Welcome

Tag: family

  • The Monster and the Miracle

    August 28, 2011 was just like any normal Sunday. We went to church as usual, and had dinner at my parents’ house. Everything seemed fine. Then, that night, after we put the kids to bed, Jad started to get stomach pain. He said he felt like knives were stabbing him. He started to throw up, and he kept wailing in pain. He was freezing cold, but sweating too. He couldn’t even stand up. He just kneeled over the toilet and screamed that he needed to go to the hospital.

    I was very worried. I knew Jad wouldn’t say that unless something was really wrong. I couldn’t take him there because I had two children (one a young baby) asleep in their beds. I then thought of calling my brother, Aaron. He graciously accepted my plea to take Jad to the emergency room.

    When Aaron arrived, I had managed to get Jad down the stairs, but he was kneeling over the steps moaning, with a bucket nearby. It would have been comical, had it not been so disconcerting. I watched, feeling helpless, as Aaron slowly led Jad to his car and off to Durham Regional Hospital. Aaron told me he drove as fast as he could, recognizing just how bad it must be… Jad was a very tough person, and he could barely talk.

    I didn’t sleep well that night. I keep waiting for my phone to ring with an update. The only comfort was in knowing my brother was with him.

    Aaron related to me the events of that first night, and it made me even more grateful he was there. When they first got to the emergency room, nobody seemed to notice Jad could barely stand. While he was bombarded with paperwork, Aaron gingerly held up his body weight.

    When Jad got to a room, he was given an IV to remove the pain. Ridiculously, though, the nurse had to stab him many times before finding a vein. She kept apologizing, saying she was new. Jad didn’t seem to notice at first, but finally grunted in displeasure.

    Jad saw a doctor soon after, and after explaining his symptoms, the doctor recommended that he get a CT scan. Aaron and Jad were then told to sit tight until the doctors transferred shifts. That ended up being several hours. When the second doctor finally arrived, he confirmed the need for a CT scan. Jad had to drink a liquid in three doses to cleanse his body. A nurse was supposed to check on him to give him each dose, but she didn’t. Aaron took it upon himself to administer the liquid to Jad.

    Finally, he got the CT scan. Brian McDonald, someone we didn’t know then but do now from church, gave him this scan. The doctor came in to show Jad the x-ray, which showed a large growth on his liver. He told Jad grimly that he most likely had a cancerous tumor.

    At receiving this news, Jad wept. He did not want to die and leave his family alone. What would they do? He wasn’t ready to leave this earth yet.

    I am so grateful Aaron was with him to comfort him during this heartbreaking time.

    I came to the hospital the next morning after taking Casey to school. I asked for prayers from my friends and family, and held on to faith that all would be well. After all, they had not yet confirmed it was cancer.

     

    Rigel and I visiting Jad in the hospital.

     

    We were so blessed and grateful to soon hear that cancer was out of the list of possible diagnoses. If that huge growth were a malignant tumor, Jad would have been dead long ago. We breathed a sigh of relief, but longed to know what was really wrong.

    That whole day, we waited to know what was in his body. At one point, a whole room of doctors came in, and said they didn’t have an answer but were still working on it. All they knew was that he had something large, living, and growing inside of his liver. They said that Jad would have to have a lot of blood taken. Some of the blood would be sent to Maryland to be tested.

    We were so grateful for the visitors we received during all this waiting. It made it a little easier to endure.

    The following day, August 30, the doctors had a theory: Jad had a Middle-Eastern parasite that had been growing inside his body for years. They said his condition must be very rare since none of them had ever seen it before.

    Once the blood tests were sent off, Jad was able to return home to await a diagnosis. He would have to return to the hospital once the blood tests came back. The doctors said if the blood tests were inconclusive, he would have to have a liver biopsy.

    Exactly one week later, on September 6, Jad and I went to Duke University Hospital to get the news from Dr. Luke Chen, the Infectious Disease Specialist there. After about four hours at the hospital (most of it spent waiting), we got our answer: Jad had Echinococcus.

    Dr. Chen, a Chinese man with an Australian accent, drew pictures for us of what was going on in Jad’s liver. He had never actually seen anyone with Echinococcus before, but he said Jad must have had the disease for at least 10 years, based on the size of the cystic matter. He told us how this parasite can infect many organs, and that Jad was very lucky it was the liver, because the liver is the only body part that can regenerate itself. He also expressed relief that the infection manifested itself when it did, because it could have ruptured at any time, ending Jad’s life.

    A doctor in the Northeast told Dr. Chen about a patient she had had with Echinococcus. She said that if Jad needed surgery, it would be best for a cancer surgeon to operate. Dr. Chen told Jad that if he had surgery, Dr. Bryan Clary would be his surgeon. He had never operated on someone with this condition, but he was one of the best out there.

    He put Jad on a pill that is supposed to cure Echinoccocus (it had to be specially ordered), in the off chance that he could be cured. More realistically, though, Dr. Chen expected the medicine to just stop the cyst from growing. Jad had to be on this pill for two months before he could have surgery

    We left the office that day a little overwhelmed, but with faith all would be well. We really liked Dr. Chen, and knew Jad was in good hands. He was so interested in Jad’s case, and wanted to learn everything he could. He was also very friendly, helpful, and offered us as much information as possible. We could tell he cared about Jad’s well-being.

    After that appointment, we were really curious to find out how Jad got this infectious disease.

    Well, after some reflection with his mother, Salma, Jad figured it out:

    In the Spring of 1999, when Jad was 17 years old, he and many members of his family went to have a barbecue near a farming community on the Dead Sea. There were people on the street selling lettuce from their farms. Jad’s family ended up buying a large box of lettuce. Jad loves lettuce, so naturally, he started to eat it. One of his mother’s cousins said that the lettuce should probably be washed before it was eaten, but the consensus of the group was that if they just shook the lettuce off, it would be fine. His whole family ate the lettuce without a problem. That evening, though, Jad started to get very itchy. He also had bumps all over his body, and swelling. Salma took Jad to an urgent care to be checked out. The doctor attributed the bumps and itching to an allergic reaction. He gave Jad a shot to help with the itching and swelling. The shot worked, so Jad went home.

    This would not be the only time Jad had a reaction over the next few years.

    In summer 2002, when Jad was living in Port St. Lucie, FL, he had another reaction. He had gone out to eat and eaten a tuna salad. Late that night, he got very itchy, with bumps and swelling. His uncle Hani took him to the hospital, and the doctor said he probably had food poisoning. He was treated for that, and sent on his way.

    Jad’s uncle Hani complained to the restaurant about the food poisoning, but the restaurant did not want to take responsibility. The hospital recommended that Jad to go to an allergist to try to find an explanation for his symptoms. After the tests, the allergist told him he had no allergies at all. The restaurant still claimed it wasn’t food poisoning, but offered to pay for the allergist appointment.

    The following summer, something much worse happened. Jad had eaten dinner at home with his uncles William and Hani, and his other roommate, Ihan. Hani had made chicken wraps with large amounts of onion. After dinner, Jad felt bloated. That night, while he was sleeping, Jad got a huge stabbing pain in the right side of his body. He was terrified because he couldn’t feel or move his right side at all. William and Ihan quickly took him to the same hospital as the year before. The doctor was not that concerned about Jad’s condition, and said he just had bad gas. He gave him a lot of pain medication and pills for bloating.

    In late summer 2004, when Jad was in Jordan, something else happened. He got something called a Christmas Tree rash. It lasted for about 45 days. The doctor said it was very common and not dangerous – just an allergic reaction.

    Following that summer, Jad did not have any serious symptoms. He would just occasionally have pain under his ribcage. He always assumed it was gas.

    After we told Jad’s family that the issues he had all those years were due to Echinococcus, they started to do some research. They said that many people in Jordan over the years had gotten the same infection – many in their lungs – and there had been many deaths. Only in the past 6-7 years had Jordanian doctors finally started to get familiar with the disease.

    Did it bother you that all of these doctors just made assumptions instead of finding out the issue? Did you recognize, as we did, that had any of these hospitals done a CT scan, Jad could have easily been cured, with no need for surgery? We had a little frustration over this, but mostly just held on to our hopes that the Lord would bless Jad to make it through this, and that our family would come out stronger with lessons learned.

    Before surgery was scheduled, Jad had another CT scan, just to see what was going on in his liver. The cysts, as anticipated, were still there, as big as ever, but there had been no progression. Yes, Jad definitely needed surgery.

    He met with Dr. Clary to get options for the surgery, and to set a date. I wasn’t there for that appointment, but Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, accompanied him. Dr. Clary gave Jad two options: robotic surgery or invasive surgery. With robotic surgery, Jad would only have a couple small scars, but his risks of dying were higher. In contrast, invasive surgery would be less risky, but he would end up with a huge scar, and cold weather would cause him pain going forward. Dr. Clary let Jad choose, but made it clear which was the safer choice. Jad chose the invasive surgery option.

    Surgery was scheduled for November 10, 2011.

    You may wonder how Jad and I were feeling as the date approached. It’s interesting. Jad and I were never really that scared. We both knew everything was going to work out. We even went into it all with a positive attitude, looking for the benefits for our family. For example, here is my Facebook status post from November 4, 2011:

    Ah, I love my family so much! I can’t wait for Jad to come home tomorrow. Then we’ll be together every day for at least a month while Jad heals from surgery, which is next Thursday. I’m sure this experience will only bring us closer.

     

    A picture of our happy family just a couple weeks before the surgery.

    November 9 arrived, and I asked for my friends and family to pray that Jad’s surgery would go smoothly the following day. I received an outpouring of support, love and prayers. My friend, Jada, put a post on Facebook that brought me great peace. She said:

    Much love to Jad and the entire Al-Bjaly family. God has an army of angels to watch over you all. I pray with all my heart that His grace and mercy will be with you and that you will have peace throughout the entire process of surgery and recovery. Much love. Let me know if you need anything.

    We went to bed that night ready to face the day. We had to be at Duke Hospital really early in the morning, like around 5:30 AM. My mother was an angel to come to our home before we left, and take care of my sleeping children. She would get Casey off to school and then bring Rigel to the hospital to wait with me until the surgery was over.

