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  • 7 clues that your terrible relationship could be your fault

    This is the version I submitted to Family Share before it was re-edited and published on their site. See which one you like better:

    Sometimes in a dating or marriage relationship, the commitment and happiness decline, and the relationship goes terribly south. When this happens to you, you wonder where the problems lie, and who is to blame. Truth be told, the fault is usually shared, though not necessarily equally.

    Reflect on these characteristics of a devoted partner to see how you are influencing your relationship for better or for worse:

    1. You are loyal.

    You do not participate in anything that would arouse lust. You do not flirt with anyone else. You are upfront and honest with your partner about what you do every day. When things are hard, you stick by the one you love, rather than go to someone, or something, else for comfort.

    Someone I loved wasn’t loyal to me, and it was really hard for me to trust him again, or even get over my feelings of disgust and betrayal. Trust can be rebuilt with change, but he sadly didn’t value our relationship enough to change.

    2. You show affection often, in word and in deed.

    You say “I love you,” kiss, hug, hold hands, and do sweet, tender gestures. You are thoughtful, and make holidays and occasions special. You spend quality time with your significant other, and do things that will strengthen your relationship. You are authentic, and do a lot of laughing and having fun. You reminisce about why you fell in love, and tell your partner often what you love about him/her. You share your dreams for your future together.

    I know that without this tender affection, the romantic spark can totally go out.

    3. You communicate with love, patience, and respect.

    You encourage and uplift, rather than nag or criticize. You compliment and show praise every day. You only speak kindly of your partner to your friends or family. You do your best to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns without yelling, fighting or calling names. Should you falter, you sincerely apologize. You say what is bothering you, rather than turning inward and pushing the other away. You never let your pride be more important than your love.

    Humility is something my husband and I are working on to improve our communication. It makes all the difference.

    4. You value your significant other’s thoughts, feelings, and interests.

    When you make decisions, you think of how they would affect the other. You respect your partner’s opinions, even more so than those of your parents and friends. You listen, and you validate. You would never ask your partner to do anything that makes him/her uncomfortable. You comfort when the other is sad; you support when the other struggles; you celebrate when the other succeeds. You appreciate the talents, skills and hobbies of the other, and try to learn from them. You are unselfish, and put your partner’s needs before your own.

    In my marriage, I get most upset when I feel that my husband isn’t listening or validating my feelings. I feel so loved, though, when he just sits with me, listens to me, hugs me, and tells me he loves me.

    5. You can be happy without your significant other.

    You do not base your self-worth solely on the fact that you are in a relationship. You can feel confident, fulfilled and happy when you are apart. You do not get insecure, or worried when you cannot talk to or see your significant other at all times. You love yourself, and know that no matter what happens, you are special, you are loved, and you have so much to offer.

    I have seen people be so clingy in their relationship, that they push the other person away. Then, if it doesn’t work out, they don’t know how to function. Please remember that your partner needs your trust, and also personal time.

    6. You are doing your best to be a good person.

    You choose your friends carefully. You want to associate with honest, unselfish, giving and loyal people who don’t break the law or play with hearts. You are not entertaining harmful addictions. When you make commitments, you keep them. You work hard, and you humbly recognize your strengths and weaknesses, and are constantly working to refine yourself.

    Though I don’t have personal experience with all of these things, I have seen someone I love struggle as she dated a young man who did break the law, pretend to care more than he did, and break commitments. She would try so hard to be loyal and stand by her boyfriend, while he would flirt with other women, do drugs, and even steal.

    I do have first-hand experience with what addictions can do to a relationship. One who has an addiction does not have freedom over his thoughts, emotions or actions. He is irrational, selfish, unproductive, dishonest, unkind, and sometimes violent.

    7. You love God and put Him first.

    You know who your Creator is, and you want to please Him. You strive to show you love Him and others by keeping His commandments. You take time to pray, read your scriptures, and ponder on all the blessings God has given you. You are a light to others as you serve them in love.

    This quality has been the most valuable to me in my relationship with my spouse. When we both are striving to put God first, we really are more patient, loving, and service-oriented.

    In contrast, my first marriage ended mostly because of sin and selfishness. I can promise you that individuals who strive for spiritual cleanliness, are much better suited for a healthy relationship.

