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Tag: fatherhood

  • A Tribute to My First Born

    Casey, you are 11 years old now, and as I have observed your actions lately with admiration, I wish to honor you with a tribute.

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    Are you always the perfect son? No, but I am not always the perfect mother, and nobody’s perfect. You and I both know where we need to improve, but that isn’t what a tribute is for. I wish to highlight and acknowledge your deeds and accomplishments so I can show you my gratitude, admiration and love.

    One thing that I love about you, Casey, is that if I need you, you are there. You don’t complain when I ask you to help with your brothers, or with cleaning, or with dinner. You do it, and you do it the best way you know how. I can’t express to you how much I need this from you, and appreciate it.

    I am not a perfect mother, Casey. You know that, but whether it is picking you up from school late because I forgot it was early release day, or raising my voice when I shouldn’t, or getting overly irritated with you, you love me anyway. You don’t scold me or get angry with me. You are understanding, and express that you know I have a lot on my plate, or that you understand that being a parent it hard. Thank you for loving me.

    You are a service-oriented boy too. When I suggest you write a note to someone, or make a craft, you do it willingly, and from the heart. As of late, you have even written me cards as an apology for something you did, or as a way to cheer me up. I cherish those cards, and will always keep them. You are willing to use your own money to buy gifts for family members too, and you carefully choose those gifts. What a thoughtful boy you are.

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    I love seeing you develop your talents, skills and interests. I can’t tell you how much it pleases me to see how much you love what I love – instruments, singing, baking, acting. The first few months of the year, we worked on our second musical together, and you asked me to help you learn the ensemble songs so you could sing in the background. You were responsible and made sure you were on stage at the right time, and you did your best with your parts.

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    You took part in a theater club this year too, and as one of your teachers, I was always impressed with your willingness to try anything. You gave your all to everything, from games, to improvisations, to singing. At our performance showcase, you sang “Out There” from The Hunchback of Notre Dame beautifully. It isn’t an easy song, but you made sure to analyze your character and try to show what he was feeling. Tears came to my eyes when you sang.

    This year as you learned a new instrument, the trombone, you always wanted to play songs for me, and you impressed me with your skills at your band concert.

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    You also did your best to memorize and perform “The Star Spangled Banner” for a group number at a recent Durham Bulls game. It made me smile to hear you practicing around the house, and I loved helping you practice too. Just a few days ago, you wanted to help me bake your birthday cake – you always want to help me bake. And going back to your service-oriented heart, you melted mine when you told me you set out the ingredients for me to make the icing. When I came downstairs later, I saw the ingredients lovingly laid out, and I smiled with adoration.

    Your spirituality strengthens my testimony. I always tear up when you bear your testimony in church. When your teachers tell me how much you know about the scriptures, I am so proud of you, and I know it is true. Each night when we read together as family, you have comments and questions. You pay attention and want to learn. I can’t tell you how proud I have been of you lately as you have also begun to do personal scripture study before bed. I love it when you come to me and report what you have read. You will be a wonderful missionary someday – no, you already are.

    School has always been a place you have excelled. I haven’t had to get on you about doing your homework or projects. You have your weaknesses in school, but overall, you are a good friend, someone your teachers love to have in class, and a really hard worker. Your final report card and EOG scores impressed me so much. You are a smart boy, but it isn’t just smarts that bring good grades. Dedication, motivation, high standards for yourself, team work, honesty, and humility are key elements too.

    On the last day of school, you presented a project on homelessness in North Carolina at the Orange County Library. You clearly did your research, and your concern for the homeless was evident. You really want to help them.

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    After school when you told me you want to help in soup kitchens, and really hold true to your word to help, you brought tears to my eyes. And when you said you wanted to use the money you would have received for your good grades to help the homeless, I was once again in awe of the goodness of your heart.

    How wonderful is it that you love projects too, especially when you get to spend time with your dad or me. I love how you want to help in the garden, paint, or assist with other projects. Just this past Saturday, you jumped at the chance to help me build a bathroom cabinet. It was such a fun experience to spend time together, make mistakes together, and then fix them together. You have an eye for building, and your observations were right on. The finished product was awesome, and it is because you were building it with me.

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    And finally, Casey, you are one affectionate young man. Your hugs, kisses and soft words can really calm a person. You know what gentleness brings peace, something that many people do not realize.

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    Casey, I am so blessed to be your mother. Heavenly Father knew I needed you when I needed you, and you will always be one of the most special people in my life. I love you, my dear son.

  • I learned, not failed

    Have you ever prayed out loud pleading, sobbing, hoping, asking?

    I did that recently. I had to. I was so confused, emotionally and physically exhausted, and feeling that I wasn’t doing my part well enough.

    March 18-19 2016, my mom and I attended an event in Raleigh put on by Deseret Book called Time Out for Women (TOFW).

    My feelings about this event are best summarized by my Facebook post on the 19th: Last night and today have been one of the greatest experiences I have had for a long time. My mom is with me. We are seeing old friends, feeling the Spirit, laughing, learning, and crying. The music and speakers are all phenomenal, and I look forward to the rest of today!

    This event changed my perspective, and possibly my life.

    I took many notes during the event, as all the speakers and performers had such lovely and insightful things to say. Here are some of the points that meant the most to me:

    1. John Bytheway, spoke of gardens. The garden was a metaphor for one’s testimony of Christ and His gospel. He said that all you have to do to lose your garden is nothing. Am I currently working to increase my testimony, or am I letting the weeds grow? Among many other important metaphors and points, he quoted this by Neal A. Maxwell: “In conclusion, the submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we “give,” brothers and sisters, are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!” I do try to give my will to God. It was His will that I start my business, for example. I just wish I knew why…
    2. Jenny Oaks Baker, the most beautiful violinist I have ever heard, said that we should have faith in the Lord, not in that certain things will happen in our lives. Am I dreaming too much, and not thinking enough about my faith?
    3. Wendy Ulrich talked of failing verses learning. She said failure doesn’t define us or finish us. We learn instead of fail. She asked us to think to ourselves, “What risk do I need to take even though I am afraid to fail?” What if I quit my business? I would be a failure, right? If not, what on earth am I learning?
    4. Mary Ellen Edmunds talked about an African saying – “I am well if you are well.” She said that love is the best medicine and that we should give another dose if one doesn’t work. She quoted Thoreau: “Love is the only investment that never fails.” She testified that kindness and love bring power over mind, heart and behavior. Am I giving enough love? If love is the only investment that never fails, I need to do more investing.  
    5. A sweet local from Cary said, “God gave us everything. All He asks is sacrifice from us.” Am I sacrificing enough for Him?
    6. Eric Huntsman said that he learned about Jesus on his mother’s knee. This image struck me to the core, and I felt incredibly inadequate. Will my kids learn from my knee? I felt that my priorities should be teaching the gospel to my children. I starred a couple scriptures that he quoted:
      1. Alma 5:26 – And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? Can I ?
      2. 1 John 3:2 – Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. All that matters is that I am like Him.
    7. Calee Reed was the extremely talented singer on the second day. She spoke about how we should always remember we are daughters of God and that He loves us. She said that knowing that helps her feel better about herself and the mundane things she has to do as a mother. I struggle with the mundane. That is why I try so hard to make something of myself and do, do, do.
    8. Sandra Turley quoted the song “We Must Sing” by Rob Gardner. My favorite verse was: “God made our voices, but we must make them sing. God gave us voices so we must sing.” She said we need to grow our testimony of Christ before our talents, and then use our talents to share our testimony. She said we must give our kids faith or we have given little. We must sing to defend God. I have talents, and I used to use them all the time for sharing my testimony and defending God. Now, I don’t have time to do my blogging…
      1. During her talk, when she was talking about praising God, I had a random thought, and that was that God doesn’t care about our weight or what we look like on the outside. Do we as women focus on that too much? My business focuses a lot on outside looks (well, inner health too).
    9. Emily Belle Freeman gave a touching talk about true friendships and hospitality. During her talk, I had a few thoughts:
      1. We shouldn’t do something for what it will do for us, because we already have all we need with God and family. Wow, I really do, don’t I?
      2. Sometimes something is right, but not right now. What should wait?
      3. The mundane isn’t really mundane. Wow, I really haven’t had time to do the mundane lately. I wish I had more time to keep my home clean or cook nice meals…

    These were my favorite points from TOFW, though the entire event nourished my soul, and helped me bond with my mom. As we drove home from Raleigh, I ended up in tears as I spoke to her. I told her of my concerns about not having enough time for my family and for the things that matter most. I told her many of the things that stuck out to me from TOFW, and that I felt like I wasn’t doing those things well enough.

     

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    My greatest concern was my business with It Works. I reminded her and myself of the strong, overwhelming spiritual prompting I had gotten to start my business less than six months before. I was just so confused. I couldn’t quit! Not when He had told me to do this. It has only been a short time!

