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  • The Biggest lessons we learn come from the Smallest people we love

    “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3–4).
    Jesus loves and cherishes little children. God has commanded us to bear children when we are able. The greatest joys we will ever experience will be within our own homes with our little ones.
    As we conceive and bear children, we are creators of life. Our children come to us as soft, adorable, innocent babies. We love them with a true love we could never describe. As we feel this overwhelming love, we get a small taste of the love God must have for each of us.
    Our little ones rely on us for most everything they need, as we should rely on our Savior for our spiritual needs. Our children love us and trust us more than anyone, which is the relationship we should have with our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.
    One of the reasons we are commanded to bear and raise children is so we learn firsthand how to become like little children, who:
    Find beauty and wonder in everything.
    Children never get so busy or distracted that they forget to gaze at the sky, listen to the birds sing, watch the bugs crawl, pet the animals, or smell the flowers. They are truly grateful for all of God’s creations.
    Value the simple things in life.
    Little kids don’t need much to be happy. They need food to fill their tummies, clothing to keep them warm, a bed to rest in, simple toys to play with, and most importantly, family to love and comfort them. They don’t find joy in material things, but rather in their experiences with those they love most. They smile and laugh more than anyone else because they are satisfied.
    Thirst for knowledge, and are teachable.
    Children are curious, and they always have questions. They want to learn new information.  My kids would read books all day if they could, for they are learning new words, learning about different animals, and learning how friends help each other.
    They also want to learn how to do more things – things we do.  When we are cooking dinner, they want to stir the noodles or crack the eggs.  When we are picking the tomatoes from the garden, they want to help pick them too. They want us to teach them how to play sports, how to do magic tricks, how to play the piano.
    Our kids trust us to teach them what they want and need to know. We have a great responsibility as parents to teach them the right things.
    Are Active.
    As parents, we wish our little ones would just sit still and not always want to do something. What a great trait, though, that they always want to be learning, doing, experimenting, accomplishing.  If we teach them to sit around and play video games and watch TV all day, they may learn to do that, but it is not in their natural characters to vegetate. They thrive off of physical and mental stimulation.
    Love themselves.
    Little children are comfortable in their own skins. They aren’t embarrassed by their traits or personalities. They are themselves, and they love it.
    They seem to most enjoy being themselves around their siblings. They can be anyone and do anything when they are with each other.
    Make friends wherever they go.
    Once children get to an age where they start playing with others, they make friends easily. They have conversations with, and play with any kid they meet. They don’t judge by looks, age, or circumstance, and they don’t think they are too good to play with certain kids. They just see a chance to have fun together.
    Love unconditionally, give willingly, and forgive immediately.
    Little children can love anyone. They do not hold grudges. They forgive as quickly as they get angry.
    One of the sweetest things about my kids is that when they get in trouble, they want me to hug and kiss them and hold them, even though I was the one doing the disciplining. It makes it impossible for me to stay angry, and their
    unconditional love permeates through me, softening my heart.
    They also are so sweet to share their food with us, or to do nice things for other family members, like draw pictures or just give sweet kisses. Casey has gotten to an age now where he wants to buy gifts for special occasions, when he can. He bought Rigel a toy for his birthday, and this past Valentine’s Day, he bought Jad and I some candy.
    Want to be around us all the time.
    Our children cherish us. They want to be with us. They want us around to help them with their needs, to give them kisses and hugs, and just to be in the same room as them. There is nobody they would rather cuddle with, nobody they would rather comfort them when they are sad, nobody they would rather sing to them, talk to them, or tell them stories.
    My children ask about their daddy every day when he is at work or school. They are sad when he won’t be with them that day, and they pray for him. They also don’t like it those times when I am not there to put them to bed. As parents, we are everything to our little ones.
    Desire our approval.
    They get upset when we are upset with them. They want us to be proud of them. That is why they proudly show us the picture they drew, or tell us the cool thing that happened at school that day, or show us their empty dinner plate when they eat all their food.
    Can tell when we are sad, and want to make it better.
    Children’s priorities and countenances change when they see that their strong mother or father is sad.
    All my kids, even my oldest, are so discerning. When I cry, or appear low, they will ask me what is wrong with the cutest concern in their tones and eyes. They then proceed to hug me, kiss me, and tell me they love me in the ways they know how. That really does make it all better.
    Teach us to be better.
    We often hear the phrase “From the mouths of babes.” It is true. Little ones say the most profound truths – truths that are so simple, but so essential.
    My son, Rigel, when I am upset, will always ask, “Mommy, can you please be happy?” or “Mommy, can you please be happy with me?” This always stops me in my tracks. If I am distracted with something unimportant, Kamren
    will take my hand and lead me to play with him or read him a book. My oldest, Casey, though not so little anymore, will have the most wonderful gospel conversations with me. He teaches me lessons he has learned from reading his scriptures.
    Are honest.
    Little children don’t say what they think we want to hear. They call things exactly as they see them.  They are still working on tact, but what a great example they bring. It is true sometimes children lie when they are afraid of getting in trouble, but they don’t do it for any other reason. They don’t want to hurt anyone, and they aren’t trying to betray trust. As a matter of fact, when they realize that is the reaction, they are usually heartbroken.
    Follow a lot of rules, just because we tell them to.
     
    We give our children many rules, ranging from cleanliness, to good manners, to safety, to kindness, to routine. We spend much of our day enforcing them. Our children sometimes choose not to obey the rules, but much of the time, they do what we ask, even if they don’t understand why, because they love us and trust us.
    Have the light of Christ in their eyes.
    Little children are the most precious angels in our lives. They are pure. They are the most like Christ of any other people on this earth. Their countenances shine with His light.
    Jesus has commanded us to be like little children for all of these reasons and more. He wants us to apply their sweet traits into our interactions with others, as well as our devotion to and trust in God.
    Sometimes we don’t see all the wonderful things about our little ones because, in our day-to-day lives, there may be an abundance of tantrums, messes and disobedience. I truly believe that these are mingled into our lives to help
    us feel a little of what our Father in Heaven feels when we do not listen to, obey, or show love to Him. However, His love never falters and He never gives up on us.
    We must always appreciate and love our children, as they are little, and as they grow. They bring us true happiness.

  • You are Replaceable

    On January 25, 2011, I had my sweet baby boy, Rigel. Up until that day, I had been working full time at the AICPA, and had been, ironically, since January 25, 2007. When Jad and I knew we were going to have a baby, we started discussing what should be done.

     

    Very pregnant me in January 2011

    By January, after much contemplation and prayer, I was pretty sure I would not be returning to work after Rigel was born. I planned to start working from home a couple weeks before my due date to avoid going into labor at work, which was a good excuse to clean out my desk and cubicle very well just in case I wouldn’t be back. I also was going to have three months of maternity leave, and wanted to give paperwork to the right people, and effectively train the two individuals who would be doing my humongous workload when I was gone.

    After Rigel was born, and I held him and cuddled him, it wasn’t long before I knew I really wanted to stay home with him and my older son, Casey. I wanted to be a full time mother, to see my children grow and be there for every special moment.

     

    Rigel and I right after he was born.

     

    Newborn Rigel and I at home.

    I sent an email to my senior manager a month into my leave, expressing that I would not be able to return full time, but that I was willing to come to work part time if there was an opening. I don’t have a copy of the reply, but it wasn’t what I was hoping to read. I was denied the opportunity to come back, and I don’t recall any warmth or appreciation being expressed either.

    This was my Facebook status after I got the reply. I was crushed, but I was so appreciative to my friends who commented on that status, helping me know that I would be missed.

     

    Mandy Al-Bjaly

     

    February 24, 2011 ·

    is thrilled to be able to stay home with her babies, but didn’t realize how hard it would be to say goodbye to good old AICPA. I was hoping for a part-time position, but was told no.
    Like · Comment · 

     

    April 11, 2011 was the day I went to the AICPA as an employee for the last time. That was the longest elevator ride I had ever taken,this time with my husband and infant. It was the day I would have to clean out my laptop and the rest of my desk, say goodbye to all my friends and associates, and turn in my badge. The exit interview was very emotional, and I felt a part of me was missing when I walked out of those doors to my car, knowing I would never go to another meeting, QA another call, write another page of documentation, or laugh (very loudly) with the people I had grown to admire and love so much.

     

    My team decorated my cubicle the day I found out I was having a boy – 8/30/10

    I have been gone from the AICPA for four years, the same amount of time I worked there. When I see pictures of my old coworkers at work, I truly miss the conference rooms, cubicles, and the giving, fun-loving nature of my coworkers.

     

    Christine, a friend and member of my team, threw me a work baby shower at her home – 12/4/10

    I miss walking with members of my team during their 15-minute breaks. I miss sitting in the diner eating lunch, though sometimes I would only be there for a few minutes until I had another meeting. I miss team meetings, the birthday parties we celebrated, the one on ones. I even miss the meetings with management, from my department and others (except for the QA meetings. I never liked those).

    I learned so many things from my time at the AICPA – nine months as a specialist doing inbound calls, and over three years as a supervisor of different teams. I went from Phone Response supervisor, to Phone and Email Response supervisor, to Outbound Service and Retention supervisor, consisting of three groups doing three very different functions. It was challenging. At one point I had 13 specialists reporting to me. In my last supervisor role, I also worked very closely with the IT department and the Member Value department. I was constantly writing and editing documentation too.

    During those four years at the AICPA, I learned so many valuable lessons, many of which I continue to incorporate on a personal level:

    Always be kind to members/customers, even if they are unkind to you.

    I remember once a member was so mean to me that I started crying. My supervisor got on the phone and took over for me, defending me, saying I was doing all I could, and the member should not take his frustrations out on someone who was only trying to help him.

    In this job position, I was always taught to stay kind and respectful regardless of how I was being treated on the phone. Phone and email specialists are the face of the AICPA, and our professionalism weighs heavily on the perception people have of our organization.

    Ironically, the members and customers who got the angriest usually got what they wanted – something they didn’t deserve. At what cost, though? Crushing a specialist’s self-esteem, bullying your way to what you want, and being talked about in the office as a difficult member?

    Kindness and courtesy go a long way on both ends.

    If you hold yourself to a high standard of excellence, you will be asked to do more. As you take on more responsibilities, and do them well, this will lead to greater opportunities.

    I was thrilled to be promoted to supervisor after only nine months of being a specialist. It was such an honor, and I think one of the reasons I got promoted was because I was constantly asking for special projects to do. I expressed interest in learning more and doing more, all the while doing my best in my required functions.

    To be most efficient in a work environment, you must also have fun.

    This was something I feel I did well. I always had names for my teams. My first team was the Phunny Pharm. We had a Pheel Good Jar where we wrote kind notes to each other before every team meeting and passed them out. It really did lift spirits. We also had snacks at every team meeting, and a game, along with business. I often brought treats to work and passed them out to anyone who wanted them. We celebrated every specialist’s birthday on my team, and I did superlatives and other recognitions. We also talked socially as a team, and just had a good time. I held everyone to a high standard, but tried to make work fun too.

