You know the end of the story based on the title, but let me start at the beginning: Back in October 2017, Jad and I excitedly and proudly opened our e-commerce store, PB and Apple Jelly.
We had spent tons of time and effort on it, and really loved
what we came up with. We knew something good would come of it. Once we
launched, I did the best I could to run the store with the knowledge I had, but
I knew I needed some more help to really help my store thrive.
Then in February of 2018, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to go to an elite training in Maryland with the very successful creator of ZeroUp, Fred Lam, and his associates. It was such an empowering experience and my store began to quickly excel from the knowledge I gained.
Because my store had done so well, and because I had been
such a “ninja” at my elite training, I was asked to be an elite trainer for the
October 2018 ZeroUp Elite conference. That was such an honor. I got to sit and eat with Fred Lam many
times, and I was his equal there. Can you imagine me, an equal to a
multi-millionaire??
I loved training new e-commerce store owners who were eager
to learn and succeed. At that point, my store wasn’t doing as well as it had
before, but I was still working hard on it and learned some new things at the
conference. In contrast to the conference in February where I was a student, I actually
didn’t feel as happy at this conference. I missed my family more, and I felt
like I didn’t fit in. Fred and his people had a different lifestyle that
included lots of eating and drinking at fancy restaurants and focusing on
making lots of money. Fred’s assistant and I had a good conversation one day at
lunch, though, about her wanting a baby, and that was the one time I felt like
I made an authentic connection with any of these successful people. Other than
that, I really felt like a poseur. But, I did enjoy my time training, and I was
sad to say goodbye to the students I helped.
I continued to work as hard as I could on my store, but then
in 2019, when I was super busy learning lines, music, and dance moves for my
church’s musical Seussical, I
realized that I just didn’t have the time to put my all into my business at
that time. So, I stopped doing ads, and either did less or no marketing emails.
I kept the store open, but knew I couldn’t invest the time I had previously
done.
There were many times during the beginning of 2019 and
beyond that I felt maybe it was time to close the store down. But, every time I
thought about it, like magic, I would get a really good order or two. To me, it
was a sign from God that I needed to continue. So, I did.
Later in the year, though, I decided to turn off most of my
store apps and only pay for the website monthly fee. I did try another ad once
or twice, but no matter how good I thought they were or how awesome the
products were, they surprisingly weren’t successful.
And finally, at the end of last month (January 2020), I made
the difficult decision to completely shut down my beloved PB and Apple Jelly, a
store that was built from my heart, a store that I had spent thousands of hours
building and operating. I had a month from shutting it down to make the final
decision whether or not to reopen it. I decided not to.
So, it’s gone now.
People often ask me how my store is doing, and the couple
people I have told that I shut it down have been quite surprised. They knew how passionate I was about it, how
successful it had been at one time, and how many people loved shopping on the
site, especially for clothes.
So, let me explain a little more why I came to the decision
I did:
Remember the miracles I talked about – how every time I talked about closing the store, I would get an awesome order? Well, that stopped happening.
We initially started the store to make extra income. Well, we got it for quite a while, but because of promotions at work, we no longer needed the extra income.
The store, though a very exciting endeavor for me, took up an incredible amount of time. I would wake up every morning early and work on it for a couple of hours. Then I would work on it here and there during the morning while I was with Eve. I would work super hard on it all during naptime too, and then when my boys got home from school, I would still be working. I would also work in the evenings sometimes too, which kept me from spending quality time with Jad. It was way more work than I ever anticipated – way more work than the gurus at ZeroUp said it would be. (PS – that’s the way it always is with home businesses. They always tell you that you make your own hours and work around your schedule, spending as little or as much time as you want, but that’s just not true!)
Because I spent so much time on the store, and thus energy, I would eat to curb exhaustion and to help me keep going. I’d often make myself bowls of edible cookie dough or eat a large cup or more of sugary cereal. It was bad, and definitely keeping me from losing weight.
I figured out too late that if you want to make a ton of money with an e-commerce store, you have to invest a ton of money in ads, in apps, in videos and pictures, and so much more. I didn’t have money to burn, so I couldn’t put a lot into it.
I realized from my training class and from the class I trained at, that almost nobody who takes the classes ends up being successful with e-commerce, and that frustrated me. We always had to be on top of the market, paying for more training and programs. Too many of us just couldn’t do it. We tried so hard and did what we had learned, but the money was scarce and so was time.
When I would get returns, it was hard to make that money back. I would lose all the profit, and sometimes I wouldn’t even get back the product cost because it was too hard to resell the item.
The store stopped bringing me joy. It brought me more frustration than anything towards the end. Even when I did no work on the store at all, and just let orders organically come in through google searches, it was still a lot of work to make sure all went through.
It just was no longer necessary. It had served its purpose. I learned a lot and met some cool people. But, it was keeping me from doing many things that were way more important to my life.
So what am I doing instead?
Well, I have spent quite a lot of time pondering and praying
about what is best for me to do with my time. It has been a glorious exercise,
and organically changes over time.
I have been trying very hard to focus on my
children when they are around me and not doing other projects unless absolutely
necessary.
I have been reading my scriptures and working
out every morning.
I have been writing a book, blogging more,
communicating with my extended family and friends more, doing more service,
reading more spiritual messages, and working hard on my genealogy, which has
been my favorite hobby. It brings me so much happiness!
So, looking above at what I have been doing, doesn’t that
seem so much more rewarding than stressing about an online store all day and
all evening? It is – so much more so!
I don’t feel like a failure. I know that I put my all into
my store, and it was fun and rewarding for the time it was supposed to be there.
I also truly experienced what it might be like to live life with completely
different priorities, and it solidified in me just how precious my family is,
as well as my physical and spiritual health.
If anyone reading is drowning in an endeavor that just isn’t
bearing fruit the way you hoped, please ponder and pray to see if it’s right to
continue. And don’t feel bad if it’s time to move on. I really think that we
should often ponder our lives and reprioritize what’s most important. It is
such a rewarding process.
Goodbye, PB and Apple Jelly. Thank you for the learning
experiences you provided me!
My oldest son, Casey, started high school this year. It hit me not long ago that I only have FOUR MORE YEARS with my first born – with my precious son who made me a mother.
I know that time will fly by, and it’s been hurting my heart that my time with him is so short. He’s growing into a man, and in a few short years he will have his own life without his siblings and parents.
Casey just had his first high school band concert a few days ago. I burst with pride as I watched him passionately playing his trombone. He was part of two real bands with so much talent and drive. I was and am so incredibly proud of his efforts to become a musician.
After the concert was over, I was so happy to see him (my husband and other kids had already left because it was getting late). Casey helped clean up the stage with a smile. Once he was done, we walked towards the exit doors of the auditorium, and I told Casey I wanted to take a selfie with him. He was hesitantly willing, and as we walked into the empty vestibule, I pulled out my phone for a quick photo. We posed for the selfie, both smiling, but before the camera could even flash, Casey had bolted away from the camera and out of the auditorium, clearly afraid someone would come in and see us taking the photo.
The freshly taken picture of my smiling face and a blurry image of someone fleeing the scene burned a hole in my brain, and a pain in my heart. I was crushed, and I was speechless. I felt an instant loss of joy.
As we got in the car, I expressed my sadness at him not taking the picture with me, and I started to weep, like really weep. I couldn’t talk about it, so I cried in silence.
You may think this was an overreaction on my part, but if you couple my sad realization about Casey leaving us in four years with him starting to be embarrassed of me, you may understand how this was more than my heart could bear.
We drove in awkward silence for a while, but finally I did try to talk to him more about how he hurt me. He seemed to understand, and when we dropped by a friend’s house to pick up some pallets on the way home, he rolled up his tuxedo sleeves and helped me. He wouldn’t let me do it by myself.
The rest of the way home, we were both feeling better and were able to talk about the concert as if nothing had happened. Then, when we got home, Casey made sure I didn’t unload the van by myself even though he had a lot of homework to do. He was very loving and hugged me, telling me he loved me.
That’s the son that I have always adored.
I am telling this story as a way to speak to all the teenagers out there. I won’t pretend I don’t remember what it is like to be a teen – I do. I remember wanting to fit in so much, wanting the popular kids to accept me, and I do remember sometimes being embarrassed to be around my parents.
Believe me, I remember and I understand. But, there is something so much more important than all those things. I know that now that I am a mother myself.
Mothers and fathers devote their lives to raising their children – to making sure they are healthy, happy, provided for, taught, and loved. Being a parent is a selfless job, and due to the love and service parents provide to their children every single day, they love them more than the children will ever know – at least until they also become parents.
So, my teenager friends, when you start to have that feeling that your parents are too uncool for you, or that you look uncool with them, I ask you to please reconsider your thoughts.
The truth is, your parents will always be there for you and will always love you. They support you more than any friend ever could. And to be honest, a true friend would want you to be close to your parents. It makes me sad to think that a friend would make fun of you for taking a selfie with your mom, or hugging your dad, or saying “I love you” to them both.
It hurts your parents when you push them away. See, they have rocked you to sleep, kissed your booboos, played with you to see you laugh, comforted you when you were sad, celebrated every holiday and birthday with you, and taught you how to be a good person for so long. It has brought them so much joy – you have brought them so much joy.
Continue to let them find joy in you and you in them. A parent/child bond is one that should never be compromised. It’s one of the most important relationships you will ever have. It should mirror your relationship with your Heavenly parents.
So, talk to your parents about everything, and they will listen to you. Respect how they feel about things and they will respect you. Trust them and they will trust you. Show love and help them out as they have always done for you.
As for my son: Casey, I love you. You will always be my little boy, but I also love the young man you have become, and will continue to develop into. I hope we will have a strong bond your whole life – it would make me the happiest mother in the world.
My family just did a 1-week trip to Palmyra, NY the second week of July, 2019. We experienced and learned so much, so I wanted to share some tips, suggestions, and experiences to help anyone else who wants to visit this wonderful area!
For those of you who have no idea where Palmyra, NY is, it’s in upstate New York. It doesn’t look anything like you would expect. It’s green and gorgeous, with lovely mountains and valleys, and lots of farmland. You will love driving there if you do!