    Once we arrived back to her home, I said hello to my dad, and hugged my mom goodbye to drive my car home. During that ride home was when I gave my desperate and fervent vocal prayer to my Heavenly Father. I tried to be as in tune with the Spirit as possible as I communed with Him.

    When I came home, I wrote down my thoughts:

    1. The financial dreams my family wrote together don’t really matter.
    2. We have ALL we need already.
    3. I don’t have to do my book right now (a desire I have had for some time.)
    4. I have no time for love, and that is what I need most.
    5. My final thought was that my family needs to be together all the time – that was a worthwhile dream.

    I saw number 5 as a somewhat comforting reason to remain with my business. And life went on for nearly a month. I continued working my business, but the joy wasn’t there. The motivation and inspiration wasn’t there. The success I had seen before wasn’t happening.

    Then, the morning of April 12, I went to my church Institute class about the Savior.

    The Spirit touched me to the very center when we read this scripture (Alma was quoting the prophet Zenos, and what he said about prayer):

    And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity ; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions , for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son. Alma 33:11

    What part struck me? The very small line: “For in thee is my joy.”

    I was overcome with my lack of joy at that time. My business wasn’t bringing me joy. I was overworked physically and mentally. I had so much going on in my life that I couldn’t breathe. Where is my joy? Is should be in Christ, and I have not had time to focus on Him!

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    In the next lesson that same day, we talked about Christ’s second coming.

    We read a powerful quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “While we are powerless to alter the fact of the Second Coming and unable to know its exact time, we can accelerate our own preparation and try to influence the preparation of those around us. … “What if the day of His coming were tomorrow? If we knew that we would meet the Lord tomorrow—through our premature death or through His unexpected coming— what would we do today? What confessions would we make? What practices would we discontinue? What accounts would we settle? What forgiveness would we extend? What testimonies would we bear? “If we would do those things then, why not now? Why not seek peace while peace can be obtained? If our lamps of preparation are drawn down, let us start immediately to replenish them.”

    This quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that I would do things so much differently if I knew that the Savior were to return tomorrow. Nothing was more clear to me at that moment than that I needed to quit my business. I knew that though it wasn’t a bad endeavor, it was stopping me from preparing myself, my family, and those around me spiritually for Christ. I had realized earlier that day that in Christ should be my joy. He is everything. What was I giving to Him?

    So, I went home that day feeling that I really needed to get rid of something. I knew the first thing was definitely my business. I was a little scared, but I prayed for reassurance, and I got it. Within a few hours, I sent a sincere and heartfelt email to my upline and friend, Amber.

    I told her how I had been struggling with my business for quite some time. Financially, it wasn’t providing for me, even though I was working hard. In the past months, if I ever felt discouraged and ready to quit, I could feel God bless me with a new customer or a new promotion or a new idea. But, that had not been happening. My distributors weren’t working, and potential customers weren’t signing. I had taken a blow just a couple weeks before realizing that even if I promote, I have to requalify for my rank each month. Where is the stability and consistency in that?

    I gave her many reasons for thinking of quitting, like my joy and desire wavering. I told her that “this business has not done for me what is most important for my family and for my spirituality,” and “the time I have devoted has taken me away from things I love, including blogging.”

    I said, “I know that to be really successful, I need this business to become my top priority, but if I have felt anything lately, it is that my family and my devotion to Christ must be my top priority. I don’t have to be wealthy and my husband doesn’t have to stay at home.”

    I told her that I didn’t regret doing It Works, but I hadn’t felt peace with it for some time. I told her that “writing this email with my thoughts is bringing me a lot of peace.”

    My initial thought was that I wouldn’t quit until the end of the week. I would give it some time to see if anything happened that would help me be successful. But, then, when my husband got home that evening, we had a tearful heart to heart. I told him about the email, and about my thoughts. I felt the Spirit as I told him that my priorities needed to shift and that our family and God is all that matters.

    He told me he was proud of me and that he could tell I was making decisions with the Spirit. He reassured me that he is happy to work, and that we don’t have to be rich. Our dreams were good, but our family is what matters most.

    So, that night, I emailed Amber again and told her that I would indeed be quitting. It felt so good.

    She did not write me back right away, and after several days, I was worried that she was really angry with me. It turns out my email had gone to her spam folder, and I was so relieved and grateful that she was really supportive and understanding.

    It has been a couple weeks since I decided to quit my business, and I have not felt regret. I reflected on the prayer I had on the way home from TOFW, and I realized my interpretation of the thought that my family needs to be together all the time was wrong. What Heavenly Father was telling me was that my family needed to be together eternally – that is all that matters.

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    That interpretation has inspired me. I am still catching up on many “to dos” since the musical has been over (something else that took much of my time, but was such a blessing), but soon that list will get smaller and smaller until I can focus my time and attention on loving my family, doing the mundane things that aren’t so mundane, giving service, and sharing the gospel through my blog.

    I have asked myself a few times why did Heavenly Father want me to start my business in the first place if I was only going to quit in six months?

    I wish I had a true answer for that. Jad thinks that maybe the skills I learned in networking will help me reach more people with my blog. I did learn a new skill and overcome a fear of videotaping myself speaking. Perhaps that will become useful someday. Or, maybe it is as Wendy Ulrich said : maybe it isn’t failing; it is learning.

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    Well, I have learned a lot. And the love I was missing is coming back to me. I thank God for His infinite wisdom, and for His hand in my life. I know He knows what is best for me, and that He desires my joy!

    I must make a clarification that I am in no way saying that home businesses are not a good thing, or that dreams of financial freedom aren’t merited, or that an absence of joy in something is always a justified reason to move on. I simply mean that for me, and for my family, there is another plan at this time. The only thing I can continue to do is to follow where the Spirit leads me, and be willing to give my entire will to God (the only thing of mine I can truly give), no matter what.

    If He is the guide on my journey and I always choose to follow Him, my destination will always be Heaven, either on earth or in the eternities.

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  • Why Everyone should be in a Musical

    This past Saturday, ended a time of my life that was most precious – my time rehearsing for and performing in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with the Durham Stake of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

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    I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. There is something incredibly unique about participating in a musical. The experiences you have can’t be found in their entirety in any other way.

    I have loved musicals since I was 13. The first musical I ever heard was The Phantom of the Opera, in my 8th grade Drama class. Throughout my entire adolescence, I drank in as many musicals as I could. I would sing them as loudly as I could in my room, and play them on the piano (while also singing). I felt like I could be anybody when I sang from these musicals, and as I sang, I felt I was them.

    In high school, I had the pleasure of playing Hodel in Fiddler on the Roof my Sophomore Year, and then Catherine in Pippin my Senior year.

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    A couple years ago, I was able to perform in another musical by my Stake called Sing Down the Moon: Appalachian Wonder Tales. That was a special experience because I got to perform with my son, Casey, for the first time, and also work with people of many different ages.

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    Now, after this performance of Chitty, I know that my love of musicals will always run through my veins, and I want to share with you now why I think everyone should be in a musical sometime in their lives:

    1. You get to go through the audition process!

    You might be thinking, “Isn’t that the least exciting, and scariest part?” Actually, to me, it is a huge motivator. Once I know what show is being done, I do my research. If I don’t know what the show is about already, I find out. I listen to the music. Then, I determine which role/roles I want to be considered for. Once I do that, I very carefully choose a song and monologue to showcase how I perceive the character.

    For Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I knew without a doubt I wanted to play the Baroness. I knew her role would be challenging because she has to have impeccable comedic timing, she has to be noticed at all times, and she has to be a likable character while also portraying clearly that she hates/fears children.

    It took me a long time to decide what song I wanted to audition with, but I finally chose “Let’s Go to the Movies” from Annie. With this song, I could move, be a little sassy, and show the richness of my voice. A monologue wasn’t required for the auditions, but I wanted to go above and beyond. I knew easily that I wanted to portray Helga Pataki from my favorite childhood show, Hey Arnold. She is one who has a cruel exterior, but a mushy heart for her true love. She is incredibly animated, and her voice goes quite high pitched, like how I imagined the Baroness speaking.

    Auditions were really fun. I loved having Casey with me for that. He chose to sing ”Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from Mary Poppins because it was a song he loved and was comfortable doing. That was perfect for him.

    I was thrilled to receive a callback for the Baroness. We were given songs to practice and a couple scenes to go over. You better believe I practiced and practiced, and practiced some more. I asked my high school theater teacher, Carol Halbert, for advice, and she said to perform so that the director sees nobody else but me. I took that to heart, and erased all fear and reservations.

    For example, instead of just crawling around half-heartedly during a scene where the Baroness freaks out about children coming to Vulgaria, I thought out how a small child throws a tantrum, and did that myself – kicking, screaming, and rolling around.

    Everyone laughed their heads off, and I was pleased. By the same token, I also had a blast watching other people’s interpretations of the Baron, Baroness, and the Spies. Everyone was hilarious in their own ways, that it was really hard to guess who would be cast. I honestly would have been happy for anyone. I could see from that day that I was going to make some great friendships in the show.