    Take a break. If you work too hard, you will be too stressed to be productive.

    There would literally be days when I was a supervisor when my entire Outlook calendar was filled with meetings and other responsibilities from 8-5. I wouldn’t even had time for lunch, so I would just wolf something down at my desk. Those were terrible days, and I would always go home in a bad mood. Taking a walk, eating a lunch without distraction, and having some breather room, makes so much of a difference in the quality of your day, and your capacity to give.

    Laugh a lot. It’s contagious.

    My team, and others, used to always tease me for my very loud, bell-like laugh, a laugh that They always knew when I was coming.

    Smile and speak kindly to everyone.

    Sometimes management can be intimidating, and seen as all work and numbers. If management is kind to everyone, it levels the playing field, and also builds relationships among teams, who often tend to be competitive.

    In contrast, as you are always friendly with your superiors, they know you trust them and would go to them for guidance and advice. That helps them feel that you like and respect them, but also that you want to know more and be more than you currently do and are.

    Even if you don’t like someone, do your best to be friendly and show appreciation. This will greatly improve collaboration and cooperation.

    There were a couple people here and there over the years I didn’t like very much at work. There was one in particular who annoyed me a lot. One day, I decided to implement a new strategy, which was showing interest in her interests, complimenting her, being kind and talking to her socially, and not just in meetings. That really improved how we worked together in the future, and my respect for her grew.

    When someone comes to talk to you, stop what you are doing, and give him/her your full attention. You should not multitask when someone is speaking to you about an urgent/important matter. 

    One of my managers taught me this, and though I had so much work to do, that it was really hard to take my fingers off the keyboard, I tried to implement that advice. I can’t say I was always successful, but I do know that when I did, I got the full message the first time, and did not have to clarify a question or concern.

    Respond to requests as quickly as you can. This builds trust, and helps those you serve know you are their advocate.

    Because I had had experience with a supervisor who was not timely in answering emails, and a manager who answered emails but didn’t always answer the question, I realized the value of reading and responding to my specialists’ emails as quickly as possible. I also encouraged them to just come to my desk and talk to me personally. I tried to be as helpful and positive as possible.

    If you care about those you supervise and make their success a priority, they will be more motivated, work harder, and enjoy work more.

    I really feel strongly about this. As a supervisor or manager, you have a responsibility to make sure your team performs at a high level of efficiency and quality. Sometimes it can be easy to concentrate only on numbers, and put individuals down when they don’t perform exactly right. When you change your approach, show them individually you care about their success, ask how you can help them every day, and work with them on a regular basis, while listening to their ideas and concerns, it makes so much of a difference.

    Provide feedback in a constructive manner. Always start with positive feedback and then move on to the opportunities. Let the person know you want to help him/her succeed.

    As a supervisor, I did one on ones with each of my specialists either bi-weekly or monthly, depending on their positions. Sometimes, I had to give feedback on performance that was less than satisfactory. That is hard and intimidating. I learned, though, that if I concentrated on what they did well first, it softened my tone enough that I could give the constructive criticism in a way that wasn’t offensive. I always expressed a desire to help my employees succeed, and offered , as well as asked for, suggestions to do so.

    When someone is performing at a very low level, you work as much as you can to help him/her start meeting expectations, rather than just turning your back.

    Sometimes you will have an employee who is just awful, either with a bad attitude or really poor skills. You can’t just give up and throw in the towel. You have to be patient and work with that person in every way you can, with specific, documented steps. Sometimes people will be let go, and if that happens, you should be perfectly satisfied that you did all you could, and that you stayed their advocate until the end.

    If you are annoyed or offended, do not send that nasty email. Save it as a draft, and go back to it later, after you have calmed down and gained some perspective.

    I never got in trouble formally at work, but once, when I was still a specialist, I had taken on an additional responsibility of writing a training quiz. I got some feedback on it from a manager, that offended me, and I felt wasn’t correct. I sent a passionate email expressing my feelings. My supervisor had to speak to me about it, and I promptly apologized. From then on, I always took a breather before responding to an email that I didn’t like, or I just spoke to the person in person.

    Another point about nasty emails: I had a manager that would periodically sent me a rude email asking why something was done or wasn’t done, or why it was done in the wrong way. It would inevitably upset me, but mostly annoy me, as he was almost always incorrect in his accusations. In my management role, I tried not to do that, but rather talk to a person one on one if I had a concern.

    Be passionate, but not too passionate; don’t sweat the small stuff; and look at the bigger picture. 

    That was one of my biggest faults at the AICPA as a supervisor. When I saw injustices, especially in QA, I was very passionate about defending my cause, or the cause of one of my employees. There would inevitably be tension in the room, and often, I still didn’t get my way. You need to be passionate enough to care that things are done fairly, but also see that there are other perspectives out there other than your own. Sometimes I would sweat the small stuff by being mad that others were sweating the small stuff. That really isn’t productive.

    Don’t be afraid to express concerns, but always be respectful and provide proof to validate them.

    There were so many occasions, especially in my last supervisor role, when demands were made that just could not realistically be met. I had to speak with my senior manager often in his office about these things. I usually had reports to prove my concerns, many of which were made by one of my awesome employees. I strived to be respectful of what upper management said, but I still expressed my concerns rather than keeping them inside. I had my team to advocate for, and if I said nothing, and simply bowed down to every command, my specialists would not have respected me, and would not have wanted to come to work, knowing they couldn’t accomplish what was required of them.

    It isn’t us against them. We are all working together for a common goal. 

    I was in the Service Center during my whole four years. There would often be annoyances from my department toward the IT  department, and mostly the Member Value department. I had to learn to give the benefit of the doubt, realize every team has pressures of their own, and train myself to really believe we were all working toward a common goal. I made it a priority to just communicate better, and stay kind.

    The most profound truth I learned came after I left the AICPA, and that is that I was replaceable.

    It really hurt to know I put my heart and soul, and blood, sweat and tears into my job at the AICPA for years, and when I left, everyone moved on. Someone else took my position, and business continued as usual. I don’t know what I was expecting – management to beg me to stay perhaps.

    No matter how well you do at your job, no matter how many awards or bonuses you get, no matter how many policies and procedures you implement, no matter how many documents you write, no matter how many meetings you go to, no matter how many problems you identify and help fix, no matter how many people you train, no matter how much you are trusted to get the job done, you are replaceable in the workforce.

    It was like a punch in the gut to realize that. Now, though, I have found that truth to be a remarkable blessing. It has really reaffirmed and validated my husband’s and my decision for me to stay home and raise my children.

     

    To them, I am irreplaceable. Only I know what they desire, what they need, how to calm them down, what to sing to them, which books to read to them, what their favorite toys and blankets are. Nobody can kiss their boo boos like I can, or teach them that Jesus loves them like I can, or love them and cherish them like I can. They need me, they love me, and they miss me when I am not there. I am irreplaceable as their mother as long as I teach them in light and truth, show them love, and care for them body and soul.

    I will always cherish my time at the AICPA, especially the friendships I formed, and the lessons I learned. I will never forget any of you, and I love keeping up with you as best I can. Thank you for your examples that help me be a better person and mother.

     

  • My Favorite Love Story

    Today is Jad’s and my fifth wedding anniversary. I am so grateful to call him mine. When we were newlyweds, I wrote about our courtship. I think our story is grand. Here it is:
    Jad and Mandy met at a YSA dance in Apex, NC on April 3,
    2009. Mandy had a boyfriend at the time, but liked to go to the dances to have
    fun with friends and well, dance.  Jad
    didn’t really like going to dances, but his friends had gotten him to go a
    couple times before. He saw Mandy and was amazed at how beautiful she was. Her
    dancing also caught his attention and he knew he wanted to ask her to dance.
    They danced once that night. It was hard for Mandy to understand all that he
    said because it was loud and because he had a strong accent, but she did think
    he was cute and sweet. Jad asked Mandy for her phone number that night, but she
    said she couldn’t give it. They ended the night saying that they would
    hopefully see each other at the next dance.

    A picture of Casey and me around the time Jad and I met.

    May 1 was the next dance. Mandy had broken up with her boyfriend
    soon after the previous dance. She saw Jad as she was dancing that night, but
    he didn’t approach her for quite a while. He was pleasantly surprised when she
    remembered his name. This time Mandy paid more attention to Jad, noticing how
    good he smelled and how good-looking he was. They danced a lot that night; Jad
    asked her to dance as often as he could. He also pulled her out in the hallway
    to talk to her in the quiet and learn more about her. Mandy noticed that he
    liked to stare at her. They had a wonderful time together that night, and the
    night ended with them exchanging phone numbers.

    A few short days later, Jad and Mandy talked on the phone
    for the first time. He surprised her when he opened up quickly and told her he
    was divorced. She had been afraid to tell him about her divorce and child, but
    it was so easy to tell him. He didn’t judge her at all but told her that she
    was a wonderful person and shouldn’t be judged on her past. It was a good
    conversation. Mandy and Jad were eager to go out on their first date.

    Mandy took off work May 26 to meet Jad in Raleigh. It was a
    very exciting and fun day. They went to the Science Museum in Raleigh to see
    the Chocolate Exhibition. It was invigorating learning all about the history of
    chocolate, and the items in the gift shop were exciting and unique. Mandy got
    chocolate bubble bath and Jad got chocolate soap. They ate Chargrill for lunch
    and then went to the rose garden behind Raleigh Little Theater. 


    Jad took lots
    of pictures of Mandy with the flowers.

                       


    He thought she was beautiful.

      Mandy was flattered but embarrassed.
    She took a picture of him to make it even.
    The garden was fragrant and lovely, and helped both of them see how they liked each other.

    Then they went to the movies to see Star
    Trek. The mall was next. They looked at everything from furniture to legos.
    Then they ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Jad got Mandy to eat some of his
    dinner. This was the first time they shared a fork. Jad asked Mandy to hold his
    hand that night, and she did even though she wasn’t ready. The whole day was
    wonderful and both knew that the other was great. The night ended with a hug
    and a smile.

    Mandy and Jad continued to talk on the phone periodically.
    Jad got busy during the summer working double shifts, so they did not see each
    other at all in the summer. During that time Mandy got back together with her
    previous boyfriend when he came home on leave. She felt really bad when Jad
    emailed her about seeing her at a dance, as if he wanted to pick up where they
    had left off. She knew she had lost out on a great opportunity when he
    responded to her explanation with grace and said how he would never regret
    knowing her or spending time with her. 
    Mandy’s relationship didn’t last. She ended up telling Jad and they
    wanted to see each other again.

    September 5 was the next time they saw each other. That was
    the evening Jad met Casey. He was wonderful with Casey and Mandy loved the time
    they spent together. She learned a lot about his country’s food that day too.
    She kissed him on the cheek that night after feeling overwhelmed with how
    wonderful he was.