    I remember riding the elevator together when we got to the hospital. We were going up into the unknown. We had only been married for less than two years, and here we were, going through something so serious, something we never would have expected. After Jad was prepped for surgery, I was taken back to wish him well and give him my love. The anesthesiologist said I needed to give him his “goodnight kiss.” I did just that, and then turned to leave him in the surgeon’s hands.

    It was amazing how many people were in the waiting room. They were all waiting for a loved one to come out of surgery. My mom and Rigel were with me the whole time, and we watched people. We even had a conversation here and there. I was never afraid. I was a little impatient, though, especially as the four-hour mark went by. He should have been done with his surgery by then. The minutes kept ticking, and I yearned to hear my name over the loud speaker to come get an update. At one point, I did go up and ask. The person at the desk inquired with Dr. Clary for me, and he just said the surgery was taking longer than expected.

    Tick tock. Tick tock. Late in the afternoon, Jad’s mom, Salma, aunt Rania, grandmother, Nada, and uncle Hani, came from Kinston to sit in the waiting room and show their support. They brought lots of Arabic cookies. Aaron came to visit too.

    After about eight hours, I got called up to the desk. The surgery was finally over. I gave a huge sigh of relief and contentment.

    Dr. Clary called all of us into this office to explain what he had found during the surgery. He said that he removed a mass about the size of a football from Jad’s body. The cysts had been attached to Jad’s diaphragm and gallbladder as well. Not only was most of Jad’s liver removed, but also his gallbladder. Removing the cystic matter from the diaphragm was very intricate work, causing the surgery to last so much longer than planned. We were shocked at all this, and even more grateful Jad was alive and well.

    My mom and Aaron headed home with Rigel, and I stayed behind with Jad’s family to be able to hopefully see him. After about an hour, I was the first to be able to see Jad. I was a little nervous walking down the long, cold hallway. When I approached my husband, he was moaning and could barely talk or keep his eyes open. He didn’t seem to quite know what was going on. Jad may not have realized I was there, but regardless, I held his hand, spoke sweetly to him, told him I loved him, and sweetly kissed his forehead.

    When I was with him, my first feelings were that of sympathy for my poor husband…but then I felt God’s love surrounding both of us. I knew that He was with us, and that Jad’s surgery went well because of faith and prayers, and because Jad had a special mission to perform for the Lord in this life. He would recover, and he would go forward in faith.

    It was hard to leave him, but I promised I would be back the next day. Jad’s family members took turns visiting him too. I saw tears as they re-entered the waiting room. We said our goodbyes, and left Jad at the hospital.
    He did not remember any of us visiting him that evening. Late that night, though, after I put the kids to bed, I got a phone call. A nurse from Duke told me that Jad had woken up and was asking for his wife. My heart broke a little, and I wished I could be with him. I promised I would be there the next morning.

    My cousin, Lisa, yet another angel in this story, came down from Virginia for several days to help watch my kids so that I could be with Jad as often as possible. I drove back and forth to Duke way more times than I ever thought I would in my life during the next six days. Often, Salma came with me. Other times, when Lisa wasn’t able to watch the kids, I would take Salma to the hospital, go home, and come get her later. I wanted someone with Jad as often as possible.

    When I first saw Jad that first day after surgery, I was so humbled. Seeing him that way, I realized how much we take our bodies for granted. He needed help with everything – eating, drinking, adjusting pillows – moving at all. As I observed his difficulty, I started to giggle – something I do when I am nervous or unsure. I think the nurse thought I was either really crazy or really insensitive. I actually was a little alarmed. I hadn’t expected him to be so bad off.

    Jad told me that the previous night he had a dream. I won’t recount the details, but it was a confirmation to him that there is life after death, and that it was not his time to go.

    Throughout the next few days, Jad slept a lot, and I read more books than I had in a long time. He also had to practice walking. The first time I walked with him, both Salma and I helped him, and he literally walked as slowly as a turtle. It was hard to walk that slowly, but I always held his hand.

    To quickly summarize Jad’s progress through November 16, the day he went home, here are my Facebook statuses for those days:

    Saturday, Nov 12 – For those of you who want an update on Jad, here it is: He will be in the hospital until at least Tuesday. He is lucid, but is still very tired and weak. He is also still in a lot of pain. He has gotten up and walked around a couple times, but it’s really hard for him. We were told this is the worst day for him, so hopefully it only goes up from here. He can have visitors any time, as long as they are 12 or older. He is in room 4115 at Duke University Hospital.

    Sunday, Nov 13 – Jad was feeling much better today. He isn’t hooked up to all the tubes anymore. It is still really hard to get up and walk, and he still sleeps a lot, but he is definitely getting better. Hopefully tomorrow he can get out of the hospital gown and put on some real clothes. I know he’s looking forward to it.

    I believe this was the only day Jad saw Casey and Rigel during his hospital stay. My mom brought them to Duke, and we talked to Jad in the hallway. He was still in his hospital gown. The kids couldn’t go into his room, which is why he had to venture out. It was so nice to have us all together, even just for a little while.

    Tuesday, Nov 15 – Jad is feeling much better today and after today, no more tubes. He should be going home tomorrow or Thursday. It’s still hard to walk and move a lot because of pain, but hopefully that will get better in a couple weeks.

    Wednesday, Nov 16 – I am so proud of Jad. I walked into his hospital room this morning, and he had gotten a shower, shaved, gotten dressed, and done his hair all by himself. AND, he is coming home today!!!!

    It sounds kind of silly to say I was proud of him for doing normal things, but honestly, after such an intense surgery, the ability for him to do anything on his own was impressive.

    Later that day, I was able to bring Jad home. I was thrilled. I had longed for our family to be together again. I remember going to get the van, and waiting by the front for him to come out. I kept looking and looking. Such joy overcame me as I saw him being wheeled out of the hospital. After being assisted into the van very slowly, we started our journey back home and to recovery. I felt bad because I know that he was in so much pain the whole way home, but he tried to be strong. When we got home, it took us several minutes to get him out of the car, down the steps, and down the walkway to our townhome. Each step was a victory.

    The first thing he wanted once he got situated on the couch was Jello with pineapple in it. He had really enjoyed his Jello at the hospital. He had been on the “bland diet”, so that was the most exciting food he had eaten there.

    The next week or two were very hard on me. I was taking care of my husband and my two children by myself. We so appreciated the meals our friends brought to us, as well as the love and support from everyone. Going up the stairs was really hard for Jad for a while, and he had to sleep sitting up with lots of pillows around him. Slowly, though, the pain started to lessen and the wounds started to heal.

     

    The first picture of Jad holding Rigel after his surgery.

     

    The family on Thanksgiving Day, not long after the surgery.

    Now, Jad is healthy and life is back to normal. We will never forget that time of our lives, though, for we learned so many lessons:

    We knew that the scare that Jad had was a blessing from God, for without it, he may have eventually died from a ruptured cyst.

    We gained a stronger testimony of the Word of Wisdom. Jad quit drinking in 2008, when he was investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He used to drink every night. Had he kept drinking, he very well may have died from his infection, because his liver would have been completely destroyed.

    We received a second confirmation that leaving my job was the right thing to do. It had been really hard for me to adjust to not working, but, had I still been working when all this was going on with Jad, I would not have been able to be with him and help him through it. Those times in the hospital, and the weeks following, were such a tender experience for us. I needed to be with him during that time.

    We found one more reason that Jad was supposed to live in North Carolina: excellent doctors and surgeons who would take the time to properly diagnose him and operate on him.

    We felt so much love from family and friends. We will always remember the kindness, generosity, faith and prayers.

    Most importantly, we felt God’s love for us. We knew He was with Jad, that He was always with Jad. This was all part of the plan, and He prepared a way for him to survive, from moving to United States, to joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to moving to North Carolina. This trial he faced was only a test. It would make him stronger, and was for his good.

    Maybe it is a good thing Jad has such a large scar. It is a constant and profound reminder that miracles do happen.

     

    ***If you would like to see pictures of Jad’s liver, see below. If you get queasy easily, you probably shouldn’t scroll any further. Enjoy!***

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • What I told my son when he asked me about bullying

    Bully: a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

    Last week my 9-year-old approached me and asked me if a certain word was a bad word. He was asking because a kid on the bus last year used to call him that over and over. He hadn’t really known if it was bad, and that was why he hadn’t told me about it before.

    I told him it indeed was a bad word, and that it was wrong for the kid to say that to him. I told my son he should never use that word, and that if a kid says something like that again, that he should tell his bus driver immediately, and talk to me or his dad about it after school.

    Then, Sunday, he came up to me again and wanted to talk about it some more. I asked him what specifically he wanted to talk about, and he wasn’t sure. So, I took a deep breath, said a silent prayer for guidance, and found myself saying:

    You should have compassion on kids who use bad language,  are mean, or make fun of you.

    Why do kids do these things? There are many reasons: they have friends or family who set bad examples; they don’t feel loved or encouraged at home; they are abused by parents or other family members; they have been bullied before; their media choices champion bullying; they don’t have many friends;  they don’t know that you or they are children of God; they don’t realize that true joy comes from helping and loving others. It could be any of these reasons, or others.

    Look at the list. Though their behavior should not be excused, they are not just bullies. They have pain and struggles too.

    That being said…

    You are not what these kids say you are. You can get to a point where you won’t feel bad when kids are mean to you.

    It is so important not to believe what bullies say. They don’t know you. They either pinpoint one quality they don’t like about you and define you by it, or they make something up just for laughs and to see you flinch. Do not let someone who doesn’t care about you define who you are.

    Just say to yourself, I know that this isn’t who I am. I am a child of God. I have a family who loves me. I have good friends. I do my best in school. I am not going to let this bother me. I am not going to let them pull me down and try to change me. I know my self-worth.

    Don’t let someone else try to change you.

    Sometimes kids take it to heart when people say mean things. If they are bullied about their clothes, they want to wear cooler, nicer clothes. If they are bullied about being nice to an unpopular kid, they stop being nice to that kid. If they are bullied about being helpful in class, they stop helping their teacher. Some kids even think that if they become bullies, they can then escape bullying.

    Don’t bend to them. They will not suddenly be your friend if you change. They will just laugh and realize they have exercised power over you.

    Always remember you are special. Remember what matters. Remember who you are.

    Kids will always find a way to make fun, whether it is clothes, body type, intellect, values.
    Sometimes kids make fun of qualities that are good.

