God gives you who you need: part 2

It’s expected that everything about having a baby is exciting and full of blissful joy. I really wanted this post to be all that, but I also believe in keeping it real. Life is not always roses, not even when pregnant with a surprise baby. Allow me to explain.

Yesterday was the day of the gender reveal. The evening went a lot different than planned and resulted in feelings we didn’t expect or want to feel. I am going to share another video now. It’s a long one and it isn’t super pleasant, but in the vein of remaining authentic, I will share my emotional mess of a self.

I’m not proud of these feelings, and neither is Jad. It was really hard for him not to show disappointment in the time we were together before the rest of us also found out the gender. We went to bed last night feeling like this and it was hard. I even woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep for hours.

As I got up this morning, I wish I could say that I felt 100% better and I’m full of joyous anticipation for the arrival of our baby. I would be lying if I said that, though the tears have stopped and I’m thinking straighter. I feel really bad that I was so distraught that I didn’t talk to each of my kids about their feelings. I will make sure to do so today. Talk about a mom fail. 

I do believe, hope, and pray and in time, we will get there. I know a lot of good things in my head, which helps:

1. I know I will love this baby as much as I have loved all the others.
2. I know that this baby will be cared for just as much as all the others.
3. I know our family will be blessed by having this baby in our home.
4. I know this is what and who God wants for us.

I also have these concerns:

1. How can we best transition our home to work best for our growing family? (Already this morning when discussing it, I got major pushback from one of my kids.)
2. Will Eve, our sweet girl who deserves a little sibling so much, be fulfilled and satisfied with this sibling that we didn’t expect?

I have been really pondering why I feel so bad about this, and I think I know why. It’s partly because of the concerns I stated, but mostly I think it’s because I had such spiritual promptings about this baby. I felt so strongly about the name, the gender, and about the baby being a perfect gift for Eve. I don’t think those were just emotions. They felt so spiritual. And since the reality is the opposite of what I felt so strongly in the deepest part of my soul, I feel really shaken to the core. It will be hard, but as Jad and I were talking about this morning, we have to just try to understand that God’s ways are not our ways, and we don’t know all that He knows.

So, this is not the gender reveal post you expected. I’m so sorry it is nothing like the one we did with Eve. But this is the reality. And it will get better and better and happier and happier as time goes on. I just know it isn’t right to fake it. It’s better to be real, acknowledge my feelings, and work towards healthier ones.

If any of you have any similar stories you feel comfortable sharing with me, I would love to hear. I love learning from others and their experiences.

Thank you so much to my family who joined the Zoom call last night and were so supportive. And thank you to all of my family and friends who love us and are there for us throughout it all. Much love!

Krispy Kreme Doughnut with blue in the middle

The NIPS test result

I made these adorable pictures yesterday to announce the gender. We tried to take the picture last night, but as you can see, my heart was not in it. We will try again and do it right.

The sweet note from Eve, written by Kamren