    The courtship continued for five months. Mandy and Jad spent
    nearly every weekend together. They took turns traveling to either Kinston or
    Hillsborough.


    Mandy knew she loved Jad October 23, the day they went to the
    state fair together.  That day she, Jad
    and Casey had such a fun time and felt like a family.  Mandy could see herself being with Jad always,
    but it took him a little longer to know.



    Mandy and Jad got to know each other’s families and spent a
    lot of time eating and doing fun activities together like going to see Phantom,



    visiting Battleship, NC and Wilmington,


    celebrating Christmas together, 
    I got custom wind chimes made for Jad. The bottom said Just like music, you soothe my soul. I love you, Jad.

    Jad got Casey a soccer ball.

    I giggled that he put From the Kitchen of Mandy and Jad. It must come true now!

    Jad drew this picture for me.
    I thought Jad’s interaction with my Nana was so adorable. If she liked him, it was even more confirmation he was wonderful.
     going to a
    formal New Year’s dance,


     bowling,


     and ice skating. 

    They had little rough patches
    along the way, but never doubted how much they cared about each other.


    After New Year’s, Mandy and Jad knew they wanted to be
    married and talked about it often. He even indicated that he had looked at
    rings. Mandy hoped every weekend that he would ask her to marry him, but for
    weeks he didn’t. She got a little upset that he was taking so long since they
    knew they wanted to be together, but he always smiled his beautiful smile and
    told her to be patient.

    February 6 was the day. It was freezing cold and snowing.
    Mandy had suggested going to Duke Gardens as they were planning what to do that
    day. They almost didn’t go because of the snow, but still went after a strong
    suggestion from Mandy’s mom. They both took their cameras in to take pictures
    of the scenery and each other.

     It was freezing, but kind of romantic. Mandy
    didn’t know this, but as they were walking, Jad was trying to find the perfect
    spot to propose. They had stood under a lovely gazebo earlier, and Jad led her
    back up there to take a different route later on. 


    Outside of the gazebo was a
    quote from Francis Bacon: God almighty first planted a garden. And
    indeed, it is the purest of human pleasures.  After reading it, Jad pulled three red roses
    from his jacket. The roses, all varying in the amount of bloom, represented the
    past, present and future or their relationship. Jad said some poetic words
    about him and Mandy and how much he loved her. At that moment, a huge crowd of
    people walked by. It was very embarrassing, so Mandy and Jad walked into the
    gazebo as they were passing by. Then Jad continued. He talked about how their
    relationship started out in a garden and implied that they were going to take their
    next major steps in a garden as well. He said many beautiful things, but did
    not get to the point quickly. It embarrassed Mandy and she shyly nodded and
    smiled, adding little interjections. He did not get on his knee when he made it
    known that he wanted to marry Mandy, but she was very willing. Then, he said
    that he also had something for her in his pocket that he’d had for about a
    month now. Jad took it out of his pocket, and got down on his knee to present
    it to Mandy. She wanted to take the ring out, but he put it on her. It was
    beautiful and Mandy was overwhelmed with happiness. She started to tear up and
    realized the wait was worth it.

    Our first picture together as an engaged couple.


    Mandy and Jad started their married life together March 6,
    2010 and were married by President Milton under the same gazebo where Jad had
    proposed exactly a month earlier.


    Though getting married at that time and that place was unexpected, Mandy and Jad were still so happy to be married and start their lives together. 

                It was a perfect day to become the Al-Bjaly family.


                                 

     
    Our little Al-Bjaly family has grown by two in the last five years, with the births of Rigel and Kamren. We have also been sealed in the temple for all eternity, put Jad through life-threatening surgery, bought our first house, seen Jad become a citizen of our great nation, gotten a dog, started a blog, put Jad in school onto a new career path, and mourned the loss of family members, including his grandmother and my aunt. 
    I am amazed that we have gone through so many trials, tests of faith, and triumphs. I love my husband and my family with all my heart, and look forward to the next five, and fifty years. 

  • If couples cleave, they won’t want to leave

    An abridged version of this post can be found on familyshare.com.
    Cleave: To adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly
    But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
    For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
    And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
    What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:6-9).
    *twain means two
    I have been pondering this verse, and the many other renditions of it throughout the scriptures. This
    word, cleave, has been burned into my mind.
    When spouses cleave to each other, they become united.
    Elder Henry B. Eyring made this profound statement, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together.
    That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”
    After much studying, and pondering on my own life, here are some ways I have found to cleave to your spouse:
    Spend quality time together.
    Physically, we need to be close as husband and wife. We most likely cannot spend most of our day
    together, because of work, chores, our children’s needs and well-being,  but when we do have that time, we should make it a special time.
    For each couple, it could be different. In my marriage, I don’t count doing chores or necessary tasks as spending quality time together. Talking together about important issues or planning activities is a little better, but often times feels too business-like. The times when I feel closest to my husband are when we can put the stress of life behind us, and really relax, laugh, and enjoy each other. The love we share has time to shine through, and we are closer
    physically and emotionally.
    For example, recently we pulled out old photo albums and perused the pictures from our dating and early married life. It was so fun, and even tender, to revisit some of those beautiful memories.
    During the times we can’t be exclusively together, Jad and I still feel close as we talk to each other on the phone or text each other, letting each other know “you are in my thoughts.” When we are spending time with the kids at home or elsewhere, we still try to smile, laugh, and show affection so we feel close to each other.
    I wish I could say I was perfect in this aspect of cleaving. I am not. I have had to make a conscious effort to hold hands with my husband, or hug him and kiss him throughout the day, because by nature, I am not super affectionate or clingy.
    When we have company over (like my family), or we are at a large gathering, I often flit away to talk to my mom or chat with a friend, leaving Jad behind for sometimes extended periods. My husband has been good at telling me that he feels better if I hold his hand and stay near him on walks, or frequently come around him during large gatherings.
    This makes sense, because he should always feel he is the greatest company I could ever ask for. And he is.
    Sometimes, though, as a stay-at-home mom, I feel that I really need a break for my sanity. Occasionally I will go to a girl’s night, or book club, or church activity. It rejuvenates me, and lifts my spirits, helping me be a better wife and mother. I think it is healthy for husbands and wives to get some time away. As long as you discuss together your desires and expectations regarding time together and away, you are still cleaving to one another.
    Make your own traditions.
    It is so important to discuss what works best in your marriage and family for parenting, traditions, finances, etc. Sometimes you have to let go of traditions and ways set forth by your parents and grandparents, for though they may have been good, they may not be best for your family. Some traditions may not have been good, and also need to be left behind.
    Jad and I come from very different cultures. He is Jordanian and I am American. Americans are more likely to leave their parents and be independent. Jordanians feel strongly about taking care of their parents, and don’t think twice about living with them, even after they are married.
    When Jad and I were dating seriously, we took a walk one day and he seriously asked me if we got married, if I would consider letting his mother live with us. As you can imagine, I was strongly opposed, mostly because I felt we would need to focus on strengthening our new little family. He accepted my answer, and not long after, proposed to me.
    There has been quite a bit of tension with Jad’s family because he left behind the Greek Orthodox traditions that his family has followed for so long. He and I have decided together to raise our family in LDS traditions. We are at peace with this decision, but sometimes there can be awkwardness with members of his family who do not understand.
    Some other things we haven’t taken directly from our families are the things we do on Sundays, the shows we watch, the food we eat, the clothes we wear, what we put in our bodies, etc. We have different standards for many things.
    Jad and I discipline our kids differently than was done in my family and his family. We are harder on them in some ways and easier on them in others. Our kids are different. Our personalities are different. Our dynamics together are different.
    We have also gotten degrees and furthered our education, where many people in our families never did.
    Sometimes it can be hard to live differently than your parents taught you. It can be difficult to figure out which family traditions you will keep, which you will discard, and which you will combine. What will you make new?
    Some traditions we have held on to from our families are our love of eating big meals and socializing with our family and friends.
    Jad and I have both learned to love different sweets- for him, brownies, cookies and cakes, and for me, knafeh and baklava.
    We are great lovers of music. We help others and give of our time and excess. We are thrifty and work hard. We laugh hard and tell great stories – sometimes over and over again.
    We also embrace the Jordanian culture, and love wearing traditional clothing, eating traditional dishes, and listening to and dancing to traditional music.
    By counseling as a couple what works best for you, both of you will be satisfied with the changes that come.
    Be faithful and true to your spouse.
    “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto
    her and none else. “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after
    her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents
    not he shall be cast out” (    Doctrine and Covenants 42:22-23).
    This applies to me as much as it applies to my husband. Women and men can both be tempted to stray. I have thought a lot about how to prevent this. I don’t think any person wakes up one morning with the intent to commit adultery, nor do I think adultery is the only way to be unfaithful.
    I have created rules for myself to help me stay always faithful to my husband:
    1. I will not flirt with any other man. I won’t go to places or be a member of sites where there are men and women looking for companionship.
    2. I will not dote on how attractive another man is, even celebrities. I will not compare my husband to other men and wish he was more like them.
    3. I will not read books or magazines, watch movies or videos, or listen to music that spark sexual feelings from within. To me, it is wrong to be imagining sexual behavior that doesn’t involve me with my spouse.
    4. I will not be alone with another man, in a car or elsewhere, with the exception of church interviews.
    5. I will not confide in another man (or anybody) any problems I am having in my marriage, for that opens myself up to vulnerability. Those conversations are only meant for my husband and me.
    Some of you may think these rules are a little too strict, and some of the things I mentioned are harmless. I think that is up to the individual to determine, but for me, all of the rules above will help me avoid lustful temptation of any kind. That makes it worth it to me.
    Learn to love your differences.
    Differences can at first glance seem to be an annoyance. “Why can’t he be more like this?” “Why can’t she do that?” “It is so obvious to me that..” “It would be so much easier if he would just…”
    When differences start to annoy, it would be wise to look within. “Am I perfect? Do I do everything excellently? Am I the best parent and spouse in the world? Am I better than my spouse?”
    The answer will always be no, won’t it?
    If you look at differences in a positive way, you excitedly see that where you lack, he excels, and vice versa. You complete each other. You help each other grow. You give each other perspective.
    Jad can throw a fantastic meal together without a recipe. I need a recipe, so I am the better baker.

    He is the fun, silly, energetic, let them stay up dad. I am the organized, kiss their booboos, read them an endless amount of books, sing them songs, help them with their homework mom. We both have ideas on how best to teach and correct.