    Oftentimes, kids bully because they are jealous. That is why they sometimes make fun of good things, like being a nice person or doing well in school. Never assume that you are doing something wrong if you are bullied.

    Don’t lie to avoid being made fun of.

    As a teen I remember sometimes lying about silly things, like saying I had two pairs of the same jeans when in reality I wore the same pair two days in a row. I lied many times in high school when I was asked out on dates and I wasn’t 16 yet. Every time I lied it was because I was afraid of the mockery, the gossip and the finger-pointing at my expense.

    You should never lie. What I did was wrong. I may have avoided one wrong, but I invited another. Have integrity. Tell the truth and don’t be ashamed of it.

    Never pick a fight.

    If bullying goes beyond harsh words, and a kid wants to fight you, you should not engage in a fight. If a kid hits you, defend yourself if you must. Do not get angry and do not continue the fight. Make sure to tell a teacher and always tell the truth.

    Not all mean words are curse words. Never call kids bad names.

    Never use curse words, whether in conversation or to bully. There are other words that are not necessarily curse words, but are meant to put others down. For example, when I was in school, I was often called a “goody goody” because I got good grades and helped my teacher willingly. Basically, don’t use any words that have a damaging intent.

    When someone else is being bullied, you should take a stand.

    Sometimes when you see a kid being bullied, you might be afraid to do or say anything for fear of retaliation. You never have to be afraid to do the right thing, though, and showing support for a victim is always a good thing. Ask the mean kids to stop. If they don’t, talk to the kid and make sure he/she is okay. Be that kid’s friend, even if it means you are also made fun of. Think of what good you can do.

    If you set an example by not being mean, and not participating in bullying, others may follow.

    Not all kids want to bully, or be quiet when they see it. They are just afraid. If they see you standing up for others, you will be surprised how many will follow you instead of the bully. You be a force for good.

    You can talk to me and your dad any time, about anything.

    There is nothing that you can’t talk to us about. We will be understanding. We will listen. We will give you a hug. We will talk you through it. We will pray with you and for you.

    We love you. You are a good boy. Thank you for coming to me and talking about this today.

  • Pornography: I say it. I talk about it. You should too.

    Once upon a time, there was a young woman who went out to college. She met a young man. Though she for a long time only saw him as a friend, her feelings finally turned into something more and they fell in love. 

    They had many conversations about their pasts. He told her that he used to have a pornography addiction but he was over it. She believed him. 

    He visited her over the summer after that semester and asked her to marry him. She said yes. 

    One night, after she was back at school, he told her he had viewed pornographic images once during their engagement, while she was away for the summer.

    This was very hard for her, and she considered breaking off the engagement. But she ultimately decided she loved him and still wanted to marry him. They got married.

    Married life was good sometimes, and other times really hard. He often did not treat her with love and respect. He once told her he loved himself more than her. They had good times too, though, and during one of these good times, the young couple chose to have a baby. They had a baby boy.

    Having a baby did not heal their marriage woes. The marriage continued to decline. She finally found out that he had gotten back into pornography. That explained his declining grades, his secretiveness, his temper, their lack of intimacy.

    She was angry and heartbroken. She quickly realized, though, that even though her love for her husband was gone, she did not want to sever the relationship. For her child, she was willing to work hard to fix her marriage. They counseled with the bishop of their congregation. The young man started a 12-step addiction recovery program.

    There seemed to be some hope, but it soon faltered. He decided overcoming his addiction was too hard. His family was not worth all that trouble. He asked for a divorce. She obliged, but it was the hardest thing she had ever had to do in her life. 

    After college graduation, she and her son left him. They moved far away.

    And they lived happily ever after?

    Well, after years of self-esteem issues, guilt over leaving her son in daycare, and feelings of ostracism for being young and divorced with a child, she finally found happiness again. She is happier than ever. 

    His life has not changed for the better. 

    *******

    This story is not one that any of us would want to write into our histories, nor into the histories of our children. However, because this is a true story, and there are so many others like it, it is important to explore how this story could have been written very differently. 

    The first thing that is important for us to consider is that a pornography addiction can happen to anyone regardless of age, sex, religion, or marital status. In the story, he was the one with an addiction, but it could have just as easily have been her. 

    Because age is not a factor in whether or not someone will develop a pornography addiction, we need to start teaching our children about pornography from a young age. 

    Before we can tell our kids about pornography, we need to tell them about passions and feelings. 

    Sister Linda Reeves, the 2nd Counselor in the General Relief Society presidency in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS church) explained, “One reason we are here on earth is to learn to manage the passions and feelings of our mortal bodies. These God-given feelings help us want to marry and have children. The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit and body, and brings a fulness of joy and happiness as we learn to put each other first.”

    These same feelings aroused outside of marriage, however, are not characterized as love, but rather lust. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the LDS church spoke of the different between love and lust:

    “Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about… But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite.”

    Now that our kids know that participating in pornography is a poison to true love, we need to now tell them what pornography actually is. According to the Miriam-Webster dictionary it is movies, pictures, magazines, etc., that show or describe naked people or sex in a very open and direct way in order to cause sexual excitement. 

    As I ponder the “etc.” in the definition, I think of books (think romance novels, for example), TV shows, music, music videos, video games, photo advertisements, and sometimes even products. Anything created to induce sexual excitement can be considered pornography. It doesn’t have to be Playboys, movies from adult video stores, and naked images from porn websites. As long as the materials arouse a person sexually, they are considered pornography. Explicit nudity is not a prerequisite.

    Some might might call this a difference of “hard porn” and “soft porn.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle in the LDS church, said, “Some seek to justify their indulgence by arguing that they are only viewing “soft,” not “hard,” porn. A wise bishop called this refusing to see evil as evil. He quoted men seeking to justify their viewing choices by comparisons such as “not as bad as” or “only one bad scene.” But the test of what is evil is not its degree but its effect. When persons entertain evil thoughts long enough for the Spirit to withdraw, they lose their spiritual protection and they are subject to the power and direction of the evil one. When they use Internet or other pornography for what this bishop described as “arousal on demand” (letter of Mar. 13, 2005), they are deeply soiled by sin.”

    In this quote, we see some of the dangers from pornography: loss of the Spirit and subjection to the Devil’s power. 
    Sister Reeves explained how important it is to talk to our kids about these dangers: “We as parents and leaders need to counsel with our children and youth on an ongoing basis, listening with love and understanding. They need to know the dangers of pornography and how it overtakes lives, causing loss of the Spirit, distorted feelings, deceit, damaged relationships, loss of self-control, and nearly total consumption of time, thought, and energy.”
    It is so important that our conversations with our kids are ongoing, and even go beyond the damaging effects of pornography.

    Jeffrey J. Ford, MS, a marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT, advised to have many conversations with our kids about pornography to clarify our values, let our kids express opinions, instill truths about sexuality, and answer our kids’ questions. We should also discuss the “what if” scenarios with our kids so they know what to do if a friend tries to show them a dirty magazine, or if a teacher starts showing an inappropriate movie, etc. This way, if they do come in contact with pornography, they have already made the decision of how to get away from it. Dr. Ford stresses that kids need a safe place to talk about porn, and that should be in the home. 
    The Utah Coalition Against Pornography encourages us to tell our kids about our experiences with pornography. This way they can see that we also have struggles, and have empathy for theirs. We should encourage our kids to tell us within 10 minutes if they have had contact with pornography, and then praise them when they do.
    My friend let me borrow a CD of a sermon her pastor had given a few years back about sex and pornography. Several of his points were excellent. He said that we need to be the ones to tell our kids about sex and their bodies. (You may need to have the same conversations more than once and with varying detail – my son already forgot what sex is and I told him less than four months ago.) If you tell them about everything, they won’t feel the need to look up this information and, as a result, come in contact with pornography. We should always tell our kids the truth when they ask us, and look for teachable moments. Talking about pornography can be a little embarrassing, but we should remember it is the Devil who does not want us to talk about it. “Silence is a reckless option.” Our kids can only make good sexual choices if they know what they are. 

    As a young kid, maybe 10, I was exposed to pornography. A friend of mine showed me a copy of one of her father’s Playboy magazines while her mother was running an errand. On another occasion, she closed us up in one of the rooms of her house and showed me, on mute, parts of a pornographic movie. I never told my parents about it, probably because our family did not ever sit together and talk about pornography, how it is wrong, and what to do if you see it. As mentioned, it can be embarrassing to talk about pornography, but it must be done to protect our children, and to help them know how to react when porn comes into their grasp.

    I just had a conversation about pornography with my 9-year-old son on Sunday. I told him about the feelings and about what pornography is. At that age, he doesn’t really understand. However, he does understand our bodies are temples, that we are created in the image of God, and that bodies should be viewed and treated with such respect. He does know what to do if he sees naked images. He knows what to do if he hears a song that makes him uncomfortable. I also gave him the advice that if friends at school whisper for him to come look at something, he probably wouldn’t want to go over there. Any time a kid feels the need to be secretive about something, most likely he/she is breaking a rule.

    In our counsels with our children about pornography, we should decide what our media standards are going to be and why. These media standards should be kept by all members of the family. If you wouldn’t want your kid looking at it, reading it, or listening to it, then it most likely should not be in the house at all. Don’t think they won’t find it. Kids snoop around when you aren’t home. They find the romance novels and the dirty magazines. 
    Even with standards, we need to safeguard further by keeping our TVs and computers in common areas, as well as installing parental controls for our computers, TVs, and handheld devices, such as cell phones and tablets. (Sister Reeves mentioned that most kids get involved with porn through these handheld electronics.) This way members of the family will not accidentally, or be tempted to purposely, partake in pornography. 

    A couple good free internet filters are k9webprotection.com and opendns.com. For cell phones, you can install parental controls that can even disable the internet and texting, if you like. I recently downloaded Kids Place on my phone, and it has many options for safeguarding kids from inappropriate content.

    Social media is also a place where pornography is rampant. It would be beneficial for us to be friends with our kids on Facebook, Instagram, etc., to monitor what they are posting and liking.

    These filters are great at helping prevent the viewing, listening, and reading of pornography, but Sister Reeves has an even better filter option:  “…The greatest filter in the world, the only one that will ultimately work, is the personal internal filter that comes from a deep and abiding testimony of our Heavenly Father’s love and our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for each one of us.”