    Because nobody is perfect, you won’t do all these things perfectly all the time. However, if your relationship with your spouse or significant other is taking a dark turn for the worse, reflect carefully on the part you are playing. Do the very best you can, and if nothing changes, it may be time to consider a change. God bless you in your relationship and in your life.


     

  • How long should I wait to date after my divorce?

    I wrote this article for Family Share. It feels good to know I can help others through sharing my experiences and lessons learned during difficult times of my life:

    It is hard to know when you should date after a divorce. I was 21 years old and a recent college graduate, trying to raise my baby boy. I had just moved across the country to a place I had never been. For me, whether I was ready or not, the first thing I wanted to do was date.

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    Everyone who divorces has a different story, but most of us share feelings of failure, fear and desperation. We are trying to fill the void in our hearts caused by losing our spouse. While change is difficult, dating when you aren’t ready can make things even more challenging.

    I wish I had known then what I realize now about dating after a divorce. I know that I would have avoided tears, frustration, and a few heartbreaks. There is not a cookie cutter rule on when you should start dating again. The goal is for you to have healthy and happy dating relationships, but no one but you can say when that will be. However, you can get an idea of where you stand by answering “yes” to these eight questions:

    1. Do I live each day without wallowing in self-pity?

    If you spend most of your time weeping about all that has happened to you and can’t imagine moving on, you are not ready to date again. Divorce is horrible, I know. And it is okay to cry sometimes. But if you can’t see hope, dating will not help you find it.

    2. Have I moved on from my ex?

    If you are still in love with your ex, you will probably compare everyone you date to him or her. It will be impossible to find anyone who is good for you if you are only dating to compare. Stop measuring every date against your former spouse and treat dating as a fresh start.

    If you aren’t over your ex, you may also find yourself mentioning your ex one too many times which will push your date away. Take the time to be over your ex before you start dating again.

    3. Am I ready to talk about my past?

    When you are dating, at some point you will need to talk about your past. I remember when I was newly divorced, I was scared to death to tell any young man about it. I especially didn’t want to tell my date that I also had a baby boy. I was afraid that no man would accept me because of my past. Sometimes I would hide it until it became impossible to continue dodging questions.

    I realized that I needed to be ready to talk about my past. By the time I met my second husband, I was at a point where I could talk about my past almost right away. It went smoothly, and I didn’t regret it.

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    4. Am I happy where I am now?

    In my early divorced days, I thought I couldn’t be happy unless I was remarried. Especially as a single mother, I wanted my life to be a certain way. I was engulfed with an urgency to date and get married. I am sure I came off as desperate.

    Because I was so focused on wanting a life as a married woman, I missed out on some true friendships. I missed out on having fun and truly appreciating the joys and blessings that I still had in my life. Although this isn’t what you thought your life would be like, you can learn to be happy in your situation.

    5. Do I love myself?

    If you don’t love yourself, dating again can be a nightmare. You will feel like you have to keep secrets to maintain a perfect and unrealistic image of yourself. No matter how you hide it, low self-esteem shows and it isn’t attractive. Take time to learn to love yourself. If you have self-confidence and know your inner-worth, you will be able to talk honestly, listen better, and smile radiantly. If you love yourself, you will still have your self-worth even if a new relationship doesn’t work out.

    6. Do I know what I want in a relationship?

    Perhaps you were in a relationship where your spouse was selfish, or even abusive. Have you figured out what kinds of behaviors you want to avoid, and which qualities you want? Do you know what you really need to have a relationship that will last forever? It is a good thing to be picky if you are looking for life-long happiness, rather than another divorce.

    7. Have I forgiven my ex?

    It can take a long time to forgive your ex, especially if you felt that he or she was the main cause of your pain. I can testify of the great peace that comes from forgiveness, and how necessary it is. To find the right person for you, forgiveness must be a part of your process.

    8. Would I want to date or be married to someone like me?

    Though it would be nice if divorces were always your spouse’s fault, most of the time both people share some of the responsibility. Are you in a place where you would be a loving, caring, and devoted spouse? Or would another relationship only end in more heartache? If you aren’t as good as the person you want for yourself, it is time to improve.