    I truly believe that the audition and call back process is a premium way for you to get your head in the game, be completely committed, and to enter the realm of the musical.

    1. You can forget everything else about your life when you are at rehearsal.

    There aren’t that many places you can go where you can completely focus on something else, and let the rest of the world pass you by. Theater is one avenue you can do that, because you literally are in another place, and you are portraying another person other than yourself. Even though rehearsing is very hard work, it is also relaxing in that you can leave the rest of your cares behind for a couple hours.

    1. You get to wear clothes, and do your hair and makeup in a way you never would otherwise.

    I am not the type of person who would wear silky pajamas with a red feathery robe, or a soft pink night gown in public. I wouldn’t wear a skin tight dress that sparkles so much, it hurts your eyes either. But, I did in the musical, and rather than cause me embarrassment, it enhanced the character of the Baroness.

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    And the last night I wore that gold dress, my co-Baroness even told me I looked “hot.” It sure gave me the confidence to get on stage and do the “Bombie Samba” one last time.

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    I have a cool story about one of my costumes. In Chitty, I played Baroness Bomburst two out of the four nights, but the other nights I played a small part called Miss Phillips. She was a cold, biting, humorless woman, who was unwilling to help Caractacus Potts in any way. I was having the hardest time finding a costume that felt right for her. Well, something told me to look around my closet one more time, and I remembered a khaki dress I had. Yeah, I don’t wear khaki, but the dress was given to me, and I always felt I shouldn’t get rid of it. Well, I felt that this was the reason – I needed it for Miss Phillips. (Ironically, nobody took a picture of me in this costume.)

    I must give a special thank you to my sister, Mariah, for providing most of my big, blingy jewelry for the show. I can’t tell you how many times I got compliments on my earrings, bracelets, rings and necklaces for the show. It’s nice to have a sister who loves bling!

    I felt I definitely learned some new makeup skills from this show. It is funny – when I first started putting on the makeup for dress rehearsals, I was so embarrassed about it because it was so bright, but by the time the show was over, I thought that my normal amount of makeup was too light.

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    I asked a friend of mine, Sarah Jarvis, to do my hair for the Baroness because she is amazing with hair. I loved spending time with her as she did this act of service for me.

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    The kids in the show, who played Vulgarian children, took their hair and makeup very seriously as they rubbed brown all over their faces, and teased their hair up so much that I feared they would never be able to brush it again.

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    Choosing your costumes, and doing your hair and makeup right for a show takes creativity and artistic talent. It is so much fun to do!

    1. You have so much fun together, you form beautiful friendships and even feel like family.

    My church is huge, and I definitely don’t know all the church members in my area. Some people started out being acquaintances, and ended up being close friends. Others, who I had never met, became people who I will always feel comfortable with and will smile at in the future. I got to make friends with men, women, teens, and children. I just love youth so much, and bonding with them made me feel young and relevant.

    The cast really had so much fun together. One example is that while backstage before the “Bombie Samba,” all the Vulgarians would pretend to be the Baron and Baroness as they spoke and sang. It was extra funny and poignant to me because I knew that two nights of the four, they were doing that to my voice.

    My greatest friendship formed from Chitty was a result of giving rides to neighbors who were in the show. Katie Ricks, who is 16, is a young lady that I now call a close friend. She and I went to many rehearsals with just the two of us, and we had such fun, and sometimes, deep conversations, about important things like boys.  I am grateful for her friendship!

    It was so evident to me just how much the cast had become my family on closing night. Before the show started, the cast sang “Families Can Be Together Forever,” and as tears streamed down my face, I thought of how we really were like a family, and how I would cherish these memories and experiences for the rest of my life. That whole night, I kept tearing up because I knew it was the last time we could sing “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” together, help each other with hair and makeup, or talk with our Vulgarian or British accents.

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    I was so grateful to members of the cast during the show that night too. My son, Casey, came down with a bad earache, and so many people helped him, either by offering medicine, consoling him, or giving him direction to lie down and let his ear drain. Because these people cared about my son, they helped him and gave him the ability to continue on and finish out the show.

    1. You have to put your trust in others.

    The first type of trust I am thinking of is trust in one’s safety. In the show, I had to trust a lot of people when I was the Baroness. I had to trust Christian, who played the Baron, that he wouldn’t drop me when dipping me low to the ground, or that he wouldn’t hurt me right after that as he threw me on the stage. I had to trust that when I fainted into teenage girls and rolled across all of them, that they would hold me up, and not send me crashing down. I had to then trust the Baron to catch me right after that. I had to trust people to help the Baron and I get down the stage steps safely while we were tied together.

    The hardest thing for me was to trust a group of men to pick me up, as I fainted to the side, and carry me to the center of the stage. The first time I realized I had to do that, I freaked out a little, but I learned to trust them.

    I also had to trust that those I acted with would work hard, learn their lines, and desire for us to do our best. I had to trust that those who gave me advice were helping me look and sound even better. Thankfully, with this fine group of people, that wasn’t hard to do at all.

    One of the best pieces of advice I got had to do with the lift in the Samba, actually. Lisa, the stage manager, told me to fall to the side with one leg raised. After the men lifted me, I would then cross my other leg over. That piece of advice immediately changed everything – I was no longer afraid of the lift – in fact, I looked forward to it. I am grateful for all the advice I got from my director, the producer, and the music directors.

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    1. You have to be disciplined and focused.

    If you have never acted, sung or danced in front of others, you may take for granted how difficult that really is. You can work for hours and weeks on a scene or song, and still not be satisfied with it. It takes repetition, analysis of scenes and characters, accepting and applying of feedback, and consistent effort to get good enough to perform. If you don’t believe it, the audience won’t. To be successful in theater, you must also stay focused on your character. No matter what happens on stage – a mistake in a line, the forgetting of a line, or even an unexpected trip or fall, you must stay in character, or else the audience will stop believing.

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    The last Friday I played the Baroness, the little Vulgarian children tied us up really tight in the Happy Birthday banner. They had to pull us to downstage right, and that night they pulled us too hard and the Baron and I both tumbled to the ground. We could have gasped, or laughed, or cried out in pain, but we stayed in character. What made it even harder to stay in character, was the adorable kids on stage who worriedly asked us if we were okay and extended loving arms to lift us up. Seeing as how they were playing characters who hated us, and I was playing a character who feared them, it was interesting to make that work. I accepted their help hesitantly, but out of necessity, all the while pretending like it was disgusting to have them touch me. And It wasn’t until after we got off stage that I burst out in uncontrollable laughter, and then realized my knee hurt.

    Speaking of the Baron, Christian was the definition of focused and disciplined. Sometimes I almost thought he was too focused on rehearsing. He liked to take every spare moment to run a song or lines. I came to really value that quality, though. Had he not done that, I am not sure our scenes would have been as polished.

    I have to tell a story of a tender mercy, too. There were times during the duration of the show that I was insanely busy and felt I was drowning. I was certainly focused and disciplined, but I just didn’t have the time to memorize all my lines by the date Taunja requested it. So, I did the best I could by memorizing only what I thought we would be rehearsing on a given night. Well, one rehearsal (the first off-book rehearsal, in fact), we were supposed to only go over the “Choochie Face” scene. I memorized that and practiced it quite a bit. But, because some other things got done more quickly than expected, Taunja wanted us to go over several other scenes. I nearly panicked. I said a little prayer, and asked Bethany if she could do the scenes before me. Well, with God’s help, I was able to memorize the lines to each scene in the few minutes while Bethany went over each one. I am not that fast of a memorizer – I know God helped me, and I believe He did because He knew my heart. He knew I was dedicated, but that I needed a little extra help. I find that is true in my life in general – when I do the best I can, God makes up the difference.

    1. You learn to be humble and work as a team, rather than competitors.

    No matter what, there will be someone who sees something you don’t, or has an idea you didn’t come up with, or does something better than you, or receives more praise than you. I have seen actors in the past, with lead roles, that are kind of snobby towards others because of it. They do themselves a disservice in doing so. I never felt that anyone was that way in Chitty, but rather took the opportunity to seek advice from others, and realize that alone, nobody can perform perfectly.

    I was the Baroness only half the time, and spent much of my time rehearsing alongside Bethany, the other Baroness. For the first couple months of rehearsal, we didn’t work together much, though, other than with learning songs. She and I both had a different Baron. Then, one day, we started sharing our Baron, and though it was hard at first, we made it work. We didn’t get jealous of each other, and Christian was so good to both of us.

    Rather than be competitive with each other, and try to prove that we were the better actress, we worked together. We helped each other, and gave each other tips. We accepted those tips graciously. It was a lovely partnership.