    Elder David A. Bednar, an apostle for the LDS church, said, “Such testimony fortifies faith and provides direction. Such testimony generates light in a world that grows increasingly dark. Such testimony is the source of an eternal perspective and of enduring peace…”

    Once Sister Reeves and her husband were praying because they were overwhelmed with their young children and all their other responsibilities. The answer to their prayer was, “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

    These spiritual filters – testimony, scripture study, prayer and Family Home Evening, bring an abundance of the Holy Spirit into the home, and can be a protection from the temptation of the Devil.
    Sister Reeves also spoke of the protection that can come from many other worthy practices:
    1. Doing family history work and attending the temple
    Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, in regards to participating in family history and temple work, “I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life” (“The Joy of Redeeming the Dead,”Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2012, 94).
    2. Following the prophet
    President Wilford Woodruff stated: “I say to Israel, the Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as president of the Church to lead you astray. It is not in the program. It is not in the mind of God.” (The Discourses of Wilford Woodruff, pp. 212–13.)
    3. Prayerfully studying the Book of Mormon
    The Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ
    Elder Boyd K Packer said, “The scriptures hold the keys to spiritual protection. They contain the doctrine and laws and ordinances that will bring each child of God to a testimony of Jesus Christ as the Savior and Redeemer.” (The Key to Spiritual Protection October 2013)
    It is the job of the parents to explain the sacred feelings given to us to use in our marriages, explain what pornography is and its dangers, set up regular times to discuss pornography with our kids, set family standards, install parental controls, and finally, make our homes safe havens by the spiritual deeds performed there. 
    Once we have done this, it is in our children’s hands to make the right choices. We have set the example and taught them the right way.We have to remember that they will be in other people’s homes. They will be around other people with different values at school and work. We can’t protect them from everything.

    For example, I used to babysit my cousins some nights while their parents were out. Their TV did not have parental controls. Once I was flipping through the channels and came across a very sexually charged movie. I was curious, the heat rose within me, and I secretly watched much of it. It was the wrong choice. I should have known better.

    Sister Reeves admonished, “Youth, take responsibility for your own spiritual well-being. Turn off your phone if necessary, sing a Primary song, pray for help, think of a scripture, walk out of a movie, picture the Savior, take the sacrament worthily, study For the Strength of Youth, be an example to your friends, confide in a parent, go see your bishop, ask for help, and seek professional counseling, if needed.”
    A person’s spiritual well-being relies on so much more than not participating in pornography. The standards must be much higher. 
    Sister Reeves mentioned the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, a guidebook on how youth (and all of us) should live our lives to be like Christ and return to Him. One of the standards in this book is Entertainment and Media. 
    It says: Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit. 
    I also love the counsel given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle in the LDS church:
    1. “Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you.”
    2. “Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil.”
    3. “Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds…Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down.”
    4. “Cultivate and be where the Spirit of the Lord is. Make sure that includes your own home or apartment, dictating the kind of art, music, and literature you keep there. If you are endowed, go to the temple as often as your circumstances allow. And when you leave the temple, remember the symbols you take with you, never to be set aside or forgotten.”
    Parents lead the way, and then the children make their own choices. There will be times, though, when despite all the good direction you have given your kids, that they may still develop an addiction to pornography at some point in their lives. 
    Sister Reeves gave humbling counsel: “We would be wise not to react with shock, anger, or rejection, which may cause them to be silent again.”
    The natural reaction to finding out a loved one has a pornography addiction would be all the things she said not to do. I thought about it, and even if someone is engaged in such a horrifying sin, that person is still a child of God. That person still has the ability to change and become better. By showing compassion and care, we can help the person know that the change is possible and worth it. 
    A father sitting at a kitchen table with his teenage son. The father and son are talking with each other.
    For more advice about how to respond when you find out someone you love has a pornography addiction, click here. 
    The young woman in the story may not have reacted the best at first, but she did sincerely want her husband to overcome his addiction. She wanted to save her marriage and keep her family together.
    She suffered greatly because of her husband’s addiction. It made her feel betrayed, unloved, not good enough, and defeated. 
    woman pondering
    Sister Reeves has offered words of hope to people like this young woman: “We as leaders are also greatly concerned about the spouses and families of those suffering from pornography addiction. Elder Richard G. Scott has pleaded: “If you are free of serious sin yourself, don’t suffer needlessly the consequences of another’s sins. … You can feel compassion. … Yet you should not take upon yourself a feeling of responsibility for those acts.” Know that you are not alone. There is help. Addiction recovery meetings for spouses are available, including phone-in meetings, which allow spouses to call in to a meeting and participate from their own homes.”
    Elder C. Scott Grow has also provided comfort with his words: “The Savior felt the weight of the anguish of all mankind―the anguish of sin and of sorrow. “Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.” Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed” (“The Miracle of the Atonement,” April 2011 General Conference).
    If this young woman had realized that her husband’s addiction was not her fault, that there were support meetings for other spouses like her, that she could be healed as she exercised faith in her Savior and forgave her husband, her suffering would have been much less.
    Forgiveness. That is a very difficult thing to do when one has been betrayed so deliberately and painfully. President James E. Faust spoke about forgiveness in a way to make it more attainable. He said:
     1. Forgiveness is not always instantaneous.”
     2. “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss.”
     3. “Forgiveness comes more readily when … we have faith in God and trust in His word.”
     4. “If we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us.”
    Now what about the one with the pornography addiction? The young man in the story chose not to repent of his sins. He chose not to go through with the program. He chose to end his marriage. Maybe he just didn’t understand this, spoken by Sister Reeves:
    “Young people and adults, if you are caught in Satan’s trap of pornography, remember how merciful our beloved Savior is. Do you realize how deeply the Lord loves and cherishes you, even now? Our Savior has the power to cleanse and heal you. He can remove the pain and sorrow you feel and make you clean again through the power of His Atonement…He has paid the price for our sins, but we must kneel before our Father in Heaven, in deep humility, confessing our sins, and plead with Him for forgiveness. We must want to change our hearts and our desires and be humble enough to seek the help and forgiveness of those we may have hurt or forsaken.”

    No, as a youth, this young man must not have realized he had to repent to really get over his pornography addiction. Then as an adult facing divorce, he must not have known that forgiveness and purity was within his reach if he would only reach out to his Savior.

    There are so many wonderful resources to help those affected by pornography addictions. Anyone with an addiction, or spouses and family of one with an addiction, can find live or phone support meeting schedules at addictionrecovery.lds.org.    
    Much of the information I put in this blog post came from overcomingpornography.org. It is a site dedicated to educating, preventing, dealing, and healing. Everything you need to know about how to teach your children correct principles is there. Advice for how to safeguard your home is there. The signs of a pornography addiction are there. It is all there. Most importantly, this site is meant to help you or a loved one overcome pornography through the atonement of Jesus Christ. 
    Only Jesus Christ can make us clean. Only through Him can we live with our Father in Heaven again.
    Perhaps someday the young man in the story will feel Christ’s outstretched arms, beckoning him back, reaching to him, yearning to pull him into a warm, loving embrace.
    God bless this young man, and any other person who has fallen into Satan’s trap of pornography. It is not too late for you. You can overcome. You can find peace. You can be pure again. All you have to do is trust in the Lord. 

  • Pioneer: One that goes before, showing others the way to follow.