So, why is Palmyra important? Well, it’s the place where the history of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints began. There are many places in and around Palmyra that members of the church hold very sacred. It is a place I highly recommend anyone visit. Now that we know where it is and why it’s significant, let’s move on to my tips, shall we?
Planning your trip: I spent countless hours planning our trip to a T. We barely followed what I planned. We did go to the places I planned, but the order in which we did everything, and the days, changed based on weather, how long we were at certain places, etc. I do recommend if you are going to the church history sites and are able to spread them out, do it, especially if you have small children. It’s nice to do the spiritual, historical things and then do something more creative or fun. All the Palmyra places are close to each other, so it’s okay if you drive a little out of the way. It does not matter which order you do the church history sites, but you will probably want to go to the Priesthood Restoration Site on your way to your trip or on the way home. The only other site outside of Palmyra is the Peter Whitmer Farm. Just go first thing in the morning and then head back to Palmyra, or wherever you want to spend the rest of your day. Do not skip ANY of the sites if you can help it. Those two sites were two of our favorites.
Driving in the car with kids: I wish I had the magic answer for this, haha! I do know the kids did best when they had movies to watch (we just brought and hooked up our laptop), books to read, and fun music to listen to. They also liked having blankets and stuffed animals with them. Bring lots of food and snacks. We often ate lunch in the car throughout the trip. The more space the kids have, generally the better. Maybe put a bag in between them. That actually helped us!
Stops along the way: If traveling from the east coast (we are in NC), great stops going up or coming back from Palmyra are Hershey, PA and Gettysburg, PA. We stopped in Hershey on the way and Gettysburg on the way back.
Hotel Recommendation: Homewood Suites by Hilton in Victor, NY. We loved it because they served breakfast each morning (with variations on the menu), and they had a social M-Th from 5-7 that worked super well as dinner. We took advantage of the social three out of four nights. They also had a pool, hot tub, nice fitness room, and more. They even have fresh cookies at the front desk every morning. It was a very clean and comfortable place in a great location in between Palmyra and Rochester. As another note, we booked our hotel in January to stay in July. Book your hotel early!
Tolls: There are tolls around that area of upstate New York. The first toll you stop at you will get a ticket. At the second, you will pay the toll. It’s cash only, but isn’t super expensive. Just have cash and change on hand.
Weather and Bugs: Definitely pack the bug spray. There are tons of mosquitoes in the summertime. We heard it would be really humid there, but honestly, it was nothing compared to NC. It was actually sometimes too chilly, so maybe pack a light jacket or sweater.
Anti-Latter-day Saint Protesters and Sites: The church history sites of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are sacred places. They are places where you will feel the Spirit of the Lord very strongly, places where you will feel peace and a tugging at your heart. You will feel of God’s love so abundantly. Unfortunately, Satan is also at work. Near or at most of the sites you will see buildings that advertise websites, exhibits or videos that are meant to pull you away from that Spirit. At the pageant, it is no different. There were a group of people with signs, and one man on a megaphone saying some very hurtful, untrue things about Latter-day Saints. My best advice is to not listen to them. They are not trying to help, but rather to hurt. If you are a member of the church, just think about how you feel when you are in these sacred places and at church. Remember God’s love for you and don’t doubt it. If you aren’t a member of our church, please try to find out for yourself if what our church claims is true. Listen to your heart, study it out, and pray. You will not find truth about our church from those who hate it, but only through the Spirit as you read the Book of Mormon, learn about Joseph Smith, and pray fervently. Truth will always be opposed, and to find truth, we need to go to the source.
This pageant is the biggest reason we went to Palmyra. The pageant ends after next year, sadly, so we highly recommend you go in 2020. It’s free, there is ample parking, and it’s right next to the Hill Cumorah Visitors Center. The stage is huge, and there really isn’t a bad seat. If you do wish to reserve a seat, you can do so from noon on. I do recommend doing it if you can, but it’s not required. Watch the weather and be prepared for rain. Bring blankets, ponchos, jackets, etc. It will not only be wet, but cold. The pageant is only canceled if there is thunder and lightning.
Here is our experience: As we walked to our seats, it was wonderful to speak to cast members before we sat down. They were all so nice. Right before the show was to begin, sadly, it started pouring down rain. It was a cold and fat rain. Luckily, we had ponchos and rain jackets. The show began anyway, and even though the weather made it a little hard to focus, it was still a beautiful production. The rain let up occasionally, but always started to pour back down after a few minutes. Just when I felt I could no longer take the cold and wet (I had given my poncho to one of my sons), the rain stopped and stayed stopped. It stopped around the time the Savior was introduced into the story. It was poignant for me. My little girl ended up next to me at one point when Jesus was on stage. I whispered to her that Jesus loves her, and not long after that, she fell asleep on me. I felt the Spirit so strongly at the pageant, especially closer to the end with Christ visiting the Americas, Moroni burying the plates, and then finally the miraculous events leading to the restoration of the gospel. Oh, it was so worth seeing. Once it was over, we followed thousands of people to the parking lot. My husband was able to help get a car out of the mud. Our hearts were full that night.
Our experience with the historical sites of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:
Priesthood Restoration Site in Oakland Township, PA (used to be called Harmony) – As we got closer to the site, and were driving along the river, My husband and I both felt such a peace. We felt that the place we would soon arrive at was a sacred place, and that miraculous events truly happened there. The whole experience was wonderful, from the video to the Visitors center, to the walk to the Hale and Smith home, to the cemetery visit where Joseph and Emma’s first sweet baby is buried, to actually being at the river near where John the Baptist appeared to Joseph and Oliver and gave them the priesthood authority to baptize. We loved our visit to this wonderful place.
The Hill Cumorah – The Visitors center was beautiful and we felt so happy there. We loved sitting in front of the Christus and hearing Christ’s words. There were so many things to read and watch there. My husband was so full of the Spirit there. He sat and contemplated alone for a bit. We then walked up to the actual hill, the Hill Cumorah, where the prophet Moroni buried the gold plates hundreds of years ago, and where he, as an angel, would show them to Joseph Smith with a sacred charge to translate them. I loved being there. We didn’t want to go down. Walking back down, we felt so much joy and peace.
Grandin Building, the Book of Mormon Publication Site – It wasn’t easy in there because nothing was really touchable, and our little ones wanted to touch everything and run around. Regardless, we gained so much appreciation for the time and care that went into publishing this sacred work. It took two years and $3000 up front to publish 5000 books. The whole process was painstaking. I think I would have lost my mind doing any one part of it. We got to take home a replica of the first 16 pages printed. One of our sons was so excited about that. I was too! We also loved seeing the gorgeous original works of art. We felt the Spirit so much.
Peter Whitmer Farm – This site is about 35 minutes from Palmyra in Waterloo. We watched a wonderful video. The kids were good the whole time and very quiet. I felt the Spirit so strongly. This farm was where Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery finished translating the plates. It’s where the three and eight witnesses were chosen. And it’s where the church was founded. The first Sacrament meeting was in the Whitmer home. It was such a beautiful and special place to be. I loved how excited one of my sons was to hold a replica of the first edition of The Book of Mormon. He wanted me.to take photos of every angle.
The Sacred Grove and Smith Family Farm – This is where the restoration all began. It wasn’t my favorite site, mostly because there was no video in the welcome center and the tour wasn’t very organized, but ultimately, it felt amazing to be able to walk into the grove where Joseph Smith as a 14-year-old boy knelt to pray vocally for the first time. He was not sure which church he should join, and somewhere in that grove of trees by his home, he was visited by two Heavenly personages, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Walking in that grove only further solidified my testimony, and that of my family. I was so proud of my boys for individually going off, finding a spot in the grove, and praying to their Heavenly Father. It was so precious, and an experience I will never forget.
Places other than the church history sites that we went to and loved:
Palmyra:
Park down the road from EB Grandin Building – I don’t know the address, but if you are walking past the Grandin building as it’s on your right, you will see a cute little park with old-fashioned play equipment. My kids had so much fun there and it was a great place to relax for a while. It was hot, but pretty shady.
Pal-Mac Aqueduct County Park –The Eerie Canal runs through it and there is a small waterfall. There isn’t much there, but the kids had a lot of fun in the open field and jumping off rocks. It was a nice place to just relax and run for a bit.
Palmyra Community Library – I am so glad I found this library! They do lots of fun activities all summer, and they also served free lunch to all children up to age 18 from 12-12:30 M-Th. We ate lunch there twice on our stay. It’s also a great library in general – it’s big and there’s a great children’s section with toys and books.
Alvin Smith’s Gravesite – Alvin Smith was Joseph Smith’s brother who died in his 25th year. It was tender to talk to the kids about how Alvin hadn’t been baptized, which worried his family, but what a blessing it was when the Lord revealed to Joseph Smith about baptisms for the dead in the house of the Lord.
Palmyra New York Temple – My husband did a session at the temple one day while the kids and I were at a storytime at the library. If you aren’t an endowed member of the church, it’s still wonderful to walk the temple grounds. It was so humbling and beautiful to think that on the Smiths’ very farmland now stands a glorious temple of the Lord. Did Joseph forsee that day? We felt so happy at the temple.
Macedon:
Long Acre Farms – This town is super close to Palmyra. It was hot and we were almost the only ones at the farm, but there is so much for kids to do, like jumping pillows, playgrounds, a huge tube to slide down, and much more. All of my kids had a blast, and it’s affordable to go there.
Rochester:
Highland Park Playground – We went here to play for a bit before going to the Strong Museum. It’s a great place to climb, practice balance, and use your imagination. We loved it.
The Strong Museum of Play – If you are ever in upstate NY, and have kids, you must take them here. We were there for a super long time and barely got through the whole thing. It’s probably the coolest, most fun museum we have ever been to in our lives. All of my kids found things they loved. My husband and I also had a blast. Little tip- if you spend $20 on tokens to play in the arcade, you will be able to play 100 games. That was a great deal, lol. It was so cool to see how toys have changed throughout time. Talk about nostalgia. I loved every second there. They also have a great food court, as well as a Bill Gray’s, a gift shop (don’t bother shopping there as it’s way pricey), and a carousel.