    Being divorced does not make you less of a human, or less worthy of love. I found a wonderful man who loves me, and cherishes our growing family. There is hope for all who have had the misfortune of divorce. Don’t rush the process. Take the time to heal. You will have your chance at love once again. It is worth it to be patient to find someone who will be with you forever.
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  • It isn’t easy being green…with envy

    Nobody wants to be accused of being envious, especially when it is true.

    I have often battled with this monster, and often I have given in. I have submerged my mind in bitterness, inadequacy, and irrationality.

    It is next to impossible to be true friends with someone whose skills, talents, looks, and achievements you envy.

    Throughout my young life, my problems have lain mostly with envy of talent, popularity, and praise. Growing up, the people I didn’t like were the ones most like me – the ones with the same talents and hobbies. I found myself being angry if someone got asked to sing more than me, got more praise than I thought I got for similar achievements, was  cast the part I wanted in the school play, or got a better grade than me even though I thought I worked just as hard.

    In my adult life, I sometimes still grapple with this. As I have prayed for this weakness to be made a strength, I have received witnesses of how to wash the green away:

    1. If someone gets something before you, or does better than you at something, that person may have more experience, know the right people, have more time to work on it, or have more resources. Perhaps God’s will for them is not the same for you, or at least not right now.
    2. Most of the time, your friends and peers are not trying to hurt you when they succeed. You should not expect them to halt their dreams or accomplishments for your sake.
    3. Recognize that even if people seem to have it all (or at least what you want), there are many things they may not have, or are struggling with, that you don’t know about. People aren’t defined by one facet of their lives, nor do they get their entire fulfillment from one thing.
    4. Remember that life has its ups and downs, and so have you. Maybe you are on the down side of the teeter totter right now, but you will be lifted up again in time. As you hope for your side to go up, never hope that someone else’s side goes down. Someone else’s fall will not lift you higher, nor will your envy.
    5. Life isn’t meant to be a competition. You should only compare yourself to others to motivate you to be better than you are now, not to be better than someone else is right now. In fact, you may never have exactly what someone else has or do what someone else does, and that is OK. That doesn’t mean you are less loved, less blessed, or less valued. It doesn’t mean you have lost at life.
    6. Sit down and count your blessings. When all you do is think of what you don’t have, you are missing out on the wonder that is your life. You may not have the fancy car, or the perfect relationship, but you have life. You have tremendously more than you even realize.
    7. Pray to God every day and night that He will help you recognize your potential, your worth, and your calling in life. Also make an effort to pray for those you envy. Pray that you can see their worth, and how they can play a positive role in your life.
    8. Instead of ignoring those you envy, sincerely compliment and praise them. Ask for their advice on how to be better, and humbly request an honest opinion of your skills. This vulnerable interaction can help build a rewarding friendship.
    9. Ponder on what really matters in life. The everlasting goal is to return to live with Heavenly Father someday. God doesn’t care how beautiful you are, or how much money you have, or how many people know your name. That is what Satan wants you to think. No, the true test is how you overcome your envy and learn to love others unconditionally.
    10. Find joy in yourself. Love yourself. You are blessed with many gifts and talents. Use them to help others. As you focus on serving with what you do have, you will be blessed with more.

    I can say from personal experience that this shade of green is not a good color on anyone. I can also say that freeing yourself of this suffocating weight can make all the difference in how you feel, how you think, and how you act every day. You will feel wonderful, and free. Take off the green.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Favorite Love Story

    Today is Jad’s and my fifth wedding anniversary. I am so grateful to call him mine. When we were newlyweds, I wrote about our courtship. I think our story is grand. Here it is:
    Jad and Mandy met at a YSA dance in Apex, NC on April 3,
    2009. Mandy had a boyfriend at the time, but liked to go to the dances to have
    fun with friends and well, dance.  Jad
    didn’t really like going to dances, but his friends had gotten him to go a
    couple times before. He saw Mandy and was amazed at how beautiful she was. Her
    dancing also caught his attention and he knew he wanted to ask her to dance.
    They danced once that night. It was hard for Mandy to understand all that he
    said because it was loud and because he had a strong accent, but she did think
    he was cute and sweet. Jad asked Mandy for her phone number that night, but she
    said she couldn’t give it. They ended the night saying that they would
    hopefully see each other at the next dance.

    A picture of Casey and me around the time Jad and I met.

