadryl.

    Just as the doctor knows what medicines heal us physically, Heavenly Father knows what will heal us spiritually. He healed my hardened heart through the whisperings of the Spirit. I am eternally grateful for my renewed perspective, and for the safety and health of my precious Rigel.

    rigel
    Photo Credit: Nikki Miner Nichols

  • Matching My Inside

    I must be crazy. I am a super busy mother of three, with a husband, a house to keep in order, a church I worship in and provide service to, a blog I love, books to read and book reviews to write, an aspiration to write my own book, and more.

    Al-Bajaly2015_1
    Photo credit: Nikki Miner Nichols

    Phew. That is a lot of stuff. Why would anyone want to add something else on?

    A few months ago, I joined Planet Fitness Gym. In my free personal training session, the trainer told me nonchalantly about greens I could use as a nutritional supplement to help me stay nourished when I work out. He gave me a website to look at, called It Works. I was kind of interested, but decided not to buy them.

    Throughout this year, I have brushed shoulders with multiple women who are consultants/distributors for a variety of marketing companies. All of the products are great. I have used many of the brands. These people seem to be doing very well for themselves, and more than once I have been told I would be great in such a business.

    I always appreciated the compliments, but felt that I was too busy for such things, and probably wouldn’t be good at it. After all, I had tried Avon, and I never did well.

    Last week, something changed. My friend Amber, who was one of my best buddies in middle school, posted something on Instagram about her business, and I lit up in excitement. I told her I was interested, and asked her questions.

    My biggest concerns were about time commitment, and also if I had to do a lot outside of the home. She told me that she does almost all of her work with social media, and that she rarely does parties. I love being on social media. I am a fast typer, and I am a good writer. I could do this! I set up a time to have a phone call with her and get started with It Works.

    But then a thought came to me yesterday afternoon: Mandy, you haven’t prayed about this to see if it is the right thing to do.

    I knew I needed to pray, so I slowly knelt in my closet and started to do so. Immediately, I felt a swelling all around me, as if my body was engulfed in spirit. I felt warm, and tears came to my eyes, then started flowing. The answer was clear. Yes, this is the right thing to do.

    So, last night, I signed up to be a distributor with It Works Global.

    I don’t know why Heavenly Father wants me to do this. The obvious reason is to bring extra income to my family – we want to have more children, and Jad wants to go back to school. Perhaps it is also a way to bring more readers to my blog. Perhaps there is someone who would only be persuaded by my voice and my story to change his/her life.

    I don’t know, but I have realized something: To do well in a business such as this, you have to be passionate about the products you are selling.

    There are people who are passionate about makeup or cleaning supplies or oils. Me? Well, I am passionate about products that are going to help me minimize my physical flaws. I have brittle nails that never look nice. I have belly pudge that I just can’t get rid of, no matter how much weight I lose. I have issues with unhealthy food cravings. I have stretch marks, and have always struggled with skin dryness. I can see how the It Works products can change my life for the better. I also love that the market includes men. They care about their health and appearance too, and I want to be able to serve them as much as I serve women.

    Al-Bajaly2015_2
    Photo Credit: Nikki Miner Nichols 

    The name I chose for my website is www.matchingmyinside.itworks.com.

    The reason I chose it is that I truly believe that we all have individual worth. Each person on this earth is special and unique, with a multitude of talents and skills to share with the world. Unfortunately, as in my case, our confidence to do so can waver as we are uncomfortable with how we look and feel.

    Some might think that becoming healthier and improving our flaws means we are proud, and focus too much on the outward appearance. On the contrary – if done without pride, doing this can help us shift our focus to what’s wrong with our outside to how wonderful we are on the inside.

    That is my goal for myself and for others. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about himself/herself. I want people to have faith in themselves and better hopes for their futures.

    Our spirits and bodies are interconnected. As we take care of our bodies, our spirits will shine forth as a light to those around us.

    So, this is a new journey I am on. Should you like to join me in any way, to use the products, or sell them, please let me know. I would love to work with you.

    God knows us and what we need. I am grateful for this opportunity. It will be hard to add this on to my plate, but it will be worth it!

  • Finding Joy in My Circumstances

    With apology in his eyes, he kissed my cheek and neck a little too warmly, and then told me how sorry he was for what he had done to me. He knew it was too late to change anything, but regret ached in his voice.