    He creates, builds, fixes, beautifies. I sing, write, speak publicly with ease.
    He would rather clean bathrooms and sweep and mop the floor. I prefer to put the toys away, wash the dishes, and do laundry.
    I help him with his grammar. He helps me remember to smile.
    Our differences are things to appreciate, to admire, and sometimes even to laugh at.
    There are some things that aren’t easy with being different, like maybe how we communicate or show affection or handle conflict. That is okay! It is a challenge, but if you talk together about your desires and needs, and go to the Lord for help, you will be blessed.
     Only speak kindly of your spouse to others.
    When you first get married, you feel blissful and complete. You see yourself as the luckiest person on earth, with the best spouse you could ever ask for.
    Then reality sets in.
    You get comfortable with each other, and faults and idiosyncrasies start to emerge. Witnessing a bad habit day after day, week after week, year after year, can be maddening.
    You start to expect more and see less as life gets busier. You start to take things for granted that you used to appreciate.
    You get less patient and less forgiving.
    Then you really want to tell your friends and family about it, so they can tell you how right you are and how wrong he is.
    This reaction is natural, but is it right? Does it help? Does it help us cleave to our spouse?
    I really try hard not to ever speak ill of my husband. It feels wrong. It fills me with feelings like bitterness, anger, and irritation. It fills me with thoughts that I am better than him, he isn’t good enough for me, I do more than he does for the family, and I don’t deserve  what he does to me. It blinds me from my own faults.
    When I hear other people talk badly about their spouses, I cringe. I wonder if the spouse knows any of this. I am someone who likes to hear all perspectives, and even then I try hard not to make a judgment. Many people, though, will hear one side of the story, and turn against someone, without knowing all the facts.
    friends talking outside opinion turning to friend
    I asked if speaking badly of your spouse helps you cleave to him. The answer is no; rather it helps you want to leave him. What is the other option, then?
    Speak kindly of him, even when it is hardest to do so.
    This isn’t lying and this isn’t bragging, but rather it is helping you refocus and remember all the wonderful things you love about your spouse.
    You shouldn’t ignore your concerns, though. Absolutely talk about them, but only to the one person who needs to hear them. Make sure those words are kind too.
    Communicate in a way to uplift, not degrade.
    To cleave to my husband, I need to speak well of him not only to others, but to him. I feel so happy and loved when my husband compliments me, shows an interest in my interests, rejoices in my accomplishments, and appreciates my hard labors on behalf of our family. He will often, in family prayer, ask Heavenly Father to bless me for all I do for the family and kids. I know he feels much closer to me when I do the same for him.
    L.Lionel Kendrick’s words ring so true: “Our communications reflect in our countenance. Therefore, we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate.”
    Speaking well of your spouse is a way to strengthen his soul. What about when disagreements and irritations come?
    Jad and I don’t have that many arguments or fights. When we do, though, it can be hurtful for the both of us.
    Our problems mostly lie with wanting to be right, wanting to win, not wanting to admit fault, but rather finding fault in the other (why do you do this to me?), and  not wanting to be the first to apologize.
    I call this cleaving to myself. This is selfishness. That is the opposite of unity.
    Sometimes our spouses do things that are hurtful. In my relationship, my husband is a good husband. He isn’t abusive. However, sometimes the way we say things can hurt. I can choose to get offended and explode and fume out every issue I have ever had with him, or I can breathe, tell him how I feel, and tell him I know he didn’t mean to hurt me.
    I don’t think my husband ever hurts me on purpose. I don’t ever want to hurt him either. However, my temper sometimes gets the better of me. I may yell, I may call names, I may curse, I may roll my eyes, I may be sarcastic…there are many other worse things one can do too.
    Does any of that help? No, it adds fuel to the fire and a simple argument can turn into a war.
    When you start to feel like steam is going to come out of your ears, it is time to take a step back, and remember that you love your spouse and you are on the same team. It can help in that moment, and help repair your marriage.
    When you do something wrong, apologize as soon as you recognize it. Don’t justify it, for “shattering a soul” through your choice of communication is never justified.
    Make the important decisions together.
    There are many ways to make decisions, and some decisions to be made are more crucial than others. However, when a decision to be made, whether big or small, affects your family’s lives and well-being, you and your spouse should discuss and make those decisions together.
    Obviously both of you will have an opinion. You could get argumentative, and push until you get your way. Or, you could come up with a compromise, which would leave each of you partly satisfied.
    There is an even better way, and that is to seek out God’s will for your family, for what seems right to you may not actually be right. Study your scriptures together. Pray, even fast, together. Leave it up to God’s will. When you receive an answer, you will both be completely satisfied because you will know it is what God wants for you, even if it wasn’t what you originally thought.
    Jad and I have had to make many important decisions in our marriage. One of the first was what we were going to do when we had our first child together, Rigel. I had been working full time for four years at a company I loved. I was making good money, with excellent benefits, great coworkers, and definite potential to move up in the company. Jad had been the co-owner and manager of a convenience store in Kinston for many years, travelling several days a week. He made less money with no benefits, and his store wasn’t in the safest area.
    Looking at it in my perspective, I kind of wanted to keep working. I felt my job would have been better for our family in the long run. I didn’t like the idea of being away from Casey and Rigel (I had absolutely hated putting Casey in
    daycare a few years before), but I would have been okay with it if Jad stayed home with them. Jad was such a fun dad, it would be great.
    Jad didn’t agree with me at all. He felt because he was the man, it was his responsibility to take care of the family. He had also put so much work into his business, he didn’t want to give it up and leave his uncle hanging.
    It was tough. We couldn’t very well compromise on that one. I had looked into working part time, but was told that wasn’t an option.
    So, we decided to fast and pray about it. It didn’t take long for us to feel very peaceful about me quitting my job and staying home to raise my sweet boys. My decision surprised some who thought of my success, but didn’t surprise others who knew of my values. It was hard to leave, very hard, but I have never once regretted the decision.
    Because Jad and I chose to take the road God wanted for us, we were happy with the difficult decision we made. And we are still so happy.
    This decision-making method has blessed our lives so many times. We also feel more spiritually united, and come closer to God each time we earnestly reach out to him.
    Live by “What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours.”
    If we really live by this, than we know we will cleave to each other rather than our material possessions. This also brings equality to the marriage.
    I am a stay at home mom. I don’t work outside the home anymore. My husband is the breadwinner. However, the money he brings home is OUR money. He never tells me I can’t spend it. He trusts me to use it as I see fit for the family.
    The only things we really consider “mine” would be our toothbrushes and clothes. We share just about everything else.
    Because we share our financial and other temporal resources, we are respectful of each other’s opinions on how best to use them. We stay on the same page on how to budget money, what we need and what we can wait on, and what we choose to keep or discard as we consolidate.
    We don’t worry so much about small purchases or purges, but we definitely discuss the bigger things together.
    This saying of what is yours is mine can apply to anything, even heartaches, accomplishments, and joys. When my husband is discouraged or sad, I am too. When I am excited about something, he is too. We won’t always feel the same way, but when we do, we still help and support each other.
    Jad getting his citizenship was as much of a joy to me as it was to him.
    Put each other first.
    When you are married, your spouse’s needs, wants, and happiness should be as important to you as your own.
    One way to do this is to learn about and support your spouse’s interests and hobbies.
    I love acting and performing. My husband always supports me when I want to be in a show or sing in the choir. He never complains either.
    Jad loves to come up with ways to landscape our yard. I give him free artistic license to create our garden, move things around, paint, and plant.
    I have tried to immerse myself in Arabic culture as much as possible, with the food, clothes, music and dancing. It is important to me because it is a part of him.
    He reads all of my blog posts and comments on them because he wants me to know he is proud of me and is uplifted by my words.
    Another way to put each other first is to do nice things for each other, like write love notes, plan a surprise, do something without being asked, show affection often, give a massage, be the one to get up and do something when you are both tired.
    If you give what you want to receive, your spouse will feel your love and want to do likewise.
    To put your spouse first, it is important to be sensitive to moods, desires, energy levels, and work load. That way, you can discern each other’s needs better.
    For example, perhaps you had planned for you and your spouse to do a particular activity that evening, but you see your spouse is really tired or overwhelmed. You willingly and graciously discuss a new plan with your spouse, without being resentful.
    Jad is really good at giving me breaks when I am really tired after a long day with the kids. Sometimes he will suggest I get out of the house for a while. If I decline the offer, he will just invite me to relax on the couch while he cleans
    up the dishes and plays with the kids.
    Sometimes, even if I haven’t seen Jad all day, I will give up time with him if he feels like he really needs to study. This way he will feel more prepared for his upcoming exam, and feel less anxiety.
    It is also important as spouses to stop what we are doing and just listen. Be interested in how your spouse’s day was. Talk about it. Offer comfort and support. Give needed hugs and kisses.
    There may be days when your spouse comes home from work or another activity, where it is really tempting to vent about how awful your day was, and how you are so upset. Instead of doing that, which can provoke guilt in your spouse, try to keep a positive attitude so that he can keep a positive outlook on the he had.
    Help each other with responsibilities. It could be tempting to say that it is his job, so I shouldn’t have to help. By getting up and helping wash dishes, or fold laundry, or organize the closet, your spouse can feel that you enjoy being
    with him regardless of what you are doing.
    If you see a need, do it rather than wait for your spouse to do it. This will be a load off of him, which will make you happy.
    By putting your spouse first, you grow together in love, and you both stay humble, and as President Spencer W.
    Kimball     promised: “. . . If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.”
    Love God above all else.
    This may seem contradictory to the concept of cleaving to your spouse. It isn’t!
    I looked up all the verses in the scriptures that use the word “cleave.” Not only does God command that we cleave to our spouse, He also commands:
    “Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good” (Romans 12:9).
    “Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him” (Deuteronomy 13:4). 
    Jacob, a prophet in the Book of Mormon adds a beautiful truth to the command to cleave unto God. He says: “…cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you.”
     
    Moroni, another prophet in the Book of Mormon, counsels us to “cleave unto charity,” which is the “pure love of Christ,” because “charity never faileth” (Moroni 7:46-47).
    Elder John A. Widtsoe said, “True love of man for woman always includes love of God from whom all good things issue.”
    All good things come from God. For a marriage to be strong, it needs the Lord’s blessings.
    If I love God, I want to keep His commandments. More importantly, I want to be like Him. If I am like Him, I will be a kind, compassionate, forgiving, humble, gentle, righteous, giving, understanding, patient, loving spouse.
    Isn’t that what we all need to be happy? There are many desirable qualities in a spouse, but the ones that matter most are the ones that mirror the Savior.
    Loving God above all else is the journey of a lifetime. Jad and I are working hard to cleave to God. We pray to Him sincerely night and day. We study our scriptures and the words of the prophets daily. We do our best to keep Jesus’ commandments. We attend church every Sunday, and willingly do our church responsibilities. We serve others every chance we get. We love our friends and family. We teach our children to love God and keep His commandments. We attend the temple as often as we can, and we strive to keep the covenants we have made with our Father in Heaven. We share the gospel of Christ with others. When we fall short, we repent and seek forgiveness from God and each other.
    We can always do more, and as we are spiritually united, we can help each other in the pathway to perfection.  Jad and I want to live with God eternally, and we want to be together forever as husband and wife.
    President Spencer W. Kimball promised:  “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have . . . great happiness.”
    I know that Jad and I are most happy with each other when we are spiritually in tune, and living righteously.
    The Lord has commanded that husbands and wives to cleave to each other. This commandment is meant to help us be united in righteousness, providing us with the greatest joy we could ever imagine. I love my husband, and I promise to always do my best to cleave to him, from now and through all eternity. As the Lord said, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Jad is one of my greatest treasures, and I thank God for him every day.
    us

  • The Pathway to Perfection

    President Harold B. Lee taught that: “Christ came not only into the world to make an atonement for the sins of mankind but to set an example before the world of the standard of perfection of God’s law and of obedience to the Father. In his Sermon on the Mount the Master has given us somewhat of a revelation of his own character, which was perfect,… and in so doing has given us a blueprint for our own lives.”