Seabreeze Amusement Park – The park is an amusement park and water park. It hosts the oldest running roller coaster in the US, the Jack Rabbit. It was cool to ride it. The park isn’t huge, but we were there from 11-6:30 anyway. It was almost too chilly for the water park, but we managed. Maybe try going on a hotter, or at least sunny day. We went on a cloudy day – hint, even if it’s super cloudy, wear sunscreen. The price was pretty affordable – get your tickets online for a discount.
Ontario Beach Park – This was not like beaches we usually swim at because it was a lake rather than an ocean, but I loved it because the water was calm, the sand was soft, the only things we saw in the water were algae and rocks, and it doesn’t get deep quickly. It was great for all my kids. The water was a little chilly, but we got used to it. The bathrooms were gross and there was lots of bad language and some making out seen, but overall, we loved being there. Sometimes they do outdoor concerts. They also have a huge pier you can walk on, a carousel, and a playground. It’s free to park and swim. They also have lifeguards on site.
Must-Visit Restaurants:
Palmyra – Chill and Grill – This is a small restaurant with hamburgers, hot dogs, junk plates, and lots of awesome ice cream flavors. It was pricey, but really good. In case you didn’t know (I didn’t), NY has something called a garbage plate, or junk plate, or great plate. It usually includes a layer of baked beans and mac (macaroni) salad on the bottom, and is topped with two cheeseburgers, hamburgers, or hot dogs (or a combination of any). It also has lots of toppings and condiments. You can customize to your liking. It sounds gross, but I loved it. One junk plate here fed my husband and I very well. This restaurant is very close to the Grandin Building, Pal-Mac County Park, and the Palmyra County Library.
Rochester – Bill Gray’s – This restaurant is right behind Seabreeze, so is a perfect place to eat dinner after you leave. It was delicious! They have a large menu, and also a kids’ menu. I got my second junk plate here (they call it a great plate). They also had Abbott’s Frozen Custard, which was so silky, creamy, and downright fabulous! We all left with full, happy bellies!
Gift Shop Ideas:
Palmyra – Latter-Day Harvest – We didn’t get a chance to go in because their hours were limited, but it is right by the Grandin building and sells wonderful gifts and things to help you remember the spiritual history of Palmyra. They also have a website – oldnauvoo.com.
Rochester – Simply New York Marketplace & Gifts – This store was very clean and well-organized. The lady working was super friendly and patient with my kids. The store has tons of things made in NY, and everything is made in the USA. Some things are pricey and other things are more affordable. It’s a great place to shop if you want to bring a little bit of NY home with you. It’s right down the road from Seabreeze.
Places we considered going but didn’t go to, but are still awesome:
Niagara Falls – We didn’t go because we don’t have passports and the Canada side is much better. Also, we wanted to stay close to where we stayed. Finally, it didn’t seem to be a good activity for our toddler.
Watkins Glen Park – It looked so lovely, but we didn’t go because we felt the hike would be too hard for our toddler, and it wasn’t really close enough to go to, or on our way to anything else.
Genesee Country Village & Museum –It looked really fun and interesting, but it was pricey, was a little out of the way of where we were, and we were already doing a ton of history stuff. My kids weren’t super interested.
George Eastman Museum – This looked like a really interesting and lovely museum, but it didn’t seem very kid-friendly, at least not for littles.
Rochester Museum and Science Center – Due to time, it was either go to this or the Strong Museum of Play, and the Strong Museum looked way cooler to us.
Chimney Bluffs State Park – This looked like an amazing landscape, but the kids weren’t super interested.
Pittsford Farms Dairy – It looked like a fabulous ice cream place, but since we found Abbott’s, we didn’t feel we needed to go. We also didn’t do anything else in Pittsford.
Six Flags Darien Lake – Of course this would be a fabulous park, but we almost felt it would be too big, and thus too hard, to keep up with all of our kids there. It was also out of the way and pricey.
Roseland Water Park – We had to decide between this and Seabreeze. Because some of us really preferred roller coasters and non-water rides, we chose Seabreeze. Roseland would be better on a hot, sunny day when all you want to do is water rides.
Historic Palmyra – These are five museums showing Palmyra history. Because we were already going to so many historical sites, we decided not to go. The price is really good, though!
Nick Tahou Hots – This is the home of the garbage plate. We didn’t go, though, because the reviews weren’t super good, and we were able to get the same thing at other restaurants.
Wegmans – Apparently this is the best grocery store ever. We passed one but never had time to go in one. We did see a play one at the Strong Museum, though!
Dinosaur Barbeque – This restaurant came highly recommended. It looks fabulous for people who love barbeque, ribs, wings etc. It didn’t look so appetizing for the kids, and was pretty expensive, though.
There is so much to do in this area, and that’s not even most of it – these are just the places I was most interested in! There is something for everyone.
As you can see, this was a full trip. We came home better people with stronger testimonies of Christ. We will truly miss upstate New York. It changed us and filled our hearts with joy!
Tears are streaming down my face. I haven’t blogged in quite some time due to having no time, but I have felt that I needed to write a little about President Thomas S. Monson. He was the beloved President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for nearly 10 years, until his spirit left his body on January 2, 2018.
I am crying because I just watched a short clip about him and his life. I loved this man. I never met him, but I loved him. I loved his example, his teachings, his amazing stories, and his loving and fun personality. He lit up every room and brought a smile to anyone around him.
Watch the video and read more about him so you can feel his love surrounding you. I truly believe that he loved all of God’s children, whether he met them or not, because he truly loved God.
By now, most people have heard that the New York Times obituary for President Monson was very unkind and disrespectful. It did not emulate who he was at all, and members of the LDS faith have been very saddened and upset by this display. Many have signed a petition for an apology to be written – I have also signed it.
But, something I want to say is that no matter what a journalist at the NYT thinks, no matter what anyone who reads that obituary thinks, it doesn’t change who this great man was. It doesn’t change the love that his friends, family, and church family feel for him. It does not change the fact that He was a humble, devoted, ever-faithful servant to His Heavenly Father and to His Savior, Jesus Christ. And it certainly does not change or affect his eternal destiny in any way.
Our beloved President Monson has been reunited with his beloved Frances. He is continuing his work on the other side, and he is happy.
I don’t believe that President Monson would want us to vilify this journalist, either. He would instead offer us this gentle reminder:
Those of us who love him don’t have to worry. The Lord’s church will continue to roll forth, despite misconception, hate and lies. The Lord has already won, and we must remember what our Savior said in the Sermon on the Mount:
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matt. 5:10.)
It will be alright. I know it will. I know that as members of our faith truly live as Christ lived – humbly and obediently with love, mercy, compassion and forgiveness, that the true nature of our religion and those good men who lead and guide our church, will be brought forth to those who are searching and willing to hear.
Take this example of President Monson and apply it to your own life. People may think unkind things of you. They may even persecute you, but always remember that God loves you no matter what. Remember that you have nobody to answer to except Him. You are a Child of God with individual worth, and a divine destiny to fulfil. Nobody you know, or don’t know, can take that away from you, even if they are powerful members of society.
Thomas S. Monson’s legacy will live on, and his life will continue to touch others for many years to come. I pray that I can be half the person that he was, and still is.
The last message he was able to give to the people of the church and the world was this:
My family has always studied the Book of Mormon each night, but since April 2017, we have begun our study with a prayer. We know it has blessed our family, and we will continue to do it forever.
I love and sustain those that the Lord calls to lead and guide His church, and I will strive to emulate their example. I will not let negativity take away the joy and peace I feel at President Monson’s memory, or anyone else who I revere.
God be with you ’til we meet again, dear President Monson!
I think I am a “too much on my plate” kind of person. Is that crazy to say?
I have been thinking about it, and even though people I care about tell me I do too much and need to slow down, I just can’t imagine myself ever doing that. I love to be busy, and I love to accomplish things. I love to help others, and I love to use my talents.
If I have a prompting to bring someone a meal or to call someone, I do it. If someone asks me to help with something, I do it. If I have my own idea of something that would be fun or rewarding to do, I do it. If I feel bad that I haven’t done enough for someone or something, I do more.
Why I am like that, I do not know. Sometimes I wish I weren’t like that because I am so stressed and tired so much of the time. When I am those things, I get more emotional too.
But, I really think that God made me that way, to be someone who can persist, work hard, think on her feet, and go, go, go. I see it as a strength more than a weakness, even though it is really hard sometimes.
I think of what I have chosen to put in my life beyond the obvious (husband, kids, friends, faith), and I can’t think of much I would want to take out. Singing in church choir, singing in Messiah in Mebane, babysitting or bringing meals to others, spending time with friends who need someone to talk to, directing a Christmas pageant, owning and operating a business, volunteering to speak and do a musical number at another church – these are things I wouldn’t go back and change or take out of my life. I see so many blessings from singing praises, doing service, and using the talents God has given me.
I like to bring people together. I like to see people smile. I like to help others see their worth. I like to work to be better than who I am now.
Jad and I were sitting in the backyard last night drinking cocoa and watching the fire crackling, and I said, “Maybe our lives are supposed to be full of sacrifices to appreciate all that God has done for us.” Jad is just as busy as I am – we are both so busy, and we are trying to also spend as much time as we can with our kids and each other, keeping our eye on what matters most. That is hard in itself, but as we read scriptures as a family last night, we talked about how if we remember why we are on earth, and make our choices to help us be worthy to meet God again, we will be doing everything we should be.
We aren’t perfect. Life is really hard, but I think that Jad and I are a great match of two people who add a lot to our plates, not so we can hoard all the goodness, but so we can share that goodness with others.
We want to help anyone who needs it however we can. We feel called to do that. And we will do our very best each time.
With all that being said, though, how do we get rid of the feelings of being insanely busy, too busy for a good night’s rest, too busy to keep a clean house, too busy to truly relax?
Well, there must be things we can remove from our lives to help. The thought occurred to me that I can cut down on social media. That will help me pay closer attention to what is going on around me, and keep my mind clear. I deleted myself from some Facebook groups, that though they are well-meaning, take up way too much of my time.