    May 1 was the next dance. Mandy had broken up with her boyfriend
    soon after the previous dance. She saw Jad as she was dancing that night, but
    he didn’t approach her for quite a while. He was pleasantly surprised when she
    remembered his name. This time Mandy paid more attention to Jad, noticing how
    good he smelled and how good-looking he was. They danced a lot that night; Jad
    asked her to dance as often as he could. He also pulled her out in the hallway
    to talk to her in the quiet and learn more about her. Mandy noticed that he
    liked to stare at her. They had a wonderful time together that night, and the
    night ended with them exchanging phone numbers.

    A few short days later, Jad and Mandy talked on the phone
    for the first time. He surprised her when he opened up quickly and told her he
    was divorced. She had been afraid to tell him about her divorce and child, but
    it was so easy to tell him. He didn’t judge her at all but told her that she
    was a wonderful person and shouldn’t be judged on her past. It was a good
    conversation. Mandy and Jad were eager to go out on their first date.

    Mandy took off work May 26 to meet Jad in Raleigh. It was a
    very exciting and fun day. They went to the Science Museum in Raleigh to see
    the Chocolate Exhibition. It was invigorating learning all about the history of
    chocolate, and the items in the gift shop were exciting and unique. Mandy got
    chocolate bubble bath and Jad got chocolate soap. They ate Chargrill for lunch
    and then went to the rose garden behind Raleigh Little Theater. 


    Jad took lots
    of pictures of Mandy with the flowers.

                       


    He thought she was beautiful.

      Mandy was flattered but embarrassed.
    She took a picture of him to make it even.
    The garden was fragrant and lovely, and helped both of them see how they liked each other.

    Then they went to the movies to see Star
    Trek. The mall was next. They looked at everything from furniture to legos.
    Then they ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Jad got Mandy to eat some of his
    dinner. This was the first time they shared a fork. Jad asked Mandy to hold his
    hand that night, and she did even though she wasn’t ready. The whole day was
    wonderful and both knew that the other was great. The night ended with a hug
    and a smile.

    Mandy and Jad continued to talk on the phone periodically.
    Jad got busy during the summer working double shifts, so they did not see each
    other at all in the summer. During that time Mandy got back together with her
    previous boyfriend when he came home on leave. She felt really bad when Jad
    emailed her about seeing her at a dance, as if he wanted to pick up where they
    had left off. She knew she had lost out on a great opportunity when he
    responded to her explanation with grace and said how he would never regret
    knowing her or spending time with her. 
    Mandy’s relationship didn’t last. She ended up telling Jad and they
    wanted to see each other again.

    September 5 was the next time they saw each other. That was
    the evening Jad met Casey. He was wonderful with Casey and Mandy loved the time
    they spent together. She learned a lot about his country’s food that day too.
    She kissed him on the cheek that night after feeling overwhelmed with how
    wonderful he was.

    The courtship continued for five months. Mandy and Jad spent
    nearly every weekend together. They took turns traveling to either Kinston or
    Hillsborough.


    Mandy knew she loved Jad October 23, the day they went to the
    state fair together.  That day she, Jad
    and Casey had such a fun time and felt like a family.  Mandy could see herself being with Jad always,
    but it took him a little longer to know.



    Mandy and Jad got to know each other’s families and spent a
    lot of time eating and doing fun activities together like going to see Phantom,



    visiting Battleship, NC and Wilmington,


    celebrating Christmas together, 
    I got custom wind chimes made for Jad. The bottom said Just like music, you soothe my soul. I love you, Jad.

    Jad got Casey a soccer ball.

    I giggled that he put From the Kitchen of Mandy and Jad. It must come true now!

    Jad drew this picture for me.
    I thought Jad’s interaction with my Nana was so adorable. If she liked him, it was even more confirmation he was wonderful.
     going to a
    formal New Year’s dance,


     bowling,


     and ice skating. 

    They had little rough patches
    along the way, but never doubted how much they cared about each other.


    After New Year’s, Mandy and Jad knew they wanted to be
    married and talked about it often. He even indicated that he had looked at
    rings. Mandy hoped every weekend that he would ask her to marry him, but for
    weeks he didn’t. She got a little upset that he was taking so long since they
    knew they wanted to be together, but he always smiled his beautiful smile and
    told her to be patient.