    One example of a victory that came from us working together, was when the three of us started researching tantrum videos for toddlers. We weren’t getting the tantrum scene just right, and wanted inspiration. Well, we found a video of a kid who was hitting irrationally, and we had an Aha moment. We spent quite a while taking turns trying new ways to do our tantrum, and by the end, we felt so much better about it! It ended up being one of the most fun and hilarious scenes of the show (maybe we are biased, but my friend, Kimberly, did say she was laughing so hard, she cried, when she saw that scene).

     

    bethany and me

    1. You rejoice in the success of others.

    I think this goes along with humility. In a musical, you can choose to only focus on yourself and how well you are doing, or you can take the time to observe others around you and appreciate their grand performances. It always meant so much to me when someone would smile at me and tell me I did a great job on a song I sang, or a tantrum I did. It really helped motivate me to continue on and do my best. I also tried to do that for the rest of my cast. I truly did admire everyone for their hard work, poise, professionalism, can-do attitudes, helping hands, and cheerful demeanors. We sure had a cast full of hilarity, awesome dance moves, and angelic singing voices.

    I remember a few times while watching the show from the sidelines (either during rehearsals or performances) that I felt just how wonderful people were. Some examples were:

    1. Hearing the audience cheer as they saw the tiny blimp carry Grandpa’s tiny laboratory across the sky (Lisa, our stage manager, spent many hours perfecting it, and it was perfect).
    2. Watching the bamboo dancers do acrobatics I could never do, and cheerfully too!
    3. Seeing our new turkey farmer for the first time do his scene, and how he did it perfectly.
    4. Hearing how Anjuli perfected her accent for Violet.
    5. Listening to the angelic music of “Hushabye Mountain” or “Lovely, Lonely Man.”
    6. Laughing hysterically at the inventors, or at the spies as they moved across the stage.
    7. Watching Bethany do the tantrum so perfectly, I laughed like I had never seen it before.
    8. Hearing Taunja excitedly praise the puppies for being so adorable, and the kids for making her cry when singing “Teamwork.”

    Bambooing Bethany Samba! Doll on a Music Box Haircut Roses Kick Line Sound!!! We swam all the way from Englandchitty

    1. You understand that each and every person plays an essential part in the success of the show.

    It would be a mistake to assume that the lead actors are the most important part of a musical, or that really any one group of people (cast or crew) is more important. All of us make those wheels turn, from the person who opens and closes the curtain, to the people who move the props, to the sound and light technicians, to anyone and everyone. We are all crucial to believability and enjoyability of the musical.

    Someone who cannot be missed is President Hansen, who not only played an inventor in the show, but also introduced the show each night, and gave the opening prayer. On opening night, when he gave the prayer, I felt a sudden calm and peace come over me. I knew that everything would be okay. Even if I, or anyone in my beloved cast, didn’t perform everything perfectly, the audience would still love the show. Because of his prayer, and the prayers of others, we were successful each and every night of the show.

    I hope nobody in Chitty every felt insignificant. I got to be on two sides of the acting spectrum, being a lead on two nights, and being ensemble, with a small speaking role, the other two nights. I may not have had as much to do on stage on my ensemble nights, but I sang my heart out on side stage, I was there for Bethany to help her change her clothes and make sure she had her props, I owned my little speaking part, and I reacted as much as possible when in the Vulgarian scenes. Were those little parts important? Of course! And every single person in the show who did anything, played an essential role.

    vulgarian2

    1. You realize that the show isn’t about you.

    Our director, Taunja Ingram, helped us always remember that we were doing this show for God and for the benefit of our community. Through our performance, we would be lifting others’ spirits, and helping them feel God’s love. Our performance was for God, and it was for His children. It wasn’t for our own fame or accolades, but it could nourish our souls as we nourished others. I think the show meant so much more to us because of that.

    Before one of the shows we did, Taunja read this scripture, which touched us all:

    But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that they performance may be for the welfare of thy soul (2 Nephi 32:9).’

    It filled my heart with gladness when I saw the smiles on the faces of my family, friends, and people of the community after each show Their joy was evident and I am grateful that this cast and crew was able to bring laughter and love to each of them.

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    kam and me

    kimberly

    me and jada

     

    1. The music becomes a part of you forever.

    This goes for the actors, crew, and the audience. My children have not stopped singing the songs since they first saw it. My son, Rigel, will sing “Me Ol’Bamboo” almost all day long.

    Driving in the car to and from rehearsals and performances, Casey, Annika, Katie and I would have a blast singing the songs at the top of our lungs in our accents.

    I always would light up hearing children in the cast sing “The Bombie Samba” or “Choochie Face.” They would have so much light in their eyes as they imitated these fun songs. (As a side note, the first time I heard “The Bombie Samba,” I thought it was really dumb. Now, I know it will never leave my mind and heart as long as I live).

    As a cast, we would sing Teamwork”  before each performance, and then chant “Oh yes! Go Go!” It really did bring us together and pump us up for the show.

    20160414_18470520160414_184710

    1. You get to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

    I played a few characters in the show. Pulling from that, and also from past shows I have done, I have to say that I feel most satisfied with my performances when I am no longer pretending to be a character, but when I have stepped directly in that character’s shoes and become her. When I am on stage, I am not Mandy, and the actors around me are not known by their names. No, we are our characters. It makes all the difference in delivery. If you believe, the audience will believe. This is not easy to do. It takes so much preparation.

    This also includes learning their accents, and finding the intonation of voice that makes the most sense for them in different situations. I got to learn the Vulgarian accent, and also use the British accent on my off nights. Zometimes I find myself speaking in Vulgarian in mein head, and it delights me because it means I haven’t completely removed her shoes from my feet.

    me barone

    I always like to have heart to hearts with my characters and ask them their back stories, and why they feel the way they feel. Why are they compelled to do what they are going to do, or have done? Who do they love? Who do they hate? What do they fear? What do they love and loathe about themselves? What habits do they have and why?

    You can do this as a lead character or an ensemble member, and it will change you as a person as you build this empathy.

    1. You are the most honest version of yourself.

    Some people equate actors with being good liars. I don’t think that is true at all. I think actors are the most honest people there are. They are vulnerable and fearless. They portray emotions that others hide inside. It could be true love, irrational fears, insanity, childishness, sexy confidence, uncertainty, tenderness, utter hatred, and so much more. Actors have to find a way to dig deep inside themselves to find a memory, or a thought that will help them show the audience exactly what their character is thinking, feeling, or doing. This is hard, and it takes complete honesty.

    1. You can do things on stage people would think you were crazy for in real life.

    I chuckle as I think about some of the stuff I did as the Baroness. I am pretty sure if my face were that animated, my voice that high pitched, my singing notes that off, my movements that exaggerated, my vanity so apparent, that people would never talk to me or come around me again. That is one thing I absolutely love about theater. You can be completely over the top and nobody will get freaked out. Your movements, diction, and facial expressions are supposed to be more deliberate and expressive. As you learn to do this, it can be intimidating at first, but oh, how it enlivens you.

     

    tantrum

    me crazy face

    Now, I won’t do everything on stage. For example, Christian and I played husband and wife, but we knew without talking about it we wouldn’t kiss onstage because we were both happily married. We were still able to give a believable husband/wife relationship without kissing, which was a fun challenge to conquer.

    1. You gain a tremendous amount of confidence.

    I realized this early on in my life. I used to be so shy, and really uncomfortable in my own skin. But, once I started taking acting classes, and being challenged to do things I had never done before, I transformed. I no longer have anxiety about singing, speaking, or acting in public. I can do it. I can do humorous, tender, flirty, angry or devastated improvisations any time now because I have taught myself how to, and am not afraid to be vulnerable.

    If you work hard, and really own everything you do in theater, you will overcome shyness, and you will realize that you can do anything if you believe in yourself. I love not caring about what everyone thinks about me all the time. Theater helps with that. You just are you, and that is wonderful!

    The confidence also comes because if you are given a task in a show, you do it. You may be a little scared, but you take on the challenge, and practice it until you get it right. For the longest time, I was so nervous about dancing “The Bombie Samba” choreography. There was one part I didn’t get right for the longest time. A week or two before dress rehearsal, I finally got it because I kept asking for help. I didn’t give up. I also never thought I could sing and dance at the same time, but by performance time, I could do it, and I did, because I didn’t give up. I practiced and practiced, and had faith that if I was given the task, it was because I could accomplish it.

    My heart lit up after my final Baroness performance when Taunja excitedly told me that she thought my Samba was perfect that night. She said I owned it, and that it was mine. The one scene that always scared me I did perfectly? I thanked God for that blessing.

    samba

    You may wonder how one can be humble and also confident in theater. It is possible, and I can assure you, if that gets hard, God will have a sense of humor and help keep you humble. The same night I felt I did super well, I actually had burning, watery eyes all night. I had a fake lash blunder, so all night my eyes were swollen, and my eyes leaking. It kept me humble, but also gave me an opportunity to stay in character and continue to be confident no matter what. I thank God for that opportunity.