And then the other thought I had was to have weekly date nights with Jad. We are going to try to plan that somehow. We know that to feel better about our busy lives, we need more quality time together where we can really be ourselves and not worry about anything.
So, we will probably make these small changes and that’s it! We feel that being super busy all the time is just our life. What we can change is how we handle it.
Honestly, being busy is probably most people’s life, and it is hard for all of us! What is important to us will look different, just as what causes us stress will look different. Perhaps the best thing we can do is figure out if we are at a good busy, or just a busy for busyness’s sake busy, or a bad busy, and then make adjustments accordingly amidst sincere personal reflection. Sometimes that does mean removing a significant amount of things out of our lives or just learning to say “no.”
I know that my family and God should be my top priorities, and if I do my best to serve my family, God, and His children, then He will help me endure all that I must go through in this life, whether it is a little stress or a heartbreaking trial.
God gave us all gifts and talents for a reason, gifts that will bless those around us. We meet people for a reason. We are in the places we are at the time we are for a reason. Let’s focus on the reason, and our full plate will surely become a great blessing in our lives!
About a month ago, Jad approached me with an idea. He was really excited about this idea, and had spent a lot of time thinking about it, researching it, and watching sales pitches on it. After all this, and praying about it, he felt he should involve me in the idea.
I admit that at first I was hurt that he hadn’t involved me earlier, but it was just his style to study it out before wasting my time. Anyway, after he started showing me some things, I slowly started warming up to the idea. And before we knew it, it was a month later.
This past month has involved hours of training videos, hours of brainstorming, and hours of building up this idea. Many more hours have been spent editing, with more and more ideas flowing forth each day.
What am I talking about? I am talking about a new business – an online store.
It may not sound that exciting at first, but when you think about the fact that Jad and I CREATED it ourselves – that we spent so much time carefully choosing a website name, crafting a logo, finding our passion, and finding our why for it all, it really is.
Jad has been the graphic designer for our site (i.e. logo, slides, business cards, etc.), and has been more of a behind-the-scenes player, while I have been the one crafting all the verbiage, setting up our email and social media pages, building the store, adding the products, editing everything, etc. It may look like I have done more, but Jad was a rock star at picking up the slack around the house – taking the kids to dance, cleaning, cooking, etc. I couldn’t have done any of it without him.
It has been a labor of love – a very stressful labor of love. Our free time the last month has been mostly devoted to the store, especially in the last two weeks. I have sat at the computer until I thought my eyes would burn, but today, we can both truly say that we are proud of what we have built. We are at peace, and we are excited. It will be hard work, but it will also be fun and beneficial.
When we were thinking of what were passionate about, we realized that FAMILY is our passion. We know that family should bring us incomprehensible joy, but also recognize that that joy can be overshadowed by heavy stress and messes. So, our site was built with families in mind. We truly want to provide items that will make YOUR life easier, more comfortable, more convenient, and more enjoyable, so you can spend more time on what matters most with WHO matters most.
Our website name is PB and Apple Jelly. Some of you will get the Apple Jelly part of it, but for those of you who don’t know, when Jad and I got married, a friend I worked with said that my new last name (Al-Bjaly), sounded like Apple Jelly. I never forgot that, and have had an email address for years with the prefix mrsapplejelly. It has become kind of our trademark. And then we thought about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. What are they like? Well, they are a sweet, easy, convenient, comfort food that brings a smile to those who enjoy them. We thought it would make a good logo. What do you think?
We recognize that we don’t know everything about what makes a family’s life easier, more comfortable, etc., so we are ALWAYS willing to hear your ideas. We would love to have them. Email us any time at support@pbandapplejelly.com, and we will do our very best to add your suggestions to our site. We will even recognize you for it!
So, this is our new adventure. We are business owners. It is a passion Jad has always had, and something that I have tried before, but haven’t felt nearly as passionate about as I do now. This time it is OUR business that WE created TOGETHER.
Our website is www.pbandapplejelly.com. Please visit it and give us your feedback. Buy something if you like! We want to hear what your favorite products are.
Also, we are going to be doing contests on our Instagram and Facebook pages for the rest of this week, and would love it if you would drop by! We will be doing promotions often, as well as adding new products, and really, just being there to share about our life, and hear about yours. I hope we get to know each other better through this avenue.
Thank you for any and all support you are willing to give us as we are just starting out, and over the years. A small business is nothing without its valued customers, and we promise to always treat you well!
*Update: Jad and I made a video on 10/5/17 to highlight what we do to show true service and loyalty to our customers:
A little over a month ago, we went on a little family vacation to Williamsburg, VA. We had a lot of fun, as we always do, but what will be most memorable to me this time, are the tender mercies of the Lord that we saw all throughout our trip.
In case you don’t know what tender mercies are, Elder David A. Bednar, one of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, defined them as thus:
“…the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.”
As I read that definition, tears came to my eyes at the love that my Savior has for my family and me. Some things just aren’t coincidences. Let me speak to you about some of the tender mercies we felt strongly on our last vacation:
Friday, March 31
Tire – One day before we left on vacation, Jad went to Sheetz to fill up the van tires with air. One of the tires was low on pressure. It was 7pm, and he was wondering if there was still time to get the tire checked out. He had a feeling something might happen. It was too late to take the van anywhere, but Jad made sure the spare tire was full of air. The next day, Jad had a feeling before we got to Virginia that something was going to happen with the car – it had been running a little weird. When we got to a toll near Richmond, Jad had a sudden feeling that the tire would soon blow up. He drove slowly after the toll. Not even a minute after that, the left rear tire blew up. We were about 100 feet from a bridge. Jad drove slowly under the bridge and stopped. It was pouring down rain, so he was able to stay dry while putting the spare tire on. While we were stopped, I was able to nurse Eve in just the right amount of time. And we were actually quite close to a Sam’s Club, where we were able to get all of the tires replaced for a good price. We had lunch, looked around, and got some books, etc. with a gift card we got as a deal for replacing all four tires. We were at Sam’s for a long time, but everything worked out.
Bounce House – There is a fun bounce house place in Williamsburg. The kids were having a blast. We had brought the baby carrier in to make it easier to carry Eve around. Jad volunteered to carry her around. At one point, he went to sit down in a plastic reclining chair. The chair must have had a crack in it, because he suddenly crashed to the ground with Eve. She cried out of fear, but was she was okay! Thank goodness she was strapped to her dad, or else who knows what could have happened.
Saturday, April 1
Deal – This was the day we went to Busch Gardens. We knew before we went to Williamsburg that we wanted to go to Busch Gardens, but because of price, I knew we needed to find a good deal. I looked for quite some time before our trip. At one point, there was a $20 off coupon per person online. I tried to get tickets that way, but the transaction didn’t go through. I am glad it didn’t, because a couple days later, a 50% off Groupon appeared!
Traffic – That morning was a slow morning, and we ended up leaving the resort later than we needed to. To add to that, there was awful traffic getting in. We waited for about 30 minutes to get into the park. Because we were going so slow, though, I was able to nurse Eve. We also scored free parking, which normally costs $15 (everyone got it to speed up entrance into the park). We were meeting my cousins there. I had been stressed out because they had gotten to the park way before us. We were quite surprised when we ended up parking at the same time in the same parking lot just a few rows from each other.
We were so happy to have them with us, and even though there was a ton of traffic going in, overall, the lines and crowds were not bad, and we had a great day!
The right place at the right time – Because of where we parked, we ended up on a different side of the park than usual. This ended up working perfectly, for when it was dark, we ended up at Sesame Street, where the kids were able to ride some of their favorite rides over and over again without lines.
Sunday, April 2
Nap – We missed the LDS General Conference sessions the day before, so were really happy to be able to watch the sessions this day. I was a little worried about watching conference with four kids, including a baby. Well, though Eve hardly ever naps, she actually napped all through the first session of conference. As a bonus, the boys were actually pretty good during both sessions.
Monday, April 3
Meeting someone new – Monday morning we went to eat at a restaurant for breakfast. I had chosen it based on reviews and location. Interestingly, we ended up being seated next to an LDS family. We could tell because the dad was wearing a BYU shirt. Of course, we had to ask if they were Mormon, and of course they were. We promptly started talking. We found out that they were from Wyoming, and also that they knew the family that were the main characters of The Cokeville Miracle, a movie Jad and I watched just the night before. “That’s just too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence (a popular line from the movie, and so true in this experience).” We had a great conversation with them and were so happy we got to meet them. Imagine if we had gone to a different restaurant or had come at a different time. Some things are meant to be.
Even though I had very little time to plan this trip, it turned out great and we did everything we had wanted to do. That was a first for us.
I hope you can see some of these experiences as true tender mercies. I know for sure that they were, and Jad agrees with me whole-heartedly. I know God loves His children, and I know that He cares about our joys and safety, even in the smallest of ways. I am grateful we had these marvelous experiences all in a row on this trip to Williamsburg!
**Looks like I started this 7 years ago on January 9, 2017 and never finished it. Pushed publish by accident, and here we are! Sorry for any confusion haha!
Our area of North Carolina got several inches of snow and ice this past Friday. Even three days later, it is still here preventing most from safely traveling outside their homes.
You would think that being snowed in would get boring and annoying, and for many it probably does get that way. For us, it has been an opportunity to spend more time as a family, have fun in weather we don’t get often, hang out with neighbors, and most importantly, talk, learn and teach together.
Our family attends church every Sunday, unless we are sick, have a baby, or are snowed in. Our meetings were canceled Sunday due to the hazardous road conditions. Keeping the Sabbath Day holy is important to us, so we wanted to do something that resembled a Sacrament Meeting.
That particular Sunday would have been a Fast and Testimony meeting. We didn’t fast, but did decide to bear our testimonies to each other.
We began with a song and prayer, and then Jad began by sharing his testimony. All of us shared, except for Eve and Kamren (he wasn’t too interested – maybe next time). It was a very sweet experience to hear what we truly believe in our hearts to be true about the gospel, Jesus Christ, eternal families, the scriptures, prayer and more. I really felt the Spirit when we all spoke. It was extra special because it was the first time Rigel had ever shared his beliefs. We may think our children don’t listen to us, or hear what is being taught at church, but they do. That was clear when Rigel talked about how he knew the church was true and that the scriptures were true. He shared his love for his family too, which in our church, is so essential to joy in this life and in the next.