    The Sermon on the Mount is found in Matthew, Chapters 5-7 in the New Testament, and is filled with invaluable counsel from our Savior on how to live righteous lives, and to be more like Him.

    I wish to focus on the beatitudes, which are blessings we can receive if we come unto Christ. President Lee said that the beatitudes embody the “constitution for a perfect life.”

    The beatitudes are interrelated and progressive in their arrangement, each one building on the others. We can receive the blessings of each as we choose to come unto Christ.

    1. Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    When thinking of the poor in spirit, I first think of people who are sad, depressed, lonely, and without hope.

    President Lee explained that the poor in spirit, “means those who are spiritually needy, who feel so impoverished spiritually that they reach out with great yearning for help.”

    The Lord gave this invitation, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

    Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: “This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair… Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way…If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.”

    2. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

    It may at first glance seem strange that one who is feeling such a deep loss is considered blessed. However, through such loss, our hope of the resurrection is strengthened, we come to a greater understanding of the eternal perspective, and we become more aware that, as Elder Russell M. Nelson has said, “Life does not begin with birth, nor does it end with death.”

    Robert E. Wells of the first quorum of the 70, taught,”When we can see the Lord’s purposes fulfilled in that which gives us sorrow, the Holy Ghost can give us full consolation, and the atonement and resurrection truly become to us the cornerstone of our faith. In the midst of mourning one discovers deeper dimensions of love, friendship, and brotherhood…It is in the midst of mourning that one discovers the personal closeness of his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ and the comfort of the Holy Ghost… We will be blessed in mourning and be comforted as we reflect on eternal marriage, eternal families, eternal values.”

    This is one way that we mourn in this life. Elder Spencer J. Condie of the 70 also reminds us that we should mourn, especially for our sins, as “godly sorrow worketh repentance tosalvation.” This is an important step in our journey to perfection.

    3. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

    When I hear the word meek, I always think about Christ, for that is how he was described. He was gentle, submissive, kind, selfless and humble.

    Elder Neal A. Maxwell said that “one cannot develop those other crucial virtues—faith, hope, and charity—without meekness…Meekness…is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control. Without meekness, the conversational points we insist on making often take the form of “I”—that spearlike, vertical pronoun.”

    If we do most often only think about ourselves, like Elder Maxwell warned, we are not humble. President Spencer W. Kimball said that to be meek one must be humble. He asked, “How does one get humble? To me, one must constantly be reminded of his dependence. On whom dependent? On the Lord. How remind one’s self? By real, constant, worshipful, grateful prayer.”

    4. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.


    If I hunger or thirst for something, that means I desire it, and I need it for my health. Those who desire righteousness, consistently look for opportunities to do good so they can stay spiritually healthy. They work hard to find ways to be more like Christ, who is the bread of life and the living water.

    Sheri L Dew explained: “Hungering and thirsting translate to sheer spiritual labor. Worshiping in the temple, repenting to become increasingly pure, forgiving and seeking forgiveness, and earnest fasting and prayer all increase our receptivity to the Spirit. Spiritual work works and is the key to learning to hear the voice of the Lord.”

    The Lord promises us that if we do these things we will be filled with the Holy Ghost. I know I have felt an abundance of the Spirit when I do these things, and I would also add studying my scriptures, serving others, and sharing the gospel with others.

    With this gift, comes great responsibility. Elder Robert D Hales counseled that “We who have the gift of the Holy Ghost must be true to its promptings so we can be a light to others. “‘Let your light so shine before men,’ said the Lord, ‘that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.’”

    5. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

    When I think of being merciful, I think of being kind to someone who isn’t kind back. I think of, instead of judging someone or disliking someone, trying to see into their hearts, and realize we don’t know all that people go through. I think of turning the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge, when you have been wronged.

    From the scriptures, I think of Captain Moroni, who commanded the Nephite army to stop slaying the Lamanites, and rather call a truce, when he saw their terror at being surrounded on all sides. I think of the good Samaritan, seeing only a person in need, and not taking thought to his race, culture, or background. I think, most of all, of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, who have provided a way for we imperfect people to be clean and return to live with God again.

    President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminds us that …”that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. …How can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven? Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.”

    I know that as I have chosen to let go of grudges and judgment, that I have been able to really see God’s love for others, and also for imperfect me. I have seen His tender mercies in my life the more compassionate I am to others, whether it be giving to the poor and needy, helping someone who doesn’t show me appreciation, or just choosing not to be offended, but rather to forgive.

    6. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

    When I think of being pure in heart, I think of having “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” I think of “[shaking] at the appearance of sin.” I think of having a strong conviction that there is no other option but to do what is right.

    Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin defines being pure in heart this way: “To be without guile is to be pure in heart, an essential virtue of those who would be counted among true followers of Christ. … “If we are without guile, we are honest, true, and righteous. Those who are honest are fair and truthful in their speech, straightforward in their dealings, free of deceit…Honesty is of God; dishonesty of the devil, who was a liar from the beginning. Righteousness means living a life that is in harmony with the laws, principles, and ordinances of the gospel.”

    L. Whitney Clayton of the 70 added that “The condition of our heart determines how much evidence of divinity we see in the world now and qualifies us for the eventual realization of the promise that the pure “shall see God.” Ours is a quest for purity.”

    President Joseph Smith said that if we strive for this purity, we “will be able to more perfectly understand the difference between right and wrong—between the things of God and the things of men; and [our] path[s] will be like that of the just, which shineth brighter and brighter unto the perfect day.”

    7. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

    Within His sermon, Jesus warns us against anger, which is of the Devil. He instead councils us to love our neighbors, and even love our enemies – to pray for them and do good for them. This makes sense, for we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us. That is the golden rule.

    In a recent news conference on religious freedom and nondiscrimination, Elder Holland wisely said: “Every citizen’s rights are best guarded when each person and group guards for others those rights they wish guarded for themselves.”

    A large part of being peacemakers is being merciful to our fellow citizens, neighbors, friends, and family.
    There is more being a peacemaker, though. Elder Bruce R. McConkie said that “only those who believe and spread the fulness of the gospel are peacemakers within the perfect meaning of this Beatitude. The gospel is the message of peace to all mankind.”

    When I first read this quote as I taught Institute, my testimony of missionary work grew exponentially. Elder Dallin H Oaks said that “…peace can only come through the gospel of Jesus Christ.” President Joseph F.Smith added to this truth, saying that to bring peace, the gospel must be “understood, obeyed, and practiced by rulers and people alike.”

    What an essential mission we followers of Christ have. He trusts us to help bring peace to our homes, communities, and even the world. I can only hope I can always be worthy of that sacred trust.

    8. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    If we are being true peacemakers and sharing the light of the gospel, we will be persecuted, for as Elder Lawrence Corbridge said, “The truth will always be opposed.”

    We know this is true. Jesus brought the Truth to the world – He was the Truth – and he was rejected, betrayed, scourged, abandoned, crucified.

    Christ was persecuted more than we will ever be, but he still loved and forgave those who hurt him. He endured the persecution without retaliation, but rather turned the other cheek.

    Elder Hales said that when our beliefs are criticized, we need to follow the Savior’s example. He said, “Some people mistakenly think responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak… But to “love [our] enemies…takes faith, strength, and, most of all, Christian courage.”

    Elder Holland counseled, “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them. In courageously pursuing such a course, you will forge unshakable faith, you will find safety against ill winds that blow, even shafts in the whirlwind, and you will feel the rock-like strength of our Redeemer, upon whom if you build your unflagging discipleship, you cannot fall.”

    This promise brings me so much peace. I will continue to defend my faith throughout my life, with as much courtesy and compassion as I can. I am grateful that if I do this, the Lord will not let me fail.

    Just as President Lee said that the beatitudes embody the constitution for a perfect life, Christ, in His sermon asked us to “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”

    President James E. Faust explained that “Perfection is an eternal goal. While we cannot be perfect in mortality, striving for it is a commandment which ultimately, through the Atonement, we can keep.”

    I thank my Savior for giving us the course we need for perfection. I know that as we strive to follow the principles in the beatitudes, and utilize the Lord’s atonement for forgiveness and spiritual strength throughout our lives, that we will receive the blessings God has promised us, most importantly, a place in His kingdom for all eternity.









  • The only way to have a friend is to be one

    I have been thinking about the idea of friendship the past few days. I went through a time not so long ago where I felt really down. I felt like I didn’t have a really close friend- best friend – who I could talk to or hang out with any time.

    I felt sorry for myself that I moved into a neighborhood with several families that I knew, expecting to become best buddies with all the women, and not seeing it happen instantaneously like I hoped it would. 

    I just felt kind of alone, and unwanted, like I wasn’t good enough for anyone to want me as a good friend. 

    I have always been kind of shy of meeting new people, and I feel very uncomfortable in large group settings where I have to be social. That is one of the reasons I longed for a best friend so that if I were in a social setting, I could just spend time with her and not worry about anyone else. No awkward situations required.

    I actually did have someone I considered a best friend several years ago, before I remarried. She and I would hang out at all the church Young Single Adult activities, go to the dances together, go shopping together, go out to eat together, talk on the phone late at night, talk about boys and look at engagement rings for fun – you know, normal best friend stuff.

    I was heartbroken when she moved away and decided not to remain my friend. I have never known why, and have reached out several times to try to reconcile. Nothing worked, but ever since that awesome friendship, I had hoped to find another such best friend.

    That is understandable, right? One day, when I was really down about it, I posted this on Facebook: 

    October 19, 2012 

    Does anyone else wish they had a best friend? I feel like I haven’t had one of those in years. It’s not for lack of trying because I try really hard to genuinely be kind to everyone and help everyone, not to mention get to know people whenever I can by inviting them over. I never seem to get past the friendly acquaintance or friends when we have time stage. What I need more than anything is someone I can call any time I want to talk (and it can be about anything), or want to hang out, and it will be welcomed with enthusiasm and joy. I want someone to see me that way too. We would actually do the things we say we want to do together (make an actual plan) – we wouldn’t dream of letting it slide. Forgive the self-pity. I’m just really feeling it today. I hope I am the only one that feels this way, because it really stinks. If you are in the same boat at me, just know I am happy to be your friend.