    February 6 was the day. It was freezing cold and snowing.
    Mandy had suggested going to Duke Gardens as they were planning what to do that
    day. They almost didn’t go because of the snow, but still went after a strong
    suggestion from Mandy’s mom. They both took their cameras in to take pictures
    of the scenery and each other.

     It was freezing, but kind of romantic. Mandy
    didn’t know this, but as they were walking, Jad was trying to find the perfect
    spot to propose. They had stood under a lovely gazebo earlier, and Jad led her
    back up there to take a different route later on. 


    Outside of the gazebo was a
    quote from Francis Bacon: God almighty first planted a garden. And
    indeed, it is the purest of human pleasures.  After reading it, Jad pulled three red roses
    from his jacket. The roses, all varying in the amount of bloom, represented the
    past, present and future or their relationship. Jad said some poetic words
    about him and Mandy and how much he loved her. At that moment, a huge crowd of
    people walked by. It was very embarrassing, so Mandy and Jad walked into the
    gazebo as they were passing by. Then Jad continued. He talked about how their
    relationship started out in a garden and implied that they were going to take their
    next major steps in a garden as well. He said many beautiful things, but did
    not get to the point quickly. It embarrassed Mandy and she shyly nodded and
    smiled, adding little interjections. He did not get on his knee when he made it
    known that he wanted to marry Mandy, but she was very willing. Then, he said
    that he also had something for her in his pocket that he’d had for about a
    month now. Jad took it out of his pocket, and got down on his knee to present
    it to Mandy. She wanted to take the ring out, but he put it on her. It was
    beautiful and Mandy was overwhelmed with happiness. She started to tear up and
    realized the wait was worth it.

    Our first picture together as an engaged couple.


    Mandy and Jad started their married life together March 6,
    2010 and were married by President Milton under the same gazebo where Jad had
    proposed exactly a month earlier.


    Though getting married at that time and that place was unexpected, Mandy and Jad were still so happy to be married and start their lives together. 

                It was a perfect day to become the Al-Bjaly family.


                                 

     
    Our little Al-Bjaly family has grown by two in the last five years, with the births of Rigel and Kamren. We have also been sealed in the temple for all eternity, put Jad through life-threatening surgery, bought our first house, seen Jad become a citizen of our great nation, gotten a dog, started a blog, put Jad in school onto a new career path, and mourned the loss of family members, including his grandmother and my aunt. 
    I am amazed that we have gone through so many trials, tests of faith, and triumphs. I love my husband and my family with all my heart, and look forward to the next five, and fifty years. 

  • All my love always, Betsy

    I see at my dad a lot, so he doesn’t call me very often. He did today, though, at 11:08 AM. He proceeded to tell me something I never expected to hear: that my Aunt Betsy, his youngest sister, had passed away.

    When he told me, I was really surprised. I knew that she had a lot of health problems, such as symptomatic cirrhosis and hypo/hyper insomnia, but we had literally just seen her on December 27, not even two weeks ago. 

    I was so sorry to hear that she was gone, but mostly for my dad. I know he and Betsy had a very special relationship. 

    We talked about what a blessing it was that we were able to see her before she died, and also that we know that she is okay. We know she is in no pain. We know that she is happy. We know that she is safe. We know we will see her again.

    I told my dad I loved him and that I would help in any way I could. 

    It has been several hours since he called, and only now, at 3 in the afternoon, after I am at home and my kids are finally napping, is it hitting me. 

    I am really sad that Betsy is gone. The tears have come to me, and the grief.

    Over the years we have actually rarely seen Betsy. She hasn’t been a huge part of my life, at least in person. Up until a couple weeks ago, I don’t think I had seen her since I graduated from high school in 2002.

    However, she has become very special to me, especially this year as she has taken a loving interest in my family. She has been one of my most devoted Facebook followers. She has almost always commented on my pictures, read my blog posts, and sent me messages asking how my family and I were doing. 

    We talked a lot about faith too. Betsy was definitely a woman of God. I always felt uplifted talking to her. 