     

    Are 15 reasons enough to convince you to try musical theater someday? I know I could come up with more, but these are at the forefront of my heart and mind.

    I will cherish my time with the cast and crew of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the rest of my life. I will never forget my love for the Baroness. She is a part of me now. I know her completely.

    love these people

    The people I worked with I will always admire and be grateful for. I am grateful for their talents, their advice, their encouragement, their smiles and laughter, their dedication, and their hearts. We were a good team. I am also so grateful for my family, who was a huge part of my team – especially my husband. With his support, I was able to consistently go to my rehearsals, that took up much of my time. And I am grateful for all who came to see the show – without an audience, the dream can’t be realized. Much love to you all!

    Teamwork, can make a dream work, if we all pitch in and try.
    Teamwork can make a dream work, and no mountain is too high!
    If the same great dream is beating in each heart,
    There’s no stopping what a fighting team can start.
    For, all together, a team can weather, any storm they may go through.
    Yes, teamwork, can make a dream work, can make the greatest dreams come true.

     

    vulgarian children

     

  • More than just Terms of Endearment

    Casey, Rigel, and Kamren, you mean more to me than I could ever express to you. You are the boys that Heavenly Father saw fit to send to me. You made me a mother, and I want you to know that I am your biggest fan, and that I see the divine worth and potential in each of you. When you were little, I gave each of you a term of endearment. I hope to show you there is more to these than just a name, and I pray that you will use the attributes of your special names to become good and righteous men:

    Bumblebee

    My first born, Casey, you are my Bumblebee. This name came from a yellow sleeper you wore when you were an infant. It was my favorite outfit of yours as it brought out your shining eyes and sweet smile.  I knew it would characterize you perfectly.

    casey bumblebee

    I wish for you to be as your namesake – peaceful and unaggressive. Bumblebees do not harm others, unless they are defending themselves. I pray that you will be one who will defend righteous causes, but at the same time, desire peace and understanding with everyone around you.

    I wish for you to focus on what matters most, and labor diligently to bring forth much good fruit.

    weeds

    You may not know, but one third all of all human food requires bee pollination. Without the bee, humans could not survive.

    bumble bee

    The crops bumblebees provide for humans, and the flowers they provide for other animals, bring them nourishment to live their lives to the fullest. I pray you will, through your good deeds and kind words, nourish the souls of those you meet and love.

    fruits

    Bumblebees have tiny wings, and shouldn’t be able to fly, but they do it anyway, and they do it so well. I admonish you to never allow anyone to tell you that you can’t do something. You can do anything. You are a child of the most High, and if you follow His counsel, and the counsel of your parents, you can fulfill all of your righteous and worthy desires.

    not able to fly

    I love you, my Bumblebee.

    Shining Star

    My second born, Rigel, you are my Shining Star. You are so named because yours is the name of the brightest star in the constellation Orion. A peace comes to my heart each time we look at your star in the night sky together.

    orion

    I told you one night not long ago why you are my shining star. It is because of the light you bring to others through your good humor, your kindness, and your fun, friendly disposition. You are a friend to all.

    rigel star

    The words of a song, “Every Star is Different,” I wish for you to emulate:

    I can shine for others

    And let them feel my love,

    Follow the commandments

    That come from God above.

    I can help another

    To learn to choose the right.

    Having faith and courage

    Will let my star shine bright.

     star of bethlehem

    Remember the most important and most brilliant star ever to shine was the Star of Bethlehem. This star represented the light of Christ. It was a sign of His birth, and led the wise men to Him.

    star of bethlehem you

    You, through your words and deeds, can also lead others to Christ. I pray that you share the gospel every day of your life.

    light so shine

    Never hide your light, my son. Always let it shine and do good works.

    I love you, my Shining Star.

    Angel

    My third born, Kamren, you are my Angel. I call you this because I believe angels helped bring you to this earth.

    kam angel
    Looking like an angel at 9 months old.

    There are many accounts in the scriptures of angels. God has used them throughout time for many reasons – to show love, concern and mercy, to bring messages of great importance, to warn, or to provide guidance.

    angel shepherds

    You may not be one of these angels, but as Jeffrey R. Holland, Apostle in the LDS church, said, “…not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with … Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”

    angel

    My Kamren, I pray that you will be kind, good and pure your whole life. You are already so sweet, affectionate and giving.

    Angels on earth also use their words, my son. Nephi, in the Book of Mormon, spoke of speaking with a new tongue – the tongue of angels, after being baptized and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. He said, “Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ (2 Nephi 32:2-3).”

    earth angel

    Kamren, how interesting it is that you do not speak many words now. However, the Spirit has testified to me, that someday, your voice will be strong and will ring with the Truth of Christ.

    Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity…With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”

    My Kamren, I know that you will bring hope, comfort, and peace to others as you exhibit these angelic qualities throughout your life.

    I love you, my Angel.

    ************************************************************************************

    Casey, Rigel, and Kamren – even if I do not always call you by these terms of endearment, these names and these hopes for you are always in my heart. I love you all with my whole soul, always and forever!

  • The Enemy

    But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; (Matthew 5:44).

    jesus_love_your_enemies_poster-r095f91d77b374d53a34bdc354083c0fe_infcy_8byvr_1024

    “Lord, this is too hard,” many of you may say when you read those verses. How can we love, bless, do good to and pray for those who take advantage of us, speak badly of us, treat us like we are horrible people, criticize and argue with us, and even try to silence us?

    I watched a movie called War Room a few months ago that stopped me in my tracks. My mind hasn’t been able to shake the messages of an old woman named Miss Clara, to a young wife and mother named Elizabeth.

    Elizabeth, confiding to Miss Clara about her relationship with her husband, Tony, said, “If there’s one thing we do well, it’s fight.”

    Miss Clara retorted, “No, I don’t think you do. Just because you argue a lot doesn’t mean you fight well. I bet you never feel like you’ve won.”

    And why wouldn’t she ever win? Aren’t arguments something that people win or lose? Isn’t that what opposing forces do?

    Miss Clara later proclaimed this, “Your husband has his own issues, but he’s not your enemy.”

    Then who is the enemy?

    A jolt of recognition and clarity rang through my entire body as she counseled that the Devil is the real enemy:

    “He comes to steal, kill and destroy—stealing your joy, killing your faith and trying to destroy your family.”

    Miss Clara also said, “Very few of us know how to fight the right way or understand who we are really fighting against.”

    That is why Elizabeth could never win a fight with her husband: she was fighting the wrong way, and with the wrong person.

    There is no question in my mind that we are fighting in a war daily. We think we are in a war with the people around us who argue with us, who put us down, who talk about us behind our backs, who persecute us, or who cause us to yell or cry out in frustration.

    Yes, there is a fight to win, but we must always remember our real opponent, and figure out the right way to beat him.  As James E. Faust clarified, “Satan is our greatest enemy and works night and day to destroy us. But we need not become paralyzed with fear of Satan’s power. He can have no power over us unless we permit it. He is really a coward, and if we stand firm he will retreat” (“Be Not Afraid,” Ensign,‍ Oct. 2002, 4).

    get thee hence

    I never really thought about the fact that Satan has power over us only if we allow it, but it makes so much sense. We are not Satan’s; we are God’s, and if we use His help, we can defeat Satan.

    to win the fight

    Miss Clara said to Elizabeth: “If you want victory, you’re going to have to first surrender.”

    That would normally seem like a paradox, but not when we surrender to the one who knows what is best for us, who loves and knows us completely, and who wants nothing more than to bless us and free us from our enemy, Satan.

    When we surrender to God, we seek Him, submit to His will, and promise to follow where He leads us, rather than where our natural and human weaknesses would take us.  Miss Clara said, “It’s not my job to do the heavy lifting. No, that is something only He can do.”

    you need to plead

    I thought about why that is, and I believe it is because we can’t make anybody change. We can’t make people treat us right or see our worth. Only God can soften hearts and enlighten minds. Fighting with others will never accomplish this, because contention is of the Devil, not God.

    For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another (3 Nephi 11:29).

    Is there a way we can fight without contention and without anger? Miss Clara thinks so. She shows and teaches Elizabeth about her favorite room in her house, her War Room, where she does her spiritual fighting. She studies her scriptures, prays with real intent, expresses her gratitude, confesses her own faults, and pleads to God for forgiveness,  understanding, and enlightenment not only for herself, but for the ones causing her pain.

    We know who the enemy is, and we know we must fight him, but it is hard to remember this if we don’t know what we are fighting for.

    Too often we fight for the sake of winning, being right, proving someone else wrong, shaming someone, or forcing a change.

    Are those the causes we should be fighting for? Captain Moroni in the Book of Mormon was the captain of the Nephite Army. He once tore his coat and wrote on it his cause for fighting. He fastened the fabric on a pole, raised it for all to see, and called it the Title of Liberty. These are the words he wrote:

    In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children (Alma 46:12).