    Every year on July 24, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) celebrate Pioneer Day, the anniversary of the day that the first Mormon pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847. It is a day to honor and remember the faith, courage, sacrifice, and perseverance of the early members of the church.
    The early Saints were such powerful examples of putting God first and following His will no matter what the circumstances. They endured more hardships than most could ever imagine, fearing for their lives, being driven from place to place, grieving over the martyrdom of their beloved prophet, and traveling hundreds of miles by foot (some with only handcarts in the bitter cold of winter), to finally find a resting place where they could worship the Lord, Jesus Christ, in peace.
    A pioneer is one that goes before, showing others the way to follow. Because of their commitment, unity, faith and selflessness, the pioneers paved a way for millions to find the joy and truth they had received.
    There is so much to be learned from these Mormon pioneers, and they actually still exist today. They don’t deal with the same hardships, but Mormons from all over the world strive to follow Jesus Christ as valiantly as the faithful men, women and children who crossed the plains.
    I love this video narrated by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He speaks of the idea of modern-day Mormon pioneers.
    One definition of a modern Mormon pioneer is one who is the first member of his/her family to join the LDS church.
    My husband, Jad, is one of these pioneers. He grew up in Jordan with a very large family, all who affiliated
    themselves with the teachings and traditions of the same Christian religion.
    Throughout his childhood, Jad had many questions. He would look up at the stars and wonder where he came from and what the purpose of life was.
    When he was about 9 or 10, he asked a priest these questions. He was quickly rebuked saying that he should not ask such questions as they would make him crazy.
    When Jad sadly learned that there were no answers to his questions, he slowly slipped away from his religion and
    God. He finally denounced religion all together when he stopped attending his Christian school at age 15.
    In his early adult years, after graduating from college in Jordan, he moved to the United States for a business opportunity with his uncle. A few years later, his friend told him of another opportunity in North Carolina.
    One night as he walked through Wal-Mart to shop for his store, he saw two young women and walked up to them. They were kind to him and invited him to a party. He accepted and was excited to attend.
    When Jad arrived at the party, he noticed it was much different than he expected. It was a family party, celebrating with family members who would soon move away. He stayed, though, and accepted an invitation to visit this family’s church, called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
    That Sunday he met many new, smiling faces. He felt good as he listened to the children of the congregation put on a musical presentation. He left church with an invitation to help someone in the congregation who needed a ramp built for his home.
    This was Jad’s first experience with the Mormon Church, but not the last. Over the course of the next nine months he would attend church every Sunday. He would have the missionaries in his home on a weekly basis, and feed them each time.
    He was full of questions, and sometimes skepticism. He asked for a long time that the missionaries only answer his questions through Bible verses. They were always able to do so.
    After one lesson with the missionaries, they challenged Jad to not drink the next time he went out socially. He took the challenge, and he was surprised at how different everyone acted when intoxicated. He didn’t like it. So, even though for years Jad had drank nearly every night, he never did again after that experience.
    Not everything came so easily for Jad, though. He found many Mormon beliefs to be strange, but he kept listening
    and studying and spending time with the members and missionaries.
    Though he resisted with his brain, his heart could not sever him from the church. Even when members of his family presented him with anti-Mormon materials to read and view, he did not stop investigating.
    Through the months he investigated the church, Jad got many answers to questions. The teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made sense. It all made sense, but he was nervous it was too good to be true.
    One night, he prayed to Heavenly Father and told Him that if He answered Jad’s prayers on behalf of his friend, himself and his uncle, all with different needs, that he would know the church was true, and that he would join.
    The next morning, after talking to these two individuals that he had prayed about the night before, he joyfully
    realized that his prayers had indeed been answered. Jad knew that he would then accept the invitation to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
    He was baptized on his birthday, July 22, 2008. Soon he was called upon to be a ward missionary in his congregation, and then the ward mission leader.
    Jad had a testimony, and felt happy in his new faith. The questions he had had his whole life were answered. He still had more questions, though, and kept asking.
    Over time, Jad gained a stronger testimony of things that weren’t as clear when he got baptized. After the first General Conference he viewed, he knew that there was a living prophet. When he paid an honest tithe, he gained a testimony of tithing.
    Jad’s change of lifestyle, faith, and heart did not come without its struggles. Several members of his family ridiculed
    him for changing his lifestyle and no longer following the traditions he had always known. His own brother told him he would never talk to him again, though has since changed that stance.
    For the last six years, however, Jad has remained true to his baptismal covenants. He has tried his best to stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places (Mosiah 18:9).
    He has had numerous conversations with members of his family about the faith that he loves so dearly. He tries to set a good example for them, and help them find the full truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He has not given up, and will never do so. The gospel means that much to him.
    Jad and I truly believe that he was meant to live in the United States so that he could find the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. He never meant to live here, but instead wanted to be a pilot in Jordan. But, he is now one of very few Arabic members of the church. We believe that he has a great opportunity to help spread forth the kingdom of God
    to those of his heritage.
    Jad Al-Bjaly is a modern-day pioneer.
     Many members of our church have a long line of members in their family. However, all Mormons can be pioneers as
    they stand for what is right even when it isn’t popular, when they live their lives in service to God and to their fellow men, and when they share the light they have with others.
    Last Sunday, our worship services began with talks about the growth of the church in the Hillsborough and Mebane areas over the last several decades. Members of the church that grew up in these areas prayed and hoped for many years for an LDS chapel to be built closer to them so they could better serve and worship the Lord. That day has come.
    At the end of the meeting, our stake president gave a heartfelt and beautiful dedicatory prayer. The greatest desire emanated from the prayer was that the church members would work diligently with the missionaries, and dedicate their efforts to lovingly and boldly sharing their testimonies and spiritual knowledge with others. By so doing, our
    new church building can be filled with new faces to love and nourish with the good word of God.
    Mormons see beauty and truth in all religions, with respect for them all. We believe that there is much truth in all Christian religions about Jesus Christ and His gospel. The difference is that we believe that our church is the same church that Jesus established on the earth, with the same doctrines, the same priesthood authority, with the same focus on living the commandments as He presented them himself. We believe that God still speaks to a prophet today, and that we don’t have to be confused in today’s increasingly wicked world. We believe in loving and serving others every day of our lives, and we want with all of our hearts to share this joy and fulfillment that we enjoy every day.
    Every single member of the church who shares this light with others, in hopes that they join with us, is also a modern-day pioneer.
    I am a modern-day pioneer. My blog is dedicated to sharing my testimony, my faith, my hope with each of you. I want every person in this world to have the blessings of eternal families. I want everyone to know that God loves them and knows them. I want everyone to know what my husband wondered – where they came from and what this life is for.
    Another apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Neil L. Andersen, narrated a very spiritual video about pioneers, old and new, and about their love for their Savior, Jesus Christ. Please watch it. I promise it
    will touch your heart, as it does mine each time I watch it.
    President Gordon B. Hinckley, our beloved prophet from 1995-2008, said, “We honor best those who have gone before when we serve well in the cause of truth.”
    Elder Oaks expounded on this by saying, “That cause of truth is the cause of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whose servants they were, and whose servants we should strive to be.”
    I strive every day of my life to be the Lord’s servant. As the song “True to the Faith” says,
    True to the faith that our parents have cherished,
    True to the truth for which martyrs have perished,
    To God’s command, Soul, heart, and hand,
    Faithful and true we will ever stand.
    Faithful and true I will ever stand – soul, heart and hand. I am a modern-day pioneer. Thank you to all of you who are and will someday become a modern-day Mormon pioneer. May God bless you in your zeal and devotion to the cause of truth.

     

     

  • Gratitude can change your life for the best

    I shared this talk in my church congregation on December 17, 2006, not long after the hardest experiences I have ever had in my life up until that point, and probably ever in my life, until now.

    The talk’s topic was gratitude. I always thought that it was an inspired topic, for through studying it was I able to find some peace and a greater awareness of all of the gifts Heavenly Father has given me.

    I came across this talk today for the first time since 2006, and I thought that it might help someone who has been going through tough times, and is having a difficult time seeing God’s hand and feeling His love.

    Talk on Gratitude
    Doctrine and Covenants 59:21 reads, “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none
    is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.” President James E. Faust said that this is “more than a social courtesy; it is a binding commandment.” Lastly, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 reads, “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
    These statements are very clear. We must show gratitude for every occurrence and aspect of our lives.
    Much of this total gratitude includes our blessings. All of us are different and come from different backgrounds, but nevertheless all receive and have received countless blessings in our lives. Doctrine and Covenants 46:32 reads, “And ye must give thanks to God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.”
    We have so many things to be thankful for. The well-known and beautiful primary song, “My Heavenly Father Loves Me,” illustrates gratitude for nature and our senses.
    Whenever I hear the song of a bird, or look at the blue, blue sky.
    Whenever I feel the rain on my face, or the wind as it rushes by.
    Whenever I touch a velvet rose, or walk by a lilac tree,
    I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me.
    He gave me my eyes that I might see the color of butterfly wings.
    He gave me my ears that I might hear the magical sound of things.
    He gave me my life, my mind, my heart, I thank him reverently
    for all his creations of which I’m a part. Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.
     
    In addition to nature and creations, some of our greatest blessings in life include the people that we love and respect, such as family, friends, teachers, mentors, and leaders. Without our relationships, we would be empty souls, hungry for love, acceptance, guidance, and companionship. The hymn “Each Life that Touches Ours for Good” perfectly reflects the positive impact of strong relationships with others. The first verse reads:
    Each life that touches ours for good, reflects thine own great mercy, Lord.
    Thou sendest blessings from above through words and deeds of those who love.
    In this church, we are also especially grateful for the gospel and the resources we have to help us better learn of Christ and our Father in Heaven. We have the scriptures, beautiful hymns, missionaries, a wonderful prophet and general authorities, temples, church magazines, and there are so many other resources that we enjoy. We must
    ask ourselves where we would be without the knowledge that Jesus Christ is our Savior, that the Father sent him down to earth to atone for the sins of the world, that we may be forgiven of our sins and receive eternal life.
    At this time of year we reflect on Jesus’ birth. John 3:16 reads:
    For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,
    that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
    President Hinckley declared,
    We love him. We honor him. We thank him. We worship him. He has done for each of us and for all mankind that which none other could have done. God be thanked for the gift of his Beloved Son, our Savior, the Redeemer of the world, the Lamb without blemish who was offered as a sacrifice for all mankind. Christ was the ultimate gift and blessing, and there are countless other blessings that we as individuals enjoy, including health, prosperity, education, accomplishments, and freedoms, along with many others.
    It is easy to see our blessings and have grateful minds when our lives are going well.  There are times, however, when we go through intense and difficult trials. During these times we may waver about our faith, see only the negative, complain, criticize, and place blame. At these times in our lives, it is difficult to have positive attitudes, least of all to feel grateful to our Lord for our blessings. Our problems seem to much outweigh any goodness in our lives. There is hope for these feelings of doubt and despair. We can still be happy despite our trials.
    One way to do this is to have a positive attitude; see the beauty in the darkness. President Monson
    offers this excellent insight:
    We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.
    Some recognition of blessings will come during the course of the trial, and other recognition may come after the trial as you notice its positive outcomes.
    I think this talk was meant for me because this year of my life was the hardest that I have ever had to bear. This year I got divorced from my eternal companion, moved across the country, had to start my life completely over with friends, work, living arrangements, not to mention that I lost my in-laws and friends. That sounds pretty bad, and it is if you look at if from a negative perspective. But, even though my marriage failed, I am glad for the experience that it brought to my life. I have my beautiful son, who I love more than anything in the world. When I look at him, I see God’s divine hand in my life. During my two years of marriage I also had security, wonderful people to call my in-laws, my beautiful primary children whom I would not have taught if I hadn’t of been married and in a family ward.
    The most important thing I got out of my marriage was growth as an individual. I strengthened myself in ways of tolerance, forgiveness, communication skills, enduring to the end, hard work, love, and devotion. I went through my divorce during my last semester at SUU. That was a very difficult semester, but I did receive many blessings during that time. The sheer fact that I was able to graduate from college with high honors when I had a baby, family, work, church, and a divorce to worry about on top of school was a miracle in itself.
    My life since I have moved to North Carolina has been hard too, but I have had so many blessings. I have a loving family who helps me with everything I need, even though  I know sometimes Casey and I are a hardship; my ex-husband and I are friends and we keep in contact; I have made many friends in this ward, and I am so grateful for how many of you have opened your hearts to Casey. I am grateful that even though I will soon have to put my son in someone else’s care while I work, that he will be with a loving caregiver who has a son his age. Everything is going to be okay in my life. I just need to focus on the positive.
    The song “Count your Blessings” helps us to change our attitude and build our faith of enduring trials. The first two verses read:
    When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost,
    count your many blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
    Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
    Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by.
     In the field of communication there is a theory dealing with costs and rewards. When a relationship brings more costs than rewards to our lives, we will end the relationship. But I testify to you today that no matter how many trials we have to face, in our relationship with the Savior, the rewards will always be higher than the costs. So, coming to the Lord in prayer, asking for help in your trials is perhaps the best way to have the strength to live life positively and
    with a grateful heart.
    Alma 37:37 reads:
    Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good;
    yea, when thou liest down at night, lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep;
    and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God;
    and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.
    We shall be exalted if we come unto Christ and thank him for all that he does for us in our every day lives. There is nothing greater for which we can be thankful.
    To show God how much we love him, we should serve others. These kind acts will also help us to overlook our own struggles by helping others with theirs. You could be the answer to someone else’s prayer and not even know it. You can stimulate gratitude in others through pure love and service. To show our gratitude to our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ we should be mindful of our brethren just as they are mindful of us. Then we can find joy in our sometimes dreary lives.
    We now know that we must be grateful for all things and thus we need to show this gratitude. The simplest way is just to say it. President Hinckley said:
    There are two little words in the English language that perhaps mean more than all others.
    They are “thank you.”
    President Monson counsels:
    “Think to thank. In these three words is the finest capsule course for a happy marriage, a formula for enduring friendship, and a pattern for personal happiness.”
    In Luke 17 we read about the ten lepers. Christ showed them the way to be healed, and only one of the ten lepers came back to thank him. Jesus said to the Samaritan:
    Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine? There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger. And he said unto him, Arise and go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.
    The man who expressed his gratitude received Christ’s blessing, and the others’ ingratitude resulted only in disappointment.
    We can express our gratitude to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in our prayers, and also in our actions.
    President Monson offers this plea:
    Let us follow Him. Let us emulate his example. Let us obey His word.
    By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude.
    Jesus himself said in John 14:21:
    He that hath my commandments and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me.
    We should also use the gospel resources that we have been given, such as studying the scriptures, praying, sustaining church leaders, paying our tithing and fast offering, singing hymns, going to the temple, and doing family history.
    We should show our gratitude to those who serve us on the earth. We can write thank you notes, make phone calls, show affection, and spend time with people. Remember, that even if someone does something for you that may not be exactly what you wanted, still show excitement and gratitude because that person worked really hard to make you happy. Also try not to take those who serve you for granted. Say thank you to your family, friends, and all others for everything, even the small things.
    I’d like to leave you with two quotes. The first was given by President Harold B. Lee:
    Life is God’s gift to man. What we do with our life is our gift to God.
    Doctrine and Covenants 78:19 reads:
    And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious;
    and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.
     What a promise. Just showing gratitude can bring about so many wonderful blessings. I am thankful so much for this ward and for your kindness to Casey and me. I hope that we can all remember Christ and his infinite love for each of us.