    I was just reading through some of the Facebook messages she has sent me since 2009, and I want to post some of the things she said. It might help you see what a wonderful woman she was:

    8/4/09 (Her first message to me) – Uh, Color Me a Little Blonde (and stupid)!!!
    Was going through facebook today and it occured to me as I was going through my “new friends request” that it was you that emailed some time ago and asked to be added!  Believe it or not, I did not remember that your last name was Lewis, so I never linked the 2 names together.  Boy do I feel stupid!  


    Meanwhile, I hope you visit with your friend was/is (not sure how long the stay was scheduled for) going well and that you learned even more about each other and that Casey enjoyed the visit just as well!  Give the little guy a big kiss and the rest of the family all of my love and best wishes!


    Love you all!
    Betsy

    8/8/09 (Here she is actually talking about a relationship I was in at the time) – I am so happy for you!  With all that you have to give (beauty, brains and a very loving heart), it was just a matter of time before you finally found the man that you deserve!  Meanwhile, I will be awaiting my invitation!!! You have a nice weekend too, and give the little man a big hug from me please!  And, once again, I am just so happy for you!  I wish you could see the great big smile I am wearing right now!

    8/10/09 – Hopefully, this New Year will be the beginning of the life you and Casey deserve and were  meant to live! Thanks for giving Casey my hug!  Now I’m sending one to you out of pure joy and happiness!

    8/12/09 – Happy the-day-before Friday’s Eve!  (Me and my friends used to have all kinds of ways of celebrating each and every day of the week that coiuld include the word Friday!”  I’ll let you know others as they come to me… Believe it or not, as useless as they were, and for reasons I cannot explain, they always made Friday appear so much more spectacular in the neighborhood!  LOL!  Hope the rest of your week is well!

    2/28/10 (This is right after Jad and I got engaged) – My first comment on the pending nuptuals…I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU, MANDY, AND FOR CASEY TOO!  You make a very beautiful couple!!  

    3/16/10 (This is not long after Jad and I got married) – I shall write a bit more down the road!  Wouldn’t dream of taking away one extra minute from your honeymoon phase!!!  After that, you are hereby required to provide details!!!!!  LOL!!!

    3/10/12 (This was a few months after Jad’s liver surgery) – With every passing day that I get the pleasure of seeing you on my screen, I am reminded just how stunningly beautiful you are!  I hope the family is well, and that Jad has gotten past the bumps in the road since his surgery!  Love you, Betsy

    4/22/14 – I wish we chatted more.  I read your posts all of the time, but figure you have enough to do to read too many comments.  I do try to always “like” them though.  

    5/6/14 – Believe it or not, I was there when you were born. and I was there for your first Birthday!  Your parents probably do not remember all of this, but these were very significant days in my life and watching over you and Aaron when you were so small meant the world to me!  It touches my heart deeply as you go through these experiences with your own children!  Again, I hold you high, Mandy!  You are a fine woman indeed!

    5/28/14 –  I just had to drop you a note to tell you what I ran across today…the booklet from your High School Graduation Ceremony.  If you think about it, the date on that goes against all things in time.  You graduated from High School year before last, and then there was that college thing, and then you had three very different sized triplet boys last year, and I turned 30 last month!  Hum…  LOL!  Had to share!  Time sure does fly!  … I only hope I am around to watch you smiling that way when you start having grandchildren and great grandchildren!… I am like a cat!  Nine lives and then some! 

    7/23/14 –  I will never be able to work again as long as I am alive.  But, I do not want you to feel sorry for me.  I was blessed enough to work at my life’s dream profession for 13 years and never had a bad day at work in my life!  

    11/8/14 – As must share on “Are You There God?”  Not to long ago, I was having trouble with my blood pressure and I was alone.  I knew that my blood pressure machine needed batteries, but I needed to go to the drugstore to get my medication.  As I grabbed my keys and wallet (and my dog, of course), I felt this horrible tightness in my chest and did not know if I was safe to drive.  I came back in the house, laid flat on my bed with my blood pressure machine and asked God to give me just one more reading out of those batteries so that I would know what to do!  Well you know he answered my prayer and I got my reading!  That how awesome our God is!  But, the best part was when I tried to take it again.  The battery light flashed at me like a neon sign!  I looked up to the Heaven’s and spoke to God and started giggling a little bit, and said, you are not only an awesome God, you have a pretty good sense of humor too!  The tightness in my chest subsided a bit and I felt safe enough to go get my medication, and even went McDonald’s to get my baby her favorites:  Chicken Nuggets and an ice cream cone!  How does one go through life with all that evidence and not believe?  Meanwhile, you guys have a great time.  I love you.