For about 11 years I have wanted to name my first baby girl Raina after a beautiful 3-year-old girl I watched at my daycare job. Well, once I found out I was having a girl this pregnancy, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I wanted to make sure that Raina was the right name, so I went through hundreds of names as I usually do. Jad and I discussed them, and he didn’t like most of the names, not even the Arabic ones. I was shocked he had an opinion since he hadn’t had one with the boys. So, we kept looking and looking. We thought about Rose (or a name with Rose in it), a name with Belle/Bella in it, and more lovely names like Ariana, Ella, Ava, Adaline, and Alayna. Jad loved Rosalina, but I thought it was too long. We went back to Raina at one point and felt pretty good about it, until people at work started using it and Jad decided he didn’t like it. So, back to looking at the long list of maybes. My mom kept telling us names she liked, and one day she said she loved Evey. I liked it, but Jad wasn’t sure. Then we got a 4D ultrasound done for our baby girl on October 18.
As I looked at her pictures over and over, I knew she was someone special and needed a really lovely name. I thought of the most beautiful and important names of all time, and my mind went to the Bible. We had already said we liked Esther, but then Eve came to mind. I instantly loved it. Jad wasn’t so sure, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The 23rd at my mom’s house, I told her that we were strongly considering Eve. She was ecstatic. Jad still wasn’t sure, but on the way home we asked the kids if they liked the name Eve. Rigel had been wanting to call her Rose, and Casey loved Ella, but when we told them about why we wanted to name her Eve, they got really excited, and we knew she would become Eve Marie Al-Bjaly.
Let me tell you her story…
My due date for my fourth child: December 2, 2016
My actual delivery date of my fourth child: October 26, 2016 at 10:10PM.
Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born at 34 weeks 5 days gestation at UNC Hospital via induced vaginal delivery. She was a tiny 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches long.
All during my pregnancy, I had a small worry at the back of my mind that my baby girl would be born quite suddenly, just like Kamren was. His labor was around 20 minutes or so – how long would hers be?
Then there was the concern about Thanksgiving – could we have it? What if I had the baby right around then? Because of that, we decided as a family to cancel the holiday this year.
My pregnancy had been very normal the whole time, but then at my October 5 midwife appointment, I had very high blood pressure. I was told we needed to keep an eye on it, and then October 19, I had high blood pressure again. That time, I was told that I may have gestational hypertension and that I needed to go to UNC Hospital that day to get monitored. I was surprised because I have never had that problem before. I had to call Jad and ask him to leave work and get Kamren. After a quick lunch at Harris Teeter, I drove myself to UNC Hospital for the first time. I admit I was a little worried.
I thought I would be seen right away when I got to the hospital, but there were no rooms. I had to sit in the waiting room for quite some time. I was happy to have met another pregnant woman that day who I could talk to. She was there for pre-op for a c-section the next day. She was so nice, and we had a great conversation. She put me at ease. Finally, I was taken back. I honestly don’t remember much, just that I was told I do in fact have gestational hypertension and that I would be induced three weeks early. I got really no explanation of how they figured out I had that and why I had to be induced, but I just accepted it. The only silver lining to that day was I met a really nice woman named Karen who was in charge of a study for preeclamptic pregnant women – a study trying to find a blood test to figure out if a woman has preeclampsia. I got a $25 gift card before I left that day just for giving a little blood.
The following day I had to get an ultrasound at the hospital to check on the baby. She was totally healthy, which made me happy. So, I tried to prepare myself to have a baby early. Some friends told me I should question that, and I was prepared to. But then, October 25, at my appointment to plan my care leading up to the induction, my blood pressure was crazy high again.
An OBGYN came into my room, shook my hand, and basically looked at me in the eyes and told me I needed to go to Labor and Delivery right away. She didn’t clarify, and I immediately assumed I had to have an emergency induction. I cried out, “What? But she’s too tiny!”
I immediately started to cry and get really worried. She explained I would have to be monitored at the hospital, likely for 24 hours, and then a final determination would be made. I calmed down a little, and said I would need to make some phone calls and figure all this out. She told me I had to stay in the office (a monitored location) to make those arrangements, and then I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
The phone call I made to Jad wasn’t easy. I told him I needed him to leave work early and take care of the kids – that I may not be coming home that day – that I may be having a baby. My voice was quiet and weak, and Jad was worried. He talked to his boss, and then left work to take over with the kids for me.
I walked slowly to the car, shaken up. Could I even get myself there? As I sat down in the drivers’ seat, I burst into tears and sobbed. I prayed and I probably hyperventilated a little. The unknown had never been scarier.
This time when I checked myself into the hospital, they had a triage room ready for me. I got into a gown, and was hooked up to the blood pressure machine. As I was lying on the bed in a moment alone, the tears started streaming down my face again. I was scared and worried about my baby girl. Just when I felt the tears would never stop, a soft but steady movement started in my tummy. My baby had woken up, and it was as if she was telling me that everything would be okay. I immediately felt that she was trying to comfort me, and that I could stop crying. I know that her moving for that long period of time was just for me. The thought occurred to me that she was acting as if she were my mother. Mothers comfort, and she was doing that for me. At that moment, her name was confirmed to me: her name really would be Eve.
I had to get back to reality as nurses came in and out. My blood pressure was taken over and over. I was in that room for hours, and had nothing to do but flip the channels. I hadn’t eaten at all since 7:30AM, and got really hungry. Jad came to see me, and I finally got food after he left again.
My blood pressure wasn’t going down, so they decided I needed to stay in the hospital overnight. I was to start a 24-hour urine collection. I would give blood a few times, and my blood pressure would continue to be taken. I would also be given a steroid shot that day and the following day to help my baby’s lungs develop should I need to deliver her. I had to start making arrangements for my kids. Jad came to me that evening and brought me an overnight bag. After a little visit, I found company with the cast of Into the Woods on the TV.
The next day, as my pee bucket got fuller, and my blood pressure stayed high, I could feel it in my heart that I wasn’t going to be sent home. What would it help to send me home? My blood pressure would still be high, and who knows what could happen? What if I developed preeclampsia?
I finally just confronted the issue with the nurses. I was up front and said I wanted to know the truth. They said they would ask for me, and they agreed with my logic. Well, not a few minutes later, an OBGYN came to speak with me to address that very thing. She basically told me that it was time for me to have a baby. She said I did in fact have preeclampsia, even though I had no other symptoms, and that it is safer for the baby to be born than remain in the womb with a placenta not doing its job.
When she said that, I felt a little nervousness, but overall peace. I asked how much time I had to make phone calls and prepare. The doctor said they would start preparing a room for me, but that I had time. I called Jad and my mom. I wasn’t surprised that Jad wanted to finish a few things at work and make sure it was okay for him to leave. I gave him the job of packing some stuff for me at home, and reassured him we had some time. My mom wanted to come right away to be with me – that is just her personality, and I love her for it.
Well, she got there, and it turned out I had to wait a long time to move up to a room, even though I packed quickly and was told it was going to be much quicker. I called Jad and told him about the delay, and he decided he wanted to clean out the van really well before he came to prepare for our baby girl.
Finally, I got to go to a room and change into a gown. When Jad got there, he brought me lots of bags, and even rolled in the stroller. That was kind of funny to me, as I knew that Eve would not be coming home right away.
I really don’t remember a lot about the details of my labor. There was no clock in the room, oddly enough, so I don’t know when I was induced or how long the labor was. I believe I was induced sometime between 2:30 and 3:30PM, but I am not sure.
Some details of note are that I was given my second steroid shot and given continuous doses of magnesium to prevent seizures. The nurse recommended I have an epidural due to my blood pressure. I didn’t contest, though I was a little sad thinking of how my plans for a natural birth were no longer possible. I asked for the epidural before my pain got bad (around 4PM), and when the team came in, I jokingly asked if it would hurt like crap, knowing full well how much it hurts. They said it wouldn’t hurt badly, and I was surprised, though quickly realized they were lying as they pushed and fiddled around inside my back over and over trying to find the right spot. It was excruciating, but it did work, thankfully.
My sister-in-law, Laura, surprised me by coming to visit me in the hospital. I was so grateful to have her, my mom, and Jad there with me. It was pleasant just talking together.
The labor was steady and there were no issues. We were a little impatient, though, as the hours went on. Finally, my mom and Laura left to go home to their families, not long before 8PM.
By that time I was 4 CM dilated and 50% effaced. When they finally broke my water, hardly anything came out, but I knew she would come soon. I wasn’t scared, but excited instead. I could hear the stark contrast between this labor and Kamren’s. With Kamren, I was screaming bloody murder: “My baby, my baby!” With this delivery, I was excitedly exclaiming, “My baby is coming! She’s coming!” I had such joy, and no fear, even though she was going to be a premature baby.
Well, she came out after a few pushes, and after Jad cut the cord, she was put on my body for a few seconds and then taken from me to be examined. I couldn’t even see her the first time because they didn’t put her up high enough.
My first picture with Eve
https://youtu.be/ES4aT2QEkoQ
Put me back in!
Once they wiped her off, I got to hold her skin to skin for a few moments. The first thing I noticed was her long, slender fingers. I loved them, and her instantly.
Our first picture as a family
I wanted to snuggle with her forever, but she had to be taken. She did start to nuzzle my neck a little, so the crew in the room said I should try to nurse her. It was so hard. She was so small, and I was afraid of hurting her. She didn’t know how to suck, but at least we tried, and I got to hold her a little longer.
And then she was gone. I couldn’t be with her for 24 hours because I would continue to have the magnesium pumped into my body. I sent Jad after her, and he got to witness her first feeding, and adore her in the NICU.
https://youtu.be/nA8RqlRlEMQ
https://youtu.be/s406plgb244
The next day for me (Oct 27) was sleeping, attempting to express (with a nurse’s help) and pump, and trying to catch up on text messages and Facebook comments from friends. It was so hard to function because of the magnesium. I would get small spurts of energy throughout the day, and then suddenly feel nearly dead with exhaustion. I looked forward all day and night to get off that magnesium so I could eat, get out of that bed, and see my baby girl.