  • Reminiscing about a miracle

    Since yesterday my mind has been filled with memories of my youngest baby, who is one year old today. I have felt sad that he is growing up so fast. I have also felt excitement about celebrating this wonderful milestone today. Mostly, though, I have felt an overwhelming gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the miracles surrounding Kamren’s birth. I know from that experience, and others, that God knows me. He loves me. He is aware of me. I also know that sometimes we go through trials so He can remind us of His presence in our lives, if we only turn to Him.

    Happy birthday to my beautiful baby, and much love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this miracles He has bestowed to me and my family.

    Please read below about the miracles that happened on May 5, 2013.

    To my cousin earlier in April I said: “Lisa, don’t you want to wait until closer to the time Kamren is due to come visit? If you come the weekend of the 4th, he won’t be born yet.”

    To many family members and friends throughout April up until even May 4 I said: “I don’t think I’m going to have this baby early. If he’s like Casey and Rigel, he will most likely be late.”

    To my Relief Society President, Lisa Hagan, around 8:30 PM on May 4 I said: “No, I haven’t had the baby yet. Thanks for checking up on me, though. I am doing fine.”

    No, I never in a million years expected what was going to happen to me a few hours after going to bed the night of Saturday, May 4. I went to bed tired, but it had been a very productive day of yard-saleing, spending time with family at the Hibachi Buffet and then at my house, having barbeque ribs at our neighbors’ house, and even taking a walk before putting the kids to bed.

    Before we said our personal prayers for the night, Jad said he hadn’t been able to think of a good personal reason to fast for Fast Sunday the next day. I told him that it would be a good idea, since Kamren would be born sometime this month, for him to fast that Kamren would have a safe and healthy delivery and birth. Nothing could have been more appropriate and important to fast for that night.

    We went to bed around 11 or so, just a little while after my cousin, Lisa, got to our house. After just a few short hours of sleep, I awoke sometime between 1:30 and 2 AM. I felt terrible, like I had awful indigestion. I told Jad how I was
    feeling, and he immediately turned on the light and asked if we were going to have a baby tonight. I reassured him that no, that wasn’t going to happen, and asked him to get me some Tums.

    I took the Tums and drank some water, thinking I would feel better. I tried to go back to sleep, but then I felt what seemed to be a contraction. I asked for my phone, and Jad again asked me if we needed to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to come to any rash conclusions, so I said I didn’t think so, but I had a contraction and wanted to time any others that came. I felt another two contractions, and they were a minute or less apart. If you know anything about
    labor, you know that when contractions are that close together, the baby is coming pretty soon.

    I must have still been in denial though, because I did not feel a need to freak out or tell Jad how far apart they were.
    I focused instead on how I still felt I needed to go to the bathroom. I tried to go, and this time I felt my water break, but it was weird because it was almost like the water was pouring down around something, rather than in a gush
    straight down. Jad noticed blood in the water, and I finally decided it was time to call the midwife pager.

    The midwife, Stephanie, called back in a minute or so (around 2:10). I told her what had happened and she told us to come on to the hospital. Time was going in slow motion for me and I had a very hard time making decisions. I knew I wanted to take a shower. I was a lot less hurried than Jad, who got dressed in seconds and was ready to go.

    I suddenly felt an incredibly strong urge to go to the bathroom, and in a high pitched, frantic voice, I told Jad to leave so I could do so, and that I couldn’t go to the hospital until I did.

    Jad left the room like I asked and went to ask Lisa about staying with the children while we went to the hospital. When Jad was with Lisa, I felt like I had no control over my bowels and that I had to push hard. I did so, and I started to scream loudly I am sure because of pain, but mostly because I felt something very large start to emerge from my body. It scared me to death.

    Immediately reacting to my scream, Jad ran into the bathroom. I didn’t know this at the time, but he saw the crown of Kamren’s head, with all its dark hair. While I was continuing to scream loudly enough to wake the neighbors, he started to run the bath water. I remember wondering why he felt the need to do that. He later said it was because he thought I might be able to have the baby in the bathtub.

    As I was screaming, I continued to push because that was all my body wanted to do, and Jad started to yell for my cousin to come help us. She told us later she was really scared and didn’t know what to do at first. She heard Rigel wake up and decided to calm him down as she determined she could do the most good with him.

    Very soon, Jad saw Kamren’s head in its entirety. At this point, I knew for a fact I was going to have my baby right then in my bathroom. I was so afraid, and I kept crying out ‘’My baby, my baby.”  I really had no idea what would happen to him or me once he was born.

    At this point, Jad, who was also quite scared, came to me as he was calling my mom, who didn’t answer. It turns out that my mom’s phone got a voicemail with me screaming ‘My baby, my baby.’ She didn’t notice it until later. I am kind of afraid to listen to it even now.

    Though I have no recollection of how often I pushed, I apparently pushed one more time, and once Jad saw the beginning of his shoulder, the baby fell quickly out of my body at 2:15 AM. (To get some perspective, everything that happened after the midwife called up until the birth happened in only five minutes.)

    In an instant I saw my baby’s head looking up at me in between my legs in the bloody toilet bowl. He let out a little cry and I lost it. I think I was nearly hyperventilating as I screamed over and over again, “Oh my God.” I had to pray
    to Heavenly Father later to apologize for using his name in vain.

    You may wonder how the baby ended up head up in the toilet, rather than head down. Jad said when he came out, his body slid up the contour of the bowl and then the bottom half of his body fell in the water.

    While I was freaking out, Jad immediately took Kamren out of the bowl. He noticed that the umbilical cord was tugging at his belly button, and realized the placenta had also emerged already. He lifted up the placenta out of the toilet and placed it on top of the baby. He took Kamren, along with the placenta to the bathtub to clean up his eyes and nose. Blood was dripping all over the place, so much so that we later compared our bathroom to a murder scene.

    I screamed out that we needed to call 911. Jad did so, but soon got frustrated and said the call wasn’t going through. He said, “I’m dialing 919. Why isn’t it working!?” Though that seems funny now, it wasn’t at the time, and I frantically said, “No, it’s 911!”

    I ended up dialing 911 while Jad called my mom and told her to dial 911 and tell the operator that the baby was here. I found out later she had no idea the baby was born (she just thought I was in labor), but found out from the operator upon dialing 911.

    When the 911 operator answered my call, I worriedly told her that I had just had a baby in my house and didn’t know what to do.

    She asked for my address and then said to clean the baby’s nose and mouth, which Jad had already done.  Then she told us to wrap him in a clean, dry towel. I momentarily inwardly panicked because I didn’t have a clean dry towel near me and going out to the linen closet would be a messy ordeal. So, I chose my towel since I figured it was cleaner than Jad’s. We wrapped the baby in it and Jad cleaned off his nose and mouth again.

    The operator asked about the placenta and if I had delivered it yet. Since I had, she asked that it be wrapped up as well. Jad grabbed my nightgown off the floor without hesitation and wrapped the bloody glob in it.

    Next she told Jad to find a shoelace to tie around the umbilical cord, about six inches from the baby’s belly button. She said not to pull on the placenta. Luckily, our closet was right by the bathroom. Jad handed me the baby for the first time and then grabbed a shoelace out of one of his nice church shoes.

    The operator told me to stay on the line with her until the ambulance came. At this point, Rigel had calmed down, so Lisa decided to come over to the bathroom to see if we needed help. She said as she walked into our bedroom, she could smell the blood and expected a mess to say the least.  I don’t remember us saying much, just kind of looking at each other with little, weak smiles. I’m glad she didn’t look freaked out. She actually thought I looked great for just having had a baby and that she felt comfort that all would be well with us.

    Jad asked Lisa to unlock the door so the EMTs could come in when they arrived.

    A couple minutes later, two men walked into my bathroom. Imagine how you would react seeing a bathroom covered in blood. I thought of that and apologized for the mess, also being embarrassed about being mostly naked sitting on a toilet seat. One of them said it was okay and that these things happen. I think I felt a little better after that.