    When I posted this, nearly 20 women responded to me saying they knew how I felt, because they were there, or had been there, too. It touched me, and saddened me at the same time, that so many women were feeling like me.

    After I saw that I wasn’t the only one, that gave me strength, and I started to pray for help to make friends, and to be a better friend myself.

    I don’t know how those lovely women are feeling now, but I want to make an update to my feelings from almost 2 1/2 years ago.

    My problems aren’t over. I am still so uncomfortable in large social settings. I still don’t have someone I can call my best friend. However, I have been blessed as the Lord has answered my prayers and brought understanding to my tender heart. Here are some of the things that I have learned:

    1. Though having a best friend is a really beautiful thing, I personally cannot grow as well as a person if I cling on to one best friend. Because I am sometimes socially awkward, I need to be stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone.

    2. As adults, especially with spouses and kids, we are really busy. We are pulled in so many directions, and our priorities are different than they were when we were younger. However, it is possible to care deeply about someone even if we don’t have time to talk on the phone or spend time together on a regular basis.

    3. It is a good thing to befriend as many people as you can, and touch as many lives as possible. I have felt so blessed to be given the desire to have different people in my home for dinner, play dates, and girls nights. I have come to know so many wonderful women this way. I can call all of them my friends, and I hope they know that I am there for them when they need me.

    4. You can have special friends of all ages, races, religions, political affiliations, cultures, and personalities. As long as we respect one another, our differences make us uniquely able to build each other up.

    5. I have a husband, and he can fulfill most of the criteria for a best friend. In the areas he can’t, I have my other friends.

    6. Your parents, siblings, in-laws, and children can be some of your closest friends because they know you the best and need you the most.Make them a top priority.

    7. I have, just like each of you have, special gifts that I can share with others to help their days be a little brighter. I don’t have to be called someone’s best friend to be admired, appreciated, and loved. If I do my part to bring joy to others, they will call me friend.

    8. People are put into your life for a reason. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have a best friend, I should feel honored that God loves me enough to put special people in my path, and trusts me enough to put me in theirs. I may not be close friends with everyone I meet, but we have something we can give to each other. 

    9. It is much more fun to have many women to call my friend. There doesn’t have to be special rules around what makes a friend. If you welcome me into your home, you are my friend. If you exercise, bake, go to movies, chill with me, you are my friend. If you love my kids, you are my friend. If you listen to me and give me advice, you are my friend. If you give me a smile and a hug, you are my friend. If you laugh with me and cry with me, you are my friend. If you help motivate me to be a better person, you are my friend. If you appreciate my gifts and talents, and help me feel good about myself, you are my friend. If you share your love of God with me, you are my friend. If you do any of these things, you are my friend. 

    10. Whenever I feel sad or alone, I always have Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father as my true friends who love me, are there for me, and want what is best for me.

    The only way to have a friend is to be one

    To all of you reading this, you are my friend. Thank you for your support. 

  • Childhood in a Church

    The weekend after Christmas, we went to visit family in Virginia, where I grew up. On that Sunday morning, Jad, the kids and I attended The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on Bailey Bridge Road, the church building I attended for most of my childhood up until I went to college.

    I hadn’t stepped foot in that building in 12 years. When we drove up, I immediately was overcome with emotion. I spent so much time in that building growing up, with some of the best friends I ever had.

    We sat in the chapel for Sacrament meeting with my cousin, Lisa, and her mom, Emiko (I call her Emi), who came to that service just to see us. I hadn’t seen Emi in years either, and it was so wonderful to hug her and talk to her again. She was a very special aunt to me growing up. It is always a pleasure to see Lisa, as well, and as often as possible (I had seen her the night before too).

    This is Lisa, Emi, the kids and I in front of the church after Sacrament Meeting. 

    I also saw Richard, someone who was a very huge part of my life and that of my siblings and parents. I believe he entered my life when I was about 10. He was my dad’s best friend, and he came to every birthday party and family gathering. He babysat us, drove us to church activities, came on vacations with us even. I hadn’t seen him since my first wedding reception in 2003. He still looks the same, and sounds the same, and has the same laugh and gives the same hugs. He has a beard instead of a mustache, though.

    This is Richard, Teresa and I after Sacrament Meeting.

    I would talk to both Emi and Lisa, and Richard and his wife, Teresa (who I had only met once or twice), more later on, after Sacrament Meeting. During the meeting,though, Kamren got fussy, so I took him out into the hall.

    Normally I really dislike staying out in the hallway when I could be being spiritually uplifted, but this time I ended up being grateful to be in the hallway. I got to walk up and down the whole building, poking my head into the classrooms… and remembering my youth.

    I want to share with you a few memories that came to my mind as I wandered those halls with my little one.

    The chapel

    I have so many memories of the chapel. My family always sat on the left side of the chapel, about halfway back. For many years my Nana was the chorister and my Granddad was the organist. I always loved hearing her operatic voice and sensing his emotional ties to the music. My favorite song he played was”Come, Come Ye Saints” because on the last verse he would get very quiet and slow, and then end the song with volume and vigor. Nana usually stayed up in the stand during the meeting, but sometimes I remember Granddad sitting with us. I loved holding his hand.

    My first specific memory of the chapel was when the congregation sang “I am a Child of God” the Sunday after my baptism. I remember that I started to cry. I asked my mom why I would be crying, and she said I was feeling the Holy Ghost. That was a very special realization to me that I really had the gift of the Holy Ghost.

    Other memories of the chapel are when I was up in the stand singing a musical number, accompanying a friend singing a musical number, like Lauren, sharing my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, or even giving a talk in church. I remember one Sunday I had invited a good friend from school, named Scott, to come hear me speak, and I was so disappointed he didn’t come. 

     I remember my Dad sitting up in the stand while he was in the Bishopric. Sometimes he would nod off a bit.

    I also remember doing piano recitals in the chapel, most specifically the one where I played from memory “Memory” and “The Music of the Night.”

    At the beginning of my Senior year of high school, when we were about to start studying the Book of Mormon in seminary, our stake did a big program in the chapel where many youth sang songs from the musical From Cumorah’s Hill. I remember my friends Kristy and Lauren singing, and I did as well. A video also played of different youth sharing their testimonies of the Book of Mormon. I, as well as many of my friends, were also a part of that. It was a special day. I believe we did a similar program at the end of the year at Seminary graduation. I sang the same song again at that program. It’s a beautiful song called “I Never Stand Alone.”

    I remember being a new member of the Singles Ward when I graduated high school, and seeing a familiar face, Michael, that made me feel more comfortable.

    I remember singing in a huge Christmas concert as a member of the Richmond Mormon Chorale, where my uncle Danny was the pianist.

    I remember announcing my engagement from the pulpit. That was one of my last memories in that room.

    The couch outside the chapel.

    Just so you know, the couch, chairs, lamp and picture are all the same as they were when I was a kid. It was so cool to walk in from the parking lot and see that it hadn’t changed a bit.

    A lot of conversations happened on that couch. It was also a place where noisy, rambunctious children would have to sit until they calmed down and could go back to Sacrament Meeting. Sometimes that might have been me or my siblings.

    That foyer area was a great place to sit and wait for your parents, talk to friends, or people watch.

    The Primary Room

    This room is where children sing and learn more about Jesus and His gospel. My newest memory of this room (which was probably 13 years ago) was taking my little sister, Mariah, to Primary.

     My oldest and most fun memories include learning the words to Primary songs I still love today, like “My Heavenly Father Loves Me” and “A Child’s Prayer.”

     I also remember giving talks and reciting scriptures in that room. The Primary Room was always a happy place.

    This is me standing in front of the baptismal font.

    See where I am standing? Those doors behind me open up to reveal a baptismal font – not just any baptismal font, but one that is very special to me, for on June 21, 1992, my father baptized me in that very font. Seeing that location through the glass of the door brought tears to my eyes. Being baptized was one of the best decisions I ever made. I still have a little framed poem that an older girl I admired, Amy, gave to me, as well as a bright yellow journal I got from a Primary leader.

    The Young Women room bulletin boards, and the classroom for the young women ages 16-18 (Laurels).
    I remember playing the piano in that room as another friend led the music. I remember the bulletin boards. I always liked to read the little spiritual messages on them. 
    I also remember that part of the room because in that section, when I was 16-18, my mom taught my class. We had a lot of good lessons and discussions in there. I remember one story she read about bears and cake. I believe the moral of the story was to avoid temptation. 
    The small hallway with two rooms.

    I will never forget this hallway. It is so strange because it is short, and it has two rooms directly across from each other right by the Exit door. I once had a Sunday school class in the room on the right.

    The gym

    A lot of great times happened in that gym, mostly of a competitive nature. When I was a teenager, I played basketball with other girls in my ward. Though we worked really hard, we almost always lost our games. I think we won once against a team of four, and barely won at that. We always tried to have fun, though, and we did our best. Not all games would be played in that gym, but we did always practice in this one. I was a forward, and I was pretty good at defense. I was also good at shooting, but not under pressure.

    In addition to basketball, we would play other sports like volleyball (especially when I was a young single adult), kickball, and broom hockey. The teenage boys and girls would do joint activities about once a month, and my favorite one was by far broom hockey. I remember once I shattered a broom on a guy named Brad’s, leg. I remember feeling really tough that day, and a little concerned, but mostly tough.

    We didn’t always play sports. Sometimes youth would be able to conduct the activities. Once I had the group play a game I loved from theater class called 1776. I was really good at that game, and always loved playing it. I wonder if my peers liked the game as much as I did…

    We even did a fund raiser for girls camp one year where we did a dinner/dance for the adults and auctioned cakes off. 

    We also did really fun Halloween activities in the gym and surrounding classrooms.

    I was Princess Leia at our church’s Halloween party when I was 14.

    Also in that gym we would have youth dances, and when I was older, young single adult dances. 

    Can you tell this was an 80s-themed dance? I was 18.

    As a youth and young single adult, I participated in talent shows in the gym. I remember one of them happened during a youth conference. I am pretty sure I sang something from  Jekyll and Hyde. Another year when I was a young single adult, I sang “I Never Knew His Name” from The Civil War. My friend Jared suggested I sing that instead of “The Music of the Night” because it was a lot less scandalous. I remember saying that it was one of the most beautiful songs I had ever heard, and even now, that song, and the musical it comes from, bring me to tears and fill me with chills.

    The gym was a place for really fun times.

    The stage

    I remember five distinct occasions of using this stage as an actual stage. One memory was when our stake did a road show. Our ward’s performance was in the form of a talk show. Prince Charming was in a chair with Soaprah Winfrey, if I recall correctly. He was recounting his experiences with many princesses, and how they didn’t work out. I was Sleeping Beauty. Apparently, when I woke up to his kiss, I thought he was ugly and moved on. By the end of the show, Prince Charming meets Dorothy Gale, played by my friend, Rachel, and realizes she is the one for him. We got an award for best commercial, where the girls sang and danced about Mr. Sandman bringing us a ring. I was really annoyed by that award because we were the only show with a commercial.