    12/9/14 – after much consideration, prayer and thought, I have decided that while moving to Florida may very well contribute the “quality” of my life, the thought of maybe never seeing my Parents (I include Barb in this category for sure), my brothers, my nieces and nephews and the beautiful families that they have made together are just not worth me living maybe one extra year!  Your father and I are so much alike in so many ways, so I think you will understand that when my doctor told me that it was the best thing for me to do for my health, I immediately proceeded to do as I was told.  Made arrangements to move to Florida.  Well, at the end of the day, that is clearly not the right thing to do.  Without my loved ones, I have NO QUALITY of life,  Pain and side effects of various illnesses are something that I have been dealing with for a long, long time.  I can do that.  Leave Roy in Richmond with no one, leave everyone in NC, and maybe never see my Mom again?  I can’t do that! 

    12/11/14 – Enjoying you more and more each and every day!  I cannot put my emotions into words, but I sure do know how my heart feels.  Your life just changes when special people open their hearts whole-heartedly,  unconditionally and let you in! 

    12/30/14 – I just saw these pictures from the weekend.  I sure did have a good time!  And, I felt a million times better after I took that brace off of my stomach when me and your Dad got to the nursing home!  It makes me look pregnant, and is quite cumbersome.  It wraps around me like 2 and a half times!  You probably cannot tell where it is, but every third line in my shirt is one of the strips in the three, vertical layer brace.  All of the other pictures turned out great as well!  Looks like everybody had a great time!  And it especially looked like Grandma did some serious baking!  Yum!!!  I am so loving the baby feeding Aaron!  That is too sweet!  Good stuff!  Thanks for sharing!  Love you!

    1/1/15 (Her last message to me) – it was such joy, Mandy.  My heart was so full

    Not only was she loving, kind, funny, and encouraging, she also gave great advice on things like baking, sleep habits, and cross country road trips.

    Betsy was also so supportive of my blogging. On November 6, 2014, I asked my blog readers for input on a good subject to write about. Betsy was the only one who responded and she said this:

    WE have very little control over what happens in our life! But we are in charge of our Memories! Quit hanging on to the bad ones and take away everything positive that ever happened while you were being miserable. I am not going into detail, but I have a lot to be afraid of, people I should despise, blah, blah, blah. I still choose to only remember that they were in my life because I made that decision, and that is what I took with me when I walked away from the drama. The only memories I kept were the ones that I was fond of, and have even let some of them back into my life! Live today and every day differently than the one you lived yesterday! Otherwise, you have no chance to experience to experience something beautiful today, nor do you stand a chance for a better day tomorrow. I hope this helps you find a thought.

    This lovely comment from her sparked the idea for this blog post:

    http://makinglifeablisscomplete.blogspot.com/2014/11/let-memory-live-again.html?spref=fb

    After I posted it and thanked her for the inspiration, she lovingly remarked: 

    It was my pleasure! As I have said many times, in my life, I have experienced and witnessed a great deal of tragedy. Little did I know that they were the beginnings of some of my life’s greatest Blessings!

    So you see, though I don’t have a lot of memories physically being with my Aunt Betsy, she has been there for me for years. 

    On the ride home from my friend’s house today, Rigel spilled a lot of crackers and raisins on the floor. As I was cleaning them up, I came across a bag. I looked inside, and in it were Mike and Ikes that my dad gave the kids the day we saw Betsy at the park, and more preciously, the Christmas card Betsy had given my family. 

    I saw it as a tender mercy from Heavenly Father that I would find the card on the day I found out she died. I am so grateful that I was able to read it and look at it again. She told me that day we saw her that she chose the card just for us, and knew it was the perfect card. 

    Betsy, I am grateful that I have your love always. I know you are still with us now, cheering us on, and watching over us. I know I will see you again. All my love always, my dear aunt. 

  • What I told my son when he asked me about bullying

    Bully: a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

    Last week my 9-year-old approached me and asked me if a certain word was a bad word. He was asking because a kid on the bus last year used to call him that over and over. He hadn’t really known if it was bad, and that was why he hadn’t told me about it before.