    My new ex-husband was mourning the loss of his wife and baby already, as he watched us turn away, never again to live with us as a family.

    My emotions were clouded. For the last three and a half years, I had lived in charming Cedar City, Utah, attending school at SUU. For more than two years of that time, I had been married. His family was my family, his church was my church, and his home was my home. We even had a child together, 11 months before the inconceivable day we would say goodbye.

    004
    Our sweet Casey

    We had been married two years when he announced firmly that he was done trying, and that we were going to get a divorce. I was shocked at the finality of it, but not necessarily heartbroken, since my love for him had already slowly evaporated.

    I over zealously filled out the divorce papers, and commanded that I would be keeping Casey. He did not fight me.

    On April 26, he walked into the apartment, opened the mail, and nonchalantly said, “We are divorced now.” Oh.

    Ironically I was relieved at the news, and felt freer. I immediately was excited at the prospect of dating again.

    008
    Casey helped me pack.

    The plane ride to North Carolina went quickly, and Casey was a good boy. I was sad to leave my ward, home, friends, and in-laws, but I was so grateful for my parents’ selfless sacrifice to help Casey and I start our new life.

    001
    My dad with Casey

    It felt good to have a clean, happy place to live, and I hoped that as long as I focused on making friends, dating, and being the best mom I could, life would be okay.

    Except it wasn’t.

    I was sad and emotional all the time, rarely smiling or laughing. I was frustrated at how difficult it was to make a happy life in North Carolina, a place I had never before lived.

    007
    I put on my best smile, though inwardly, I was crying.

    Here is what my life was like with:

    Making friends

    I had a really hard time making friends.  I admit I was ashamed of being divorced with a child, and I was always afraid to tell people about myself, for fear of judgment. Sometimes, it was a reality. Once I started bringing Casey to the Singles’ Ward with me, I noticed that several people stayed away from me, only speaking to me when they had to. I was different, and I stuck out like a sore thumb.

    To make up for it, I worked to rekindle some of my friendships from Virginia. I did find some peace emailing good friends, and venting to them. It just didn’t fill the emptiness inside completely.

    For months, I was “trying to make my life better than crappy,” and I longed for good friends to spend time with and talk to.

    Dating

    I wanted to date more that I could ever express to you. I knew that Casey needed a father, and that I needed a husband. That is the way God intended families to be. I couldn’t stand the idea of raising Casey alone.

    Right after the divorce was finalized, I felt a huge impulse to reconnect with a young man I had really liked before I went to school. I drove up to Virginia once, and we had an awesome date. We talked all the time and had great chemistry. We were cherished friends. But…he didn’t want a relationship.

    There was also a guy I met in my Singles’ Ward who I instantly connected with. I loved going dancing with him, and we hit it off swimmingly. We also had great chemistry. I was confused by how he treated me, though, and in the end, he said didn’t see a long-lasting relationship with me.

    For months, those two dates were all I had. I ached for more dates, but I felt like an untouchable – undesirable, unattractive, and not confident.

    002
    I tried to look pretty when going to activities.

    The only man who showed me that I was wonderful was someone who had loved me since I was 14 – someone who was on a mission, and ironically, someone I never had romantic feelings for. I broke his heart as I told him I would never love him, all the while I was alone with no prospects. It was a sad situation.

    Being a good mom

    Deciding how to be a good mom was not easy to figure out. My most passionate feelings were that I needed to be with Casey as much as possible – that I needed to be there to nurture him, teach him, and raise him in righteousness. But I knew I couldn’t just be a stay at home mom living in my parent’s house. No, I knew I had to work.

    At that time, I felt comfortable working a part-time night job so I could be with my baby during the day, and then have my parents watch him at night. I remember the day I was immediately offered the job at Kerr Drug, my Dad shook his head with disappointment at how much I would be paid. He huffed, “That sucks!” He knew I could do so much better having a Bachelor’s Degree, but I was still confused at his reaction. I was Casey’s mother, and I needed to be the one to raise him.

    I also felt dating and having a social life was essential to being a good mom. Casey deserved a father figure in his life, and that wouldn’t happen without me dating. But, it took a toll on my parents to watch him as I went to church activities.