    Moroni wasn’t fighting to satisfy pride, or to perpetrate the harshness he felt others deserved. No, he fought for what really mattered – family, freedom to worship God, and for peace.

    captain moroni

    When we fight, are we doing it for the right reasons, and is our method going to work? Have you noticed that Satan always attacks the family to fulfill his purposes? How much time do we spend attacking those we love most? Do we realize that is his influence in our lives? I know that I do not want to fight my family or friends, so I need to turn my attention to fighting the cause of the contention: Satan himself.

    But to fight Satan, it isn’t a physical battle. It is a spiritual one. Remember, if we stand firm and tall, and unwavering, he will retreat. Satan may have the power to bruise our heels, but God gave Adam and Eve, and their offspring (us), the power to bruise his head (Genesis 3:15). How can we bruise his head? How can we make him crawl away from us in fear?

    God has given us the way.

    Dallin H. Oaks wisely said, “The blessings of the gospel are universal, and so is the formula for peace: keep the commandments of God. War and conflict are the result of wickedness; peace is the product of righteousness.”

    Satan is the cause of war – inner war, social war, and physical wars. By fighting Satan, we can stop the wars and bring peace.

    We do this by keeping God’s commandments, for as we do, He will bless us with the ability to do what we could never do alone. He gives us power through the Spirit to withstand Satan’s temptations as we pray sincerely, study our scriptures, attend church, serve our fellow man, forgive those who have trespassed against us, fast, express our gratitude to Him in all things, listen to the words of His prophets, repent of our sins, always strive to be better than we are now, and most importantly, keep our faith strong in the Lord, Jesus Christ.

    Perhaps the Apostle Paul explained it best:

    Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

    For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

    Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

    Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

    And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

    Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

    And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

    Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; (Ephesians 6:11-18).

    full-armour-of-God

    Captain Moroni, the leader who flew the Title of Liberty, was a man who not only donned real armour in battle, but chose to wear his spiritual armour daily as well. He was always grateful, worked hard, served others, defended righteous causes, and was firm in the faith.

    Speaking of Moroni, the prophet Mormon declared:

    Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men (Alma 48:17).

    Yes, these are the attributes we must have to vanquish the Devil’s power over us.

    But what about the Devil’s power over others? We want our loved ones to have joy in their lives, and to make right choices. Shouldn’t we fight the Devil out of them too? We try, don’t we? But it doesn’t help, does it, because they must make that choice on their own.

    Miss Clara explained to Elizabeth, “It’s your job to love him, to respect him, to pray for the man, [not to fix him].”

    It may be excruciatingly difficult to do these things for those who hurt us, but Miss Clara taught Elizabeth that even in “light of all [their] wrongs…God still [loves them.]” And thus should we.

    It doesn’t matter what we think they deserve – love, forgiveness, second chances – we should do our best to give it. Miss Clara preached, “Do you deserve grace? None of us deserve grace…He gives us grace, and He helps us give it to others even when they don’t deserve it.”

    Through much prayer, scripture study, and reflection, Elizabeth finally realizes that she is not her husband’s judge – God is. She stops trying to change him and fight him. Instead, she promises to fight for him, and for their marriage.

    blame keeps wounds open

    One of the most poignant points in the movie is when Elizabeth, alone in her home, declares, “I don’t know where you are, devil. You have played with my man. … No more. You are done. Jesus is the Lord of this house, and that means there’s no place for you here anymore. So take your lies … your accusations and get out in Jesus’ name. … My joy is found in Jesus, and just in case you forgot, He has already defeated you, so go back to hell where you belong and leave my family alone!”

    It was impossible not to feel the power of God as she made that shift to fighting Satan instead of her husband, and realizing where her true joy and peace comes from – Jesus Christ.

    Satan does a lot to destroy lives, and sometimes he targets our confidence, feelings of self-worth, and divine nature. That is why we must recognize that our joy comes first and foremost from our Savior, not from any outside influences.

    Psalms30-52

    In the movie, Elizabeth and her husband are able to work through everything. Because of her love and support, he recognizes where he has gone wrong, and works to repent and be a better husband and father. Theirs is a happy ending, or at least, a fresh start. But, sometimes even if we fight the right way, and do everything we should, our relationships do not improve. What then?

    poor in spirit

    Then, when you are vulnerable, Satan finds an opening to hurt your soul,  bring you down, and make you forget God’s love for you. This has happened to me in my life. But, as I chose to consistently put on the whole armour of God, I was able to endure and move onward and upward. I learned that we can’t control how others fight the fight, but we can control how we do it.

    raise up warriors

    Fighting those that hurt us will not make our circumstances better. Grudges, bitterness and withholding forgiveness will not bring us peace. They will not bring us closer to Christ. Sometimes we must move away from people, but not without first forgiving.

    As He suffered a cruel and heartless death on the cross, Christ pleaded, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34).” If He willingly forgave those who persecuted Him, betrayed Him, whipped Him, and killed Him, then there is no other option for us but to also forgive.

    If we prayed for others every time we noticed a flaw, felt the need to gossip, or were about to scream angrily at them, we would win each and every battle with Satan because love would overcome hate.

    fight all your battles on your knees

    Fight on your knees, not with your words, behaviors, or fists. Be a warrior of God, and peace will come to your soul.

    what wings are

    Why did Jesus command us to love, serve and pray for our enemies? Maybe it is so we, and they, can feel that [bctt tweet=”we aren’t enemies after all.”]

    *If you enjoyed this post, you may enjoy my book, Likening the Book of Mormon War Chapters to Your Life: A Study Journal: Amazon.com: Likening the Book of Mormon War Chapters to Your Life: A Study Journal: 9798323208258: Al-Bjaly, Mandy: Books

  • Love for Messiah

    Sometimes I say “yes” to too many things, and regret it later. There was one thing I said “yes” to recently, though, that became a huge blessing in my life.

    After hearing about it from my Bishop one Sunday, I decided to join the Mebane Community Choir and sing in its 25th annual performance of the Christmas portion of Handel’s Messiah.

    Now, I had never sung this oratorio (or any oratorio) before, and wasn’t familiar with the songs, other than the “Hallelujah Chorus.” Still, I figured I could learn it without much trouble – I could read music after all.

    Well, I was in for a rude awakening, because by the end of that first rehearsal I went to (it was the second rehearsal for everyone else), I felt like I would never be able to learn the music. You see, most of the people in the choir already knew the songs because they had sung them for years, so we weren’t learning the songs – we were perfecting them, and working hard on intonation. I was trying desperately to sight-read, and I was completely overwhelmed.

    messiah1
    Somebody said something funny – my one moment of relief that week. 🙂

    I was so grateful for the woman next to me named Suzanne who was kind enough to explain some things to me. I was able to hear what she was doing and go from there. But, even with her help, I still was so confused, and felt I would never learn the runs. I almost cried on the way home.

    messiah2
    The face of one who was scared and feeling quite inadequate.

    The following week, I knew I had to go back at least to return the book, so I decided to give it one more try. I was quite nervous, though, because that was the week we would work with our conductor, Sam, for the first time.

    messiah5
    Our awesome conductor, Sam Doyle

    I didn’t know what to expect, but was pleased to find him very personable and funny, as well as an excellent teacher. I felt completely at ease, and learned from him. When I went home that day, even though I still felt quite lost on some songs, I knew I would continue.

    messiah6

    The next rehearsal got a little easier. I kept telling myself each week I would practice at home to get better and better. Well, I didn’t have a lot of time to practice, but my brother, Aaron, gave me some tips on the runs, which helped me quite a bit. I finally got the CD to help me learn my part at the third rehearsal. Did I listen to it? Yes…in the car on the way to dress rehearsal.

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    We practiced lining up for the following day.

    As every rehearsal came and went, I got less and less overwhelmed. I was starting to fall in love with the songs, and I even felt confident on some of the parts. By the dress rehearsal, I felt that I could do this. I even got teary-eyed as we rehearsed “For unto Us a Child is Born.” My testimony grew that day, and I felt what a blessing it was to be able to sing with this group of individuals and praise the Lord.

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    The next day was the concert. I was a little nervous, because I was still only about 85% there on my knowledge of the songs, but I was mostly excited and at peace. I couldn’t wait to take part in this beautiful oratorio.

    messiah19

    We all wore burgundy robes, which were very hot, but it gave a sense of unity to the group. I felt like a real part of the choir, and even though I am shy around people I don’t know well, I felt that by then, I had formed some friendly acquaintances.

    We lined up in our robes in two lines along a narrow hallway downstairs. It was soon time for us to walk up the stairs and down the aisles of people to our seats. I gave a goofy grin to my husband, parents, and Nana as I walked by. I was so grateful they were there.

    The performance was wonderful. I hadn’t heard the soloists before then, and they all sounded beautiful. The messages of the songs touched my heart. They made the songs the choir sang all the more meaningful.