At least Jad got to visit with her. He even did a Skype call with me so I could see Eve: I couldn’t keep from crying tears of joy looking at her and talking to her peaceful, sleeping face. Oh, I can’t wait to snuggle her again.
Most of that day was very boring, but at least I got to see my beautiful sons. They were a little weirded out that I couldn’t cuddle them or get out of bed. I felt so bad, and was worried about Kamren especially, since until a day before, he had been my baby. They were so excited to meet their sister that night, though!
They took me off the magnesium about 9PM. All my tubes were removed, and I ordered a huge meal. I have never eaten faster – it had been 33 hours since I had last eaten. Standing up and moving around wasn’t so easy. My legs were literally like limp noodles. I had to have help going to the bathroom, and getting into my wheelchair. I didn’t let that stop me from seeing my baby, though. My nurse wheeled me to the NICU to see Eve before taking me to my new room.
She was so precious. The love I felt for her was indescribable. I watched her, and then held her, cuddled her, and tried to nurse her. She couldn’t nurse, so I just snuggled her some more. I didn’t want to leave her ever again, but I had to. Up to my new room I went to rest, and regain leg strength. Once I got my legs back, nothing could stop me from going to my baby as much as possible (every three hours to be exact).
On October 28 I wrote: I got to see my sweet baby a couple times late last night, once around 11 and the next time a little after 2. Both times we snuggled and tried latching/nursing. It wasn’t easy, and we tried different things so she could still eat and also be with me, and by the end of the second time, she was already latching on me as a pacifier. She cried unless she was with me. I see that as a great sign! I got a little sleep, am much steadier on my noodle feet than last night, and have the energy to get clean, eat, and spend as much time with Eve as possible today. Gosh, she is gorgeous and precious, and so full of personality.
Most of that day Eve was really sleepy and tube fed. I knew that she couldn’t go home until she was feeding via bottle or breast all the time, so that was a little disheartening. At least she was healthy otherwise with her temperature regulation and blood sugar. And I got to do a kangaroo hold with her – so special!
It was so helpful to my spirit having family visit me and Eve in the hospital those first couple days – Jad’s uncle Hani, my Nana, my sister, my mom, Jad’s brother, Tawfeeq, and his wife Aundrea and their son, Landon…I really appreciated their love and gifts.
Oct 29 started out well as I got back to my girl: I took one break from sweet Eve in the middle of the night to sleep, but sleep was so hard for me. When I went down at 5, I found out she had been fussy off and on since about 12:30am. I felt bad that I had missed her and she had missed me. But, with that came a lovely session of stares, lots of kisses, and even some good nursing, once we figured it out together. Then, oh, sweet snuggles commenced. I love my girl!
Overall, that day was really hard on me. It was the day of my discharge. Let me explain with a post I wrote the next morning: I must admit that yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was supposed to be discharged, but found myself waiting in vain nearly all day into the late afternoon. I was all alone in the hospital without my family, and the only solace came when I was with my sweet baby. My family finally came to get me not long before dinner time. I got to hug them all quickly, and then Jad brought each kid down to see Eve for a few minutes, I got to take the boys to the snack room for ice cream and juice, and that was the most fun I had had all day, haha. Finally, it was time to get the car and take all of our stuff down to check out of the hospital. Imagine packing up your car with all kinds of baby stuff, and not being able to put the baby in the car with you. Imagine having spent all your time for five days in the hospital, not being able to think of anything but having and taking care of a baby, and then knowing that your future is uncertain. When I got in the car, and we headed to the Ronald McDonald House, I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same place as anyone I loved. We got there quickly, though it felt like an eternity. I had to dry my tears. Well, after paperwork and a tour, I was check into my new “home.” The boys and Jad had been eating tacos and playing while waiting for me. I could tell they were all irritable and struggling with the unknown too. The kids just wanted some normalcy and fun, like they are used to. As we drove home for me to simply pack and come right back, I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming. I am glad we had tissues, because I used so many of them. My throat, by the time we got home, felt like a cat had clawed at it. I just couldn’t function. I was so overwhelmed and sad. I needed time with my husband and kids, but barely got to spend any time with them at all. I didn’t know how much to pack to take to the RMH – how long will I be there? What will happen with Eve? Will my kids and husband be okay without me? I know that Jad has been working so hard while I have been gone since last Tuesday, and my family and friends have also stepped up graciously. When I walked into the house for that little time, I noticed how clean the house was, and how much care Jad had put into getting it ready for Eve. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been able to help at all in days, and I could tell how much my family needed me. After I packed, my boys were so sweet to say they loved me and give me hugs and kisses. Casey and Jad carefully put my stuff in the car, and Jad even had a couple falafel sandwiches ready for me to eat, since I had missed dinner. A couple kisses later, and I was on my way back to Chapel Hill. My exhaustion was strong, but I made it. Bringing everything in, and unpacking took me quite some time, but calmed me. I felt love for my husband as I saw how much food he carefully packed for me. I was happy to see a Bojangles biscuit and boberry biscuit in there. It was comforting to eat those before I went up to my room, unpacked, read my scriptures, pumped, and got a little sleep. I got up quite early to pump again and get ready to see my baby. I can’t express how inadequate I feel, but at the same time, I feel like I am being blessed with drive and energy, and hope. I am filled with love for my baby girl, and I yearn for when we can all be together. I am so grateful my baby will be okay, and that we are a family of six now. Life will be normal before we know it – for now it is just really hard. I appreciate the continued love and prayers. I really do.
I was in tears when I wrote all that. The only real joy I had was in being with my precious Eve. She got a real crib on the night of the 29th, and just seeing her sweet face and holding her hand helped me get through the pain.
I realized later on the 30th what therapy I really needed as my husband came to visit: I cannot even tell you how therapeutic it was for Jad to come visit Eve and me today. We spent several hours together. It was our first time bonding we three. And I didn’t realize the sad fact Jad hadn’t held her since the night she was born. They are such a pair. She stayed awake for quite some time staring at her daddy.
(He would start coming to see Eve every day after that. Taking care of the kids and doing all the chores was hard on Jad, not to mention the cleaning and projects he was trying to do to prepare for our sweet girl to come home.)
Before I went to bed super late that night I wrote this:
Most cherished moments of today: spending time with Daddy
Funniest moment of the day: Eve pooping five incredibly smelly poops in about 30 minutes
Proudest moment of the day: this morning when my milk came in! It is going strong.
Warmest moment of the day (literally and figuratively): when Eve snuggled her head just under my neck, and lay content and wide awake. This was right after all her poops. She was really fussy until this time together.
October 31 was Halloween! I was feeling a little lonely that morning, when a lady came into the reference room I was sitting in, and asked if I was Eve’s mom. She then asked me if I had chosen a Halloween costume for her. I lit up and smiled broadly because I wished I had had a costume for her. This surprise made my day: Oh, how wonderful today is Halloween at the UNC NICU. I got a very special surprise for Eve this morning: the choice of a costume for her! I was so thrilled. Picking a costume and dressing her in it have been such a joy for me. She got her picture taken professionally and will be in a judging contest later today. 😀
My ballerina
But the day got even better because my mom and sister came to visit, and then Jad brought all the kids, picked me up, and we all went trick-or-treating together at Southern Village. It was a perfect neighborhood, and we all enjoyed being together as a family. You don’t fully appreciate your family unit until you can’t be together – at least that’s how I felt.
I went to being emotional again, though, as I missed a feeding with Eve by about 15 minutes. I didn’t make it back by 8PM because we had to drop by the RM House first for me to grab a few things and for us to eat a little bit of leftovers. Oh well, at least I got to snuggle with her!
November 1 was a good day. it started with Jad coming and bringing me roses!
Eve had a couple firsts today, like her first blow-out poop (super duper stinky one), and her first excellent nursing session. Progress is being made. Her nurse has no doubt she will fill out quickly, especially considering her mama’s amazing milk supply. 😉
Slender foot!
Tiny hand!
And here were the highlights of Eve’s day on November 1:
She got to snuggle with Daddy (but not before pooping on him!)
She got to spend time with each of her brothers (Casey held her for the first time/Rigel drew her a double-sided picture).
She got her IV taken out for good
She got a sponge bath and I got to help! She smells amazing.
The flower and the “awesome”
The picture was of Eve living in a house with spikes on it, surrounded by a force field so she could be safe. And I taught Rigel how to write her name.
November 2 was Eve’s one-week birthday. The morning started out wonderfully. She nursed amazingly, needing no supplemental feed. We snuggled for a long time after that.
My cousin, Lisa, came to visit me in the hospital that day, bringing me much needed newborn clothes, and we ate lunch together (which ended up being free somehow). She took lovely pictures of Eve and me.
Then Jad came to visit after Lisa went back with the kids (we were so grateful for her).
We celebrated Eve’s one-week birthday with cupcakes. Did I mention the food at UNC hospital is awesome!
I wrote down all the things about Eve as of a week old:
She loves to: Look you in your eyes Snuggle Get her head rubbed Hear your singing voice Cross her eyes and stick out her tongue Feel warm and bundled Be kissed
She hates to: Get her temperature taken Get her diaper changed Be poked at all Be woken up
A comparison of Eve to Rigel and Kamren…
On November 3, Eve was really sleepy all day. I would nurse her for 10-12 minutes, and then Snoozeville for her each time.
Isn’t she gorgeous in pink?
But there was some great news that day:
Eve is gaining weight. She is 5 pounds 1 ounce today
We are doing less and less supplemental tube feeding, which means we are getting closer to going home.
Chick-Fil-A gave me my lunch free today because I had a baby in the NICU. I felt so special.