    Just then, a couple women came with a wheelchair and other equipment. They asked me to sit down in the chair. They understood my embarrassment at standing up without pants, so they had a blanket ready to wrap around me, thank goodness. I gave Kamren back to Jad, which I am sure I didn’t like doing, and sat in the chair. I was wheeled down the hall and carried down the stairs. That was kind of scary.

    On the front porch was a stretcher. Somehow I was put on it and rolled to the ambulance, but all I remember thinking was, are my neighbors peeking out their windows looking at me right now? At the time, it seemed like there was more than one ambulance, but Jad told me later there was only one, just that the red light was reflecting off the truck. I must have been really out of it.

    I didn’t know this, but Jad told me that they put an oxygen mask on Kamren as Jad carried him to the ambulance.

    When I was put in the ambulance, I told the EMTs we needed our bags. I am glad I said that or otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten any pictures of the beginning of Kamren’s life. While all this was happening, my mom, brother and sister had hopped in the car and driven to Mebane. They followed the ambulance from Sheetz to the hospital.

    On the way to UNC Hospital, I held Kamren close while one of the male EMTs rubbed him vigorously with warm towels. I remember being worried about him. He was so blue/gray and not moving much. I was glad whenever he let out a little cry.

    The EMTs monitored my baby’s little heart and took my blood pressure. One of them tried to put an IV in my hand, which hurt terribly, but then after all that, he was unsuccessful. I was irritated about that. I wish he had just asked me where a good vein was.

    Other than that moment of slight annoyance, I think I was pretty much in a daze. Jad said he was feeling really happy everything was okay. He actually videotaped our trip to the hospital.

    When we got there, I was rolled to a room. I remember feeling very unsafe on the stretcher and held on very tightly to my baby.

    When we got to the room, a nurse took Kamren and put him under a warming lamp. I was given the task of moving from the stretcher to the hospital bed, which was actually very difficult.

    I was in a lot of pain, especially in my back and my lower abdomen. It also hurt terribly to get sewn up, even after getting numbed with the huge needle. I don’t think the numbing process even helped. I said “ow” way more than I wanted to. This was the first time I felt myself being sewn up after having a baby.

    During this whole experience, I am sure I wanted to cry. I never did, though, until after I was already in the hospital. I don’t remember exactly when it was, but I know it was during a time when it was quiet and Jad, my wonderful husband and hero, was standing next to me.

    It was so nice of my mom, brother and sister to come to the hospital to make sure Kamren and I were all right. They stayed for a little while to get some details about the birth and to see the baby.

    After I was put in my recovery room, Jad left for a while. His clothes were all bloody and he wanted to clean the bathroom (and other effected areas) and take a shower.

    Jad was in the middle of cleaning vigorously when Casey woke up that morning.  Lisa had a note ready for him saying I had had the baby. She spoke to him about it, and he didn’t believe Kamren was here because in Casey’s mind he was supposed to be born the following Sunday. It took some convincing, but finally he believed Lisa. I am sure he was excited, because when he first met Kamren, and held him, he was totally in love with him. It was so sweet to see them together.

    After the adventure I had early Sunday morning, my two days in the hospital were pretty normal. I enjoyed ordering as much hospital food as I wanted (the milkshakes were fabulous); I visited with family; I cuddled and nurtured my little one, who was safe and mostly healthy; and I reflected often on the blessings of the whole experience:

    1. Jad was home for the labor. Many of you know that he works out of town three days a week. Had he not been home for the delivery, I don’t know how I would have made the appropriate phone calls, and done all the procedures while holding the baby, especially since I had just had a very traumatic experience.
    2. My cousin, Lisa was there. Because she was at my house, we didn’t have to worry about what to do with the
      children. She was able to take care of them for us, for which we will always be grateful.
    3. Casey didn’t wake up when I was screaming. I think he would have been traumatized had he heard me, and even more so had he come to the bathroom and seen anything. Rigel did wake up, but Lisa was able to get to him and calm him down so he didn’t know what had happened.
    4. My labor was short. Because it was so short, my pain was also short. I think because of not having an epidural, my recovery has also been much faster this go around.
    5. We did not rush to the car. It was a great blessing I was a little indecisive about whether to go to the hospital,
      or what to do, because if we had rushed, I would have had the baby in the car.
    6. I felt birth for the first time. I got an epidural with my other two boys, and though I probably would do so again
      if I had the choice, I feel blessed that I was able to experience natural childbirth.
    7. I don’t remember the pain. I remember how it felt to push him out. I remember the shock and fear of it all. I do not remember how painful it was. I know it was excruciating because of how loud my screams were, but I do not remember feeling the pain.
    8. Kamren didn’t fall head first into the toilet. It didn’t make sense that he didn’t go head first since he was
      delivered head first. I believe that this was not an accident, but divine hands led him safely out.
    9. We made it to the hospital. I am so glad the ambulance came so quickly and that Kamren and I were able to be
      transported safely and healthy enough.
    10. Kamren didn’t have any really bad injuries. He did have a large bump on his head from the pressure, very
      bloodshot eyes from ruptured blood vessels (again from the pressure), bruising on his face, and some jaundice, but he had no broken bones or anything that caused the pediatrician major concern.
    11. Jad and I got this new respect and love for each other. We looked at each other with so much love after we made it to the hospital. To me, he was a hero, and to him I was. I love my husband so much and I am so glad that he and I were able to share this miracle together.
    12. We will always have a very special memory, one of love, survival and faith. Kamren will always be our miracle.

    “God was with you that day,” said my friend, Maria. She was right. I know that, just as I know He is with us every day. It was only refreshed in my mind from that experience. I was in the less than 1% of women who have unplanned home births. Why me? I don’t know, but I will always be grateful.

     

     

     

  • Mommies, what matters?

    A friend of mine asked on Facebook yesterday, “Mommies, what matters?”

    She said that one of her friends was told she was a bad mother because her kids wear hand-me-down clothes.
    Everyone who responded to this post completely disagreed with the thought. I am not surprised we all disagreed, but then I thought about it some more.

    First off, I am not planning on judging the person who made this comment. If you think about it, the world in which we live is obsessed with money and having the newest, best stuff. Often our feelings of self-worth are impacted by how we look, what we have, and how much money we make.

    Kids, especially teenagers, are really bombarded with this false reality. They get teased for how they are dressed, or for really anything about them that isn’t defined by their peers as cool. Perhaps that is why this person told this mother she was a bad mother. Who knows?

    Teasing is always going to be an issue. It will be hard to stop it. However, I know that we can raise our children in a way that teasing and bullying will not bother them. They will know who they are, how special they are, whose opinions really matter, and what things make a difference in their lives.

    How do we do this? Well, there are many experts who have their own opinions. I personally use the expertise of the one who created us. I use the scriptures, the word of God.

    How should I react when someone treats me badly?

    Matthew 5:44 – But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

    Luke 6:35 – But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.

    This is something all of us can do, whether we are a child getting teased, a mother being insulted, etc. Praying for someone who has hurt us can bring a lot of peace, for instead of hatred or bitterness or fear, we can feel compassion and mercy. We can feel the love that God has for that person, regardless of behavior.
    They think they are better than me because I don’t have what they have. Is that true?

    Matthew 5:45 –  …for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

    Acts 10:34 – Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons.

    Proverbs 22:2 – The rich and poor meet together: the Lord is the maker of them all.

    Regardless of earthly wealth and prestige, each of us is a child of God. He created all of us. God loves everybody unconditionally with a love we cannot even fathom, whether we follow Him or not.

    Is having the best stuff and looking the best really what makes people happy? Is it what we should want? Does it define who we are?

    1 Samuel 16:7 – But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

    Proverbs 22:1 -A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold.

    Matthew 6:19-21 –  Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

    1Timothy 6:10 –  For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

    Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 –  Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.

    The Lord counsels against the love of money, favor, and physical appearance. What matters is the richness of one’s soul and heart.

    If having lots of money and things aren’t important, what is?

    1Timothy 6:11 – But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.

    Matthew 6:33 –  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

    John 14:6 – Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

    Just as Jesus said in Matthew 6, lay up treasures in Heaven. This life is short. We can’t take our money, nice clothes, and fancy electronics with us. Our character, our faith, our love, our knowledge, we can take with us. As we try to be like Jesus and follow His perfect example, we will be blessed. What really matters is outlined beautifully in the beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12). Any blessing the Lord gives to us is infinitely more valuable than anything we can acquire on earth.

    Based on all this, “Mommies, what matters?”

    Mosiah 4:14-15 – And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness. But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.
    3 John 1:4 – I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth

    Isaiah 54:13 –  And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.

    Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live…Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

    J.KNOWLES HARE Lithograph-DEAR TO HER HEART-Mother Hugging Child
    My final thought is that only God needs judge if we are good mothers or not. It is not our place to worry about others’ choices. We need only worry about ourselves and what we teach our children by word and example.
    Mommies, you are doing better than you think you are. God loves you. He is on your side. He is with you. He trusts you with His precious children. May we all follow the word of the Lord as we teach our children in the way they should go.

  • Parenthood: Change for the harder, but truly for the better

    My name is Mandy. I am 29 years old and I am the mother of three boys ranging from almost 1 to almost 9.

    I am not going to lie to you – there are days when I just want to fold into myself and cry. Life as a parent is really hard.

    Despite this, I loving being a mom, and I even want to have more kids. Am I crazy for wanting this? I don’t think so.

    silly boys

    Yes, things change when you become a parent, many times for the harder, but with all my heart I say, not for the worse. Let’s talk about some of those difficult changes. I promise that with all of these difficulties come blessings. See if I am right after you keep reading about my life.

    Cleanliness of the Home… and the people in it

    I am someone who loves a clean, organized house. At this time in my life, it is pretty far from that description. At the end of any given day, there are toys strewn all over the floor, crumbs comparable to the sands of the sea under the kitchen table, kids with food stains all over their clothes and faces, and an at least one pile of laundry  spilling off the couch.

    It doesn’t only seem this way, but it is true, that my husband or I clean up and five minutes later there is another mess. Sometimes we think, why clean at all? Then we face reality and start cleaning, often after the kids are in bed.

    What could be good about this? Well, I can be grateful that I have food to feed my kids. Crumbs show they are fed. I can be grateful my kids have toys so they can have fun and play together. I can be grateful that my kids are curious and want to touch everything. This means they are learning.