    When we sang together, we were united. I didn’t get every run correct, but I felt lively, joyful, and confident as I sang. Even the hardest part for me – the amens at the end -were enjoyable to sing, and [bctt tweet=”I felt the audience’s silent amens along with us.”].

    When we sat, and it was all over, I felt fulfilled and happy. As I met up with my family, they had smiles on their faces and had nothing but positive comments to share: we blended so well, we sounded like professionals, it was enjoyable even though that isn’t the genre I usually listen to…

    messiah 20

    We ate way too many cookies before going home to our normal family dinner and Sunday night. I sang the songs to myself all evening, and into the next day, and it felt amazing.

    This experience with Handel’s Messiah was one I will cherish.

    1. For one of the first times in my life, I wasn’t the loudest person in the choir. I didn’t have to hold back at all. It was such a liberating feeling knowing that there are people like me. I know it sounds silly, but ever since I was a kid, I was called out for singing too loud. I remember when I was in fifth grade, we were rehearsing a song, and my teacher said to sing as loud as we could. Well, I did, and the kids around me told me I was too loud. Even my teacher gently asked me to sing quieter. I have a very strong voice. Fortes and fortissimos are true with me. Even though this should be a strength, it has often felt like a handicap to me. I feel so blessed to have found a group of people who are like me. I really feel I fit in with them, and as an extra perk, I got to sing super high, which I also love!
    2. For years, around Christmastime, I have had this phrase of song in my head “Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace!” I, of course, knew that this song stemmed from scripture (Isaiah 9:6), but I never knew where the tune came from. I found out, through Messiah rehearsal, that it came from “For unto Us a Child is Born.” The end of that song is so special to me because it is connected with my memories.
    3. I have never been challenged so much with music in my life. I have always been one to learn music quickly because I read music and play the piano. Well, this time, I really struggled. Through prayer, and perseverance, I was able to learn this music, and gain a new appreciation for classical music and oratorios. This was ground I never thought I would walk on, and it feels really comfortable.
    4. I felt that Heavenly Father helped me achieve number 3. It isn’t realistic that in just four rehearsals and minimal home practice, I would be ready to sing such difficult music. But, somehow the runs from “And He Shall Purify” and For unto Us a Son is Born” started to click. I memorized them. I listened to the people around me, and I was able to master the dynamics, and most of the notes of these gorgeous songs. This wasn’t me – I am not that good. Heavenly Father’s hand was in it. I truly believe that when we take steps to serve and worship him and our Savior, He will qualify us.
    5. I felt a renewed connection with my beloved, deceased Granddad, who was a gifted pianist and organist. He loved classical music. My Nana reminisced with me after the show, and said she could almost hear Granddad playing the organ while she listened to the performance.

    I have a testimony that Jesus Christ is the son of God. He was born of a virgin in a stable in Bethlehem. The prophets testified he would come in the flesh, and He did. He truly is the Prince of Peace, for only through following Him can there be peace on earth and in our hearts. I rejoice at His birth, at His perfect life, at His death and resurrection, and at the counsel He offers today. I share this joy with all who will listen, for I know that if we lay our burdens at His feet, He will lighten them and give us rest. Through Him, we have the opportunity to live with our Heavenly Father again, and receive all that He has. Jesus Christ lives, and He will come again.

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  • Murmurings and Medicine

    Jad and I were very worried about Rigel Tuesday morning. He had a lot of swelling, discoloration, and pain on a sensitive part of his body. We strongly felt that we needed to take him to the doctor.

    When we got there, I was unpleasantly surprised to find that I had to pay $100 for the visit, since our coinsurance didn’t kick in until after the deductible was met. That wasn’t fun, but I paid it knowing that my son would receive a sound diagnosis and treatment for his condition.

    We love our pediatrician. She examined Rigel gently yet thoroughly, and surprisingly to me, didn’t see any cause for concern. She said most likely the cause was a bug bite, and that with some Benadryl, he would be fine.

    seriously

    I left the office with my little boys, suckers and stickers in hand. When I sat in the car after buckling them in, I sighed in distaste.

    It was time to call Jad, who I knew was worried sick. Well, wait until he hears what a waste of time that was, I thought to myself.

    Exasperated, I told him how much money I had to spend, and that there was nothing wrong with Rigel. All he needed was Benadryl. I sighed, and said I would be getting him his medicine. We got off the phone both annoyed at our new insurance.

    The whole rest of the day, I found myself doubting the doctor. It must be something else – I mean, his condition just isn’t normal.

    But, it hit me that night that my attitude had been all wrong. It was almost as if I wanted something to be wrong with Rigel to justify the doctor’s trip and the large bill. I had been feeling that my time and money wasn’t worth it because he was actually fine.

    I am ashamed at how I acted! I should have been praising God that there was nothing to be worried about! Had the swelling been for a more serious reason, he likely would have needed surgery.

    I should have been thanking people who prayed for him, and thanking my Heavenly Father for hearing my own prayers.

    I should have hugged and kissed my child, and told him how much I loved him, and how happy I was that he was going to be alright.

    My pride got the better of me that day, and someone didn’t want me to see the Lord’s hand, be grateful, or focus on what matters most.

    Rigel is all better now. The swelling did go down with one dose of Benadryl.

    Just as the doctor knows what medicines heal us physically, Heavenly Father knows what will heal us spiritually. He healed my hardened heart through the whisperings of the Spirit. I am eternally grateful for my renewed perspective, and for the safety and health of my precious Rigel.

    rigel
    Photo Credit: Nikki Miner Nichols
  • Matching My Inside

    I must be crazy. I am a super busy mother of three, with a husband, a house to keep in order, a church I worship in and provide service to, a blog I love, books to read and book reviews to write, an aspiration to write my own book, and more.

    Al-Bajaly2015_1
    Photo credit: Nikki Miner Nichols

    Phew. That is a lot of stuff. Why would anyone want to add something else on?

    A few months ago, I joined Planet Fitness Gym. In my free personal training session, the trainer told me nonchalantly about greens I could use as a nutritional supplement to help me stay nourished when I work out. He gave me a website to look at, called It Works. I was kind of interested, but decided not to buy them.

    Throughout this year, I have brushed shoulders with multiple women who are consultants/distributors for a variety of marketing companies. All of the products are great. I have used many of the brands. These people seem to be doing very well for themselves, and more than once I have been told I would be great in such a business.

    I always appreciated the compliments, but felt that I was too busy for such things, and probably wouldn’t be good at it. After all, I had tried Avon, and I never did well.

    Last week, something changed. My friend Amber, who was one of my best buddies in middle school, posted something on Instagram about her business, and I lit up in excitement. I told her I was interested, and asked her questions.

    My biggest concerns were about time commitment, and also if I had to do a lot outside of the home. She told me that she does almost all of her work with social media, and that she rarely does parties. I love being on social media. I am a fast typer, and I am a good writer. I could do this! I set up a time to have a phone call with her and get started with It Works.

    But then a thought came to me yesterday afternoon: Mandy, you haven’t prayed about this to see if it is the right thing to do.

    I knew I needed to pray, so I slowly knelt in my closet and started to do so. Immediately, I felt a swelling all around me, as if my body was engulfed in spirit. I felt warm, and tears came to my eyes, then started flowing. The answer was clear. Yes, this is the right thing to do.

    So, last night, I signed up to be a distributor with It Works Global.

    I don’t know why Heavenly Father wants me to do this. The obvious reason is to bring extra income to my family – we want to have more children, and Jad wants to go back to school. Perhaps it is also a way to bring more readers to my blog. Perhaps there is someone who would only be persuaded by my voice and my story to change his/her life.

    I don’t know, but I have realized something: To do well in a business such as this, you have to be passionate about the products you are selling.

    There are people who are passionate about makeup or cleaning supplies or oils. Me? Well, I am passionate about products that are going to help me minimize my physical flaws. I have brittle nails that never look nice. I have belly pudge that I just can’t get rid of, no matter how much weight I lose. I have issues with unhealthy food cravings. I have stretch marks, and have always struggled with skin dryness. I can see how the It Works products can change my life for the better. I also love that the market includes men. They care about their health and appearance too, and I want to be able to serve them as much as I serve women.

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    Photo Credit: Nikki Miner Nichols 

    The name I chose for my website is www.matchingmyinside.itworks.com.

    The reason I chose it is that I truly believe that we all have individual worth. Each person on this earth is special and unique, with a multitude of talents and skills to share with the world. Unfortunately, as in my case, our confidence to do so can waver as we are uncomfortable with how we look and feel.

    Some might think that becoming healthier and improving our flaws means we are proud, and focus too much on the outward appearance. On the contrary – if done without pride, doing this can help us shift our focus to what’s wrong with our outside to how wonderful we are on the inside.

    That is my goal for myself and for others. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about himself/herself. I want people to have faith in themselves and better hopes for their futures.

    Our spirits and bodies are interconnected. As we take care of our bodies, our spirits will shine forth as a light to those around us.