    I told him it indeed was a bad word, and that it was wrong for the kid to say that to him. I told my son he should never use that word, and that if a kid says something like that again, that he should tell his bus driver immediately, and talk to me or his dad about it after school.

    Then, Sunday, he came up to me again and wanted to talk about it some more. I asked him what specifically he wanted to talk about, and he wasn’t sure. So, I took a deep breath, said a silent prayer for guidance, and found myself saying:

    You should have compassion on kids who use bad language,  are mean, or make fun of you.

    Why do kids do these things? There are many reasons: they have friends or family who set bad examples; they don’t feel loved or encouraged at home; they are abused by parents or other family members; they have been bullied before; their media choices champion bullying; they don’t have many friends;  they don’t know that you or they are children of God; they don’t realize that true joy comes from helping and loving others. It could be any of these reasons, or others.

    Look at the list. Though their behavior should not be excused, they are not just bullies. They have pain and struggles too.

    That being said…

    You are not what these kids say you are. You can get to a point where you won’t feel bad when kids are mean to you.

    It is so important not to believe what bullies say. They don’t know you. They either pinpoint one quality they don’t like about you and define you by it, or they make something up just for laughs and to see you flinch. Do not let someone who doesn’t care about you define who you are.

    Just say to yourself, I know that this isn’t who I am. I am a child of God. I have a family who loves me. I have good friends. I do my best in school. I am not going to let this bother me. I am not going to let them pull me down and try to change me. I know my self-worth.

    Don’t let someone else try to change you.

    Sometimes kids take it to heart when people say mean things. If they are bullied about their clothes, they want to wear cooler, nicer clothes. If they are bullied about being nice to an unpopular kid, they stop being nice to that kid. If they are bullied about being helpful in class, they stop helping their teacher. Some kids even think that if they become bullies, they can then escape bullying.

    Don’t bend to them. They will not suddenly be your friend if you change. They will just laugh and realize they have exercised power over you.

    Always remember you are special. Remember what matters. Remember who you are.

    Kids will always find a way to make fun, whether it is clothes, body type, intellect, values.
    Sometimes kids make fun of qualities that are good.

    Oftentimes, kids bully because they are jealous. That is why they sometimes make fun of good things, like being a nice person or doing well in school. Never assume that you are doing something wrong if you are bullied.

    Don’t lie to avoid being made fun of.

    As a teen I remember sometimes lying about silly things, like saying I had two pairs of the same jeans when in reality I wore the same pair two days in a row. I lied many times in high school when I was asked out on dates and I wasn’t 16 yet. Every time I lied it was because I was afraid of the mockery, the gossip and the finger-pointing at my expense.

    You should never lie. What I did was wrong. I may have avoided one wrong, but I invited another. Have integrity. Tell the truth and don’t be ashamed of it.

    Never pick a fight.

    If bullying goes beyond harsh words, and a kid wants to fight you, you should not engage in a fight. If a kid hits you, defend yourself if you must. Do not get angry and do not continue the fight. Make sure to tell a teacher and always tell the truth.

    Not all mean words are curse words. Never call kids bad names.

    Never use curse words, whether in conversation or to bully. There are other words that are not necessarily curse words, but are meant to put others down. For example, when I was in school, I was often called a “goody goody” because I got good grades and helped my teacher willingly. Basically, don’t use any words that have a damaging intent.

    When someone else is being bullied, you should take a stand.

    Sometimes when you see a kid being bullied, you might be afraid to do or say anything for fear of retaliation. You never have to be afraid to do the right thing, though, and showing support for a victim is always a good thing. Ask the mean kids to stop. If they don’t, talk to the kid and make sure he/she is okay. Be that kid’s friend, even if it means you are also made fun of. Think of what good you can do.

    If you set an example by not being mean, and not participating in bullying, others may follow.

    Not all kids want to bully, or be quiet when they see it. They are just afraid. If they see you standing up for others, you will be surprised how many will follow you instead of the bully. You be a force for good.

    You can talk to me and your dad any time, about anything.

    There is nothing that you can’t talk to us about. We will be understanding. We will listen. We will give you a hug. We will talk you through it. We will pray with you and for you.

    We love you. You are a good boy. Thank you for coming to me and talking about this today.