    I used to apologize every time someone would come over to my house and it wasn’t perfectly clean. I have learned over time that true friends and loving family are coming over to see my family and me, not my clean house. They understand, and they usually want to help.

    A friend of mine told me about a wall plaque that says, “Yes, we do live here.” I love that. It’s not just that we sleep in this house either, but it’s that we have joy here. We live in our house, and happily so. That is what makes it a home.

    Physical Appearance

    There have been times in my life when I have been really concerned with how I looked. I wanted to make sure my makeup, hair and clothes all looked fabulous. I wanted to look great all the time.

    Having kids changed this for me. Hey don’t get me wrong, I don’t all of a sudden want to be smelly and gross. It’s not like that. I still have a desire to look good, and I have even had self-confidence issues due to my weight after having kids. However, I no longer make the way I look my top priority. I am not going to lie – sometimes I don’t take a shower until noon or later. I only put on makeup and fix my hair if I have time, but mostly just when I go to church or spend the day out. I don’t wear fabulous clothes that often either, but that is probably smart. I would have spit up, snot and food all over them at the end of the day anyway.

    Not focusing so much on my physical appearance has helped me in many ways. I have learned to see myself as more than my outward appearance. My insides – my character, my mind, my spirit – have become so much more important to me.

    I have learned to put others’ needs before my own. I do this by making sure my kids have the clothes they need, that their faces and hands are clean, that their noses are wiped, that their bums are clean. Putting others before myself has made me happier and more humble than ever before.

    The icing on the cake is that there is no better smell than freshly washed baby. It is beyond heavenly.

    Privacy and Free Time

    Once you have kids, you are really lucky to go to the bathroom on your own or sit down and eat a meal peacefully.

    When you are on the phone, your kids are the loudest and craziest. When you want a quiet moment with your spouse, your kids run in and jump all over you. When you think you might be able to get a nap, your baby wakes up from his nap just as your head hits the pillow.

    Not only do you have little privacy as a parent, you also have very little free time. I know I go all day every day because my kids always need something. Each day I look forward to when the kids go to sleep so I can relax a little. Earlier in the day, when the little ones nap, assuming they actually nap at the same time, I have to make a choice. Do I catch up on chores, take a nap, or do something fun like watch a movie? Actually, I usually choose to do something responsible, like pay bills or work on a lesson.  All this work can be really tough because I still have hobbies and interests and friends.

    This concept of less free time and privacy has taught me many things. I have learned to multitask and to survive on less sleep. I have been able to see what in my life isn’t important and get rid of it.

    I have pondered on what is the most important. There are many things that are important in my life. Some I have time to do now; others will have to wait. What I do know, though, is there is nothing more precious than my time with my husband and my kids. So, though I don’t get a lot of time alone, that time alone I would not cherish as much as my time with those I love most.

    Romance

    When you have kids, you are really busy. They take up most of your time. Even when you and your spouse are both at home with the kids, there is always a never-ending list of things to do. By the time the kids are all in bed, quite often my husband and I are exhausted. We have struggled with having enough time together to keep our marriage strong.

    We are still working on this, but a good thing that has come from it is that we are planning things to do with each other. We have goals we are working on. It has been rewarding to talk together about what we want and need, and how to do that. It is helping our communication.

    We want to be married forever, so we know we have to keep our marriage at the forefront. We want to, but we also know our kids aren’t going to be living with us forever.

    Sometimes we have moments when we look at each other and just smile with love and adoration. Those moments come when we see each other loving, playing with, and teaching our children, and when we see our children do something amazing that touches us to the core.

    We recognize for a few short years we may not have as much time together, but we are growing in love and adoration for each other each day as we see each other develop into a better spouse because of trying to be a better parent.

    Sleep

    I mentioned sleep earlier, but it merits mentioning again. Reasons for staying up late and the definition of sleeping in change drastically when you are a parent. It is rare you stay up late for fun. You instead stay up late so you can clean the house, do other chores, and possibly spend a little time alone, or with your spouse. The amount of sleep you get changes too. Eight hours? What’s that? Try five or six hours – and those five or six hours often are interrupted.

    Through enduring this difficult challenge for so long, I find I don’t need as much sleep as I used to. I can feel totally fine on way less than eight hours of sleep, on the good fortune that it is uninterrupted. I also feel way more grateful for sleep than I ever used to. Naps are a luxury and a good night’s rest a reason to celebrate.

    Timeliness

    When you have kids, it is a huge struggle to get anywhere on time. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is or when you started getting ready. It seems like right before we go somewhere, someone either needs a diaper change, needs to go potty, has forgotten something, or just isn’t cooperating.

    That is my life. I have found that I am most impatient and yell at my kids the most when I am in a hurry. Sometimes it is due to my lack of preparation, but most of the time it’s just the way it is.

    I am still trying to master the skills I am learning from this. I do think surviving on less sleep helps sometimes. What I really need to work on is my temperament. I need to be more patient. I need to be more compassionate. I need to keep my voice gentle. These skills would be helpful in so many aspects of my life, and this is an avenue for me to develop those skills.

    I also have learned that being a little late or exactly on time won’t make the world end. Life will go on. Do I want to care more about getting somewhere on time, or about how my kids feel about me when life gets tough? I know that the way I act in these situations is how they will act in those situations.

    Noise

    Peace and quiet doesn’t really exist in a house full of kids. Kids use their imaginations very loudly. My toddler imitates just about everything we say, in his adorable and LOUD voice. My baby cries when one of his brothers knocks him over by accident, or when he really doesn’t want to take a nap or be spoon-fed. My two oldest like to pretend to fight each other, but they also really just don’t get along sometimes. Expressing that frustration is very noisy and whiny.

    The only times it is really quiet are when the kids are asleep. To get some peace, sometimes as parents, we must get away – a quick trip to Wal-Mart for me, washing the car for you, an occasional date for us. You know what the funny thing is, though? After a date with my husband, or after going out on an errand without the kids, I welcome the noise with open arms. I always miss the laughter and the craziness, even after a few hours.

    Focus/Thoughts

    Ever heard of mommy brain? It’s real. Because of increased stress and lack of sleep, many times we moms are inarticulate, forget where our stuff is, forget what we are talking about while we are talking about it, forget regular vocabulary, go into a room having no idea why – wait, what am I talking about?

    Are there good things about this? Perhaps other people learn to be more patient with us? I do know I have learned to laugh at myself more. It also keeps me humble, which is always a good thing.

    Budget

    With kids come extra reasons to spend money: food, clothing, diapers, toys, school supplies, field trips, gifts for holidays and birthdays, etc., etc., etc. What might have been spent on concerts or new clothes now goes to caring for your children. Honestly, I see this as a great blessing. Having to think more about what we spend money on has helped us purge out unneeded expenses. It is also so rewarding to pay for a field trip, knowing my child will have fun and learn. Buying clothes for my kids, especially the little ones, is so enjoyable. I also love buying toys and books for my children in anticipation of their excited, lit up faces.

    Food and Entertainment

    I have noticed that the food I eat, the music I listen to, the movies and shows I watch, the books I read, the activities I do outside of the house, are so different than they used to be. When we go to restaurants as a family we make sure there is a good kids’ menu. I watch a lot of Pixar, Disney and Dreamworks. I read books with pictures far more often than I read novels. I listen to whatever my kids want to listen to over, and over, and over. My kids use my phone more than I do it seems, playing games or watching clips from “Frozen” on YouTube. When planning family activities, or family
    vacations, my husband and I focus on what our kids will enjoy.

    Do I miss my old forms of entertainment? Sometimes, but not really. A lot of the stuff I used to watch, read and listen to wasn’t uplifting, and sometimes inappropriate. As far as activities go, sometimes I do wish my husband and I could go swim with dolphins or do a romantic dinner cruise, but we know there will be a time when we can go on vacations alone. Periodically we will, but we know right now, our first priority is making sure our kids enjoy their childhood. What an amazing responsibility. It is one I hold dear.

    Pain

    There are very few times in life we voluntarily go through pain. Any woman who decides to be a mother goes through some of the most intense pain she will ever go through as she bears her children. Many mothers, including myself, keep on having kids even after going through nine months of discomfort and then intense labor/delivery pains. Some mothers also go through grave emotional stress and depression after having children.

    Do you know why we do it? I don’t know about all mothers, but as for me, as soon as I hold my baby in my arms for the first time, I forget all about the pain I just went through. I forget about everything but the overwhelming love I have for my little angel from Heaven.

    Another thing happens as we have kids. We see them go through pain – emotional and physical. When babies get hurt or are upset, what calms them down? Mommy nursing them or cuddling them. When toddlers get a booboo, what do they say through their little tears? They say, “Kiss it, Mommy.” When you kiss it, they know it is all better.

    When our older kids go through bullying, or not understanding their worth, it is up to us to stand up for them, to help them know just how precious they are.

    Enduring pain with our children helps our family grow in love. We know we can do anything as long as we have each other.

            *************************************************

    These are just a few of the major ways having kids makes life harder. I hope I convinced you that these harder things are actually for our good.

    There is so much more, though! There are so many things about parenthood that are nothing short of amazing. Let me highlight some of those!

     

    We get more excuses to act like kids.
    We come together as an extended family to celebrate our kids.
    We get to see ourselves in our kids.
    We find many more opportunities for laughter.
    We get to share our talents with our kids.
    We are surrounded by cuteness all the time.
    We get and give a lot more kisses.
    We always have great stories to tell.
    We find more reasons to be creative.
    We rejoice in our children’s accomplishments.
    We find joy in the small things.
    We get to see little imaginations at work.
    We get to make special one-on-one memories to strengthen our bonds.
    We get to see our children grow in love towards each other.
    Most importantly, we find divine purpose and ultimate joy in the journey.

     

    God, our Father, has entrusted precious little ones to our earthly care. To
    them may we teach prayer, inspire faith, live truth, and honor God. Then we
    shall have heavenly homes and forever families. For what higher gift could we
    wish? For what greater blessing could we pray? None!
    Thomas S. Monson

     

    You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.

    Neal A. Maxwell

     

    For these, and countless other reasons, my greatest joy and calling in life is being a parent. Even at the end of those days when I want to cry, I am blessed beyond compare. I really do hold tomorrow in my arms, and there is nothing more magnificent or valuable in all the world.
    boys