    So, this is a new journey I am on. Should you like to join me in any way, to use the products, or sell them, please let me know. I would love to work with you.

    God knows us and what we need. I am grateful for this opportunity. It will be hard to add this on to my plate, but it will be worth it!

  • Finding Joy in My Circumstances

    With apology in his eyes, he kissed my cheek and neck a little too warmly, and then told me how sorry he was for what he had done to me. He knew it was too late to change anything, but regret ached in his voice.

    My new ex-husband was mourning the loss of his wife and baby already, as he watched us turn away, never again to live with us as a family.

    My emotions were clouded. For the last three and a half years, I had lived in charming Cedar City, Utah, attending school at SUU. For more than two years of that time, I had been married. His family was my family, his church was my church, and his home was my home. We even had a child together, 11 months before the inconceivable day we would say goodbye.

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    Our sweet Casey

    We had been married two years when he announced firmly that he was done trying, and that we were going to get a divorce. I was shocked at the finality of it, but not necessarily heartbroken, since my love for him had already slowly evaporated.

    I over zealously filled out the divorce papers, and commanded that I would be keeping Casey. He did not fight me.

    On April 26, he walked into the apartment, opened the mail, and nonchalantly said, “We are divorced now.” Oh.

    Ironically I was relieved at the news, and felt freer. I immediately was excited at the prospect of dating again.

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    Casey helped me pack.

    The plane ride to North Carolina went quickly, and Casey was a good boy. I was sad to leave my ward, home, friends, and in-laws, but I was so grateful for my parents’ selfless sacrifice to help Casey and I start our new life.

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    My dad with Casey

    It felt good to have a clean, happy place to live, and I hoped that as long as I focused on making friends, dating, and being the best mom I could, life would be okay.

    Except it wasn’t.

    I was sad and emotional all the time, rarely smiling or laughing. I was frustrated at how difficult it was to make a happy life in North Carolina, a place I had never before lived.

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    I put on my best smile, though inwardly, I was crying.

    Here is what my life was like with:

    Making friends

    I had a really hard time making friends.  I admit I was ashamed of being divorced with a child, and I was always afraid to tell people about myself, for fear of judgment. Sometimes, it was a reality. Once I started bringing Casey to the Singles’ Ward with me, I noticed that several people stayed away from me, only speaking to me when they had to. I was different, and I stuck out like a sore thumb.

    To make up for it, I worked to rekindle some of my friendships from Virginia. I did find some peace emailing good friends, and venting to them. It just didn’t fill the emptiness inside completely.

    For months, I was “trying to make my life better than crappy,” and I longed for good friends to spend time with and talk to.

    Dating

    I wanted to date more that I could ever express to you. I knew that Casey needed a father, and that I needed a husband. That is the way God intended families to be. I couldn’t stand the idea of raising Casey alone.

    Right after the divorce was finalized, I felt a huge impulse to reconnect with a young man I had really liked before I went to school. I drove up to Virginia once, and we had an awesome date. We talked all the time and had great chemistry. We were cherished friends. But…he didn’t want a relationship.

    There was also a guy I met in my Singles’ Ward who I instantly connected with. I loved going dancing with him, and we hit it off swimmingly. We also had great chemistry. I was confused by how he treated me, though, and in the end, he said didn’t see a long-lasting relationship with me.

    For months, those two dates were all I had. I ached for more dates, but I felt like an untouchable – undesirable, unattractive, and not confident.

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    I tried to look pretty when going to activities.

    The only man who showed me that I was wonderful was someone who had loved me since I was 14 – someone who was on a mission, and ironically, someone I never had romantic feelings for. I broke his heart as I told him I would never love him, all the while I was alone with no prospects. It was a sad situation.

    Being a good mom

    Deciding how to be a good mom was not easy to figure out. My most passionate feelings were that I needed to be with Casey as much as possible – that I needed to be there to nurture him, teach him, and raise him in righteousness. But I knew I couldn’t just be a stay at home mom living in my parent’s house. No, I knew I had to work.

    At that time, I felt comfortable working a part-time night job so I could be with my baby during the day, and then have my parents watch him at night. I remember the day I was immediately offered the job at Kerr Drug, my Dad shook his head with disappointment at how much I would be paid. He huffed, “That sucks!” He knew I could do so much better having a Bachelor’s Degree, but I was still confused at his reaction. I was Casey’s mother, and I needed to be the one to raise him.

    I also felt dating and having a social life was essential to being a good mom. Casey deserved a father figure in his life, and that wouldn’t happen without me dating. But, it took a toll on my parents to watch him as I went to church activities.

    Even though I hated the tension living at home was creating, I just couldn’t stand the idea of working full time. I did apply for other jobs, though, was offered an amazing full time writing position with the Mebane Enterprise. I turned it down when they wouldn’t let me work full time. Stupid decision? Maybe, but it wasn’t to me.

    For a while, I placed all my faith in becoming a bus driver. It would be perfect – I could work full time, get good pay, keep my child with me, and have time for social things at night. I waited, followed up, and waited some more. I never got the job, and was crushed.

    I was fresh out of ideas, and life wasn’t getting any happier.

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    My baby was the one who kept me going.

    I confided to my missionary friend that “This lifestyle is not any better than my bad marriage. It’s just different, and slightly less damaging to my soul.”

    What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t life getting better?

    The Family: A Proclamation to the World, has been a very special document to me. I remember hearing it read aloud for the first time when I was just 11 years old. I was entranced by it, and it helped me know the type of person I wanted to be, and what my priorities should be.

    For the months following my divorce, I was determined to get to a point where I could follow the words of the Proclamation:

    The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity…

    By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

    These words were so important to me. I wanted to have this sacred ordinance of marriage again. I wanted my child to be reared by a mother and a father. I wanted to fulfill my responsibility as a mother by primarily nurturing my child.

    I even used this phrase to remind my parents that they should be helping me: Extended families should lend support when needed.

    What was I supposed to do, when my parents got to a point that they wanted Casey and me to move out? I couldn’t do those things in the Proclamation without my parents.

    But wait…I believe it was my mother who pointed out a phrase I had forgotten in the Proclamation: Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.

    Other circumstances included my circumstance. Rather than being obsessed with changing my life as quickly as possible, I should have been thinking about what was best for Casey and me at that stage in our lives.

    My job at Kerr Drug wasn’t helping me use my education, or gain experience in the workforce. Being obsessed with dating and making friends was only causing me disappointment, pain, and impatience. Focusing on my needs at the expense of my parents was only harming our relationship.

    I had been doing it all wrong. I also had forgotten this from the Proclamation:

    All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.

    For all these months, and even before that, as I was enduring the emotional abuse in my marriage, I had forgotten that I was a daughter of God, and that I had a divine nature and destiny. I had made myself believe that I only had true worth if I were married with the ideal life. No, I always had divine worth, and I always had a friend in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

    I had been beating myself up for not being a worthy parent, but I had already been doing my best to fulfill these obligations outlined in the Proclamation: Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.

    Pondering on these beautiful messages in the Proclamation helped make the inevitable finding of a full-time job, and putting my sweet son in daycare, more manageable.

    It was scary to apply for, and eventually accept, a position at the AICPA in January 2007. Once I accepted the job, though, I felt it was the right thing to do, and I was excited.

    The hardest part was finding childcare for my baby. I did, though, and it was my parents’ next door neighbor. I was so sad to leave Casey every day, but I knew in my heart that I was doing something good for us. By working, I would soon be able to support us and move us into our very own home.

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    Casey at daycare – 2nd birthday

    Just a month after starting my job, I emailed this hopeful message to my friend:

    Casey is so smart. He talks very well and picks up on things so quickly. His favorite activity is vacuuming. He has a toy vacuum at his day care. My next door neighbor is his child care provider and he loves her. It took him a while to get used to being away from me so much, but he learns a lot over there. It’s hard not being with Casey all day anymore, but it’s probably for the best. I have lost a lot of weight and feel much better about my looks. I have a lot of friends, and just recently met a guy…that I have sort of been dating… So, that’s my life right now. It’s pretty good; I haven’t felt this complete in a long time. I still have a lot of expanding to do in my life, but it’s definitely better than it was.

    Life didn’t all of a sudden become perfect. Being a single mom was always hard. I was exhausted trying to run a household, work full time, raise a child, and try to be a good friend and date. But, my hope came back. My confidence came back. Most importantly, my joy came back. I was back to being me, and not who I thought I had to be to matter.

    casey and me

    For the four years I was single, I accepted my circumstances, until I met the right man, and married again.

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    March 6, 2010 Wedding Day

    The same Proclamation that helped me accept my circumstances, gave me the strength to leave my wonderful job at the AICPA to finally be able to concentrate on the nurture of [my] children.

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    Casey and Rigel, my second born

    From my experiences being a single mom, I gained a strong testimony that God loves each and every one of His children, and He will bless all of us as we do our very best, whatever our circumstances may be.