    Another memory is when I was in charge of a youth activity on modesty. I planned a fashion show where the participants would model modest clothing. Boys and girls were included in it. I was the host  for the show. I remember how hard it was to get material from some of the boys so that I could announce their ensembles. It actually turned out to be a fun, and even spiritual night, as one of my friends gave a little talk on the importance of modesty after the fashion show.

    For a youth conference one year, youth were invited to perform a skit of the Good Samaritan. That skit was performed on this stage. I was one of the men who beat up the good Samaritan. I remember wanting to be a larger role (of course) but I couldn’t make the commitment because I worked often at CVS. I remember coming to one of the rehearsals on my lunch break even.

    The Good Samaritan cast, one being my friend, Courtney

    When I turned 18, I started going to the Singles Ward. At one of my first (or even my first) activities, we divided into groups and acted out different stories from the Bible. My group got the story of Hannah, Eli and Samuel. I  honestly and surprisingly don’t remember who I played. I do remember that my good friend, Shelly, was Hannah, and that Frank, who I met that night and was the first person I ever fell in love with (see the phone story), played Eli.

    Also while I was in the Singles ward, we did a talent show. I was fresh out of high school and still in my actress mode. I not only sang, I did a monologue before my song (that I think I made up), and I did it in costume. What did I sing? My favorite musical at the time was The Scarlet Pimpernel. I am pretty sure I sang “I’ll Forget You,” and I even did it acapella. Yeah, I am pretty embarrassed by that now. I went a little overboard.

    The stage was also a fun place to take pictures with good friends.

    Kate Reynolds, me, and Shelly Witt

    The water fountain and bathrooms.

    It might seem silly to have a picture of this little area, but when you have church for three hours each week, you are bound to stop by the bathroom and/or water fountain. Many good conversations with friends (I am recalling one with my friend, Becca) would happen right there. 

    The bathroom mirror.
    I would spend a lot of time fixing my hair and lipstick in this mirror, either so the boys wouldn’t have any reason to make fun of me, or so I would look extra good for the boys at the dances or activities.

    On a more serious note, I remember one day getting to church late when I was a teenager. I ran into the bathroom, trying to fix my hair. I had bangs then, and because of standing in the rain, they had parted down the middle awkwardly, and started to curl in random places. That had been a scary morning. My Nana and Granddad had picked my siblings and me up for church. There was a sharp curve not long after turning right out of my neighborhood. A car was driving in our lane, so my Nana moved into the left lane to avoid hitting the person, while at the same time the other driver moved back into his lane. That resulted in us driving into someone’s front yard. My Granddad, who was in early stages of Alzheimer’s, was pretty shaken up. I can still hear him crying out “Oh, oh” in worry. That was a sad day, but we were all okay.

    A fun memory of the bathroom was when I brought a whole bunch of costumes (many of them being my mom’s dresses from the 70s) to the church for the young women to try on so we could all get our pictures taken by a wonderful photographer in the ward, Brother Clay. We all had to make sure we looked beautiful in the mirror before we got our pictures taken.

    My little glamour shot. 

    The changing table.

    This is kind of a weird thing to have a memory about. However, the young women always used that table, and the area underneath, to store their purses for dances. I can remember girls always being crowded around that area to grab their brushes or powder to fix themselves up after dancing too hard and getting sweaty.

    The phone with the insanely long cord.

    That long corded phone is still there after all these years, and is the hallway just yonder of the bathrooms. I don’t have any stories about it, other than maybe calling a guy I was crazy about, Frank, who didn’t show up for a Singles activity. It was always in my view, though, for years as I wandered the halls of my church. Occasionally it would ring, and people passing would be confused, not knowing whether to answer it or not.  We didn’t get callers often.
    The kitchen

    This was a really fun room. When I was in Young Women’s, we would do a lot of activities in here. Imagine a bunch of girls together in one kitchen talking, laughing, and baking all at the same time. I remember decorating gingerbread houses once. We also did candy-making, and even served food for the ladies in the Relief Society when they had dinners.

    The Relief Society Room
    Everything looked the same to me when I peered in that Sunday.  I spent a lot of time being spiritually uplifted in that room as an early adult. We had Sunday School and Relief Society in there. I remember one Sunday sitting next to Frank, that boy I was head over heels for. I tried to get him to hold my hand, and he refused. He said, “Not a chance.” A little background information is that he and I were dating, but he would not show any affection in public.I didn’t like that much.
    Going back a few years, as an 11-year-old, I remember having a daddy-daughter dance in this room. I had made a t-shirt for my dad that said “Really Cool Dadn’t.” My dad used to say things, and then say “Unt” after it to show that he was kidding. I didn’t know how to spell it then, so I did it as a contraction. That was a really fun night with my dad.

    We always did our Activity Days in this room from age 8-11. The daddy-daughter dance wasn’t the only fun activity we did. I also remember one time learning how to do Spanish dances in big skirts from Sister Alarcon, and there were many other good times.  

    The Young Women always had their New Beginnings nights and Night in Excellence nights in this room too. These nights were for reviewing our values, displaying our accomplishments, eating good food, and dressing up nice with our parents. 

    A lot of other activities would happen in this room  when I was a single adult, like crocheting lessons (I still can’t crochet after going to a bunch of these type lessons) and Pictionary. 
    The Relief Society piano
    This piano is special to me because my first calling (church responsibility) I ever had as an adult was being the Relief Society pianist. I remember playing prelude before class started. More than once our Relief Society president would tell me to play more quietly. That was hard for me because I loved playing the hymns. One funny memory I have was of playing the introduction to “The Spirit of God.” I love playing that song, so I played the introduction way faster than we would ever be able to sing it. The chorister chuckled and said she would try to lead the song that fast. Everyone had a good laugh over that. I did too, while my face got really red. 

    One other memory I have of this piano is watching my good friend, Jared, play by ear. He had been called to be a pianist for another group, and he told me that he couldn’t even play the piano. He and I always had great conversations.
    The random water fountain.
    I don’t remember why seeing this water fountain again made me chuckle and smile, but it did. It must have significance. 🙂
    Jad and Rigel in the church hallway.
    It was so cool to have my husband and children walk the same halls I did for so many years.

    I really do love this church building. I hope I can visit more than once ever decade or so. It will always hold some of my most cherished childhood memories. 

    The church has grown a lot since then, so many of the people I went to church with on Bailey Bridge Road attend a different church building now. When I visited that Sunday, I actually only recognized a few people, like the Crowthers, who were an important part of my youth. 

    For those of you I grew up with, or became a young single adult with, I miss you. I hope you all are well and happy. Much love!

  • All my love always, Betsy

    I see at my dad a lot, so he doesn’t call me very often. He did today, though, at 11:08 AM. He proceeded to tell me something I never expected to hear: that my Aunt Betsy, his youngest sister, had passed away.

    When he told me, I was really surprised. I knew that she had a lot of health problems, such as symptomatic cirrhosis and hypo/hyper insomnia, but we had literally just seen her on December 27, not even two weeks ago. 

    I was so sorry to hear that she was gone, but mostly for my dad. I know he and Betsy had a very special relationship. 

    We talked about what a blessing it was that we were able to see her before she died, and also that we know that she is okay. We know she is in no pain. We know that she is happy. We know that she is safe. We know we will see her again.

    I told my dad I loved him and that I would help in any way I could. 

    It has been several hours since he called, and only now, at 3 in the afternoon, after I am at home and my kids are finally napping, is it hitting me. 

    I am really sad that Betsy is gone. The tears have come to me, and the grief.

    Over the years we have actually rarely seen Betsy. She hasn’t been a huge part of my life, at least in person. Up until a couple weeks ago, I don’t think I had seen her since I graduated from high school in 2002.

    However, she has become very special to me, especially this year as she has taken a loving interest in my family. She has been one of my most devoted Facebook followers. She has almost always commented on my pictures, read my blog posts, and sent me messages asking how my family and I were doing. 

    We talked a lot about faith too. Betsy was definitely a woman of God. I always felt uplifted talking to her. 

    I was just reading through some of the Facebook messages she has sent me since 2009, and I want to post some of the things she said. It might help you see what a wonderful woman she was:

    8/4/09 (Her first message to me) – Uh, Color Me a Little Blonde (and stupid)!!!
    Was going through facebook today and it occured to me as I was going through my “new friends request” that it was you that emailed some time ago and asked to be added!  Believe it or not, I did not remember that your last name was Lewis, so I never linked the 2 names together.  Boy do I feel stupid!  


    Meanwhile, I hope you visit with your friend was/is (not sure how long the stay was scheduled for) going well and that you learned even more about each other and that Casey enjoyed the visit just as well!  Give the little guy a big kiss and the rest of the family all of my love and best wishes!


    Love you all!
    Betsy

    8/8/09 (Here she is actually talking about a relationship I was in at the time) – I am so happy for you!  With all that you have to give (beauty, brains and a very loving heart), it was just a matter of time before you finally found the man that you deserve!  Meanwhile, I will be awaiting my invitation!!! You have a nice weekend too, and give the little man a big hug from me please!  And, once again, I am just so happy for you!  I wish you could see the great big smile I am wearing right now!

    8/10/09 – Hopefully, this New Year will be the beginning of the life you and Casey deserve and were  meant to live! Thanks for giving Casey my hug!  Now I’m sending one to you out of pure joy and happiness!

    8/12/09 – Happy the-day-before Friday’s Eve!  (Me and my friends used to have all kinds of ways of celebrating each and every day of the week that coiuld include the word Friday!”  I’ll let you know others as they come to me… Believe it or not, as useless as they were, and for reasons I cannot explain, they always made Friday appear so much more spectacular in the neighborhood!  LOL!  Hope the rest of your week is well!

    2/28/10 (This is right after Jad and I got engaged) – My first comment on the pending nuptuals…I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU, MANDY, AND FOR CASEY TOO!  You make a very beautiful couple!!  

    3/16/10 (This is not long after Jad and I got married) – I shall write a bit more down the road!  Wouldn’t dream of taking away one extra minute from your honeymoon phase!!!  After that, you are hereby required to provide details!!!!!  LOL!!!

    3/10/12 (This was a few months after Jad’s liver surgery) – With every passing day that I get the pleasure of seeing you on my screen, I am reminded just how stunningly beautiful you are!  I hope the family is well, and that Jad has gotten past the bumps in the road since his surgery!  Love you, Betsy

    4/22/14 – I wish we chatted more.  I read your posts all of the time, but figure you have enough to do to read too many comments.  I do try to always “like” them though.  