That night was also so wonderful: Jad and the boys came to visit tonight. Rigel and Kamren held baby Eve for the first time. We also got a Rainbow Bright stuffed animal from the Ronald McDonald room at UNC. There were lots of options but I had to get that one because I loved Rainbow Bright as a little girl.
https://youtu.be/kWkymAsefGY
Late that night she was finally awake, something I had yearned for all day!- I was about to take the shuttle back, but then little girl decided to be wide awake for the first time today with very squeaky hiccups. Another hour at the NICU waiting for the next shuttle it is (12:50AM)! I can’t complain…
I had lots of promising news and events on November 4: Today has been the opposite of yesterday so far. Little Eve has been very alert, and very interested in nursing. We aren’t worrying about a feed schedule anymore, but just listening to her cues. She is doing great, and as long as she has no issues, she will be going home Sunday! She passed her hearing test, is all set up with a pediatrician, and now just has to pass a car seat test. I get to room in with her at the hospital tomorrow night. I am so excited!
Here is another update from that day: I love this card Jad made for Eve. It has been a good day. I have had time with my hubby, and time with my dear cousin, who has been so helpful this week. Eve has been so alert and adorable today, and she got her feeding tube out today too! I feel so blessed in every way, even in just the days going by quickly.
feeding tube gone!
Her first smile!
As great as that day was, it ended sadly for me as I left Eve before 9PM so I could pack up at the RMH: I left Eve tonight 2-3 hours earlier than I usually do. It was so hard to leave – so hard, I got teary-eyed. I mean, are the nurses going to snuggle her enough? But, I have to start packing up and try to get some decent sleep for the first time in a week and a half. Sleep and eat well, my little love.
I was overjoyed to get to Eve the next morning, the 5th. I can’t explain my excitement, and it was a great first meeting: This is the face of a baby girl who not only drank ridiculous amounts of milk overnight by bottle, but also just nursed strong for 35 minutes! That is like three times her average nursing time.
She also passed her car seat test last night.
And she might come home today because she is doing so well!
I left her quickly, though, to go to my baby shower. I was so excited for it. Getting out of the hospital and being around women I love was so needed. It was wonderful, from the food to the décor (mostly consisting of pictures of my precious girl) to the company to the gifts to the service project. There were tons of people there, and I was there having a fabulous time for hours. As a bonus, I got a voice mail during the shower saying that Eve could definitely come home! Yay~!
Jad picked me up with the kids to go to the hospital and get our baby girl. They went up to the Ronald McDonald floor while I got her ready to go. Ironically, it only took just a few minutes for her to get checked out, and they wanted to stay where they were because it was so fun. I had to understand the boys’ perspective, though I really just wanted to get my girl home!
I am grateful that Eve was well-taken care of at UNC Hospital. I never worried about her. She was constantly watched over by nurses and doctors, and they had her best interests in mind. I was given freedom to change her, take her temperature, help with her bath, and hold her whenever I liked. The hospital also helped make me comfortable by putting me in the Ronald McDonald House, giving me one free meal a day, providing limitless water bottles, giving me a manual breast pump, and sometimes providing a meal. It was as good of an experience as it could have been. I was thrilled to go home, but would somehow miss that special time at the hospital.
We finally got out of the hospital around 2:45 or so and ran into a lot of traffic: Even though it is a little frustrating not being able to get home as quickly as we would like, we are so blessed that our baby is healthy enough to go home.
It took forever to get to the RMH. Then I had to clean and check out, and then we had to drive home. We were so so blessed that Eve stayed asleep that whole time.
Entering my house after being gone for a week and a half felt like Heaven. We enjoyed our evening together as a family of six.
In her bassinet for the first time!
Even the night wasn’t so bad: I actually got more rest last night than I ever did when Eve was in the NICU. She woke up to eat three times, and went back to sleep. Twice she stirred a little as if to wake, but I was easily able to get her back to sleep the first time by looking at her and holding her hand, and the second time by stroking her cheek. She is so affectionate.
I won’t go through the next whole month of Eve’s life detail by detail because that would take forever, but here are some highlights and my favorite pictures of her:
Nov 6 – Our first morning at home!
Mariah got this cookie cake to celebrate her homecoming.
Nov 7 – First Dr appointment: Eve had her first pediatric doctor appointment today. Dr. Boylston said she is doing great and likely in a couple months, we won’t even be able to tell she was a preemie. We are also going to try not supplementing and see how she does! She has a weight check Thursday. Today she was up to 5 pounds 6 ounces.
Just some cute Nov 8 pics:
Eve and my doll
Eve and her unicorn
Nov 10 – Weight check – Eve had her weight check today. She is up three ounces in three days, which is perfect. At 5 pounds 9 ounces, this baby is healthy and needs no supplementation. Yay!
Nov 10 – First bathtub bath – she didn’t like it other than her hair being washed.
Nov 11 – The day I was supposed to be induced!
Cute pic from Nov 12 –
Cute pic from Nov 13 –
Nov 14 – Jad went back to work – can I handle it???
Spiky hair!
Nov 16 – I had just started nursing my baby. The dog came into the room licking her lips but I hadn’t fed her anything. It was quiet- too quiet. I called for my son. No answer, but the bathroom door promptly closed and locked. Was it as I feared? I unlocked the door. Yes, yes it was. It was horrible. The smell. The mess. The pleading, yet guilty look in my son’s eyes. The squished brown substance on the floor and the wall and the toilet and his legs. The torn toilet paper everywhere. I realized at that moment my dog was the most disgusting dog on earth and that the floor is my son’s new favorite place to poop. Will he ever be potty trained? Will I ever let my dog kiss any of us again?
You can’t make this stuff up. This is the life of a nursing mother…
Nov 17 – loves her hair being brushed (three weeks old!).
Nov 18 – Eve’s first walk
Nov 19 – She has grown!
Nov 20 – First time at Nana and Papa’s house!
Cute pic from Nov 21 –
Nov 23 – Excellent sleep and 4 weeks old! – This beautiful girl made her parents very happy last night. She slept from just after midnight to 6:52AM without waking up at all! This was her first night sleeping through. She just drank lots of milk and went back to sleep too!
Nov 24 – Eve’s first Thanksgiving! – My house has 21 people in it right now. I am upstairs feeding Eve, and can hear talking, playing and laughter all around. I am so grateful for snuggles with my baby, my family, good food, a cozy house, and lovely weather. I am grateful for the great land I live in, for good friends, and most of all, for a loving Father in Heaven, His beloved son, and the Holy Ghost.
Nov 25 cute pic –
Nov 26 – One month old!!! – Eve Marie Al-Bjaly was born one month ago today. She was born at 34 weeks five days gestation at 4 pounds 14 ounces and 17 inches. Today we are thrilled to say that she is 7 pounds 9.6 ounces and 19 inches. That is a whole lot of growing in a month. We are so in love with her. Her favorite thing to do is eat. She also likes her hair brushed and her feet rubbed. She loves walking around and taking in the sites. She cries like a goat, squeaks like a mouse, and purrs like a kitten. She does not like to be cold or wet. Snuggles are always appreciated. And she gets like 5000 kisses a day.
My beautiful one-month old
dancing with daddy
Nov 30 – One-month Dr appointment! – She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 19 1/2 inches
Eve in my blessing gown and cape
Dec 2 – Her due date – today!
If it looks like there hasn’t been much excitement since Eve came home from the hospital, that’s because there hasn’t been. Eve and I have spent most of our time at home snuggling and nursing and watching Studio C. I am not going to be taking her anywhere public (except Dr appointments) until she is 2 months old, per doctor orders. Visits from friends and family have brought us much joy, however, and we have visitors often.
I must express my sincere gratitude for everyone who has been helping with my boys during this time, whether play dates or driving them to appointments. I am also so grateful for everyone who brought us meals when I was in the hospital and when we were first home. And how could I forget the kind women who donated clothes and other baby gear to me? Eve will be well-dressed and very warm for a long time.
Life has been quite hard, honestly. Even without much excitement, it is really hard to keep up with cleaning, projects, and just day-to-day responsibilities. Thus, our home is messier than we are used to, and our meals are pretty simple. But, we wouldn’t trade having four children for the world. Hopefully this phase won’t last too long.
You may wonder how the boys like their new sister. Each of them absolutely adores her. They love holding her, and kiss her and touch her so gently. I have never seen them so sweet. Eve brings such a special spirit to our home. Even Kamren, who had been the baby for so long, adjusted immediately to being a big brother. Sometimes Kamren and Rigel still need hugs, kisses, and snuggles, and we do our best to still oblige, but they understand sometimes we just have one arm instead of two now.
Our home also looks different. For several months, Jad and I worked hard to transform Kamren’s old room into Eve’s nursery. For the first time, we have pink in our home. We love her room!
We didn’t expect Eve to come so soon. We had some scary moments, some lonely ones, some overwhelmed ones, but also some faith-promoting ones. Would I have chosen for Eve to be born early and for her to be in the NICU for a week and a half? Maybe not, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Sometimes that plan involves adversity to make us better people, and bring us closer to Him. This experience has done just that. My prayers and yours were answered. They brought me peace, and Eve her health. Not to mention that I know that Eve and I would not have the bond we have, and will always have, without that time alone together in the hospital.
I love my baby girl more than I could ever tell you. I am honored to be her mother, and I am so excited to raise a little girl to womanhood. I hope we are best friends forever.
I taught a class on building an eternal marriage to the women in my congregation, as well as in a larger event for women in my church. I wanted to make the class interesting, easy to remember, and fun. I would like to share my lesson with you so you can have this discussion and do this activity with your spouse.
To create the tastiest concoctions, we must use the very best ingredients, taking our time to cook with love. The same is true to create the most joyous marriages, and the Lord has given us the perfect recipe to make our marriages eternal.
The ingredients were created with the marriage relationship in mind, but the corresponding attributes and actions apply to all people, and to all relationships.
So, in any good baking recipe, you start with a bowl. Notice the roundness of the rim. This will represent the never-ending bond of marriage and family – the sealing covenant. The bowl must be clean, representing the holiness of that covenant.
Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called ‘incomprehensible joy.’”
Elder Hafen also talked about the difference between a contract of marriage and a covenant. Think about those differences as we discuss the recipe for eternity:
Contract
You walk away from your troubles.
You do your part only when the other does.
50/50 effort
Covenant:
When troubles come, you endure them together.
100/100 effort.
You sustain and lift each other in times of trial.
You obey God and sacrifice for each other.
You need and sustain each other.
You are given the strength to give your life for your sheep (spouse, child)
You are bound to each other and to the Lord.