    Even though I hated the tension living at home was creating, I just couldn’t stand the idea of working full time. I did apply for other jobs, though, was offered an amazing full time writing position with the Mebane Enterprise. I turned it down when they wouldn’t let me work full time. Stupid decision? Maybe, but it wasn’t to me.

    For a while, I placed all my faith in becoming a bus driver. It would be perfect – I could work full time, get good pay, keep my child with me, and have time for social things at night. I waited, followed up, and waited some more. I never got the job, and was crushed.

    I was fresh out of ideas, and life wasn’t getting any happier.

    001
    My baby was the one who kept me going.

    I confided to my missionary friend that “This lifestyle is not any better than my bad marriage. It’s just different, and slightly less damaging to my soul.”

    What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t life getting better?

    The Family: A Proclamation to the World, has been a very special document to me. I remember hearing it read aloud for the first time when I was just 11 years old. I was entranced by it, and it helped me know the type of person I wanted to be, and what my priorities should be.

    For the months following my divorce, I was determined to get to a point where I could follow the words of the Proclamation:

    The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity…

    By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

    These words were so important to me. I wanted to have this sacred ordinance of marriage again. I wanted my child to be reared by a mother and a father. I wanted to fulfill my responsibility as a mother by primarily nurturing my child.

    I even used this phrase to remind my parents that they should be helping me: Extended families should lend support when needed.

    What was I supposed to do, when my parents got to a point that they wanted Casey and me to move out? I couldn’t do those things in the Proclamation without my parents.

    But wait…I believe it was my mother who pointed out a phrase I had forgotten in the Proclamation: Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.

    Other circumstances included my circumstance. Rather than being obsessed with changing my life as quickly as possible, I should have been thinking about what was best for Casey and me at that stage in our lives.

    My job at Kerr Drug wasn’t helping me use my education, or gain experience in the workforce. Being obsessed with dating and making friends was only causing me disappointment, pain, and impatience. Focusing on my needs at the expense of my parents was only harming our relationship.

    I had been doing it all wrong. I also had forgotten this from the Proclamation:

    All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.

    For all these months, and even before that, as I was enduring the emotional abuse in my marriage, I had forgotten that I was a daughter of God, and that I had a divine nature and destiny. I had made myself believe that I only had true worth if I were married with the ideal life. No, I always had divine worth, and I always had a friend in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

    I had been beating myself up for not being a worthy parent, but I had already been doing my best to fulfill these obligations outlined in the Proclamation: Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.

    Pondering on these beautiful messages in the Proclamation helped make the inevitable finding of a full-time job, and putting my sweet son in daycare, more manageable.

    It was scary to apply for, and eventually accept, a position at the AICPA in January 2007. Once I accepted the job, though, I felt it was the right thing to do, and I was excited.

    The hardest part was finding childcare for my baby. I did, though, and it was my parents’ next door neighbor. I was so sad to leave Casey every day, but I knew in my heart that I was doing something good for us. By working, I would soon be able to support us and move us into our very own home.

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    Casey at daycare – 2nd birthday

    Just a month after starting my job, I emailed this hopeful message to my friend:

    Casey is so smart. He talks very well and picks up on things so quickly. His favorite activity is vacuuming. He has a toy vacuum at his day care. My next door neighbor is his child care provider and he loves her. It took him a while to get used to being away from me so much, but he learns a lot over there. It’s hard not being with Casey all day anymore, but it’s probably for the best. I have lost a lot of weight and feel much better about my looks. I have a lot of friends, and just recently met a guy…that I have sort of been dating… So, that’s my life right now. It’s pretty good; I haven’t felt this complete in a long time. I still have a lot of expanding to do in my life, but it’s definitely better than it was.

    Life didn’t all of a sudden become perfect. Being a single mom was always hard. I was exhausted trying to run a household, work full time, raise a child, and try to be a good friend and date. But, my hope came back. My confidence came back. Most importantly, my joy came back. I was back to being me, and not who I thought I had to be to matter.

    casey and me

    For the four years I was single, I accepted my circumstances, until I met the right man, and married again.

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    March 6, 2010 Wedding Day

    The same Proclamation that helped me accept my circumstances, gave me the strength to leave my wonderful job at the AICPA to finally be able to concentrate on the nurture of [my] children.

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    Casey and Rigel, my second born

    From my experiences being a single mom, I gained a strong testimony that God loves each and every one of His children, and He will bless all of us as we do our very best, whatever our circumstances may be.