    5/6/14 – Believe it or not, I was there when you were born. and I was there for your first Birthday!  Your parents probably do not remember all of this, but these were very significant days in my life and watching over you and Aaron when you were so small meant the world to me!  It touches my heart deeply as you go through these experiences with your own children!  Again, I hold you high, Mandy!  You are a fine woman indeed!

    5/28/14 –  I just had to drop you a note to tell you what I ran across today…the booklet from your High School Graduation Ceremony.  If you think about it, the date on that goes against all things in time.  You graduated from High School year before last, and then there was that college thing, and then you had three very different sized triplet boys last year, and I turned 30 last month!  Hum…  LOL!  Had to share!  Time sure does fly!  … I only hope I am around to watch you smiling that way when you start having grandchildren and great grandchildren!… I am like a cat!  Nine lives and then some! 

    7/23/14 –  I will never be able to work again as long as I am alive.  But, I do not want you to feel sorry for me.  I was blessed enough to work at my life’s dream profession for 13 years and never had a bad day at work in my life!  

    11/8/14 – As must share on “Are You There God?”  Not to long ago, I was having trouble with my blood pressure and I was alone.  I knew that my blood pressure machine needed batteries, but I needed to go to the drugstore to get my medication.  As I grabbed my keys and wallet (and my dog, of course), I felt this horrible tightness in my chest and did not know if I was safe to drive.  I came back in the house, laid flat on my bed with my blood pressure machine and asked God to give me just one more reading out of those batteries so that I would know what to do!  Well you know he answered my prayer and I got my reading!  That how awesome our God is!  But, the best part was when I tried to take it again.  The battery light flashed at me like a neon sign!  I looked up to the Heaven’s and spoke to God and started giggling a little bit, and said, you are not only an awesome God, you have a pretty good sense of humor too!  The tightness in my chest subsided a bit and I felt safe enough to go get my medication, and even went McDonald’s to get my baby her favorites:  Chicken Nuggets and an ice cream cone!  How does one go through life with all that evidence and not believe?  Meanwhile, you guys have a great time.  I love you.

    12/9/14 – after much consideration, prayer and thought, I have decided that while moving to Florida may very well contribute the “quality” of my life, the thought of maybe never seeing my Parents (I include Barb in this category for sure), my brothers, my nieces and nephews and the beautiful families that they have made together are just not worth me living maybe one extra year!  Your father and I are so much alike in so many ways, so I think you will understand that when my doctor told me that it was the best thing for me to do for my health, I immediately proceeded to do as I was told.  Made arrangements to move to Florida.  Well, at the end of the day, that is clearly not the right thing to do.  Without my loved ones, I have NO QUALITY of life,  Pain and side effects of various illnesses are something that I have been dealing with for a long, long time.  I can do that.  Leave Roy in Richmond with no one, leave everyone in NC, and maybe never see my Mom again?  I can’t do that! 

    12/11/14 – Enjoying you more and more each and every day!  I cannot put my emotions into words, but I sure do know how my heart feels.  Your life just changes when special people open their hearts whole-heartedly,  unconditionally and let you in! 

    12/30/14 – I just saw these pictures from the weekend.  I sure did have a good time!  And, I felt a million times better after I took that brace off of my stomach when me and your Dad got to the nursing home!  It makes me look pregnant, and is quite cumbersome.  It wraps around me like 2 and a half times!  You probably cannot tell where it is, but every third line in my shirt is one of the strips in the three, vertical layer brace.  All of the other pictures turned out great as well!  Looks like everybody had a great time!  And it especially looked like Grandma did some serious baking!  Yum!!!  I am so loving the baby feeding Aaron!  That is too sweet!  Good stuff!  Thanks for sharing!  Love you!

    1/1/15 (Her last message to me) – it was such joy, Mandy.  My heart was so full

    Not only was she loving, kind, funny, and encouraging, she also gave great advice on things like baking, sleep habits, and cross country road trips.

    Betsy was also so supportive of my blogging. On November 6, 2014, I asked my blog readers for input on a good subject to write about. Betsy was the only one who responded and she said this:

    WE have very little control over what happens in our life! But we are in charge of our Memories! Quit hanging on to the bad ones and take away everything positive that ever happened while you were being miserable. I am not going into detail, but I have a lot to be afraid of, people I should despise, blah, blah, blah. I still choose to only remember that they were in my life because I made that decision, and that is what I took with me when I walked away from the drama. The only memories I kept were the ones that I was fond of, and have even let some of them back into my life! Live today and every day differently than the one you lived yesterday! Otherwise, you have no chance to experience to experience something beautiful today, nor do you stand a chance for a better day tomorrow. I hope this helps you find a thought.

    This lovely comment from her sparked the idea for this blog post:

    http://makinglifeablisscomplete.blogspot.com/2014/11/let-memory-live-again.html?spref=fb

    After I posted it and thanked her for the inspiration, she lovingly remarked: 

    It was my pleasure! As I have said many times, in my life, I have experienced and witnessed a great deal of tragedy. Little did I know that they were the beginnings of some of my life’s greatest Blessings!

    So you see, though I don’t have a lot of memories physically being with my Aunt Betsy, she has been there for me for years. 

    On the ride home from my friend’s house today, Rigel spilled a lot of crackers and raisins on the floor. As I was cleaning them up, I came across a bag. I looked inside, and in it were Mike and Ikes that my dad gave the kids the day we saw Betsy at the park, and more preciously, the Christmas card Betsy had given my family. 

    I saw it as a tender mercy from Heavenly Father that I would find the card on the day I found out she died. I am so grateful that I was able to read it and look at it again. She told me that day we saw her that she chose the card just for us, and knew it was the perfect card. 

    Betsy, I am grateful that I have your love always. I know you are still with us now, cheering us on, and watching over us. I know I will see you again. All my love always, my dear aunt. 

  • Let the Memory Live Again


    As I have been writing this blog, I have felt this bold, and dutiful desire – even obligation – to share my past experiences, mistakes, trials and heartaches with  anyone in the world who would read my words.

    If you asked me last year if I would ever make a lot of these things public knowledge, I would have laughed and shook my head, thinking of how embarrassing and humiliating it would be.

    I have pondered this change in my perspective. Why am I now so comfortable talking about really personal parts of my life? Why do I desire to pour my heart out to people I may not even know?

    The conclusion I have come to is that by writing my memories down, I can help make the lives of others a little easier, and their hearts a little lighter, today.

    Somebody can benefit from knowing that I was too scared to stand up for my beliefs in high school, when someone made the claim that Mormons weren’t Christians – and that I regretted it for years.

    Somebody will find direction in knowing that I struggled many times in my life with modesty, and that lack of it led to many poor decisions.

    Somebody will find comfort in knowing that there is someone else who has felt the pains that come from a spouse with a pornography addiction, and that there is hope for those who want to change.

    Somebody needs to feel the necessity of forgiving someone after years of holding a grudge, and the freedom that comes from it..

    Somebody who feels overwhelmed as a parent may need to hear how their struggles can be for their ultimate good.

    Somebody needs to feel that miracles do still happen, that our trials can make us stronger as we see the Lord’s hand in helping us overcome, and that the Lord will lead us in the right direction as we seek His counsel.

    In my blog posts, I try to bring a spirit of hope to resonate out.I try to emulate a spirit of love and compassion. I try to show that I am not perfect, but that I have learned from my mistakes. I try to show that God knows us, loves us, and helps us, that He has a plan for us, and that He allows us to endure trials to bring us closer to Him.

    Sometimes we have control over what happens to us, and sometimes we don’t. We have a choice to hold on to the bad, and live life in fear, bitterness and despair. Or, we can find all the good that comes despite the bad.  I have been able to forgive myself for my faults more readily now that I know I can help others find their way. I can see the hand of God in my life more, and the purpose and plan He has for me as I delve down deep into my memories of adversity.

    I thank God for this new found desire to bring light to others through my thoughts and experiences.

    I truly believe that every single person on this planet has memories that could benefit, and even change the world.

    Tell your stories. I promise it is so rewarding. It can bring you freedom from regret and heartache. It can form friendships in unlikely places. It can save a life.

    I would love to hear your stories, and I know others would too.

    May God bless you in your efforts to open your mouths and hearts to your fellow brothers and sisters. 

  • Hate won’t make us Great

    Civility: polite, reasonable, and respectful behavior

    Most people see the value in civility. They try to be that way; they hope others do the same; they teach their children to be civil so they will be more successful in life.

    Yesterday was election day in the United States. I am sure many of you have read articles (or comments on those articles), or seen friends’ social media posts regarding the election.

    As I read these things, I wonder where civility has gone?

    Many people have been silent on the issue, or have simply expressed their gladness or sorrow over the results.

    What I have seen much more of, though, is gloating, name-calling, complaining, eye-rolling, bashing, blaming, cursing, and judging.


    Judge not, that ye be not judged (Matthew 7:1).

    Do we even know we are doing this? Do we realize when we do this we are alienating many of our friends, family and associates?

    Here are some of the statements I have inferred from my reading:

    1. My party is the supreme party and the only one that can do good for this country. 
    2. America is doomed and the world is coming to an end because someone got into office.
    3. The candidate that won is going to take away our freedoms and all our money.
    4. The Lord sanctions one political party, and frowns upon the other.
    5. Everyone who believes differently or is in a different party than me is inferior and unintelligent.

    My friends, please remember that all members and leaders of political parties are imperfect people. There is no supreme party, and everyone’s moral codes are to be respected. God does not choose our leaders for us, but wants us to choose with careful consideration.

    …every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand (Matthew 12:25).

    In order for our great country to succeed and continue to bloom, we must sustain, be respectful of, and be grateful for, our leaders. They need our support, whether we agree with everything they stand for and do, or not.

    We can’t afford to turn against each other. Anger and hate will never bring positive results, but love and tolerance can. Americans need to stand together. By doing this, our great country stays great.

    We are the land of the free, and the home of the brave. There may be times when there are laws passed that we don’t agree with. There may be policies put in place that don’t make sense to us.

    When that happens, we must remember and fall to our knees in gratitude that The United States of America is a choice land of diversity, freedom, and opportunity. Our government exists to serve us. We control our destinies. We can do anything we desire, and can rise up from our circumstances. We have wonderful schools, technology, and medicine. We have clean water, good food, easy access to supplies and shelter, and an advanced road system to travel on.  We have a strong and brave military, always ready to defend our liberties. We have beautiful and lush landscaping, and a rich history from which we can learn and draw inspiration.

    Americans are special people – each of us, not just those of a certain political party. Every American can contribute and make a difference.

    Please try to keep the golden rule in mind when discussing politics, or anything you are passionate about. It is good to take a stand. It is good to have morals and beliefs. Please just try not to judge others who are different, and instead think of how you would feel if someone bashed you, called you names, or spoke disrespectfully of you or one you revere.

    Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the prophets (Matthew 7:12).

    I thank God every day that I live in this wonderful country. No matter who is in office, I will always pray for them, be grateful for my citizenship, and love my fellow Americans.

    God bless the USA!