Ready for the ingredients? The first is: Well-packed Time. In the real recipe, it is packed brown sugar.
Our days and weeks likely are packed. But, we can prioritize our time well to maximize the happiness for ourselves, and those in our homes.
President Uchtdorf said: “Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home.”
Time is so hard, isn’t it? There is never enough time because there is so much to do from errands to keeping house to spending time with family to church responsibilities to work and more. So, what do we do when we have completely full schedules? How do we find time to do all of our chores and spend time with our spouses and families? Any ideas?
Sometimes, it is more quality than quantity. Plan time, and make sure it is a relaxing time where you can focus on your love for each other and not outside distractions.
You can also spend time together without being alone together, through:
Texts/phone calls
Stealing smiles and laughs while doing responsibilities together
Holding hands when out and about.
Also, learn to simplify and say no. If you already have a full plate, be honest with yourself. Don’t add more on. Ask yourself: does this help my family or my marriage? Does this strengthen my testimony? Can someone else do this? Is this necessary?
Talk to your spouse about priorities. What is most important? It should be God, spouse and family. Set expectations with each other and do your best.
But, are the issues with time we talked about all there is? What about not having enough time for yourself? What about not having time to make yourself look the way you want to, or to do the hobbies you love, or to spend time with friends? Have you ever felt that way?
So, we need time for those we love, but also for ourselves. Taking time for yourself can really help you be a better wife, mother and person. You have more to give when you are able to sustain yourself. Discuss this need with your spouse, and plan times for each of you to have “you” time.
The next ingredient is Softened Answers, or for the recipe, softened butter.
The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
What are some examples of soft communication?
Ex: Compliments, showing interest, rejoicing in accomplishments, showing appreciation for labors, apologizing when wrong, saying I love you. In prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for spouse.
There are so many things that we need to discuss as couples, things that could become arguments if not done with soft answers, from making/changing traditions, to important life decisions, to methods of raising children, to trouble with friends or family, to personal desires, thoughts, and dreams.
When talking about all these things, we will have different opinions, which could lead to arguments if not done right.
To avoid contention/fights:
Listen to each other’s opinions completely and without judgment. Validate those feelings rather than refute them.
Speak your mind, rather than stay silent, because silence can lead to future fights.
Study both options, and perhaps others.
Pray about the resolution and listen for the answer.
Even with our best efforts, sometimes we won’t say the right things or react the right way. And sometimes our spouse won’t.
Elder Bednar counseled, “When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
We could explode in these situations, or we can breathe, express our feelings, and remember we love our spouse and are on the same team.
Sometimes we will get irritated with our spouse’s behaviors and habits. We feel tempted to tell our friends about it, so they can tell us how right we are and how wrong he is. But this fills us with bitterness, pride, and blinds us from our own faults.
Absolutely talk about your concerns, but only to the one person who needs to hear them. Take time and give space if needed, but always talk about it. Try to understand how each other feels, and don’t turn conversation around to dote on the other’s faults. Take responsibility for behavior and words, and apologize.
Next, you add in Pure Love of Christ, or pure vanilla extract.
Pres Uchtdorf said, “…no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.
Whatever problems your family is facing…the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle. With it, even families with great challenges succeed.
The great enemy of charity is pride. Pride is short-tempered, unkind, and envious. Pride exaggerates its own strength and ignores the virtues of others. Pride is selfish and easily provoked. Pride assumes evil intent where there is none and hides its own weaknesses behind clever excuses. Pride is cynical, pessimistic, angry, and impatient. Indeed, if charity is the pure love of Christ, then pride is the defining characteristic of Satan.
Love in the fabric of the plan of salvation is selfless and seeks the well-being of others. That is the love our Heavenly Father has for us.”
What are some charitable characteristics you love about your spouse?
The next ingredient is whole devotion, or whole milk.
“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto
her and none else. “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after
her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents
not he shall be cast out” (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22-23).
What are some methods you use to make sure you do not lust after other men?
Examples – I will not compare my husband to other men and wish he was more like them/ I will not read books or magazines, watch movies or videos, or listen to music that spark sexual feelings from within.
Pres Uchtdorf said, “Somehow, as the days multiply and the color of romantic love changes, there are some who slowly stop thinking of each other’s happiness and start noticing the little faults. In such an environment, some are enticed by the tragic conclusion that their spouse isn’t smart enough, fun enough, or young enough. And somehow they get the idea that this gives them justification to start looking elsewhere.
In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship. That is the goal.”
How can you show your devotion to your spouse? Examples – trust and accept him, be honest with him always, always remember why you fell in love…
Next is the Salt of the Earth, as a representation for salt.
Matthew 5:13 – Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
Christ is speaking to His covenant people who have been baptized in His name. They are called to be this salt of the earth.
Carlos E. Asay said, “The word savor denotes taste, pleasing flavor, interesting quality, and high repute. That is, it is clean, pure, uncontaminated, and useful…Savor is lost through mixture and contamination.”
He gave examples of losing savor (or purity) – pornography, lies, drug, alcohol, bad language, etc. Then he gave advice: “If it is not clean, do not think it; if it is not true, do not speak it; if it is not good, do not do it.” King Benjamin cautioned, “Watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God” (Mosiah 4:30).
How can we help our spouses and ourselves become more pure?
We should share our sins and weaknesses with each other to help us become one and help each other maintain our savor. If we don’t admit our faults, it is harder to overcome them, and we continue to lose our savor.
If spouses are working hard to live the gospel and remain clean, then they will be more useful to the Lord, to each other, and to their families. And living righteously will help us come closer to God, and closer to eternal life.
John 6:35 – And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.
Draw a triangle with wife on the bottom left, husband on the bottom right, and God on the top – The closer we come to the Lord, the closer we come to each other. Notice if one of us moves from the Lord, if we also move from the Lord, we go further away from our spouse, not closer.
Elder John A. Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue.”
There are many desirable qualities in a spouse, but the ones that matter most are the ones that mirror the Savior.
So, we need to put God first. How can we do that first individually and as a couple?
Christ, through his atonement, not only can make us clean from our sins, but lighten our burdens and make our weaknesses strengths. But, we must go to Him for help.
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).
As couples and families, we will go through trials over the years. If we come unto Christ together, pray for help, and keep the commandments, Christ will help us through all of our trials. I have a testimony that the trials my family and I have been through have only strengthened our testimonies and brought us closer together. Does anyone have any examples?
When you are married, your spouse’s needs, wants, and happiness should be as important to you as your own.
What are some ways you serve your spouse?
Examples:
Learn about and support your spouse’s interests and hobbies.
Do nice things for each other, like write love notes, plan a surprise, do something without being asked, give a massage, be the one to get up and do something when you are both tired. If you give what you want to receive, your spouse will feel your love and want to do likewise.
Be sensitive to moods, desires, energy levels, and work load. That way, you can discern each other’s needs better. (breaks, relaxing, give up time if something important needs to happen)
Stop what we are doing and just listen. Be interested in how your spouse’s day was. Talk about it. Offer comfort and support. Be positive.
Help each other with responsibilities. It could be tempting to say that it is his job, so I shouldn’t have to help. By getting up and helping with chores, your spouse can feel that you enjoy being with him regardless of what you are doing. If you see a need, do it rather than wait for your spouse to do it. This will be a load off of him, which will make you happy.
Pray for each other- thank God for each other, and pray for well-being and strength.
Show affection often.
By putting your spouse first, you grow together in love, and you both stay humble, and as President Spencer W. Kimball promised: “. . . If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.”
Differences can at first glance seem to be an annoyance. “Why can’t he be more like this?” “Why can’t he do that?” “It is so obvious to me that..” “It would be so much easier if he would just…”
When differences start to annoy, it would be wise to look within. “Am I perfect? Do I do everything excellently? Am I the best parent and spouse in the world? Am I better than my spouse?” What will the answer be?
Pres Uchtdorf said, “ If we look for imperfections in our spouse or irritations in our marriage, we will certainly find them, because everyone has some. On the other hand, if we look for the good, we will surely find it, because everyone has many good qualities too.” He also said, “Rather than attempting to force everyone into a mold of our own making, we can choose to celebrate these differences and appreciate them for adding richness and constant surprises to our lives.”
If you look at differences in a positive way, you excitedly see that where you lack, he excels, and vice versa. You complete each other. You help each other grow. You give each other perspective.
What are some good differences you and your spouse have?
There are some things that aren’t easy with being different, like maybe how we communicate or show affection or handle conflict. If you talk together about your desires and needs, and go to the Lord for help, with a willingness to improve, you will both be blessed.
Now mix all the ingredients well – this spoon represents consistent hard work and effort to keep your family strong and provided for. Both husband and wife must put in that effort.
You may have a spouse that you admire for his work ethic, or you may have one you wish did more.
If you are in the latter group, here is some advice:
Communicate expectations together for work and roles. Make sure they are fair and doable.
Say thank you for the things he does do well. This appreciation will motivate him to do more.
Help each other learn new skills so you can both help more where help is needed.
Notice how the dough is sticky. The ingredients are holding together, united in deliciousness. You may say that the ingredients making up the recipe for eternity are cleaving, which means to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).
*twain means two
Elder Henry B. Eyring made this profound statement, “Our Heavenly Fatherwants our hearts to be knit together. That union inlove is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”
The commandment to cleave is meant to help us be united in righteousness, providing us with the greatest joy we could ever imagine. As the Lord said, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Make sure your spouse is one of your greatest treasures. _____________________________________________________________________________________
Now it is time to enjoy eating this fabulous confection together.
I see the eating of the sweet as enjoying life together -being happy, laughing, finding joy in each other, and growing in love.
President Uchtdorf said, “Those who save marriages pull out the weeds and water the flowers. They celebrate the small acts of grace that spark tender feelings of charity. Remember why you fell in love. Work each day to make your marriage stronger and happier. It may be a gradual work, but it doesn’t have to be a cheerless one. In fact, at the risk of stating the obvious, divorce rarely happens when the husband and wife are happy. So be happy! Those who save their marriages choose happiness.”
President Spencer W. Kimball promised: “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have . . . great happiness.”
